♪ ♪
- [Laughter]
- Oh!
Good night. God bless. Thank you.
[Cheers, Applause, Chanting]
♪ ♪
[Indistinct Conversations]
- [Exhales Deeply]
- How you doing, man?
f*cking exhausted, that's how I'm doing.
Yeah. Well, I got some good news.
Pretty good month, Dice, okay?
shows at grand a pop,
minus the monthly payment to us,
minus the compound interest,
minus the requests in your rider,
so we're talking about
the Skittles, the combos,
- the sparkling waters.
- Wait, wait, whoa.
Brioni, you're gonna
charge me for water?
I'm not, but the new
owner of the casino is Latvian.
Every single penny
must be accounted for.
So we tally it all up,
and you owe us $ . .
$ . ? What, are you f*cking kidding me?
I do shows, I still owe you money?
This f*cking contract is
k*lling me. You understand?
I'm not the one who's paying
off my gambling debts, Dice.
Brioni, they got me bent
over backwards on a barrel
with my balls in a bunch.
What am I gonna do here?
Actually, I think it
would be bent forward
- over a barrel.
- No.
And I don't think the
balls were factored in.
Listen, don't goof on
me. This is bullshit.
All right. Look, I'll
do you a solid, okay?
I'll... I'll waive the $ . .
Ah, you think you're going
to have something over me?
I-I pay my debts.
I'm not gonna walk around a casino
and you're going, "Hey,
guess who owes me $ . ?"
Or whatever the f*ck.
You got change of $ ?
I don't even give a f*ck. Here you go.
You get a pass on this one.
♪ ♪
Oh!
♪ ♪
[Audience Chanting]
Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice!
Top of the world, Ma.
♪ ♪
[Implosion]
You know what the dumbest thing is?
That theater's got so much foot traffic,
if that Latvian guy had any sense,
he'd close the theater,
you open up one of those,
like, modern restaurants
where you see, like, through the glass,
And you see them cooking, and...
Oh, you look nice.
Where are you going, like,
for a bank loan or somethin'?
Milkshake's nephew's bar
mitzvah's in minutes.
Bar mitzvah's on
Saturday, not Wednesday.
It is f*cking Saturday, Andrew.
Jeez, why didn't you remind me?
Eight minutes, I'm gonna
take a speed shower.
Speed shower, minutes.
I get it. Lesson learned, baby.
Okay, and what was that lesson?
I don't know. I got to remind you
to remind me about things in advance.
Did you get the kid a gift?
Did I get your best
friend's nephew a gift?
- No. I didn't.
- Don't worry.
There's a Bed Bath & Beyond
up here somewhere.
The kid's .
What are you going to get
him, a f*cking blender?
♪ Give it to me, bring it to me ♪
Where is he? Where is he? There he is.
Where have you been? I'm
all... I'm all alone out here.
Carmen forgot to remind me.
- Jesus, Carmen.
- Okay, sorry.
Let me remind you you're both morons.
Carm, what are you doing?
Come on, eat something.
I rented out this condo to this guy,
and he lied on his application.
Now the whole deal's falling through.
You're stressing out over
some Airbnb money? Who cares?
- I care, Andrew.
- All right, all right. Listen.
All right, I'm sorry, okay?
You know what else I figured out?
What?
The lesson you were trying to teach me.
Oh, yeah? What was the lesson?
Marathon sex.
We haven't had marathon sex.
That's why you can't remind me
about things like bar mitzvahs
'cause you're thinking
about marathon sex.
So from now on I'm
gonna pump you like...
Like you're a car at a gas station.
Wow, you really did learn a lesson.
Say, Daddy boy. Hey. Sorry we're late.
- Oh, it's all right.
- We were over at band practice.
You don't got to apologize about that.
Say hello to Milkshake, say
hello to bar mitzvah boy.
- I'll see you in a little.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Cool.
- They're dressed so cute.
- I know.
- Hey, Dice. Hey.
- Hey. Hey, Carmen,
did you ever meet David Arquette?
- Hi.
- Hi. Hey, listen,
I'm opening this new
club in Naples, Florida.
- Uh-huh.
- And if you want to invest,
I can get you on the ground level.
- It's going to be a hot club.
- Yeah, I know. I know.
Another club. I know. How about...
How about I bang your
head in with a club?
How does that sound, David?
Do you not see I'm
sitting here with my lady?
- What are you, an assh*le?
- Sorry, Dice.
- Walk away.
- I was trying to...
- Walk away.
- Sorry, Carmen.
What is wrong with you?
You yelled at him for no reason.
No, no, no, no. I got my reasons.
You always have your reasons.
- Rabbi look familiar?
- What?
- Rabbi look familiar?
- Rabbi?
Rabbi Marshack, remember?
From the old days in Sheepshead Bay.
I can't believe it.
Rabbi Marshack's here.
- Rabbi Marshack.
- I got to go say hello
to this guy. This guy loves me.
Andy, Andy, Andy!
Well, it's Andrew, but yeah, it's me.
I remember when you were a child
running down Nostrand Avenue
handing out candy to
the smaller children
and fetching cigarettes
for the older ones
who were too old to go out
and buy them themselves.
You were such a nice boy.
- Oh, thank you.
- A real mensch.
Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.
So? What happened?
How did you turn into such a shegetz?
What did you say? A shegetz?
This Dice that you
created is abomination
that you birthed into
the world, for shame!
Wait a minute, Rabbi, I
thought we were friends.
Mm. We were, until you birthed
unto the world this horrible Diceman.
This... This golem that
you continue to nourish
with a steady diet of
vulgarity and obscenity!
A curse on you!
Hey, look, I-I might not
be everybody's cup of tea,
- but I'm not shegetz.
- You're a shegetz.
- Shegetz!
- Listen to me.
No, you listen to me, shegetz.
What I'm saying is this...
The world would be a better place
if Andrew Dice Clay had never been born!
[Thunderclaps]
[Man, Amplified Voice] Okay, if everyone could
gather around for Josh.
He's going to blow out the candles.
[Dance Music Playing]
You okay?
Yeah, no, yeah.
That rabbi is, like,
a real piece of work.
[Blows Air]
[Applause]
♪ ♪
[Blows Air]
[Applause Continues]
♪ ♪
[Cellphone Rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
[Grunts, Sighs]
Hello?
[Woman] Hi, sorry to bother
you on your business trip,
but the cable TV is not working.
I already reset the box.
Who... who is this?
Jesus Christ, Andy. It's Connie.
- Connie?
- Yes, Connie.
You know, the cable is
not going to fix itself.
The only Connie I know
is Connie Schneider
from Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn.
Gave the best f*cking blow jobs.
Sloppy animal, that's who she was.
I'm still that Connie, Andy.
- What?
- sh*t bag.
[Phone Beeps]
[Sighs]
Oh, God.
[Exhales Deeply]
[Horns Honking In Distance]
Beige?
[Scoffs]
[Sighs]
The f*ck?
♪ ♪
- Hey! Hey.
- Listen, pal, I love my fans,
but you need to walk away.
I can't take a picture now.
I can't listen to a
story from years ago.
You need to walk away, really.
[Laughs] Walk away?!
You're going to walk with
me. Of course I'm a fan.
Get over here. You're always on.
That's what I love about
you, Andy. Incredible.
Listen, everyone's in my
room for a quick download.
And then we get to go out,
we get to enjoy the town.
All right? And you remember,
you know what they say.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So if you want that extra mai tai,
- Connie will be none the wiser.
- You know Connie?
Do I know Connie? You never stop.
[Indistinct Conversations]
- Come on.
- [All] Surprise!
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
- Opa!
- [Cheering]
Hey, hey, listen. Let
me tell you something.
You can't talk about
the haberdashery business
without talking about Andy.
I have never met a man
so fluent in fabrics,
with such a deep understanding
of stitching and tailoring.
You know what I'm saying?
So listen, in light of your
years with the company,
we are going to throw you
a party later tonight. Huh?
- [Cheering]
- Who the f*ck are you people?
[Laughter]
That's Andy. You know,
the office comedian.
You got to do an open
mic one of these nights.
Yeah. Hey, Andy, do Sammy Davis.
- What?
- [Laughter]
[Chanting] Sammy, Sammy,
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
[Imitates Sammy Davis Jr.]
You are so beautiful.
[Laughter]
So good. So good. Listen, everybody.
The party for Andy is going
to be at the Garland Room.
- Until then, have a great day.
- Okay.
Do what you got to do. Salut.
I need a glass of water.
I... I'm in a little
bit of a panic here.
Sure, sure. Listen, Andy,
before the party I'm going to be meeting
with some very important people...
Maydel Fabrics.
If we don't get this account,
a lot of these good people
are gonna be out of work.
We need to close this
account. I mean it.
I-I got to get some air.
All right. Andy, just... Yeah.
Go downstairs, get some
air. You'll be all right.
♪ ♪
Wait a minute. Boys. Boys.
- Boys. Wait a minute.
- Hey.
What, are you dressed for Halloween?
- What is this?
- What are you talking about?
- Are you feeling okay?
- Everything's going nuts.
Look at me. This isn't my life!
These aren't my clothes!
Somebody needs a drink. Come on.
It's just so cool that we're
all in Vegas at the same time.
Wait a minute. Where do you guys live?
Palo Alto, duh. We're in town.
We've got meetings for our new app.
New app? What app? What
are you talking about?
- Here's Dad with the jokes.
- Dad, you know, apps.
- Like, for phones.
- What about the music?
What... What about the rock star dream?
What about it? I mean, you're the one
who told us to quit, remember?
Don't chase music, chase a (K).
Me? I'm the one that
said quit playing music?
Look, dad, we... we kind of
got to roll outta here, but...
No, no, no. Let me just
ask you. You just tell me.
You guys like the lives you're living?
Dad, we're living the
dream. Get some rest.
We'll see you in a few hours.
[Indistinct Conversations]
[All Shouting At Once]
[Woman] Oh, my God! David Arquette!
- [Dice] David.
- [Crowd Clamoring]
David. Hey, David.
Line starts over there, pal.
Check out the new Jason Bourne movie
staring David Arquette.
David Arquette's playing Matt Damon?
What, are you kidding me?
[Clamoring Continues]
♪ ♪
Milkshake. Milkshake!
Thank you.
Milkshake!
Milkshake!
- Oh, no, thank you.
- Milkshake.
- No, thanks.
- Milkshake.
- What's going on here?
- I, uh... Yeah.
I don't want a milkshake, pal.
Yeah, he's lactose-intolerant,
aren't you, Ronald?
- Ronald?
- Yeah, Ron Gomez.
I think you've got the wrong guy.
Oh, sh*t. You're... It's you.
That's right.
Honey, I want to
introduce you to a friend.
An old friend from the neighborhood.
- Oh, from Brentwood?
- Brooklyn.
The old neighborhood, Sheepshead Bay.
This is Andy, what's
his... What's his name.
I don't know. Look, you know, this guy,
back in the day I told this schmuck
I wanted to go into
the truffle business.
He laughed at me. He laughed.
He told me to forget it, right?
But Ron Gomez didn't forget it.
He committed his life to those
beautiful little dirt ducklings.
And now Ron Gomez is the truffle king.
- The truffle king.
- Ron Gomez.
Yeah. Look at me now. Look at me.
- I got a beautiful wife.
- Nice.
I got the seventh most
expensive house in Jackson Hole,
all because of the truffle money.
Why are you... like this?
Good running into you,
guy. Good running into you.
That's it?
- [Laughs]
- That's my old pal.
- Look at this guy.
- Who the hell is he?
[Slot Machines Dinging]
♪ ♪
[Lighter Clicks]
[Inhales Deeply, Coughs]
[Exhales Deeply]
Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen!
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Oh!
Carmen.
- Do... Do I know you?
- It's me.
- Oh.
- It's me.
Yeah, are you friends with my dad?
No, you don't... You don't understand.
I know this sounds crazy,
but... [Sighs] we're... we're a couple.
Okay, you're really
creeping me out right now.
Nobody understands. W-We have
a life together, me and you.
We're... we're a
couple. I would say more.
Okay, you know what?
See this pepper spray?
Stay away from me, okay?
Get the f*ck away from
me, or I'll call security.
You feeling any better?
Not really.
Oh, God. I saw this coming.
- Did you?
- Yeah.
You're so nice, Andy. Too nice.
Sooner or later, you
were going to explode,
you know what I mean? All right.
Come on, let's go. We're late.
I got that dinner with Maydel Fabrics.
I don't know if I'm really up to it.
Listen, listen. Please just
try to keep it together.
People's livelihoods are at stake. Okay?
I love you, Andy Dandy.
And I love you, Rog.
Let's get out of here.
Well I want to thank you
guys for this terrific dinner.
I just wish we had better news,
but we at Maydel Fabrics
are going to be buying
from a company in India.
Well, that's why we're here
to, uh, change your mind, right?
Roger, our mind's made up.
They do it for less, and
it's... it's just numbers.
But we have people that
are relying on this account.
Roger, please, come on. Don't...
Don't embarrass yourself.
Yeah, don't embarrass yourself, Roger.
He's already made up his mind.
Who... Who are you again?
I'm Martin Levine. I'm
the account manager.
No, I didn't ask what you
do. I asked who you are
because to me, you
seem like a go-getter.
I mean, you dress beautiful.
Swedish knit, gabardine, whatever.
Nice. Good fabrics, right?
You're the type of guy,
you'd take out a girl,
nicest restaurant, best wine.
You listen to every word.
You're not on your phone every second.
And why is that?
Because you want her to open up
that little fuzzy little prize
she's been sitting on, right?
And she's gonna do that for you
because you've given her
the best of everything.
You want to go to India?
What, are you out of your f*cking mind?
That's like going to Chinatown
and buying a purse
that's a Prada knockoff.
So it's up to you.
You want to buy some
Indian f*cking fabric?
You buy that Indian fabric.
You want to get serious,
you come talk to us. That's all.
Aah!
Holy smokes. What was that?
I mean, look, if we don't press charges,
we get to keep the account.
I mean, new strategy, very unorthodox,
but it worked!
Thanks for taking one
for the team, Andy.
You think that worked?
Rog, I'm... I'm having some
kind of psychotic breakdown.
Oh, no, no, no. Relax,
Andy. You've got it all.
You're married years, okay.
You have a secure job
you go to every day.
You're going to collect
a pension when you retire.
You're living the dream!
Dream?
This is a f*cking nightmare.
♪ ♪
Carmen. Carmen.
Are you f*cking kidding me right now?
Please, just listen to me.
What part of mace in the
face do you not understand?
You were with me in another lifetime.
- You've got to believe me.
- Okay, you know what?
This time I'm gonna really use this.
Take it easy, would you, please?
Let me explain this.
Let me explain... You've got
to wear socks when you sleep.
You love cats, but you're allergic.
And when I eat you out, I
got to go counterclockwise
and you got to be listening
to Kool & the g*ng's
"Wild and Peaceful"
or you can't bust a nut!
[Slot Machines Dinging]
Let me get a Grey Goose on the rocks
and Chivas, neat.
[Exhales] Okay, I'm not
saying that I believe you,
but some of the things you're
saying are really spot on.
And in other news,
President Hillary Clinton
may have just brought on world peace.
The first female
President gave an eloquent
and thoughtful speech at
the United Nations today.
- Such a relief she won, right?
- Yeah.
Hey, Andy, heard you
k*lled at the Maydel dinner.
- You're the best.
- So popular.
Yeah, I'm supposedly this big sh*t
in the haberdashery business.
- Haberdashery?
- sh**t me, okay?
So let me ask you somethin'.
- Are we happy?
- What do you mean?
Like, in this other life
you keep talking about.
- Are we happy?
- I think we're happy.
- Are you so happy now?
- I'm relatively happy.
I mean, I just got divorced, so...
- From Lowenstein.
- Yeah!
- Dermatologist, right?
- How do you know that?
[Glasses Thud]
So, I got divorced,
and now I just kind of
throw myself into my work.
And I started a commercial
real estate company,
and it's doing great, so...
See, that's the whole thing.
Everybody seems to be doing terrific.
You know, maybe it's better off
that... that I didn't become "Dice,"
you know, the arena
comic, all that, you know.
Banging waitresses,
Playboy bunnies, actresses.
Okay, I get it. You got a
lot of p*ssy in your day.
Me, too. What's your point?
My point is that
'cause everybody's doing so good,
maybe that old man rabbi was right.
Maybe I should just
live the life I'm leading
and let you move on with your life.
Or maybe you could take a closer look.
Things might not be
exactly what they seem.
And how's that?
Well, for starters,
all I seem to do anymore is work.
And I haven't listened
to Kool & the g*ng...
in a really, really, really long time.
Here's to Kool &the g*ng.
- [Laughs]
- [Glass Thuds]
Why don't you come
to this party with me?
- [Exhales Deeply]
- Come on.
You got nothing to lose.
[Bob Kelly] ♪ Here I've been
planning and scheming ♪
♪ And racking my brain ♪
Heard you saved us again, Andy.
Thank you, Andy. Thank you.
- Andy Dandy!
- Oh!
Top shelf! Can I get
everyone's attention real quick?
- Oh, my God.
- This will just take a second.
This is important, though.
We're here tonight to honor a man...
A man who has put in
years into this company.
Come on, people. Yeah.
Give him some love.
And you know what? And you know what?
At the end of the
day, he did it his way.
So, Andy, we thank you,
and this is your life.
[Applause]
[Gift Of Desire By Ray Dahrouge Playing]
[Laughter]
♪ He was proud and he took pride ♪
♪ In all the things he earned in life ♪
- Ugh.
- [Laughter]
♪ He really didn't like it
if you called him lucky ♪
[Indistinct Conversations, Laughter]
Is that your wife?
Your guess is as good as mine.
♪ You've been blessed
with the gift of desire ♪
Let's go get a drink.
♪ So always remember ♪
♪ Just how lucky you are ♪
[Cheers And Applause]
I don't believe you. You
don't grow your own tomatoes.
I do grow my own. I love to...
- Hey.
- That was magnificent.
- Thank you.
- Who is this?
Oh, this is Carmen. She's
an old friend of mine.
These are my sons, Max and Dillon.
- How are you doing?
- Nice to meet you.
They actually just came
out with their own app.
That's so cool. What's the app for?
It's called Vinder.
It's like, uh, Tinder but for virgins.
- [Laughs]
- Think of that... an app
that all these losers can get laid.
They make a bunch of money.
What? No.
Vinder is for people who are
saving themselves for marriage
and want to meet like-minded people.
What are you talking about?
This unspoken pressure for
us to have sex, you know?
Yeah, yeah, and we're not
gonna break our purity pledges
- just because...
- Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. You
guys are still virgins?
We want the first time
to be with our wives,
just like you and Mom.
What, are you kidding
me? You never heard the...
[Makes Squishing Sound] Squish?
- Ew!
- Gross.
This is disgusting.
- What... is that?
- Uh, I don't know about this.
I don't... You know
what? I'm not even sure...
Can I borrow him for
one second? Is that okay?
Excuse me.
I need to talk to you for a second.
Does your family still have that...
- That place on Avenue J?
- Maybe, I don't know. Why?
Andy, business has not
been great, all right.
I've been selling off
pieces of the company.
All right. % to this guy,
you know, % to someone
else. % here, % there.
I've sold the whole
company six times over.
- No sh*t.
- FCC is coming after me
like they got a vendetta.
I need a place to hide out.
So wait a minute, your life is sh*t?
It's dog sh*t.
Which means Dice didn't
f*ck up your life?
No, not the dice, not the hookers.
It was the crystal meth.
The crystal meth did not help.
You know what this means?
This means that everybody I care about
is doing f*cking terrible.
They're doing worse than
I could even think of.
Oh, sh*t. Don't look now.
David Arquette is
walking right towards us.
- Hey, David.
- Walk away.
- No, David, listen.
- Unh-unh!
I don't want to hear
how "Never Been Kissed"
changed your life. I love my fans,
but what I need you
to do now is walk away.
One question. One question.
[Sighs]
Everything on the outside
seems perfect, right?
You got this great life.
But underneath, inside,
maybe things aren't that great?
No, my life is pretty great.
I'm talking, like, deep down.
Nope. Still great.
I swear, there's like not even
a whiff of something I'd change.
I literally have no regrets.
None. Ha! Whoo!
You're the exception.
Okay. He's the exception.
Wait a minute. I got to
go. I got... Carmen! Carmen!
Where you going? Where you going?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Carmen.
Carmen! Wait!
You were right.
I thought everybody's life
would be better without Dice,
but I was wrong.
My kids are weirdos. Milkshake's a mess.
David Arquette's doing
pretty good, I got to admit.
Look, I'm glad you're
working your sh*t out,
and it was nice getting to know you,
- but I got to go.
- What are you talking about?
I have a life I have to get back to.
Hey, Andy! We're about to serve cake.
- Give me a minute, Peter.
- Okay. Sorry.
- [Door Closes]
- You should go back.
That life isn't so bad.
Everyone loves you,
and you seem really good at your job.
That life? That life is miserable.
Why, 'cause you're not
some rock star comedian?
Because that life
doesn't have you in it.
- [Sighs]
- It's missing you.
You're not in my life.
You gonna kiss me?
I wanna kiss you.
♪ ♪
[Gasping]
- [Gasps]
- Carmen. You're here!
- What's wrong with you?
- I'm all right. I'm over here.
I'm over here now.
♪ ♪
- Dil, wake up a minute.
- [Switch Clicks]
When was the last time you had sex?
When was the last time you had sex?
- Like, a week ago?
- All right. That's good,
but you can do better. Go back to sleep.
[Switch Clicks, Door Closes]
Max, when's the... I got my answer!
You okay?
I take you for granted.
I really do, and I'm...
- I'm sorry.
- I know you are.
And you know I love you.
- And you know I care about you.
- Mm-hmm.
David?
W-wh... What are you doing here?
Oh, I thought you knew.
It's the craziest thing.
My house burnt down
so I'm crashing here.
Thanks a lot. You're the best, Dice.
- [Cellphone Rings]
- Yeah, one second.
- Babe, I got...
- [Ringing Continues]
It's Brioni. Let me just get this.
I'll be right back.
[Ring]
Did your house really burn down?
No. I'm just in the doghouse.
I can't drink responsibly.
I'm a schmuck.
- [Dice] Brioni.
- [Brioni] Diceman.
Great news, okay?
I just had drinks with
the new boss, the Latvian.
He's got this crazy idea.
He wants to shut down
the theater and turn
it into a restaurant.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Kept talking about foot traffic.
He wants to do it up really nice.
- He wants to serve tempura.
- Yeah, but what happens to me?
What it means is
we're letting you out of your contract
with the Tangiers,
Dice. You're a free man.
What about the money?
What about my debt?
- What debt?
- My debt.
- What debt?
- The debt that got me
in the problem in the first place.
No, no, no. I meant it like,
"What debt?" Like, I don't know
what you're talking about.
- Huh?
- Jesus.
You don't have any debt
is what I'm saying, okay?
You don't owe us any money anymore.
Oh, my God, Brioni, you're the greatest.
We should celebrate. Come
downtown. I'm having...
Oh, my God. Babe, babe.
Big news. I don't owe
the Tangiers anything.
They don't want me. It's over.
They're going to make some
kind of f*cking sushi joint.
And you know I don't believe in fish.
- Right?
- Andrew, that is great news.
Babe, we got to play
some Kool & the g*ng.
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
- Come here.
- [Exhales Deeply]
Come here.
02x01 - It's a Miserable Life
"Dice" follows Andrew Dice Clay twenty-five years after his heyday as he tries to mount a comeback. Dice works to pay off gambling debts, help his sons, and keep his relationship in tact, all while remaining as controversial as ever.