02x01 - Billie and Gene: The College Years

[bunniefuu]

No matter what the judge says,
I got your boobs.

I got your boobs.

- Honk.
- Honk.

Oh, stand.

Stand, stand.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Oh, we're sitting.
- Do we sit?

Before I read the verdict...

would the defendants like
to address the court?

- I would, Your Honor!
- That's too loud.

- Okay.
- Proceed.

- First and foremost...
- Volume.

I am ready and willing...

to receive any punishment you see fit.

You are as wise as you are a...
handsome woman.

- Secondly, I think it should...
- Loud.

be noted that I have never been
involved in any criminal...

activity and I have made an
unbreakable pact with myself...

that I will never do it again.

Thirdly...

Okay, I'd like to say something
that's very lawyer-y...

and doesn't suck.

Sorry, Billie.

Woman judge, police male.

Lady who keeps texting, it is so rude.

It's a stenographer.

I stand before you a changed woman.

I have never had a friend
like the very butch woman...

who's standing beside me.

And we did this all in the
name of friendship. Okay?

And if that is a crime,
if that is a crime...

well, then I would strongly
recommend the death penalty...

for Billie, thank you very much.

- What did you just say?
- It's funny!

- No, it isn't.
- You know, win 'em with charm!

Enough.

Wait! Your... handsome Honor...

I would like to beg for your pardon...

as I have recently
received a position...

at a small liberal arts college,
with which I intend to give...

back to the community.

I also foster several animals.

Oh, I can tell by the look on your face,
that's a lie.

Okay, Your Honor, side bar?

I would also like to be pardoned...

because I plan on being a vel-ebrity.

Excuse me?

A viral celebrity.

I just have to sh**t something
that goes viral and then bam.

I've already sent my resume out
to YouTube, the web, Europe...

the world wide web...

- Okay...
- The internet, Seeso...

Would you defendants please
return to your seats?

So loud.

Okay.

- sh*t.
- I'm gonna vomit.

That's my Uncle Rico!

There's no way you're
related to that man.

- Hi, Uncle Rico!
- [JUDGE] I've reached a verdict.

Not guilty on all charges.

Justice!

Right?

Welcome back, Billie.

Get out the way, bitch!

That's Professor Bitch to you.

Welcome to college, Gene.

Step aside, bitch.

Oh, it's Gene, not Mitch.

Sorry. I was just watching you read.

That's weird.

Books. Smells like home.

O-sexual, bisexual,
try-sexual, I've been it all.

I'm looking to get vi-sexual,
which is virally sexual.

Not like masturbating in chat rooms,
or anything...

just like filming sex that goes wrong...
and throwing it on the 'Tube.

What's a chat room?

- Good morning.
- Isn't it?

Gene?

Helen Hunt?

Oh, my gosh! Billie, it's you!

I thought for a second,
and I almost said something...

- that you were Helen Hunt.
- You did say something.

Oh, I should have gotten this
whole chance encounter on video.

Can you go back and say hashtag viral...

What are you doing here?

I go here. What's up? They know me.

Like one time you go here, or you...

No, I'm like a student.
Like, um... oh here, like this.

"Books, books, books..."

Are you telling me that your
dad got you into the college...

that I'm teaching at?

Oh, like I need Kent Russell
to get me in.

Higher on the left!

Future Home of the...

Can't...

That could be a different dad.

If your dad thinks that I'm just
going to take care of you...

he is sorely mistaken.

Gosh, you are obsessed with
talking about my dad right now.

- It's weird.
- Okay, look...

Sh-sh-shhh...
there's a cake-beef walking up.

Uh, hey, excuse me.

Do you guys know where the
philosophy building is?

Oh, I think the gym's that way.

No, I was asking about
the philosophy building.

I'm a mid-semester transfer.
Today's my first day.

Me, too! Absolutely!

Um, yeah... I'd love to work out later.

Maybe.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, he's into me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is the sorority rush?

College joke.

Okay, Gene, the last time I saw you...

you tried to get me the death penalty.

Billie, that was a courtroom
gag between old pals.

Wait, wait! Okay, okay, look.

The judge made me decide
between getting a job...

or going back to school.

So, now I'm trying the school... way.

I thought I'd go to
the one you went to...

What are you saying?

'Cause I wanna hang out with you more.

You're mumbling.

So... where should I enroll your bag?
College joke.

- What are you doing?
- What?

- Give it to me.
- That's my winter clothes!

That's my winter clothes.

Don't you make fun of me. That's my...

- Catch me, if you're my friend!
- No!

This can't be teacher housing.

What? You live in a bar?

You are so friggin' lucky.
I bet it's haunted, too.

Ugh. You're totally gonna get
m*rder*d in the coolest way.

Shh!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Hi, I'm looking for teacher housing...

and they gave me this address.

Is he blind?

Is it Dana?

Oh, uh, yeah, it's...

Dana's upstairs. Hang on.

Hey, where's my [BLEEP]ing gum?

- [BILLIE] Who's he talking to?
- [GENE] I don't know.

Never mind.

Gum was in his hand.

I'm Dev, by the by.

Oh, okay.

No, thank you.

I'd love to hear your story some time,
you know.

I like to know the souls
that haunt this habitat.

So there is ghosts?

I own the bar, but it's not mi pasion.

Hm.

Ten percent of the profits
go to buy make-up...

for prostitutes in Calcutta.

- I'm out.
- Holy sh...

Tap. Excuse me.

So Dana's up these stairs?

Dana?

Dana!

Whoa... it smells like a
racquetball court, that's cool.

Aw, look at this!

Aw, you have a spatula that
looks like fried eggs. Nice.

Why is there a Band-Aid on the clock?

Maybe 'cause it got a boo-boo.
College ghost joke.

- Hi.
- Jesus!

I'm Dana.

Dana? Uh... you're a... guy.

I know. Sucks, right?

I hate it.

Why didn't you say something...

when we were talking in your apartment?

Oh, well, I'm sorry, I, uh...

I just didn't want to
interrupt your experience.

- I love your wig.
- No, it's my hair.

Um, I'm sorry, I, uh...

I didn't realize teacher
housing would be above a bar...

with a guy.

Whoa, I'm a pretty staunch feminist...

and a gender studies professor...

so I don't love the ochre
of this conversation.

This is great stuff.

Stop it, stop it.

I want you to know, I respect you...

and that's why I got you a
"welcome" t-shirt.

On your bed, that's your bed.

Oh... nice of you, I guess.

- Oh.
- Mm.

"Enough."

Mm-hm. Every woman in my life has one.

Hey, Billie, can I keep this...

'cause it looks sexy on my body?

- What are you doing?
- It looks right for my body.

- No, mine.
- Is this is a dashiki?

Yes, it's my dashiki.

- It looks good on my physique.
- You've taken this before.

This looks sexy on my body! Stop it!

Stop taking my things!

I'm sorry, I think I just...

I need a moment to myself, please.

Right, that would be great.

- I think she's talking to you.
- Yeah.

Oh, um... right...
well, this is a big moment.

I know you don't know, but...

we've been friends for a very long time,
so to say goodbye...

We haven't seen each
other in a long time...

- Goodbye?
- Bye.

Um... I guess I'll see you never.

I'll see you probably just like
walking around campus real soon.

See you in heaven.

No, I don't believe in...
Judeo/Christian...

Can you pass me the lotion?

Oh, sure,
you've got a little variety here.

How about this? There you go.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Get your neck, yeah.

My back, ugh... just... you know what?
I've got a method.

[BILLIE] Oh.

Oh.

Step one. Step two.

- (CLOCK RADIO PLAYING MUSIC)
- (SNORING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Where are my glass...
- (LOTION SQUISHING)

Ugh, who has a bag full of lotion?

Why is this so stick... ugh!

Where are my glasses?

Gene.

(WHISTLING)

Whoa, okay,
so we are just doing this, huh?

I thought it would be a lot
harder to make this happen.

Um, let's pick my favorite ice cream.

I'll go with... Strawberry, always.
What's up, Strawberry?

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Hello?

- Gene?
- [GENE] Yes.

I know you have my glasses.
Give them back to me.

Ugh, that was the worst
foursome I've ever had.

Hey, Billie!

Wait, who was I just talking to?

Oh, that's my roommate, Hedra.

Hey, girl! How do you know G.G.?

- Okay, Hedra?
- Hm?

I keep telling you,
there's no second G in my name...

to justify that nickname, so...

Wait, but I called you Gene
and you said "yes."

Oh, okay, I thought you were
asking me if I was Gene...

and that's why I answered "yes."

- What?
- Okay, Hedra?

- Can you just...
- What?

- Could you go grab a...
- I'll do whatever you want.

- No.
- You want something?

- Just wait for a second.
- Stop for a Coke?

- Can you just do me a favor?
- Anything you want, right now.

Just go away. Go away!

B-R-B.

[BILLIE] Why?

(DOOR CLOSES)

So, Sally Jesse Raphael,
what are we doing today?

No, no, no, no.

- Phil Donahue here.
- No!

You're doing the sad girl thing,
where you leave something...

behind or you take something,
so I have to come here.

And now I'm wearing my old
prescription glasses...

that I can't see out of.

Yeah, you're totally right.

You can't see anything,
because my face is right here.

That's not...
Your face is way bigger than that.

What? I have the smallest face!

You have a huge head.

I have a totally, casually-sized head.

Big head.

All right, you know what? Fine.

Here, you want your stupid glasses?

- Here's your glasses.
- Wait, no, I can't see!

- Catch!
- (GLASS SHATTERS)

Did you just throw my glasses at me?

- Mm-hm.
- You just threw my glasses!

- I did and I'm so sorry.
- On the ground!

Are you filming now?

I'm just zooming in on the glasses.

I am n... I am not here for your
viral ambitions. Okay, babe?

This is my life! I am not a me-me!

- Okay. Can you just...
- I am not a me-me!

Can you angle towards me
when you're saying that?

Oh, yeah, I can angle towards you!

Stay out of my life!

Next up, we have arguably the
best artist and architect...

of the Renaissance Period,
and my personal favorite...

- Giotto di... Bondone.
- Hi, Billie.

Hey, Billie, it's me. Hey.

- Although...
- Oh, god...

- some guy named Leo da Vinci...
- This is terrible.

- ...might disagree with me.
- So, let's go.

I'm gonna catch this.

Hey! Hey, guys,
I'm thinking about sticking around...

because she's talking about the
guy from Wolf of Wall Street.

- Pretty cool.
- Don't help me.

- Cool stuff.
- Don't help me.

- Um...
- Gilbert Grape?

If you need to talk, raise your hand...

and if you have to go
to the bathroom, that's fine.

Don't help me.

Hey, I'm Gene.

Hey, I'm Gene.

Hey, stranger.

Hedra, when did you dye
your hair blonde?

What? I didn't.

Hm, I don't remember you being blonde.

It's my natural hair,
I was born with it.

Okay, I would love to hang, but...

- Cool!
- No, no, there was more to that.

Um, Billie's about to
come out from her class...

and she was really awful in it...

like she might want to retire or die.

Totally makes sense.

Um, so cool if we don't hang?

Oh, yeah! Yeah, I'll just park
it until she gets here, right?

- No.
- Hey, I was thinking...

Love your teeth, maybe I could
like make a molding of them...

put 'em in my mouth...

Oh, sh**t, zoinks,
those are my friends, I gotta go.

Not talk to you ever again.

Hey, pop quiz... can I get a toke?

College joke... and rhyme.

Yeah, no thanks, teach.

I'm sorry, I thought
you just said a slur to me.

Uh, what did you call me?

I said I'm not gonna
give grass to a teacher.

I'm not a... Oh, my god... Billie!

No! No! I can't, Gene!

Billie, somebody called me
a name and it's horrible...

But it is what you are.

- Everybody hates me! I need a library!
- Okay, G.G.! I did dye my hair!

Move!

Wow, it's beautiful...

slash, no one is here.

Shh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just kidding, that's a library joke.

Why does everyone say
"joke" after their...

I'm Wendy.

Oh, Wendy?

No, Windy...

Oh, yeah, Tennessee whiskey.

My favorite author.

Book with booze in it.

Say, you okay or you have to be,
but you didn't yet?

Is that a question?

You okay?

Be okay.

Thank you.

You're okay.

It's very drying.

Well, somebody
should've told that to my p*ssy.

Agh! Agh!

Rock-y Horror Picture Show! Lame.

Ah... yo, yo, yo, ah...

♪ Eastwestern is the school
that I like the best ♪

♪ And it's not because we sit in class ♪

♪ And take a lot of tests ♪

♪ My girl got her B.A.
in political science ♪

♪ And she also is the head of
the Rock-climber Alliance ♪

♪ Woodah woodah woodah
woodah woodah wah ♪

♪ Hey I'm Gene and I'm not a teacher ♪

♪ Fun fact about me I'm not a teacher ♪

- [DIRECTOR] Cut!
- Yeah, I hit her head.

Is that what you're cutting?

Ma'am, this is a student video.

Do you mind getting out of our sh*t?

Sure... Do you mind eating a d*ck?

No one stayed for my class.

Look, you're a nice girl.

And if I squint, you're a nice cat.

These are normal parts of
becoming a professor...

is growing pains, okay?

But I don't even have an office.

- What?
- No.

Oh, that's terrible.

You need a place to do
your dirty business.

Yeah, but I just want to be great.

You know what they say, right?

- What do they say?
- Act the part. Use your smarts.

Give it hearts. There's your parts.

Or there's your starts.

I like that. I like that.

Thank you. To Windy!

- I'm gonna go throw up!
- Oh, okay.

Biggest viral videos.

[HEDRA] What's the result?

God, I thought you were asleep.

m*llitary man surprises wife.

Puppy walks again.

Oh, my gosh...

- I can't sleep.
- Agh!

(PEEING)

Are you peeing?

Good morning, class!

I've decided something pretty cool.

Professor Brown is out, I'm Billie.

Come on, guys, three of you?

- Action?
- Action.

- Do I look cool?
- So much.

Thanks.

Yo, webbers!
I'm a normal student, hashtag Gene...

and I'm surprising my teacher
with the gift of eye sight.

Bitch's never had vision,
y'all, check it out!

Hedra, come!

Coming!

Menstrual huts, then and now.

Hey, congrats, teach!

You finally get to see what
the world looks like! Billie!

I got you the strongest
subscription I could buy!

- What the...
- Congratulations.

- What?
- Hashtag good deed.

I can't see.
Gene, give me back my glasses!

- Okay.
- Where are my glasses?

Oops! Soups! Soups! Soups! Soups!

- Oops, oops, soups...
- Is she saying oops or soups?

Oops, soups, soups, oops, soups, soups.

- Oh my gosh, oh, that's it.
- Oh, soups, oops, oops...

My Mr. Holland's Opus.

- Find my center!
- [GENE] I'm brilliant.

Oh, my interior candle.

I'm really sorry.

It was supposed to be
like a good deed video.

You can still perform a good
deed and stay out of my life.

I wish you really were Helen Hunt.

I wish you were Paul Reiser.

I don't want to be Paul Reiser.
I want to be Mabel, the baby.

Get out of here.

Get lost, tootsie pop!

Out of my way, bitch!

Bye-bye. No one has backpacks anymore!

(ALL LAUGHING)

BILLIE (OVER PHONE) Soup!

- Morning, class.
- Morning!

What... What's going on?

What are you all doing here?

Soup!

Say soup, soup!

Soup, soup, soup, soup, soup!

(REPEATING)

Okay, okay, oh, okay.

- I'm Dev, by the way.
- No!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I'm genuinely sorry.

Um, I wanted to get famous in
the way that Justin Bieber did.

But I didn't know what it would cost.

Well, Belieb' it or not, but thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Yeah.

Wait, for what?

Uh, I am the "soup lady" now.

So everyone came to my
class and they stayed.

That's great, Bill!

- Yeah, it's okay.
- That's amazing.

Wait, so... that mean we're friends?

- I got your boobs.
- I got your boobs.

I got your boobs.

- Your nipples.
- Hey.

I know one of you.

- Oh, me.
- Not me.

Yeah! I got a surprise for you.

Oh, it's not glasses, is it?

- Stop guessing, you assh*le.
- Hey.

- Follow me.
- Whoa.

Open sesame!

Oh my gosh!

Your very own office!

How long have you known this person?

- I just met her.
- Mm-hm.

I think I did it in a night.

You are pretty lucky, Billie.

You got some good friends.

Yeah, I guess I, uh...
I guess I kinda do.

She... Is she masturbating
on the edge of the desk?

What?

- Staring straight at me.
- Yeah.

- [BILLIE] Take a... train!
- [GENE] Train!

- Do you need us here or...
- Oh, that's gotta be a splinter.

Almost done.

Done.