02x04 - Quest for Coolness

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Ren, I'm dying. I have
the greatest news ever.

A major phone call
is about to be made.

Who? What?

I heard from Michelle
who heard from Matt G.

You know, the one
on the baseball team

who has to wear a special shoe
'cause he's got an extra toe?

Okay, I'm dying.
Tell me.

Ren, Bobby Deaver
is going to call you!

No way.

Yes way! My sources never lie.

Bobby is definitely
going to call you.

Oh, my gosh!

(BEEPS)

Uh, that's my call waiting.
It could be him.

Hello.

-Hello?
-Hey, it's Bobby.

Uh, could you just hold on
for one second, please?

-It's him. It's him!
-(SCREAMING)

-I'm going to call you back.
-You better.

Hi. Sorry about that.
How are you?

Dude, she's totally buying it.
What should I say next?

Uh...say something sexy,
that's what you do.

I just thought you
might want to know

that I'm not wearing
any socks.

That's interesting.

And, also, you know
since I'm such a hot, little cuddle muffin

and because you love me so much

I was wondering if you might
want to be my girlfriend.

Oh, that sounds super, Bobby...

but...I just can't.

I'm in love with somebody else.
I have a secret crush.

-Who?!
-Who?!

Oh, I can't believe I'm
telling you this,

but, um, I'm in love
with my little brother's best friend...

Alan Twitty.

Really? I mean, um...

I mean, uh, uh, 'cause he's
hunky beyond belief, or...

No, because he's busted beyond belief!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

I'm melting!

If you little cuddle muffins
ever, ever

prank-call again,
you won't be eating solid food

for a week!

Hmph!

Prank calling rules, man.

Dude, your sister loves me.

(SCOFFS)

Uh...can I help you?

Boo Boo?

Excuse me?

It is you, Boo Boo.

This is weird.

No one's ever called me that
except the little boy

who used to live next door
named...Nelson...

Nelson Minckler!

-Hey, no way!
-Yeah, reunited...

and it feels so good.

I haven't seen you since
we were four years old.

What are you doing back here?

Well, my dad just got transferred
back to Sacramento.

It's funny, isn't it?

First we're next-door neighbors
and now we're locker neighbors.

Yeah, I guess
we've gone full circle.

Ooh, wow. Uh, let-let
me help you there.

What is all this stuff?

Well, let's see. I've got, uh

gauze pads...

uh, antiseptic ointments...

A snakebite kit?

Well, you never know when a rattler's
going to nibble on your kneecaps.

Why not just wear kneepads? (LAUGHS)

Got 'em.

Well, it sure is cool to see
an old friend

especially when you
don't know anybody else.

Hey, you know what?
The way to make new friends

is just to jump right in there
and join a club.

Do you have a health club?

Like, uh, a place to work out?

No. I mean a place
where you discuss health

and health-related issues.

You know, symptoms,
aliments, upcoming epidemics.

Right. Uh, I don't think
we have one of those.

But, hey, uh,
welcome to Lawrence.

I got to go.

Bye-bye, Boo Boo.

If you ever need any anti-fungals,
just knock on my door.

Congratulations,
Principal Wexler.

Yes, you'll be receiving
your free trout

in about four to six weeks.

-Tell him...
-Shh...

Yeah, yeah,
I share your joy, boy.

Uh, yes.

Thank you for playing
"You Can Win A Fish."

All right.

(LAUGHING)

Hey. What are
you guys doing?

Just talking to a man about a trout.

What, are you going
fishing or something?

(LAUGHING HARDER)

Whatever.

I guess this
is just some episode

of preadolescent
arrested development.

I don't know what she just said...
but she's next.

Ren, here he comes.

Oh, he probably wants
to talk to you in person.

(GASPS)

Hey, Boo Boo.

Uh...Nelson. Hi.

Um, this is Ruby.

Ruby, this is Nelson.

He was an old neighbor
and he moved back to town.

Ren and I were
in diapers together.

Well, not the same diaper,
we each had our own.

(COUGHING)

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's probably just
a stress cough, you know.

I'm still adjusting to the three-percent
increase in humidity.

(COUGHING)

Oh, my...are you sure
it's not serious?

Yeah. I probably just caught
a strain of streptococci or something.

Could you check my tonsils
for any sign of infection?

Aah...

No, I-I'm sorry...
I don't think I'm qualified to do this.

Come on.

Please.

Uh...

Uh...

Aah.

Uh...

Aah. Aah...

I...can't...do this.

NELSON: Aah...

Aah...aah...

I'm sorry, I can't...

I don't...I don't see anything.

I just...

Aah...

Aah...

Eww.

Oh, eww...

Come on, Ren. Please.

Just last month I had pus balls
the size of acorns.

Aah...

(GROANS)

You know, I...
I got to go to this meeting

'cause if I'm not at the meeting
then I miss the meeting, and...

I'll look at your pus balls.

(PHONE RINGS)
I got it.

Dean residence. Tawny speaking.

This is Lance Larsen with,
uh, with Q-POP radio

calling with today's
$ million trivia challenge.

Oh, wow, this is amazing.

I mean, I was just doing my yoga
and the phone rang, and...

Oh, this is great.

Um, look, I'll get my dad...
he knows everything.

(BEEPS)

She totally fell for it,
she's getting her dad.

Dude, this is so cool.

This is Dr. Dean.

Oh, hello, Dr. Dean.

Yes, this is Lance Larsen
at Q-POP radio

calling with today's
$ million trivia challenge.

Are you ready for this?

I'll give it a whirl.

LOUIS: Okay, good.

For $ million...

according to a survey by
the American Cold Cut Council

what are the top five
most popular lunch meats?

You have ten seconds, sir.
Ready and...go!

DR. DEAN: Uh...uh...

bologna.

Yes.

Uh...salami...ham...

Yes and yes.

Uh...liverwurst...

Yes, and you have
five seconds, sir.

Uh...what's that stuff
that Aunt Edna always eats

that makes her real gassy?

Olive loaf?

Olive loaf!

Olive loaf. I'm going to have
to go to the judges on that. Judges?

Yeah, I'll accept olive loaf.

We'll accept olive loaf!

You've just won a million dollars!

(WHISTLES BLOWING)

We did it, Tawny.
We did it.

Oh, Daddy,
we're millionaires! Yes!

Dude, they totally
fell for it.

"Daddy, we're millionaires!"

Oh.

(SINGSONG GRUNTS)

-Hey, guys, how's the new bike?
-Oh, it's great, honey.

You know how much
I love to exercise.

-Hey, catch up, slowpoke.
-Uh-huh.

Oh, well...happy pedaling.

Oh, Ren...I understand
that you ran into

your old friend Nelson today.

Hey, isn't it great
the Mincklers are back in town?

Oh, yeah. It's, uh, something.

The Stevens and the Mincklers
go back a long way, huh?

Hey, you know, I have a feeling

our two families are going to be
seeing a lot of each other.

-I can't wait.
-Oh, you won't have to.

The Mincklers love that you and Nelson

are getting reacquainted,
so I suggested the three of us

take them out for a surf
and turf dinner on Friday night.

-Are you pedaling, Eileen?
-Oh, so hard.

Oh, oh, Dad. I mean...don't you think
it's just a little too soon for a dinner?

I mean, they should settle
in for a few...months.

Ren, when we first
moved into this house

the Mincklers did everything they could
to make us feel welcome.

Now it's our turn
to do that for them.

And besides, I already
told them you'd be there.

Okay?

Okay. I'll be there.

(PHONE RINGS)

My phone!

-This is a workout.
-What a workout, huh?

(PHONE RINGS)

-Hello.
-BOY: Hi, Ren. It's Bobby.

(SCOFFS)

So, this is Bobby Deaver?

That hot little cuddle muffin
who I love so much?

Um...I guess.

Listen, you little twerpozoid

I told you
if you ever called me again

that you'd be sipping your food
through a feeding tube.

Ren, is this a bad time?

Can we borrow
your toenail clippers?

-Yeah, I got a nasty hangnail.
-Disgusting.

-(RUMBLING)
-(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(CRYING)

I am really sorry about that.

Hey, it's not every day
you get called a cuddle muffin.

Oh. No, no, no, no.
You don't understand.

See, my brother
just discovered prank calling.

Don't worry about it.
I have a little brother, too.

He's in third grade.

Well, mine just acts like it.

Um...

Well, I was just calling to see
if you wanted to go to Divia Rosenberg's

ice-skating party with me.

I mean, I don't know if you're busy
or if you know how to ice-skate

but, uh...

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

BOBBY: Ren?

Oh...

I'd love to.

Cool.

Party starts at : , Friday night.

Great. Great. Friday night.

Oh, honey,
about this Friday night...

Friday night?!

Uh, hold on, Bobby.

What is it, Dad?

It turns out that Nelson is
allergic to shellfish and steak

so there goes the whole
surf and turf thing.

Oh, wait. So, we're not going?

Oh, no. They're very excited.

So, I made a reservation
this Friday at the Roughage Hut.

Get ready to tie on the old feed bag.

Huh, that's funny, Dad.

No, seriously.
That's how they eat there.

Bobby?

So, is Friday night a problem?

Absolutely not.

I'll be there...

no matter what.

(BELL RINGING)

See. I told you
Bobby would call you.

My sources are never wrong.

But you're missing the point.

I promised my dad that I was going

to go have dinner with
Nelson and his parents

and then I told Bobby
I was going to go ice-skating with him.

I don't know what to do.

I was up all night. I feel nauseous.

Perfect, you're sick.
You can't go to that dinner.

No. Then if I'm sick then I can't go
ice-skating with Bobby.

Well, once your parents
leave for that dinner

I predict you'll make
a miraculous recovery.

Oh, no, no, no,
wait a minute.

That's so...Louis.

All right, then.
Have a great dinner, Boo Boo.

Okay. The craziest thing
happened to me last night.

My dad won a million
dollars on the radio!

You don't say.

-Did you hear that, Louis?
-I did.

A million dollars, man.

We're moving to Paris.

Paris. That...
That's in another country.

Yeah. France.

Look, it's always been my dad's dream
and now that we're rich...

Look, I got to catch a plane.
I am really going to miss you guys.

-Give me a hug.
-What, are you leaving now?

Ready, Tawny?

Sweet wheels.

DR. DEAN: Hello, boys.

Tawny, is this your limo?

Yeah. My dad just bought it.

You know, since we're millionaires...
and we can.

Well, come on, Tawny.

It's time we picked up your mom
and started our new lives.

Bon voyage.

-Uh, Tawny, Dr. Dean...
-I have something to tell you.

Uh, this is hard. Twitty...

(MUMBLING)

All right. Uh...

Dr. Dean, um...

-It was all Louis's idea!
-Dr. Dean, listen.

I made a prank phone...
We made a prank phone call.

Okay. It was a joke.

You didn't win a million dollars.

And now your lives are ruined.
And I guess that's partially our fault.

We are so sorry.

Really sorry.

Please say something, sir.

What have you done to me?

I quit my job.

I sold our house.

I...I maxed out seven credit
cards to buy this limo.

(SOBBING)

How could you guys?!

Daddy, don't cry, Daddy.

I'm never making
prank phone calls again.

Me, either.

-(BOTH SOBBING)
-I'm a bad, bad boy!

(SOBBING) The worst!

(LAUGHING)

Did we miss something here?

Louis, yeah. We knew it was you two
the whole time.

We have caller I.D.

You made us look like idiots?

Boys...it wasn't that hard.

Oh, come on, Tawny.
We still got minutes on the rental.

Oh, uh, you guys want a ride
or something?

You want to go home in style?

Stop the car! Stop it for a second!

Please!

Ruby, this is so not going to work.
I am a terrible liar.

They're going to find out.

Ren, you could do anything
you set your mind to.

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.
-(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Honey...are you okay?

Oh...Mommy, I don't
think I can go to dinner

-with the Mincklers.
-Oh, what's wrong?

Well, it's sort of a... a throat thingy,

with a stomachy and headache type deal.

I don't believe this.

You don't?

That whole
throat-stomach-head thingy?

It's going around my office.

Well, honey, you just
stay home and rest tonight.

Yeah. The Mincklers will understand.

No, but I...
Daddy, I so wanted to go.

I know, honey.

But you're not
getting out of this bed.

Thank you.

Have a nice time.

Ren!

RUBY:
Hello. Can you hear me?

Oh.

Ruby. They so bought it.

Okay, I'll see you at the rink.

Ren.

Okay, Bobby's got his skates
and he's ready to hit the ice.

Go, go, go!

Okay, okay. I'm going,
I'm going, I'm going.

-Ooh, I'm so sorry.
-Sorry, I...It's all right.

-Ren?
-Nelson?

Wait a second, you're
supposed to be at dinner.

Well, I may have
exaggerated a tad

about a dull pain
in my spleen.

You faked sick?

I thought this whole dinner
thing was your idea.

Well, look, I'm not
the type of guy

who forces people
to be his friend

especially if they're
embarrassed by me.

That's not true.

Then why did you give me
that holier-than-thou look

in the cafeteria when I asked you
for a simple throat examination?

Because people don't generally ask me
to look at their pus balls.

See, I knew it!
You are embarrassed.

-Give me a break, Nelson.
-Fine.

You know, I guess the diaper
days were a long time ago.

It's time to move on,
meet some new friends.

You know, I think
I heard some kids coughing

over at the candy counter.

I think I'll go distribute some lozenges.

-TAWNY: -Hey.
-Hey.

Where's Twitty?

He sprained his ankle
chasing after the limo.

I really thought you
guys would give up

once we hit the freeway.

Hey, I wanted
to tell you something.

You and your dad...

you guys really taught me
a valuable lesson.

I'm through with prank calls.

I mean, I know you were just playing,
but they could really ruin someone's life.

Wow, Louis, I'm impressed.

I mean, that's a side of you
I've never seen before.

Well...you've got to grow up
sometime, you know.

Do you want to skate with me?

-Uh, yeah.
-Yeah?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Louis, you bonehead!

(NELSON YELLING)

Whoa, whoa...(GROANS)

MAN: (OVER P.A.)
Now, boys and girls, it's time

for the romantic couple skate.

Grab a partner
and skate counterclockwise.

Ren.

Hi. Would you like
to skate with me?

Uh...I'd love to.

(GROANING)

Aah, no!

Who's that?

NELSON: Ow, that really hurt.

That's a friend of mine.

Um...he needs me right now.

Um...

I'm sorry.

Ren...

You owe me a skate.

Hey, neighbor, how you feeling?

Been better.

What are you doing here?

Well, when I saw
you fall down

it kind of reminded
me of the time

that this little girl
fell off her tricycle

and her best friend gave
her his last gumdrop

to make her feel better.

You remember that?

Oh, yeah.

It's one of those things
you don't forget.

-Welcome back, Nelson.
-Thanks.

You think we'll get grounded
for faking sick?

Oh, yeah. Big time.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

But you know what?
As long as we have our freedom

why don't I go get us some hot chocolates?

Oh, Ren, no, please.
I'm severely lactose intolerant.

Nelson, are you allergic
to everything?

No...just cat dander, dust mites, uh...

Actually, it's all here
on my medical alert tags.

Um...pollen...pine needles

pine sap...

basically, all pine wood...

Yeah.

Let's see, dog dander,

chocolate, shrimp...

REN: Chocolate?!

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELLING)

Cool.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)