02x05 - Secret World of Girls

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

{expl*si*n)

Ball three.

(CROWD WHISTLES AND APPLAUDS)

UMPIRE: Take your base.

(GROANS) We're blowing our lead.

-How fast is Dobson throwing, Stevens?
-Thirty-seven miles per hour.

-(SIGHS)
-It's ridiculous.

My grandma can throw
a ball of yarn faster.

ARTIE: Back, back, back....

Oucho magoucho, it's a grand slam!

The Lawrence Wombats
have given up ten straight runs

and now lead only by two.

I'm sure Coach Tugnut will have

some words of encouragement
for his pitcher.

Dobson, you stink!

Coach, listen.

I think it's time for a pitching change.

Twitty, get in there, buddy, come on!

COACH TUGNUT: Twitty, sit down.

COACH TUGNUT:
Stevens, for the last time

you are not the coach here.

The only reason you're on the team

is because you have a radar g*n.

Where'd you get that thing anyway?

Got it at a police auction.

Now, I would've got the Jaws of Life.
It just didn't fit on my bike.

ARTIE: Uh-oh!
There goes another one!

Twitty! Why are you just sitting there?
Get in the game.

-But I thought you said...
-Go!

Come on, bud. All right.

Now pitching for the first time
this season, Alan Twitty.

Whoo!

ARTIE: Alan throws right, bats left

and lives around the corner
from Del's Pizzeria.

Twitty, you forgot your glove.

-Good start.
-No, I'll get it. Don't worry about it.

Here, hold this, okay?

You forgot your glove, bud.

-Guess I'm going to need that.
-Yeah.

You okay?

Twitty, okay, you're going to do great.

Just relax, have fun.
You have nothing to lose.

-Okay?
-Okay.

-Okay?
-Okay.

All right, buddy.
It's all about you.

LOUIS: He's good.

Strike one.

Yowza! Strike one.

Throwing some serious heat.
That's the way!

COACH TUGNUT: Smoking!

UMPIRE: Strike two.

-Strike three.
-Out of there.

-Yeah! Yeah!
-Yeah! Go, Twitty!

You're out!

(CHEERING)

ARTIE: He's out of there!

And the Wombats win!

Thanks to the amazing performance
of Alan Twitty.

Holy guacamole, a star is born!

And that's not even the worst part.
I got an A-minus in English.

Oh, hey, Ren, not to interrupt
and not to alarm you,

but Bobby Deaver got new jeans.

Yeah, I saw them.

But they're not new,
they're in the rotation.

Ren, can you get my homework
assignment for me?

I have to go to the nurse's office.

I think I have irritable chalk syndrome.

Um, yeah, sure, whatever.

Okay, I have to ask.

Nelson, what's irritable chalk syndrome?

While I was cleaning the chalk board

I breathed in this giant dust ball.

You know what,
I hate it when that happens.

Nurse Phil will flush out your sinuses.

Well, let's hope so.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Oh. Bye.

-What's up?
-Nothing.

I'm just getting my books.

I have geography next.

It's a big world.

(CHUCKLING)

-You ever been to Canada?
-No.

You know, our system of government
is very similar to theirs.

Cool.

Well, it was nice talking to you.

You, too.

(SIGHS)

So, how did it go?

We talked about Canada.

Canada. Not so romantic.

I don't get it. Every time I talk to him
I get so nervous

I just start rambling and can't shut up.

Well, I have some advice for you.
Do shut up.

RUBY: Just let him do that talking.

But what if there's an awkward silence

-and then...
-Shh.

-But what...
-Shh.

Shh.

So, Twitty, how does it feel
to be the big sports hero?

I mean, not that I'm into sports
or anything.

Great game.

I actually find it to be a waste
of the human spirit.

BOY: You the man.

-But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.
-BOY : MVP.

I got to give props
to my main man, Lou,

'cause he is the guy that told me
I just got to relax on the mound

and I got nothing to lose.

-That's right, bro.
-He's the man.

Except now everything's changed.

What do you mean?

Yeah, what do you mean?

Twitty, you're the guy
everyone counts on to win games.

I... I am?

You're finally in the spotlight.
You're the closer, the man.

The big poppa with the big moppa!

Hey, Ren.
Hey, I wanted to ask you something.

Okay?

You know this Saturday's
our field trip to Sutter's Fort

and I was wondering if you wanted to...

you know, sit next to me on the bus.

Great.

So I'll see you on Saturday.

Well, it was nice talking to you.

It worked.

What?

Excuse me.

(SCREAMS) Yes! Yes! Yes!

Thank you.

Now pitching
for the Lawrence Wombats, Alan Twitty.

Shut 'em down, Twitty.
We all know you can do it.

Okay, Twitty, you know what to do.

What?

Strike 'em out,
shut the door, save the game.

What are you doing here?

-No, what are you doing here?
-Why, you...

LOUIS: Twitty.

Twitty, Twitty.

You're finally in the spotlight.
You're the closer, the man.

The big poppa with the big moppa!

BOTH: Throw the dang ball!

(SIGHS)

Whoa! Look out!

(CROWD GASPING)

ARTIE: Oh, right in the peanuts!

That's got to hurt.

(CROWD GROANING)

Twitty! Throw it over the plate!

Oh, holy cow,
someone get me a hard hat.

-(GLASS BREAKS)
-(CAR ALARM BLARING)

And the final score
is Schuster Junior High, .

Lawrence Junior High, .

But the real story here
is how Alan Twitty stunk up the field.

Twitty, Twitty, Twitty.
Listen, listen, buddy.

You were a little off, all right?

But on the plus side,
that one pitch that hit the windshield

it was miles per hour and I think...

You know, you talk too much.

-What?
-Look, man.

You got inside my brain, okay?

You messed things up.

You made me choke,

and now I'm never going
to pitch again.

Twitty, I just wanted to tell you...

(GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES)

Twitty, you don't look so good.

Guys, what are you doing here?

I told you on the phone
that I didn't want to talk about this.

You got to get up.
You got a game this afternoon.

Up and at em'. Hup, hup, hup!
Come on. Let's get up.

I'm not playing anymore, man.
You saw how bad I pitched yesterday.

Twitty, look, we can help you
with your problem, okay?

-We believe it to be psychological.
-Right here.

Nothing is going to help, okay?

I just choked
and now I'm choking at everything.

And now I'm going to choke again
at my game this afternoon.

No, that's not true.
There's a treatment called, uh...

behavior modification,
and it can help, bro.

-What is it?
-Louis?

Oh, yeah, right.

Okay, to put it simply,
good thoughts earn you rewards.

A delicious jellybean, okay?

Bad thoughts earn you...

A whiff of my deadliest, nastiest socks.

-(STEAM HISSING)
-(GROANING)

Ooh.

(COUGHING)
Come on, Twitty, just try it.

You got nothing to lose, right?

Absolutely nothing.

-All right.
-Okay.

Okay, now, now close your eyes

and picture yourself
at this afternoon's game.

In the dugout,
waiting to go out and pitch.

Now, how do you feel?

Uh, I guess I feel okay.

Rockin'. Give him a jellybean.

LOUIS: Awesome. Good thought.

Okay, now you go out to that...
that stupid hill thingy.

It's a mound. It's called a mound.

Whatever.

Okay, the team,
the students, your parents

everyone is looking at you
waiting for you to throw your first pitch.

Now, how do you feel?

My heart's racing, I feel like
I swallowed a pumpkin

and I want to "fuzz fuzz" Mr. Blanket

which I haven't done in ten years.

-(BASKET LID SQUEAKS)
-(STIFLED GROAN)

LOUIS: Just breathe deep!

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, Nelson, you can't sit here.

Ren, my mother read the safest place
to sit on the bus is over the axle.

Call me old-fashioned, but I want to live.

Well, your mother was wrong.

RUBY: Bobby.

(SIGHS)

TWITTY: (MUMBLING)
Guys, I'm getting light-headed.

When can I have a jellybean?

This isn't working.
It's time to pull out the big g*ns.

Dirty underwear.

Why don't you just call
your brother Donnie?

I mean,
he knows everything about sports.

Nothing in your way, here we go.

(LAUGHING)

-DONNIE: Wait. Where's the surprise party?
-LOUIS: No.

Donnie, forget that. We tricked you.

We brought you here to help Twitty.

He used to be this awesome pitcher.
But now he's lost his confidence.

So, there's no ice cream cake?

They're trying to keep me from messing up
at my next baseball game, okay?

But it's not going to work
'cause I'm a screw-up.

I'm out of here.

Dude.

TWITTY: Goodbye.

That was the closet.

Look, kid, I had the same problem
with sh**ting foul sh*ts in basketball.

DONNIE: You know, the more I thought
about it, the worse it got.

I mean, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.

I got nervous pimples.

Oh, big nasty ones.

Then my coach,
he told me that I need to relax.

So he sent me to this great spa.

Big Al's.

Man, it completely mellowed me out.

I didn't miss a sh*t
the rest of the season.

Dude, we got to hit that spa.

Ren, Ren, your forehead's turning pink.

What does it matter?

Bobby is way up there

and he's never going to see
my pink forehead.

Look, you'll get your Bobby, trust me.

I know how we can get
Captain Blow-Your-Nose to move.

I'm not moving.

Nelson, what if I could arrange
for you to sit next to Tasha?

I'm moving.
How'd you know I had a crush on her?

Please, it's my job.

But, Ruby, Amy's sitting next to Tasha.

Relax, I'll get you and Bobby
together next time we stop.

We'll get Amy to move next to Justin.
They're lab partners.

Then we get Stan who's next to Justin

to move next
to Donna "Dirty Ears" Delucci.

Stan has stinky feet,
so they make a nice couple.

-And then we'll..
-(BRAKES SQUEALING)

RUBY: Okay, everybody.

You all know your assignments.
Let's do it.

Something's not right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This... this is the spa?

-I'm supposed to relax here?
-Yeah.

It was nicer the last time I was here.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

-I guess Big Al let the place go.
-(BUBBLING)

I think Big Al let himself go.

Oh, it says "Push here." Okay.

(SCRATCHY TAPE PLAYING)

Howdy, I'm Big Al.
Sorry I let myself go.

The therapeutic mud treatment is $

-and the sauna is complementary.
-That's cool.

However, the sauna room is broken.

Well, folks, enjoy my Country Spa,
and on the way out, grab a fresh towel

and stop by Big Al's
Country Kissing Booth.

Happy relaxing.

You want to jump right in the mud
or go in the kissing booth?

Hey, hey, no, look.
We're here to pack him in the mud

and straighten his head out.

I'm not getting in that nasty mud.

Listen, Twitty,
I'm your best friend, okay?

And I want to help you,

but you're at the point now
where only you can help you.

Dude, I don't know, man.

The mud's starting to smell kind of funky.

Twitty, he drove miles okay?

I'm spending $ .

You're getting in the stinking mud!

I'm not getting in the mud pit, man.

How does it feel?

Feels like I'm in a giant bowl
of dirt pudding

with a rusty license plate in it.

Come on. For the next hour

just soak
and don't think about anything.

You're in a place
of suspended tranquility.

No thoughts, no wants, no needs.

-You guys hungry?
-Yeah, I'm starved.

-Didn't we pass a Burger Barn?
-Yeah, I think we did. Let's go.

Hey, will you guys get me some fries?

Will you get me some slaw?

-(MUD BUBBLING)
-A pickle?

RUBY: Okay, this is where
we went wrong.

Larry Lincoln sat next
to Colleen Rositano,

not Colleen McCormack.

It was a simple case
of Colleen confusion.

This is not going to work.

Let's just see.

Okay, people. Uh, let's try this again.

Try to get it right this time, all right?

Ready, and go!

(MOUTHING) I'm sorry.

Is it just me

or is the whole world revolving
around Ren Stevens?

This is not about my ego, Nelson.

I was going to sit next to Bobby Deaver
and I was really looking forward to it.

It's too late now.

Hey, Ren.

Finally made it.

You know the national fish of Canada
is the copperhead salmon?

Yeah, I looked it up.

(CHUCKLES) You don't want to talk
about Canada, do you?

Not really.

Look, that whole Canada thing
was just me being nervous around you.

You know, I'm nervous around you, too.

But it's weird because I usually
don't get nervous around girls,

but I am with you.

So, we're both nervous around each other.

I guess we have something in common.

I guess we do.

Oh, man, I feel like a little kid again.

Oh, that is so sweet.

No, I mean, when I was a little kid
I used to get carsick.

So... I'm kind of feeling like that.

-Could you excuse me for one second?
-Bobby, Bobby?

(VOMITING)

That was great.

I've never been so relaxed.

Hey, hey, I'm stuck.

I...

Help!

Help!

-Help!
-(VULTURES SCREECHING)

Come on, guys, where are you?

We're right here, dude.

Hey, what's up, man?

I'm stuck. That's what's up.

-Crummy mud hardened!
-TAWNY: Oh, look at this.

"Stir mud every five minutes
otherwise mud will harden."

Oh. Yeah, that's great.

"Love, Big Al."

-(PATTING GROUND)
-Yeah, the guy knows his mud.

Will someone just get me
out of here, okay?

I'm trapped, and I'm going
to be trapped here forever.

I'm never going to get to see
my grandchildren...

No, no, no, I got you into this,
I'm going to get you out, okay?

(WHISPERS)
Donnie, how do we get him out?

Um, I would say dig, and quick,
before he gets fossilized.

Of course.

Louis. I swear to Bob
that when I get out of here

I'm going to pound on you
for about a week.

You know, that's not really incentive
for me to dig any faster.

-Ow!
-Oh, sorry.

Hey, don't worry, big guy.
We'll get you out of here in no time.

I say all's well that ends well.

I say we let bygones be bygones.

I say, uh...
that you run for your life!

Right!

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt...

I was just trying to help you!

Twitty! Twitty, stop it!

Wait, stop!

Do you realize you've hit the bulls-eye
every single time?

Yeah, that is some cannon
you got there, dude.

Too bad we can't focus that anger.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Here we go.

Strike!

-Yeah, yeah!
-Twitty! Two more!

You want some more?

Strike!

I don't know what's happened,
but the Twitty-meister is back.

You're out of here!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Strike three. You're out of here.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Way to go, Twitty!

-We got it! We got it!
-All right!

(YELLS)

-(LAUGHS)
-Stevens, what are you doing?

I'm celebrating!

Idiot! We're in the top of the fifth.

We have two innings to go.

Sorry, I got a little excited there.

-Let me just tidy you up there. I'm sorry.
-Not your hat!

Right, of course not,
why would I use my hat?

You probably like yours more.

(YELLING)

-Hey, Ren.
-Hey.

So, how was your trip?

Pretty good, after they hosed down
Nelson's backpack.

-Good.
-Who won the game?

Oh, we did.

Twitty got back to his old self again

and he's pitching really well, so...

Oh, that's good. Tugnut must be happy.

Well, no, actually, uh,
he's kind of ticked off at me.

Which is not a big deal, you know?

So, after he chilled off,

I told him there's this place
he could go relax.

So he's going tomorrow.

Help!

Somebody?

(WHIMPERING)

Stevens!