01x02 - First Days

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

f*ck Zack.

Perfection's a myth,
and boys clearly suck.

- Whoo!
- Are you a piece of sh*t?

No, I-I don't think I am.

[Cellphone buzzes]

I live-streamed us having sex.

But don't worry, no one's know it's you.

I just sh*t tits and ass.

[Grunting]

We have a chance to do the thing

that we have always been talking about.

We take a boy, and we make him better.

What? Like lessons?

Yes.

Class is in session.

Okay. Let's try this again.

First few days at a new
school, we've all been there.

So, while I'd hoped we'd
be a little further along,

we'll just ease into things.

- Never gonna work.
- It's gonna work.

It has to work.
Everybody wants to learn.

Okay.

So, this is about assessment.

Just basic start-up questions

so we can help you be a better you.

Got it? [Exhales forcefully]

- Ow!
- Claire!

The boy needs consequences.

That's not how I want to do things.

Dog shits on the floor,

you whack him with a magazine, right?

No. God, no, you don't do that.

Agree to disagree.

How about an oral exam?

Hurts a lot less than an a**l one.

No pencils, no pressure.
It'll be like a game show.

signs you might be a d*ck.

Question number one.

Do you have specific
body type requirements

for the girls you date?

- Ow!
- Claire!

Oh, God damn it, that felt so good.

- You gotta try it, Cassie.
- Okay, Owen,

will you just excuse us for one moment?

Okay, we gotta be a team here.

He is destroying my lesson plan.

Dude, we have to break him down.

Sleep deprivation, repetitive chanting.

I mean, I can't teach
him unless I assess him,

and I can't assess him if I
don't know anything about him.

Like, what kind of music does he like?

Is he a pancake or
waffle guy? I don't know.

If you hadn't trashed his phone,

we would have gotten all that.

You know they can track those things.

Hang on, I'm on his Facebook.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- What? What? What is it?
- Some chick, the same chick.

It's, like, she's f*cking everywhere.

She's, like, all over his wall.

- f*ck.
- f*ck. f*ck.

[Chair creaks]

Who's the girl? What's her deal?

Who's Audrey?

Is this your girlfriend?

No.

Ow! I don't know.

Maybe. Ow!

How is she a girlfriend maybe?

How long were you seeing her?

Five months.

Jesus! I knew you were a lying assh*le,

but you didn't even have the decency

to be a single lying assh*le?

We aren't together anymore.

- [Chalk scraping]
- When did you break up?

Ow!

It wasn't an event.

It just kind of happened
a couple weeks ago.

You ghosted her.

You f*cking ghosted her.

No. No, no. Hang on. I didn't...

Relationships don't just end.
They're not "The Sopranos."

Did you say the words,

"We're breaking up," or "It's over"?

- Not exactly.
- "It's not you, it's me"?

"I'm not ready for a relationship"?

- "You're too good for me."
- God, I f*cking hate that

when it's like somehow it's our fault

we're not shitty enough for them.

Wait, which means Audrey thinks
that they're still together,

and now that he's stopped posting,

she's worried about his sorry ass.

Well, if she's smart,

she'll realize he's not
worth the aggravation

and give up.

So let's just wait it out.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry. Is something funny?

You're both so f*cked.

♪ ♪

Audrey once harassed
a manager at Lululemon

until he let her return a pair of pants

eight months after she bought them.

Good God.

Without a receipt.

That's not possible.

Watched a man break that day.

Good luck, ladies.

You just woke up the bear.

[Growls]

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run ♪

♪ If you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

C-C-Cassandra!

Cassan... Cassandra!

[Clears throat] What's up?

Hey, I'm late for a
meeting. How's it going?

[Stuttering] Yeah, I
got like viewers

on my "Counter-Strike"
Twitch last night.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I'm no leader, but I get by. [Laughs]

Oh, I noticed your lawn
is looking a bit leafy.

- I could clean it up.
- No.

- No?
- I like it messy.

Oh, no, cool, yeah, no problem.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I also
got a new business.

Check it.

- Yeah, except...
- _

you got to put U-R for "your"

and three F's for "stuff."

- Why the three F's?
- Two F's was taken.

But now, I figure it's...
it's like a brand, you know,

like how... how Google
used to be spelled with a U,

but now they got all those O's.

Yeah, I don't think that's a thing.

I could, like, fix the
screen or jailbreak the O.S.

That sounds great. I'll keep it in mind.

Or... and... but... and... Cool. Yeah.

If you just want to hang
out just you and me, like,

you know where to find...
you know where to find...

you know where to find me.

- So, I'm...
- [Engine starts]

- [Meditation music playing]
- _

[Cellphone buzzes]

_

_

Tell me everything you
know about Elijah Foster.

- Go.
- Oh, okay. Elijah Foster.

He's big on the British theater
scene. He's in a couple indie films.

He's trying to break into Hollywood,
but I think it's kind of a big jump.

It's a leap of f*cking
faith is what it is.

East of the Atlantic,
Elijah soaks panties

like it's f*cking monsoon season.

But here in America, he might
as well be my cousin Dave.

- Do you know Dave?
- I don't think so.

Exactly. No one gives a sh*t about Dave.

So now you see our problem.

Elijah's agents want us to help rebrand,

and Ken Hall has promised
the company package.

All six fronts...

traditional, digital,
social, extra social,

post-digital and meta-traditional,

all working at the same time.

I know Elijah's kind of a
big deal over in England,

and I've seen his pictures
online, and yeah, he's really hot,

but so are a million other actors.

- He needs a hook.
- She's got a point.

- It's all about a hook.
- [Laughs] Oh, Elijah,

so good to see you.

This is Cassandra French.

She is part of the social
media team here at Ken Hall.

What I meant to say was that

- you're someone who's talented...
- No-no-no, that's all right...

that's all right... it's a challenge.

Let's not be scared
of it. Don't hold back.

I mean, I get how it works.

I can't expect instant
fame or money or respect.

Those things will come.

For now, I'm happy to get by on honesty.

- Yeah, this place is pretty amazing.
- Mm.

Try to get here a few times
a week and do the labyrinth.

Helps me center myself.

Yeah, I tried to do those
mindfulness coloring books,

and all I got were hand cramps.

- So, shall we get to business?
- Oh. Is that it?

Is that the end of the banter?

What's the usual time period for this?

- Five to seven minutes, I'd say.
- Hmm.

See, in the UK, we
usually start off with tea,

and then about two minutes of
banter, and then right to business.

After about an hour or so,
we cr*ck out the tea again

and have a discussion
on European politics.

Banter.

Right.

Maybe after lunch, you'll have
a better attitude about all this.

Maybe after lunch, you could blow me.

[Chuckles]

You think that's funny?

I can handle insults.
I'm from Boyle Heights.

But my best friend is sweet and kind,

and she really wants this to work,

and this disrespect
you're throwing her way,

that's what pisses me off.

So you're gonna spray
me in the face with water

to teach me a lesson.

No, I'm gonna sh**t you in the face

with homemade pepper
spray because it's fun.

Now, Cassandra spent a lot of time

putting these questions together, so...

[Laughs]

She printed these off Buzzfeed.

That's right, and she ran out of ink,

so she had to go to the
Office Depot on Wilshire.

Ever been? Hmm?

No?

The whole place smells
like wet dog all the time,

and there is one cashier,

and he has the mental
function of a rabbit.

And I'm not punching this guy
down. I'm just stating a fact.

It's an ordeal.

And she went through this ordeal for you

because she believes in you, Owen.

She believes that you can evolve

at least one step

past the parasitic penis monster

that you appear to be.

So, shut the f*ck up

and answer these
admittedly stupid questions.

, ...

Oh! God damn it!

[Tray clatters]

- f*ck!
- I warned you.

Hmm. I got about more
sprays left in this bad boy.

That's all you get to eat today.

That's a shame.

Mmm. It's so good.

Just give me the f*cking pencil.

You know, I have to admit,

I haven't really
latched onto social media

the way everyone else has.

I mean, I've got some
pictures of my dog,

trip to Siena, but that's about it.

But the way some people
use Twitter and Instagram,

there's a real sense of... of passion,

and I'd like to find that.

You want to be passionate on Twitter?

Well, when I did "Othello" at the Globe,

people fainted during
the standing ovation.

The news said it was outdoor seating

and the biggest heat
wave of the century,

but I believe it was the
intensity of our performance

that sent those audience
members to their feet

and then to the hospital.

I want the whole world to
feel my passion for life.

I want to send the whole world
to hospital in a good way.

We love your passion.

At Ken Hall Publicity,
we are all about passion.

Fantastic. I'd love to hear some ideas.

I saw an interview on Channel
where you were mentoring kids

from the neighborhood where you grew up.

You watch British television?

Not regularly, but I saw that.

Maybe what you're looking for
is we focus on your passion

for helping out disadvantaged children.

- That is important to me.
- We can see that.

And that's why it's important to us.

Yes!

That's it. There it is.

- Passion.
- We knew you'd love it.

- Now we just need to sketch out...
- Ah, I've got to run to a fitting.

Booked a small gig on
the new Scorsese film.

Oh. The crime one.

[Chuckles]

Let's schedule our follow-up
for another day, shall we?

So long as you bring this one.

[Laughs]

Of course.

We wouldn't have it any other way.

That was great. He was great.

- This is gonna be...
- Great?

He's what we sell, not what we buy.

If you really want to be taken
seriously as a woman in this business,

don't sample the product,

no matter how perfectly it sweats.

Wendy, I-I would never.

Now, short of that, do what it takes.

In order to know what our clients need,

we need to know what they think.

In order to know what they
think, we gotta go in deep.

Go to their house, eat their food,

groom their dogs, scold their children.

Just don't f*ck them.

The clients, not the children.

Either.

♪ ♪

Claire.

We're gonna "Ocean's Eleven" his ass.

We need information on Owen
in order to assess him, right,

and we got to cr*ck his social media

to calm that crazy girlfriend.

You've got the address off his license.

Let's do this sh*t.

Yeah, okay. You can be Clooney.

I don't know. I'll be Brad Pitt.

[Scoffs] I'm not gonna be Julia Roberts.

She wasn't even part of the crew.

Right? I mean, like, the
only female in that film,

and they can't even throw her
a couple of minutes of scre...

Are we doing this?

♪ ♪

_

[Tires screech]

♪ ♪

[Spits]

All right. Talk to me, Lex.

Lex here with another...

"Dirty Maintenance" show.

Today, I want to do
a lock-picking video.

Hand-picking locks.

Now you're speaking my language, Lex.

Keep going with that.

[Speaking indistinctly]

Cassie?

Cassie.

Cassie, just....

God damn it.

[Dog barking in distance]

[Sniffs]

Yep.

This is an assh*le's apartment.

Like if an actual assh*le came to life,

and filled out a credit check

and got a one-bedroom in Van Nuys,

it would look exactly like this.

He was inside of me.

[Gasps] Oh, my God. Dude, check it out.

He has p*rn on DVD?

"Moist Thighs, Pink Bottoms."

He was inside of my body.

I know. It's gross. I'm sorry.

But are you really that surprised?

Listen, you want to find out more
about this guy, this is our chance,

so let's pack up as much sh*t as we can,

and get the f*ck out of here.

Oh, sh*t, he's got a mom.

Yeah, so does Guy Fieri.

Claire, what do you
got against Guy Fieri?

He's just trying to showcase America.

He knows what he did.

Hmm.

[Glass clattering]

Damn it.

What you doing over there, Sparky?

I'm trying to think like Owen.

How many different ways
can you spell boobs?

It's a laptop, so let's
just grab it and go,

because I don't want to catch anything.

Okay, that is the second
time you've referenced me

catching something from Owen,

and I really feel like
I need to make a trip

- to Planned Parenthood.
- You might.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

[Knock on door]

Owen, it's Mrs. Pataky from .

Are you in there, dear?

I was hoping I'd get to see you today.

I still owe you a handsie
for fronting me that molly.

[Footsteps fade]

Okay, let's get the f*ck out of here.

♪ ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Hoo, ooh ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo ♪

Whoo!

We did it! Heist!

More B&E, but points for enthusiasm.

f*ck "Ocean's Eleven."

We're like "Thelma & Louise."

Yeah, totally, except
for that, you know...

all the, like, k*lling
and raping and su1c1de.

Wait. What?

Have you actually
seen "Thelma & Louise"?

Yeah. Yeah, I, like, saw the trailer.

♪ Don't you give me lip, boy ♪

That's what that movie's about?

Yeah.

I mean, they drove off of a cliff?

That's f*cking insane.

Yeah.

Makes dealing some sh*t on a
laptop seem a lot better, huh?

Yeah, but like, we get in that laptop,

and all of his secrets are ours.

You know, it's gonna be, like, more p*rn

and, like, lots of pictures
of dirt bikes, right?

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo ♪

[Grunting]

So, can you cr*ck it?

[Stuttering] I can cr*ck this.

Whose gear is it?

Love to tell you, Doug, but you
know Hollywood secrets, NDA's.

Totally. Show biz.

I'm gonna ring this up...

special price, friend price.

Special friend price.

Ready?

bucks. Boom.

- $
- Deal.

My take me a few days, though,

but I have...

I have Miller Lite left over from the...

- Good night, Doug.
- Okay, cool, cool.

- The offer still st...
- Stay off my lawn, Doug.

Yeah, yeah.

You guys... you guys like
beer pong and Hacky Sack?

Little to the left.

Oh, no, wait, sorry. To the right.

Yes.

Oh, dude, look, he
finished all of his quizzes.

Oh, it almost makes me not
want to punch him in the face.

See?

I told you he didn't
need to be threatened.

He just needed a little
time to relax and think.

Yeah, you were right.

Huh.

Crepes.

♪ ♪

You know, I gotta say,

I was a little worried
there for a minute,

but I actually think all of
this is gonna work out just fine.

♪ Let my... ♪

♪ People go ♪

♪ Go down, Moses ♪

♪ Way down in Egypt's land ♪

♪ Tell old Pharaoh ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

♪ Standing here right
where Moses stood ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

♪ Go down, Moses ♪

♪ Way down in Egypt's land ♪

♪ Tell old Pharaoh ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

♪ Well, one of these mornings ♪

♪ It won't be long ♪

♪ You'll look for me ♪

♪ But I'll be gone ♪

♪ Because Moses is moving on ♪

♪ Let my people go ♪

Next time on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

I think it's probably pretty obvious

what today's lesson
is gonna be all about.

Honesty.

You're an interesting woman. You
must be doing interesting things.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Heartbeat thumping]