02x01 - New Terminal

[bunniefuu]

This is absolutely unbelievable.

Twice in the past week.

I will be on the phone
to your superior.

Yeah, I am Chief Inspector

and I will be on the
phone to your superior.

It's just simply not acceptable,
do you understand?

Yes.

Hang on. Did you want
stuffed crust or just...?

Yes, stuffed crust, please.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪

[narrator]
This is Northend Airport,

the most successful airport
in Northend.

Hello! [laughs]

Back again to bother us?

Sorry. Just act natural.

Here, the men and women on the
front line of the UK's borders

have granted us
behind-the-scenes access

like never before,
apart from last year.

[Linda takes a deep breath]
Yes!

It's Monday morning and
Chief Inspector Linda Proctor

is determined to start the week
as she means to go on,

with an upbeat
and positive outlook.

[Linda] Good morning, everyone!
Good morning.

Now I have been concerned
in the past that team meetings

tend to focus on the negative.

So from now on, positivity.

Have you been on another
training course?

Instant negativity.

No, I haven't actually.

This is my own initiative.

It was actually a management
training course.

Yes, we can!

Fostering hope and positivity
in management methodology.

[Linda] I actually...
I got a lot out of it.

We played truth or dare.

That was an eye opener.
Do you know what "bukkake" is?

I have some very positive news.

To celebrate the opening
of the new terminal,

we are having a royal visit.

-[Andy] The Queen?
-[Tariq laughs]

Why is that funny?
That would be insane.

-No, no, it's not the Queen.
-[they all chatter]

-Er, we don't know.
-Eugene?

Please stop trying to guess.
We don't actually know.

-Could be Sophie?
-It's not. Look, we don't know.

You wouldn't bow if the Queen...

Look, it's not
the cocking Queen, OK!

Despite the agents excitement
at the impending royal visit,

not everyone at the airport
shares their enthusiasm.

When I heard I was like,
"What?! No way!"

-What was I like, Suji?
-Er, he was like,

"what?! No way!"

I won't have no royals up in here,
you understand what I'm saying, bruv?

-Not on my watch. What'd I say?
-Yeah, not on his watch.

Not on my watch. Bringing
their imperialisms now.

Bringing their colonialisms now
into my work space.

-No, thank you. What did I say?
-Er?

I can't really
remember all of it.

During an unusually quiet
period at passport control,

Proctor gets increasingly
nervous about the royal visit

and attempts to stay positive
by any means necessary.

Grant, don't give those
back to me, OK?

-Sugar is a drug.
-OK. Understood.

I do not need sugar
to be positive.

Honestly, it's so addictive,
it's worse than cocaine.

I've never tried
cocaine before, Lin.

p*rn then.

Oh, right.

What Proctor doesn't know
is the mystery royal

isn't the only surprise visit
to Northend today.

Ex-border agent Clive Hassler
is also on site

in his new role as
airport police officer.

When I applied to transfer

to the airport they
were really surprised.

Cos they said that
no one ever, ever, ever

wants to come and work
at the airport.

I think that's just cos
they've maybe never been to one

or know what it's like.

The rest of the team
are so far unaware

that Clive's working here again
and he's looking forward

to breaking it to them gently.

-Do you know--
-Get on the f*cking ground!

-[Linda screams]
-Oh, my..

Oh, Jesus Christ!

You scared the living
daylights out of me!

-Clive! What are you doing here?
-Sorry.

-[Linda laughs]
-Hey, Grant!

-Clive. Good to see you.
-Oh, hey, guys!

Is, er... Ooh! [laughs]

-Oh, new sound guy.
-Clive.

-[laughs]
-So why are you here?

Eh? Oh, er...

I'm the new airport policeman.

I'm gonna be stationed
at the terminal.

-Really?
-Yep.

So you're the first
line of defence

between us and
a t*rror1st att*ck?

Yeah, well me and Big Malcolm.

-Who's Big Malcolm?
-Oh, it's my partner.

I'm just getting
his lunch for him.

-You enjoying yourself?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-Life's big dream, eh?
-Yeah, it's what I wanted.

-Can I touch your g*n?
-No.

-Go on, please.
-I'm not really supposed to...

- Just a little touch.
- No. Well, you're not my boss any more.

No! Don't... reach
for it because...

-Sorry, I...
-Hey, Clive...

-No, sorry, I just...
-I'm sorry.

No, it's OK. I'm still
getting used to it myself.

Do you want to come
and see the other guys?

-They're just in there?
-Yeah. Go and see them.

-They'd love to see you.
-You want a sweet?

-May I have these?
-Yeah.

Listen, you can touch my g*n.

-Just not in front of the cameras.
-Oh, OK, cool.

Back in the office, Agent
Mansoor is still rather amused

that his colleague Agent Church
appears to be a surprise royalist.

[Andy] I just don't think it's weird
to be excited about meeting the Queen.

But she won't come because
this is Northend Airport.

And she's really old.

But mainly cos
it's Northend Airport.

"What is your name, my dear?"

Andy. What's happening here?
Oh, you're the Queen!

-Your Majesty.
-Your Majesty, sorry. My fault.

"You're keeping our borders
safe? Protecting my money?"

Er, no, not my job, but I
will keep your borders safe.

"So tiring, you know, millions
just falling from my pockets."

You should get a better
accountant if that is happening.

-"I am a good, good monarch."
-Yeah.

Oh, God!

-What did you do last night?
-Couple of beers

and then I did this
vape THC oil, which was...

-[he laughs]
-No, you didn't.

No, it's, er...
It's marijuana oil.

It's vaping.
It's not smoking, so...

Yeah, but you didn't do that
either because that's still illegal.

Oh... Yeah.

So that's the Queen's night,
and what did you do, Tariq?

Oh, just had a couple
of pints and went home.

[Andy] Oh, that's just
a game that we play.

Yeah, he comes in every day and
pretends to be a different...

monarch doing a different
illegal thing.

So yesterday it was
Prince Charles...

speeding.

After his successful impression

of the Queen smoking
something illegal,

Agent Mansoor, who just had
a couple of pints and went home,

seems to be
inexplicably nervous.

Luckily, he's about to
receive a welcome distraction.

Hey, guys, erm, a bit
of a surprise for you.

It's me! I'm the surprise!

-Oh!
-It's me! I'm the surprise.

-Hey, man! Good to see you.
-How you doing, Tariq?

Ah!

-Hey, Clive!
-Hey, Andy.

How you doing?

I'm gonna to be working
in the terminal.

-What this one?
-Yeah!

What? Really?
Wow, that's great.

So strong now,
do you know what I mean?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

-Just the one?
-No, I've got both.

-Oh, OK.
-Other side of that.

Yeah. Good to see you guys.

We've... Yeah, we've actually
got to get to a briefing, but...

-Yeah, good to see you.
-I've got police stuff to do.

Yeah, don't wanna
take your time.

-See you later, man.
-Bye!

The only problem is that
the trousers are very tight.

And, erm...

I want to be imposing
to criminals...

for the right reasons.

Oh, Clive, you're still here.

Oh, yeah, I was just coming
to check on you guys and...

make sure this area's safe.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, no crimes.
-Sugar?

Oh, you've made a spare.

Oh, that will be my partner,
Big Malcolm.

PC Clive Hassler, over.

Where the f*ck are you,
you little prat?

I told you to get your
f*cking arse back here already,

you f*cking toe rag! Get your
f*cking arse over here now!

Over.

Message received. Over, over.

Big Malcolm is called Big
Malcolm because he's so big,

that it helps to identify him
aside from other Malcolms.

"Which Malcolm are you
talking about?" "Big Malcolm."

"The big one?" "Exactly."

[sighs] He's so big.

-Yeah...
-You need to...

As PC Hassler rushes off
to get lunch

for the only Malcolm in
the Northend Police Service,

Proctor has an update
on the royal visit.

We have our answer. The new
terminal at Northend Airport

will be opened by...
the Earl of Sandwich.

Yep, funny name.
Let's get it all out now.

Yeah. No, he's actually
my favourite royal.

Just behind the Italian
Baron Panini.

-Oh, strong, very good.
-I was holding out for that French guy.

-The Dauphin the Baguette.
-Ah, that's a good one.

Oh, there's the Russian Count.

Oh, God! What's Russian
for "sandwich"?

Ah, f*ck it!

So funny.

Mm. Bagel.

-Ah.
-[Grant chuckles]

Yeah. Er, Count von Bagel.

Having attended to
Big Malcolm's lunch,

PC Hassler has time
for some routine checks

and catching up
with old friends.

-Yeah, it's good.
-[Sujan] Feels safe as well.

-Yeah, I feel safe.
-Do I press that or...?

That's just for police
business.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

But you never mess with
the emergency services, innit?

Mum taught me that.

There's a camera,
there's a camera up there.

Ah, f*ck the police!

Don't talk to me! I don't
wanna talk to you, officer!

-It's Clive though, innit?
-That's what you wanna do!

Put me and my people behind
the bars, innit, officer?

That's what you wanna do,
policeman!

Er, see you later then.

I don't want to talk
to you, policeman.

Er, I'll see you at lunch.

Alright, he's gone.

-How long was the camera on for?
-Not long. We're alright.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah.

Linda, if you d*ed, right,

who would be in charge?

[laughs] OK, erm, well, you're
the next down in seniority,

so it would be you
in the interim.

Yeah.

Yep.

-Bit nervous now.
-Don't be nervous, it's fine.

I'm gonna make a cup of tea.

It's a special day
at Northend Airport,

as the new terminal
is to be officially opened

by mid-table nobleman
the Earl of Sandwich.

Agent Brodie wants to
make sure he's fully prepared.

The Earl's seat
is Haverford House

and he was educated at Balliol.

I expect him to be a debonair
man. You know, very polite

and chivalrous, maybe,
would be what, er,

the Earl of Sandwich...
means to me.

How is your seat?
Erm, Haverford House?

Haverford House, isn't it?

Balliol? Well, educated myself
at Galashiels Business College.

However, not everyone in the airport
is enthused by the special occasion.

Baggage handlers Mo and Suj
have obtained

Proctors' permission to
officially protest the visit.

Yeah, it's nice but he's not
a Count, he's an Earl, so...

But what is even the difference
between a Count and an Earl, anyway?

I think one of their mums slept
with the king or something.

Historical hoes, I like that.

Just cross that one out there.

-what that one, yeah?
-Yeah, just cross it out. It'll be fine.

Oh, I like your style, Suji!

Look, that's just like
a generic cuss.

-Baron don't work here, anyway.
-Easy.

With the impending arrival
of such an important guest,

security measures
have been stepped up.

Not only is there
an elite police presence

in the form of PC Hassler,

but a new highly trained
specialist addition to the team.

Oh, hello, lovely!

-You're beautiful!
-Oh!

-Hello!
-[Andy laughs] Oh!

Isn't she lovely?
She's our new sniffer dog.

Hey, who's this?
Who's this guy?

-[dog barks]
-There you go, Tariq, alright?

-Erm...
-What's his problem?

Is this maybe
the Queen's jacket?

What? No, I was wearing
this last night when...

Oh? Yeah,
it's the Queen's jacket.

-I'm just gonna...
-Yeah, OK.

I don't think the dog
was barking cos of his jacket,

you know, actually he could
have been cos Tariq,

he stores...
meat in his jackets.

Different meats
for different jackets.

Sausages - bomber jacket.

Blazer - pastrami.

While Andy muses
on Tariq's meat,

Proctor fluffs
the Earl's pelmet

before he comes
into the terminal.

Lovely pelmet!
It's all coming together.

Power of positive thinking, see?

The Earl, the Earl can
suck his mum! The Earl...

the Earl, the Earl
can suck his mum!

No, no, no, no, no, no,
I can't have that here!

I though you said we
had a right to protest?

Yes, you do but over there,
please, by the fence, thank you.

What? That's far, bruv. It's
like living where in this joint.

-It's like North Korea.
-Understand me?

Listen, we'll see you in the European
Court of Human Rights, innit, Proctor?

Yeah, I don't think so.
Brexit, we left remember?

I told you not to vote out.

Proctor.

What? But we've
done the plaque.

Ah! T...

You have literally
just put sand in my vag*na.

Not literally.

I don't have much choice, do I?

OK, thanks for that.
Yep, brilliant, cheers. Bye.

So it turns out the Earl
of Sandwich is indisposed

so they're sending
us a Baron. [scoffs]

Is a Baron even royal? Might
as well send us Pippa Middleton.

At least everyone
could stare at her arse.

As Proctor awaits the arrival of the
incorrectly plaqued Baron Latimer,

yet another rare quiet moment
at passport control

gives PC Hassler a chance
to show his old friends

some of his newly acquired
enforcement skills.

And then by the time I got
you there, can you move?

-No, I can't, I can't move.
-Really?

From there I put
the handcuffs on,

but I can't find my keys,

so I don't wanna put
it on you right now.

-And then that would be it.
-Wow!

-That's really cool, man.
-Oh, great. You must love it?

-Do you wanna see my g*n?
-Er, yeah.

-Yeah.
-Cos I'm an airport policeman

-so I get to have a g*n.
-Wow!

It's kind of weird at first

but it becomes
an extension of your body.

And you can, like,
play with it.

-Oh, wow, that's so great.
-Dude is that safe?

-Sorry. No, that should be on.
-Yeah.

When I was training
to use the g*n,

they said that you have to
just sort of empty your mind,

so I just, sort of, look at
the target and then become calm.

Bang!

Can I just hold it?

Erm... Come round
the corner. OK?

-Yeah.
-Can I come?

Yeah.

Oh, we're just
going to the toilet.

-Oh, my God! It's so heavy.
-Yeah, put it in your mouth.

Meanwhile, outside,
the Baron arrives

to a warm welcome
from the staff.

Don't like that.

Fully prepped
and ready for action,

Agent Brodie provides a slick
and professional greeting.

He's stopped there, so...

-You the valet?
-No, er... Oh! right in my balls!

After a shaky start, Agent Brodie
regroups with a sure-fire icebreaker.

So how are the repairs going
at Haverford House?

The restoration
of your country seat?

-Who the arse do you think I am?
-You're the Earl of Sandwich?

No, no, no, no, I am not
the Earl of Sandwich.

Er, Lady...Linda this is
not the Earl of Sandwich.

-Chief Inspector Linda Proctor,
Baron, delighted to meet you.
-Baron of Sandwich.

So your job must have
got a lot easier.

-In what way, sir?
-Brexit!

Stop the hordes pouring in.

Well, I'm not really
sure "hordes" is...

I mean the odd Pole fair enough.
Had one rebuild my perimeter wall.

But not all these others. The
Bulgarians, Romanians, Kosovans.

-Now what is your position regarding
the Muslims? -Here we are, sir!

What outside? I'm not standing
around in the freezing cold.

I'll catch my death.

Er, Grant would you get
the Baron a jacket, please?

Oh, yeah. Yes.
I will get you a jacket.

Very good. Something tailored.

Oh, yeah, like a long. Yeah.

Not much of a turnout is there?
Couple of chaps over there.

-What does their sign say?
-Oh, yes, they're not with us.

Disappointed by their
protest's lack of impact...

Bruv, this sign
ain't even working!

..baggage handler Sujan Stevens

quickly improvises
an alternative solution.

-What are you doing?
-Semaphore.

-What is a semaphores?
-Is the chap doing semaphore?

-Erm...
-I did a bit of semaphore.

-Did you, sir?
-Yes, at school.

What's he saying? C...

U...

-N...
-Look at that eagle!

As the protest
escalates outside,

back at passport control,
PC Hassler continues to demonstrate

his expertise.

-Here's the b*ll*ts.
-Oh, God!

Give it me back!

-Good, er...
-Thanks, yeah.

I gotta place to go.
Careful of that.

Yeah.

-OK, dude?
-Alright.

-See you later.
-Yeah, see ya!

Do you wanna to
take my fingerprints?

Later, as some of the team
gather for the grand opening,

the Baron, suitably jacketed,
gives a short speech

to an appreciative crowd.

I'll be honest with you, before
today I'd never heard of N...

Northend Airport.

Not your fault though.

Couldn't possibly
pin that on you lot.

And I do like duty free,

although of course I never
pay tax on anything.

[they laugh]

Yes.

So without further ado,

I declare Northside
Airport...open.

To Proctor's relief,
it's gone without a hitch.

Until Snowflake the sniffer dog shows
just how professional she can be.

[Snowflake growls and barks]

Sorry about your
jacket there, Tariq.

-No, it's not my jacket.
-Yeah, that's your jacket.

sh*t!

-Get it off me! Someone!
-[crowd gasps]

Whilst Snowflake may have things
covered at the presentation,

behind the scenes there's
a major security issue.

Luckily, Northend's finest,
PC Hassler, is on the case.

Andy, Andy! I can't find my g*n!
Do you have my g*n?

-No, no, I don't have it.
-Oh, my God!

I think they're
allowed to k*ll me.

No, they're not allowed,
Where were you?

-I was with you.
-We were spinning the g*n.

-I stood on the g*n.
-We juggled the g*n.

I put the g*n in my mouth,
in your mouth.

I went to the toilet. I took
off my trousers and my pants.

-And poo's coming out of my bum.
-No, that's irrelevant.

-It's in the toilet!
-It's in the toilet!

Even though the opening ceremony
was something of a disaster,

Proctor remains convinced that
from now on things will improve.

-I want that dog put down.
-[woman screams]

-[Clive] Everybody get down!
-[crowd gasps]

[woman over PA]
Your safety is our priority.

[narrator]
She was wrong.

Hi. Er...

Can I have the g*n, please?

[girl] No.

I'll give you...
half of these sweets.

-[Linda] Give her all of them!
-Fine, I'll give her all of them!

I'll give you
all of these sweets.

Oh, I should have
got the g*n first.

[Linda]
How did it go?

We had to lie there for
about an hour and a half

before the real
police arrived.

Still no harm done, eh?

Apart from having to shut
the terminal for three hours

and re-route both
incoming flights.

Sometimes I think trying
to be positive is just...

bullshit.

It took me ages
to persuade the Baron

not to press charges,
cos he's such a twat.

This has been
the shittest day.

I mean, who gives
a sh*t about Barons?

I mean, I'm barren. I don't
get asked to open airports.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪