02x03 - Coffin

[bunniefuu]

-Clive.
-Yeah.

You know that's fake, right?

Yep.

But it's good to...
keep up the pretence.

To who?

To whom?

-Do you want me to get a tissue?
-You got a tissue, yeah, cos...

I think I've got one
here from yesterday.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪

[phone rings]

Northend Airport, Border Agency,
can I help you?

The border agents at Northend
are trained to handle anything.

I'm sorry, what?

At this morning's briefing
however,

sombre news will put even
their professional capabilities

to the test.

Today, Northend will see
the repatriation

of two deceased citizens -

Henry Brayford
and Norman Richardson.

Their coffins will be received
by their family members.

Needless to say, this is a
time for sobriety and respect.

Do you know how
they d*ed, Linda?

-Is that important?
-It could be interesting.

You know? Maybe one of them
was walking along the beach

-and a coconut fell on
his head and he d*ed. -Yeah!

-Or it was a shark or a bee.
-Yeah.

-Or a fork, or a... -Or, like,
some kind of tropical disease.

Like Zika or bilharzia.

[laughs]

Bill...

Bill Harzia!

[Grant chuckles]
It sounds like a name.

-[Clive and Grant laugh]
-It does sound like a name.

-Er, disease, Bill Harzia.
-"Morning, Bill!"

[laughs] Yeah! "Oh, Mr Harzia,
how's it going?"

"Oh, you're an actor?"

"Yeah. I'm very famous,
actually. I live in America."

[he chuckles]
"Cos I'm Bill Harzia."

Hey, stay out of my blood, Bill.

[Grant] "Oh, the detective,
Bill Harzia." You know?

OK, have you finished?

Thank you.

Obviously, I'm going
to need somebody to

help me at looking
after the relatives

and I thought, Andy,
you might step up for that?

Oh, no, I think it would
be best if it wasn't me.

Great! Thank you very much.
That's it, everyone, back to work.

[Andy] Oh, I'm just not
very good at dealing with

very emotional people. You know,
like, people who are grieving.

Just cos I have trouble
expressing, um...

Er...

You know.

When you...

When you have an emotion,
whatever that's called.

Mr Richardson, I'm so sorry
to hear about your loss.

Under increasing pressure Agent Church
needs to practise having emotions.

-Not convinced. I'm... No.
-What is it?

-What's wrong with it?
-It's very robotic. Try a head tilt.

-I think that, you know...
-Thank you, OK.

[Tariq] Softer side.

Mr Richardson, I'm so sorry
to hear about your loss.

-[laughs]
-It was weird, wasn't it?

Think of someone you've lost.
Dig deep. There's gotta be...

-Lit... My dog d*ed.
-Mm, that's perfect.

-Just think about that and then
combine it with words. -Really?

[false sobs]

[false sobs]

-Er, do you want me to come with you?
-Yeah, that would be great.

-You alright?
-[false sobs]

It's for everyone's benefit that I
don't do the job that I've been asked.

Unless I can use some stock
phrases that I have, which are:

At least they passed away
peacefully in their sleep.

At least they had a good
innings. That's for pets.

And...there are plenty
more fish in the sea.

Sorry, that one's
actually for break-ups,

so I don't know how that's got
in there. You know I can't say,

"There are plenty more
dads in the sea." Could I?!

Could I say that?

No! I couldn't.

The repatriation of the bodies

is not the only life-and-death
issue facing the agents today.

At passport control, Agent Hassler
needs help with an urgent matter.

-Grant, can I ask a favour?
-Er, yeah.

Great. OK, I'm trying to pick
a new ringtone and I just...

-I don't know what I'm doing.
I just can't get it right. -OK.

Yeah, so at the moment
I've got this...

[Big Ben chiming ringtone]

Yeah, so that's what I thought.
And then, like, I've got this...

[old-fashioned motor horn
honks ringtone]

[chuckles]
Do that again.

[old-fashioned motor horn
honks ringtone]

Nah, let me try
and help you out here.

[wind chime ringtone]

-It's very calming.
-Isn't that nice?

The ringtone emergency is
just the tip of the iceberg.

Baggage handlers Mo and Suj have
called Proctor down from the office

to deal with yet
another pressing issue.

Wagwan, fam?

-Can you not do that, please?
-Sorry. What are you doing?

Breathe that in, smell that in.
[coughs]

-That stinks!
-It literally stinks.

Literally honks up in here,
you understand?

You are not supposed to be
doing this. This is not your job.

You're supposed to be delivering the
luggage, not rifling through it.

Me and Suj are the first line
of defence, you understand?

If we're not vigilant, we wouldn't have
stopped that b*mb in the luggage.

Alarm clock.

-Yeah, it was an alarm clock.
-Well, in any case,

can you please stop
rifling through the bags

and just deliver
the luggage? Thank you.

Could have been a b*mb though.
Ah, Procts, Procts!

Before you go, yeah?

We heard on the rumour mill
now, right,

that there might be a little something
coming in somebody's baggage.

Someone might be smuggling something.
What might they be smuggling, Suji?

-Weed?
-Weed.

All you understand now, yeah?

This one time,
some clever guy, you know,

smuggled marijuana

inside a giant sculpture
of marijuana.

And it's like from
Inception and that, innit?

A dream inside a dream,
a weed inside the weed.

Brad Pitt and all them, I big up
them, you know what I'm saying?

Amazing. I went to...

Who you get that teddy from?

It was... It just
came out of the baggage.

Check if there's any weed in it.

Please just deliver
the baggage and no rifling!

She ain't even
appreciative, man.

People are like that, yeah?
Bruv, what is the smell though?

Er, well, I got rid of those two,
so it could be any of these.

[motorbike revving ringtone]

I'm worried that those are only good
because I'm doing the hand stuff.

I'm not gonna always going to be
able to do the hand movements.

Maybe just put it on silent.

No one ever calls me anyway.

Oh, well...

You...

Oh, no!

Hey, Clive, it's, um,
it's Grant here.

Your phone, it goes
straight to answer machine,

so maybe people do call you.

I hope you find a really
good ringtone. OK.

Bye now. It's Grant.

With the imminent arrival
of the first coffin,

the agents start to feel
a little subdued.

Is your dog dying really the saddest
thing that's ever happened to you?

Yeah. How about you?

I was with my grandfather
when he d*ed.

Oh, God, that's awful.

It was a privilege, you know,
to be with someone

for their last moments
of their journey.

It's very spiritual.

-[mumbles inaudibly]
-What?

That's the first stiff arrived.

Oh, OK.

Alright.

Where did you get that?

-It's not from the bereavement
hamper, is it? -Yeah.

As the coffin arrives, even the
normally upbeat baggage handlers

are unusually reflective.

All roads lead to
the same place, innit, Suj?

Yeah, except the B .

That is a very
distasteful joke.

Goes to West Bromwich.

That's a full sh*t joke,
actually. That's gonna go on TV.

If you're gonna do a joke,
do a good one.

-Who's there?
-Not him, he's dead.

As the first grieving relative,
Mr Richardson, arrives

to collect his father's body,

it's a big moment
for Agent Andy Church.

She's going to have to provide
comfort and emotional support

and is extremely worried about
how awkward it might be.

Hi, I'm Andy. And can I just
say how sorry we are for your loss?

Oh, cheers, much appreciated.

And if I could just get a signature?
To acknowledge the receipt of the body.

Sure. Bit weird this,
isn't it, you know?

"Anything to declare?"

"Oh, my dead old man."
There's no box to tick for that.

So, Tariq, we don't actually
go through Customs, do we?

No, no, no, you have
priority exiting privileges.

Andy's gonna take you
the rest of the way.

Well, thank you for your time, Tariq.
Nice doing business with you.

-Just follow me, thanks.
-OK, thanks.

-Where exactly is he?
-He's in baggage handling.

-He doesn't come through the carousel,
does he? -No, we turn it off.

-We don't do that anymore.
-OK.

At baggage handling,
Mr Richardson continues

to take the difficult
situation all in his stride.

My poor old man, eh? Drowned.

So, at least he d*ed
doing what he loved.

Swimming, was it?

No, having a bath. [laughs]
I'm pulling your leg, darling!

I mean, you've gotta laugh
or you cry, eh?

Yeah, that went OK, actually.

Yeah. I mean, maybe...

um, maybe I'm not
that bad at emotions.

Never one to stand on ceremony,
my old man.

OK, cheers.
Thanks for your help, boys.

That was... That was fine.

-Yeah, it was good.
-Yeah.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realise
you were, um...praying?

No, like...
It's respect, innit?

Oh, sorry. I've not heard
of that one before. Sorry.

Can't believe you do crochet,
bro. Crochet is like for girls.

-Anyone can do it.
-Are you sure? Aagh!

-Ooh!
-Badilampudi!

-What are you doing?
-Why would you do that?

I was going to scare you guys
but then I fell asleep.

f*cking guy.
Don't do that again!

It's a sombre day
at Northend Airport,

as not one but two deceased British
citizens are to be repatriated.

Agent Andy Church
has been given the job

of liaising with the
grieving relatives.

And, after the first attempt
went surprisingly smoothly,

she's approaching the second one

with new-found, if possibly
misplaced, confidence.

I actually experienced
a bereavement myself once.

Um...

My dog.

I'm...so sorry for your loss.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, he was , so, you know,
he'd had a good innings.

Ah! Well, my dad loved cricket.

Tariq actually experienced
bereavement as well.

His grandfather d*ed
and he was with him.

You were...

-You were there?
-Yeah.

I wasn't there for my dad.

I never got to say goodbye.

-Tissue?
-Oh, thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Outside at baggage handling,

as the body of her father
slowly emerges,

Valerie Brayford
is overcome with grief.

The Northend staff do all
they can to ease her pain.

Shall we take the coffin
to the coffin car for you?

No, erm, could I...

Erm, could I see him?

I know it's a bit... I just...
It's the last chance I'll get.

Of course, if that's what you
want, then I don't see why not.

[Mo] Very, very good idea, yeah.

The way we do it is, like,
the family sees the face

and it provides real
closure and that, yeah.

You don't wanna be repressive
like them olden-day white people.

-What they called?
-Like the Victorians.

Victorians, come on.

Well, we could all learn
so much from Hinduism.

Come on.

With utmost care
and reverence,

Mo and Suj carefully
open the Brayford coffin.

Um, yeah.

[Mo] Hoo!

Your dad like
a little smoke, did he?

No! No, no, no, no!
He was a vicar.

Vicar of where? Smokeyville?

-[Valerie sobs]
-Unbelievable that.

Oh, she's crying and that,
really.

-No, don't give her that.
-No.

What do you mean
there isn't a body?

On the plus side we have
a major cannabis bust.

Is Miss Brayford secured?

Oh, no, no, no,
it's not Miss Brayford.

-Definitely not Miss Brayford.
-She asked to open the coffin.

Great defence! "It couldn't be
my client, You Honour,

because she asked
to open the coffin,

which means she can't possibly
be trying to smuggle dr*gs."

Yeah, that's exactly
what that means.

And after meeting Mr Richardson,
we're confident that...

Hang on, that means that
Mr Richardson has the Brayford body!

-That's what we're saying, yeah.
-Oh, sh*t! Right!

Get the CCTV, get the numberplate
and inform the police!

OK. Someone's been watching
Prime Suspect.

Down at baggage handling...

She hasn't got indigestion.
Her dad's dead, alright?

..despite the best efforts
of the staff,

Valerie Brayford
remains inconsolable.

Don't worry, your dad's
in a better place now.

Where?

In the clouds
smoking that Mary Jane.

She now faces a long, anxious
wait till the team manage

to locate her father's body.

One of the agents needs
to keep her company,

but as they're all busy,
and none of them want to,

Proctor has to send in
her last, desperate resort.

-Hi.
-Agent Clive Hassler.

A nice...cup of tea.

Some biscuits.

That's on us,
on the house. Erm...

Erm...

-Oh!
-Nice cup of tea.

-I'll pour you a nice cup.
-I'm sorry. I don't...

It's just been such a weird day.

I mean, I certainly never
thought this would happen.

Me neither.

So, erm...

What happens next?

Er...

I... I don't know.

What do you...

want to happen?

-Well, I'd like to find my dad.
-Yes.

Yes.

Do you know how he d*ed?

Just... You don't have to say.

No, it was...

It was a massive su1c1de.

Just gonna have one of these.

Back at baggage handling,
Proctor is letting her staff know

that she's a little
disappointed.

"We've got this, Proc,"
you said.

"We're the first line of defence
in this airport," you said.

And then what?!

You gave the wrong bloody
body to a drug dealer!

Why didn't you even look?

I mean, you said no rifling.

Yeah, no rifling but you could
have at least glanced in.

Next time, do me
a favour and check.

-What in the coffins?
-Yes, in the coffins!

-All the coffins?
-[shouts] All of the coffins!!!

Just look in them all!!

-Urns?
-What do you think?!!!

Upstairs, Agent Hassler appears
to have been an unlikely success

in comforting the grieving
Valerie Brayford,

even if his methods
are somewhat unorthodox.

[tuneful ringtone]

[tuneful ringtone]

[quacking ringtone]

I think that's the one.

Eventually, Proctor
is relieved to announce

the investigation
is progressing nicely.

So we've found
the Brayford body.

Police caught Mr Richardson on
the way to West Bromwich, B .

Coffin was mislabelled.
Cock-up at the Spanish end.

-Probably deliberate. [laughs]
-Why?

-They hate us.
-Do they?

Everyone hates us.

So I'm going to give
Valerie the good news.

I should tell her,
we have a special connection.

It's OK, Clive, I've got this.

-Honestly, you don't have
to worry yourself. -Clive!

-I can do it!
-I've...

-Good news!
-We found your dad!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Thank you!

Thank you.

Under strict instructions
from above,

Mo and Suj carefully
check the coffin

to make sure it contains
a dead Mr Brayford.

Oh! That's the dead guy.
Leave it!

-It does.
-Leave it!

-Goes to show though,
doesn't it? -What?

You shouldn't leave anything
unsaid in case you die suddenly.

-Let's go and pick him up.
-Love you, innit?

-Yeah, alright.
-Just this way.

Sensitive to the fact that
Valerie Brayford has had

a long, traumatic day, Mo and
Suj cleverly improvise a way

to transport the coffin
to the waiting car

as quickly and
smoothly as possible.

Finally, Valerie and her father
can head home with dignity.

So, where are you off to
now? Have you got far to go?

Derby.

That's not too bad.
You should b*at the rush.

As Valerie and Proctor make
their sombre way to the car,

the rest of the agents
can head home reflecting

on a long and difficult day.

Sort of brings it home,
doesn't it?

-What?
-You know, just life.

-Could be over any second.
-Yeah.

Don't have any regrets.
That's what my granddad told me.

Yeah, what is it they say?
Don't regret the things you have done,

regret the things
you haven't done.

[Grant laughs]

Bill Hazier.

[chuckles] Bill Hazier.

-It's just been in...
-OK, night.

Tickling me.
See you later.

-Bye.
-[Grant chuckles]

-Bill Hazier.
-[Tariq and Grant laugh]

That's good.

[laughs] See you later, Tariq.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Bill Hazier.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪