02x21 - Clark's Big Surprise

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Dr. Ken". Aired: October 2015 - March 2017.*
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"Dr. Ken" chronicles the daily life of a brilliant physician who tries to balance his career with his family life, which can be difficult on both fronts, especially with having a therapist for a wife.
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02x21 - Clark's Big Surprise

Post by bunniefuu »

Great news.

I just got us tickets
to "The Bodyguard."

Mom, I know you're a little
pop-culture challenged,

but that's not in theaters anymore.

No, not the movie... the musical.

At the Pantages.

That's nice of you, but why?

We don't do enough things
together as a family.

I begged you to let me
choreograph something

for all of us.

Look, I thought seeing "The Bodyguard"

would be a fun thing to do together,

- just the four of us.
- Good call.

I love "The Bodyguard."

Just the five of us.

Will everyone please stop yelling?

I mean...

I'm sorry.

My open mic went pretty late last night,

so I didn't get much sleep.

I k*lled, by the way.

Oh, that's right.

Getting back in the
comedy game, huh, Dad?

Yeah, well, I mean,
don't call it a comeback.

I've been here for years.

Wait.

Aren't Clark and Connor
having a thing tomorrow?

Yeah, but it's casual.

I'm sure we can miss it.

It's definitely not something
we need to drag the kids to.

Oh, please.

Clark and Connor would understand.

It's "The Bodyguard."

Hey, everybody, listen.
Quick reminder...

our barbecue is this weekend,

so Connor and I need
to get a head count.

No big deal, should be super chill.

You know what, Clark,
we're not gonna make it.

Pat's taking me out of town.

No! No, you can't.

Ah, sorry to miss it,

but the lovely isle of
Santa Catalina calls.

Can't you go another weekend?

Afraid not.

No, this is mating season
for their world-famous bison.

And the hotel's room
deposit is non-refundable,

and I'm almost comedically cheap.

Okay, please, please, please,

tell me you guys are gonna be there.

Um, quick question...

- will this be a vegan barbecue?
- Obviously.

v*olence begins with the fork. Why?

No reason.

I see you.

- I see him do...
- We actually do have plans.

We're all gonna see "The Bodyguard"

- at the Pantages.
- [Scoffs]

Can't you go see that
some other weekend?

We already bought tickets,

and the kids and D.K. are going, so...

Well, our barbecue is family-friendly,

so D.K. and the kids
are more than welcome.

I guess I can see if there's some way

to dump off the tickets, but I...

Great, you're in. This
is a verbal contract.

I will see you tomorrow.

- I said I would try.
- Fine!

Listen, sweetie,

I am just as freaked out as you are,

but Pat and Damona
are going to Catalina.

Yes, Connor, they know about the bison.

Well, yeah, because no one
knows it's our surprise wedding.

Ken: Oh... my... God.

I have to go.

Ken.

Nope.

How much did you hear?

And why do you sleep
with your head covered?

I didn't hear anything.

And my nose gets cold.

You guys are actually doing it?

We're doing it.

[Squealing, laughter]

- I am so happy for you.
- Yeah, thanks,

- except it's gonna be this total disaster.
- Oh, no.

You'll hear that a lot, but
marriage has its moments.

No.

Th-the wedding... no
one's even gonna show up.

Well, maybe if you told people.

No. no, no, no. It has to be a surprise.

When Connor and I went to
our friends' surprise wedding,

it was just... it was
so lovely and amazing

to watch the joy on their guests' faces

when they realized what was happening.

We just... we decided

that's how we wanted to get married.

- That sounds beautiful, but...
- Yeah.

But you understand you won't
be getting any gifts, right?

Oh, no, am I on the hook
for a gift now that I know?

No. We don't care about gifts.

We just want our friends to be there.

[Laughing] Then why'd you
call it a vegan barbecue?

[Laughs mockingly]

Oh, hey.

Now that you know, maybe... maybe...

do you think that you could
convince people to come?

You got it, buddy. Consider it done.

But you can't tell
anyone, not even Allison.

Please, we barely even talk anymore.

Oh, hey, guys.

So I think I'm gonna drop in
on Clark's thing after all.

[Chuckles]

Oh, hey, maybe you should, too.

No, we told you we're
gonna be in Catalina.

Yeah.

Just an hour ago, you
weren't going either.

Well, yeah, that's
the exhaustion talking.

I mean, it's hard to come
down from such an epic set.

[Chuckles]

But, you know, Clark's a friend,

and, you know, we
should be there for him.

You know, to be there.

For him.

Yeah, it's just this
hotel's cancellation policy

is really strict,

especially when you
book the honeymoon suite.

[Gasps] Pat!

Ah, that was meant to be a surprise.

Oh! Pat, that is so nice.

Well, it was the only room available.

Damn! I was gonna keep that to myself.

Okay, look, guys.

Trust me... you do
not want to miss this.

I mean, not that
anything's gonna happen,

but if it did,

you'd never forgive yourselves.

Are Clark and Connor getting married?

- [Squeals]
- What?!

No! No, of course not! No!

You know what?

I overheard Clark

talking to somebody about
officiating something.

Well, that had absolutely nothing to do

with Clark and Connor.

Oh.

Okay, well, if not them, then...

Are you and Allison renewing your vows?

Yes.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

I'm like % psychic.

I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, my God.

Well, why are you
being so weird about it?

Wait a minute.

Are you secretly not married?

I mean, have you been living
in sin all these years?

Oh, your poor illegitimate children.

No!

Pat, we're just renewing our vows.

Why?

Because they expired and went bad?

I've been there.

Look, you can't tell Allison.

I'm surprising her.

And you can't tell Clark I told you.

Well, why would Clark care?

You know, I mean, Clark's really into

this whole thing being a surprise.

You know, so keep your
big mouth shut, you two.

[Laughs]

[Squeals]

- Oh, my God!
- [Laughs]

Night, Damona.

See you Monday.

You mean I'll see you tomorrow
at Clark's barbecue, right?

Yeah, I thought about it,
and we're gonna skip it.

We're all really excited
to see "The Bodyguard."

At least, D.K. is.

Um, does Ken know you're not going?

We haven't talked about
it since this morning,

but I don't think he'll care.

Okay, um...

Sp, um, you... you know,

we had cancelled our plans

because it's really, really
important to be there.

- Oh, that's nice of you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Anyway, have fun.
- Wait, wait!

Wait, wait, listen.

You got to be there.

Okay.

Don't tell Ken I told you,

but he's planning a
vow renewal ceremony.

He is? Oh, my God!

Yes, and it's a surprise,

so please don't tell Ken I told you.

No, I won't... I won't say a word.

Oh.

You know, I...

I pretty much stopped

expecting anything romantic out of Ken.

Especially the way he
m*nled Valentine's Day.

I figured we'd just
live out our golden years

as good married friends.

Boy, was I wrong.

[Squeals]

Hey, got a sec?

Of course, sweetheart.

Hey, you don't have to be sarcastic.

Look, I thought it over,

and I think it's important for us

to go to Clark's barbecue.

I'm already one step ahead of you.

I already dumped "The
Bodyguard" tickets.

[Laughing] Wow. That was easy.

Well, I sensed it was important to you,

and, as my husband of years,

if it's important to you,

it's important to me.

Hey, I just combed that.

Oh, and I got the kids
and D.K. to go, too,

so, you know, we'll all be there.

Huh. Papa, too.

Mm, okay.

Ken, I just love you so much.

Cool.

Maybe later I can show you how much.

Eh, you're coming to the barbecue.

That's good enough. [Laughs]

Wow. This place looks amazing.

Your dad really out-did himself.

D.K.: It's okay.

Not worth missing "The Bodyguard."

Dave: Grandpa, have you ever considered

just seeing it on another day?

I don't need you to solve this, Dave,

just be there for me.

[Groans]

Pat: Ah.

Damona: Hey.

Hey, lovebirds.

- Hey.
- So glad you could make it.

I had no idea you were coming.

So wonderful to have you here.

Yeah, I just... just wish
it wasn't so expensive.

He's just mad because the hotel's
being funny with our deposit.

Yeah.

- [Cellphone vibrates]
- Oh. Mm.

Well...

Ah, speak of the devils.

I'll give them a piece of my mind.

Hello.

No, you listen to me. What?

No, I'd be happy to hold.

Pat M.: ♪ Play that song ♪

♪ The one that makes
me go all night long ♪

- ♪ The one that makes me think of you ♪
- Oh, they even got music.

Allison, check it out... blink- !

[Chuckles] I know.

Pat M.: ♪ That's all you gotta do ♪

- Who?
- I don't know.

I thought they were the
guys who play outside

the -Eleven on Moorpark.

Pat M: ♪ Hey ♪

Hey, hi. Oh, so pretty.

Can we steal Ken for just a second?

Oh, yeah.

Bring him back. I need him.

Okay, we have a bit of an emergency.

Our friend Shelly was gonna officiate,

- but she can't make it.
- Yeah, she's down with the flu,

and now we don't know what to do.

Oh, I'd say liquids, rest...

Ken!

Sorry. I, um...

I'll officiate.

Oh, um, uh...

[Babbles]

But you have to, like,
get ordained online.

- How long does it take?
- minutes.

Give me a laptop and a Coke Zero,

and I can do it in .

All right.

Well, thanks anyway.

Well, looks like

we're gonna have to
eat that hotel deposit.

Unh-unh. I do not eat deposits.

Hi.

Hi, Tanya.

You just talked to my
boyfriend, Pat Hein.

[Chuckles]

Uh-huh.

No, I know, but...

God, I would hate to have
to call the L.A. Times

and tell them about your
bedbugs and your shower rats.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

I just got us credit.

We can use it anytime we want.

Uh, I'm not so sure
I still want to go...


I mean, what, with the shower rats.

Hi.

I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so glad I'm here, too.

Wait.

Do you know?

I do. Are you mad?

Oh, I could never be mad on this day.

This is so much better
than "The Bodyguard."

That's what I was trying to tell you.

[Chuckles]

Thank you.

Um, if I could have
everyone's attention.

We've got a little surprise.

Is it meat?

Better.

The real reason we're
here today is because...

Clark and Connor are getting married.

[All gasp, cheer]

So everyone fill your glasses.

We're gonna start in about five minutes.

[Indistinct conversations]

Damona: Oh, my God.

Allison, I feel horrible.

Ken must have said

you were renewing your
vows just to get us here.

No, no, no. It's fine.

I'm... I'm just happy
for Clark and Connor.

Are you sure? You're good?

[Laughing] Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah...

Yeah.

Okay, 'cause you just said
"yeah" a whole lot of times.

[Sighs] Yeah.

♪ Me, babe ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ If I ever get the nerve
to say hello in this café ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

[Cheers and applause]

blink- , everybody.

He's from Train.

And he's one of Connor's best friends.

Read the program.

As a married man,

I look back and remember

how daunting the prospect
of finding a spouse was.

Was there really such
a thing as a soul mate?

I mean, for me, that
question was answered

the moment I first met my wife, Allison.

You know, it's more than love.

Allison fills me up

and is the missing piece to my puzzle.

She confirmed that soul mates were real

and that she was mine.

And it's clear to everybody

that Clark and Connor are soul mates.

Now I believe the grooms have
some vows they'd like to share.

[Chuckles]

Connor.

My dearest Clark...

I have loved you long
before I ever met you

because the idea of
you lived in my heart.

And I vow the following...

to love and cherish you....

to stop leaving my used ice
cream bowls in the sink...

[Chuckles]

and to not tune out when you rant about

what Ken did that day at work.

It's a different Ken.

Oh.

Clark.

[Clears throat]

Connor...

growing up as a gay kid,

I just never thought this
moment would be possible.

But here we are.

And though this is a celebration,

I can't help but think of all the people

who still have to be afraid
to just be who they are,

to just love.

And so...

I vow that my love
for you will be so big

that it will give us the strength

to never stop fighting for what's right.

Also, I vow that every morning,

when I get up, hours
and hours before you do,

and see your used ice
cream bowl in the sink,

not even soaking...

[Laughter]

I will resent you.

But I will rinse it and
put it in the dishwasher.

We totally wrote that part separately.

[Laughter]

[Laughs]

Um, so without further ado,

by the power vested in me
by the course I took online,

which I finished in minutes,

I now pronounce you

loving husbands and partners for life.

You may kiss.

[Cheers and applause]

Ahh! Yes!

[Cheers and applause continues]

Clark: Hi!

[Squeals] So happy for you guys!

Congratulations.

That was an amazing surprise.

Thank you guys.

And we just learned

that you guys have no honeymoon plans.

Yeah, no, we really
didn't plan anything,

just the wedding.

Well, we have a gift
that might change that.

Oh, no, no. We don't want any gifts.

Well, let's hear them out.

You're going to Catalina Island, on us.

- [Laughs]
- You guys, this is too much.

- I don't know what to say.
- I do!

I've been wanting to
see those wild buffalo

- my whole life.
- Oh, my God.

Truly, thank you.

Oh, Clarky, you're so
welcome, and so are you.

- Oh! Oh.
- Clark: Mwah!

Hey.

Oh, that was such a sweet idea.

Yeah, well, you know,

you got to have a honeymoon, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, Tiffany and I...

we put ours off, you know?

Then years passed,

and by the time it finally came out

that she never loved me

and no longer wanted to be with me,

two weeks in a tent together
just seemed less appealing.

[Laughs]

You always make me laugh.

Yeah.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah, Damona.

I-I'm aware that what
I'm about to declare

could be relationship dynamite.

But as a man who says what he feels...

I love you.

Ah.

Yeah, I've never been less irked

to be beaten to the punch before.

- Oh, and I love you.
- Okay.

[Exhales sharply] I got to say,

- this was totally stressful...
- Connor: [Sighs]

and absolutely perfect.

Yep.

We really did it.

You're my husband.

And always will be.

You did an amazing job up there.

Thanks.

I meant every word,

especially the stuff about you.

I was so touched by what you said.

There's no way you could top that.

Mm, I'm not so sure.

Ken, please no popping and/or locking.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Just one pop and lock?

No.

I can feel you doing it.

Hey.

I'm so glad we got to see
Clark and Connor get married.

And we got to do something
together as family,

just like you wanted.

You're right.

It was the perfect night.

But it's not quite over.

You know how you said

I couldn't top what I did before?

- [Gasps]
- Let's renew our vows.

Isn't this awesome, Mom?

It is.

But who's gonna officiate?

Me.

I just got ordained.

minutes.

And it's catered, too.

- Thank God. I'm so hungry.
- D.K.: Not yet.

Ceremony first.

Start with music.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Train.

Man, we got to get new management.

♪ And marry me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ Marry me ♪

- ♪ Today and every ♪...
- ♪ Today and every day ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ If I ever get the nerve
to say hello in this café ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Marry me ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪
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