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03x03 - Cryogenics, Lightning, Last Review

Posted: 11/13/21 08:06
by bunniefuu
It's literally all we have.

But is it any good?
I'm a reviewer.

But I don't review food,
books, or movies.

I review life itself.


♪ b*mb brass section♪


Hello, and welcome to another
episode of "Review,"

television's only show,
as far as I'm concerned,

and certainly the only
one anybody needs.

A.J., I'm ready
for my next review.


It's an e-mail
from Wally in Chicago, Illinois.

- Chicago.
- He writes,

"The first I heard of cryogenics

was when Walt Disney had himself
put on ice after he d*ed.

But now I see it everywhere.

Can you review



[Chuckles] Okay.

[Clears throat]
Cryogenics, that's, uh...


That's being frozen.

If it was me, I wouldn't do it.

Ah, yes.

Well, it isn't you.

And I do whatever
is asked of me,

- no matter what that is.
- You really do.

So, Wally, you'd like to know
what cryogenics is like.


Let's find out.

A.J: Oh, my God.

Forrest: Oh, boy.

My initial research
into cryogenic freezing

revealed the alarming enormity
of this request.

Here's the problem.
Uh, it's not currently possible

to thaw out a frozen person
and bring them back to life.

And nobody knows
when it will be.

They did it
for "Captain America."

- Did they?
- [Both] Yeah.

But he's a cartoon character.

Forrest: How could this be?
Oh, my God!

Was I really going
to be frozen to death

and left like that
for centuries?

That was inconceivable.

But then again,
this show had brought me

to the brink of death so often.

I will end you!

I'm definitely gonna die.

Oh, God.
I'm gonna die!

Oh, my God!

[Shouting and screaming]


Perhaps it was just
a matter of time before "Review"

actually stopped my heart,
possibly forever.

- What's the matter now?
- Oh, boy.

He agreed to be
cryogenically frozen.

- Now he's having a whole thing.
- I don't even understand this.

I mean, would anybody
even do this to me?

They will.

- Are you serious?
- I'll make an appointment.

Josh: Jesus.

That night, as I struggled

with the insanity
of this review,

I considered that this show had
always miraculously spared me

so that I could go
on living life

in order to review it.

And I prayed my show
would save me again.

I wrote letters to my wife
and son,

which I entrusted
to my intern for delivery.

Good-bye, Mr. MacNeil.

I'll try to live
as long as I can

so I can help you out
in the future.

I would like that.

I arrived for my cryogenics
appointment in a fearful daze.

Hi, I'm Forrest MacNeil.

[Broken voice] And I'm here to be
cryogenically frozen.

You're all set.

Upon reviewing this footage,

it became clear that I had
missed important clues

as to what was really going
on at this facility.

- Woman: This way.
- How I wish I had read that sign.

No doubt, it would have done
much to alleviate my fear.

I've left instructions that,
when I am thawed out,

the show will continue

so that I can review
being frozen,

to live again in the future.

- I'm ready!
- Great.

[Air hissing]

Farewell to the early
st century life

of Forrest MacNeil,
reviewer of life!

[Coughing] Oh!

Asking my crew to wait aeons

for my rebirth seemed unfair.

So I had instructed them
to leave once my journey began.

I am sorry to say that
the overwhelming terror

of being enveloped
in below-freezing temperatures

caused me to lose consciousness.



Which may explain why I left
that chamber certain

that I had been suspended
in ice for centuries.

I was astounded to be alive.

Oh, my God.


Still foggy from
my time in the ice,

I stumbled out into
the unknown word of tomorrow.

♪ Strings playing♪

My clothes, fashionable
when I bought them,

now seemed totally out of place.

What's worse, in my own time,

I was highly proficient
with technology.

But now, I feared
I would surely be lost.

How is that possible?

Remind me to call Francois.

Female voice: Okay.
I'll remind you.

Forrest: And as I tuned into
the conversations around me,

though the words were
being spoken in English,

I no longer recognized
my language.

It's basically
a meme aggregator.

I read about it on
the TIL subreddit,

a lot of uploads.

"How," I wondered, "Would I ever
find a way to function

in this strange, new world?"

And then, I was struck
by the horrible realization

that the love of my life
and our darling son

had lived out years
of their lives without me.

Why had I abandoned them

forever to review
this experience?

What a tragic mistake.

Perhaps they were still alive.

Maybe I could find them
and be with them again.

Oh, my God.


You look just like
someone I used to know.

What are you...

Mr. MacNeil,
what are you talking about?

- Josh?
- Yeah.

I just dropped off the letters
like you asked me to.

How long have I been gone?

Um, zero hours and minutes.

- I've just been gone for minutes?
- Yeah.

Oh! Ha!
Are you serious?

- Yeah.
- Forrest: This experience

was clearly not what
I had thought it was.

That means Suzanne and Eric
are still alive, right?

I just saw 'em, so probably.

And yet, my journey
through cryogenics

had brought me to a new
and different place.

- Forrest, what is this?
- Forget it, never mind.

That's nothing.
I didn't do it. Forget it.

- You didn't do it?
- No, I didn't do it.

- You refused a review?
- Well, uh, no.

I went to this cryogenics place
in the strip mall.

But I guess I was just
frozen for a few minutes.

The cryo-freeze place?

But my mom got a coupon
there for a skin treatment.

You thought they were
gonna freeze you to death?

- Yeah.
- And you were gonna do it

for some stupid [bleep] review?

I was, okay.

- Good-bye, Forrest.
- No, no, no, no!

This is important!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I realized something
when I thought that you

and Eric had been d*ad
for a thousand years.

- Forrest...
- I... No, I realized

that you're right, okay?

There is nothing that I could

possibly have shared
with the world

about being frozen that
would have been worth

never seeing the two
of you again, nothing.

And it feels so great
to realize that, okay?


You know, Forrest,

I want you to remember
this feeling.

And I want you to think
really carefully about Th...

About this.

You understand?


- Take these.
- I will take it, yes.


Whole-body cryotherapy
is a new fitness

and/or beauty trend,

which, by the way,
has no proven benefits.

It doesn't involve
being suspended in time

for hundreds of years.

I give cryogenics two stars.

Darnell from
Sandy Springs, Georgia.


He writes, "My uncle
was struck by lightning,

and he's never been able
to tell us what it was like

because he doesn't
understand words anymore.

What's it like to be
struck by lightning?"

Oh, boy. Uh...

Darnell, thank you
for trusting me

with this very
important question.

What is it like
to be struck by lightning?

Forrest, what are you doing?

Forrest: This was
a good question,

especially in light of my
cryogenics experience.

Wow, okay.
But that review lead

to an encouraging conversation
with my ex-wife.

Who knew what being struck
by lightning might bring?

There is a % chance

that someone who is struck
by lightning will survive.

But that is less than %.

And so I have decided
to send letters

to Suzanne and Eric

just in case.

Mm. hmm-hmm.

"I will be frozen to death."
No, I won't.

The rest applies.

There is a % chance
that I won't see you again.

I hope you feel that I've been
as good a boss...

[Thunder crashing]

My staff and I traveled
to El Mirage, Arizona,

the nearest town
with a storm watch in effect.

We had a very
smart plan in place.

We've tied together
three telescoping flagpoles,

giving us feet of aluminum

stretching way up
into the heavens.

It's the highest object
around for a long ways,

and I am tied to it
with copper wire.

You only have about
a one-in-a-million chance

of getting struck by lightning.

But then again, that statistic
only applies to people

who are not actively
trying to get struck

by lightning, which I am!

minutes later,
I had had no luck.

- I think the worst part of it is over.
- Yeah.

Hey, where was that storm
for tomorrow night?

Uh, Houston.

Houston, Texas.

Well, we may be racking up

the frequent flyer miles
on this one, but...

[Thunder crashes]

Oh, my God!
Mr. MacNeil!

Hold on!

Amazingly, I had done it.

As my body convulsed with pain,

it was clear that
I was being k*lled by lightning.

Josh: Oh, my God!

[Electricity crackles]

Ow! Ow!

Oh, my God!


In what I believed were
my final moments on Earth,

I thought of my family
and of my skeleton,

which may have been on f*re.

Darnell, your uncle's experience

of being struck
by lightning was terrible.

While I regret the loss
of my sense of smell,

which I really hope
is temporary,

and I'm very saddened
by the many broken bones

suffered by my intern, Josh,
that demonstration

of nature's power
was very inspiring to me.

So all in all,

I give being struck by lightning

two and a half stars.

All right, A.J.
What's next, please?

Sometimes it's really tough
to press this button, Forrest.

Well, I believe in you, A.J.
You can do it.

The next request
comes to us from Suzanne

in Los Angeles, California.

Hey, whoa, wait a minute.

I'm recording this right
after you wrote me

that you were trying
to get struck by lightning.

If you're seeing this,
it means you're still alive

and there's still time for me

to do what I feel
like I have to do.

I have a review request.

What's it like to spend
the rest of your life

not reviewing anything?

Just do your job
and see what that's like.

And be a part
of your son's life.

But, Forrest,
I want to be clear.

If you do not do this request,

you will never see me
or Eric again.

Okay, you're welcome.

A.J: Oh, my God.


Forrest, I can't believe it.

I can't believe that either.

I guess this is
the end of "Review."

I think it may be
the end of "Review."

Look what she did for me there.
[Laughs] That's...

That's love.

That is love.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, ah...

a very interesting
turn of events,

I would have to say.


Uh, the woman I married

has just stepped
in to extricate me from,

um, my rather extreme job.

Wow. [Sighs]

What is it like to spend
the rest of my life

not reviewing anything?

I'm gonna walk out that door
and have

that experience.

♪ Piano melodramatic♪

Uh, but before I do,

I think I need to have
a quick conversation

with our producer, Grant.

I don't know. Forrest, I don't
think you need to do that.

No, of course, I need to.
You know, I mean,

he obviously gives me so much
great advice in general.

I don't want to just go
out there and do this

without talking to Grant.

Grant, are you here, Grant?

- Yes.
- Oh, hi.

I don't know if you saw that.

- But, uh...
- [Chuckles] Remarkable, huh?


This is how it ends?
I love it.

- You do?
- I do.

I mean, you could veto it.
The veto booth is right there.

But why would you?

Forrest, you can go
back to your family.

I mean, part of me will be sad

because your reviews have been
phenomenal this season.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

When they told me
I would never walk again,

I said, "You know what?
That's nothing,

because I saw a man run
into the arms of death,

and he was spared
by a miracle to do great

and crucial work
in the world."

- Wow.
- Am I curious about

what reviews Forrest MacNeil
would do in the future

if you veto this?
Of course.

Would you eventually do a review

that would blow all your other
work out of the water?

Of course.

But seriously, go, please.

Spend a couple of good years

hanging out with your boy
before he goes to college...

and then doesn't want to
see you anymore.


- Right.
- Yeah.

Or you could make him
proud of you

for the rest of his life.

I guess that's the choice.


It's a hard one.

Do you think I have
work left to do?

Only you can
answer that, Forrest.


[Clears throat] Okay.

A.J., I will now
veto this review!

- No!
- Yes.

Forrest, wait!
Grant, initiate the protocol.

Grant: Are you certain you wish
to veto this review?

Yes, I am.

Grant: Are you certain you wish
to veto this review?

Yes, I am.

Grant: Are you certain you wish
to veto this review?

Yes, I am.

You may veto this review.

Thank you, Grant.

Spending the rest of your life
not reviewing anything...



What a horrible decision
to have to make, good Lord.

But it had to be done

because I was put on
the Earth to do this.

So, Suzanne, if you're watching,

first of all, thank you.

Uh, but listen, not all the
reviews are life-threatening.

So everything's gonna be fine.

Okay, A.J.,
what's my next review?

I don't feel like it.

You don't feel like it?
What do you mean you don't...

We've got time
for another review.

You forget that
I have done your job.

I know how to use
your information pad.

Look at this.
See that?

Ah. [Chuckles]
I can do... Okay.

It's a webcam
from Phil in Melbourne.

Hey, Forrest, how come
you've never reviewed

being h*t by a car?

It's weird.

Anyway, what's it
like to be pranked?

Oh, see that?
Look at that.

You were so afraid.

That's a great one.

It looks like April Fools' has
come a bit early this year.

What do you think of that?


Ah, well, here
I go to get pranked.

This should be a fun one, right?

Forrest: At first,
being pranked appeared

to be just the assignment
I needed after

the emotionally exhausting experience

of vetoing
my ex-wife's request.

But then I realized that
since I can't prank myself,

this had the potential
to be uniquely challenging.

- Hi.
- Hello, Grant.

Well, I should talk
to you about something.

This is very difficult
in light of recent events,

but I'm just gonna
cut to the chase

and tell you
what I just learned.

What is it?

"Review" has, uh, been canceled.


Did you just tell me
that "Review" has been canceled?

Afraid so.

Forrest: No. That can't be true.
No, Grant, Grant.



I know.

They can't do that.
Nobody can do that.

You can't do...
You don't do that.

You can't do that, Grant!

Hey, listen to me.

What you are saying
now cannot happen.

[Bleep] no!
Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- I wish I were.
- I just [bleep] vetoed

that thing from Suzanne
trying to get me out of there

because you [bleep] told me to!

[Bleep] no!
Get back on the [bleep] phone,

and you tell them, "No.

If you do this, the host
will [bleep] k*ll himself.

We're doing more of this.
Absolutely not."

I'm in the middle
of a review right now.

I mean, we're in the middle
of doing this.

[Laughing] We're in
the middle of doing it.


Grant's prank was a true
masterpiece of the form.

Grant, that was...

- That was a little too good.
- Oh.

The most impressive thing
about it was that it took me,

a man who was waiting
to be pranked,

completely by surprise.

I know that you're doing

a segment
on being pranked right now.

But this is actually real.

Why would they cancel "Review"?
I feel like an idiot.

Well, it's the ratings.
They're really bad.

Haven't you noticed how few
questions we've been getting?

You're still doing it?

Your ex-wife
asked a question.

That's how few submissions
we're getting.


I want you to know that I did
not take this lying down.


Even though they're
bumping me upstairs

to be a vice-president
of the network,

I fought for you.

I guess people just didn't care
for the show as much as we did.

You really thought
it through, too.

My God.
Thank you.



This is a very nice touch.
Oh, my God.

The best pranks
involve multiple people

bolstering one another's
ridiculous deceptions.

- Hello.
- Tina: Hi.

And this was
a truly great prank.

Oh, boy.
We're really sorry.

About what?

About the show getting canceled.

Ah, yes.
Poor "Review" getting canceled.

What will become
of the two of you?

Well, A.J. got a new show.

- It's a travel show.
- Oh.

Yeah. So she's gonna
actually take us with her

and take us around the world.

And she's going to pay us.

- Yes, got it.
- It's kind of amazing.

Yes, that is.
That is.

I don't want to go
around the world.

I don't want to get paid.

I just want to work
for Mr. MacNeil.


Forrest: Josh endured what must
have been excruciating pain

for the purpose of this joke.

And for that, I salute him.

- What are you doing?
- I think he's trying to hug you.

As you would in the case

of a cancellation
of the show, yes.

I love you more than my dad.

Okay, best male
intern in a drama.


Forrest: My staff had impressed me
in innumerable ways.

But their dedication
to helping me

with my review of being pranked
was unprecedented...

Here we go.
And totally wonderful.

Have you got a farewell speech
for me, Lucy?


Thank you.

This is actually
the easiest job I've ever had.

Is that right?

Yeah. I've written three
erotic novels

under the name
Beverly LaFontaine

if you want to check 'em out.

Thank you for
letting me know that.

We'll have to find more
for you to do in the future.

Oh, you're in denial.

This should make this
go smoother.

I am not
a very sentimental person,

but, um...

I'm glad you got out
of this dumb show alive.

Mmm, yes.

She's really leaving.


Three days into this prank,

I began to wonder just
how far this conspiracy

of silliness extended.

Had my ex-wife and son been
roped into the fun, as well?

But there was no way of knowing,

because when I stopped
by their house,

no one was home.

As the week came to a close,
this prank revealed itself

to be fantastically elaborate.

Uh. Oh, God.


This just goes on and on and on.


"Now you can review
what it's like to be pranked.

Love, Josh and Tina."

That's a bit of a hat on a hat.

But Josh and Tina were right.

I could certainly review
what it was like to be pranked.

And it keeps getting better
because look who's not here...

A.J. Gibbs.
She's also playing along,

off to do her
travel show, I guess.

Ah, it is a total delight

to see everyone in my world

working together to improvise
a kind of a comic play.

Though I did feel
a bit foolish at first,

I mostly feel very fortunate
to be surrounded

by people who care enough
about me and my work

to go to such great lengths.

Now, if I have one criticism,
it's that this prank

was really not
all that believable,

because what kind of a universe

would be cruel enough
to allow "Review"

to be canceled right
after I chose it over my family?

Come on. [Laughs]

But all in all,

I give being pranked
five really fun stars.

That's all the time
we have for "Review"

See you next time.