02x02 - The Trouble with Edward

[bunniefuu]

Captain's log.

Stardate 1421.9.

It's not often that losing

a crew member
is cause for celebration.

But our young science officer
Lynne Lucero has been promoted.

She's taking command
of the research vessel Cabot

above Pragine 63.

They're lucky to have her.

You know, this place isn't
gonna be the same without you.

Ah, you'll get by. But if
you do get into trouble,

I can always come to your rescue
in my little research ship.

I can think of easier assignments.
Hmm.

A civilization
on the brink of starvation

on the edge of Klingon space,
and Starfleet wants you

to intervene on their behalf,

without the Klingons
ever knowing.

Seems like a fun challenge
to me.

I admire your optimism.

Well, it got me this far, sir.

- You ready?
- I feel ready.

Any advice
from a salty old captain?

Don't show any weakness,
or they will eat you alive.

Yeah, I'm-I'm kidding. You're
gonna have a great time. Go.

- Thank you, sir.
- Just, uh, one tip.

You got this job because
you are a brilliant scientist.

But you're gonna find that
not everybody's on your level.

- If you know what I mean.
- You're right.

Some are gonna be
even better than me.

There's that optimism again.

Good luck out there,

Captain.

You, too, Captain.

We've been sharing resources
with the soil department.

Together, we're hoping
to get the pH levels

in our targeted areas up
to 6.0 within a decade.

That sounds promising.

I'm glad you took the initiative
on collaboration.

And we're exploring
a third option. Edward Larkin?

Huh?

What has your department
been up to?

I don't have a department.

It's-it's just me.

- What have you been up to?
- I-I also,

I didn't know we were
sharing resources, so...

Yeah. Um, okay.

Uh...

I got it.

It's all right, take your time.

Yeah, I was just getting it...

Uh-uh-uh.

I think it's broken.
It's broken.

Oh.

Yeah. Thank you for,
uh, fixing it.

It wa... it was broken.

Mm-hmm.
Uh,

I've been working
with sample specimens

from a species native
to Iota Geminorum IV.

Tribleustes ventricosus.

People call them, uh,
"tribbles" for short.

Aw.

Pretty darn cute.
Yeah.

And if you, uh, take all
the fur off underneath,

it's-it's all meat.

Like a scallop. Blood red.

You want to eat them?

I-I don't want to eat them.

Uh, I was thinking
of introducing them

as a food source
for the Calations.

Although I have, uh,

I have eaten one or two,

um...

for research purposes.

I fed one to Noel the other
day, and he enjoyed it.

Noel is a foodie.

But I'm no chef.

Um...

The only problem

with this particular species
is that they breed very slowly.

But with some genetic
manipulation, I could speed up

that process and we could,
we could make a ton of these.

Let me ask you:
are they intelligent?

It's hard to say.
Uh, as you can see,

they-they don't have a face.

But they're very slow-moving,
so they would be easy to hunt.

And actually, one fell off
my desk the other day,

and it-it just d*ed instantly,
so there's that.

So even if they
were intelligent,

I feel like they would be
very easy to capture

and then eat... No, I was

more concerned
with the moral implications.

- For the tribble?
- Well, sure.

I could, uh,
genetically manipulate the DNA

to make them all brain-damaged.

And that way, that would, um...

uh, solve that. You know,

I think our focus should be
on primary food sources,

so why don't we just put a pin
in the tribbles work

and move you over
to climatology?

Well, I'm a protein
specialist, so I-I...

climatology's...

Well, we're all scientists here.

Learning things is kind of
in our wheelhouse.

All right, moving on.
I'd like to talk oceanography.

I think
we have a real opportunity

to boost our overall...

New boss, huh?

Barf.

I think people like her.

Nah.

One extra large salad.

- Enjoy.
- No, they don't.

No, they don't.

Well, I look forward to more
fascinating work from you.

Thank you, sir.

Edward? May I see
you in my office?

Yeah.

My commanding officer
at Starfleet received a series

of anonymous messages
last night about me.

Oh. W-Wha... uh,
what did they say?

They said that
I'm bad at my job,

that I should be
replaced immediately

and that I'm "dumb."

That's so weird.

I mean, do you think that
you're, uh, bad at your job?

Or do you think
that you're dumb?

I've talked to a number
of scientists on board,

and they all agree, you are
an extremely talented biologist.

I mean, I like to think
that I'm good at my job.

Yeah, they also agree
that this behavior

- is not unexpected from you.
- What behavior?

You mean the messages?
'Cause those were anonymous.

You know, "anonymous" means that

I... you don't know
who sent them.

Okay.

Personal issues aside,
I just don't think

you're the right fit for the
kind of work we're doing here,

so I've requested
to have you transferred.

- Captain, but...
- This conversation's over.

- You're dismissed.
- Right, but...

This is the end
of the conversation.

- Captain, if I could...
- You can't.

- Right, but...
- The conversation's over.

- That's the end.
- Well, technically,

the conversation is not over,
because I can keep talking,

and then the conversation is...

is-is continuing. II don't know how
you made it this far in your career

behaving like this.

You think I'm dumb?
This is why I ended the conversation.

I'm having you transferred.
End of conversation.

It would be rude and
irresponsible to end the conv...

- The conversation's over.
- But...

- Edward.
- Remember earlier, I said...

- Larkin.
- Yep. All right, fine.

I'm... not... dumb.

Lock down environmental control.

Hey, what's going on?

There's been a lab breach.

Need my help?

They're so cute.

Wow. Oh, my God.

Uh, wh-who did this?

Edward.

You do realize you...

Huh?

You do realize you disobeyed
a direct order?

I'm going to have to
put that on your file.

This isn't going
to be good for you.

But...

But it worked.

Captain, we have a problem.
There's more of them.

Feel the meat on these.

There's a transport
coming in two days,

and you're gonna be on it.

♪ They call me
Johnny Appleseed ♪

♪ I've come to plant
my seeds, indeed ♪

♪ I've come to plant 'em
in the ground ♪

♪ They'll blossom soon
for miles around ♪

♪ Here's a seed, plant it deep

♪ Seeds can earn
their board and keep ♪

♪ Here's a seed,
take good care ♪

♪ Soon you'll find
an orchard there ♪

♪ An apple tree's
a sheer delight ♪

♪ In spring, it's like
a cloud of white ♪

♪ In summer,
it's a cloud of green ♪

♪ Its shade'll make you
feel serene ♪

♪ Here's a seed,
take good care ♪

♪ Soon you'll find
an orchard there. ♪

The tribbles got into
the ship's circuitry.

Transporters are off-line.

They're proliferating
at an exponential rate.

It'll be a matter of hours
before the ship won't be able

to provide enough oxygen.

Can anyone tell me how
they're breeding this quickly?

I analyzed a newborn tribble.
They're born pregnant.

Well, when you mix human DNA
with tribble DNA,

crazy stuff happens.

- Sorry, you used human DNA?
- Yeah.

- Whose DNA?
- Look,

I think we're getting
off track, all right?

I mean, if we all eat
our fair share of these,

the population will even itself out.
Edward.

Whose DNA?

It was mine.

But, like...

like Noel's DNA
would be any better?

Okay, we need to
focus our energy

on containment.
Tactical,

set phaser r*fles to "stun."
Move through the decks

- in groups of three.
- Yes, sir.

I'm not helping.

Attention, all personnel.

Decks one through six are
confirmed fire hazard areas.

Go, go, go! Do not attempt to access.

Overload.

Malfunction critical.

Go! Hurry!

Captain.

- You thought it wouldn't work.
- Edward,

we have to go now!

- You said I was dumb.
- Edward, please.

I'm not dumb.

- I'm smart.
- Edward!

No, I never said you were dumb.

You messaged my bosses
and told them I was dumb.

I made one of the most important
scientific discoveries

of our time!

I'm not the dumb one! You...

With less than two weeks
under your command,

the Cabot science vessel
saw an on board experiment

go beyond your control.

One crew member was
tragically lost,

and the ship itself suffered

a total and complete
structural failure.

And then, of course,
a genetically modified species

managed to find its way
to the surface

of Pragine 63,

forcing the evacuation
of an entire civilization.

And we've just gotten word
these creatures have

made their way
into Klingon space.

So let's add a diplomatic crisis
to all of this.

But according to your report,
this entire calamity

was all caused by
one crew member.

How do you explain that?

He was an idiot.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

Oh, no. Out of cereal?

With new Tribbles,
you'll never run out of cereal again.

Tribbles is the only cereal
with self-replication,

so the fun never stops.

And neither do the Tribbles.

There's a prize at the bottom
of each box.

Not that you'll
ever get to the bottom.

And only Tribbles has
the taste kids love.

Mmm, so furry.
It tickles!

And meaty, so it really
fills me up.

Parents love that Tribbles are
packed with 18 essential

vitamins and minerals...
and Edward.

Tribbles contain more human DNA
than any other leading brands.

That's the building blocks
of life.

Override your replicator
safety protocols

and set it for Tribbles.

In Original, Hairy Berry,

and new Spicy Ranch.

♪ When your tummy needs
a nibble ♪

♪ Pour a bowl of Tribbles

We're pregnant... with flavor.

♪ Tribbles.