03x03 - Parole Officer

[bunniefuu]

[POOL BALLS THUDDING]

[SIGHS] Man, I tell you,
Pops outdid himself

when He created catfish.

I mean, some people refer
to them as bottom-feeders,

but I refer to them
as down-bottom delicacy.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Hey, all I know is
His arch rival Lucifer

outdid hisself with this
"That Damn Devil" hot sauce.

He... he came up with this, babe.

Boom.

You do know that's just
a company and a mascot, right?

I mean, "That Damn Devil"
ain't makin' no hot sauce.

It was made with plants created
by Pops on the fifth day.

All I know is this is the most
delicious, hottest sauce ever.

[LAUGHS] And you can't
find it everywhere.

[LAUGHS] That's why a n*gga
keeps his own bottle with him.

- [LAUGHS]
- Exclusive.

Boy, is it.

Hey, you notice Lloyd
been acting funny lately?

Oh, he's just mad 'cause
he can't get drunk no more.

I told him it wasn't even on me.

Over there mad-doggin' and stuff.

He know I still love his ass.
Ain't that right, Lloyd?

Did my ex-Lord and no-longer-my-savior

say something?

Oh! Boon! My P.O.

You got Shalinka's keys?

- Oh, yeah. I'm on it.
- Come on, come on!

I got to go! I got to go!

Oh. Hold up.

Hey. Where that Devil?

I don't know. I think
you put it in your pocket.

Probably fell out them baggy-ass

track pants you got on. Heh, heh.

Come on, Boon!
We gonna be late, dawg! Come on!

Damn.

Why you wearin' track pants, anyway?

That's for runnin' n*gg*s,
not no damn wobblin'-ass n*gg*s.

Heh, heh, heh.

[SNIFFS]

[SMACKING LIPS]

[SLURPS] Mmm!

Man. That Damn Devil ain't sh*t.

Ah. It's all right.

♪♪

[DRAWER OPENS]

I am here to make a difference.

To help people.

I can make a difference.

My job is a privilege,

and I am so grateful
for my profession.

People pray every day
to have a job like mine.

Today's gonna be a good day.

Man, you just a punk-ass P.O.

You violatin' me? Why?

The as*ault charge.

I know where you
and your boy band live, bitch.

- Where do I live?
- North Roscoe.

Okay, that's... that's where I live.

You tested positive for...

everything.

I... have...

AIDS?

I... No. Or I don't know.

How did I get AIDS?!

[BLEEP] this list!
"Think positive" bullshit.

Who the [BLEEP] decides
to be a parole office, anyway,

you [BLEEP] nerd?

You ain't even a real cop, homey.

Hope you choke on a bowl of
dicks and die, mother[BLEEP]

Okay. [VOICE BREAKING] Well,
thank you for the feedback.

[BLEEP] you.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jesus.

You called?

Uh, no. I didn't. Uh...

Are you smoking? No, um... never mind.

Uh, please. Please, take a seat.

[SNIFFLES] Um, Mister, uh...?

Christ. As in Jesus Christ.

But you can call me Jee,

big dawg in the robe,
the light supreme,

Mister Turn-One-Fish-Into- , -
And-Feed-A-Whole-Family.

It don't even matter what you call me,

just as long as you call me.
And you just did.

What's happening, pimp?

Well, gee... zus.

Um... my name's Tyler.

Praise be to you. Um...

- Let me find your file.
- Hey, look, look.

How about we put that on hold
and we talk about your file?

My file?

Man, I know somebody
got that sh*t, man.

Nothing got turned in.

That phone's not coming back, Boonie.

Damn. I liked that phone, man.

That was the Kuba Flip .

I can't figure out nothing
after the Kuba Flip .

Psh, eBay. Here.

Look.

That's my phone!

Oh, yeah. They got a bunch
of Kuba Flip 's on here.

Nah, look what I'm saying.
That's my actual phone.

Look. That's my wallpaper.

Is that a bottle of Darby?

Lloyd!

...and I keep reaching out, but it...

it feels like no one's listening.

Like this last guy, okay,
he wanted me to choke to death

on a bowl of dicks.

Some people need more motivation, man.

But at the end of the day,
all that counts

is what's in your heart.

And as long as that's right,
Pops is with you.

He riding with you,
and he gonna lead your way.

But, uh, [CLEARS THROAT]
this New Compton Gardens,

at this number, that's the best
place to reach you?

That's the homeboy Boonie.

Call that number any time.
I'm always with Boone.

He know how to get ahold of your boy.

So, uh, Jesus has a son named Boonie?

No! [CHUCKLES] No kids for Jesus.

Naw, Pops would k*ll me... again.

And, for real, that wasn't
no fun the first time, pimp.

How 'bout we just say this...
next time, [BLEEP] that kiosk.

I'm just gonna come up in here
and holla at you.

Cool?

All right.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Ooh! Okay.

Hey, Louis! What's up, pimp?

Hey, you better get that
cholesterol down

or you gonna die, dawg!

- [LAUGHS]
- [SIREN WAILING]

- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS]
- Damn, fool!

- Huh?
- Hey [BLEEP] you!

Christ lives matter, mother[BLEEP]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ohh, man.

I shoulda known. I shoulda known.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yep.

[LOCK, BOLT CUTTERS CLATTER]

♪♪

Oh, this fool here...

He's stealing stuff!

♪♪

Man, what the hell?

What's this? This...

Oh, this mother[BLEEP] This mother...

[SIGHS]

♪ Get your hands up

♪♪

[CHUCKLES] Tyler!

What's happening, pimp?

I mean, that's a dedicated
P.O. right there,

you know what I'm talkin' about?

The boy making house calls and things.

Hey, so to what do I owe
the honor, pimp?

Uh, look...

I believe you.

What you talking about, pimp?

[SIGHS] I believe you're Jesus.

I-I-I saw you get hit by that car

when you were leaving the office.

Oh, snap! You saw that, huh?

- Yeah.
- You saw that, right?

- Yeah.
- Pops is dope, right?

Yeah, I...

Actually, I kind of feel
like this changes

the course of my life forever.

It does, home-bolio!

And your afterlife, too, pimp.

This here is cause for celebration.

Yeah, okay.

Smoke yours, man. You got some weed?

Oh, no. Uh, not, uh...
not on me. I'm at work.

- You got some cash?
- Yeah. Yeah, I got cash.

Come on. Let's get some weed.

Uh, okay.

CASSANDRA: Are you sure
this is all right?

Like, just socializing
with your clients like this?

[SIGHS] Who knows?

[GIGGLES]

It's fine. Uh... I don't know.

I just...
I really want you to meet him.

Okay.

Okay. I just...

I'm still wrapping
my head around this.

But I love you,
and if it's important to you,

- then I want to explore it with you.
- Thank you, sweetie.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm. Okay.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Oh. I'll get it.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Cassandra! So nice to...

- Oh...
- Oh, okay.

- So nice to meet you!
- Yeah.

Well, I already know you,
'cause I am Jesus, you dig?

Tyler, what's happening?

I see you up in here
living like a boss, pimp.

- Come here. Give it to me.
- Okay.

- Give it to me.
- Oh-kay! Oh, yeah.

What's up? How you been, playboy?

I'm good. Right, hon?

- Yeah.
- [GASPS]

The Kuba people of the Congo!

That one is sweet.

You got so many dope African artifacts

and souvenirs in here...

Ooh, I really dig that

from all your travels to our Africa.

'Cause I know you went down
there, and you fed the hungry,

you dig, and you also helped
feed and clothe

the homeless brothers
and sisters down there.

I really appreciate that.
Girl, give me some.

Give me some. Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

And that's why I knew you
wouldn't trip if I brought

one of my poor, unfed partners with me

to celebrate this occasion with us.

Tyler, Cassandra, this is Boonie.

Boonie, this is my parole
officer, Tyler,

and his girl, Cassandra,
who's really into the

whole Africa, feed-the-world thing.

- Good lady.
- Anyway, hey. What's up.

Can you point me to the bathroom?

'Cause I got to take a sh*t real bad.

I mean, I know we just met,
and I hate to walk right up

into your house
and hit you with this bad news

about tearing up your bathroom,

but you know how it is.
[CHUCKLES] You know.

Unless Jesus can make the sh*t
go away for a couple of hours,

then I don't have
to use they bathroom?

[SLURPS, CHEWING LOUDLY]

That's on Pops.

Nope. [CHUCKLES] I still got to sh*t.

How long has he been in there?

Is he ever coming out?

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- Boonie's a big-ass man.

I mean, big man mean big turds.

Plus, his diet is all [BLEEP] up.

He been eating
a lot of fish sandwiches

and gummy worms lately.

That can't come out easy.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Boy, hey.

Well, y'all bathroom
like a damn resort.

I couldn't just throw these back on

and contaminate a clean ass
with some dirty drawers.

Can I... Can I put these
in your washer? Ours is broke.

[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn. Y'all got a lot of African sh*t.

Well, I lived in Nairobi
for two years,

and I have such a strong
interest in the culture.

So... so we have
all this stuff. [LAUGHS]

Hey, so tell me something...
Does Africa stink?

[CHUCKLES] I'm just saying,
like, I always imagined Africa

to be mustier than a mother[BLEEP]

That is really offensive.
Africa is so beautiful.

Oh, well, you know,
you can have it if you want it.

Mother[BLEEP] like me,
I need some pavement

to walk on [CHUCKLING] you know?

I can't... I can't [BLEEP]
with all that dirt

and monkey sh*t. [LAUGHS]

Hey, Tyler, I think it's cool
that your girl

is into the negroid arts.

You know, she gonna help me
find a white bitch.

[LAUGHS] White b*tches
don't stress you out

like Black women, you know?

Man, you ever had any Black p*ssy?

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

I... Well, I-I... I have, um, dated

an African-American woman before.

Hey, so look, which one you like

going down on? Them or white b*tches?

You know, 'cause I'm just
trying to figure it out,

'cause let me tell you,
them white b*tches,

they throw it back at you.

[LAUGHS] Right in your mouth.

[LAUGHS]

What the [BLEEP] is your problem?

Can you please stop saying
the word "white bitch"?

Uh, Caucasian bitch.

- [SIGHS]
- Just stop saying "bitch."

You know what, Cassandra,
I don't like that word, either.

Don't like it. Really don't.

- It's actually deplorable.
- Oh.

Well, you didn't seem
to have a problem with it

when he said it about times
in the last seconds, so...

I'm Jesus. I hear that type
of language all the time.

Don't phase me, though.

Oh, so blatant sexism
doesn't phase you?

Saying an entire continent of
people stink doesn't phase you.

You're supposed to be Jesus,
and you hang out

with lowlifes like this?

Exactly!

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Much love, brother.

Good folks right here. Good people.

I'm finna just go ahead
and roll this blunt.

Ooh, twist a fat one.

You are a disgusting, contemptible,

deplorable, r*cist,
misogynist piece of human filth.

Do you say that because
I'm Black or...

Tyler, I want these people
the [BLEEP] out of my house!

- So no white b*tches?
- Go!

JESUS: Okay, Cassandra.
God bless y'all.

You got a beautiful home, though.

No, no, no!

My ill-gotten gains are gone!

No! Oh, boy.

Oh, Lord.

Thou shalt not steal, Lloyd.

You mean the way you stole the
joy of my drunken inebriation?

Huh? Lookit, Jesus. Look at this.

Look at this.

No buzz. I can drink all I want.

And that little petty-ass
thievery for re-sale,

at least I felt I was trying
to do something for people.

And my eBay merchant ratings,

oh, it's really gonna eat sh*t.

Eat sh*t! Eat sh*t!

You know what that means? Eat sh*t!

Eat sh*t, Jesus!

Eat sh*t!

So his grimy ass
was flipping it all on eBay

and making a k*lling.
That's messed up.

My stupid ass out here stealing rims.

This must be where
the money really is.

If dumb, drunk Lloyd can do it, I can.

So, what you gonna do with it?

Uh... finders, keepers.

Hey, you want a jPad?

Oh.

Aren't you going to work?
Do you need to take a shower?

[SIGHS] I was just thinking, um...

Maybe that job isn't for me. [SCOFFS]

Is this about your "hood" Jesus?

What the [BLEEP] is your problem?!

Of all the made-up Jesuses,
you had to find

the most [BLEEP] up one of all.

And where's the proof, huh?
I didn't see any miracles.

He is not a fake.

And you know what, maybe...
maybe you are r*cist.

Huh? Denying the Black son of God?

You know what, I'm not gonna
force this on you any more.

I will explore it on my own.

I know what I saw.

- I saw a miracle!
- [DOOR CLOSES]

♪ Come on and put your hands up ♪

[CAR LOCKS BEEP]

♪♪

Fellas.

BONNIE: Hey, Jesus,
the white boy here, man.

Hey, uh, I would offer you something,

but we don't have things like food.

Uh, you want a jPad?

- Uh, yeah. Sure thing.
- All right.

Last night was, uh, fun.

But did Cassandra
have a good time, though?

Hey, she a solid young lady, man.

You better keep her on your team.

Plus, she know all about
the motherland. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Um... matter of fact,

I might need
to crash here a few nights,

if that's all right with you guys.

Oh, man, for sure.

You already know, man,
that's nothing, man.

Check it out.
It be like that sometimes.

Look, mi casa es su casa.

Well, Boonie casa is su casa.

You get it, pimp. [CHUCKLES]

Uh...

Listen, Jesus.

I was thinking, and...

I'm ready to commit.

To... To this. To you.

I want to love life, too.

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, let's find it, then, pimp!

Hey, look, me and Boonie was
just about to go to the store

to get some more blunts and libations.

Man, we about to light
this mother[BLEEP] up!

Smoke! Take it in.

Feel God's love
all through your lungs.

Breathe in love. Breathe out the hate.

♪♪

[ECHOING] Feel it. Hit it.

[NORMAL VOICE] You feel God's love?

Pass me my sh*t, man.
You holdin' it too long.

[COUGHING] Sorry.

♪♪

- [COUGHS]
- Morning, pimp!

- [GROANS]
- What's happenin'?

[CHUCKLES]

Morning.

I had this dream
we were dodging g*nshots

in a car chase with the cops.

For some reason, they only let us go

after they took my pants.

Them cops, they really dug
them trousers, dawg.

[CHUCKLES] I'm telling you, pimp,

this life ain't for everybody.

But we did get to save
some souls last night...

Yes, we did... in a major way.

Hey, new guy!
Feel like making a coffee run?

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CAR DOORS CLOSE]

You stole my jPad, [BLEEP]

What? Whoa! I did not!

Get him!

Stop! Stop! I'm sorry!

Jesus! [BLEEP]

[TIRE IRON CLATTERS]

Why did you guys give me
a stolen jPad?

That "find my phone" app
nearly cost me my life.

Man, you just scared
this condom off me.

And I didn't steal it!

I-I got the stash of the person
who did steal it.

And where's my coffee?

Coffee?! No. No, no, no, no, no.
This is crazy.

I-I don't get it.
Why do you guys do this?

What is the point?

We ask ourselves that all the time.

But it's supposed to pay off one day.

And it will. It paid off for Fish.

It paid off for Maggie.
It paid off for Trayvon.

They all went on
to better lives through me.

It pays every day for eternity

to stay down with your
Heavenly Father, pimp.

Basically, when you're dead.

I can't wait that long.

Tyler, Pops works through us all
in mysterious ways.

And, by the way,
He told me He already gave you

the tools it takes
to be great at that job

and change the world.

All you got to do
is trust your instincts.

Baby, if the Black Jesus
has helped you see

that you can make a real
difference at your job, then...

I guess I was wrong about him.

[SIGHS]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]
Meghann, send in my first.

Hey, hey. Hold up, cuz.

Let me at him real quick.

Hey, Tyler.

I was all wrong, homey.

All that "think positive" nonsense

landed my Black ass a job, homey.

It did?

That's great!

Uh, what are... what are you doing?

b*ating up mother[BLEEP]
at the Glam Gam Bikini Bar

if they [BLEEP] with the girls.

b*tches really appreciate my ass now.

'Cause of your ass!

Hey, come here, homey.

Hey.

You see this white...

this dude right here?

Listen to him. He'll set you straight.

All right.

You're still a [BLEEP] nerd.

[HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS]

Thanks, Jesus.

The name's Jesus. [HEY-ZOOS]