03x04 - Operation Shut'em-down

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[CAR DOOR SHUTS]

WOMAN: Our next stop

on our Southern California
"Yo Home Slice"

Ghetto Gear and Weed Tasting Tour

is the notorious New Compton Gardens,

a hot bed of dr*gs, v*olence,

cut-rate weed,
and designer knock-offs.

To my left are genuine
African-American drug dealers.

- The average life-span...
- She must really dig it.

...of a ghetto drug dealer is .

So, obviously,
the two men you see here

are well past their prime.

The residents of this complex

are, in many ways,
prisoners in their own homes,

in constant fear of g*ng v*olence.

[TOURISTS OOH-ING AND AHH-ING]

Time to make mama proud. [CHUCKLES]

WOMAN: Taste, please?

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- That's some Fantastic right there.
- Oh, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

Ahhh.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- g*ng face, Yoga b*tches!

- Get down!
- Duck!

[g*nf*re]

- Get down, everyone!
- Let's see what happens!

[TOURISTS OOH-ING AND AHH-ING]

[YOGA b*tches WHOOPING]

[TOURISTS CHEERING, LAUGHING]

That was real gangsta hood sh*t!

[LAUGHTER] This craziness
needs to stop!

Y'all was applauding a drive-by?
[GASPS]

- Y'all are crazy!
- Thank you! Sayonara!

- Thank you!
- Thank you!

Hey, she didn't pay me for my weed!

♪♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Lloyd!

What?

As you know, we just experienced

some incoming fire from a local g*ng.

That's them b*tches in spandex.

Well, them b*tches in spandex
got g*ns,

and they will be back.

I'm suggesting an armed
special show of forces.

I call it "Operation: Shut'em-down."

It provides multiple layers
of security.

Layer one, the Word Keepers.

You know what?

Them young punks

don't know they ass
from a hole in the ground!

No. But look... they don't got to.

'Cause of this.

[LOUD CREAK]

Damn, M-Track! What the hell is that?

And unmanned reconnaissance vehicle

with visual surveillance capabilities.

In other words, it's a drone.

Yeah, man, it's custom-designed

to keep an eye on things around here.

Look at this.

See, it looks like
trash on the ground...

Uh-huh. ...then, when you
move the bitch like this...

[DRONE WHIRRING]

...that bitch look like a kite
from the bottom

when you see it in the air.

Look at that.

Ain't that a bitch.

L-look, look.

I see... I see a bald spot!

Clever, right?

Who the hell fly a kite in the hood?

You should've made it look like
a pair of tennis shoes

hanging on some telephone wires.

- [AIRPLANE RUMBLING]
- Uh-oh.

Oh, damn. Oh. Oh, damn.

I got to go.

Hey, no, no, no, man.
Come here, man. Look.

I'm trying to tell you my new plans

for increased security with
Operation: Shut'em-down.

Ambro, you are head of security.

Do everything you can
to keep everything secure.

All right?

Bye.

♪♪

All right.

It's time to take the streets back.

And if not,
at least sh**t some sh*t up.

[GROANS]

Can't get away from Darby.

Oh, what am I gonna do now?

Maybe some TV on.

Let me check this TV out.

[GRUNTS] All right.
What do we got here?

- [TV TURNS ON]
- Oh, yeah, Look at that.

"Real Ho Wives of Atlanta."

They put the "trifle" in "triflin',"

the "get" in "ghetto,
and the "hoe" in ho-ho...

Hold it a minute.

[SNIFFS] I smell ass.

I didn't know they made
a scratch-and-sniff television!

What the... [SNIFFING]

Nice fragrance, too.

Smell like Darby.

What the hell going on?

That's some Jesus bullshit.

First he take my desire to get drunk,

then he taunt me with some
booty-cr*ck smellin' like Darby.

Oh, that's some cold sh*t
to do to a man.

And he ain't gonna get away with it.

He ain't gonna get away with it.

Jesus! I'ma get drunk.

You ain't gonna stop me
from getting drunk.

Tell you that. [GRUNTS]

I'ma get drunk.

Mm.

♪♪

Mm. Yep. Let me see.

Oh, that looks good.

Um...

So, these are quarters, right?

And these go over here.

And we need some eighths.

Yeah. And these go over here.

Okay, Daddy!

[CHUCKLING] All right.

I love you, baby.

You doing a good job with that dope.

- Uh...
- [DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I was hoping Rihanna
come through the door.

Even with Jesus as your best friend,

that ain't gonna never happen.

Hey, Mommy, look!

This is a quarter.

This is seventh.

Uh, th-that's an eighth, sweetie.

Boonie, you teaching your little girl

how to bag weed?!

Look, she bagging it, not smoking it.

Besides, it's good math practice.

Fractions and stuff.

Her teacher told us
to pay extra attention

to the math, remember?

So I'm preparing her for school

and us for that parent-teacher
conference we got.

You not preparing her for that.

You preparing her
for a life of crime, Boonie,

and us a visit from
Child Protection Services!

Boonlinka, put that down. Come on.

Your daddy gon' have you
in foster care.

Boonie, I'm 'bout to drop her off

at my mama's house,

and I'ma come back and get you

so we can go to this
parent-teacher conference

at the school.

And be ready!

Big earrings, big mouth...

[DOOR CLOSES] ...big back.

- Got it?
- Good work, Word Keepers!

AMBRO: Keep it up!

That car goes to checkpoint Bravo,

that sofa to checkpoint Charlie.

- Yeah.
- Hey!

- What's your name?
- Roger that.

Scambro?

Ambro.

Ms. Booty, right?

The name is Ms. Tudi.

- Right.
- What is all this?

A garage sale?

Oh, nah.
These are vehicle checkpoints.

This is Operation: Shut'em-down.

Shut'em-down.

The Word Keepers
are gonna be occupying

the control points of this area.

So that way, no unauthorized vehicles

will be able to get through.

For how long?

All day.

- All day?
- All day.

Ain't gon' be no drive-bys

while I am in charge of security

- for this complex.
- No drive-bys!

Who is this n*gga?

Oh, that's Clancy.
That's my second in command.

- [TIRES SQUEAL]
- Crazy-ass m*therf*cker

Ooh. Now, if you'll excuse me,

uh, duty calls.

♪♪

You's a crazy-ass n*gga.

Stupid anthr*x.

Have a good day, Ms. Booty.

n*gga, don't have me come in there

and knock over your wheelchair, hear?

Still here to protect you, Ms. Booty.

And all that ass.

- I heard that!
- [SNICKERS]

If you don't live here,

you can turn around
and get the f*ck out.

[DRONE WHIRRING]

f*ck!

Damn it, Clancy!

This is an integral piece
of our operation, man!

I thought you said you flew
one of these in the Air Force!

I-I did, but I flew in the plane,

not below it!

LLOYD: Internet say I can get drunk.

Just follow the instructions.

Paprika.

Oooh, boy!

Cinnamon.

Yes, indeedy.

All right. Some sugar.

Chicharrón.

A little crushed garlic.

And look at that... That Damn Devil.

♪♪

[STIRRING]

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

♪♪

[SLURPS]

[SMACKS LIPS]

Damn you, Internet!

I ain't get drunk off this sh*t!

Agh!

All right. Listen up.

This is it.

This is the turning point.

This where it's all gonna get better.

If Scambro
and his soldiers of misfortune

don't f*ck it up.

But we just got sh*t at again
this morning, Ms. Tudi.

What if the Yoga Ladies
come back trippin'?

Baby, they got that
out of the way early.

They ain't coming back.

But this n*gga's dumb-ass operation

could cost me my sale.

Listen here.

In less than an hour,

I got carload of
horny senior citizens coming,

and they're expecting
suitcases of weed and Viagra.

How 'bout you call the senior citizens

and tell them we gonna move the sale

to another location, huh?

You don't understand

how skittish these old players are!

Plus, they don't even know
the sh*t is basically legal.

So if anything changes, anything,

they gone for good.

And then I'm stuck with suitcases

full of punk-ass weed and penis pills.

n*gga, what are you doing?!

Ms. Tudi, is these
Vitamin V even really real?

I mean, the instructions
ain't even in English.

Jesus, foreigners like sex, too.

I'm just saying, Ms. Tudi,

I'ma feel real bad
if these pills are counterfeit

and these old folks
can't get nothing up

but they hopes.

Boonie, try one of those.

See if it's real.

So you just gonna experiment
on your son, Ms. Tudi?

Come on. What?

Your father k*lled his.

- Ah... Hey.
- Mm-hmm.

He the only one with a d*ck, okay?

- Hm?
- A d*ck that work.

Boonie, I said take "one"!

♪♪

[FARTING]

Nothing can cut
the smell of this sh*t...

[SNIFFING]

- [FARTS]
- Mmm.

...but Darby!

[SNIFFING]

I smell Darby.

I know there's none here.

But I'ma track it down
no matter what it takes.

I'ma be like a hound dog
to get that Darby.

[HOWLS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Darby!

I'm coming to get your fine ass!

♪♪

Yes, I am.

- Ooooh-whoo!
- Get it locked down.

AMBRO: Look at that
pretty ghetto bird.

Yeah, make that barricade
a little bit taller.

Checkpoint Charlie, checkpoint Bravo.

- Tires always checkpoint Bravo.
- MAN: Got it.

There will be no infiltrating
these streets today.

Oh, Operation: Shut'em-down
is in full effect.

Ain't that right, Word Keepers?

- Word!
- Word!

Jesus, I think you right.

We gonna have
to call them old bastards

and have them meet us someplace else.

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- [SIGHS]

It ain't nothing but
a phone call, Ms. Tudi.

Boonie, hand me my damn cellphone.

[GROANS]

Come on, boy.

Why are you limpin'?

Ooh... It's...

- Ohh, that sh*t done kicked in?
- [GROANS]

I told you that
counterfeit Viagra was on point.

- Oooh.
- Gangsta, Ms. Tudi. [LAUGHS]

- Damn.
- Unh. Mm.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[LINE CLICKS] [SIGHS]

She hung up.

Lord, why do you give
old people technology?

[CHUCKLES]

'Cause it tickle the sh*t out of Pops.

MAN: Yo, man, what's up
with the surveillance?

- AMBRO: Watch out, Clancy. I got this.
- Ooh.

[GATE CLANKS]

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ah, ah, ah.

Stop the damn car.

Stop the damn car.

Stop pointing that damn g*n
at me, Ambro.

I came here to see Boonie.

I said turn off the g*dd*mn engine.

I ain't turning off sh*t.

- Move out my way.
- MAN: Let's go, ladies. Move it!

Okay, we got a situation at Charlie.

Shalinka to see Boonie.

- I need to search the car.
- MAN: - Ambro.

You not searching my car.

- Why not?
- Because it's my car.

And what you got to hide?

The sh*t in my car.

And what is with this outfit
you wearing?

Cosplay?

No, this ain't
no motherfuckin cosplay.

I don't even know what
the hell that is.

You know what?

You getting on my damn nerves, Ambro.

I ain't come here for this sh*t today,

and I ain't got time for it.

I got a parent-teacher
conference to go to.

I'm already nervous about that.

I know the w*r was rough,

and a lot of y'all got back here
with real problems.

But I encourage you to get some help.

But first, let me encourage you

to stay the f*ck away from me

and have a precious damn day!

You can't stop me
from seeing my baby daddy.

You done lost your mind.
All right, then.

Okay. We got a...

- We were right on you.
- All right.

We got a rogue.
Especially if you can't

stop somebody from getting
through with a couch.

Okay, Word Keepers. We got a code...

Ain't no damn Word Keepers.

But I bet I'm going through

this bullshit-ass barricade.

MAN: Ain't none of y'all
got a phone charger?

Oh, sh*t!

- [DRONE WHIRRING]
- Clancy!

LLOYD: Come on.

- [BOTTLES CLANKING]
- Okay.

Look at that. Come on, now.

Come on here.

There we go. Come on, then.

All right.

Who knew that I could smell
Darby in a liquor store

a half mile away?

Oh, my goodness. Lookit here.

Now, if I can't get drunk
drinking it, uh...

Maybe... just maybe...

Hm.

Let's try it.

♪♪

No one to stop me.

Come on.

Come on, Darby.

I'm depending on you.

I don't get it.

Boonie, Boonlinka is your daughter.

Ms. Tudi, she's your granddaughter.

And, Jesus, she's a child of God.

Y'all should be helping me and Boonie

be on time for this meeting
at Boonlinka's school.

Instead, y'all in here
hiding out like Anne Frank,

schemin' how to get old folks
through barricades

so they can buy weed and Viagra?

What the hell you lookin' at, Boonie?

And what the hell is this?

Well, Ms. Tudi kindly decided

to throw in some free adult diapers.

Counterfeit diapers, Jesus?

MS. TUDI: No, no, no, no. These
are called "Tight and Tidy."

Ain't that an accident
waiting to happen.

And I intended the hell
out of that pun.

[CHUCKLES]

AMBRO: So, when I push
this down like this,

I want you to push the button forward.

Got it?

Yeah. The thing is, Ambro, I...

I'd be better with a steering wheel.

See, these things is like
operating two tiny penises.

I wouldn't know nothing
about that, Clancy.

Hold up.

Okay.

Now!

[DRONE WHIRRING]

♪♪

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Whoooo-ooh!

It pretty! [LAUGHING]

Fly, sugar baby! Fly!

What's wrong with you?

Man, nothin', it's just...

It's just that, uh, you know,

Li'l Boonie needs
some lil' love right now,

you know what I'm saying?

To help him get straight.

Or maybe un-straight.

Hey, let's hit that bathroom up
for a hot minute.

Boonie, you know we too damn big
for that bathroom.

That bathroom ain't big enough
for two ants to get busy in.

And why you pushin' up?
We ain't drunk.

[MUMBLES] Wait a damn minute.

Did your mama make you take
some of them pills

to prove their efficacy?

Efficacy?

What... Oh, you fuckin professors now?

No, she did it to prove to Jesus

they could make my d*ck hard.

BLACK JESUS: Look, dawg,
I don't need no proof

of your junk getting hard.

I just didn't want her
selling them old folks

no false promises.

Man, trust me.
This stuff is extra-strength.

[CHUCKLES] You get the whole...

SHALINKA: Ms. Tudi,
how you gonna experiment

on your own child's genitals

with some fake-ass pharmaceuticals?

Shalinka, do me a solid here,

and don't mess with me no more today.

I'm trying to figure out how to
get these n*gg*s out the way

before the seniors come.

[DISTANT LAUGHTER, CHATTER]

What the hell?

[DRONE WHIRRING]

MAN: Hey, Ambro! I got a
doctor's appointment!

What the hell is that?

Look like some kind of
trash heap or something.

Oh, no. That's a drone.

You see the camera?

Ambro's probably using it
for surveillance.

Oh, sh**t. Here come Ms. Evans.

All right, I need a diversion.
Here, hold this, Shalinka.

[g*n COCKS]

[GASPS] [g*nsh*t]

[WHIRRING DISTORTS]

- Whoa!
- What?!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, hey.

[DRONE SPUTTERING]

AMBRO: Drone down!

Heads up!

- Aah!
- Oh! Oh, Lord!

- Clancy!
- We got a fire!

It wasn't me, Am!
Somebody sh*t it down!

Damn. I didn't know
it was gonna do all that.

Lis... Listen. You got to go.
Go, go, go, go!

Word Keepers!

Checkpoint Charlie's under att*ck!

Checkpoint Charlie's under att*ck!

Boonie, here they come.

It hurts to run!

MAN: Nothing true, y'all.

Here come my stuff.
That's what I'm talking about.

Mm, mm, mm.

All right.

BOONIE: Whew! Y'all... y'all good?

You sure this weed is good?

And... and the pills gonna grow wood?

Trust me, this stuff ain't no joke.

Okay. You ain't playing me, are you?

I ain't pla... Feel that.

Hey. Take your digits.

- [CAR STARTS]
- Get on away from here, boy.

Girl...

[CAR DRIVES OFF]

[ENGINE REVS]

Watch out! Get in!

- Get down! No, get down!
- Ow!

Damn! I think I shattered Li'l Boonie!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

BOONIE: Get down! [ENGINE REVVING]

- Here they come right now!
- Incoming!

MAN: Freedom fighters!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[g*nshots]

Oh!

♪♪

Aaaah!

Yoga b*tches run this hood, Tudi!

- Namaste, bitch!
- Get 'em, mama!

[g*nf*re]

[LAUGHS]

- Watch out!
- What the hell?!

Aaaah!

[YOGA b*tches WHOOPING]

[SCREAMING, f*ring]

[LAUGHS]

BLACK JESUS:
Whose car that is, Boonie?

♪♪

That was amazing.

Word Keepers, we protected home base.

But those b*tches will be back.

It's time for review.

[SPLASHING]

LLOYD: Brrrr!

Ohhhh! Hmmm! Darby.

♪♪

Oh, yeah. That feel good.

Come on, Darby. Work your magic.

- [RECORD SCRATCHES]
- It ain't working! Damn you, Jesuuuuus!

Boonlinka is a very special
little girl.

She... are you okay, Mr. Johnson?

[GROANS]

Is that a Tight and Tidy adult diaper?

Uh, yeah.

It's just this little cut I got.

It's really started bleeding

now that the pill I took wore off.

And I feel like all the blood
is rushing down

from [CHUCKLES] Li'l Boonie, and...

But... but I'ma be...

I, uh...

It's... my... my blood.

♪♪

Oh...

This punk-ass. I...

Miss Marburry,
can we reschedule, please?

♪♪

♪♪