03x07 - Hair Tudi

[bunniefuu]

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

NESSA: Look, look, look, look, look!

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Look, look!

- What's this, bitch?!
- They're mine, bitch!

- Ah!
- Ahh, my shoulder!

Man, it ain't that
pop damn funny, man.

Oh, man, that's my mama,

and when the old girl kung-fu her ass,

that sh*t got me [BLEEP] up.

[LAUGHS] no, Jesus is right, though.

We should not take
pleasure in Ms. Tudi's pain.

[LAUGHING] but that
sh*t right there...

MS. TUDI: Oh!

- She Jackie Chan'd her ass!
- Woo-tah!

[LAUGHS]

How you gonna put your mom
on world star like that?

She already 'hood infamous.

Now she 'bout to be
black-famous. [LAUGHS]

Who the [BLEEP] said I wanted
some n*gga-riety, n*gga?

BLACK JESUS: Damn, Ms. Tudi,

you over there all hurt up and things.

Come here, girl.

Come catch these healing hands, huh?

[CELESTIAL TINKLING]

Go and take that off.
Feel good, don't it, huh?

Ooh, come on, now, n*gga. Unh!

[LAUGHS]

You know this never would've happened

if you wasn't caught stealing.

I didn't steal nothing, hear?

I was returning a wig
that I purchased.

They got this damn no-return policy,

so I threw it in her face
and took the one I wanted.

Hey, mama, I didn't know
you still wear wig.

Oh, n*gga, I just use 'em
for random hook-ups

and when I'm doing sexual role-play.

You know you got to pretend
to be somebody else

- with these n*gg*s.
- Yeah!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪

Jesus, I am tired of this
Korean mafia bitch, hear?

They owning our community,
running our sh*t.

They control where we buy our hair.

They control where
we get our nails done.

They even control
where we get our liquor.

All the things that make
black women feel beautiful.

Nothing makes me feel better
than a mani-pedi,

fresh hair, and some
darby's special reserve.

[LAUGHS]

What about the word, though, Nessa?

What about that?

Look, you're right.

I just... I need a new weave
to get up in the club.

MS. TUDI: Mm-hmm.

Ms. Tudi, why don't you
open up your own wig store?

What, you mean like
sell hair to my own people?

All you got to do is
slide down into the bank

and apply for one of them loans

that they give to women
and minorities all day.

Do that, and you in like Flynn!

I mean, it sound good, Jesus,
but it ain't gonna...

Mnh-mnh, it ain't gonna work.

It ain't gonna work.

Nessa, where's Shalinka?

I don't know. Try her house, Ambro.

Roger that.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

What he want with link?

He probably tryin' to [BLEEP].

Oh, my bad, Jesus.

I meant, uh, fornicate.

He ain't her type anyway.

Boonie, anybody breathing
is Shalinka type

if she [BLEEP] with you.

Jesus, let's go and talk about

this business minority loan.

[SIGHS]

- Ms. Tudi.
- What?

We smoked all that kush in the car

and you still sitting
up here stressing?

Ain't nobody gonna give me
no loan to start no business.

Credit's all [BLEEP] up.

It's just so bad that
my grandkids are in debt.

Why don't we just go

before I get embarrassed up in here?

Ms. Tudi, you are really,

really [BLEEP] up my high right now.

I'm on a good one,

and you're really [BLEEP] my sh*t off

with all your disbelief and doubt.

Come on, pop's got a path for you.

He wouldn't bring you to it
and not bring you through it.

Have some faith.

LAVERNE: Good morning.

I was...

Oh, this bitch.

- Oh, hell no, bitch!
- Well, what you gonna do?

- No.
- Really?

- No, come on, then.
- Well, we can do it again.

[BLEEP] Laverne! Laverne!

So good seeing you.

We haven't seen you since the party

- where we had such a great time.
- [CELESTIAL TINKLING]

Oh, the... the party.

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.

We did have a wonderful
time, didn't we? Yeah!

[LAUGHING] we sure did, girl.

LAVERNE: Let me check your fico score.

[TYPING]

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

- Mm, mm, mm.
- What?

This is the lowest I've ever seen.

Well, damn. What's the score?

It's a .

Laverne, do your savior a solid

and check that score
one more again, hmm?

[CELESTIAL TINKLING]

Okay. [LAUGHS]

[HARP PLAYING]

- Oh, that... that's odd.
- What?

That says " ," not " ."

ha, ha, ha!

Hallelujah!

Thank you, Jesus!

Don't thank me. That's all pops.

Well, listen, Ms. Tudi,

I'MMA make sure that you can
get your money tomorrow.

I'MMA put a rush on it

[WHISPERING] before these
white folks change the rules.

They crucify a brother.

[WHISPERING] that's why
we got to stay woke.

We got to stay woke.

- Stay woke.
- We have to stick together.

You got some weed?

- Ah! Ee! Ooh! Ah!
- [BEDSPRINGS CREAKING]

Here we go, faster. [PANTING]

[CREAKING INTENSIFIES]

[HOWLING]

Ahhh.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah.

I broke you off, right?

Yeah, that was great.

What you talking about, "great"?

That was amazing!

Best you ever had!

That was splendiferous!

Spell it.

That's what I thought.

Boy, you can't give me
what you can't spell.

But you can do something for me.

Link, no.

I can't breathe down there.

A brother got adenoids.

I ain't talkin' about that, silly.

Sign these. What's this?

A life-insurance policy.

Oh. How much I get when you die?

n*gga, that's on your life, not mine.

I can't sign that.

Why not?

All you gonna do when I
die is use the money

to buy some other brother a chain.

What the mother[BLEEP]?

Boy, did you get sex-dehydrated again?

This don't have nothing to do

with some imaginary dude in a chain.

It's about your kids.

With this, Boonie, you'll be
doing more for them dead

than you do alive.

And you ain't even got to do nothing.

Nothing but die.

Absolutely.

But think about it, n*gga... you fat,

you probably got type- diabetes,

your mama got a short temper

and a happy-ass trigger finger,

so death comin' for your ass, Boon.

Sign the damn papers.

It's for the kids, right?

Yes, for the kids! Damn!

♪

Jesus, you know what?

That loan did not go as far
as I thought it would.

With the utilities
and the lease and the...

I barely had enough money
to get decent hair.

Don't worry about nothing, Ms. Tudi.

Look at it! It's coming
together beautifully!

Pop's gonna provide.

Hey, well, he need
to provide security.

That Korean bitch mafia
been eyeballin' us all day.

[GONG CRASHES] mama, I don't even know

why you opened up
business around them.

Oh, relax, Boonie.

There's plenty of heads in
need of hair around here.

You know what?

I want them to know that
they ain't the only ones

that can profit from our
European standards of beauty.

Hell, I deserve some of that
self-hatred money, too.

You know what?

I think we'll love ourselves
a whole lot more

if artists dropped lyrics

like the songs of Solomon
dropped verses.

And I quote...

"you are altogether
beautiful, my love.

There is no flaw in you."

[SMOOCHES]

Thank you. [LAUGHS]

- That is beautiful.
- Ain't it, though?

But, n*gga, you wearing a perm.

Ain't no way your hair
naturally that color.

Man, you gonna quit
disrespecting me, Boonie.

I keep telling you, man,
this ain't no perm.

I just hit my sh*t with a flat iron.

My mom half-galilean.

What did the pimp tell the
ho with two broken arms?

- [BELL TINKLES]
- what the [BLEEP]?

Hey, don't trip, Boon. I got this.

Koreans like talking
in riddles and proverbs.

Pan Ji-Ho, what did the pimp say

to the lady with two broken arms?

Nothing.

He broke her arms.

[LAUGHTER]

[WHIPPING SOUND, LAUGHTER STOPS]

Are you going to make me repeat myself

about showing your face around here?

Because I got another
broken arm for you.

Bitch, I ain't afraid
of no ass-kickin'.

But I got something for you.

- BOONIE: Ha, ha, ha! What's up, mom?
- Mm-hmm.

Karate against b*ll*ts.

I like our odds.

I thought your viral humiliation
might've taught you a lesson,

but it looks like you're gonna
have to learn the hard way

unless you want to take
your stuff and leave right now!

Ho, ho, ho! No, ho.

I have just as much right
to be here as you do.

Maybe you should leave.

Ha! My family has sold wigs in Compton

since penny got burnt by that iron.

You think you can put us
out of business

selling this cheap, synthetic crap?!

Oh, lord!

- Synthetic?
- What?

Ms. Tudi, you selling doll hair?

It is fine,
machine-engineered tresses.

Made in Taiwan?

You bad for my organization, Tudi.

Don't make me split your wig.

Huh, shows how much you know.

My mom only wears wigs
when she getting her freak on...

Boonie! Don't help.

You be out by the st.

That's when I make my good EBT money.

[SPEAKING KOREAN] _

hmm!

[BELL TINKLES]

My name in vain!

It's only hair.

It's way more than that now.

I'm gonna have to step up my game.

MEN: Labor! Labor! Labor!

No se, no se today, baby.

[MEN SHOUTING]

That's what I want right there!

Hey!

Y'all want to make
some d*ck-free money?

Yeah? All right. I need six.

All right, come on.

In the back.

Come on, hoes! Got to go!

Got to make some money!

Hey, Boon,

I don't know about Ms. Tudi
and this wig-shop business.

n*gga, it was your idea.

I know, and pops green-lit it, too,

but, ah, that Korean lady mafia,
they ain't playin'.

NESSA: They don't play.

I remember when
the beauty shop I go to

tried to have their own nail booth,

then all of a sudden,
the nail chick got arrested

for passing out bad checks.

Now what does that sound like?

The bitch was passing out bad checks.

- Uh, it is a crime, Nessa.
- Is it, though?

Or has that Korean bitch mafia

just monopolized
the crusty-ass-feet industry?

I know that I'd be walking around here

wearing boots every summer
if it wasn't for them.

Ugh, that's gross!

Don't talk about feet
while I'm eating.

Hey, Boon, you ever figure out

what was going on between them two?

Nah, man. Why don't you tell me?

Boon, you know everything
will be revealed in time.

Oh, man, I hate when you get
all biblically mysterious

when I want to know something.

Ain't no mystery there, Boonie.

You're about to be replaced.

Heh! I ain't about to be replaced.

Not the way I put it down, g*dd*mn it.

[LAUGHING]

Even though Link has been acting...

she's been acting a
little strange lately.

What's you mean?

She took out a
life-insurance policy on me.

You know, Ambro used to be
a mercenary back in the w*r.

He used to k*ll people for money.

Now, that sh*t you can tell me?

That sh*t was a long time ago, though.

I wonder, do he still
do m*rder-for-hire?

Link did say I was better
off dead than alive.

Oh, damn!

My cousin finna have you k*lled

for the insurance money.

Oh, she about to come up!

[LAUGHS]

[BELL TINKLES]

Man! Ms. Tudi really
boffed up one time.

There's more wigs and weaves in here

than the NBA all-star weekend.

Yep, it's gonna be a lot of
nappy-headed babies born

- behind all this deceitfulness.
- [LAUGHS]

Boon, you need to go come to
terms with your lamb's wool.

God made it beautiful, too, boy.

MS. TUDI: You stealing from me?

WOMAN: Oh! Ow! Oh!

- Huh?
- Ow, I'm sorry, Ms. Tudi.

- No, it grows like that, I swear!
- Oh, it grows like that.

- It always has!
- It grows like that, bitch? You think I'm stupid?

This is Peruvian hair.
It don't match your bush!

I knew I should've never
hired a ho that don't wax.

Listen up! I want all
you hoes to wax, you hear me?

Front to back, and
I mean I want that sh*t

clean as a bowling alley! Ahh!

- Gimme that.
- Ugh! Ow!

What in pop's name is going on here?

- [SCISSORS SNIP]
- [SCREAMS]

Get on back to work!

Listen, you saw
ho here threatening me.

She wanted me to shut down.

She gonna call out my product.

But you know what?

I ain't going down like that.

Oh, no, no, no.

So you know what I did?

I called my underground connection,

and that's why we got this
beautiful shipment of hair.

- Ha!
- Not those nefarious hair smugglers.

Do you even know where
they get their hair from?

♪

[SWORD SLASHES]

[CLIPPERS BUZZING]

[CAT SCREECHES]

[CLIPPERS BUZZING]

[CAT MEOWS]

Jesus, listen, I know you mad.
I know, I know.

But you saw that bitch.

And I'm not gonna let the KBM

just what, run me up out of here?

So if I have to resort to my old ways,

then so be it.

So what you saying is
they forced your hand?

[TIMIDLY] mm-hmm, yeah.

And, uh, that maybe if you knew

how they were over there
doing so well,

then you could compete fairly?

That's right. Yep.

- You know what I'm gonna do, right?
- Oh, lord.

I'm gonna go over there and
peep out their whole operation

and report it back to you.

You mean spy?

n*gga, instead of spying
on these titties,

why don't you do some spying for me?
[CLATTERING]

♪

Damn, Boon, this hair ain't cheap.

If Ms. Tudi come in
right under market value,

she might stand a chance.

Hey, it's not like that, man.

Like, Link, she real
particular where she buy hair.

She been shopping at the same spot

ever since she gave up
that jheri curl.

I know. It'll be hard
to lure folks away,

but I'll figure something out.

Hey, you feel like we being watched?

Nah, we cool.

Ha! I caught you! What are you doing?

Nothing!

You got anything for razor bumps?

Oh, you spying. Do not deny it!

Not exactly true, Pan Ji-Ho.
Come on, now.

- Ah, liar.
- [GASPS]

Yo, don't disrespect
the son of God like that!

Ah, enough of this nonsense!

[BLEEP]! [SPEAKING KOREAN] _

ahh!

[SPEAKING KOREAN] _

come on, Pan Ji-Ho! [SPEAKING KOREAN]

No, play time is over.

You tell this Tudi woman
she want to stay in business,

she'll hand over %
of her daily profit.

[LAUGHING]
- ain't no way mama going for that.

Then she'll lose something
a lot more valuable than money.

[UNDER BREATH] what's this
crazy bitch talkin' 'bout?

[BELL TINKLES]

Pan Ji-Ho kidnapped Boonie!

That Korean bitch mafia is ruthless!

Kidnapping my son...
now, that's some foul sh*t.

Can't believe this.

Don't worry, Ms. Tudi.

We'll figure out a way
to get Boonie back.

It's not that I want him back.

It just that I don't want
that bitch to have him.

Well, maybe we should call the police.

Jesus, this is Compton, baby.

By the time the police get here,

he'll be older than you.

Maybe you can take the loan
and pay them a ransom.

Jesus, I keep telling you...

most of the $ , is gone.

And if I had the money,
what, are we talking about

paying for this
mother[BLEEP] by the pound?

Well, I guess we know what time it is.

Bring it in, ladies. [CLAPS]

Let's pray.

♪

Y'all smell fish?

[SNIFFING]

MS. TUDI: Well, it ain't me.

Mm! [PAPER CRINKLING]

[BELL TINKLES]

What the hell is so important

you couldn't text me, Nessa?

Girl, you can take
that hit off Boonie,

'cause that Korean bitch mafia's
about to k*ll his ass

and you can collect
all that insurance money.

Girl, you on that sh*t again?

No, what... I told you
that only happened one time.

I did some mess back in junior college
spring break I wasn't proud of,

but you ain't got to keep
throwing it in my face, Link.

sh*t gets crazy down
in long beach, period.

Okay, fine.

But what hit are you
talking about, Nessa?

And how did you know about
the life-insurance policy?

Boonie told us when we saw you
paying Ambro to k*ll him.

Why black people
always assuming things?

Nessa, the policy is a back-up plan,

but it can't get my kids a new daddy.

And who the [BLEEP] want to break in

a new baby daddy anyway?

Okay, my bad.

I knew you and Ambro
were just screwin' anyway.

I ain't having sex
with that crazy-ass n*gga.

I'd buy a million dildos
'fore that sh*t happen.

But trip, I need you to focus.

Okay.

Is Boonie really in danger?

[BLEEP] yeah.

Them Koreans got him
down at their shop

where you be gettin' your weave at,

and they gonna k*ll him.

[BLEEP]

I'm gonna miss "chopped" again
on a [BLEEP] Boonie mission.

♪

Are you sure you want to do this?

'Cause, I mean, you can get
one of them new -D TVs

with that insurance money.

I'm sure the kids would love
that better than a daddy.

I remember when
our microwave raised us.

[g*n COCKS]

Shut the [BLEEP] up and watch
the kids until I get back.

Ambro, I need you.

♪

Mm. [DOOR SLAMS]

[MOUTH FULL] I knew they were [BLEEP].

Ho, untie me!

I got to use the bathroom.

So go. [LAUGHS]

_

[LAUGHTER]

[GRENADE PIN CLATTERS]

[expl*si*n]

[SCREAMING]

Let's go! Move, move,
move, move, move!

[g*n COCKS] coming, Boon!

Boonie, hold still!

Keep moving. This is some
serious stuff going on.

No! Hey, don't touch me.

Link, I know you hired
Ambro to k*ll me

so you could make it look
like the Koreans did it

so you could collect
on that insurance policy.

Boonie, you watch too much damn TV.

Yeah, n*gga, I'm the one
that sold her the policy.

- What?
- Yeah, I know, right?

The irony of a hired k*ller
to sell life insurance.

n*gga, I got bills, too.

Ladies, can we discuss this later?

We ain't got time
for all this foolishness.

And let me tell you
Korean b*tches one thing...

I will burn this
mother[BLEEP] to the ground

if you keep [BLEEP] with me and mine!

And I know you remember
how long it took y'all ass

to get back from them damn riots.

Black-owned my ass.

[SPEAKING KOREAN] _

this is like
a bad blaxploitation flick.

Go, and take fat boy with you.

I'm gonna let
this natural-hair revolution

take out his mama!

Hey, we still got crusty-feet
and hard-liquor profits.

Ha!

Shut your barbecue-eatin' ass up.

Come on, y'all.

[SNIFFS] did you pee on yourself?

♪

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, you got that
galilean thing going on.

Ms. Tudi, look! What is that?

- What, what?
- You see that?

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Girl, you are beautifying and unifying

- the neighborhood through hair.
- [LAUGHING]

Look, look at all those
different kind of people.

Yes, lord, 'cause you know
God don't like ugly...

[BELL TINKLES]
...But somebody sure do.

[HORNS HONKING] oh, now?

Stop acting like that.

You know Shalinka saved your son

from them Korean ladies.
You should be thankful.

- Who said I was talking about Shalinka?
- [LAUGHING]

And them Korean ladies was gonna
put Boonie's ass out anyway.

Everybody does eventually.

- Hey, mama.
- Hey!

Looks like business
is booming, g*dd*mn it.

We gonna be rich!

What? Whoa! "we" gonna be rich?

n*gga, you see your name on
the sign anywhere out there?

[LAUGHING] unh-unh.

What you need to do is open
your own damn business,

or find a job! A paper route, Boonie!

Recycle some cans, make some money.

Or try to win some money on the radio.

Something, mother[BLEEP], please!

'Cause, n*gga, you ain't sh*t.

Not worth a dime.

This is like "the color purple"
up in here with y'all.

- Ms. Tudi.
- Mm-hmm?

I think one of them
yoga b*tches over there

- tryin' to steal from you.
- Oh, hell no! Watch out.

Ms. Tudi, no, don't do that!

Excuse me. Ahem!

Can I help you?

- No, I'm just looking around.
- You're just looking around?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?

Bitch, you stealin' from me.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah? My God?

Bitch, where do you think you going?!

[SCREAMING AND SCUFFLING]

[LAUGHTER]

And the student has become the master.

[LAUGHTER]

♪

♪

♪