03x08 - Boonie Comes Up

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[CONVERSATIONS STOP]

♪♪

Aw, sh*t, it's Tookie Ross.

- The pimp?
- Yeah, he only pimps

when he get tired
of killin' m*therf*ckers

She didn't go to the cops,
but I'm-a tell you, boy...

Hey, why is everybody so quiet?

Oh, man.

Jesus, that's Tookie Ross.

Now, I know you don't expect
me to be impressed, right?

I watched Pops make the sun,
the moon, and the stars.

What this dude make,
some bad decisions?

[LAUGHS]

Yo, my man, everybody else

might be scared
of your ass, but I'm not.

Now, if I catch you
working on my turf,

then your ass gonna have to pay.

Ransom is running sh*t.

- Who the f*ck is Ransom?
- Me, n*gga.

You see, I speak in the third person.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Well, let me tell you
some first-person sh*t,

to tell that third-person punk Ransom.

I work when I want to work,
where I want to work.

You got that, bitch?

[CHUCKLES]

[ALL SCREAMING]

WOMAN: Tookie!

[GASPING]

I'm gonna get my revenge.

Even if I got to jump my soul
into this fat m*therf*cker

Hey, hey. This is a new shirt.

My God! I'm... I'm
possessed by Tookie Ross!

No, you're not, dawg.

And I hope nobody expect me

to raise this evil mother
fucker from the dead, either.

Are you the Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ,

king of all kings, lord of all lords?

And you know this, Bill.
What's happening?

Hallelujah! Jesus,

you've been served.

♪♪

Lloyd's suing me for making him sober?

Man, what kind of bullshit is this?

♪♪

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome back to Homey's Court.

This is Lloyd, a former
homeless alcoholic

who manages the New Compton
Gardens apartment building.

He claims Jesus made him sober,

thus depriving him of any
joy in life ever again.

He's suing for $ .

And this is our Lord and Savior,
Jesus Christ.

He d*ed for our sins,

but apparently, that's not good enough

to prevent him
from being sued by Lloyd.

This is the case
of "Less Jews, More Booze."

♪♪

Raise your right hand.

Your right hand...

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

- and nothing but the truth?
- You damn right I do.

Raise your right hand.
Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

- So help me Pops.
- Man, speaking of that, man,

do you think you can sign my Bible?

Not now, Reggie.

Sorry, Judge. I'm sorry, Jesus.

Hey, Reg. Don't even trip.

Look inside the inside cover.

[TWINKLE!]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Case on your calendar,

Lloyd the drunk
versus Christ the Savior.

Before we get started here today,

JUDGE HOMEY:
I'd like to say that, uh, well,

I've seen people waste time and money

in many different ways.

Reggie and I saw "Boo"
and in the theater.

- We did.
- But this is an even bigger

- waste of time and money.
- Well, Your Honor...

How many cases have we
had like this, Reggie?

- None.
- Not a g*dd*mn one.

And why? It's ridiculous

that you are trying to prove
that this man made you sober.

If your ass was a alcoholic,
you should be thanking him.

Your Honor, would you thank a man

who stole your means
of orgasmic bliss?

k*ll your ability to bust a nut?

Shut down the flow
of your love hydrant?

I guess I'd be mad if my
love hydrant was shut down.

- You, Reggie?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, that's what Jesus did to me.

Took my ability to get drunk
off my black, crusty ass.

And people always say,
"Well, what would Jesus do?"

I know what he'd do.
He'd f*ck up a lot of sh*t.

All right, look. [STAMMERS]

Let's start at the beginning.

Okay, Your Honor.
Now, I'm laying down,

minding my own business.

Jesus walked up to me, leaned down,

and he said, "Lloyd, you're sober."

I said, "W-W-W-Wait... Wait a minute.

Hold on. What you mean sober?"

Your Honor, Lloyd was laying there,

incapacitated, lethargic.

I looked in his eyes. He had the sad,

alcoholic, puppy-dog eyes
that was crying for help.

"Please, I don't want
to be like this no more.

Please make me sober."

- And that's what I did.
- I can't believe this.

And when I got down there
to help him out, you know what?

- He didn't fight.
- That's not true.

He didn't resist. He wanted it.

I thought you come there to help me

- with my heartbreak of psoriasis.
- No, you didn't.

- You wanted sobriety.
- Yes, I did.

Order in Homey's Court!

All right.
Now, Lloyd, you are suing him

for an amount of $ .

Now, how did you come up
with that amount?

Well, Your Honor, since I been,
um, sober, your life changes.

You know, I have to eat better.

I take a shower now,
and I use that stuff people use.

You know what they do?
They do like this.

- What they call it?
- Soap?

Soap. So, now I'm clean,

women want to have sex with me.

Now we got another whole problem.

I got to get some condoms

- and, uh, my record bill is high.
- Record bills?

Well, you know you got
to get Luther Vandross

and Teddy Pendergrass, Johnny Mathis.

You can't make love without music.

Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

TOOKIE: I'm gonna get my revenge.

- [ECHOING] Revenge, revenge.
- [g*nsh*t]

WOMAN: Tookie!

Even if I got to get my soul

into this fat mother f*ckers body.

♪♪

BOONIE: I'm possessed by Tookie Ross!

For the record, Your Honor,

I didn't make Lloyd sober.
It wasn't me. It was Pops.

O-Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoever your Pops is,

He isn't on trial. You are.

Now, are you or are you not
the one who made him sober?

Not directly. See, Pops i-is God,

who is my Father,
a-and He works through me.

So, you know, I handle
the business on earth.

Wait a minute.

You really think you're Jesus?

Homey, you crazy.

♪♪

I know them ain't my b*tches.

See, you girls need to stay
focused, all right?

You don't need to be seeing
nothin' except blue skies,

dirty asphalt, or fuzzy navels.

Missionary position,
you seein' blue skies.

Doggie style,
you seein' dirty asphalt.

- Fuzzy navel speaks for itself.
- That kind of sucks.

Exactly.

W-What's up, brother?
How can I help you?

Is your name Bargain Hunter?

That's right. That... That's me.

You don't need no Benz and a Rolls

- to get wit' one of my hoes.
- I don't need nothin'.

I'm straight takin' 'em.
Turn the b*tches loose or else.

Or else what? You gonna whoop my ass?

[LAUGHTER]

- He gonna whoop my ass.
- [LAUGHTER]

No, I'm not gonna whoop your ass.

I'm gonna make you whoop your own ass.

I ain't gonna do that, brother. Hmm?

You got one second

to whoop your ass,

or I'm gonna whoop your ass for ya.

Let me tell you somethin',
brother. At the end of...

- Ooh!
- Oh.

What the hell?

What the...

Why you doin' that, brother? Huh?

[GROANING]

Look, brother, you can have the money.

Just take... take it, dawg!

DIAMOND: Girl, that's that fat n*gga
Tookie said he was gonna possess

- right before he d*ed.
- He must'a,

'cause only Tookie
can mindfuck somebody

into kickin' they own ass.

- Ooh, hey, baby.
- Hey, what's up?

You know, that was just like Tookie.

Mm-hmm. Tookie-esque,

for real, Zaddy.

That's what's up.
That ain't the only thing

like Tookie goin' on right now.

Ooh.

Duck walk, b*tches.

♪♪

Now, Lloyd, can you actually
prove that you were a drunk?

Yes, Your Honor. And I'd like
to call my first witness,

- Jesus Christ.
- Okay.

Jesus, could you please
describe who and what I was

prior to you making me sober?

Lloyd was a sh*t-faced
drunk, Your Honor.

And could you tell the court
how I used to smell?

He smelled like pounds

of fresh-kicked
gorilla ass, Your Honor.

Would you say that my
sh*t-faced, gorilla-smelling ass

- was happy?
- Your Honor, I ain't got no way

of knowing a mother
fucker happiness level.

All right, Lloyd, if you want
to be a drunk again,

why don't you go out
and get drunk again?

Your Honor, I'm sober in perpetuity.

And I'd like to bring
my second witness as proof.

This is a bottle of Darby.

I'm going to consume this.

I should be drunk in minutes.

If you will indulge me, please?

Please.

Thank you.

[BELCHING]

As you can see, Your Honor, no effect.

As proof, I would like the lady
in the front row

with the big titties to step out.

Big-titty lady?

- Bang!
- [SCREAMS]

- Your Honor...
- What in the world?

...you see that? Yeah.

If I was toe down,
this wouldn't happen.

Jesus, you see that? Look at it.

God gave me this.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Now, Lloyd, you have proven

that you are a total drunk-ass bastard

with damn near zero chance
of ever being saved.

But you have got to prove
that Jesus is the son of God

and can perform miracles

if you want me to believe
that he cured your ass.

Well, Pops... I mean God is my dad.

The record says here that Joseph
the carpenter is your father.

Your Honor, just because
Joseph married my mom

don't make him my real dad.

So, your mama just stuck
that fool with the payments.

Reggie knows about that.

Damn. Sadly, I do.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- So what you got for me?
- Remember that chubby dude

Tookie grabbed right before he d*ed?

Yeah, I remember the fat mother fucker

His name is Boonie.

If that's Tookie's soul inside
that fat mother fucker

probably wants revenge.

I don't know about
all that possession sh*t,

but what I do know
is I ain't taking no chances.

I'm gonna put an end to Tookie Ross.

♪♪

Even if I have to k*ll
Boonie's fat ass myself.

Oh, I've been drinking
with Lloyd for years.

And I can testify that my friend
Lloyd here can drink

but without any effect whatsoever

on his mental faculties.

Poor man. It's so painful.

Hurt like a bitch.

Just a bitch?

I know a lot of painful b*tches.

True dat.

As long as I've known Lloyd,
he's been a drunken fool.

Fool? Ain't nobody
asked you about that.

Well, I volunteered it.

Now, you want me to be honest,
let me be honest.

Well, how you gon' call
a mother fucker a fool?

Because, mother fucker you are a fool.

Enough, you two.

Like I was sayin',

Lloyd got drunk all the time.

And Jesus probably cured him.

Now, I didn't see him do it,

but I have seen him do
a lot of miracles.

Like, for instance,
my son Boonie is still alive.

And that's a dumb-ass n*gga,

so that's a miracle in and of itself.

What's your fuckin problem, boy?

You don't barge into
my bedroom like that.

You knock first, Boones.

What you want?

You know what I want, Boo Boo.

I want some of that afternoon sex.

You got some of those
afternoon checks?

You got your child support, Boone?

Nah, but look here, girl.

I got these ass supports. [LAUGHS]

I mean, right now?

You know I gotta go to court.
I gotta testify for Jesus today.

Well, get the f*ck on then.

n*gga, I ain't say no.

I say we gotta do a quickie,

Like you accustomed to.

Why are you dressed like a pimp?

'Cause my hoes like it.

What hoes, Boone?

- [WOMEN GIGGLING]
- Come on in here.

Who are these broke-down b*tches?

These my girls,

and I think it's about time
we all had that fivesome.

Fivesome? n*gga, we can
barely do a twosome.

- Hell no.
- Hey, suit yourself.

Foursome it is, girls.

Oh, hell no.

I know how to stop
this sh*t right now.

Give me this g*dd*mn g*n, girl.

Ooh, damn.

Boonie, you better be
glad I don't have time

to take care of this sh*t
because I gotta go to court.

But if I found out y'all been
fuckin in my house, Boonie,

I'm gonna burn this bitch down,
with y'all in it.

You gonna be a crispy pimp
with some cooked-ass hoes.

Bring your ass here with that...

WOMAN: Oh, wait.

- Tired of his sh*t.
- Hey!

- Getting on my damn nerves.
- Hey!

- Got these hoes up in here.
- I'm not done with you, woman!

Nobody blue-balls Tookie Ross!

[CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS, ENGINE STARTS]

Honestly, I don't know much
about Lloyd being an alcoholic,

and I never seen
Jesus perform a miracle,

but I know in my heart
that he is the son of God.

LLOYD: Your Honor, I would
still be an alcoholic

if Jesus had left my black ass alone.

What he should've been doin'
is heal her lopsided titties.

Okay, first of all,
my titties ain't on trial.

Secondly, God made 'em,

so they must be beautiful. [CHUCKLES]

And third, Lloyd, stop,
'cause you wish you had

some of this lopsided deliciousness.

Well, yes, I do. Yes, I do.

RANSOM: What you got for me?

SNITCH: His baby mama headed
down to a TV station.

Look like him and the hoes
gonna be goin' down there, too.

The hoes?

Mm.

Okay. Then that's where we goin'.

I'm gonna bust that buster
so everybody can see.

[ENGINE STARTS]

I would say Jesus is beyond nice.

I mean, if he had something,
you have something.

I wish my kids shared like that.

It's just too bad
they take after Boonie.

- Boonie?
- That's they trifling-ass daddy.

He hang out with Jesus, but
Jesus won't set him straight.

Link, I can't make that man act right

like he a robot or something.
It got to come from his heart.

Why can't you?
You're Jesus, aren't you?

But right now, all you're
doing is looking like Jesus.

You're not even acting like Jesus.

Because you are not Jesus.

You're...

Jeez-ish.

I need some proof, man.

Kick me a miracle or something.

It don't work like that, Your Honor.

I can't do a miracle
unless Pops says so.

It has to be His will.

Besides, according to you,

the only way I can lose this case

is if I can prove I'm Jesus Christ

and actually do a miracle, right?

That's true, but if you
don't perform a miracle,

I might have to have
your ass locked up

for psychiatric evaluation.

That's right, Jesus.
Either you perform a miracle

to prove that you are the Son of God,

and I can make my $ ,

or, uh, about eight dudes
in them white jackets

[CHUCKLES] will take you
to the crazy house.

[BLABBERS]

Where she at?!

Aw, sh*t.

Hey, don't make me raise up
out myself up in here.

What? Don't you see I'm busy?

Busy? Look, when a pimp
wants a fivesome,

a pimp wants a damn fivesome.

- Boonie...
- You can't just stroll away

- from no sex like that.
- [GAVEL BANGS]

JUDGE HOMEY: Order!
And who the hell are you?

Who the hell am I?

This here Tookie.

Tookie Ross, and I'm here
to stake my claim.

Oh, so Jesus done made you sober, too?

What? No. Hey,

I'm here to claim
this woman right here.

I'm about to make you Queen
Bee over all these b*tches.

Boonie, I know your crazy ass

ain't sayin' what I think you sayin'.

What you think I'm tryin' to say?

You want me out there
doin' somethin' strange

for some damn change?

Bet. That's what I'm sayin'.

[LAUGHS] That's my boy right there,

- coming up on some game. Yeah.
- Game hell.

That n*gga done lost
his damn mind, Ms. Tudi.

- Order in Homey's Court!
- Hey, fool.

Don't you know I'm above the law?

g*dd*mn it, and after I handle
my bidness with these b*tches,

- I might rent one out to you.
- All I know is

I ain't doin' that freaky sh*t.
Talk to him, Jesus.

Boone, you trippin'.
We in a court of law, man.

Hey, man, I told you,
Tookie possessed my soul.

No, he didn't. You not possessed, man.

He didn't? Well, why I'm doing this?

You g*dd*mn right, God damn it.

When a pimp say
he want somethin' done,

all you fools better recognize.

Reggie, get his ass up out of here!

Okay, Milk Dud. Time to go.

I go where I want, when I want.

I think you're gonna go now.

- Where are we?
- You in Homey's Court.

Let's go.

And where is Homey's Court?

It's on television.

- And is television real or fake?
- It's fake.

Which makes this g*n right here...

- Fake-ass bullshit, man.
- God damn it.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

God damn it, I will rip your colon out

- and put it up your ass...
- Boonie, what done got into you?

Ooh, you done changed.

- Come on, dawg.
- Jesus, do something.

He done lost his damn mind!

Oh, no, no, no. He ain't lost nothin'.

He gained some swag.

See, I always knew

that you was gonna grow
up and be somebody.

Now you and I, we can run
the family business.

Bitch, this my business!
You work for me!

Jesus, come get
this crazy mother fucker

because he has lost his damn mind.

Boone, I'm telling you, brah,
you are not possessed, dawg.

He is possessed!

Possessed by the soul of Tookie.

I wasn't afraid of him
when he was alive,

and I sure the hell
ain't scared of him

while he in this fat-ass teddy bear.

[ALL GASP]

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- That's right. That's right.
- Hold on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look. Free cocaine.

- Where?
- In your nads!

Uh-huh. Yeah.

A b*llet might not have k*lled you,

but maybe this blade will.

[ALL GASPING]

♪♪

- Ohh!
- [LAUGHS]

I knew you had it in you.
Look at you. Gangster.

King Kong ain't got sh*t on me!

Damn. My baby sound just like Denzel.

Boo, maybe we can start
with a foursome or somethin'.

Maybe later. Right now,

I got to take this n*gga's life!

- [ALL GASP]
- Boonie!

Whoa!

The f*ck you doin', dawg?
You trippin'.

You about to take this man's life.

I know.

I told you, Jesus.

Tookie Ross done took over your boy.

Fivesomes? Sixsomes?

Man, you know I'm just down
for a onesome

when I can talk myself into it.

Tried to tell you I'm possessed.

Boonie, you not...

f*ck it. I'm gonna do this.

[SIGHS]

Evil spirit, demon...

- Tr*mp?
- No, man, this Tookie Ross.

Leave the homey alone!

Cast yourself from this man!

Begone!

[BLUBBERING]

♪♪

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

♪ Hoo ♪
[LAUGHS] sh*t.

[SIGHING]

Hey. Thanks, Jesus.

Yeah, thank you, Jesus,

for proving you can perform a miracle.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

Well, judging from the miracle
I just witnessed here,

and the fact that
Lloyd was a drunken bastard

and is now sober,

I have no choice but to rule
in favor of the plaintiff.

- [LAUGHING]
- Hey, hey, hey.

Shut the f*ck up! I'm not done.

Mr. Jesus, I sentence you

to hours of community service.

Um, what about my $ ?

Sorry, Lloyd.
Community service. That's it.

I've got $ comin'.

Somebody owe me fuckin dollars.

You know f*ck Homey Court.

f*ck and f*ck you, Judge.

And your fuckin guard over there,

y'all ain't sh*t f*ck all y'all.

f*ck everything, f*ck the carpet,

f*ck the color of this place,

f*ck the lights, f*ck the air in...

[SNIFFS] The stinking air, f*ck y'all.

f*ck that camera. f*ck y'all

I don't give a f*ck about this sh*t

Got my ass out here,
think I'm gonna get my $ .

I gotta buy some soap! My ass stink!

ANNOUNCER: Coming up next,
"Whose baby is it anyway?"