03x03 - Gwen or Lose

[bunniefuu]

Here we go ladies, here we go.

Soft hands, light feet.

Looking good, Panthers.

You too, Coach. Very cute.

Cute coaching.

- Okay.
- [giggles]

That's not something
you need to shout about.

Ah, just feels good to be back

on these old bleachers, you know.

Watching my man k*ll it on the court.

Let me ask you this, is it
weird to be atop the bleachers

instead of dry-grinding beneath them?

You know, I did do some
of my best work down there.

Oh, but I took a peep earlier,

and it's a real Templeton
the Rat situation.

- That's no good.
- All this popcorn.

Don't want that going
up your you-know-what.

No, you don't. Oh, speaking of rats,

I told my mother.

- What?
- Yup.

- About you and Mark?
- Yes, sir.

How'd she take it?

She said, "Why are you telling me?"

- That sounds about right.
- Yeah.

Kick it up strong! We
have to b*at Danbury!

This town takes its ladies
basketball very seriously.

Yeah, we do, it's the
Pinebrook Invitational.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- And we keep losing to Danbury,

but not this year, okay?

This year we're shutting it down,

'cause everyone's getting involved.

Mark is coaching, I'm reffing...

Oh, my God, Mom?

What the hell are you doing here?

And why are you wearing an elastic pant?

That's a rather strong reaction

to a woman taking a light jog.

I'm here to play.

Basketball?

You realize it's a sport.

You have to run.

It's all part of my Gwennaissance.

Oh, God.

A transformation of the mind and body.

Oh!

- Yes.
- Nice.

Mark! Alley-oop!

Alley what?

Nice.

Have to win it... what?

Don't encourage this.

It was a phenomenal layup.

Ugh.

A layup is when you dribble the ball...

I don't care what a layup is.

You'd care what a lay-down is, though.

- All right.
- Oh, nailed it.

[Say Hi's "Back before
We Were Brittle" playing]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪

♪ All of time stood still ♪

♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

Whew, man, it's too
bad I'm working so much

right now, Mark, 'cause
I'd love to give you

a little of this old razzle-dazzle.

- Hey!
- Ooooh!

Uh-oh. Steph Curry in the house, huh?

- Mags, love that you're reffing.
- Oh, thanks.

But it would really help me out

if you could not call fouls

when Mary Pat starts throwing the elbs.

Oh, no sir.

When the stripes go on,

I'm not your friend.

- I respect that.
- [whistles]

Intentional foul.
Unsportsmanlike conduct.

- You're outta here!
- Come on, ref!

Wow, I'm loving all these
basketball words, guys.

[both laugh]

Hey, Mark, when were you gonna tell me

that my mom joined the team?

Oh, I didn't know
that was something I...

I needed to tell you.

You don't think it's convenient

that just days ago

I told my mother that we're together

and suddenly she wants to
get all up in your business?

I think she just wants to have fun

and get some exercise
like everybody else.

Yeah, I don't think this is about you.

It's always about me, guys!

When are you gonna get that
through your thick skulls?

She's obsessed with me.

She even dyed her hair

so she could look more like me.

Okay, you guys got a
bunch of basketballs

shoved up your butts, and
you're not seeing straight.

I'm sorry, what would our buttholes

have to do with our vision?

Like, why would basketballs
preclude us from seeing...

Why would basketballs in our anus

and have anything to do
with our ocular abilities?

I am telling you this.

When a Crawford willingly chooses

to be seen in a pair of shorts,

something terrible's afoot.

- Well, that's true.
- That is true.

And you need to think fast!

Whoa! What was that?

- Was that a pass?
- No.

I was trying to hit you in the head.

Well, that's a...
[whistles] technical foul.

Your face is a technical foul!

- You're outta here!
- You're outta here!

- That's basketball?
- That's baseball.

That's baseball. I don't care.

You better hit the showers, young lady.

Yeah, hit the showers.

- I'll be there in a minute.
- Gross.

[baby coos]

What's going on, CharBar?

You not hungry? Should
we try the other side?

Well, looks like it's
just the girls tonight.

What happened with Mark?

He canceled on me because my mother

is hosting a team-only
screening of "Hoosiers."

That is my number-one sports film.

Gene Hackman, Barbara
Hershey, a couple of unknowns

fighting for their sh*t at glory...

Super weird, one, that
that's your favorite movie.

Well, that, "Silence of the Lambs,"

and also "Brigadoon."

That makes no sense,
and if you profiled that,

it would mean you are a psychopath.

- Secondly...
- Or a genius.

I don't understand.
She never liked Mark.

I mean, the whole time
we dated in high school,

he was not invited to our house once.

Well, she seems to like him now.

Oh, my God. That's it.

She's trying to break us up.

- Why would she do that?
- I don't know.

- But I'm gonna find out.
- [baby coos]

What is going on with you, baby girl?

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

She doesn't want to nurse.

No, it's like she doesn't give a hoot

about these old boobers anymore.

Well, maybe she's weaning?

- She's not weaning.
- I mean, she's one years old.

Yeah, but this is also our
special cuddle time together.

You're gonna have other
special cuddle time,

even when she's not sucking
on those mammer jams.

It might be nice to have
them back to yourself.

Maybe it's 'cause I've been
at the hospital so much.

I mean, she's been
spending a lot of time

with Bruce and Cookie.

There you go. When there's a problem,

it's best to always first blame Bruce.

- Okay.
- Just like my mom.

Are we still talking about this?

Where are your shorts?

P-p-p-p-popcorn! Popcorn!

- S-s-s-s-soldier Field!
- [feedback blares]

Wow, that's a sweet setup, Bruce.

Yeah, when Caruso
Construction sponsors an event,

we go all out.

- Yeah.
- Check these babies out.

Are these the new jerseys?

Fresh off the presses.

Wow!

That panther really
hates that basketball.

- Coach Mark!
- Aha, there she is!

My MVP! All right. What's going on?

- Coach Mark!
- All right.

Ooh, a little pinky swear. I like that.

Hey, thanks so much for
hosting us last night.

- "Hoosiers."
- Yes.

Ahh, seminal film.

Really highlights the importance

of the coach-player relationship.

Yeah. Sometimes I wish that
Gene Hackman was my father.

Well, as your star player,

I would really love to hear your, uh...

Your approach to coaching.

- Okay.
- And... and life.

- Effort is everything.
- Yup.

Uh, never forget the intangibles.

- Good.
- And, uh, stats are overrated.

Hmm. How do you feel about rebounding?

It's a crucial part of the game.

Very interesting.

But sometimes when
one rebounds, you know,

you touch the ball and you
just toss it away too quickly.

Sure, s-sometimes...

And that's when people get hurt.

Gwen, are we still
talking about basketball?

What else would we be talking about?

- Okay.
- Let me ask you about cheating.

Do you condone it?

I have never cheated

on the court or in life.

Emma and I got together after
my divorce was finalized.

Whoa!

Keep your personal
life to yourself, buddy.

This is basketball
we're talking about, man.

Coming in at a respectable
height and weight,

and wearing shorts,

your newest member of
the Pinebrook Panthers,

Emma Crawford!

Let's get ready...

to basketball!

Ugh!

[panting]

Was I close?

All right, everybody, let's huddle up.

Huddle up. Here we go. All right.

Nice work, ladies. Nice work.

- All right.
- Whoo!

Now just a reminder,

if you want to move the ball forward,

you have to dribble it.

- Every time?
- Yes, every time.

Ugh, this game is so hard.

All right. Panthers on three, guys.

All right, you ready? All right.

- One, two, three.
- All: Panthers!

- All right.
- All right.

Okay, ladies.

Uh, hey, Mom, can I
talk to you for a sec?

If it doesn't interfere
with my cool-down.

Hundred free throws.

Oh, God, give it up, Mom.

No one's buying the Larry Bird routine.

I'll have you know I was
all-state in high school.

Spent a semester playing in college

before I met your father.

Why are you spending so
much time with my boyfriend?

He's my coach.

Come on, I know what's going on.

All right? You're
trying to get involved,

get in between the two of us.

Well, you can take your best sh*t,

but I'm gonna block it.

I'm blocking that.

Oh, you're running scared now.

Uggghh!

Ahhh!

Work on your D,

'cause we're gonna need everyone

if we want to b*at Danbury.

Even the weakest link.

Hnngh!

Swish.

[sighs]

God, there is something just so sexy

about a man with an iron.

Is there now?

You like this, huh? Oh, yeah.

- Little of this?
- Oh, yeah.

Get your back into it.

Oh, that's hot.

You know what, honey? I got to tell you,

you are a profound
detriment to our team.

But boy, it's great having you around.

Anything I can do to support my man.

- You just call me Tami T.
- Okay.

But at the same time, I do
need you to quit this team.

[laughs] I'm not quitting the team.

Mark, I am not joking around.

This is important. My mom is...

- I talked to your mom.
- Whoa, whoa, what?

Everything is fine. It's all handled.

Coach to player.

Okay, you need to understand something.

My mother does not like you.

She has never liked you.

And that's something
you feel like you needed

to say to me out loud?

I feel it's important

that you know what
you're dealing with, okay?

Hey, with the way things
are going between you and I,

I think it's important

that I learn how to
get along with your mom.

Why? I don't get along with my mom.

Okay. I'm gonna finish this up at home.

Why? Ugh. Wow.

This is exactly what she wants.

She wants to drive a wedge between us.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

I really need you to get some rest.

All right? 'Cause we got
ourselves a big game tomorrow.

Okay, well, just FYI,

that was very Coach
Taylor to my Tami T.,

and I am into it, y'all.

'Cause the clear eyes
and the full pants...

We'll win.

Okay.

[giggling]

Mags, devil's at the doorstep,

and Mark is just inviting her right in.

That's vampires.

Vampires are the ones
you have to invite in.

Let me remind you, Maggie,

that when Mark proposed to me,

it was my mother who
told me to leave for China

and not tell him.

Oh, and who did it? Did you do it?

Or did your mom do it?

- Okay...
- I'm pretty sure it was you.

I think that's off-topic.

You could've stayed. You
could've married Mark.

But you didn't. You went to China

and totally ghosted him.

My mother is meddling. I assure you.

That was a long time ago, okay?

Your mom has changed.

That's definitely not what's happening.

Well, maybe she's attempting to change,

and you are stopping her.

Ugh, these theories, Maggie.

You got to work on 'em.

What is going on with these PJs?

Oh, they're too small. You know what?

Let me put 'em in the donate pile.

[high-pitched] You're not
giving away her teddy bears.

Oh, no, what is that voice?

- She needs her teddy bears.
- No, that's crazy.

These are her favorite teddy bears.

Maggie, her toe is busting
out of them Hook-style.

No, no, no, no.

What, did you shrink them?

- She's growing up.
- Well, I don't like it.

Okay? I'm working so much

and I'm never here, and it's
all going by way too fast,

and it's hurting my feelings.

I know, but we don't want
her to stay a baby forever,

like Benjamin Button.

No, he doesn't stay a baby forever.

- He ages backwards.
- What? Why?

That's why it's a curious case.

Ugh. Not interested.

Aagh, I can't keep my underwear
from riding up in these shorts.

That's why I free ball it.

Swing, swing, ding, ding. Got it?

No, I don't got it.

[sighs]

[grunting]

Really, Mom? Magic Johnson?

What? It's my basketball name.

You know that's a real person.

Yeah. Earvin Magic Johnson, Jr.

Who could forget his
epic rivalry with Bird

or his... his return to glory
in the ' All-Star game?

Not to mention he has
exquisite taste in suits.

[sighs] Mom, I'm sorry.

Please. Call me Magic.

Magic, I-I'm sorry.

I thought you were just
meddling in my business again,

but apparently you really
do love this crazy sport.

- I do.
- Yeah.

So let's go out there and...

make a brick, or whatever.

- [laughs]
- Ladies.

Let's take a knee.

- Okay, you guys, it's game time.
- Yeah!

Some people think that

when you get to the
top of the mountain...

- Mark...
- That's the...

- Mark.
- Yep?

I'd like to say a few words.

Okay, all right, I was...

I thought I was doing that, but...

Comrades in sport,

I have truly enjoyed the last few weeks.

However, like Lance Armstrong
in the Tour De France,

I have a confession to make.

- I knew it.
- She's on roids.

Mary Pat...

The reason I joined this team

was really to investigate
the romantic relationship

between my daughter and Coach Mark.

Can I definitely, definitely
take back my apology?

Nope. You already said it.

Okay, now that we got
all that out of the way,

let's go play some basketball, right?

- long years ago...
- Son of a g*n.

When Mark proposed to Emma,

I counseled her to say
no and flee to China.

This is not really the time for this.

What? You told your
daughter not to marry me?

- I did.
- Okay...

But what made me feel
really bad is that...

[sighs] That night, when
you came to the door...

He came to the door?

Yes, of course I came to the door.

Like a wet golden retriever
looking for his ball.

So I lied and said that
you'd already left for China,

when in fact, you were upstairs
blubbering on your daybed.

- She was upstairs?
- Unbelievable.

Oh, God, that is such a
weight off my shoulders.

- Okay, Panthers on three.
- You were upstairs.

No, no, no. I...

All: One, two, three. Panthers!

Let's go, girls. I
can smell the victory.

Get back on D, guys. Get
your hands up, please!

You have to wonder what's going on

with the Panthers tonight.

They're getting absolutely demolished

by the Danbury Dragons.

Speaking of demolitions,

your experts at Caruso
Construction are here

to help you get rid of that
old shed, carport, or gazebo.

- [whistle blast]
- Again, Mark,

I am just so sorry.

I mean, I knew my mom didn't like you,

but I had no idea she
would stoop that low.

Emma, it was a long time ago.

I can't talk about that right now.

I am focused on keeping Mary Pat

out of foul trouble.

Can we talk about it later?

- [sputtering] Go! Sit down!
- Okay.

- Bug off!
- [whistles]

Nine blue. Pushing.

- Come on!
- Time out red.

Keep the elbows in, Mary Pat.

Please. You're like
a windmill out there!

Maggie. Maggie!

Yeah, Mr. Nanjiani, what's up?

The Panthers could use some help.

Maybe this international calling
card can sweeten the deal?

- Are you trying to bribe me?
- No way.

But maybe Charlotte might travel
abroad and want to call Mommy.

She's a baby. She's not going abroad.

Okay? Game on!

Please, Maggie, I got a
lot of money on this game!

Stay on her!

The Panthers are really laying an egg.

[squeaks]

I don't like the way we're
running the pick-and-roll.

Oh, yeah? Well, I guess
there's a lot of things

you don't like about me.

What is his problem?

His problem? You are the problem.

Oh, please, I'm slicing their D

like a hot Kn*fe through butter.

Emma, why don't you
go sub in for Mary Pat?

Mom, what don't you like about Mark?

Can we not do this right now?

Is it 'cause he's not
a fancy businessman?

Because he lives in
an apartment building

filled with divorcees and strippers?

That's unsavory.

Is it 'cause he hasn't
had one hair on his head

since he was years old?

Can I ask you to list all the
things that are wrong with me

after the game?

I'm trying to work something out here!

Great idea!

Though I must say, I don't know why

anyone with a head that looks like that

would choose to be bald.

It's genetic!

Maggie, you got to throw
me out of this game.

Gwen and Emma are driving me insane.

Can't just throw you out for no reason.

Maggie, please!

Got to give me a reason, Coach.

Yeah, well, you know what?

You should open an agency,
because that was a travel!

I respectfully disagree, sir.

- [blows whistle]
- That was a travel.

Traveling! Blue ball!

Okay. All right. I
see what you're doing.

You need to understand something.

Mark is here to stay, okay?

Mom, stop sipping that sports drink!

What, you don't want me
to replace my electrolytes?

God, why do you not want me to be happy?

All I want is for you to be happy.

Then stop trying to break us up!

[sighs] Emma, I left
college my sophomore year

to marry your father.

Yes, I've heard all about it.

Yeah, but you haven't heard...

I regretted it for the rest of my life.

Except for you.

You're the thing I'm most proud of.

- Mom...
- I didn't want you to settle,

like I did.

I wanted you to have a chance to...

To go out and... And
experience the world.

Is that what all this
Gwennaissance stuff

has been about?

It gave me a chance to
chase my hoop dreams.

Well, you do have a
natural talent for...

the bouncing of the balls or whatever.

Hey, ref! Ref!

You want a trumpet?
Because you're blowing it!

How about... how about you
check your answering machine,

'cause you're missing calls!

- Hey, watch yourself, Coach.
- You know what?

I just hope Charlotte
starts walking soon,

so you know what walking looks like.

What did you say to me?

I said, I just hope
Charlotte walks soon,

so you know what walking looks like.

Because... wait. Wait,
why are you crying?

No, no, no, Maggie. I'm sorry.

I... I take that back. Why
would you say that to me?

Ref, we need a time-out.

Gwen, you can't call a
time-out from the bench.

I'll allow it.

I think we could all
use a time-out right now.

- [buzzer sounds]
- Oh, there it goes.

We're just done then, huh?

An unorthodox time-out call

from the MVP on the Panthers bench.

And speaking of benches,

Caruso Construction is
here to help you tackle

all of your benching needs.

Mags? Mags, are you okay?

I just... I feel like
Charlotte's growing up too fast.

[exhales] Yeah.

But you know what, Mags?

Remember when she was a newborn

and we thought there
could be nothing better

than those sweet smiles?

Right.

And then she started crawling.

And we thought nothing
could be better than that.

And then she said her first
words, and it was like...

The best thing that ever happened.

Yeah.

There's just gonna keep
on being new best things

all the time, because you're
doing such an amazing job

as a mom that she feels
comfortable trying new things.

Maybe I'll be a worse mom.

What could I have said different

so that you wouldn't
say that about yourself?

You're the best, Mags.

You're a good dad, too, Bruce.

Thanks, Mags.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go sh**t people
in the face with T-shirts.

- What's that now?
- Mm-hmm.

Mark, I'd like to clear something up.

O-okay.

When you proposed to Emma,

I did have my reservations.

But since then, you
followed your dreams.

You've found your way
back to one another,

and clearly, it's meant to be.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Therefore,

I give you my blessing.

That means a lot. In the
future, I would really...

I promise, I will refrain

from meddling in your relationship.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Thank you very much.

Just promise me one thing:
you won't get married outdoors.

- Mom...
- It's not meddling.

- It's good taste.
- What are you doing?

Enough of this kissy-kissy,
huggy-huggy crap.

- Let's play some ball!
- You said it, Mary Pat.

Get out there, ladies.
Quick, get out there.

- Let's get ready to basketball!
- Not you.

Pinebrook down by . Five to play.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Another basket for my ma!

Ball, ball!

- Yes!
- Hoop, there it is!

Good steal, Gwen, good steal!

♪ ♪

And the Panthers have
made a huge comeback

thanks to the fantastic
play of Magic Johnson!

I can't believe I get to say that.

[whistle blows]

Panthers are down by one.

They've got to hustle!

You're getting trapped.
You're getting trapped!

Mom, I'm free! I'm free!

Mary Pat! Get it to Mary Pat!

Back to Mary Pat!

I'm free!

Oh, all right.

- Johnson to Crawford!
- Oh, my God.

- She's got it!
- sh**t it!

Five, four...

sh**t it!

That way!

- Two!
- sh**t it!

♪ ♪

[buzzer sounds]

[blows whistle]

Game over.

Nuts.

The Dragons win.

[somber squeak]

[sighs]

This is why I don't do things with you.

I love you too, Mom.

No! I just lost my house!

I'm sorry, guys.

Ready? Here we go.

- Whoo!
- Alley-oop!

Baby, see, you're gonna
be dunking in no time.

As long as she doesn't learn from Emma.

You know we never found that ball.

You know what? It was a moral victory.

Like in "Hoosiers."

Oh, they actually win in that movie.

- "Mighty Ducks"?
- No, they win in that too.

- Mm-hmm.
- Come on.

How's a bunch of ducks
win a hockey game?

They don't have hands.

- [laughs]
- I shouldn't even...

- Use your brain.
- Mags, look.

[gasps] That's a walk!

That was a walk.

I think she has my coordination.

God, I hope not.

You did it!