03x04 - Paging Doctor Yes Please

[bunniefuu]

I gotta say, for a hospital cafeteria,

that a was a very good hoagie.

- Yeah. Refreshing, right?
- Yeah.

Ooh! Hey, Mags.

Can I take some of this gauze home?

What do you need gauze for?

Sometimes I like to wrap Charlotte up

- like a little mummy.
- Don't touch anything.

You're gonna get me in trouble.

Maggie... Oh, hey, Emma.
Did you guys hear about

the guy in room ?

- Uh-uh, what?
- Secret vasectomy.

Wait, what is that?

He's got six kids, and
he doesn't want anymore.

So he told his wife he was
coming in for an appendectomy.

Well, he's a third of the
way to a Duggar's situation.

- So can you blame him?
- No, I can't.

[gasps] Winter is coming!

- What?
- Oh, my God. Get out of here.

You gotta get out of here.
You can't be behind here.

- Paging Dr. Yes Please.
- You are heavier than you look.

[papers ruffling]

Hey.

Just got some test... uh, the
samples of the test that...

Back. [clears throat]

I just actually wanted
to ask you a favor.

Yeah, what is it?

The hospital is doing
a promotional video

all about the nurse's
program, and I thought of you.

- Oh. For what?
- To be in the video.

I think you'd be perfect for it.
You're one of our best nurses.

- Oh.
- You know,

I did some summer stock. [chuckles]

I was in an all male
production of "Kiss Me Kate."

It was very edgy.

Very raw.

I was Kate.

Jeff, there are so many other things

that you should be doing right now.

[shoes tapping]

How's that? No.

So, look. You don't have to be in it,

but I'm gonna do it, and I thought

maybe we could do it together?

- I will do it.
- You will?

- Yup.
- Well, that's great.

- That's great.
- Yeah. Great.

- Thank you.
- Thank you for thinking of me.

- Good.
- [clears throat]

All right.

See you in the hallway.

What was that? Who is that guy?

He's Dr. Ericson. Dr. Popsicle.

Oh, my God. This is just
like "Pride and Prejudice."

- Just with worst clothes.
- Hey, they're scrubs.

I've told you. I'm not allowed
to cinch them at the waist.

I'm gonna start planning your wedding.

- Okay, you're overreacting.
- And I'm taking this gauze.

Put it back!

For the veil.

You're not as graceful
as you think you are.

♪ Hey, remember when ♪

♪ All of time stood still ♪

- ♪ Ooh! ♪
- ♪ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

I can't believe you're
eating a family sized plate

of spaghetti at : in the morning.

- I'm carbo-loading.
- For what?

I volunteered to teach
a bike safety class

for the community center.

- Wait, what are you eating?
- Cantaloupe.

- Like a normal person.
- That was my head melon!

What a head melon?

A head melon is the
melon I hand to a child

to smash against the
pavement at the end of class

so they'll see what'll happen
if they don't wear a helmet.

Okay, that's horrifying.
Never do that to children.

We give it a name so they'll
develop an attachment.

- What are you talking about?
- And once it's smashed,

I bring out two smaller
melons to grieve.

Good morning!

Ooh! Lookie, lookie.
Who stole the cookie now?

You've stepped it up to a smoky eye.

Yeah, today's the video sh**t.

Is that why we did it?

For the video sh**t? Yeah.

- Or is it for Dr. Ericson?
- No.

Who is Dr. Ericson?

He's a handsome doctor
that Maggie's in love with

- who's also in love with Maggie.
- None of that is true.

- Did you put on a push-up bra?
- Hey, hands off the merch!

'Cause they're up, and
they're ready to play.

I'm wearing different scrubs, okay?

So I had to wear a different bra.

- Is he single?
- I don't know anything

about his personal life
because all we talk about

are bedpans and bloody sheets.

Well, I've seen enough
"US Weeklys" to know

that the stars... They are just like us.

And when you guys get together on set...

Mmm! That magic's gonna explode.

Okay, well, he's not a star.

He's a doctor. A very gifted doctor.

You know, doctors know
all of the appropriate

medical terminology for
your erogenous zones.

Hey, Zach, not in front of Charlotte.

A masseuse once stimulated
my popliteal fossa so much

- I had to excuse myself.
- Oh, Zach!

It's the back my knee.

Wow, this is a lot of people, right?

Yeah. I'm nervous. Are you nervous?

Really? You don't seem nervous.

- Well...
- You never do.

Yeah, I'm just good
at faking it, really.

Um.

Have you done something
different with your hair?

Uh, yeah. Just a little beachy wave.

- It's nice.
- I also have on a push-up bra.

- Me too.
- I don't know why I said that.

- What?
- Sorry. What?

I thought you said you do push-ups.

What did you say?

I wish that is what I had said,

but I said that I have on a push-up bra.

I'm not, by the way.

I'm not... I didn't put one on today.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Yo, yo! My stars!

How's it going? You feel stoked?
Feel stoked? You look beautiful.

What's happening?

- What's up? You're gorgeous.
- No.

- What's up, handsome?
- Hello.

I'm the director. My name is Duff. Okay?

So basically, when I say action,

I need you to be a doctor

and you to be a nurse.

Okay, well that should be easy

because he's a doctor and I'm a nurse.

Oh, dip! You're already there!

- You're already in character.
- Mmhmm.

I need you two to have
a connection, okay?

Okay.

Beyond the doctor/nurse relationship,

there's something underneath, right?

You're not just coworkers.

There's a vibe. There's a magic.

You gotta catch it.

Do you get it?

- Uh, yeah.
- [stammers]

- Yeah, probably.
- Absolutely.

'Cause that magic

- that we create together...
- Yeah.

That's the stuff that's
gonna win us those Dusters.

Right. Sorry. What's a duster?

Oh, that's basically the
Oscars for industrials.

- Yeah.
- I got two of them.

One for a CostCo spot I did last month,

- and then I worked with Merrill.
- Meryl Streep?

Lynch. All right, we got five.

Let's do this! Let's make this magic!

Right. So this guy is a complete idiot.

I might totally understand
if you want to bail,

but please don't

'cause I don't think I
can do this without you.

Are you kidding, man? I
want one of those Dusters.

- I do, too.
- I want that Duster

- on my shelf, yo.
- Oh, yes please.

Now, remember:

"Wear your helmet like a hat, or..."

- Do it, Vernon.
- "Your brain goes splat!"

Oh, no!

No!

Okay. You guys put your helmets on,

and ride like the wind.

Go! Hiya!

[chuckling]

Hiya!

Great class, Zach.

Charlotte loves cantaloupe.

Bruce! What are you doing here?

And this little angel's
too young for bike riding.

I'm not here for Char-bar.

I'm here for
I-don't-know-how-to-ride-a-bike.

What'd you say?

[mumbling]
I-don't-know-how-to-ride-a-bike.

What's that?

I don't know how to ride a bike.

A grown man who can't ride a bike?

What's wrong with you?

Shut up, Vernon.

You don't know how to drive a car.

- Nailed it.
- Well, no, Bruce.

You didn't nail it
because Vernon is a child.

So no one expects him
to be able to drive,

but you're a grown man.

- You-you can't ride a bike?
- You're right, Zach.

Also, I apologize, Vernon.

I didn't realize you're a child.

- It's okay.
- I'm gonna get going.

Bruce, do you want me to offer
to teach you to ride a bike?

- That's right.
- Yeah, I thought so.

- I'll do it.
- You don't... if you want.

- You want to?
- But first, I want you to

- clean up this melon.
- Is it a lesson?

Is it... is this, like, "Karate Kid?"

- Sure, Bruce.
- Melon on, melon off.

Here at Pinebrook Memorial Hospital,

the doctors work hand
in hand with nurses

to provide patients with
the best care possible.

- Here's that file, Doctor.
- Thank you very much.

[clears throat] 'Cause
we're not just coworkers.

We're family.

- And cut!
- [bell ringing]

Oh! You guys are
crushing it. Let's lunch!

So, um... sorry about the...
Putting my arm around you.

Oh, yeah. I noticed that you did that.

Yeah, it's just I felt it in the moment

- so I just wanted to...
- It was nice, it was, uh...

It was a nice moment to feel.

Good.

Well, um,

I'm gonna go and get
one of those sandwiches

I've been hearing so much about.

Oh, yeah. Those have
been out for a while

so maybe hit the cafeteria.

- Good call.
- [chuckles]

So, yeah. Okay.

- See you after lunch.
- All right.

"Good call?"

"Felt it in the moment?"
This is writing itself.

What are you doing here? You
can't just keep showing up.

That was electric.

- What are you talking about?
- You and Dr. E.

It was, like, "The Notebook."

I was gonna pull an alarm
and just have it rain down.

Did you see him put his arm around me?

- Uh, that wasn't in the script.
- I know!

So here's the next step.

I want you to go over there and
ask him to have lunch with you.

- No. I can't.
- Yes.

- No, no. Right now?
- Yes. Yes, you can.

And don't you worry about me

'cause I got one of those
hoagie's in my purse.

Okay. I'll do it.

Go get him, Gosling.

Whoa. Who's that woman
in the chunky wedge?

Both: Oh, no.

Guess we're going
halfsies on that hoagie.

[sighs]

I already ate half.

- I don't buy it.
- They kissed on the mouth.

She kissed him,

and there is no way that
Colin Firth is attracted

to a woman wearing a chunky wedge.

Well, if that's the
kind of woman he wants,

he obviously isn't
interested in this old rag.

- Hey, ladies.
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

What do you know about the woman

that Dr. E's been running around with?

Not much, but her
name is Apryl with a Y,

she's a producer from New York,

she has a Missoni bag,
which I know is real

because I checked. She
spends her summers in Naples

and her winters in Jersey City,

and she was spotted with
Dr. Ericson last night

- eating fro-yo.
- Do you think that they're,

like, together? 'Cause we saw them kiss.

Oh, my God, of course they did!

I have to go tell Nancy
down in the morgue.

She's gonna die!

Oh. [chuckles]

God, what am I thinking?

Of course salt-and-pepper
gorgeous doctor

with a gift for healing people is taken.

I'm sorry, Cathy Cartoon.

Sweat, sweat, tears. Cats, chocolate!

- Not a current reference.
- Not interested!

Now I want you to get
down there and charm him

with your signature body rolls.

How am I gonna work body
rolls into a nursing video?

You'll find a way. Come on.

Give me some of those body rolls.

Yeah. Okay!

Yeah!

I still don't feel good.

Don't worry, Charlotte. Don't be afraid!

She's not afraid, Bruce. You're afraid.

I'm gonna hold on to
you till we get going,

- then I'm gonna let go.
- Don't let go. Never let go.

Well, relax.

If you fall down, you're
gonna get back up again.

- Chumbawamba?
- I don't know what that is.

[sighs] Doesn't matter.

My dad always used to say to me,

"If you fall down, stay down.

"Play dead, Bruce.

That's the only way
you'll ever survive."

That is extremely disturbing.

I really just want to be able
to teach Char-bar one day.

You're a good dad, Bruce.

You are, too, Zach.

Okay.

- Now keep your head up.
- Okay.

Don't look at the ground.

Look where you want to go.

There you go!

No, no, no, no. Don't
look at the ground!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

[coughing] Ow!

Well, that's a lesson
for you, Charlotte.

Ow! [groans]

- This...
- Oh, God!

Is what it sounds like
when a grown man cries.

Look, I want you to remember your lines,

and then forget them.
Okay, I think I got it.

Also, you have a secret,
but don't tell me what it is.

Let us know that you have
one, but don't tell the secret.

Okay, I'm a little confused on that one.

Shh!

[snaps fingers] It's a secret.

Maggie. Hi.

- Hey.
- It's your big scene.

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

So I missed you at lunch.

I saved you a seat.

Oh, I thought you had other plans.

All right! Pictures up!

Roll sound, please!

Um, do you mind if I watch?

That wouldn't make you nervous?

No, I'd love for you to watch.

Great.

'Cause I'd love to watch you.

Sorry. Yeah. That's... Okay.

Uh, yes. Good luck.

- Thank you.
- With it.

- Clear the set!
- Okay!

Thanks, Jimmy.

Everybody set?

And action!

Here at Pinebrook Memorial,

we believe that hands-on experience

is the best way to learn.

That's why we pair
our nurses with doctors

with doctors with doctors

with hands-on experience
on your shoulders

and secret whispers.

♪ Pinebrook Memorial ♪

♪ We're doing it right ♪

♪ All night ♪

♪ And we're doing it, and doing it ♪

- ♪ And doing it right ♪
- Cut! Cut!

All right! Okay.

Good, good, good. I
like your creativity.

This is a dialogue, right? Yeah, yeah.

Let's just do it again,

but can we have absolutely no singing?

- 'Cause it's super weird.
- No!

No? It's not a word I like, okay?

I don't say it, and I don't spray it.

Okay, man. I wasn't saying no to you.

There it is again!

I think I just need a little space.

Would you mind backing
off? Listen, sweetie!

You don't have to respect me,

but you will respect my Dusters.

"A duhhh! You gotta respect my Dusters!"

You have a weird hat, man!

- You think my hat's weird?
- Yeah, I think

your hat's weird. I think
you need to control your set.

You got a bunch of wild
cards walking around,

rubbing people's shoulders
in clomp-clomp city

with their chunky wedges,

and I'm not interested.

Okay? So let's take it from the top!

That's my line! Take it from the top!

And action!

He's just such a good guy,
so of course he's taken.

He's Liam Neeson taken. But I know

you two have good
chemistry. I've seen it.

That doesn't mean he
doesn't have a girlfriend.

I'm gonna need to get my
eyes on this situation.

What are you doing?

I'm using the bird's eye view camera

so we'll see if Dr. E and
Chunky Wedge leave together.

We're gonna sit here all
night? That's your plan?

Yeah. I got an eight of
a hoagie left in my purse.

- What's wrong with you?
- Fine.

I'll find another way to get in there.

- Break my leg or something.
- You're not gonna do that.

Yeah. That's right. I'd
break my leg for you.

- Are you surprised to hear that?
- No, you wouldn't.

Yes, I would.

I would snap it in half like
those guys from the Mafia.

Slow your roll, Paulie Walnuts.

Bruce, it is now or never.

Do not look at the ground.

Okay? Look at Charlotte.
It's all for her.

[exhales]

It's working.

I'm riding a bike! [chuckles]

Charlotte, your uncle Zach is a genius.

Where are you going?

Anywhere I want!

We'll pick him up at Sizzler's.

We just have a routine physical in .

Maggie, before we go in,

- can I ask you a question?
- Yes.

It's, uh... It's a lady question.

- Okay.
- Is it normal for a woman

to kiss you full on the lips
every time they meet you?

Is this a woman that you know well?

No. I don't know her at all.

It's the producer from
the video promo sh**t.

I mean, she gives me a full lip plant

every time she meets me. It's, um...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think I...

I feel like I vaguely
remember seeing that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

She said, um, "That's just
how we roll in show business."

Well, that's not true. [chuckles]

I mean, I don't think that's right.

I thought she was your girlfriend.

- What?
- Yeah.

- No.
- No?

No. And she's not my type.

At all.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, um, I think we should probably...

- Oh, yes. Absolutely.
- Yeah. Yeah.

[knocking]

Hello.

Hello, doctor.

And hello, nurse I've never met before.

[mouthing] What are you doing?

So are your hours terrible?

That must be hard for your wife.

I'm not married.

Okay. Her eyes are fine.

Yeah, maybe just check her ears

'cause I don't think she's hearing words

- when people say them.
- What I do have, doctor,

is a huge heart

because I would just do anything
for the people that I love.

And when was the last
time you had a physical?

I don't know. Probably
when I was, like, ten.

- Both: Ten?
- I was very busy as a child.

Right. We're gonna need
to do a full work-up.

Oh, we'll do a full work-up, all right.

So Maggie's gonna do your
blood panel and your vitals.

- I will be right back.
- No, no...

[mumbles] Great. Love that.

I'm gonna straight up m*rder you!

You have taken a Hippocratic oath

not to harm me! Ow!

- Are you crazy?
- Your happiness is on the line,

and now, we know that he's not married.

- You're welcome.
- I already knew that.

- What?
- I also know that Chunky Wedge

is just some floozy from Jersey City

- who can't keep her lips off him.
- So he's single?

Single, and also, right
before we came in here,

- we had a very intense moment.
- Wow. I knew it.

- He likes you. He likes you!
- [both giggling]

Good God.

- Yes. . .
- Hey.

- Just where we want it.
- Yeah.

If you'd just like to lie back,

- we're gonna do a breast exam.
- Both: What's that now?

Well, I mean, you haven't had
a full physical in years.

It's standard protocol,
and Ms. Crawford,

you should be doing a
self-exam every month.

Every month? That's a lot
of action for these old jams.

Okay. If you can just
put your feet up here.

[mouthing] I'm so sorry.

- Okay.
- Yes.

Doctor, you think maybe this is

one of those opportunities for me to get

that hands-on experience

that we've been hearing so much about?

Good idea. Are you okay
with that, Ms. Crawford?

Oh, yes. I prefer the touch of a woman.

All right.

[clears throat]

Wow, now that is a tender touch.

Just from what I can only imagine

would be a very gentle
and skilled lover.

[whispers] Come on, man.

Meet her needs as well as yours.

All right, what's going on?

You guys know each other, don't you?

Um, I think I may have
passed you in the hallway?

Yes, this is my best friend, Emma, okay?

She came here under false pretenses.

I did not sign off on
this, but apparently,

- she also needs a physical.
- I do. I'm sorry.

I'd been hearing so
much about you at home,

so I just wanted to get
my eyes in the situation.

I'm sorry, you've been talking about me?

She has. She can't shut
up about you. Actually...

Okay, I'm so sorry. This
is very unprofessional.

Yeah. It really is.

- What's she been saying?
- Oh, all kinds of things.

She said you had a very intense moment.

Hey, guys, you wanna
dive back into this exam?

Maybe we should do that.

- Hm.
- Um, Dr. Ericson,

- can you, um, check this?
- Sure.

- What is it? What's going on?
- It's probably nothing.

You just haven't had an exam,
so we don't have a baseline.

Oh, is it a lump? 'Cause
I have very lumpy boobs.

Not to brag, but in eighth grade,

Josh Rosenfarb called
me Lumplestiltskin.

- Can you feel that?
- Yeah.

Why are you making that face? Is it bad?

No, it's probably nothing.

I mean, at your age, I mean,
really probably nothing,

but, um, yeah.

We are going to have to run some tests.

Just to make sure.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

I don't know if you're
nervous, but don't be.

I did a lot of Googling last night...

Don't do that. What were you Googling?

Ways you can die before you're .

- Emma...
- Turns out,

I have a bigger chance of, like,

dying in a shark att*ck
than I do of having cancer.

Well, there was that
nurse shark that went crazy

on that woman up by
Mystic, but she fought back.

- She punched him in the nose.
- See. Proves my point.

Nothing to worry about.
I'm not worried, I just...

You know, he brought
us in. He didn't call.

Yeah, but that's just the
kind of class act this guy is.

That's British. Okay?

That's why I'm so excited
you guys are gonna be humping

- each other soon.
- Okay.

[clears throat]

[British accent] Good afternoon, Doctor.

Now, I've got the results from the lab.

It is cancer.

The good news is we've
caught it very early

thanks to Emma being a good friend.

Okay?

Now, I've already made an appointment

with the best surgical oncologist

on the East Coast.

She's a good friend of mine, and, um,

she's agreed to see us tomorrow. Okay?

Emma, I know this is very
difficult news to hear,

but I'd like you to
take this step by step.

The good news is that
we've caught it early.

You're very young,

and all of that is very encouraging.

♪ ♪

I'll tell you what this
is. This is some bullshit!

Hey, in "Terms of Endearment,"
what does she die of?

Is it breast cancer? Google it.

- That was, like, .
- Just Google it! Please!

Debra Winger dies in everything.

"Beaches." She has breast
cancer, doesn't she?

That's what she has. I'm pretty sure.

Google that. We need to know, Maggie!

- I won't. I won't Google it.
- Please Google it, Maggie!

Can you just Google it, please?

Oh, I know, I know.

I know.

You know, if this was just
me, it's, like, whatever.

But then I think about Charlotte,

and I have to be there for her

because, you know,

who's gonna be there to hide her pot?

I don't want you to hide her pot.

- I have to, though.
- No, no, no.

If she wants to do pot,
you come to me, okay?

Maggie, do you think I'm gonna be okay?

I do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't really
know, but, like...

we got the best people
on the case, right?

- Like, the best doctors ever.
- Yeah.

And I have never met a
stronger woman than you

in my entire life.

Okay? So cancer has picked
the wrong duo to mess with.

I'll tell you that much.

And I'm not gonna leave
your side for one second.

I'm gonna be fighting with
you every step of the way.

'Cause I got a real attitude
when it comes to things

- that mess with my friends.
- Hey, Mags!

Guess who wrote his bike
all the way to Danbury?

Bruce!

Yeah, he popped a full wheelie.

Uh, it was actually [indistinct].

It scared him pretty good, but, uh...

What's going on?