03x05 - You Wanna Roll With This

[bunniefuu]

I found it.

What about this tweed jammer
for the doctor's appointment?

- Very Jackie O?
- It's too formal.

You know, she had cancer.
I Googled it last night.

Stop Googling.

I'm gonna put a parent
lock on your computer.

Why don't you put a lock on this?

Hey, does this make you
wanna cure my cancer?

Go back in there, Arsenio Hall.

Hold on then a second.
Does this change things?

If I were just to
throw this on casually?

Who throws on a beret casually?

- Okay.
- Hey, why are we obsessing

- about what we're gonna wear?
- If she likes me,

maybe she's gonna work harder
to get the cancer out of me.

- That's not how it works.
- It is how it works.

Okay, this oncologist is no joke.

She was on "Oprah."

- She was on "Oprah"?
- That's right.

This is Dr. Leslie Rollins.

She is legit the best of the best.

Well, that puts even more
pressure on what I'm gonna wear.

You know what, let's stop by T.J. Maxx,

- get a couple more options, okay?
- Hey, hey, hey...

Maggie, I need an Oprah-level blazer.

All I've got in here is,
like, Steve Harvey at best,

- maybe Ricki Lake.
- Come here.

I don't know why you don't understand.

I do understand.

Are we losing our mind a little bit?

- Little bit.
- Listen to me.

- We got this.
- Are you sure?

I don't know if you've
seen, uh, my binder.

What? What is that?

I made you a little binder, baby girl.

"Cancer, you wanna roll with this?"

[chuckles] When did
you go to Paper Source?

Last night while you were
sleeping. Don't worry about it.

There's one in Rhode Island
that's open till : .

It's got personalized tabs
for appointments or research,

or if you wanted to put various
pamphlets in, or take notes.

Look at this pen. I spent
$ on this pen alone.

Cancer ain't got nothing on these tabs.

Okay. [exhales]

I just need to figure out
what candle to give her.

Oh, my God, you got her a gift?

- That's weird!
- AB-B-G,

Always Be Bringing Gifts.

Okay, that's not the phrase.

Okay, so we've got Scent of Papaya...

- What?
- Whispering Grass,

and my personal
favorite, Papa's Leather.

- Definitely not Papa's Leather.
- Why not?

'Cause nobody wants to smell that.

♪ Hey, remember when. ♪

♪ All of time stood still? ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo. ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle. ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle. ♪

What do you need? Do you need something?

I just kinda feel like
I'm gonna throw up.

Okay, I have gingy; I have cashews.

- Maybe you need to eat something?
- No, I think I'm okay.

[knocking on the door]

What's happening in here?
There's cancer in those boobs?

That's a horrible inconvenience.
Let's get that out.

- [laughs]
- I'm Dr. Rollins.

- You must be Emma.
- I am, I am.

I'm Maggie, her, uh, best friend.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.

Sorry, I don't mean
to be crying so soon.

No, no, you... no, let the tears flow.

This is a safe place.

This is a little overwhelming, isn't it?

I was gonna wear a beret,
and then Maggie said no.

- No beret.
- Oh. [chuckles]

She's doing good, though, right?

- Yeah, she is.
- Yeah.

I'ma tell you one thing.
You're in the best hands,

because I've been doing
this for freaking ever.

And the even better news
is you found the lump,

so now we get to do something about it,

- all right?
- Okay.

I'm gonna tell you what I know.

If I talk too fast, you let me know.

So it looks like the tumor
is only about two centimeters.

It does mean we have to do surgery.

Oh.

But we have a couple of options.

We can do a lumpectomy,

which means I take just the lump,

leave the rest of the breast,
or we do a double mastectomy,

meaning we take both the breasts.

Okay, um, well, what's
gonna keep me the most alive?

- Well...
- 'Cause I have a, um...

I have a one-year-old daughter, and...

I mean, she's not my daughter...

- Yeah, she is.
- She's Maggie's baby,

but I have to just...

- It's okay, it's okay.
- I just wanna, um...

I need to make sure
that I'm here for her.

- Do you understand?
- Yes, got it.

Research shows that a
lumpectomy plus radiation

is just as effective
as a double mastectomy.

But what would you do if you were me?

Every case is different,

but with these results, and your age,

and the fact that you
have a toddler at home,

I would have those boobs off me so fast,

my head would spin. Then take them off.

You don't wanna think about it?

- No, tomorrow, do 'em.
- You heard her.

- Let's take 'em off.
- Take 'em off.

- You girls mean business.
- Both: Yeah.

I don't know if you've seen this binder,

but it says, "Cancer,
you wanna roll with this?"

- I like you two a lot.
- We like you.

- We like everything about you.
- I've thrown a lot at you.

You have questions? Maggie,
what else do we have?

I had all these questions,
but she answered most of them.

All right, you know what,
forget... here, this is my cell.

All right? Call me day or
night, anytime, any questions.

And no Googling.

- I'm the Google.
- Okay.

Can you say that one more time?

No, okay, I get it.

She's your Google. No Googling.

Um, I just have one more question.

Yeah?

Uh, do you think I'm gonna kick it?

- Kick it?
- She means kick it, like die.

Um, I think you're
gonna kick cancer's ass.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're gonna be there to
dance at Charlotte's wedding.

- You think so?
- Yes...

not... not that she has to get married.

We're not gonna force those
kinda decisions on her.

- [laughs] Okay.
- Give me a hug.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

- I'm so glad we found you.
- Good.

Hey, FYI, you might to get
to keep your nips, right?

That's correct. I do a
special nipple sparing surgery.

- Excuse me?
- I do.

She's really proud of her nipples.

Oh, my God... well...

they're just the perfect
ratio of areola to nipple.

Oh, well in that case,
let's go see Dr. Meredith,

to pick out the perfect
boobs for the perfect nips.

[gentle guitar music]

Yeah, they're really
not much to speak of.

What? They're wonderful,

- except for the cancer.
- [laughs]

By the time I'm done with them,

you're gonna have to sell tickets...

- Okay. [laughs]
- Okay?

She's gonna give you
the boobs of your dreams.

I really like the sound of that.

Okay, good, 'cause what
Dr. Rollins and I do...

it's called a one-step reconstruction.

So she's gonna scoop out
all of the breast tissue,

and then right away,

I'm just gonna put in
your brand new implants.

I'm the scooper, she's the boober.

- It's like Cold Stone Creamery.
- [laughs]

Okay, let's put our
fingers on some boobies.

This is a...[laughs]...
it's a suitcase of boobs.

- That's so weird.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- All right...

which one of these feels
most like your boobs?

Um, okay, uh...

- I don't know.
- Really get in there.

Just really feel it.

I don't really touch my boobs that much,

so I don't really know.

- Want me to give it a sh*t?
- Please.

Kay.

Excuse me. Okay.

Kay.

Hm...

Mm-mm.

It's number two.

- Number two it is.
- Drop the mic.

- [laughs]
- It's number two!

All right.

So look, I took the liberty of

putting together a...
a to-go bag here for ya.

- What? For the hospital?
- Yeah.

I'm not bringing this
smelly bag to the hospital.

- Emma, I Febrezed it.
- You Febrezed it?

I Febrezed the whole thing.

I don't know where this has been,

and I don't wanna be a part of it.

Smell it.

- Right?
- Yeah, that's nice.

Lilac. Lilac and lavender.

- What is in here?
- I got...

this has got necessities
and, like, comfort items.

- Comfort items?
- Yeah...

- What is this?
- Like, I... some tube socks,

- three for a dollar.
- Oh, please,

Don't go all out for me.

I just wanted to keep your feet warm.

I also wanted to protect the doctors

from your sharp toes, 'cause
they're not ready for that.

- They don't know that's coming.
- Okay, okay.

I just don't want anybody down there,

for some reason to say, "I'm
checking a staff... oh! My...

"Oh, my veins, squirt,
squirt, squirt," you know.

[both laugh]

I just don't want anybody getting cut.

- Wow, okay.
- In the necessity category,

I had to bring it
back to the old school.

[gasps] Oh, my God, one
of your classic mixes.

DJ Mark, . .

The Crush.

- What am I gonna play this on?
- Shabwams.

What is this? A Walkman?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Is this from evidence?

It's from evidence.
But the socks are fresh,

- as our the jams...
- Yeah, here.

So you got that, and then of course...

let me see... we got the,
uh... my policeman sweatshirt,

which you've been bogarting
anyways, so there you go.

All right, so, uh, I will be by tomorrow

to pick you guys up at : a.m.

- And, um...
- You know what...

Oh, do you want a police escort?

'Cause I can do... I can get
the... [imitates sirens]...

- No, you know what...
- Up top.

No, I actually, um... [clears throat]...

I think that, uh,

I can't have you there tomorrow.

Oh. Okay.

'Cause I was thinking about it, and I...

I really need to just
be strong, you know,

and just, like, get it done,
and I'm afraid if I see you...

That I'm gonna cry, and I don't wanna...

I don't wanna do that tomorrow.

- Absolutely.
- Is that okay?

Absolutely, honey, whatever you need.

Okay.

Whatever you need.

Yeah. Hey...

How are you feeling? Are you cold?

Yeah, I could use another
one of those warm blankets.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm gonna do a special nurse trick.

- Ooh.
- Do my burrito feet wrap.

Ooh, I like seeing
you do your work, girl.

[giggles]

- Where my girls at?
- [both laugh]

All right, you excited
to meet your new boobs?

- That's exciting.
- I am.

First thing's first, all right.

Settle this for us.

What kind music should we
play during the surgery?

You're not gonna hear it, but
we usually do Cyndi Lauper.

She's really going through
a real Pat Benatar phase

- right now.
- Yeah, I want Fleetwood Mac.

Oh, okay, you wanna do
the sexy witch thing?

- I'm on board for that.
- Okay.

- How are you feeling, honey?
- I feel okay.

The anesthesiologist just left,

and he said it would take a little while

for the dr*gs to kick in.

- You wanna pop up?
- Sure.

I'm just mark up your
breasts real quick here.

- [clears throat]
- Your gown.

How long is the surgery gonna last?

It's gonna be about four hours.

Oh, four. That's, uh,
longer than I had thought.

Do you guys stop for snacks?

Ma-Maggie, did you
bring snacks for them?

I didn't.

I could run out and grab something.

- What do you guys like?
- No, no, that's okay.

I'm good. I brought something from home.

I like to have a turkey hoagie
right in the middle of surgery,

- but Laura's more of a salad gal.
- Oh, yeah.

What's that now?

We're kidding. We're not
gonna stop for a hoagie

in the middle of your
surgery. Who does that?

We're focused on you, and only you.

Okay, well, hoagies, I love you, guys.

Uh-oh, okay, looks like
the dr*gs are kicking in.

- Hello?
- [both laugh]

You guys are hoagies.

- We're all hoagies.
- We are.

- Yeah.
- You got our numbers.

I don't know if you need any extra help,

but if... if you wanted me
in there, I'm... I'm a nurse.

She's a really pretty nurse, guys.

Thank you, Maggie,

but you... you did your
job. You got her here.

We're gonna do our job now.
And don't worry about anything.

She's gonna do great.

Gonna go get the show on the road.

- Okay, little hoags.
- [both laugh]

Uh...

so, um, looks like
they're kicking me out,

so I'm gonna get out of here,
but you're gonna do so great,

and I'm gonna be there
right when you wake up, okay?

Okay, I love you, Mama.

I love you too.

Okay. [mouths word]

[sighs]

What are you guys doing here?

Since Mark wasn't allowed to come,

he asked us to come instead.

- [sniffles]
- Permission to hug?

Granted.

[gentle guitar music]

Okay, guys, I'm gonna need backup.

[chuckles]

- You need anything, Maggie?
- Oh, I'm good.

- Thanks again for coming.
- No problem.

'Cause if there's anything you need,

- all you have to do is ask.
- I'm really... I'm... I'm great.

- 'Cause we're here for you.
- Thank you.

[whispers] Thank you.

You want some reading material?

I looked through one of these magazines.

They had pictures of kitchens.

I know women like kitchens, so...

- I do like kitchens.
- Okay, guys, you heard her.

Let's find some more kitchens.

[phone beeps]

- What's that?
- Oh, it's a game I play.

I'm a lonely troll,
and I have to k*ll orcs

in order to get more gold for my clan.

- Hm.
- Yeah. [phone trills]

Oh, no, that's an orc att*ck.

Paul, she doesn't wanna
hear about your game.

- She asked.
- Put it away.

But they'll take my village.

Her friend is in surgery.

Put the game away.
I'll never get him out.

Oh, Maggie, if you're hungry,

I brought some smoked meats.

Oh, wow, that has a...
a real scent to it.

Thank you. I make my own spice rub.

I call it Ian's Song of the South.

You might wanna change that.

You want a taste? It's really moist.

Um, it's tempting.

Uh, I think I'm... I'm actually
gonna go stretch my legs.

Oh, we can stretch 'em for you.

Yeah, we'll stretch your legs.

I'll stretch my own legs, but thank you.

All right.

We'll just hold down the fort then.

- Okay.
- Orc att*ck?

[phone beeps]

Turn off that... turn off that phone.

- [groans]
- Hey, Maggie...

Hey.

Look, I was trying to find you.

I just dropped in on the operating room,

and it's going really well.

- Yes! Are you serious?
- Yeah.

She's okay? She's doing
okay? Am I shouting?

Yes, a little bit. It
couldn't be going better...

- Okay, good.
- All right?

We got her halfway through,
and she's doing great.

That is... that is a relief.

How are you doing?

You know, I'm great. [chuckles]

Just chilling.

'Cause this can be pretty hard.

Yeah.

- It's really hard.
- Yeah.

'Cause I... I don't know
what to say to her, you know,

and sometimes, I don't
even have an answer,

or sometimes, I'll say
something, and then I'm like,

"Why did I say that?" But
I'd like to do something.

I would really like to
be able to do something.

So I end up driving to Paper Source

at : at night, buying a $ pen,

and a binder that's only
gonna have one pamphlet in it.

And it's about saving your nipples,

'cause her nipples...[whimpers]...
are really important to her.

Listen, Maggie, I just
wanted to assure you that

you're doing exactly what
you should be doing, okay?

Because you found her
the best doctors....

Yeah.

And I know you're saying
the right things to her,

because I've seen you guys together,

and you know her
better than anyone else.

- And you caught it early...
- Yeah.

And you're making sure that she gets

treatment straight away, so...

- Thank God she was so nosy.
- [chuckles]

- She is a piece of work, right?
- [chuckles]

If you would knew the...

the lengths that she
would go to for me...

And you for her, clearly.

Hey, come on. You're gonna be okay.

What is that?

- I'm, you know... I'm just...
- [chuckles]

- Can I have a hug?
- Yeah, of course.

[chuckles]

Yeah. All right.

- Thank you.
- Mm-kay.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

You're getting better at
this bedside manner thing.

[chuckles] Well, you know, I'm...

I'm sort of, um, practicing a bit.

Is that so?

Yeah, I did, uh, try it on one patient.

- No. [laughs]
- Yeah, I mean, she...

you know, she can't hear, so it's fine.

- [laughs]
- Maggie?

Is this man making you cry?

Oh, no, guys, I'm... I'm good.

Okay, Doctor, carry on.

Stand down.

Sorry, so you have a police escort?

Emma and I taught the police
force how to striptease.

- No big deal.
- Of course you did.

[gentle guitar music]

Mark? What are you doing out here?

Hey, what's up? I was just, um,

taking a break from
checking out these, uh...

these expired registrations.

- That sounds like a lie.
- Okay, it is.

How... how's she doing? Do
you... do you know anything?

Yes, Dr. Ericson, um,
stopped by the operating room,

and she's... everything's going great.

Yes... yes! Okay, that's
great. That's good...

that's good to hear.
Do, uh... do we know...

what do we know about
these... these ladies, though?

- The doctors?
- Yeah, 'cause, you know,

I've been... I was checking
the... the police database

to see if they had ever been arrested,

and they... and they weren't,
but they... they may have aliases.

- That's the thing, so...
- Okay...

they are literally the
best breast cancer doctors

in the whole world, okay?
They were on "Oprah."

Well, yeah, but what...
what does Oprah know?

- Well, a few things.
- They just gotta get it right.

They... they... they
have to really just...

they gotta get it done.

'Cause I just finally... I,
you know... I got her back,

and now I can't...

I know.

Okay, you know who we're
talking about, right?

Emma? She's, like, the strongest,

most aggressive person that we know.

[chuckles] Yeah.

You think that this
is gonna take her down?

No way.

Not today.

All right, I think you
should come inside with me.

No, she made it perfectly clear

that she does not want me in there.

You know, you don't have
to listen to her, right?

Oh, I didn't... I was not aware
that was an option. [chuckles]

Yeah, that's the secret
of our friendship...

is that she just talks for a long time,

and then I act like I'm listening,

but then I just do whatever I want.

- Okay.
- Yep.

Oh, also, um,

they got Shastas from, like,
in this vending machine.

Wait a minute, they got
straight Shastas up in here?

Straight Shastas.

Straight Shastas.

All right, here we go.
And five, six, seven, walk,

and fierce, fierce, squish, squish.

Pop that booty, booty, and
move that freaking booty.

- Yeah!
- [claps, laughs]

Oh, nice, Tony. I'm impressed.

Since our strip show, I've
been taking private lessons.

Well... it's paying off in spades.

- [laughs] That's right.
- Knock, knock.

So we got all the cancer out.

- [cheering, yelling]
- Yeah! All right!

Maggie... Maggie, can you...
can you...[clears throat]

Yeah, yeah. What's...

There's one thing.

It's just, um,

I underestimated how very
small her actual breasts were.

We hadn't seen breasts that small

since we operated on an
old Sicilian grandmother.

She's gonna repeat that detail.

I had to make 'em a little bigger.

Do you think she's gonna
be upset about that?

Oh, I think she'll be all right.

They're gonna be bigger, guys!

All right! If that's what she wants.

That's what she wants.
She's gonna want it.

Oh, my God, I love you guys so much.

Aww. [laughs]

- [giggles]
- You're welcome.

Hey.

Hey, Mags.

How'd it go?

Oh, great. They got it all out.

- They did?
- Yeah,

and you're gonna love your new knockers.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We're gonna have to go bra shopping,

'cause they had to make
'em a little bigger,

- but I said that was okay.
- Yay.

[chuckles]

Hey, do you know where my socks are?

I don't think I packed socks,

but I... I can ask, if you want me to.

No, no, no, no, I need my socks.

- I need the ones that I have.
- Hey, guys.

- Mark.
- Hey, Em.

Hey.

I got bigger boobs.

Well, okay, yeah.

You can show those
to me at another time.

Um, I know that you
told me not to come...

- Oh, no.
- But Maggie told me

we don't have to listen to you anymore.

No, you do have to listen to me.

I don't think so. I think...

I think those are the rules now.

- No, those are not the rules.
- That's right.

Those are indeed the new rules.

- That's correct.
- No listening to Emma.

I have cancer, so you have
to do whatever what I say.

But you don't. You
don't have it anymore.

- They took it all out, so now...
- All out of you.

- Don't make me laugh.
- No?

Just go get me my socks, please.

Okay.

Do you know where these socks are?

I do. I have 'em.

I... I... I know exactly
what she's talking about.

- Mr. Rodriguez to the rescue.
- [giggles]

- Only three for a dollar.
- Isn't that amazing?

- Oh, well, don't go all out.
- That's what I said.

These are just to put on
her feet to protect anybody

who comes by from her
vicious sharp toes.

Stop saying... ow.

- Emma Scissor-toes.
- [all laugh]

- Guys...
- Okay, we need to let her rest.

Guys, come here...
come here for a second.

- What, honey? What?
- Come here for a second.

- What?
- I love you dummies.

- Well, we love you, weirdo.
- I love you too.

Don't move. It'll hurt.

Get it, C-Tates. Get it.

God, Channing Tatum
is a physical specimen.

His abs should be in the Smithsonian.

- He's also a great dad.
- Oh, yeah.

I heard he likes to change
diapers, like, all the time.

- Oh, man, that's sexy as hell.
- Yeah.

Hey, I wonder with my new titties,

- if I can get a man like that.
- Hm.

Would that be okay with you, Mark?

You know, the moves are good.

The moves are really, really good,

but he's no match for DJ Mark of . .

The Crush.

- No, no.
- He isn't.

[laughs] Oh, my God. You're
right, babe, he isn't.

- The doctor wants to see you.
- Char-bar!

Give me, give me, give me, give me.

Oh, no, no, you can't hold her.

Okay, okay, just put her
down here, though, then,

'cause I gotta get a feel of
that sweet, sweet baby skin.

- Come here, sweet girl.
- Hi, Mama.

- Get in here.
- I missed you.

- She missed you too.
- Aww.

Hey, Char, that's Channing Tatum.

Oh, she's seen this movie several times.

Excuse me?

What do you think we
screen at : a.m.?

The Pony Dance puts her to sleep...

No, no. But it revs Mama up.

- Okay.
- Yeah!

Is this, uh, "Toy Story "?

What?