03x06 - Ride the Dragon

[bunniefuu]

[bright music]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

You know, Charlotte,
that hat was given to me

by an old Greek fisherman
named Charalampos.

He only had one eye
and two teeth,

but he was full of wisdom.

Hey, Zoo, did you
wash that thing

before you stuck it
on your niece's head?

Absolutely not.

This hat is encrusted
with the salty residue

of the mighty Aegean.

Which reminds me,
I brought you something.

Oh, I hope it's not fish.

- It's fish.
- Oh, what are those, sardines?

Yep, scooped from the waters
by Charalampos himself.

Well, then they can go
right back in the water

because our fridge is
already full of casseroles

that people keep
bringing by for Emma.

- How's she doing?
- She's actually doing amazing.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, she's doing

this cold-cap thing
where they freeze your scalp

so you get to keep
most of your hair.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- What?

Well, I always thought
Emma had a beautiful cranium.

Ugh, why does it smell like
Red Lobster in here?

- Don't ask.
- Oh, Zach, yes,

that makes sense.
How was Greece?

It was transformative.

- I met a man named Charalampos...
- Snooze.

Mags, what's up
with all these owls?

They were for ladies' craft
night, but I decided to cancel.

What... why?
You love craft night.

I know, but it's gonna be,
like, two days

after your third chemo,
and I want to be able

to take care of you. I don't know

- how you're gonna feel.
- I'm gonna feel fine.

You didn't feel fine
last time.

Hey, nothing has to change
just 'cause I have cancer, okay?

You'll do your craft night, and
I'll just be upstairs per usual,

watching
"Bridget Jones's Diary."

You want me to leave you
all alone upstairs

while we're downstairs
painting owls

and having the time of our life
at our summer "s-owl-stice"?

I think I'll be all right.

- I will care for you.
- What?

I'll care for you.

I don't need to be asked twice.

You weren't asked once.

- I'll care for you.
- All right, it's settled.

- He's caring for you.
- Stop saying "care for me."

I will be upstairs with Emma,

attending to her every non-sexual need.

- But what are you doing?
- I was right, Maggie.

Her cranium is exquisite.

[Say Hi's "Back Before
We Were Brittle" playing]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪

♪ All of time stood still ♪

♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

Oh, loving daughter.

This is a lot
of physical contact.

When you were a little girl,
you used to come into my room,

crawl into the bed
in the middle of the night,

and we'd cuddle until dawn.

Hmm, all I remember is
"ca-chink, ca-chink"

'cause the door
was always locked.

Those were the nights
your father and I coupled.

- Ugh, gross!
- All right, Gwen,

thank you for your services
but the owls await.

Okay, get out of here, Mom.

Go paint the owls.
What is all this?

♪ This is my satchel of secrets ♪

And this is fresh-baked Grecian baklava.

Oh, no, no, no,
I don't want it.

Believe me,
you're gonna want this.

No, Mom, take it downstairs,
I don't wanna get

filo dough between my sheets.

All right, fine,
but this is Emma's baklava.

No one else
is allowed to eat it.

- Fine, just one more touch.
- Okay.

- Oh, mm.
- Okay, that's, like,

three touches... get out of here!

Okay, watch
"Bridget Jones's Diary."

[beep]

♪ ♪

Initiate parental controls.

No, what about Hugh?

Sorry, that floppy-haired
scoundrel cannot help you,

not tonight.
Lucky for you,

I have become a bit of an expert
in ancient wisdom.

- Ugh.
- And, as Socrates once said:

"The wings of the griffin
bear the legs of a lion

into the sky."

- What does that mean?
- Let's find out.

Oh, God.

♪ ♪

Tina, you have
outdone yourself.

Are those barn owl
cheese toasts?

- With field mice olives.
- Come on.

- [giggles]
- What about that?

- Is that real grass?
- It's wheat grass, actually.

I wanted some healthy options
in case Emma decided

to join us later.
That is so sweet, Tina,

but she definitely
won't be coming down here.

Oh, is she upstairs
crying about cancer?

Oh, no, she just
straight-up hates crafts.

- Oh.
- Well, I spooned her

- about as much as I could.
- [door bell rings]

Oh, I'll grab it.

Oh, that can't go there. It's off-theme.

Don't get your feathers
in a bunch, Bird Bones.

There.

It's a nest.

Cookie, I wasn't sure
if you were gonna

- join us tonight.
- I wasn't sure either,

but Bruce really wants us
to bury the hatchet.

Well, as I have
said repeatedly,

I have no romantic designs
on Bruce, so.

Maggie, we're not gonna get
any place until you stop lying

to yourself
and you just admit

that you desperately
want my man.

- All right.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

Very uncomfortable with
what's happening right now.

Don't be frightened.

It's just the Socratic Stare.

The Socratic Stare?
Is that a real thing?

We're making it real.

I'm gonna gaze into your eyes,
and I'm gonna ask

penetrating questions
of your soul.

How do you feel?

I'm hating every second
of this.

Don't answer with your mouth.
Answer with your soul.

I wish I was watching
"Bridget Jones's Diary."

Ask your soul to get naked.

It says no.

Well, we don't know that

because you won't
let her say anything.

Ow, what is this hard thing
poking my leg?

Oh, fantastic!
That's my pan flute.

- Ooh.
- [weak whistling noise]

- Okay, no.
- Mm, no, no, just...

- It just... I have to wet it.
- Yeah, we're done here.

♪ ♪

So this is ladies' night, huh?

Bunch of ladies
sitting side by side

in silence painting owls?

- She's here!
- Oh, daughter, come to Mama.

- Ugh.
- Is everything okay upstairs?

I just needed a break
from Zach's soul stares.

Oh, okay, uh, you know what?
Let's pack it up.

No, what... why?
I'll paint an owl.

- Really?
- Yeah, why not?

It'll be a hoot.
Hmm, nailed it.

[laughter]

It wasn't that funny.

Mary Pat's casino bus
broke down, so we have

- an extra set up...
- Great.

Just pop you right here.

All righty, let's get down
to painting some owls.

You look really good.

You can hardly tell
that you have...

[whispering]
The... The big C.

She's my daughter.
She's a fighter.

I sense a real strength
coming off of you.

All right,
we're gonna pack it up.

What?
No, no, you know, what we

do need though is
to kick this ladies' night

up a notch, all right?
Why aren't we eating

- any of this delicious food?
- Well, we eat it later,

- usually.
- Who cares?

Here, here, here, here,
I'm gonna insist everyone

have a piece
of this delicious baklava.

Come on, I have cancer.
You have to do what I say.

Everybody take a piece.
Let's go.

- Get into this.
- Yeah, there we go.

- Get into it, right?
- Mmm.

- Mmm.
- Sorry.

- Mmm.
- Mm, oh, wow.

Mm, that's got a real

- stanky-ness to it.
- Oh, no.

- What madness is this?
- Zach, I'm so sorry.

I just couldn't take any more
of your pan flute poking me.

No, no, your baklava.

Why is everyone eating
your baklava?

That was Emma's baklava.

So you made me some baklava,
and I shared it

- with my friends.
- The baklava was made

with a special recipe...
hand-cracked pistachios,

honey from the comb, filo dough,
and medical-grade marijuana.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- I got it from a supplier

who supposedly used to sell
to Willie Nelson,

but Willie Nelson won't shop
there anymore because

he says the weed is too strong,
and it wigs him out.

Zach, what are you saying
to us right now?

Strap in, because
you are about to,

as they say in the old country,
trip balls.

.

I cannot believe you
did this, Zach!

The important thing here
is that we remain calm.

I can't believe
I ate marijuana.

Does that make me a drug mule?

Now, Zach, is this gonna be
more of a sativa

- or an indica high?
- Mom, what do you know

- about pot?
- Oh, come on.

Who among us hasn't gotten
high on their own supply?

Gwen, you know that means
you sold dr*gs, right?

I was following
Jefferson Airplane

around the country,
and that white rabbit?

He don't let nobody
ride for free.

- [as Matthew McConaughey]
- All right, all right, all right.

Well, there it is...
a bad McConaughey.

The journey's begun.
All right, screw this.

Hey, hey, hey, Zach,
not you too!

- No, Zach, no!
- Whoa!

I refuse to be
the only one not high

at a ladies' craft night.

- [as Matthew McConaughey]
- Yeah, come on everybody,

hop on my big wheel.
Vroom.

Is she on a big wheel?
Because I don't see it.

Shall we throw on an album
and let the music be our guide?

Um, I have a better idea.

♪ ♪

The cosmos, it beckons us:
Follow.

For the word "planets"
comes from the Greek "planetai"

meaning "wanderer."

The original name
for the Milky Way

- was the Fudge Gap.
- [chuckling]

- I don't think that's right.
- Uh-huh, the stanky Fudge Gap.

[laughter]

But seriously, guys,
this owl-shaped fudge

is the best thing
I've ever tasted in my life.

Who made it?

The year was .

The Nazis had just
invaded Russia.

My grandmother,
Illyana Federovna,

had to flee.

What's happening right now?

She only took with her
two possessions:

the recipe for this fudge,
and a batch that she had sewn

into the lining
of her tattered shawl.

This pocket fudge is what
kept her alive

on her tumultuous journey
to America.

God bless America.

That's an incredible story.

[giggles]

I'm just messing with you guys.

All: What?

- Oh.
- I heard that story

on Rachel Zoe's
"Who Do You Think You Are?"

[laughter]

No, no!

Well, I have a story
that is % true.

I once rode a dragon
into the golden sun.

What are you
talking about, Mom?

- [snoring]
- Mom?

- [snoring]
- Emma, she be with dragons now.

She be with dragons.

I'm starving.

Do you have anything
in your refrigerator

that is not shaped like an owl?

Uh, just a bunch of canceroles
that people brought, wait...

both: Canceroles!

[laughter]

Oh, I'm zapping a plate.

All right, I'm coming with.

I would join you, but my legs
have turned into wings.

- [laughs]
- Canceroles.

[chuckling]

♪ ♪

Mm, God, who would have known
cold casseroles

could taste so good?

Uh-huh, if you've got
some bread, I'm gonna make us

a casserole sandwich.

- What?
- Go.

That sounds amazing.

- Here you go.
- Yeah.

I cannot tell you...
this is like the first time

that food has tasted good
to me in months.

When I had chemo,
the only thing I could eat

was pudding and baby crackers.

What? You had cancer?

Oh, yeah, triple negative,
left breast.

- No.
- I'll be seven years out

this March.

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't really like
to lead with that.

I think of it as just
one very short chapter

in a very long book
that I like to call.

"Cookie: I Ain't Gonna Crumble."

That is exactly what I was
just telling Maggie.

You know, this doesn't
have to change my whole life.

Mm, yeah, no, that's not
really what I'm saying

'cause you have cancer, right,
or you had cancer,

everything's changed.

- I... I need a pickle.
- What?

- I need a pickle.
- Okay.

This needs a pickle,
right now.

Okay, okay, I'm gonna get it.

Never ridden a dragon
bare-back before.

♪ ♪

[snoring]

Tell me where you want
your color, friend.

- Clever.
- What is your

favorite dinosaur?
Why is this real?

- Stegosaurus.
- [giggles]

I don't know why that's funny.

Now tell me,
is Bird Bones your given name?

- No.
- No?

My real name
is Tina Steigerman.

- Wow, that's pretty.
- Oh, well, thank you.

Emma gave me the nickname
Bird Bones in high school

because I kept breaking
all my tiny bones.

Oh, well, Emma's
given me quite a few

hurtful nicknames
over the years.

- Aww, like what?
- Yeah, um, Ichabod Crane,

"The Nightmare Before Christmas"
starring Zach Skeleton.

- Mm-hmm.
- Slenderman, Son of Slenderman.

- [laughs]
- Oh, and then of course.

- The Pale Jack Sparrow.
- Oh, I always liked

Jack Sparrow...
except he was too tan.

Um, Tina, would...
would you mind if I took a peek

into your soul
using the Socratic Stare?

- Um, sure.
- Okay.

How do you feel?

I feel...

You don't have to answer
with your words.

Answer with your soul.

Mm.

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

You got a real heft
to them, huh?

Yeah, yeah,
that's what I like about them.

Listen, you're not so
shabby yourself.

- Oh, well, thank you.
- Yeah, and think about this...

when we're , we're gonna have
the perkiest tits around, right?

Yeah, I guess
that's something.

Hey, you're not
gonna believe this,

but I promise you that one day,
when you get through

all of this, you're gonna be
happier than you were before.

Okay, well, now you just
sound like a Hallmark original

- starring Jennifer Beals.
- I would not mess with

the Beals if I were you
'cause she's a maniac.

[laughs]

And look, okay,
cancer is the toughest thing

I've ever been through,
absolutely,

but it was my wake up call,
and now I'm just...

I'm living a "hell yes" life.

What's a hell yes life?

That means that you've been
through the fire.

You know the secret.

We're not here forever,
so you gotta say yes to life

and stop being scared to do
the things you care about.

Here.

Wait, no, Cookie,
I can't take that.

Take it.
It's okay.

I got it tattooed, like,
four different places

on my body.

"Hell yes life."

Thank you.

Hey, you're a badass.

You're gonna get through this.

You know, a couple months ago
in self-defense class,

you told me I was the weakest
human being you'd ever met.

I was wrong.

Guys, this owl is real.

I painted this owl into reality.

Emergency!
I just kissed Zach!

- What?
- It's true.

No one look into my eyes...
they will mesmerize you,

and the next thing you know,
sexual kissing.

[yelling]
What did I just say?

Maggie, control your owl!

[relaxing music]

Okay, so I got an update on
the Bird Bones/Zach situation.

It appears that it was
just a one-time thing.

- Mm.
- Although, I think they're

- kind of cute together, right?
- Yeah.

Hey, where's your owl?

Yeah, I released him
back into the wild.

It was hard, but, well,
you gotta do

some hard things sometimes.

[chuckles]

What's that?

- Oh, Cookie gave it to me.
- She gave it to you?

Yeah.
Did you know

- she had breast cancer?
- Oh, yeah, Bruce mentioned it.

No idea.

- "Hell yes life"?
- Yeah, that's her motto,

but I won't be wearing it
any time soon.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

I guess Cookie's
a better person than me

'cause all I feel is just,
like, real pissed

and angry that
this happened to me.

I mean, I'm not even ,
and I have to face

my own mortality?

Not interested.

You know you're kind of
already doing this, right?

- Saying yes.
- No, I'm not.

Well, you didn't do it
just now, but, yes, you are.

You came down those stairs
for craft night.

Emma from a year ago
would've never done that.

You said yes to staring deeply
into Zach's soul.

Oh, I did say hell yes
to touching Cookie's boobs.

- What?
- Actually it was

- a mutual squeeze.
- And?

- Oh, it was a dream come true.
- I bet.

Mm, like little
clouds of Heaven.

[laughs]

You know you're not the only one
who's changing, right?

I mean, I invited Cookie
into my home willingly,

and she got them crazy eyes.

That's true.

Zach and Bird Bones
sucking face.

- Can't get enough of each other.
- My mother can't stop

- touching me.
- Well, she loves you.

- Oh, gross.
- God, I cannot believe

that we keep learning
life lessons from a woman

- named Cookie.
- I know.

That's why it's so messed up
that you keep trying

- to get her man.
- I just want him so hard.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

There's my little girl.

Is everything okay?
Do you need anything?

No, Mom, I'm okay.

Mm.

♪ ♪

I left you a full tray
of that fudge

that we were snacking on
last night.

Honestly, Teens, next time
I'm throwing a party,

- I'm calling you.
- You mean to work together?

- Oh, I just mean...
- I would love that.

I mean, well, of course,
we would have to think

of title first.
I mean, would I be.

"Director of Catering" or,
ooh, "Master of Food Services"?

Ooh, and what would the font
on our business card be?

Oh, there is so much
to think about.

But who am I kidding?
I accept!

Hell yes, Teens.
Let's do this.

I am so excited.

I'm gonna go find Zach.

What just happened?

I think you're in business
with Bird Bones, honey.

- Oh.
- Well, ladies, that is a night

I won't soon forget...
once I remember what happened.

- Maggie.
- Yeah, Gwen, thanks for coming.

- Daughter.
- Oh.

You just gonna
let this happen?

I am, Mom, I am.

- Oh.
- Okay, don't push it.

Hey, Gwen, there was one thing
you mentioned last night

- that we wanted to ask you about.
- Oh, no, did that Grecian grass

get the best of me?
Why, what did I say?

You said that you once rode
the dragon into the golden sun?

- No, I never said that.
- No, Mom, it was you.

- We heard you say it.
- I agree to disagree.

Okay, Gwen,
you have to tell us.

- What did it mean...?
- Goodbye.

- Mom, okay, I'll walk you out.
- I'm not gonna

- tell you anything.
- Mom, just tell me

- what you said!
- Ugh.

- Come on.
- There's nothing to tell.

Ay-yai-yai.

Maggie, thanks for
the hospitality.

I'm glad that you came.

Yeah, it kind of turned out
to be an unexpected adventure.

- Yeah, it did.
- So what do you say?

Bury the hatchet?

Did you have that
in your purse the whole time?

And that is literally a hatchet.

Got a spot for it
in your backyard?

Uh, yeah, I think we could
find something under a tree.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Sorry, do you want to just
walk ahead of me?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

I am really sorry that
I kissed you last night.

I see now why they call it
a gateway drug.

I'm really sorry
I kissed you back.

You know, I'm a bit
of an amateur when it comes

to the Socratic Stare,
and I was mussing with powers

far beyond my control.

It will not
happen again.

No, no, not on my watch.

- Mm.
- Mm.

I... I am gonna be
so careful with your bones.

That means so much to me.

Thank you.

Now I am interested
in your new approach, Emma,

because I live what I call
a "balls out life."

Well, I'm definitely not
interested in that.

I think I'm just gonna,
I don't know,

try to say yes to more things.

If I asked you to go
erotic kite flying with me?

- Ew, Zach!
- What's that?

Just a bunch of naked people
flying kites?

No, that'd be disgusting.

No, the people
are fully clothed.

- It's the kites that are erotic.
- [sighs]

What you got there, Char-bar?

[babbles]

Hmm.

- Oh, my God, Emma.
- What?

It's a Jefferson
Airplane album.

So?

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, is that my mother?

- Riding a dragon?
- Into the golden sun, yes.

Wait, I just got an idea
for an erotic kite.

If I see you flying my mom

in a public park,
I'm gonna be so pissed.

Meh, it's no biggie.
I'm gonna fly your mom.