03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

- Olivia's made a serious complaint against you.

She no longer feels
comfortable working with you.

What?

The truth is your marriage wasn't
a f*cking funfair % of the time,

so you had to have yourself a little
escape hatch p*ssy at the ready.

How's it going, lads?

Yeah, I was just saying, do
you know who you look like?

Your PE teacher?

I was just partying if
you want to come out.

You ever been up on the roof
of this place? It's pretty cool.

You can see for like... miles.

Come on, let's go. I love a good roof.

As I look at you, all the reasons
I fell in love with you have

come flying back so much
that I think I might throw up.

(THEY BREATH HEAVILY AND GRUNT)

I love you!

What happened last night? There's
a huge chunk of it I can't remember.

You went off with your man.

- Can I help you?
- I need Plan B.

Like a morning after pill.

What the f*ck?

What?

- What?
- Yeah, what?

Nothing.

Well, that didn't seem like nothing.

Well, sometimes things
aren't always what they seem.

(SHARON LAUGHS)

- OK, Alan Turing.
- Who?

- Alan Turing. Jesus, Alan Turing...
- Yeah, yeah, I know who he is.

He's the gay codes guy that
the government m*rder*d.

They didn't m*rder him, they castrated him.

And then he k*lled himself.

I hate this f*cking country.

Frankie's sheets smell of
pee. I forgot to change them.

- This whole room smells like piss.
- (SHARON LAUGHS)

Yeah, but baby pee's still
lovely really, isn't it?

It's not a baby, he's three. He eats steak.

It wasn't all, like, adult
piss which is made of, like,

red wine and thrush.

What's wrong with your face?
Are you farting? You look creepy.

Actually, I'm really concerned
I might do something crazy if

you can't satisfactorily explain
to meet what the f*ck this is.

What?

Well, I don't know, what
is it? Is that a receipt?

Yeah!

- It's a receipt, all right.
- Well, can I see it?

You can have it.

I took a picture of it.

Oh, it's a... It's a receipt for the...

When we had sex, in Victoria Park.

I was ovulating and you did a
very big load in me and I know I

was ovulating, cos I
can always tell because

my tits were much bigger than normal.

You've probably noticed.

Well, they were. And I, I didn't want
to get into a big debate about it,

because we'd only just got
back together and, you know,

I don't want another baby, do you?

No way.

- What?
- You're f*cking kidding me with all this?

What are you trying to imply?

Because if you're implying
what I think you're implying,

that's f*cking nuts and rude.

Rude? What are you, a
f*cking Bront-ee sister?

Bront-ai.
Bront-ai sister.

What do you think I'm implying, Sharon?

Uh... I don't actually even...

Because it's so... I can't even...

What, you think I slept

- with someone else or...?
- Did you?

Don't be nuts. That's nuts.

Tha... Rob! Where are you going?

- Burger King.
- Rob!

(DOOR SHUTS)

I don't know what I was
thinking. That was crazy.

I worked it all out on a napkin
at Burger King and I did do

a big load in you, that's true.

We didn't use protection, that's also true.

I just...

I thought it smelled like a lie.

I don't know how to say
it any other way than that.

I'm sorry.

(SHARON SIGHS)

Well, you don't need to be sorry, I...

Look, what isn't crazy is that in the past,

when I've needed the morning after
pill, it has been a discussion.

And why wasn't it a discussion this
time? Sorry, I'm just, I'm trying to...

No, no, it's fine. It's because,
honestly, I barely thought about it.

I mean, I'm thinking about it
way more now than I did then,

because then I just sort
of, you know, just did it.

I was in the pharmacy buying
toothbrushes and sh*t and I

remembered the big load and,
you know, I just got the pill.

I even forgot the toothbrushes.

- You forgot the toothbrushes?
- (SHARON LAUGHS)

I just used a new toothbrush.

Yeah. I got those in the
supermarket with the weekly shop!

Right.

- Where's the receipt for those?
- What?

I don't save receipts for everything,
do I? I'm not talking Bob Cratchit.

OK. Well...

You should be saving receipts!

You know, it's hard enough for
me to do British taxes without you

not bothering to save receipts.

Well, I will now.

OK? Jesus.

(SHARON SIGHS)

Do you want to watch a Better Call Saul?

No, I just want to nestle into
your bosom, cos I feel stupid.

Aw.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- Hey, um...

Kate, look, I'm, I'm in a bit of trouble.

f*ck sake.

Well, what happened now?

Well, nothing, it's just that...

sh*t.

Hey. Who were you on the phone to?

Harita. She wants to meet.

- That's good, isn't it?
- I don't know. We'll see.

But it's lunch at Tanaka, so I don't
care what she has to say. I'm going.

Well, just, you know, whatever
you decide, it's your decision.

I just want you to be happy
and Frankie can always get his

old job back at Nike.

You just want me to be happy? That's new.

No, it's not new!

Why wouldn't I want my husband to be happy?

And look, I was thinking, I
could look into going back to work

again, you know, take a
bit of the pressure off.

- Right.
- Oh. Merry Christmas to me.

What's stopping you from coming back?

Mostly just the false
sexual harassment charges.

They weren't charges, it was just
a complaint, which Olivia withdrew.

- She was just having some fun with you.
- Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

You should also know that she's just

accepted a position at the Brussels office,

so that's no longer a
reason to not come back.

- What about Margaret?
- Why, do you want to f*ck her as well?

No, but she knows, so now I hate her too.

Who else knows?

Does Tina from R&D know?

Because she was unnecessarily
vocal when I ate all those hot cross

buns that she brought in that
her daughter baked one time.

I didn't know they were home-made.
Because they were terrible.

Why did you eat them all
if they were terrible?

That's not the point.

Margaret knows, OK? And that's it.

- And Tina. Tina knows too.
- Oh, come on!

- Would you like another tea?
- Yes, please.

- I'll have a Tom Collins.
- What's in that?

Bartender'll know.

- Oh, is it like gin and lemon juice?
- Yep.

Look, I don't know how long
I'll need a jolly white American

man to sell my ideas, hopefully
not forever, but right now I do.

So, why don't you take the
rest of your leave of absence,

unpaid, I'm not a charity, and
see how you feel in a few weeks?

I'll have to think about it.

I mean, you know I didn't
do anything wrong, right?

- Doesn't matter to me.
- It doesn't matter to you?

What you offer the company
is more important to

me than whether or not you tried
to f*ck a very fuckable co-worker.

How are the kids?

(ROB NOISILY SLURPS)

Well, I've thought about your
offer and I've decided that I would

rather stick these
chopsticks up my assh*le.

You're not jerking it under there, are you?

No.

OK. Just checking.

How'd it go with Harita?
She offer you your job back?

Yep.

- You going to go back?
- No. I'm going to find another one.

(SHARON SIGHS)

Why do you smell of cheese and onion
crisps? I thought you had sushi.

- I was still hungry.
- OK.

How long are you going to stay in bed for?

Just till tomorrow.

So, just the hours.

Well, I've got to go out in a bit,

so you're going to have to get up
and do the kids' supper and bath time.

- Where are you going?
- Oh, just...

I'm going to a concert with Melissa.

It's a fundraiser for a kids' homeless
charity refugee thing she volunteers for.

- I promised I'd go with her.
- What kind of concert?

It's chamber music I think. It'll be sh*t.

Wow.

You're going to a chamber music
concert with Melissa? Where?

On the South Bank I think.
We're meeting at a bar before.

She's got the tickets.

Oh, and Frankie's watching
Million Dollar Baby.

I sort of put it on by mistake and now

he's really enjoying it very quietly, so...

OK. Have fun at your concerto.

OK. Get up.

- Hey, why don't we give you a ride?
- No, I'm grand.

- I'll just get the Tube.
- No, it'll be fun. We'll give you a ride.

Don't be silly. I'll see you later.

(ROCK BAND PLAYS)

♪ Passed out for hours
but I want you to stay... ♪

- Two margaritas.
- No, one margarita. And a Coke.

No way! It took two buses and a
half a mile walk along the canal in

kitten heels to get here.

You're having a drink. Two margaritas.

Thanks for doing this.

Yeah, no problem. Nothing to stay home for.

Ian and I haven't shagged in weeks.

- Aw.
- He's asked me to start paying rent.

(SHE LAUGHS)

I wouldn't mind, but the
toilet on the boat is broken.

You can barely flash half
a turd down at a time.

I'm thinking of moving back
to Ireland. I miss my girls.

- Aw, well, that's great. I'm delighted.
- Yeah.

I've followed my fanny for long enough!

Also I'm Facebook friends
with this roofer from Monaghan.

I'm going to hook up
with him when I go back.

Look at him. Little rock star.

Good body. How is he in the sack?

(PHONE BEEPS)

_

(SONG FINISHES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hey, youse were great.

Look at us. Groupies!

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

Oh, how's it going?

- Uh, did you catch the full set?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, really good. Really
good. You guys are, em...

You've got all the drums and
the guitars, the whole kit.

Microphone.

Do you want a drink?

Ask the rest of the band. Call them over.

Oh, here, I'll call them over.
Hey, do you want some sh*ts, lads?

- We made out.
- So we just kissed?

Well, yeah, then, you know...

No, I swear to God I don't, I don't know.

- You took it out.
- I took it out?

- My d*ck.
- Your penis?

- Whatever, yeah.
- Christ.

Oh, f*cking hell.

I took it out and did what?

Well, nothing really.

Every time you went near it you
looked like you're going to gag.

Oh, God.

Then you told me what you were going to do.

What? What was I going to do?

You were going to get some
poppers, whatever they are,

and some weed and then you would come back.

I gave you quid, you didn't come back.

OK, I didn't come back...

No pressure, but if you did want to
give me that money back, that'd be great.

Er, I am at uni.

You looked at a cock for, like, a tick.

You examined it. Big deal.

- It's fine.
- It's not fine.

I handled a penis that doesn't
belong to my husband. I held it.

I felt its pulse probably.
Rob's never done that.

- (KATE LAUGHS)
- Oh, you know what I mean!

He's never just, like, "Oh, I'll
put my hand down this stranger's

"pants and give her a little pat."

Give me a f*g. I need to smoke.

Every time Rob does something
nice now, f*cking anything,

if he makes me...

If he makes me a cheese sandwich
I'll be like, "Oh, great,

"a lovely cheese sandwich made for me
by my husband who I betrayed with..."

Oh, God, I probably touched my
children with fresh penis on my hand.

(KATE LAUGHS)

- I'm going to have to tell him.
- What?

No, you can't tell him.
Stick with the lie. Seriously.

I mean, if you undo a
lie you've already told,

then really you're just lying again.

The regrets I feel every day for
not saying I was buying all that

lube for a friend.

I'm not helping!

(KATE CRIES)

- I don't want to be a liar.
- You don't want to end up like me.

That's my only bit of advice. Lie.

For the kids.

What do you want to do now?

(SHARON MOANS)

(MUSIC: You f*cking Love
It by Dirty Pretty Things)

(THEY MOAN)

(THEY MOAN)

(KATE MOANS AUDIBLY)

(THEY MOAN)

(SHE SIGHS)

(ROB SNORES)

(SHARON SIGHS)

(ROB STIRS)

♪ I love the sound of breaking glass ♪

♪ Especially when I'm lonely ♪

♪ I need the noises of destruction ♪

♪ When there's nothing new ♪

♪ Oh, nothing new ♪

♪ Sound of breaking glass. ♪

I think you should tell him.

But if I don't tell him,
he might not find out.

And if I do tell him,

chances are he'll f*cking find
out because I'm telling him.

Lies are like a child
hiding in a cupboard...

you're always going to find them,

but if you wait too long, you
might just find a little corpse.

- Jesus!
- Plus, you're a terrible liar.

I remember at uni when you said
you hadn't slept with Dr. Schiff.

- We knew you had.
- I didn't sleep with him!

- Him?
- Oh, Dr....

Yeah. No, I did sleep with her.

- Not really, though.
- Didn't that feel good?

Yeah. I mean, it was all right,
got it out my system, but...

- I meant telling the truth.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Right, I have to go because
my life coach has just arrived.

- OK, sure, well, can...?
- Bye!

...be the best-looking person,

but be ugly in yourself and
it makes you unattractive.

(SHE FARTS)

So, you found a receipt for a
pill you've bought in the past

and you've got an uncomfortable
feeling in your tum-tum. That's it.

Why didn't she tell me? I mean...

Do you tell her every time you pop to
Boots for a tube of haemorrhoid cream?

I'd understand if she'd
bought a f*cking speed boat

without telling you... it's
a wee morning after pill!

What else was she supposed to do?

You said yourself you blew
an historic load into her

- in a public park.
- We have a wavelength.

We communicate verbally and non-verbally.

And something feels
f*cked up and not right.

OK, let me ask you
something... can Sharon hide

what she's feeling about anything?

- No.
- OK, I wanted you to say it.

So you are going to find out, one
way or another, sooner or later.

If she's done nothing wrong, bully for you.

If she has, strangle
her, throw her in a bog,

and when the police ask if I know anything,

- I'll tell them to get f*cked.
- (HE SNORTS)

How are you otherwise?

Never better.

- I finally got Muireann down.
- Great.

Frankie fell asleep holding a potato.

Little weirdo.

Do you, er...? Do you want
me to make you something?

I didn't think anybody would
see this, but now that you have,

f*ck it.

- What did you get up to today?
- I saw Chris, then I went to a movie.

- What, on your own?
- Yep.

Why?

I just felt like being alone.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

- Stop it.
- Stop what?

You're giving me the massive cold
shoulder. Why are you doing that?

- You're making me feel sh*t.
- I'm not making you feel anything.

Well, then, you're projecting your

- bad mood onto me or...
- Am I?

At least I'm not getting secret
electrolysis on my nipples.

Oh! What?

That was a special offer...
You're going through my e-mails.

You've never done that before. Why
now? Who are you doing that for?

- Me! I'm tired of plucking them.
- It takes a second!

It takes more than a second
and it was a special offer.

And did you have a fantastic time
at your chamber music concerto

- on the South Bank with Melissa?
- You're being so f*cking suspicious.

Secret birth control, secret
professional grooming...

You're the one who got caught lying.

(THUMP, CHILD CRIES)

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God.

What happened?

Oh, no, he's cut his eye.

He's cut his eye! It's not OK!

- Where did you park the car?
- I'm trying to remember, Christ.

- Did you not use it last?
- No. Rob, where's the car?

- I think Currie Street, I think.
- f*ck's sake.

Taxi!

Taxi.

Thank you.

What the f*ck?!

Your light was on, I
got your plate number...

you take us seven blocks to the hospital

or I'm going to jump through this window

and make you eat your f*cking coin purse.

Thank you!

I'm sorry, honey.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm paranoid. I mean, I feel...

When we were apart...

I took the morning after pill
cos I was worried I'd slept with

a guy I met in a club.
I was so f*cking drunk

I couldn't remember if
I'd done anything or not.

Like, all I remember
is going up on the roof.

But, look, the good news is
that I didn't need to take

the morning after pill
cos, as it turns out,

I didn't have sex with him.

- Right.
- I mean, I should have known.

I gave my knickers a
good sniff the next day

and they just smelt like,
you know, normal bad.

Hello there. Erm, so, do you want to
tell me how you hit your head, then?

- Um...
- We were downstairs in the kitchen...

Sorry, actually, just need to
hear it from Frankie, if that's OK.

- I fell off the chair in the bathroom...
- Nothing happened?

Well, I mean, nearly nothing.
Like, close to nothing.

If the choices are
nothing and... (SHE MOUTHS)

You know, you can pretty much round
it down to nothing. I guess he...

- I guess he kissed me...
- He kissed you.

He kissed you...
so you were like, "Mm! Mm!"

So he forced himself on you.

Did you file a police report?

I mean, a man kissed
you against your will...

OK, we kissed, apparently.

Erm, do you know if
Frankie has vomited at all?

- Erm, no, he hasn't.
- OK.

What did you mean, apparently?

- Pardon?
- Oh, I'm talking to her.

- So sorry.
- I can only go by what he told me, OK?

Hey, no-one wants to know
what happened with me.

- You went to see him?
- Just to find out what happened!

What happened?

I handled his penis.

OK, someone else's penis, but
that is as bad as the story gets.

I took a man's penis out of his
pants and I... I looked at it.

But, like, for a second.

But apart from that, nothing happened.

OK, well, Frankie has been good
enough to tell me what's happened.

We'll see if it needs a
little stitch but probably not,

by the looks of it. Can
I get his blood type?

- Erm, he's, erm... He's type O.
- Right, OK.

- When was his last tetanus sh*t?
- It was five months ago.

Okey doke.

It was the day after
he went back to nursery.

Right.

A squirrel bit him.

Oh.

You're a fascinating person, you know that?

I mean, you're multifaceted.

You're a genuinely good mother...
you handled that lazy doctor

really well, you were calm, you
asked all the right questions...

Considering what a sh*t wife you are,

it's a fascinating collision of skills.

- I'm not a sh*t wife.
- What if I cut open my eye?

I mean, best, best case scenario,
you'd let me use your Oyster card.

- That's not true!
- Yes, it is.

And then you'd text me a shopping list

while I'm in the emergency room.

Do you want to break up with me?

Do I want to break up
with you? What are we, ?

Well, what do you want to do?

I know you think I'm a terrible
person, but I guess I was angry.

Don't do that, don't blame me.

I was upset about the money you
gave Fergal and the French hussy

and the fact that, you know,

you wouldn't apologise or admit
that you'd done anything wrong.

And, you know, it's a tough
time. There's a lot of...

Brexit, you know? Your new president.

Don't put that on me!

Well, I'm just saying, it's a tough time.

f*ck you for a second, OK?

f*ck your guilt or whatever.

The bottom line is, they need a mom,

and I hate the idea of whatever you
did with him less than I love them.

And what are the other options? I
leave you, I split up our family?

I'm just going to have
to suck it up, aren't I?

OK.

- What did he look like?
- What did he...?

- Was he black?
- No.

Why? What difference would that make?

- Well, you said he wasn't, so...
- No, but why?

Because I've seen your browser history, OK?

It's primarily black
guys and fat Johnny Depp,

and I can't compete with that.

You...

You don't have to compete.

And the fat Johnny Depps,
I was just fascinated...

- I don't want to hear it.
- OK, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I mean...

What now?

I don't know.

I guess over time I'll have
to learn to forgive you.

Right. Over how much time?

I don't know, I guess it'll take
two or three months? A season?

Season.

- What are you doing?
- I'm just...

I'm just trying to work out
if we'll be OK by my birthday.

No!

I'm thinking we might be OK by...

- Thanksgiving?
- When's that?

Look, it's all right.

I'll look it up.

Do you want me to sleep on the sofa?

Or we could sleep in the same bed
but just, you know, head to toe.

No, I don't want you to lacerate my face

with your White Walker toenails.

Do you still love me?

Actually, yeah, maybe you
should sleep on the couch.

(MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian)