03x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Jesus, Dave...

Men shouldn't lie to women.

Don't feel you need to talk to me.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Hey, Harita!

I want to talk about my future,

see if you had any use for this old
bag of bones around the old shop.

I miss you guys!

OK.

(MOANING)

Where do you want me to come?

- OK.
- No, where!

(ROB MOANS)

(SHARON GROANS)

(ROB SIGHS)

Are you sure it's OK, that we did that?

Yeah, it's fine, because... Well...

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f*ck it, it should be OK?

Did you pre-come in me?

Yeah, I was pre-coming before I put it in.

Well, that's not very nice!

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

We need to be using birth control.

We can't have any more kids.

I've got to go and see
the doctor tomorrow anyway,

to work out why my tits are so sore.

I'll look into a coil or something.

You've been saying that for over a year.

Yeah, well, it's just hard,
because, if I get the coil,

it'll probably stop the sore tits,

because it'll be stopping my periods.

But the only thing I like about
my periods is that I get big tits.

- That hurt!
- Yeah, but that are big.

I guess that big tits
are worth a little pain.

I wonder how much pain I'd
put up with to be less fat.

- Probably not much.
- Yeah.

- (SARCASTICALLY) Thank you so much.
- (SHARON LAUGHS)

What time do your folks get in tomorrow?

Uh, they get in at six.

Fergal gets in at three.

What's he doing back here?

He's got a little business here.

How the f*ck has Fergal managed
to start another business?

Any idiot can start a business.
You could start a business.

- Business that does what?
- Business!

Do you not have any ideas?

Well, I do have an idea for an app...

- Get out.
- No, seriously.

Listen. You know how a lot of
women in p*rn don't have pubic hair?

- Mmm-hmm.
- And then you know how

the Terminator sees things with, like,

grids and heat signatures?

What if there was an app that did
the same kind of thing but only for

bald pussies and when
it found a bald p*ssy,

it put a nice healthy bush on it.

You could pick the style, it
could be ' s bush, or s,

if you really want to...

But I mean, that's detail,
that's up to the user.

I'm been deadly serious now.

That is a f*cking brilliant idea.

Devil's advocate, though,

have you thought about the fact that
one day your daughter might find out

what you do for a living?
Doesn't that worry you?

Am I worried that my daughter will
find out that I'm a feminist innovator?

No.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

- Who's that?
- Oh, Fran.

You're not going to answer it?

No, I'll just let it go to voice
mail and then I'll text her.

Should I cook for your folks?

- Are they going to be eating?
- Erm, no.

Best not set that precedent.

We want to telegraph they're
not totally welcome here.

Fran wants us to have dinner
tomorrow night with her and Chris.

That's weird. She wants
to ask us something.

I wonder what that's about?

If you'd answered your
phone, you might know that.

Maybe they want a threesome.

So, wait, three of us f*ck
and one of us makes sandwiches?

You know I'm meant foursome.

I think that ship has sailed.

What about your parents?

No, I don't think they
want a foursome, either.

Ha! No, they are just here for the night.

Then they start their funeral
tour. Two funerals, one visit.

Fair play.

Bye.

Bye! OK, I'm going to go to school.

Drop some science on
the leaders of tomorrow.

What are you doing?

I'm just going to make the most
of my last few days of freedom.

I might go to a Ukip
meeting or get a tattoo.

Ugh. Don't get a tattoo.

You want to go in the...

the sitting thing.

The big soft sitting
thing with the squares...

- The couch?
- The couch.

- Couch?
- It's called a couch.

That's a silly word.

So, you're back in the Braeband fold?

That sucks.

Yeah, but look. I was watching
the news the other night

and there's this doctor in Aleppo

and he puts people back
together after they get blown up

and he just stays there and sticks it out.

And I know that's not my situation,

but my family is my Syria and I have
to work at a terrible job so that

they can eat and live in a
house, and that's just how it is.

Isn't it more that you just
couldn't get another job?

Oh, speaking of Syria...

...Catherine wants a baby.

Really? Well, that's great...

Yeah, great for you, maybe.

- How is that great for me?
- I can't do it.

Look at me. I'm an idiot.

I haven't contributed one thing to society.

What could I contribute as a father?

What?

You're funny, you're enterprising,
you have beautiful blue eyes.

Rob? If you're asking if you can
jerk me off, the answer is yes!

It's not unbearable pain. It's...

They just feel sort of hot. You know...

and lumpier than usual and...

You know, if I touch them or
run, they just feel tender.

Nipples?

Pardon?

Do your nipples feel tender?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Hmm.

You can put your top back on now.

Oh, OK.

So, I don't feel anything suspicious,

there are some fatty tissue deposits
here and there and one of your

nipples is a little cockeyed.

But that's just cosmetic.

Oh. OK.

Sorry.

Jeez, are my tits that
filthy? (SHARON CHUCKLES)

Now, if you want, we can pop in
a coil that will stop your periods

and almost certainly stop the breast pain.

What form of contraception
are you using now?

Erm, pull it out.

Erm, yeah, the pull it
out, usually, method.

- Which is, obviously, know, silly...
- Reckless.

Yeah. Right.

I thought about getting
the coil, but, you know,

I'm now and my husband's not
in great shape, so, I just thought,

what are the chances, really?

Would you like me to
assess your ovarian reserve?

- Eggs?
- Yeah.

Erm, yeah. Sure.

- How many do I have?
- Well, I'll have to take a look see.

OK, sure.

Do I need to take my tights off?

I'd recommend it.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Are you ready?

I thought we could go and get Argi wraps
before the Action for Children dinner.

Sure.

Oh, sh*t, I left my... erm...

Let me go grab my, erm...

How have you been, Rob?

Good. Great.

- How're you? How's...
- You were a real mess the night Dave OD'd.

It's none of my business, really,

but are you getting the help that you need?

Well, sure, I mean...

No, because I'm fine, you
know, it was a one-time thing.

You know, if you ever need to
talk, you can just come over,

bring Sharon.

See you later, buddy!

Couch. I'm going to look that up,

because I think you're pulling my leg!

That's our neighbours, Sebastien
and Maria. They don't speak English,

- but they have a Jacuzzi.
- Ooh!

- There's Mallandra in the Jacuzzi.
- BOTH PARENTS: Ahh!

- That's the kitchen.
- Oh!

That's not our cat, that's
just some Spanish cat.

That's our fire grill, or
parrilla, where we do our asados.

That's Spanish for "special barbecue".

Wow, really living the life of Riley.

How's business?

Well, my Spanish Uber idea hasn't got
off the ground yet for two reasons.

The Spanish drivers are unbelievably lazy,

and then, when they actually do show
up on time, people get angry with them.

If you are on time for something in Spain,

they look at you like
you have got two heads.

Point is, it's a lazy culture
with no respect for time

and you'd be better off going into
some kind of ham-based business.

They always have time for ham.

But I'm going to be marketing
leather man-bags over here

that you get in Malaga for f*ck all.

They're cheap as chips
and they are great quality.

Dad already bought one.
Dad, show us your man-bag.

- What?
- Your new bag, your leather satchel.

Oh, yeah. Here you go.

See?

- Wow.
- Do you want to buy one?

That's your business?
Selling bags to me and Des?

(SHARON SCOFFS)

Very funny. I hear you're
heading back into Braeband.

Christ, don't blow your brains
out. I thought you hated that place.

You still owe me £ , .

I'm going to get the tuna off the grill.

You all right, Sharon?
You look a bit distracted.

Huh? No, fine.

You guys should head
over to Spain for a break.

- Get a bit of sun.
- We have to settle things back home first.

We've put the house on the market.

Your father was having a bit
of trouble with the stairs.

We saw a bungalow in town.

- What?
- Next door to

Margaret Flynn's eldest daughter.

Do you remember her?

Siobhan. She is divorced now.

She's living with a
black fella from Germany.

Jesus. Why are you only
telling me this now?

Well, Siobhan has only just told me.

Not... About moving!

You're terrible communicators.

If you're having trouble, I'd like to help.

- But you have to tell me.
- Well, we're not moving back here!

I don't want to die in Walthamstow.

You're not going to die,
and this isn't Walthamstow.

Would you prefer to die in Spain, Dad?

Well, it might be nice.

Is there a phone here?

Yeah, yeah.

You can use mine. Who do you need to call?

Let Carol know I won't be home for dinner.

She's a cranky old bitch when I'm late.

Mum said from about
: , he's pretty useless.

He's like a toddler now. It's bonkers.

It's tough being away
with all this going on.

I mean, what if something happens to Dad?

Don't be stupid, nothing's
going to happen to him.

And if it does, it'll
be a long, grim march.

- A denouement.
- Ugh, No.

- You're in a sh*t mood tonight.
- I know.

I've just found out I'm, like, % barren.

- What?
- I started out with four million eggs,

clutches of eggs, and now
there is, like, a handful.

I'm just an old crone.

I should start figuring out if
I want to be buried or cremated.

Well, I think that you should be buried,

because I'd like to have
somewhere to go and visit you.

Bring Frankie and Mirren,
sit down, play my lute...

Who cares? No-one knows you're old.

No-one can see your
egg pockets or whatever.

We're lucky, genes-wise.

No-one would believe Rob
and I are the same age.

- He looks like sh*t.
- He doesn't look like sh*t!

He's just a bit... heavier at the
moment, cos he's stressed out and

he's eating a lot of
coffee-toffee ice cream, OK?

Give him a break.

- Come here.
- Oh, don't fuss!

I'm just hugging you.

I'll call you when we get to Peg's.

Call me any time.

I worry about you... and him.

(SHARON GROANS)

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, God. Just getting so old.

Everyone's getting old.

Frankie wipes his own arse
now, my eggs are dead...

Oh, honey, he doesn't...
OK, yeah, he wipes it,

but he doesn't wipe it clean.

He just wipes it around the place.

I think I'm having a hot flush.

You are not having a hot flush!

It's probably just a panic att*ck.

You think that's OK, me
sticking around for a few days?

This is really good.

- What is it?
- Meat.

- I mean... I mean, beef.
- Mmm.

- I thought so.
- I had to hone my culinary skills

when Chris left.

It's just me and Jamie Oliver now.

I just popped it in the
slow cooker and voila!

- Viola what?
- Falls off the bone.

Hello, love. Can I get you anything?

- No, thanks.
- Can you say hello to Sharon and Rob?

- Hello.
- Hi, Jeffrey.

- You've gotten tall.
- Before I forget...

- For you.
- Oh, wow.

- _
- When did this come out? I didn't see this.

Well, it came out on DVD
same time as streaming.

It didn't get a theatrical
release, because it's arthouse.

Would you like Jeffrey
to autograph it for you?

- Fran.
- For God's sake.

I'm only saying what they're thinking.

Are you working on anything
at the moment, Jeffrey?

Not really.

He's just wrapped in
Woody Allen's new film.

Robert Duvall and Emma Watson
play star-crossed lovers in Vienna.

I was worried, I won't lie.

But they have on-set tutors
to, you know, keep an eye.

Chaperones, you know.

Right, well, what have
you got coming up next?

Nothing interesting.
Mostly just American sh*t.

- Right.
- Maybe if I had a pair of tits,

I'd have a chance of
getting on Game Of Thrones.

No Star Wars either.

They're only interested in women
now, which I think is great,

but, you know, come on. Give it a rest!

I just think he's not
being honest with himself.

Or his hair.

When I asked him why he
smelt of piss that night,

he said you'd pissed on him,
which is bullshit, right?

If you piss yourself the
first night back drinking,

then you've got a problem.

The likelihood of that
being a one-time thing...

I don't think this is working.

Well, I have good news.

(SHE INHALES SHARPLY)

It is.

I-I was thinking about what you said.

About having a baby.

Yeah.

I'm not going to do that.

- You don't want kids?
- No, no, I do.

I mean, biologically and
psychologically, I want to be a dad.

Frankie made Rob a
paper boat the other day,

and I mean, it was shitty, it sank, but...

...I'd like a little
person to make me a boat.

Of course I would. But I know I shouldn't.

My ingredients are bad.

How are they bad?

You speak fluent Russian.

I am not a good person.

And I've met a lot of people
along the way who agree with me.

So I don't get the little boat.

And so what? You don't
get everything you want.

I'm pregnant.

That is wonderful news!

So, cut to the chase.

We invited you here this evening to
showcase my slow cooker, obviously,

and to say that, well,
because of the divorce,

we have to do some estate planning.

And we wanted to ask you
two if you would consider

being legal guardians to Jeffrey.

And look after him if
we die, if we both die.

Wow.

Oh...

Right, erm, wow.

- Erm...
- OK.

Well, that's... that's a lot to take in.

- Erm...
- I mean, may I ask, why us?

- Because we love you, man.
- We couldn't agree on anyone else.

Right. Well, I mean, that's
really flattering, right?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you
know, for me, it's yes.

I don't want to speak on
Sharon's behalf, but...

Right, yeah, I mean, for me, it's, erm...

But I just think out of respect
for the question and for you guys,

it's something, you know,
we should discuss at home.

Take your time.

Not too long though!

- We thought you just wanted a foursome!
- (SHARON AND ROB LAUGH)

How about Fran puts on some tea,

I have a piss and then we
come back and you say "yes"?

Well, we're not...

We're not saying no. I think what
we're probably saying is that,

- you know, we just need time to...
- I'm home!

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Is that Douglas?

You're early.

Yeah, I finished up early,
so I thought I'd pop back

to see if the Warsaw Pact
was drawing to a close.

(FRAN GIGGLES AND KISSES DOUGLAS LOUDLY)

Oh, erm...

...this is Sharon and Rob, good
friends, and this is Douglas.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Aloha.

And Chris, this is Douglas.
(FRAN CLEARS HER THROAT)

Nice to meet you, Chris.

Oh...

There you are.

There's some meat... er, beef, in
the slow cooker, if you are hungry.

No, thanks. I'd like to
die with all my own teeth.

(FRAN SCOFFS)

- Have you seen this?
- Er, no, no. We just... just got it.

So, where is the little luvvie?

We should maybe say yes,

because are both of them going
to die in the next three years?

No way. And then we'll have done
something wonderful for them,

so they'll let us stay at
their beach house, probably.

Yeah, but what if she dies of
cancer and then he dies a year later

of a different kind of cancer?

Or if he gets hit by a rubbish truck?

You know? Or what if he doesn't die?

What if he's just a vegetable?
Or has to live in an iron lung?

I don't want to look after
Chris and Jeffrey.

I mean, I love Chris, but...

I don't want to have to wash his balls.

- Really?
- No!

Look, I'm just saying we
need to read the small print.

What do we get? Yeah?

I mean, we know what they get,
they get their son taken care of,

what do we get?

Let's ask them.

I mean, maybe we get their house.

You know, we'd have to maintain
Jeffrey's deluxe lifestyle...

Yeah, because, like, what if
Daniel Radcliffe and Susan Sarandon

want to come over? You
know, they can't come here.

They should let us move into
their house, when they die.

OK, so, we say we'll do it

if they sign a contract giving us a sort of

posthumous dowry of their house?

Yeah, but just temporarily.

Until Jeffrey turns ...

Or .

Jesus.

- Talk about two birds with one stone.
- How do you mean?

Well, you were worried about no eggs

and now you're going to get an extra son

and Susan Sarandon's
coming over for dinner.

What?

What?! Why don't you say
something to make me feel better

about my no eggs?

What if you went to the
doctor and they were like,

"Oh, bad luck, you've no sperm left in you.

"What you blow into your wife
from now on will just be...

"you know, dead... glop."

I'd say, that's terrific!

No, you wouldn't. And what if you
have the urge to make more babies.

You know? What if your body's
like, "I need more babies!"

And my eggless body can't
do it, and so you leave me?

Do you not listen to me? I would
love you more if you had no eggs.

I want to be with you, our
current children and that's it.

I'm rotting, Rob.

Me too, and that's fine!

Look, your body is slowly turning
off and that's upsetting to you,

but it's supposed to happen.

And if it's any consolation,

your p*ssy still tastes
and smells delicious.

And not all of them do.

Honestly, that really means a lot.

What about Douglas, though?

Holy sh*t!

You can tell he sucks
right out of the gate.

(SHARON CHUCKLES)

(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)

What?

Can you give me a hand? I
can't get the printer working.

(SHARON SIGHS)

What do you need f*cking printing, anyway?

Nothing.

Huh?

I don't need anything printed,
I just needed to talk to you.

I've run away from Spain.

What?

I want is to leave Spain and
if Mallandra won't come back,

then I'm going to leave
Mallandra. She's horrible in Spain.

She walks around naked now,
all comfortable with her body.

Also, some of the lads
from the local canteen

had took me to a bullfight and I fainted.

So I'm pretty much
blacklisted now, socially.

I just need to figure out a way to get
the girls out of the country legally.

It's not funny.

No, but... I mean, I can see
how it's not funny to you, but...

Can you see how it's quite funny to me?

- No.
- Well, look, you can't stay here.

Where am I supposed to go?

- Where did you say your girls were again?
- Spain!

Well, there you go.

_

Oh, sh*t.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I think you know why I'm here.

I'm here to bully you into
being a guardian for my kid.

It's you guys or ape man Douglas
and I'd reanimate from the dead

to stop that fucker ever
getting his mitts on him.

Adopt my son when I die!

Mate, I'm pretty sure I can smell
booze on you. Don't you not drink?

I have the odd drink now.

OK.

Does Sharon know?

I have the odd private drink.

All right.

- You want to talk about it?
- Not really.

I mean, I didn't drink,
and now I slightly drink.

But, look, you don't need to bully
me, we'll be guardians to your son.

- There's just some fine print...
- No, you've got a lot on your plate.

Let's park it.

Why? That's...

For a good few years you
told me you shouldn't drink

and I took your word for it. And...

...now, you're drinking.

Well, OK, but...

- Look, can you...
- I won't tell Sharon.

Someone will, though. It might
be a good idea if it was you.

Hang on a second, Chris...

Listen! I know what you're
thinking and I just want to say,

I don't know if I had a
problem with booze itself,

I mean, yeah, sure, I had
problems, can you trace it to booze?

I mean, I'm not so sure. You
know, I was younger then...

Oh, f*ck! (ROB GROANS)

Oh, this is... I twisted my ankle
a few weeks ago, so that's what...

And it still... So that's what that was.

I know it would be convenient for
your little theory, but I'm fine.

I'm actually doing really well.

Hi, Pearl.