04x01 - Episode 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Catastrophe". Aired: January 2015 to February 2019.*
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"Catastrophe" begins with a one-week stand between a Boston ad exec and a London schoolteacher that leads to an accidental pregnancy. When Rob moves to the UK to help figure things out, cultures clash and hormones flare as these two realize they don't know the first thing about each other.
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04x01 - Episode 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey.

Sir, your wife is very drunk.
We've had to remove her

from our establishment, so now she's
on the streets, like rubbish.

Jesus! f*cking open your eyes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Rob!

They're gonna give me a breathalyser.

What... What?

I'm not gonna pass it.

What?

I'm sorry!

Your offence showed brazen disregard
for the safety of others.

While you claim custody would
be distressing for you,

incarceration is the only
appropriate response.

Your sentence is one of
six months' imprisonment.

You may go down.

Judge Hickey will preside in
the case of Robert Norris...

You're up. Go on!

...the Road Traffic Act 1991.

- Zip your fly.
- What?

- Your fly's undone. Zip your fly.
- OK, no, it's no problem.

Following Mr Norris's
arrest, blood was taken,

and he was found to be 40
milligrams over the limit,

- the limit being 80.
- Mr Norris?

- Judge Hickey.
- Call me "sir". We're not in Kansas.

Sir Hickey, when I was six years old,

I watched my father.

We don't have time for your
autobiography, Mr Norris.

Right. May I approach the bench?

I don't see a bench.

OK. I accept full responsibility
for my misdemeanour...

crime. Er, but this incident was
entirely out of character for me.

I was in a very difficult place
emotionally, Your Honour, sir,

as it had not been long
since I found out that, er,

my wife had...

masturbated off a young
student, a college boy,

on the roof of a nightclub.

I'm sorry. I just thought if I could
deflect some of the stink onto you,

300 years ago, if you'd
have pulled that crap,

I'm the one who would've been sent
down, with a scarlet letter on me.

300 years ago you were
SUPPOSED to drive drunk.

- What, and you're Muireann?
- You're Muireann.

Do you wanna drive?

Oh, sh*t, sorry. Forgot.

Not allowed to, because you're
a drunk driver and a fugitive.

I'm not a fugitive. I turned myself in!

You didn't turn yourself in!

If you could've run away from
the scene of the accident,

I'm a hundred percent
confident you would've.

You wish you were a fugitive.

You were arrested, so you're a criminal.

A criminal in a neck brace.

What a f*cking catch!

I mean, I feel like I'm under
surveillance with Sharon now.

You know. It's, like, I never
had much privacy before,

- but now it's, like, Stasi level.
- What's Stasi?

- East German secret police.
- Well, at least she gives a sh*t.

Most women would've flown
the coop after that stunt.

That's true. But it's still... menacing.

And you haven't drunk since?

- No.
- Why not?

What's changed, other than that
p*ssy magnet round your neck?

Honestly, the only thing that's changed

is that I now know that my
drinking could k*ll someone

other than myself. I mean, I
didn't care if I got hurt,

but I don't wanna k*ll any
civilian bystanders or my kids.

You might not have cared
if you'd got hurt,

but did you think about how
lonely I'd have been without you,

you fat c**t?

Can we talk about
anything other than me?

With pleasure. Let's talk about me.

How's your new girlfriend?

Oh, I dunno, mate.

It's moving at warp speed over here.

She wants to move in. Got us a
family membership at the gym,

which was, like, "Whoa, there, Nelly!"

What's her name?

- Nelly.
- Really?

No, it's Tanya. Hey,
do you wanna meet her?

- What you doing this weekend?
- I have community service

for the next 215 weekends,
in a f*cking charity shop.

Christ. It's humiliating.

Yeah.

It's probably less humiliating than
having to ask a judge's permission

to go to your wife's funeral

because you backed over
her in the driveway.

- Yeah.
- OK. Have a great weekend.

- How'd you even know I was here?
- You told me.

It was in your calendar.
I forget. Who cares?

Honey, I'm on probation from the state,

and they're doing a pretty good job.

I'm accounted for. You
need to stop following me.

Don't say it like that, like I'm
obsessed with you or something.

This isn't Fatal Attraction.

There's 25 pubs between
here and our house

that I can't trust you to walk past
because you're a secret alcoholic.

I'm not a secret alcoholic. I
told you that the night we met.

OK, then. A lying alcoholic.

This is inconvenient
for me too, you know.

Seriously, why are there
so many pubs around here?

Don't they have zoning laws?
It's, like, pub, JD Sports,

pub, bike shop, pub, William
Hill, pub, Pret, pub,

Pret, Pret, pub, Pret...

So, how did you guys get into the whole

cerebral-palsy charity scene?

- My daughter has cerebral palsy.
- Oh! Oh, great.

- Er, I mean, it makes sense that...
- I have cerebral palsy.

Hey, have guys ever seen
Last Comic Standing?

Do you guys watch that show?

A cerebral-palsy guy did that,

and he won the whole thing,
because, as you know,

people with cerebral
palsy can do anything.

I can't drive.

Well... neither can I!

Yeah!

Any chance I can put my
appropriate-weight son on there?

f*ck's sake.

Play on the slide instead. Go on there.

Hello! Cerebral palsy... busters.

Do you wanna take us for lunch?

I need a drink.

I dunno if I can. They run
kind of a tight ship here.

Nothing happens in charity shops.

Just ask them if you can pop to Greggs

for a f*cking sausage roll.

- I had Greggs for breakfast.
- What? You had breakfast at home.

- Yeah, but then I passed one, so...
- "Just ask them!"

OK! Jesus. Hang on.

Sorry. Um, excuse me. Hi. Um,
that's my wife on the phone,

and she's wondering
when my lunch hour is,

- cos she's on her own with the kids.
- Oh, we don't take a lunch break.

We just bring sandwiches in, in
case there's a lunchtime rush.

OK.

Yeah. It's not happening.

Listen, why don't you take the
kids somewhere nice for lunch...

- you know, treat yourself?
- Yeah! OK.

Because, as we both know,
lunch somewhere nice

with two loud, dirty children
under the age of four

is a real f*cking treat.

See you at home.

- I have my AA meeting tonight.
- Again?!

Well, I mean, you don't really
graduate from alcoholism.

So I'm supposed to watch Game Of
Thrones on my own, like a pervert?

- Well, I...
- Fine.

If anything designer
gets donated by mistake,

put it aside for me, OK? Bye.

Have you thought about a bit of therapy?

We've thought about it,

but we don't really wanna hear
our terrible problems out loud.

Chris always likened
therapy to taking a sh*t.

Better to do it in the therapist's
office than stink up your own home.

I can only sh*t at home.

Well, whatever works for you.

Can't be easy being
married to a criminal.

- Where's Jeffrey today?
- He's moved out,

and moved in with Chris.

Turned down a role in a Vin Diesel movie

- to do Twelfth Night at the theatre.
- God, that's rough.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- We fell out.

But I'm quite happy on my
own in my bachelorette pad.

I haven't put a bra on
before 4:00 PM all week.

Hello!

- Rob, right?
- Hi.

- Thank you for...
- Oh, finish your biscuit.

- Just, er, wanted to say that...

I realised, what you were
sharing about your accident,

that I was there! On Redchurch Street.

- I was actually there that night.
- You were there?

Yeah! I'm so relieved you're OK.

I'm... not telling you
this to make you feel bad,

but, um, I had to go to the
hospital too that night.

I got... some of your
windscreen in my leg.

Some glass splintered and cut
me, if you can believe it.

I had no idea anyone
else... I'm so sorry!

Don't worry about it! I'm just
glad you found your way here.

A lot of people don't. For me,
it was losing my husband.

He d*ed five years ago next week.

I was blacked out as usual.

They think I probably
knocked over a candle.

They got me out, the firemen, but
they didn't reach him in time.

Oh, God!

Jesus, I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you, love.

Oh, yeah! And you said in your share

that you've been listening
to a lot of Radiohead.

Try to get better, OK,

not wank off to your little
man-feelings. See you next week.

Jesus!

So, was he, like, cooked,
or was it smoke inhalation?

I dunno. I'll ask her next time.

So, what age is she?
What's she look like?

Er, 35, 60.

She looks sorta mousy.

Mouse-like?

She looked like she was
transforming into a mouse,

and then got interrupted mid-spell.

Wow! So, you've been
thinking about her a lot?

Well, it's just... I feel responsible.

There's probably a statute
of limitations anyway.

It's not a r*pe. She just cut her leg.

If she was hurt, then, of course
we should help her in some way.

All I'm saying is, was she really hurt?

- She had to go to the hospital.
- Had to? Come on.

And also, you know, you go out 11:30
on a Saturday night in London,

you might get some glass in your leg,

so whose fault is it really?

I think we've seen it all now, yeah?
Let's go and get some nosh...

- What?
- Can I have this?

Don't you have one of those?

- No.
- Gimme a look.

Oh, come on!

Let's have a look in that bin!

Look at those guys, huh?

What about this little fella?

I want Daddy.

Gimme a look at it. What's that?

- Hello.
- Can I get this? - Yeah.

Thank you.

Excuse me. We're gonna be
closing soon, and... Oh, hey!

Amanda?

I was just at physio around the corner,

and I remembered you saying
you were working here.

Thought I'd drop in and
say hi, and get this.

Oh, just so you know, I
inventoried that earlier,

and somebody's replaced the
bishops with Monopoly hotels.

I guess just remember, bishop,
hotel, and you should be fine.

A plastic bag...

You look stressed.

Um, it's just... you know, I feel guilty

that my wife is looking after
the kids, and I'm here,

folding doilies.

Well, look, think about it this way.

At least you didn't burn your house
down while your husband was in it.

- Wow!
- I'm joking.

I mean, I'm not joking. That happened.

But I always think, "What
would God want me to do?"

Flagellate myself in my basement
for the rest of my life,

or come to places like this
and help people like you?

You have to forgive
yourself. I forgive you!

- Oh, I...
- Are you OK?

I'm sorry. Yes.

Just... a little dizzy.

Skipped lunch earlier, and between
that and my leg, I, er...

Could you... possibly... walk me home?

- It... It's really not far.
- I...

Could I call you a taxi instead?

It's just I've been gone all
day. I really need to get home.

No. It's OK. I... I get carsick.

It... It is fine. I'll manage.

Bishop, hotel.

- What were you doing in Dalston?
- What?

Did you go drinking? Did you
go drinking under the bridge?

No! The lady with the limp
asked me to walk her home.

You walked the
glass-in-her-leg lady home?

- Well, I couldn't say no.
- Oh, my God.

Her leg was hurting.

- What do you want me to do?
- I want you to stop farting your guilt

onto some lady, who's taking
you for a ride, by the way.

I can feel it. Seriously, you
need to get some advice on this,

because this is gonna end badly.

You need to talk to a lawyer.

Get them to send a
cease-and-desist letter.

Cease and desist from
asking me to walk her home?

Do not get caught up in her sh*t, Rob!

- Don't go there again!
- Fine!

Seriously, why am I dragging
kids around f*cking museums

when you're working as an escort?

Honestly, it'd be easier if you just...

lived in China than this sh*t.

Spend what little time you have,

when you're not getting arrested
or having probation hearings

- with your family.
- She's a f*cking fire widow

that I injured in a car accident
I'm trying to help out,

and who has a shaving of sympathy
for what I'm going through.

- Oh, please!
- How did you know I was in Dalston?


- Find my phone.
- What?

- The app thing.
- You need to stop surveilling me, OK?

I'm not planning a bank robbery.

I'm going to AA. I'm
working in a charity shop,

plus my real job, and I'm
doing the best I can.

And you're just... I mean, it's, like...

making a m*rder*r up in here.

Are you trying to DRIVE
me back to the bottle?

Oh, my God!

Now I've heard it all! Does
that make you feel good,

- blaming it on me?
- It feels great!

- Those are for Frankie's lunch.
- Really?

Did HE pay for 'em?

Or did I?

Oh, my God!

The receipt's in the
bag. Have a good day.

- Hi. - How are you?
- Yeah, just gonna grab those.

Sorry. It's just...

Um... just a minute.

That isn't the right
price tag for this pair.

- Hm?
- That's the wrong price tag.

Is it?

- Did you swap the tag?
- Why would I swap a tag?

- Because these cost ?150 more.
- Really?

- Well, that's... aggravating.
- Do you still want them?

Yes, I still want them.
That's why I'm buying them.

But I'd be grateful if you
could find the right tag.

You have the tag.

What?

I can only think that my son
must have swapped the tags,

- because...
- Your son picked out a waist-27 jean?

You know what? I don't
know how this happened.

- I know how it happened.
- But what's the big deal, really?

Cos next month they're gonna be in
the sale for that price anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you work here?

Because most of the time

it's the f*cking owners who
determine if there's a sale on.

Was it worth it, to get
some cheaper jeans?

They're probably gonna be
too tight on you anyway.

- Pardon?
- You heard me.

You know I could call the police.

Do you think they're gonna put
you in some nice ladies' cell,

because you're a nice lady?

There's no such thing.

And do you know where they
go, if you get arrested?

They don't go with you.

Sir, my husband's an alcoholic.

My children don't have a father...

this weekend, and it's just...

It's just really hard. It's
just really hard right now.

- Yeah?
- Oh, er... Is Amanda...

I've got, er...

- I'm sorry. Are you a friend of hers?
- No. I'm her husband.

Hello?

Hi. Oh. Is Rob there?

No. He left his phone here,
and a large Burger King bag.

Hold on.

There's a orange Fanta
in it, and some socks.

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

He left about an hour ago.

He left... OK. Thanks.

I left the money for the... on the...

Rob! Rob!

Oh!

Agh!

Oh...

Mummy?

Oh...

"I'm so sorry. I had to pick up
my phone from the charity shop,

and then by the time I."

OK!

OK.

Can I help you?

Oh! Er, I was looking for Rob.

- Oh, he's not at home. He's...
- May I come inside and wait for him?

Erm... do you know what? Let
me get the pushchair inside.

Er, you know what? Actually, um...

Let me give him a call,
because I can tell him that.

Hey! What the hell?!

- Did she hurt you?
- What? No, I fell over.

You cannot come here.

You cannot come to my home.

Why are you angry? I don't understand.

I just met your husband, OK?

Your ALIVE husband.

You might not get jail
time for burning somebody

in a bullshit story, but you
should at least get a fine.

I mean, are you even an alcoholic?

Is your name even Amanda?

It's probably f*ckin' Joan.

You called it. My smart
wife. She f*ckin' knew.

Rob, maybe we could talk about
this somewhere in private.

Never come near me and my family again,

unless you wanna take another
trip to the hospital.

That's too much!

- Come on!
- I'm sorry, OK?

I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.

Have a... good evening.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you should be.

Because that scared everyone,
me, limp lady, the kids...

And the neighbours.

Mike Walls just called
and asked if we were OK.

What you tell him?

I told him to give me
back my cordless drill.

I am sorry.

Can I ask you something?

Were you unhappy the whole time?

Like when we had that weekend in
Margate, were you unhappy there?

What about when we
went to Whipsnade Zoo?

Were you drinking in Whipsnade?

- No. Why would I...
- But you weren't happy.

You didn't love being a
dad and a husband enough

to not drink vodka in the basement.

Honey, those things can coexist.

Did you ever drive with the kids
in the car when you were drinking?

- No. God, no. I would never...
- Ah, so just with me, then.

Honey, I need you to try
and trust me again,

just so you don't worry or panic

when you don't know where I am,

and feel like you have to track me.

I'm not doing that cos
I don't trust you.

Well, then, why are you?

Because I get scared
when I can't see you.

OK? I had to look at you in
the m*nled wreck of a car.

From the time it took me to run
from that shitty pizza place

to the car, I thought you were dead.

Oh, honey!

Agh!

Just don't die on me.

The kids would be f*cked
if you die first.

Well, I mean, they'd be way
more f*cked if you d*ed first.

Dunno about that. I don't feel
like much of a mother right now.

I got caught stealing today
from a shop, with the kids,

like a meth-head. I nearly got arrested.

Why are you laughing?

Because that's, like, a
garden-variety cry for help.

Well, then, help me.

Answer my cry for help.

What did you steal?

A dinosaur pillow and a pair of jeans.

Oh, well, then, it's
just a matter of time

before the SWAT team gets here.

f*ck off.

Check out Bonnie and Clyde here.

I'm so sorry! I... It's the neck brace.

- Oh.
- I... Sorry. I just...

It's... Shall I turn around,
and then you can...

- Oh, sure.
- Cos then I don't... Yeah.

Wait. No. Sorry. Sorry. Now I
can see you in the mirror.

What... Er, should I turn the light off?

Yeah, that'd be great.
Sorry. Thanks so much.

- Ah!
- Ooh!
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