♪ ♪
[mutters]
[toilet flushes]
- Artie.
- [gasps]
- Artie.
- What the f*ck, man?
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
You're a weirdo. What the f*ck
are you doing in my house? Come on!
I... I let myself in.
I still have a key.
You don't just let yourself
in. This is my f*cking house!
You trying to give me a heart att*ck?
- I'm sorry, man. I don't...
- I live here.
I don't have anywhere to go, Artie.
It was either this
or the Port Authority.
But what are you doing
here? Why are you here?
I was fired, okay?
- I was fired.
- You were fired already?
That's amazing. You got an edge to ya.
What happened? How'd
you get fired already?
- I was doing warm-up for Rachael Ray.
- Right.
- I go out, regular crowd.
- Yeah.
- I'm cooking, I'm cooking.
- You're cooking?
There's an older woman,
and I... I messed with her.
- I did some blue material.
- Right.
- It was Rachael Ray's mom.
- [laughs]
You messed with Rachael Ray's
mom? That sounds hilarious.
And then they yelled at me,
and I'm fired, and I
don't have my job anymore,
and I'm back at your house.
All right. I got the rundown.
Maybe give a man a
heads up if the mother
of the star of the show is
gonna be in the audience.
Yeah, okay, okay.
It's... it's on them.
Listen, I got news for you.
I... I can't have this sh*t in
my house, okay? I told you that.
- I'm gonna finish it.
- Yeah, you're not gonna finish it.
I'm taking this the f*ck outta
here. Artie, you can't have this.
It's Mike's Hard Lemonade.
You're an alcoholic.
Dude, I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not Hannah Montana.
What the f*ck? I can handle it.
Artie, Hannah Montana would
drink Mike's Hard Lemonade,
because we've let her
slip into Miley Cyrus.
- Right.
- She used to be Hannah Montana.
She used to be pure, she
used to be golden light,
and now she's out there licking poles
and children at the Teen Choice
Awards get a look right at her vag*na.
Yeah, you know, listen. Let's get
to breakfast. We gotta sober you up.
♪ Tuh! I like to make money ♪
I don't understand why
we're eating breakfast here.
Why can't we eat
breakfast in a strip club?
That was... Oh, hi.
Hey, sweetie. How you
doing? Good to see ya.
Where's that smile I ordered?
There's an ass right by your head.
Yeah, that's the point, you know.
Well, look at it. Go ahead.
♪ ♪
I don't see anything.
I'm just seeing you.
That is an odd choice, man...
Between me and a woman's ass, I mean.
This isn't helping breakfast.
Wow! It's such a surprise
that your wife wanted
the company of somebody else. Man!
Do you talk like this around her?
- I happen to be a very sexual person.
- Oh yeah?
I just don't flap it around
like a d*ck in the wind.
Is that your type? That's not
your type? What is your type?
If I was in the privacy
of my own home with this,
I would have wonderful, consensual sex
with this woman if we
went out 12 to 14 times.
You can have consensual
sex with any of these women
as long as you give them, like, $400.
What's really weird is I was
supposed to be at a baptism today.
Well, why would you
want to go to a baptism?
My roommate from college, his wife
went through the whole thing.
She's getting baptized today.
Why do you still talk to
your college roommate's wife?
I don't talk to my sister anymore.
- Sweetie, come here. How you doing? Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi. [laughs nervously]
- Woman: Hi.
- Artie: Come here.
- Oh.
♪ We the winners, natural born sinners ♪
My buddy here is not that experienced.
- Give him an education. You understand?
- Okay.
- Whatever...
- Let's just leave it alone.
Shut up. You're gonna love this.
- Fine, but I'm doing this under protest.
- What's to protest?
- Hi. You have very strong hands.
- Hi.
You're dancing with a
hot chick under protest.
- I don't know what to do with you, man.
- I don't know what to do.
Clearly. Don't come back
until you have hepatitis C.
Okay.
Go get 'em, buddy.
[rock music playing]
♪ We want... flesh ♪
- [giggles] Just sit down.
- Sure.
- It's like Jambi's house.
- All right, sit down.
It's not as soft as
I thought it would be,
- but... lovely.
- Open your legs.
- Okay.
- ♪ Flesh for fantasy ♪
Now, tell me what you like.
[nervously] Oh. I
like, uh... free WiFi...
Matt Damon.
I love breakfast for dinner.
♪ Flesh for fantasy ♪
It's great. It's, um... it's a lot.
- Just relax.
- Hey. Um...
I didn't know there was, uh...
This is... this is the lap part then.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're a very good dancer.
Mmm. Do you like that?
- Yeah.
- Do you like to dance?
- I...
- Just relax, okay? Enjoy.
- Yeah?
- Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah.
There's so many signs
that say "no touching."
Oh, that's okay.
Your friend ordered...
- ♪ Neighbor to neighbor, door to door ♪
- ...off menu.
- What's your name?
- My name's Peter.
- Mmm. Pete.
- Short for Pete.
- [laughing] Okay. No, no, no.
- Give it up, Pete.
- Do you like that?
- It's just I'm a ticklish boy.
- Isn't this fun? You having fun?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- [moans]
- Pete.
- Pete. I'm sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Hold on.
- [music playing]
- Sorry. This is... this is degrading.
- Degrading?
- Just...
- For who?
- For you.
For me?
You are... you're being degraded, right?
- Excuse me?
- You're grinding on me for... for cash.
What the f*ck do you do for a living?
I'm a... I'm a stand-up. I do comedy.
- Oh sh*t. A f*cking comedian?
- Yeah.
Oh. Okay, so you-you...
You stand up on stage
at a bar and show your
comedy titties to strangers,
- and that's okay?
- It's my passion?
No one's a f*cking bigger
degenerate than a comic!
I used to date Jim Norton.
He owes me f*cking $4,000.
- I...
- He can't even afford to get
his own parking spot in Manhattan.
- You got a parking spot?
- No.
I make $1,400 a night.
How much do you make?
- Uh...
- What are you gonna do when you're 60?
Tell jokes at f*cking
Yuk Yuk's in Calgary?
- What?
- You think you're funny?
You think you're funnier
than Katt Williams?
I don't do that kind of humor. I'm...
Every m*therf*cker and their
mother has a one-hour special.
There's more demand, because people have
an appreciation for the art form.
[emphatically] It don't mean d*ck!
Comedy d*ed with Richard Pryor.
You know what? I'm done
talking to your ass.
We got three more songs, and I don't
wanna hear nothing else no more.
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- Three more songs.
Spank it, you Jim Gaffigan rip-off!
What?
I'm gonna give you some
balls before you leave here.
Okay, that didn't feel good.
See you later.
Oh... God.
sh*t.
So, where to now?
I feel worse. You liked that?
What are you talking about,
"liked that"? Of course.
- You don't like that?
- It was depressing. She yelled at me.
Where the f*ck are you from?
I mean, I can't believe it.
You never been to a
legs and eggs before.
I'm a bad friend, Artie.
I should be with my friend today.
- I should be at the baptism.
- Fine! I'll go to the baptism with you.
You want to go to a baptism?
I'm a comedian. I work
45 minutes a night.
I got tons of hours
to k*ll during the day.
- Hey, Artie.
- Yeah, gimme the...
Hey! Jimmy Norton.
- How you doing?
- Good to see you, man.
Good to see you, buddy. Are
you going for the breakfast?
It's the best time to come.
Always come before noon.
[Artie laughs]
The girls need you
more than you need them.
You really f*cking drive
down prices before noon.
Good news. We're on
our way to a baptism.
- Oh. Pray for me, will ya?
- Artie: Of course.
- Nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.
♪ ♪
Artie: Is there air
conditioning under that tent?
Pete: No, it's outside.
It's like a wedding.
Pay attention. You might get
something out of it, you know?
- [people chattering]
- I gotta pay attention?
I'm beginning to feel like I'm
on the opposing team's court.
- ♪
♪
- [people chattering]
Thank you, Lord, for this...
Dude, I'm freaking out. When do they
bring out the Nikes and Kool-Aid?
- After the service or before?
- Hey.
Pete: These are good people.
They're loving people.
They'll be very nice to
you. Just try to blend in.
- Pete? Hey.
- Hey, Skowie.
What's up, man? I'm so
glad you could make it.
- Nice to see you.
- You too.
- Ellen, hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
- So good to see you.
- Hi.
- Hey, how you doing? Artie Lange.
- How you doing? All right? Yeah, okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Take care of yourself.
- All right, take care.
- Elf?
- That's my friend Artie, yeah.
- He's in Elf. We love that movie.
- Yeah.
- It's a great film.
- Steve: We rent a movie every Friday.
- We call it "movie night."
- [both laugh]
- [baby coos]
- And who's this?
- Can you say hi, Penny?
- "Hi, Petey."
- "I'm Penny."
- Hey. Can I hold her?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, of course. Watch the head.
- Oh my goodness. Uh-oh.
- [Penny fusses]
- Steve: Uh-oh.
- I know.
- Yeah.
- ♪ It's time to be a baby ♪
- ♪ Holding baby ♪
- [both laugh]
Just pull her dress
down, Peter, in the back.
Yeah. Hi.
This is amazing. I'm so happy for you.
Getting baptized. This is huge.
It's been an eventful year.
I just think this is a
really good time to hit reset
and just rededicate myself to the Lord.
Steve: Wow. Okay. All right, just...
Just behind... behind her
head. You always want the butt.
The butt and the head.
Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.
Steve: Okay, all right,
Peter. Okay, look at that.
- Okay, we'll take her back.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Okay. All right.
- My God. My God. Okay.
- Steve: There we go.
- Okay, sorry.
- There he is. Peter.
- Speaking of. Nice to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you, Steven, Ellen.
- Hi, Pastor.
- Thanks so much. I'm so excited.
- Big day today.
- I hope that's not a new dress.
- [laughter]
- Now that is a comedian.
- He's so funny.
- Pete, we should catch up.
- I would love to.
- You wanna...?
- Yeah, let's walk over to our office.
Yeah, sure, great.
- [crying]
- "Bye, Peter. Bye, Pastor."
- Bye, Penny. See ya, Skowie.
- Ellen: Thanks again for coming.
So, what's up? How are you?
- I'm... I'm fine. I'm... I'm good.
- You sure?
Yeah. I'm good. Why?
Just, you know, you hear things.
I don't know what people
have been saying, but...
Hey, that's... that's fine.
We don't have to talk about it.
I just wanted to bring you
in and offer you some support,
and I'd love to lift you up
in prayer, if that's okay.
Yeah, of course. That...
that would be great.
Great. So...
Heavenly Father,
we want to thank you
for this glorious day
and this opportunity to sit
down with our brother Peter
and help him through this trying
and wicked, debaucherous time.
You are with us... especially
when we need you the most.
- Yes, Lord.
- And as Pete has lowered himself
to begging on the
streets of Manhattan...
pleading with strangers for money,
- for food, Lord, we ask... Yes?
- Sorry.
I... I'm not begging on the streets.
- That... that's not...
- Julie Chaney said she saw you
panhandling in the West Village.
You were wearing ragged clothes, and...
- No. No, no, no.
- It was very sad.
I... I'm doing stand-up.
I'm handing out flyers.
- Okay.
- So, I'm not...
Dear God, we ask that you forgive Peter
for sins, for laws he may have broken,
especially laws involving arson,
also the laws that don't involve arson.
- Okay, no. I'm so sorry.
- And we...
Again, I haven't broken any laws.
Okay, Adam Johnson, he
reads the police blotter,
and he told me that there
was a fire at your house,
and you fled the scene.
You burnt down a garage.
I didn't... Okay, no. That's...
That's another misunderstanding.
There... there wa...
I had a garage sale,
Jess and I, and there was a fire,
but I didn't flee the scene.
I left with some things...
Okay.
...and the fire was extinguished.
Are you doing dr*gs?
Am I... No, I'm not doing dr*gs.
Okay, Stacey Chase
said she saw you tweet
about having the munchies.
Hashtag-FlamingHotCheetos.
I smoked some pot, yeah.
Can we... I wanna get back out, so...
- Okay, let's just finish this up then.
- Yeah.
- All right? Lord...
- Yeah.
Pete's marriage has fallen apart.
- Yes, Father.
- And we know it's because
Jess had an affair.
Oh, sorry, I thought you
were gonna stop me again.
That one's correct, yes.
Lord, forgive Peter for
forcing his wife into
the arms of another man.
Is it true that you walked
in on her with two men?
- No.
- Kevin Sparks has a p*rn addiction
that he's dealing
with, and he said he saw
a video of you two on
a cuckolding website.
- That wasn't us.
- That wasn't you.
Can you wrap it up? Amen.
I... I have to say it. Amen.
You know, Jess is here today.
- She is?
- Yeah. She's here.
- [people chattering]
- [laughs]
- ♪
♪
- [kids shouting]
- How you doing?
- Hey.
- Having a good time?
- Yeah. How about you?
Are you kidding? Look at
me. I'm Christian mingling.
- I'm Artie, by the way.
- Stephanie. Hi.
Nice to meet ya.
You with anybody or hanging out?
Oh, just hanging out.
Hey, uh... how does this work?
I thought they only baptized babies.
- Well, I mean, some churches do.
- Yeah.
We prefer it when people can
make their own big decisions,
- so we do it with adults...
- Uh-huh. Oh yeah.
...kind of like John
the Baptist with Jesus.
Oh. Oh, right. Okay.
Good guy, John the Baptist.
Not a lot of career options
with that name, John the Baptist.
It's like my cousin, Joe the Foot.
He's a foot?
- He's got one foot.
- Oh.
I'm gonna go sit down. See you.
So, I'll see you later then
for sure, right? All right.
This is free, I hope. Right?
- ♪
♪
- [people chattering]
- Hey. Hi.
- Oh, my God. Pete.
Sorry, I... I wasn't
expecting to see you.
- Well...
- I thought you weren't going to church.
Well, no, I'm here to support Ellen.
- Ellen?
- Yeah.
I thought you hated Ellen.
I mean, I kinda do, but
she invited me, so...
I'm here for Steve.
- Where's Leif?
- Oh, he's not here. He's...
- It's...
- What?
It's over.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
I thought it was this whole other thing,
and then he said he
was leaving his wife,
but he was still with her, so...
Are they... Are they still together?
One assumes.
I'm so sorry.
Then she called and threatened
me, so she has my number,
which has been really fun.
Wow.
I've spent a lot of the past week...
fantasizing about you guys breaking up,
but now I just feel terrible for you.
That's weird. I was so worried
about you this whole time,
and it seems like you're
doing better than all of us.
[scoffs] I don't know.
It's...
not exactly what I thought
out there, you know?
- Really?
- I don't...
Pastor: Hello, everyone! Good afternoon.
Before we begin today's journey,
I want to invite all
of you to a game of TAG.
- [softly] He still does this?
- And no, I don't mean
we're gonna run around
and chase each other.
- [people laugh]
- Laughs every time.
No, I mean some T-A-G,
"Time Alone with God."
Let's take advantage of
these beautiful grounds.
I want everyone to take a walk
and clear your minds,
open your hearts to
what's about to happen.
So, I'll see you all in a few minutes
Please return at the
sound of the triangle.
[chimes]
[people chattering]
- Jess...
- Pete, listen,
Could, uh, could we do this whole
"walk in the woods" thing together?
I... I don't wanna be
alone with God, you know?
It gets in my head, and
then I go to a bad place.
- Hold on, Artie.
- I-I... uh...
[sighs] Yeah. I... I need
to smoke. I need a smoke.
Jess. Hey.
Do you, uh, do you
mind if I walk with you?
Time alone with God, right?
Feels familiar.
Yeah, I feel like a tourist.
Like, this used to
be our life, you know.
I'm sorry, I feel like
I need to do this alone.
Oh. So... I'm sorry.
No, I just... I have
a lot to think about.
You know, being back here
and seeing all these people
just reminds me of what I
used to have and what I want.
I don't know.
Excuse me. Okay.
♪ ♪
[birds chirping]
Hey. How you doing?
- Hey.
- Hey, uh...
you mind if I bum one
of those? Yeah, thanks.
Not a big woods guy, so thank you.
These things are valuable here.
[lighter flicks]
Ah.
Thank you.
Oh, that feels good.
The cigarette after lunch is like
one of the 40 best
cigarettes of the day.
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Come on. Time alone with God?
- Come on. Come on.
- That's your question?
I don't know. Staring
into leaves and sh*t,
all this spirituality. I mean...
You want to know how
I'm buying into all this?
You seem like a reasonable person.
You seem rational, right. You...
Yeah, I wanna know if it's
real or if it's bullshit,
because if it's real,
I gotta talk to ya.
I don't know. I need
more details. I just do.
[loudly] ♪ Early in the morning ♪
♪ My soul ♪
♪ Will rise ♪
♪ To thee ♪
♪ Only Thou art holy ♪
♪ Lord God almighty ♪
♪ God ♪
♪ In three persons ♪
- ♪ Blessed trees ♪
- Jess: Leave me alone!
- Hey!
- Jess: Just get out of here!
- Get away from me! Stop it!
- Hey!
- You're scaring me!
- Jess!
- [grunts] Oh God.
- [yelps]
- Huh?
- What? Leif?
- What are you doing here?
- I can't believe you followed me here.
You're not answering my calls, Jess.
Of course I'm not answering your
calls. I don't want to talk to you.
I had to follow you to talk to you.
- What is he doing here?
- This is our church.
We're members. We belong here.
Okay. Fine. I understand that.
- Peter, Jess...
- Ow.
I have to say I'm so, so sorry.
I made a huge mistake.
I came here to tell you
- that I talked to my wife.
- You said it was done before.
I'm so sorry it took so long,
but she is a scary human being.
She would grab me, be physical with me,
and toss me around,
and I had to take it.
I don't know what abuse is, but
I'm pretty sure she abused me.
I met his wife. She wasn't that scary.
You're a f*cking hippie douche bag.
What were the last seven months, Jess?
This started seven months ago?
It wasn't serious for that long.
Oh, just casual adultery?
You're in the program, right?
What makes you think I'm in the program?
- Well, I'm looking at your face.
- Oh!
You look like you snorted the Big Book.
Oh! Thank you, sweetie.
I run into Don Rickles in the woods.
- Are you in the program?
- Yeah.
It's not helping me, obviously,
and clearly something's helped you.
I... I'm looking for something,
but I can't buy into this.
I mean, come on, you know
about the higher power.
That's the one part I
could never buy into.
Why not?
Because what is... That's so vague.
Higher power? What does that mean?
- It's the easiest part.
- So, what is it? Be specific.
It's about letting go and
not holding onto something.
- It's just letting go.
- Letting go of what?
I mean, I don't know. Like, look around.
Who made all this? You
think that just happened?
That's the best argument, I guess.
I don't know, but to me, we could be
on the set of Jurassic Park.
- [chuckles] You know?
- And that would be cool?
Yeah, but it wouldn't be God. [laughs]
It would be, you know,
teamsters and a couple of guys
in the Carpenter's Union
who Spielberg knows.
My point is, there's an
explanation for everything.
- This could be man-made.
- It's not.
Oh. Convince me.
I need a real relationship!
You're off on another planet.
Explain our love.
I was in a trance and now I'm out of it.
We just had good sex together,
and that was confusing to me,
'cause I'd never had an orgasm before,
and that's what was really
messing with my mind.
But it was just an orgasm!
Our 11-hour sessions
are one of the deepest, most ritualistic
experiences of love I've ever had,
and I need that with you, forever.
My friends think I'm like
a wicked f*cking idiot
who had sex with the hand-turkey guy!
You're not even a real artist, okay?
- I'm an idiot for f*cking you!
- [mutters] Thank you.
That all hurts, and I thank you
for having the courage to give it to me,
but whatever person
you need me to become,
- I will become that.
- I don't want you to become that.
- I want you to be that!
- I will be that after I become it!
It's over, okay?
Jess, we can't end an
argument negatively.
[scoffs] What, is she...
Is she always like that?
- What do you want me to say?
- Give me the courage.
It's like quantum physics,
right? Like string theory.
- Yeah?
- You ever notice how the further down
you get into the sub-sub-
subatomic particles
the more mystery there
is, the less we understand?
I don't get it on the most just
basic and most surface of levels.
What I'm saying is that
it's all the same thing.
Science and religion and all of that,
it's all the same. It's just
us trying to understand it all.
Science is trying to photograph it,
and people go to church
to try to feel it.
Honestly, I'm trying to pretend that I
understand what you're talking about,
but in high school, I thought the
blue part of the globe was the sky,
so I'm not deep. I don't understand
what the hell you're talking about.
I know that it's hard to not
have anything to believe in,
- but it's easier if you try.
- Uh. Eh.
I... I guess, but, look,
I've done a lot of bad things.
I've probably done a lot worse than you.
Oh, come on. Now, you know,
I'm calling the bullshit.
What did you do?
That's not a first-time-we-meet
conversation.
Well, maybe it's a
second-time-we-meet conversation.
Well, you know, I... I'll try it.
- I'll give it a sh*t.
- Okay.
- You believe me?
- Yeah, I believe you.
That's where girls go wrong.
[triangle chiming]
- Come on.
- Oh. All right.
[flute playing]
♪ Christ of my own heart ♪
♪ Whatever befall ♪
♪ Still be my vision ♪
♪ Oh, ruler of all ♪
[applause]
Pastor: Wasn't that lovely?
You'll notice there are no
babies being baptized today,
- that's it's not just for water safety.
- [laughter]
Pastor: It's because we
practice a believer's baptism.
And unlike, say, the Catholics, who are
sprinklin babies all Willy-nilly...
- [laughter]
- ...we have a three-week course.
So, Glen.
♪ ♪
[whispers] You need to leave Jess alone.
[whispers] Do not interfere
in our destiny, Peter.
Do you pledge your life to
the service and love of Christ?
[exhales] I do.
- [laughs]
- Welcome home, brother.
- [applause]
- Oh yeah!
[whooping] Praise Jesus!
Glen: Yee-haw-yoo!
Pastor: We all need forgiveness.
We all need redemption.
We all need to come home, right?
That's what this is about.
All of us stray from the path sometimes.
[whispers] Your wife tried to
Shania Twain me, by the way.
- [pastor continues speaking]
- What does that mean?
It means she tried to f*ck me.
Just like the church, we represent God,
welcoming you home.
Sure, you've made some mistakes,
you've done some things
you're not proud of,
you made some choices that you regret.
Church is still here.
God forgives you. All
you have to do is ask.
Isn't that good news?
- Ellen.
- Let's do this.
- You ready to come home?
- Wait!
- Ellen: Wait what?
- Jess! Jess!
- I need this!
- No, unacceptable. I'm next. I'm second.
- Pastor: Jessica, this is not okay.
- I need this, Pastor.
- Ellen: Jessica, come on!
- Please, please, let me do this.
- Jessica, what are you doing?
- Please, let me come home.
- Please.
- This is a ceremony.
These people took a three-week course.
Monday and Tuesday, 9:00 to 4:00.
But you know I know all the
basics. Just let me do it.
- You've already been baptized.
- I know,
but I've strayed too
far. I need to come home.
Okay, Jessica, I don't
think that you are
in the right place for this, personally.
- Get her outta there!
- Shut up, Ellen!
- You shut up!
- Just dunk me and let me be risen!
Jessica, we are all
aware in this congregation
that you've been unfaithful to Pete.
- You cheated on him with an art teacher.
- [people gasp]
- Jess! Sweetheart!
- Pete: Hey. Don't do it.
That's bullshit!
Baby, you don't need
God. You just need me.
- Pastor: Sir.
- What are you doing?
This is very inappropriate.
You need to get out of the pool.
I can't. Sweetheart, I love you so much.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!
I get this, though.
This is a cool ceremony.
Congratulations. Jess! I love you,
I need you, and I want
us to just go home.
That's what I want. I want to go home.
You don't need God.
You're God, and I'm God.
God is love, and together, we make God.
Let's go home and make some
God. We can do it as God.
Okay, none of that is true, and
most of it didn't make any sense.
- How do you know, Officer?
- Officer? I'm a pastor.
- So am I.
- Really? Of what?
Pastor of life.
I love you so much, Jess,
and I want to be with you
for the rest of my life.
I've known that since we met.
I've made too many mistakes.
- Leif: That's okay.
- I've strayed off my path.
Uh, Jess! No! Wait! Jess, hold on.
I've made mistakes too.
Hold on.
- Sir, would you hold this, please?
- Sure.
Wait. You don't have to do this.
I forgive you. Okay.
Okay. Steps.
Jess, we've both strayed from
the path, but I forgive you.
Please forgive me. We need to go home.
It's not about your forgiveness.
It's something I have to do for myself.
- I want to come back.
- I can't go back with you.
Jess and I are together now. What
are you talking about, man? Help me!
Help you? I'm not gonna help
you get back with my wife!
- We're a family.
- I thought you were a comedian now.
I don't have to be a
comedian. It's a hobby.
I can make you laugh. I
can make our kids laugh.
You don't want to be with
him, Jess. You weren't happy.
We can put the genie back in the bottle.
- You can't put genies back in bottles!
- Shut up!
- They're out being genies!
- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I chose Jesus!
Oh!
Woo! [shouts]
Hallelujah!
Oh! She is risen!
That did not count. That did not
count, everyone! None of this counts!
♪ ♪
[sighs]
Jess, you don't understand.
I... I have nothing.
I have... I have no
job. I have no money.
I... I have no prospects.
I have nowhere to stay.
I need to be with you.
God will provide a way, Peter.
He always does.
- ♪ ♪
- [sighs]
What about Tampa, though?
Jess?
I already put down a deposit!
Jess! God!
She wasn't that great.
- See? This is church.
- Yeah. I'll tell ya, this ain't bad.
♪ ♪
[chattering]
Oh, that's good stuff. Thank you, Lord.
Todd Barry [on TV]: I've been doing
a lot of reflecting lately
on the happiest moments of my
life, and I thought of a big one.
You ever make plans with someone
you do not want to hang out with
- and then they cancel?
- [audience laughs]
Does wet money work, man?
- [audience laughs]
- [Todd continues speaking]
What a rip.
It's not enough, anyway. I can't
really help you out with the hotel,
but my brother will wire me money...
in the next couple days. I
just gotta give him a call.
He's a bitcoin guy.
Do you ever think about who
existed in your environment
- before you came upon it?
- [sighs]
Like, for example, we are here,
but... who was here before...
we got here? Who was here
before this hotel... was here?
Maybe the Indians?
Maybe... pioneers?
Could be Vikings.
There were no Vikings...
- in upstate New York.
- [chuckles]
Are you still mad?
Don't eat French fries with your foot.
♪ ♪
I'm really excited about
our friendship, man.
We're not friends.
We're broke... together.
That's how it starts.
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Would you be uncomfortable
if I put on some adult fare?
[sighs]
♪ Love comes when you least expect it ♪
♪ Falling through the
night's sweet rain ♪
♪ When you put your
arms around me ♪
♪ Love comes to my heart again ♪
♪ Walking through the
streets at midnight ♪
♪ Brings the world a different hue ♪
♪ Everybody's got their color ♪
♪ Make mine a shade of blue ♪
[harmonica playing]
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
01x08 - The Baptism
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"Crashing" revolves around a young New York comedian who is forced to make a new start for himself after his wife leaves him for an Italian boxer.
"Crashing" revolves around a young New York comedian who is forced to make a new start for himself after his wife leaves him for an Italian boxer.