02x04 - Porter Got HBO

[bunniefuu]

What do you want?

We can't have an old couples' argument.

You have to pull your weight.

You f*cked my wife!

Yes.

But that doesn't help pay the bills.

Believe me, I wish it did.

BILL BURR: How did you end up
living with your arch nemesis?

He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.

Oh! First you share a bed,
then you share the same woman.

Now, you're gonna share, what?
Some soap and a chore wheel?

MAN: I've seen you before, man.

You did that set about your
wife f*cking another guy, right?

Yeah, that was me.

I would keep that sh*t to myself, man.

BURR: It's hurting you.

I can see it. I don't hold
sh*t in the way you do.

You keep it bottled up, man.

But seriously, dude,
you gotta get outta here.

Hey, buddy.

[WIND CHIME TINKLING]

[FAN WHIRRING]

[WOMAN MOANING]

[FAN CLICKS OFF]

[WOMAN SIGHS]

[WOMAN MOANING]

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

[WOMAN MOANING]

[WOMAN SIGHS]

[WOMAN MOANING]

♪

♪ Found some letters ♪

♪ You wrote me this morning ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ They told of the love we once knew ♪

♪ Now they're gone ♪

♪ I've b*rned them to ashes ♪

♪ Don't want nothin'
to remind me of you ♪

Leif?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, come on in. Good morning, Peter.

Is it, uh... okay to come in?

Of course. Papaya?

Ah, sure.

Is this how you do it? [LAUGHS]

Do what?

Sorry to be a snoop, but...

it kind of sounded like you were
getting down and dirty last night.

[LAUGHS] Ah. You dirty dog.

Listening to the sounds
that love makes, huh?

I know it's a little bit weird
to say, it's not like I tried.

I just... you know, I heard it.

You are... I mean, Herculean.

- Oh.
- I... I don't know how else to put it.

I'm more of a three creaks
and a pass out kind of guy.

I've never had that sort of Olympic fervor.

Jess?

[SIGHS] Hey, Pete.

How are you?

Did you just now arrive, or...?

- No.
- LEIF: No.

That was... [STAMMERING]

Oh, f*ck.

I really don't want to
do this again, right now.

- Oh!
- You don't have to.

I could hear... I could hear you guys.

I was down there... I was... I was...

Leif and I are friends.

f*ck friends, sex friends, you f*ck.

Is that it, f*ck buddies?

Jess and I found a very
respectful way to use each other.

Are you serious?

We're not even having,
like, a real relationship.

It's really... It's purely physical.

Yeah. If anything, it's way better, Peter.

We can give each other what
the other needs by just asking.

She can give me her deepest and
her darkest without any shame.

It's pretty wonderful,
man. Total liberation.

And I'm giving it to her for...

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

♪

Whether you want to admit it or not,

Leif is a very, very,

very supportive friend.

And he's been supportive of you
through everything, and of me.

Like, he has really been
there, you know that.

He's just a safe space for me.

He's just a true friend.

Pete, we really wanted to tell you sooner.

I'm sorry that we didn't,
like, that... that was wrong.

But are you seriously
telling me that you haven't

gotten lonely at all during all of this?

Or like, I don't know,
dropped your good-boy routine

long enough to get into something
that's... none of my business?

- Well, maybe one or two.
- Okay.

- But I...
- So that's... that's a good thing.

Okay.

I'll find a way...

I can find a way to...

put this outside my brain.

I can get my mind around this,

if you just give me a little patience.

I think it could be very cool

if we, you know, tried to
spend some time together.

I don't know.

Yeah. I'd... I'd like that.

I'd like that, too.

♪ When I was yours and you were mine ♪

♪ And I didn't have to wait on line ♪

- Great live comedy show.
- ♪ For you to call, call, call, call me ♪

Got a great live show tonight.

♪ Taking all the time you need ♪

[SIGHS]

What's going on?

[SIGHS]

So you didn't hear about Porter, did you?

No. Is... Is everything okay?

- Did something happen to him?
- [SIGHS]

[CLAPS]

Porter got HBO.

What... [STAMMERS]

Whitney Cummings has this new TV showcase,

and she pretty much plucked him to be

the next generation of standup comics.

- What? Are you... Really?
- Yeah.

- JASON: Yeah.
- Whitney Cummings?

JASON: Whitney Cummings.

- Came... to the... to the Boston?
- Right here.

And she booked... She booked
Por... Porter, our Porter?

Yep.

Apparently she was wearing a wool beanie.

[STAMMERS] If I had known she
was here, I would've done...

you know, like, a TV,
like, an HBO set, but...

- Mmm-hmm.
- What the f*ck did Porter do?

He goes up, he's full...

- What was she on, bath salts?
- I don't know.

f*ck him! Talentless piece of sh*t.

They book f*cking cheese!

He can't even follow me.

How does he expect to
follow Whitney Cummings?

He's a gnome!

I'm sorry, but he's not...

Oh, Porter!

- [CHEERING]
- Way to go, buddy!

♪

I can't believe it, man.
You got signed by 3 Arts?

- Yeah, dude.
- Man, that's so awesome.

- Yeah.
- They rep everybody. It's crazy.

Might be tough to get them
on the phone, by the way.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- I'm so ha... That's amazing.

I mean, all of this,
it's happening so fast.

- When did you find out?
- About a week ago.

- JULIA: Wow.
- Porter, you've known

for a week and you didn't tell us?

I mean, we were barking two nights ago.

I didn't think you guys would care.

- RUSSELL: Come on, we...
- JULIA: Of course we care.

Of course... I feel like I got it.

The way that I feel how
good it is that you got it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Congrats, man. You deserve it.

PORTER: Thank you. I think you mean it.

I do.

It's just so weird, man.

Is it? It's not that
weird. It's definitely not.

I mean, it's kind of what we're here to do.

- It's what we're doing.
- Okay.

Did you tell your parents? I mean,
that's a happy call to make, right?

Yeah, actually, my dad said,

"Hey, I'm going to come
back from wherever I've been

for the last 10 years, and we'll
start fishing every Friday."

- [LAUGHTER]
- RUSSELL: Classic Porter!

You know, you sure you're ready?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

I'm sure I'm ready. I'm mean,

Whitney wouldn't have
booked me if I wasn't ready.

- Yeah.
- All right. Cool.

Um, I don't know... [STAMMERS]

I'm just saying, I mean, you don't
want to jump in this, this too soon.

I see what's f*cking
happening here. You're jealous.

- No.
- No.

- You're jealous of me!
- RUSSELL: We're not jealous.

I knew this sh*t was going
to happen, but I didn't know

it was going to happen this fast.

Look at this. You can't even

pretend to be happy for me

- for a second.
- We can pretend.

No, no, no! I can't take this negativity!

None of you are coming to
the taping! None of you!

- Except for Pete.
- What?

Because Pete is a good
guy, and I trust him,

and I know that he is
actually truly happy for me.

- He is?
- Are you?

[STAMMERS] I... you know.

I would be honored to
come. That sounds exciting.

♪

- PETE: These are good.
- Yeah.

Which is good, 'cause if you get food

from a food truck that isn't good,

if you go up to complain,
they're like three blocks away.

[CHUCKLES]

Your jokes are funnier now
that they're not my problem.

[BOTH LAUGH]

That's... that's funny.

I gotta say, uh, this is

a little surprising for me, you know.

Last time I saw you,
you were in a baptismal.

Yeah, it didn't really go
how I thought it would, but...

I started seeing a therapist.

Oh.

- That's great.
- Mmm-hmm.

I think that's, uh...
you know, that's normal.

That's, you know, nothing to be ashamed of.

I know that.

I didn't mean it like...

I never figured out a healthy
way to express my anger.

I feel like you never did either.

People always think, just
because I'm like a cheery person,

that, like, I'm not...
Like, I'm hiding something.

Maybe I'm just, like, I am just
happy, like, I'm a light person.

- Really?
- Yes, you know... Yes!

Like a John Denver.

My therapist thinks it's a good idea

to scream at the subway as it goes by.

You can't yell at the train, that's crazy.

I've been doing it.

You?

You go onto the subway
platform and scream and...

- Yeah.
- Strangers? Really?

They don't care. There's
so much insane stuff

happening down there, it doesn't matter.

So, what, uh...

Leif just call you one day?

I mean, how does that happen?

I called him, actually.

It's not like I have a million
friends I can talk to, so.

- What about the Gellings?
- They're never around.

- The Doughertys?
- No, they stopped calling me.

The Kallitsis? I lost 'em
all in the divorce, Pete.

But I lost 'em in the divorce. I
assumed they were hanging out with you.

- What? No.
- They're hanging out with neither of us?

I assumed you were hanging out
with Michelle this whole time!

No, I don't hang out with Michelle.

- Oh my God!
- What is that? What?

Oh my God! Oh my God.

[THUNDER RUMBLES] Holy sh*t!

Come on! Come on!

Come on in here! Get in here!

[PANTING]

Oh my God. We just got so wet.

It came out of nowhere.

[DRYER WHIRRING]

- Is that warm?
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Ugh. I feel like a sewer rat.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- It's crazy.
- That was crazy.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, wow.

I'm glad we did this, though.

Yeah. Me too.

Although, I'd rather be warm, at
home, watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

That sounds amazing.

- Yeah?
- Can we?

Yeah, if you want to.

♪

Well, well, well, I hope
you b*tches are ready.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh my God, I'm obsessed
with Bianca Del Rio.

She's... she's a bitch, but
that's... that's what we like.

[LAUGHS]

- Thin mint?
- Ooh, frozen?

[LAUGHS] Yeah, frozen.

- Good.
- Straight from the freeze, Mageeze.

- Nice.
- It's so good.

What?

sh*t.

What?

The power went out.

I can't even open the door.

Yes. Yes.

Wow.

- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Carlsbad Caverns.
- Mmm-hmm.

Aren't you glad I didn't sell this?

I'm thrilled.

- This isn't so bad.
- Oh...

- It's like olden times.
- Yeah.

We should talk about
which, uh, which townsboy

our 12-year-old
daughter shall marry.

[BOTH LAUGH]

The price of butter.

It's so quiet.

You can just, like,

hear all the sounds of the city.

- Yeah.
- It's crazy.

Look at us, I'm proud. I'm proud of us.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Yeah, it's good.

Pete, Pete! What are you doing?

What do you mean?

I don't want that with you.

What do you mean? I thought...

We're having fun. I thought maybe...

No. I thought we were just hanging out.

I... I don't... I think you'd like me now.

Well, Pete, I'm, like, the
last person you should be with.

Emotionally.

I don't think you're seeing me.

- I... I am.
- I don't think I... No.

You're seeing who you were
married to, but that guy...

that guy's gone.

I've... learned things, I've done things.

I'm a man now.

I can be your sex Sherpa.

I can lead you up the
mountain of ecstasy and...

And swirl our souls into
some sort of divine union.

Pete, you're trying to use me.

- I... Yes. Yes.
- Okay, no.

Let's... let's use each other. No.

You said you and Leif use each other.

I want to use you. I want you to use me.

Just, trust me.

No, Pete, this is nuts.

Just... just-just... Just give me a kiss.

- Just one kiss, that's all I want.
- No.

RUPAUL: ...impress me and save
yourselves, from elimination.

[SIGHS]

The time has come to lip-sync...

for your life!

And don't f*ck it up.

♪

♪ It is what it is ♪

- Okay, these two, go in.
- Okay, thanks.

♪ Ain't what it ain't ♪

♪ Oh,
ho-ho-ho, hey ♪

♪ It is what it is ♪

♪ Well, well, well,
well, well, well, yeah ♪

♪ Ain't what it ain't ♪

Hello. I'm, uh, I'm Pete Holmes.

I'm here to see Porter Harris.

All right, you're going to wear this.

Down the hall, to your left.

I'm a comedian.

♪ This time, baby ♪

♪ I've been faithful lately ♪

♪ And I've tried to stay
out of your business ♪

♪ I guess what they say is true ♪

♪ It just is what it is ♪

sh*t.

♪ What it is, what it is ♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Hey, there he is.

- Oh, hey, hey, man.
- What's going on?

This is Emma. This is Mo.
This is my friend Pete.

- What's up, Pete?
- Hey, what's up, man?

Is this your buddy from out of town?

Yeah, do you guys know... How
do you guys know each other?

- Did you grow up together?
- We, uh... I'm Pete Holmes.

I'm... I'm a comedian.

I'm actually... I am shocked.

I could've sworn you were his manager.

There's no reps in the green room.

I'm not... I'm not a representative, no.

Yeah, he's a representative
of being my friend.

- Uh, we're friends.
- We're friends,

- so he represents me in that way.
- I got you, yeah.

Ah, I take 10 percent of the fun.

[LAUGHTER]

I just... I'm excited for my
friend. I'm excited for you guys.

First time on TV, I mean, that's huge.

All right. We're about five minutes out.

Mo, you're up first.

All right. Emma, you're next,

- and then Porter.
- Okay.

All right, Mo, you ready to do this?

You know this! Wu Tang, you know I'm ready!

Wu Tang!

Porter, I'm going to need to get you miked.

That's s exciting, man.
You're going to close.

It's huge. You're the
headliner of the show.

You want to come with me, over to sound?

Yeah, of course.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

What is up, New York City?

[LOUD CHEERING]

I have an amazing lineup
for you guys tonight

of all my favorite
up-and-coming comedians.

All right, just going to drop it down.

WHITNEY: ...get to see them perform.

Yeah. [SPUTTERING]

[BABBLING]

Do you remember that
there was, like, a rumor

going around for a while

that men like strong women?

[LAUGHTER]

No, they don't.

Okay? I've seen p*rn.

In p*rn, there's literally
a menu on the side,

it's like, "Girl on Girl,"

uh, "College Girls."

There's no, like, "CEO."

[LAUGHTER]

"Bitch Who Pays Her Taxes on Time."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

[WHITNEY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

This is your dream, man.
This is... It's incredible.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

All right, how's that feel?

It's great. It's great. It's
no different than anything

the government does to me every day.

Okay. Well, you're set.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

WHITNEY: This next comedian
is one of my favorite people.

Why am I wearing a jacket?

Why am I wearing a jacket
like this, I look like...

I look like a guy dressed
as the Penguin at the mall.

You look great.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh good. All right.

Is there... Is there
somethin' weird with my beard?

- Huh? What?
- Does my beard look weird?

Uh, weird? Weird beard? No. You're good.

All right, I look good. I'm good.

It's just a lot, I understand,
you know, stressful.

But, you know, it's not the
beard, the beard's been with you...

The beard is not weird.

Yeah.

I mean, you could...
It's a little scraggly.

Should I trim it?

It couldn't hurt.

I'm going to trim it.
There's got to be someone

around here who can
help me trim this, right?

Uh, yeah.

I really don't understand
what all the hate's about,

'cause Mohammed is the most
popular name in the world.

You know what's
frustrating about that fact?

I can't find one key chain with
my name on it anywhere. [LAUGHTER]

Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola

with me in America, not a single person.

[LAUGHTER]

I don't like to mess with beards.

I feel like beards are very personal.

Let me do it. Let me do it.
I just don't want to look

like a Wolfman on camera. Okay?

[RAZOR BUZZING]

Aw, sh*t.

I am... I'm just trying
to, like, even it out now.

'Cause this is...

Oh my God. Oh, what did I do?

PETE: No, that's okay, that's a good start.

I look like... I took
a tablespoon out of it.

That's fine. Let's just
do it on the other side.

- I can even it out.
- Can you even this out?

- Yeah, I can even it out.
- Yeah, even it out, yeah.

Don't hide behind your beard, you know?

Oh, man, I didn't even
know how popular it was

until I watched the Egyptian
soccer team. [LAUGHTER]

Uh, yeah. I was, uh... They
were showing a play-by-play,

and the commentator comes on and he's like,

Mohammed has the ball. Mohammed
pass the ball to Mohammed.

Mohammed to Achmed. Achmed to Hameda.

Hameda to Mohammed.

Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed.

Mohammed to Mohammed.

Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed,

Mohammed... goal!

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

I look like I belong on Duck Dynasty.

- No. I... Yeah.
- That's kind of cool.

No, it's not! They're famously r*cist!

I can shave it a little
more. Do you want me

to just go a little more on the other side?

I don't f*cking believe it.

Whitney Cummings!

- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
- Yeah!

Aw, this looks great.

This is how everyone is
wearing their beards now.

Idiots do this!

An idiot would choose this!

It's okay. It's... She's trying.

Who would go into a f*cking barber shop

and say, "Hey! I want
to look all f*cked up!"

Why don't we do a goatee, then?

We should just... Yeah. Yeah!

I always used to go back and forth with

when I would say I was gay on stage,

'cause I wouldn't want to
make anyone uncomfortable.

But I make a point to always do it,

because I don't want any of
you guys sitting and wondering

if I'm an awkward-lookin' straight
girl, you know what I mean?

[LAUGHTER] Think how weird it

would get in here if I was like,

"Guys, I'm having problems with men."

You'd be like, "Yeah, I'd
f*cking hope so. What the hell?"

[LAUGHTER]

I didn't even have a f*cking
chance to get my career started.

You look like you sell
vinyl, it's a hot look.

I look like I watch p*rn on laser disc.

I look like I watch p*rn
after I'm done coming.

- Mustache?
- Do it.

Like, the first time
I was ever with someone

that wanted me to hit
them in the face sexually,

I called my mom.

I left the situation, I called my mom,

I said, "She wants me
to hit her in the face,"

and my mom goes, "[GASPS] On a Tuesday"?

[LAUGHTER]

"If that's what she wants on a
Tuesday, what'll happen on a Friday?

You get out of there!"

I'm f*ckin' freaking out here.

PETE: I like it.

I look like I have to announce
who I am to the neighborhood.

PRODUCER [OVER PA]: Porter Harris to
the stage, please. You're on in five.

I think you... I think
you should take it off.

- Want to take it off?
- Just...

Yeah, take it off! Get it off me!

Get it off me!

This is your fault.

What are you talking about?

Scraggly. You said my beard was
scraggly. People like scraggly!

It's not supposed to be about the beard.

It's supposed to be about the
material, not your facial hair.

Oh, okay. Oh, so you're
sh1tting on my material now.

- Before I go on national television.
- No!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

It's just not for me.

Well, maybe that's why I'm
here, and you're not here.

Because you don't have the edge.
Right? 'Cause you don't want...

It's not edge. I've never seen
you do a joke the same way twice.

- Have you ever written anything down?
- It's called being free.

- It's not being free!
- I'm riffing!

This is supposed to be
a reward for hard work.

You're just f*cking getting drunk
and sliding your way through!

Are you f*cking kidding me,
you're doing this to me right now?

A couple beard jokes aren't
going to make or break

what you do out there.

My beard, I shaved it.
I shaved off my opener!

f*ck!

Come on, come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Porter...

He just shined like a diamond in the rough.

Uh, kind of, more like a diamond covered in

red pubes, you'll see.

Please welcome, Porter Harris!

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

Hey. Um...

Hey, New York City.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yeah.

Uh...

Aw, man. Um...

Uh...

I just feel... I'm so uncomfortable.

I had a... I had a beard,

like, 30 minutes ago. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

And then my friend, a piece of sh*t...

[LAUGHTER]

...convinced me that I should shave it.

And I did, I shaved off my beard,

before walking on stage, just now.

Uh, and I have two to four
minutes of beard material

that is now useless, so...

[LAUGHTER]

Should I still do it?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- Should I do my beard jokes?

Can you just imagine it?

It's not hard, there's so many of me now.

I mean, I sort of look like a pedophile

who makes locally sourced artisanal candy.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Now I still kind of look like one.

But imagine if I had a beard.

'Cause then you're just like,
"I can't see all of his lips."

"What do they do?" They lick children.

- [LAUGHTER]
- And I'll tell you something else.

There were a lot of people that were upset

about that live-action
Beauty and the Beast movie.

- And not just because it sucked.
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

But because it had a gay couple in it.

Which I think is, like, weird,

because the movie is about

an anemic British girl

just getting gaped by a werepit.

Like, it's literally just... [BELLOWING]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: Thank
you, thank you so much.

[BELLOWING]

He's got one of those, like, bear penises

with the guard hairs on it, just...

- [BELLOWING]
- [LAUGHTER]

The clock's just watching.

His little minute hand sticking out.

[LAUGHTER]

Little pervert clock, all they do is watch.

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

♪

[QUIETLY]: sh*t, he's funny.

- Thank you, guys. That's my time.
- [APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

Honestly, thank you so much. Thank you.

This is... this is crazy.

[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

How great is Porter Harris!

[LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Wow. It's a crazy feeling.
I feel like I'm on coke.

That was incredible. You did great.

Yeah. Yeah, and I got you
to thank for this, man.

See, I told you, you're not
funny because of your beard.

No. You said that I wasn't funny, period.

So, I just went out there, and I just

had to prove that you are an assh*le.

And I did. You're an assh*le.

That was so good!

So, so, so good!

What did I tell you? What did I tell you?

I know. I know. I know.

- So good!
- What did you tell him?

Oh... uh...

I'm his friend Pete.

- Hi. Okay.
- I'm a comedian.

Hey, Porter, we gotta de-wire you.

- Hey, thank you again. I could skip.
- That was awesome.

- Oh my God.
- Great... great job.

He did so good. I knew it. I knew it.

- So, so, so, so good.
- Oh my God, so good.

So good.

I actually work the
Boston, where you saw him.

- Oh, okay.
- It's kind of my home club.

- Oh.
- Did you see me perform, or...?

- I'm just... I'm sorry to bug you.
- Oh...

Did you... I'd love some feedback.

Oh, um... No, I don't think I saw you.

I was in and out, and I... phone...

Oh, you got up during the show?

Yeah, I was, like, going
back... You know how it is.

Did I go, "Uh, madam, the
bathroom's that way." Did I do that?

You know, I have to go.

Um, just for the picture thing, so...

While I have you, while
I have you, sorry...

Huh? Mm-hm?

Um, can you just... What was it about him?

What made him stand out?

Oh. Well, you know,
he's just got this thing,

it's so cliche to say, but he's
just got this, like, star quality.

Some people are just
born with it, you know?

Or maybe they get it later, I don't know.

I don't think so. I don't
think that's a thing.

I think it's just an inherent th...

You know, one time my manager told me

that stars are people that
everyone wants to be friends with.

Does that make sense? You
just want to be around them.

So, anyway, um... I'm going to...

It was so nice to meet
you. I'll see you around.

Hi, everybody!

[CHEERING]

♪ Nobody likes you, nobody cares ♪

♪ Nobody wants you, nobody cares ♪

♪ To extend a greeting,
a connecting glance ♪

♪ Life is just a jaded game to them ♪

♪ They won't give it a chance ♪

♪ But you know and I know ♪

[SCREAMING]

♪ Freedom is free ♪

♪ And you can't take
that away from me ♪

♪ You got your g*ns up on display ♪

♪ But you can't control
how I feel, no way ♪

♪ 'Cause freedom is free ♪

♪ And that's the way
it's always going to be ♪

♪ Freedom is free ♪

♪ And no amount of negativity
can put a dent in me ♪