02x05 - Too Good

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Crashing". Aired: February 2017 to March 2019.*
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"Crashing" revolves around a young New York comedian who is forced to make a new start for himself after his wife leaves him for an Italian boxer.
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02x05 - Too Good

Post by bunniefuu »

If you get food from a food

truck that isn't good, you go up
to complain, and they're, like,

- three blocks away.
- Your jokes are funnier now

that they're not my problem. [LAUGHS]

My boyfriend and I, we just
took our relationship to the next

level. We broke up.

- [LAUGHTER]
- That was great.

- Did you get your tape?
- Oh, uh, no.

I hate this place. It's
like a hunted ski lodge.

I think you should take me home.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [SNORING]

Definitely, you know, take a minute
or two to get your stuff together.

- [SCREAMS]
- Hey.

Do you understand how
creepy it is that you're

still in my space?

What was about him?

He's just got this, like, star quality.

Some people are just born with it.

Or maybe they get it later, I don't know.

[SIGHS] I don't think so.

Great live comedy show?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Great live comedy?
- [BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

Great live comedy.

Great live show.

Great live show.

[HORNS HONKING]

Appreciate it. Appreciate
it. You got a napkin?

Yeah, of course. You got a lot of napkins.

KENNY: I'm a napkin guy.

- KEITH: Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

Hey. Lucas Brothers.

- What up?
- I'm... I'm a really big fan.

It's really nice... I'm
a fan of both of you guys.

Well, it would be kind of weird
if you were a just fan of...

one of us.

Yeah, we haven't released
any solo records yet.

- [LAUGHS]
- But thanks, man.

- I'm a comic. Well, I'm trying to be.
- All right.

They got me actually...
I'm handing out flyers

for the comedy club the Boston.

I mean, if you guys wanna go up,

the show's working right
now if you wanna pop on.

You wanna go to the Boston?

- No. No, no, no.
- KENNY: No.

- KEITH: No.
- I... I don't understand.

It... Why?

Here's the thing, man. We don't
really perform in places like that.

Places like... what?

Comedy clubs?

- Dude, we don't do clubs.
- No. No, we're alt-guys.

You know what I mean?
We're alternative comics.

- Alternative clubs.
- Yes.

I... Everybody's told me that
you gotta get in at the clubs,

gotta get your foot in and...
It's rough, but you grind out,

you get a little bit better
every day, right? I mean...

I guess, but there's some
crowds you don't wanna k*ll for,

and if you stay in clubs like that,
you might become a comic like that.

KENNY: I mean, I kinda feel
like there are comedians

- who called people "f*g" in high school...
- Mm-hmm.

...then there are comedians
who got called "f*g."

- That's right. That's right.
- And the alt-scene

is for the comedians who got called "f*g."

Did you?

Get called "fa..." yeah.

- Yeah.
- See?

- On the way here, actually.
- KEITH: Of course.

- LUCAS BROTHERS: There you go.
- KENNY: Say no more.

- We got to... we got to go.
- We got a bit, man.

- Okay.
- Good luck, man.

I... Really, thank you.



- Hey, Jay.
- What's up, buddy?

Um, I was wondering if it's okay, uh,

I thought maybe tomorrow
night you'd be okay without me.

- Without you?
- Yeah, I just... I...

You mean take the night off?

I wanna take the night off if that's okay.

Off? Yeah, of course. Why
not take tomorrow night off?

Sure, of course.

Since we work at Jamba Juice,
just have Becky cover your shift.

Pete, this is comedy. You
gotta get up every night, man.

No, I'm gonna go to a comedy show.

I'm gonna go. It's just... I'm
not... I don't wanna come here.

- Oh.
- I... I wanna go to the alt-scene.

- Oh, the alt-scene.
- Yeah.

Oh good. Okay. All right.
Well, yeah, no, sure.

I mean, if you wanna
go watch a pack of nerds

lightly tickle the audience
with a feather, suit yourself.

Sorry, I... I just want to do something...

- Have you been to an alt-show?
- Have I been?

I've been to a Chinese restaurant

where a show broke out that
was alternative to funny,

just five guys in glasses in flannels
talking about their journaling.

Have I witnessed that brand of comedy
terrorism? Yeah, I've seen that.

No thanks. I don't need to see
five brats from Williamsburg

sh1tting on whatever the hell
their parents handed them.

You... Okay, I'm just letting
you know, tomorrow night...

- Yeah.
- ...someone else can take my corner.

Sure. Absolutely. I'd
happily fill your slot.

It'll be waiting for you when
you come back in the year 2090

after you're done fake-laughing
at Morrissey references

and sipping Pabst Blue
Ribbon out of a paper bag,

you f*cking wuss!



Do you wanna come? It
sounds like you wanna come.



[BELL JINGLES]

JO: Uh, I found out... I turned 30,

I realized, you know,
everything's pretty easy.

There's no... There's no gray areas.

It's all pretty black and white.

[LAUGHTER]

JO: Anyways, so...

if you need any advice, just let me know.

Like, for example, I got into
the elevator the other day,

I was alone, and so I farted,

which is legal, you know?

But I... I got out at the lobby,

and then someone I knew came
into that same elevator car.

Now, that's a tricky situation,
'cause the doors are closing,

buttons are being pushed.
I mean, what can you do?

You know, and so then...
So what can you do?

You send an email, you know?

SUBJECT: "I'm sorry."

BODY: "It was me."

- [LAUGHTER]
- "My body... my body did that."

So anyway, guys,

I think this was really helpful for you,

and thank you guys so much.

Keep it going for Lizzy, everybody.

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Guys, keep it going for Jo!

She popped out her Invisalign for this!

[PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES]

This is a nice, intimate room.

Do you think Abraham Lincoln
liked the play he was watching,

or was he like, "Somebody
put me out of my misery?"

- [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES]
- [LAUGHTER]

Uh, I have to say out of all the addresses,

my favorite address is Gettysburg

and my least favorite
address is, "Hey, b*tches."

- [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES]
- Don't address me that way!

I thought we were friends.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES]

All right, are we ready for our next act?

- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
- I am so excited.

Please welcome to the stage

the hilarious Ali Reissen!

[CHEERING]

- Woo!
- ALI: Thank you.

Lizzy Cooperman, there she is.

Best topknot in Brooklyn.

Fun fact about Lizzy: she
studied piano at Juilliard.

She was taught by Cookie Monster.

[LAUGHTER]

Do you guys like impressions?

- MAN: Woo!
- Okay, cool.

So, okay, here's my first one.

This is my impression of a

pretentious orphan.

Okay, this is a
pretentious orphan. [LAUGHS]

Do you know who my father is?

[LAUGHTER]

Okay, this is my impression
of Meryl Streep...

- Sorry.
- ...trying to take a compliment.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

_

ALI: Are you okay?

You seem a little...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Ali.

- Hey.
- Pete.

Yeah. Hang on one sec.

Pete from the other night. Yeah. Hey.

- Great set.
- Thank you.

- k*ller.
- Thank you.

Really. I haven't...

- You owned the room.
- Oh, thank you.

- Really funny.
- Thanks.

- Still trying to... make a tape?
- Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, you know.

It can be hard.

I just... I feel like
I'm a lot more natural

when I'm not taping myself.

- Curse of the tape.
- Yeah.

- Sorry about the other, uh, other day.
- Yes!

- Really glad you said something.
- Right?

- Yeah.
- If it's any consultation...

- "Lation."
- Consolation.

[GIGGLES] Yeah.
"Consultation" is for... hair.

Yeah, yeah, if I could give
you a brief consultation...

- [LAUGHS] Please don't.
- Uh, I'm new at all this.

I-I... I know it might have
seemed a little creepier

than I intended it.

- Yeah.
- I... so, I...

- Are sorry. You're sorry.
- I... I are sorry.

- [LAUGHS] You are sorry.
- Toys "R" Us. I are sorry.

- [LAUGHS] Okay.
- And... wow.

Yeah. I'm also sorry. I... We both could've

been our better selves

in that situation, so I'm sorry, too.

I'm also sorry 'cause I truly
do have to run right now.

- Oh.
- I have a show.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, so...

- No problem. It was good...
- I... Okay. Yeah.

Have...

Unless... Do you wanna
come with me to my show?

- Now?
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- To my show?

I would love to come,
love to see another show.

All right.

Okay, guys, I gotta go.

- Bye, great to see you.
- Very funny.

- You were so funny.
- Oh, thanks.

I love your long shirt, that's cool.

- Thanks.
- Okay, yeah, don't talk to them.



[RATTLING]

I feel...

I feel like if an elf...

If an elf trips at the North Pole,

they give him a candy cane.

Uh... oh.

It's sad but sweet.

Sad... Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.

It's the only candy based
on medical equipment.

Yeah, right?

That's like, um...

That's like a dad joke.

- I like Dad jokes.
- No, I... That does not surprise me.

That's completely your vibe.
You're kind of like a...

You're kind of like a
dorky dad at a barbecue.

That's kind of your essence.

Like a Tom Arnold character in the '90s.

Yeah. Yes!

To be honest, of all the things I could be,

I don't mind being a
fun... like, a fun dad.

- Can I have that?
- Yeah.

- I may?
- Yeah. My gift to you.

Is this, um...

Is this your last spot or you doing...

No, I have this one and
then, um, two more after.

- Two, really?
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.

- In one night?
- Yeah.

Wow. My record in one night is,

uh, is one.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I can't even think...

I don't know four places
in the same night to go up.

That's insane. Why do you live in the city?

That's the whole point of New York,

is you can, like, bounce
around to different spots.

How long have you been doing comedy?

Uh, well, short answer, three years,

but I've been more focused
the past couple of months.

My, uh, my wife, I was...

- Your wife?
- My ex-wife. Sorry.

- Whoa. Okay.
- Yeah.

- Wow. All right.
- You're not an adulteress.

- Okay. good. [LAUGHS]
- She is.

- Oh! Oh no.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHS]

BOTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
- She, uh, she had an affair...

There was a whole thing...
And because I'm now single,

for the first time in my life,
I'm doing a lot more sets.

Totally. You channel
the pain into performing.

- But I also...
- I totally get that.

Is... Why did you get into stand-up?

I don't know. My parents,
they work together,

and they both cheated on each other. Yeah.

So, it was like this
really weird household.

Actually, I kind of tried to
start talking about this on stage.

But my... so, my mom was
cheating on my dad with this guy

who had a really long,
gross, gray ponytail,

like a sex commune ponytail.

It was braided into a
tip. You know what I mean?

- Oh no.
- He wore a lot of turquoise jewelry.

It was really rough. And I didn't
know that that was happening,

but I did notice that my dad started

to try to grow his own ponytail,

but he couldn't, his
hair just doesn't do that,

so he had this little,

like, broccoli floret.

- But he did it for your mom?
- He did it to get my mom back.

- Woo!
- Yeah, so that'll f*ck you up for good,

and make you go into stand-up.

- Your parents are still together?
- Unfortunately.

Yeah, really, they're
hanging on by a thread...

Not even a... not even
something as thick as a thread.

A ponytail. A thin, wiry ponytail.

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

That's not a train laugh.
I need to hold it in.

[CHUCKLES]



WILL: Let's give a nice
shout out to Kenny DeForest

- for quitting high school basketball.
- MAN: Yeah.

Hey, also, keep it going for
black Bart Simpson, everybody.

I think this guy is
really something special.

[LAUGHTER]

- Give it up for adult Bart Simpson.
- [LAUGHS]

- WILL: Give it up for Lisa.
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh sh*t. Ali brought this Paul
Bunyan-looking m*therf*cker through.

He just got cut by the Utah Jazz, man.

Hey, Jimmy Jones' nephew,
everybody, invented the chest pass.

America's first center.

CLARK: Do it like your daddy.

Is this even legal? I mean,
it's like a college party.

WILL: I like how everyone in the crowd...

At my college, we didn't have parties.

We had prayer parties.

Some times we'd... We'd swing dance.

Fun excuse to touch a lady's waist.

I bet they'd put you up, actually.

[LAUGHTER]

Really? Uh, yeah.

ALI: Yeah, like five minutes.

- Oh! Hi, Guinevere!
- Oh! Hi!

- How's it going?
- Have you up in two.

- Okay, cool.
- Who's this tall drink of vodka soda?

Do I know you? I feel like I
know you. Have we met before?

I... I don't think so. I'm a comedian.

- I... I'm Pete.
- Hmm. Why don't I know you?

I... I don't know.

Is... this is your
room? You book this room?

Yeah. Yeah. And Whiplash, Bar
Chooch, and the Candle Factory.

- I mean...
- I don't know what those words are.

Are you from out of town?

- No, no, he lives here.
- Uh, yeah.

He could... he could probably
go up if you guys have room.

- Only if you have room.
- Hmm. We'll see.

Efron! I'm counting your Michelobs.

- [LAUGHTER]
- I do have body dysmorphia.

I think I get it from my grandma.

She always told me that I had cankles.

She was like, "You have cankles,"

which if you don't know what that is,

it's part calf, part ankle.

Also you can throw my thighs in the mix.

I have thankles. And, uh...

And my grandmother said that to me,

and I was like, "Oh, that's crazy,

'cause, Grandma, you have mount."

She's like, "What is that?" I'm like,
"That's 'mouth' mixed with 'c**t.'

You have c**t mouth."

Do you guys like impressions?
Great. Here we go.

They say that cockroaches will
survive the nuclear holocaust.

So... so what is in Raid...

that's worse than a nuclear holocaust?

[LAUGHTER]

And should I be keeping it in
the pantry next to my dry goods?

[LAUGHTER]

Sorry. I know this is
weird for a comedian to say,

- but I'm not used to laughing.
- [ALL LAUGH]

I should... I should take
you with me to other clubs,

so you should see how
that joke normally does.

- MAN: Woo!
- [LAUGHTER]

I... I don't know. This
is... I... I don't have kids.

I was talking with a friend of
mine. I don't... I don't have kids,

but doesn't it kinda feel like I do?

- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
- MAN: Yeah!

Yeah, I don't have any,
but I kinda feel like a...

like an embarrassing dad,

like a dorky... like an
embarrassing dad at a barbecue,

just kinda going up to the
kids, going... [DORKY LAUGH]

- "Fresca!" Like that.
- [LAUGHTER]

He's funny, right?

He'll be funny in three years.



MAN: A girlfriend of mine made me...

- Yeah.
- That was so fun.

- You had a great set.
- Yeah, it was...

That was like the best set I've ever had.

- Really? That's awesome.
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.

What about you? That was a great set.

- Did you you get your tape?
- Nah. I flubbed a bit.

God, I wish I had taped mine.

I did.

Yeah, I just left it running.

- What?
- Really, it was fine. It's so easy.

- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]



♪ I wonder how you
look when you sleep ♪

♪ Do you still dream about
girls from your street? ♪

♪ Do you still dream about
girls from high school? ♪

♪ Do you still dream about
girls, girls, girls? ♪

So what? Where next?

We're going to Rififi.

Oh! Rififi!

- Say it again.
- [SCOFFS]

- Do you think they'll let me up or...
- Nope.

[LAUGHS] I've created a monster.

They will not let you up. It took
me like two years to get in there.

- Really?
- Yup.

You know, when I was married,
I used to do mikes in the city,

and I would send her photos
of the Empire State building

- to show her what color it was that night.
- [CHUCKLES]

This is a good one.

[BOAT HORN BLARES]

Is that your flirt strategy,

just bringing up your ex-wife?

[LAUGHS]

- No, I... I...
- It's fine. It's fine.

- It's quite a d*ck pick.
- Yes.

What did she text back? Just like...
a photo of the Holland Tunnel?

[LAUGHS] No, she wasn't...

She wasn't really... She didn't do bits.

Hmm.

[CLICKS TONGUE] That's a bummer.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm just

kind of getting used to being a divorcé.

I'm a divorcé.

I don't think that's a great word
for it. It sounds like a happy thing,

like fiancé, Beyoncé, or Kanye.

- These are happy...
- Right, right. It's a happy...

It feels like it should be a happy word.

Than... [DEEP VOICE] "Oh, I'm a divorcé."

- [LAUGHS]
- [NORMAL VOICE] Like a pile of laundry.

- Waiting to be cleaned.
- [LAUGHS]



I never really noticed that it changed.

That's Caribbean Week. It's my favorite.

[LAUGHS] Of course you have a favorite.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, Oprah Winfrey... you would think

out of all the years, the
most powerful lady, richest,

but I've never in my life

have ever heard of
another child named Oprah.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Have you though? I mean, have you ever?

- Something to think about.
- MAN 2: I mean, I bet there is one.

- But where? I guess you could...
- But where?

- I mean, I would guess Maryland.
- Alex. Let me ask.

Alex, is there more Oprahs

out there other than the main Oprah? Alex.

[LAUGHTER]


You guys ready for
30-second stand-up comedy?

- Let's hear it!
- [CHEERING]

- One, two, three, four!
- ALL: ♪ 30 seconds, 30 seconds ♪

♪ 30 seconds of stand-up ♪

♪ 30 seconds, 30 seconds ♪

♪ 30 seconds of stand-up ♪

Comedy in... Go, Eugene, go!

Um, a friend of mine recently told me

that when we were in elementary school,

our teacher told her to not be my friend

because I was a loser.

[LAUGHTER]

- EUGENE: And then to prove...
- [WHISPERS] I got a good spot.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, it's gonna be great.

- Oh, cool.
- EUGENE: Showed her my test scores...

- You okay?
- Uh, not really.

I was supposed to go up next,
but John Mulaney just dropped in,

so now I'm probably gonna miss Whiplash.

- Oh.
- It's really shitty.

- sh*t. Maybe...
- Yeah.

Is there something we can do?

[SIGHS] It's fine. I'll figure it out.

I know that if you wanted to
show that I was bad at math,

it'd be very easy, but what's the
test that shows you're a loser?

Like, was the question like,
"What's your favorite food?"

And I was like, "Sour cream."

[LAUGHTER]

"Who's your favorite band?" "My rabbi."

"If you could be friends
with anyone living or dead,

who would it be?" "Henry Kissinger."

[LAUGHTER]

- EUGENE: See?
- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Yeah, you want to try something?

BOBBY: There's something new I've
been doing for the last five years,

EUGENE: Yeah?

BOBBY: But this is called
a friendship call...

I'm sorry. Excuse me, John.

Hello. My friend,

Ali Reissen. Do you know her?

- No.
- She's a very, very funny comedian.

She was gonna go next,
but then you bumped her,

which is obviously fine.

But we were just wondering
if you could go after her,

'cause she has a spot that
she has to get to after this.

I can't do that. I have a 10:45 spot.

That's the only reason I asked to bump her.

It would mean a lot to her.
It would mean a lot to me.

I'm a huge... it's... you're
like our comedy Kennedy.

This is exciting for
me. I'm a really big fan.

Oh!

So you didn't hear what I just said.

No, I heard you. I'm just wondering...

The reason I bumped her
is 'cause I need something.

To undo the bump would be to
take away the thing I want.

Why would I do that? And
who are you in all this?

And what are you to her that you
walk over to me on her behalf?

No, I'm trying... I'm
trying to impress her.

I... I'm... I'm a comic.

Great. Do you have a business card?

- No, I...
- That was a put-down.

I'm sorry. My dad just told me

if you want something,
you gotta ask for it.

- Oh.
- So, I saw you...

Your dad sounds like an idiot.

Is he like a
salt-of-the-earth type person?

Hi. What's going on?

- Are you Ali?
- What are you doing? I am. Hi.

I am very sorry for bumping you,

but I have to get somewhere, so...

I was just seeing if he would swap with you

so you could get to your show on time.

- We're talking about it.
- N... oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

- I did not ask him...
- Oh, you don't have to apologize.

I fully know it's him.

Yeah. Can I...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?

I... I'm trying to help.

But... I didn't ask you to.

- I... I'm sorry.
- Right, but if I wanted him to switch,

I would've just asked him to switch.

I didn't need you to step in
and Suge Knight the situation.

I didn't hit him with an SUV. I'm
trying to help you with your problem.

It's kinda not how this works, Pete.

- Okay.
- So...

- I just...
- It's fine.

- I know. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.

[LAUGHTER]

I was walking on West 12th Street...

I was downtown, I was on West 12th Street,

and I was downtown. I was walking
one afternoon. I was downtown.

I'm walking towards this
guy, he's walking towards me,

and we're downtown.
And as he walks past me,

he's on his cell phone, and I hear him say,

"No, no, no, I can't meet
right now. I'm way uptown."

And then he looked at me, he
winked, and he kept walking.

The greatest person I've
ever met in my whole life.

Greatest person I've ever...

he should be declared
mayor of New York City.

a*t*matic mayor, even if he's had

a sex scandal, which he probably has

if that's how he conducts
himself on a day-to-day basis,

if he's lying about his whereabouts

at two o'clock in the
afternoon on a Wednesday

while eye-high-fiving
random guys on the street.

[LAUGHTER]

MAN: Please put your hands
together for Ali Reissen, everybody!

[CHEERING]

How are you? I'm wearing
overalls. Take it in.

[LAUGHTER]

I always feel, like...
when I wear overalls,

I feel like a hipster toddler.

You know? "Mommy, can we pwease
listen to Chance da Wapper?"

- [LAUGHS LOUDLY]
- [LAUGHTER]

Do you guys like impressions?

- [CHEERING]
- Cool.

This is Meryl Streep

trying to take a compliment.

So it's... Meryl Streep, she's really

trying to take a compliment. Here we go.

Here we go.

Oh! Oh! No!

No! No!

No, no, no!

- You, you, you, you, you!
- [LAUGHING LOUDLY]

You, you, you!

- You, you, you, you! No!
- Too good!

- You, you! You!
- Pete: Too good!

- Too good!
- You! You make the best guacamole!

You! [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Oh!



[BEEPS]

ALI [ON VIDEO]: This is Meryl Streep
trying to take a compliment.

- [PETE LAUGHING LOUDLY ON VIDEO]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

PETE: Too good!

It's a good set.

- [PETE LAUGHS LOUDLY]
- Ali [ON VIDEO]: No! No! No!

Is that you?

- ALI [ON VIDEO]: No! No! No!
- I... I mean...

- Is that your laugh?
- PETE [ON VIDEO]: Too good!

ALI: Are you saying, "Too
good"? You, you, you!

Yeah, I think that's... that's me.
I must've been right by the camera.

Your laugh just ruined my tape.

PETE [ON VIDEO]: Too good!

- ALI [ON VIDEO]: You! You!
- [BEEPS]

I... I thought laughing loud would help...

Would help to get the crowd going. I-I...

Getting them going?
What are you talking about?

They were amazing! You can't
even hear them, though, over you!

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh my God.

- I...
- f*cking sucks, man.

That sucks. That sucks.

Sorry, but, you know, we got

Whiplash, we got another one.

- We'll get a good tape from there.
- No.

You still have a sh*t. We
still... We can do this.

- Pete.
- What?

I think we should call it.

Okay, I... I f*cked up. I f*cked up.

- Yeah.
- And I just... let me make it right.

I'll set up the camera.
I'll set up the camera.

I don't... you're not... Pete,

I appreciate the sentiment.

I don't need your help in this pursuit.

I just wanna get my tape.

I was so close, and it's f*cked,

and that sucks,

so just let me go do my thing.

I won't laugh. I'll laugh
normal. I'll laugh like...

- [LAUGHS] These are fun, silly laughs.
- Pete...

I hear what you're... I
hear what you're saying!

I don't need your help with Mulaney!

I don't need your help with
my tape. I'm great on my own.

I know I f*cked up with Mulaney.

I'm so good, and I don't resent you.

I'm fine!

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[MAN SIGHS] Come on.

CONDUCTOR [ON P.A.]: Sorry,
ladies and gentlemen,

there's maintenance
on the train ahead.

We have a delay on the track, and we
should be moving again momentarily.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MUTTERS] sh*t.

- Hey.
- Seriously?

I know. Would it be okay
to help you right now?

- What?
- The last stop was Union Square, right?

This... this is almost 6th Avenue.

That means we're only a few blocks away.

We're in the middle of a tunnel.

We're not. I can see the station from here.

- Just forget it. Please just go away.
- Look.

Just go!

You don't have to like me.

I get it. I understand.
Just let me help you

and you never have to see me again.

I just wanna get you to your show, okay?



Let me... let me fix this.

- Okay.
- Yes, yes.

- Okay. Just follow me.
- [MUTTERS]

[SCOFFS]



ALI: Ah! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

- What are you doing?
- I saw this in John Wick 2.

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh my God.

ALI: Oh sh*t.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

ALI: Go, go, go, go, go!

- [MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

All right, folks. She's
hilarious, and she's here.

Ali Reissen, everybody!

[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

Sorry I'm late.

Oh boy. I'm winded.

[SIGHS, BREATHES HARD] Hey.

- How are you guys?
- [CHEERING]

Nice. Nice. I-I have a roommate... still.

Yeah. Anybody else compromising
their living situations?

- [APPLAUSE]
- Okay, yeah! She told me that she grew up

believing that women lose their virginity

whenever their hymen breaks.

And I'm like, "That's crazy.
Like, if that's the case",

"I lost my virginity when
I was at gymnastics camp,

when I was 11 years old,
and I slept with my coach."

So I don't know... was it very successful?

[LAUGHTER]

Do you guys like impressions?



♪ I can hold out ♪

♪ My luck is bound to change ♪

♪ One of these days ♪

It's too good. It's too good!

PETE: Don't.

- Too good!
- No, no, no, no!

♪ There's nothing upon me ♪

♪ And I've got to... ♪

- It's laundry day.
- [LAUGHTER]

A lot of guys will try to fight me,

'cause I'm stealing their jobs.

A guy said, "I'm gonna
tear you a new assh*le."

[LAUGHTER]

And I said, "I'm a robot.

I don't have an assh*le."

So maybe that would be good."

I think the Transformers
franchise is r*cist.

[LAUGHTER]

It's a bunch of my people,
ashamed of who they are,

pretending they're inanimate.

And they're always like, "Joe..."

we're just doing that
so humans aren't scared."

And I'm like, "Well, you
should've thought of that

"before you turned into monsters

"and destroyed all those
cities with your fistfights.

- [LAUGHTER]
- "'Cause the secret's out.

"You don't have to be a truck anymore."

- ♪
- [LAUGHTER]

♪ There's nothing upon me ♪

[LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
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