02x05 - The Eyes of Evie Barret

[bunniefuu]

Good news, wife. I've
repaired the kitchen door.

The raccoon will vex us no further.

Oh, Silas, you are the
most loving of husbands.

I feel so safe when you're near.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Thud]

- Ohhh!
- Aah!

[Ominous chord strikes]

Bad news, wife. It's the constable.

His throat has been slitteth.

[Gasp]

♪♪

[echoing] ♪ La-la ♪

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La la ♪

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ La-la la ♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

[Suspenseful chord strikes]


[Birds chirping]

You know, just because
you used to be sheriff,

doesn't mean you can just call me

and I'll drive you places
whenever you want.

You think I like it, sister?

Let me ask ya a personal question.

What's with the "No alcohol
in the squad car" policy?

- When exactly did that start?
- I don't know.

Since the beginning of squad cars?

You're out here, tryin'
to nail drunk people.

You wanna get 'em, you gotta be 'em.

You gotta [strikes palm]

Get right in their skin!

[sighs] What about your car?

Ah, you know how Denise likes to
park it with the windows open?

- It got stolen?
- No,

a couple of crows flew in there,

- [Laughs]
- made a nest, and, now,

she won't let me drive it
until the eggs hatch.

Hey, you know a group of crows
is called a m*rder?

Yeah, well.

- [Horn honking]
- Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah, that's a close...

Did you see that?!

[Siren chirps]

[Suspenseful music plays]

Book 'em, Danno.

♪♪

Know why I stopped you?

- 'Cause I'm good-looking?
- [Pen scratching]

You were speeding.

Mm. My bad.

If I'd known the sheriff
was as pretty as you,

I would've gone a lot
faster, a lot sooner.

Wow!

Hey, I have an idea. Let's, uh,

meet for drinks.

[Cluck-cluck]

I have an idea, too.

But there'd be too many witnesses.

[Chuckle]

So that's a yes?

[Chuckle]

Stan, you know that guy hit on me?

I can't believe it!
This is the third time

in a month! I'm sick of it.

And I'm wearing
a uniform, for God's sake.

Well, it's your own fault, you know?

- My fault?
- Clean hair, good gums,

you're outside.

You're sendin' all the signals.

What?! No!

You wanna hear something interesting?

Back when I was sheriff,

not a single woman ever hit on me.

- Would you like to know why?
- I'm sure you'll tell me.

Because I was wearin' a wedding ring.

Not available.

Los carne marquito es cerrado.

Marquito is not a word.

[Music-box lullaby plays]

[Bell chimes]

♪♪

Hi, there.

Do you have any wedding rings?

Something to make me look married

or less unmarried, something like that?

Isn't that something your fiancé

should be buying for you, dear?

Yeah, no. He would be, if I
had one, but I am divorced.

Thank God.

No, I just need to look married.

I mean,

I get hit on constantly.

I mean, you know what I'm talking about.

You probably... I mean, when you were...

So, do you have anything?

I think I do.

Awesome.

- This stone
- Hey, there!

Symbolizes the lifelong
entwining of soulmates.

[Scoffing]

I'm very bitter. How much?

Why don't you just take it, dear?

I'm always happy to help the police.

No, I cou... I cou...

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, you're gonna put it
- Ooh!

- On me, wow.
- Perfect fit.

Wow. I guess it does.

- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Door opens, bell chimes]

[Suspenseful music climbs]

[Music-box lullaby plays]

I have an idea. Let's, uh,

meet for drinks.

[Cluck-cluck]

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La la ♪

♪ La-la la ♪

- [Thwack!]
- ♪ La ♪

[Eerie music climbs]

Do-o-o-n't!

[Crickets chirping]

[Gasp]

[Exhales softly]

[Birds chirping]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Exhales sharply]

[Ring]

- Yeah?
- [Garbled blah-blah-blah]

Hey, Leon.

[Garbled blah-blah-blah]

Really?

Uh, okay. I'll be right there.

- [Garbled blah]
- [Receiver hits cradle]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Siren wails, stops]

[Car door opens, closes]

Euuuwghhh.

I waited for you to turn him over

in case it's somebody
I knew in high school

and I hated 'em and start laughin'.

- Thanks. Help me out.
- Lift with your back.

- [Grunts]
- Oh!

[Thud]

- Oh!
- Huh. Nope.

Oh, my God.

I gave this guy
a speeding ticket yesterday.

Wow.

You think that ticket
was the final straw

in a miserable, empty existence

and he slit his own throat?

Wouldn't want that on me.

Uh, hand me the, uh, fingerprint kit.

- [stage whisper] Evie.
- Yeah?

If I went and got some onion
rings, would you want some?

Ah! All right.

We find the owner of these handprints,

- we've got our k*ller.
- Evie!

- Yeah.
- [whispering] Onion rings?

Yeah, sure.

♪♪

Hahhhh...

[Scoff]

[Running footsteps]

[whispering] I need some money.

- What's that smell?
- Men, Sergeant.

- Stan, I need to talk to you...
- Ahh, zsh, zsh.

I'm watching one of the greatest

motion pictures of the past years.

Little thing called "Ice Station Zebra,"

starring Rock Hudson.

Now, that's a man's man.

Not like these actors today.

You tell Rock Hudson
to go on a juice cleanse,

he'd eat a dog in front of ya.

[quietly] Okay.

Stan!

I think I may have k*lled someone.

You had me at "k*lled."

In my sleep.

- Ahh, you ruined it.
- This is serious!

All right, so, I have a dream

that I slit a guy's throat, right?

It's just a dream. Sure.
Fine. No problem.

Today,

that same guy

shows up dead, on the sidewalk,

with his throat slit!

♪ Cool! ♪

No, it's not cool!

It's not cool that I'm k*lling people

in my sleep! It's horrible!

No, I meant this baby-crow blanket.

Hahh. I'm gonna go
take it out to the car,

to the mama crow.

Ca-caw. Ca-caw ca-caw-caw!

Stan, I don't know what to do.

- [Door slams]
- Do I arrest myself?

I mean, how would that even work?!

Take a load off.

Do what I do when I'm facing
a troubling situation:

(a) Do not think about it and

(b) Go on about a case of brews.

All the best.

[Slurping]

[Grunting]

I got it. I got it.

[Crash!]

Excuse me, Sheriff.

I need a restraining order.
I don't even know you!

It's for my boyfriend. He's crazy.

He threatened to b*at up my dad because

- You!
- I do...

God.

Come on. Let's go.

No, you hold your horses, mister!

You let go of her, right now!

[Ominous music plays]

[Scoffs]

Oh, yeah?

You want a piece of me?

You don't have to do this. He's a child.

Oh, don't you worry. This won't be

the first child I've sent
to the hospital.

[Sinister chord strikes]

♪♪

[Eerie music plays]

♪♪

[Thudding]

♪♪

[Suspenseful music climbs]

[Ominous music plays]

[Music-box lullaby plays]

♪♪

[Ominous chord strikes]

[Thudding]
[Ominous chord strikes]

He's dead!

You k*lled him!

You saved me!

[Gasp]

- Mnh.
- Mm!

Mm! I want you.

Mnh.

Uh... No.

Why don't you go freshen up

and I'm gonna draw a chalk outline

around your boyfriend's corpse.

No, not here. Not now.

I'm in mourning.

Call me in an hour.

I know, but I still
haven't figured out...

[Ring, beep]

Hey, what's up, Leon?

- I just k*lled a guy.
- What?

We were fighting and he
had a heart att*ck.

He kicked my ass to death.

[whispering] Hey.
Leon k*lled someone, too.

That's him.

Mr. Bandwagon.

Wait. "Too"? Like "also" too?

All right. I'm not totally sure,

but you know that guy
whose throat got slit?

I'm afraid I might've done it.

You think this makes us closer?

- What?!
- No, nothin'.

I'm just saying. It's, you know,

nice havin' a buddy
who's on the same page.

- [Beep]
- Great.

Listen, I'm afraid
to go to sleep tonight.

I mean, what if I k*ll again?!

You'll be fine. Just
don't k*ll me or Denise.

- Jiminy!
- [Panting]

Pregnancy hormones are like
bath salts for crows.

[Exhales deeply]

Make that just me.

All right. Guys, I need someone

to watch me tonight, to make sure

I don't go to sleep.

Well, here, I'd love to do it, but,

my ass and my chair

are currently having a playdate.

I'll do it, Evie. I mean,
the pain in my face

is gonna keep me up for days.

I'll go pack.

Wow-ow,

everything really does
happen for a reason.

[Chuckle]

Gosh, she's upbeat.

[Crickets chirping]

[Sniffing]

Ewgh.

- Ow! Ow!
- Okay!

Ow.

Hey, if you want to

pick the first movie, go right ahead.

I've got it!

[Breathing deeply]

The screen's black,
then the words come up...

"Welcome to General Cinemas."

♪ Ta ta-ta-ta ♪

♪ Ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta ♪

Then Dennis Hopper...

[Inhales sharply, exhales deeply]

Puts lipstick

all over his lips.

[yawning] You know what?
I'm gonna stop you.

Hold that thought.

I'm just gonna grab some coffee.

[Crickets continue chirping]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪♪

Sorry about that. I just...

[Snoring]

Great.

[Ticking]

[Snorts]

♪♪

[Snoring]

♪♪

[Snort]

♪♪

[Staccato snore]

[Ticking]

♪♪

[Snoring]

[Eerie music plays]
[Creaking]

- [Music-box lullaby plays]
- [echoing] ♪ La-la ♪

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La la-la la-la ♪

♪ La-la ♪

[Creaking]

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La la-la la ♪

[Gasp]

- ♪ La-la ♪
- [Ring]

- [Gasp]
- [Ring]

[Door slams]
[Ring]

Oh.

[Ring]

- Jello.
- Oh, Stan! Thank God.

Okay, listen up.
I just saw it in my dream.

There is someone in your house

and they're trying to k*ll you.

And it's not me!

Because I'm here!

And I have nicer hands.

Yeah, I don't know what you drank,

but it was too much. Good night.

No, no, no. Wait! Stan, I'm serious!

- [Outer door slams]
- Stan?!

[Music-box lullaby plays]

Stan!

Stan!

[echoing] ♪ La-la ♪

Stan!

♪ La-la ♪

- ♪ La ♪
- Stan!

What am I wearin'? I'm
wearin' my work uniform.

- What are you wearin'?
- Hey.

[rapidly] Look, I gotta go. Bye.

Lab reports. Okay, good.

The fingerprints on the
jacket were not mine,

which we already knew.

But they don't match anything
in the database, either.

Oh! They found a long,
gray hair on the jacket.

And guess what was on the end of that!

Saltwater taffy.

- What?
- Paper clips.

- No.
- Chewin' tobacco.

- Why am I letting you guess?
- Motor oil!

Why would you...?

Necrotic flesh.

Like from a dead person.

Oh, so we're lookin' for a dead female

who pushes people off of roofs

and may, or may not, work at Jiffy Lube.

What? No! Why? Why?!

She'd be easy to find, if we
had night-vision goggles

and a helicopter, but not
with our state budget.

It's all wasted on food banks
and afterschool programs.

Okay now, this is interesting.

- [Suspenseful music plays]
- According to the autopsy report,

the guy you k*lled?

Had already been dead for a month.

They exhumed his grave. It was empty.

I-I re-k*lled a dead guy?

This is all starting to make
some kind of horrible sense.

I'm gonna check
the county records to see

if any sheriffs were k*lled
by being pushed off a roof.

I'm gonna call the state capital,

see if I can shake loose some
of that helicopter money.

♪♪

[Ring]

[Ring]

Helicopter department, please.

[Rattling]

[Thud]

Come on.

♪♪

Oh.

♪♪

Married.

Seemed happy.

God, socks were cheap back then.

♪♪

[Sinister chord strikes]

Clearly, it's the same ring,
but, that still doesn't explain

why I'm seeing through
the eyes of a k*ller.

You see that woman?

She looks just like my new girlfriend.

You could even say she's a...

dead ringer.

- Mm.
- You know, ring?

- Yeah, no, I got it.
- [Laughs]

- Where does she live?
- I don't know.

But you're already
calling her your girlfriend?

See, this is the thing with you.
You always rush into stuff.

No. Maybe I just go slow

faster than you do.

So the only other lead we have

is the old woman at the antique store.

I'll drive.

It's one street over.

Oh, dear God. Activate... action pants!

[Rattling]

Lights and siren.

I'm gonna meet you there.

[Siren wailing, tires screeching]

Yeah, hey, Stan, it's me.

Listen, I think we got
a lead on those killings.

I'm not sure where it's gonna go, but,

I think it starts at the antique store,

so, uh, meet us there.

[Squeaks]

- [Tranquil tune plays]
- [falsetto] "Oh,

you should just meet us there."

Uh, yes, sir, miss.

- Jawohl, mein Commandant.
- [Crow caws]

You know what's the funniest thing?

Whenever I put that ring on,
I've been seeing murders.

Really? [Chuckle]

It's just a ring.

Mm. It's the ring

of a dead constable's wife.

And that woman standing behind her?

I totally tongue-darted her yesterday.

Yeah, and, if you want to do it again,

you'll shave that mustache.

Say what?

Ohh.

Yes, Sheriff [chuckle]

- [Suspenseful music plays]
- we are one and the same.

Years and years ago,

I was

Constable Pruitt's mistress.

He... promised to leave his wife for me

and, then, he didn't. [Chuckle]

I couldn't steal him, but,

I could steal this.

I wanted him dead, but I...

I couldn't bring myself
to do it, of course.

And then,

Constable Eccles appeared to me.

He said that, if I k*lled Pruitt,

I would stay young and beautiful

until I found myself
a new sheriff to wed.

♪♪

And that... that grew tiresome.

Heh. Very tiresome.

And, eventually, [breathy chuckle]

I stopped looking.

It's been almost years.

♪♪

[crying] And then,

you came in here,

wanting a wedding ring,
just to look married,

just to keep men away.

[Sputtering laugh]

I wanted you to see what it's like

for a woman who wanted marriage,

and it was denied her.

- Couple of things...
- Yeah, I have a big question.

- What?
- What do you think of my mustache?

That's your question?

- Yeah.
- I wanted to tell you...

Oh. Oh.

[Tranquil tune continues]
[Crows cawing]

Listen to me. Either pipe down

or I'm gonna throw a cat back there.

How do you like that? Huh?

- [Wings fluttering]
- Oh, for the love of... Stop.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Oh, my God, the roof.

Evie!

Leon?! Where are you?!

Down! Here!

♪♪

[Suspenseful music climbs]

- Unhh! Damn it!
- [Crows cawing]

Ah! Jesus, don't... peck the driver.

♪♪

It's time to end this nightmare.

k*lling yourself is not the answer.

I'm not gonna k*ll myself.

I meant it's time to k*ll you.

- That tracks.
- Mm.

- ["Here Comes the Bride"]
- ♪ La la la-la ♪

- [Music-box lullaby plays]
- ♪ La la la-la ♪

- Uhh...
- [echoing] ♪ La-la ♪

- ♪ La-la ♪
- Where did she go?

- Right here, dear.
- Ahh!

I got her, Evie.

Even if I have to sh**t
through you to get her.

Okay, I don't think we're there yet.

[Suspenseful music plays]

In fact,

Leon can marry you!

- What?!
- Shut up! You're doing it!

Heh.

You always wanted to marry
a... a constable.

That's what you said.

But he's only a deputy.

At your age, you can't settle?

I mean, I-I could even do the ceremony.

Right here. Right now!

But you just said I
always rush into things!

[tersely] Read the room.

- [Crows cawing]
- Stan: Are you kidding' me?

Ewww!

Ohh! That better not be your...

Oh. It's your foot.

Okay, uh... Okay, do you...?

Priscilla Atherton.

Pretty name. Do you, Priscilla Atherton,

take this man, Leon Drinkwater,

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

- I do.
- Great. Do you, Leo...

- Yeah.
- Okay. Uh...

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[Eerie music plays]

- [Rumble]
- Ooh!

How do you think I feel?

Ohhh.

What is happening?

Oh, that? Well.

- Agh!
- Constable Eccles

only guaranteed you
eternal youth and beauty

until you found yourself a new husband

- and, now, you have one.
- N-No.

I guess you'll have to go back to being

a normal, everyday,

- -year-old woman.
- Noooooooooooooo!

[Eerie music climbs]

- Aggggghhhhh!
- Aah!

Aaaah!

[hoarsely] I'll... k*ll... you.

- Ah! Oh!
- What the hell's goin' on here?

- [Bones snap dryly]
- Aah!

Ew!

- Ohhh!
- No. No-o-o.

- Ugh.
- [Thud]

Ah,

well, everything's fine
'cause we found the m*rder*r,

but it's okay 'cause Leon married her.

Yeah, well, I just drove out here

in a car full of crows.

Didn't phase me. You know why?

It's Nothing Bothers Stan Tuesday.

- [Bones snapping dryly]
- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I'm a widow?

Oh, buck up there, Leon.

There are plenty
of other fish in the sea.

Maybe none quite so old as her,

but I don't judge.

That's not true. I do judge.

But not today. Everybody gets a pass.

Seriously, Leon, you okay?

Yes, th-that was your idea, you know?

- I know!
- You think I was excited about tonight?

Can you imagine what
she looked like naked?

Oh, I can.

I bet she looked like a pile of peppers.

Wow. Okay. I'm leaving.

I have another one.

I bet she looked like
her own weight in raisins.

- Goodbye!
- A dolphin's blow hole,

surrounded by chicken fat?

Good night.

Tough crowd.

- [Sizzling]
- [breathlessly] ♪ La ♪

♪ La-la ♪

♪ La la ♪

♪ La la la-la ♪

♪ La ♪