02x07 - Mirror, Mirror

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Stan Against Evil."

What is that thing growing
up by the station?

When the first flowers bloom,
the portal will open,

and the Land of the Dead

shall corrupt the Land of the Living

for time without end.

Should we get a new map now?

Constable Eccles was the only witch.

Did you ever think
that it might be possible

to save the life of someone you lost?

Stan: I can go back and save Claire.

I got to figure out
how to travel back a year

to save my wife,

and the only way I'm going
to be able to do that

is if I find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

♪

- [Chickens clucking]
- [Cow mooing]

[Animals lowing]

She has much milk in her this morning.

When I think of how much money

this milk will fetch at market,

it's as if her teats
were full of diamonds.

I know if my manly bosom
could produce diamonds,

I would fill bucket after bucket.

[Milk trickles]

Of precious, precious man-boob diamonds.

- [Clang, splatter]
- [Rooster crows]

[Screaming]

[Discordant music plays]

[Demonic voice] You're out of milk.

[Screams]

[Laughs]

♪

[Tires screech]

[Gear shifts]

[Knocking]

[Grunts]

Let's do this.

[Door closes]

These, uh...

These are the eyeballs of that thing.

It came up out of Evie's
grave and tried to k*ll us.

[expl*si*n]

Looked like a big pile of
crap covered in bullshit.

[Shrieks]

Oh, I remember, Sheriff.

The Wraith?

[Shrieking, growls]

Why do you want to go into the past?

Not that I consider you
particularly "modern."

Oh, you got that right, buster.

This country ain't been the same
since Evel Knievel d*ed.

Here's the bottom line...

I got to back to last year
and save my wife's life.

No!

No! No!

Absolutely not, Mr. Miller.

- See?
- I...

Evel Knievel. They told him no, too.

You can't jump over Caesar's Palace.

He did.

You can't jump over
double-decker busses.

He did.

You can't jump over Snake River Canyon,

and he damn sure did.

No, he didn't.

He crashed every one of those times.

But he tried. He tried like a man.

A man in a skin-tight leather jumpsuit

with a beautiful cape,
good hair, a helmet, and...

I've gotten off-topic.

Listen to me.

I got to find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

So?

So...

That's where you come in.

He's been dead for years.

He's some kind of black
magic, sorcery assface.

[Sighs]

Won't you do it for Claire?

Please?

[Exhales softly]

[Sniffing]

The hell is that?

Sage. It purifies the room.

Smells like a pregnant raccoon
d*ed in your chimney.

Eh.

[Thud]

From the Great Lady and The Seven Winds,

I summon Charon,

blessed ferryman of the river Styx.

We summon Gerard DuQuette,
denizen of the Otherworld.

Yeah. What she said.

- [Fingers cracking]
- [Grunts] Ow!

Nails.

Da Rakom, Ossun, Hekuba,
I summon thee all,

Da Rakom Ossun, Hekuba,
I summon thee all.

- [Thudding]
- [Gasps]

♪

[Sighs]

♪

Now what?

Does the doorbell ring,
he pops out of a cake,

and gives me a nobjob?

[Scoffs] I don't understand.

I... I've had weak responses before,

but never just nothing.

Well...

Maybe he was gonna show up,

but then he got a load
of that crap you burnt.

I know what I should have said.

It smells like somebody popped
a balloon full of clown farts.

Worst...

Seance...

Ever.

[Discordant music plays]

Man: Hellooo?

What?

Denise?

[Music continues]

Is that you?

I don't think so.

[Sigh]

♪

Are you...?

I am.

♪

Constance Eccles told me...

I know.

Why weren't you at the seance?

I had a thing.

Lookit.

I got to figure out how to...

How to use the eyes of the Wraith

to travel back just one
year instead of

so that you can save
your dear wife's life.

- Correct?
- Exactly!

This is terrific.

How do I do it?

Do you like riddles?

No, I'm straight.

The first person is your passage

on the time-travel express.

You can go wherever they go,

on the day they're laid to rest.

You have hours to solve the riddle.

You fail, you die.

That's a little different
than the way they used to do it

in the Reader's Digest.

Makes it fun for me.

♪

hours.

Later, tater.

♪

Hey.

♪

How do I die?

♪

[Exhales]

[Gruff voice] Maybe you'll
do something so horrible

that the people of Willard's Mill

will band together
and k*ll you themselves.

[Laughing and clapping]

[Laughter echoing]

Oh, crap.

[Stan sighs]

♪

Denise, honey, you, uh...

You're good at pu...

[Growling softly]

Puzzles, aren't you?

Oh, Leon called to say
"Thank you for the fudge."

I beg your pardon?

Apparently you went down
to the station this morning

and you brought him some fudge.

[Discordant note plays]

That...

wasn't me.

Are you sure it wasn't you?

Why would I lie about fudge?

Well, we've all made
a bad batch of fudge before

and we lied about it.

Shame Fudge is real,

but we don't let it get us down.

We get back in the kitchen,
we roll up our sleeves,

and we try agaaain!

[Telephone ringing]

[Stan sighs]

- [Ringing]
- Oh, sh*t.

[Receiver slams]

Oh.

♪

Leon?

- Leon!
- [Clatter]

♪ And I'll have you
till the end of time ♪

What the hell happened to you?

The fudge.

The fudge happened.

[Distorted] ♪ I could only long
for your caress ♪

I don't know what you put in it...

That wasn't me.

Oh, yes, it was!

♪

Maybe you'll do something so horrible

that the good people of Willard's
Mill will k*ll you themselves.

♪ Golly gee, I can't
believe you're mine ♪

Leon.

[Distorted women's voices]

- Wheeee!
- What was in the fudge?

Freedom!

For my mind.

[Giggling]

[Scoffs]

I only got hours. I got to go.

- Wait!
- [g*n cocks]

- Oh, no!
- I got a better idea.

Why don't I k*ll you
and you go to Heaven

and you call me, tell me what you see?

[Laughs]

I'm scared.

♪

[Knocks rhythmically on door]

[Gruff voice] Oh, hi.

Did you want to try the seance again?

That sounds delish.

J'entre?

Sure.

Love the house.

You were just here yesterday?

Oh, snap.

♪

[High-pitched voice]
Are you looking at my bum?

No, Leon.

- Geranimo!
- Leon.

♪

[Giggles]

We're gonna need the
others if we're gonna...

I had a bucket like this once.

- Okay.
- [Doorbell rings]

[Whispering] Company!

[Giggles]

[Door opens]

Oh, hi, Gordy!

Hello.

Gordy the mailman?

You come in here, you rascal.

- Well, hello, Stan.
- Hi, Gordy.

What's... What's that saying
you mailmen have?

Neither snow nor rain...

Or sleet will stay these couriers

from their appointed rounds.

What about a bucket?

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

Would... Would that stay you

from... from your appointed rounds?

- A bucket?
- [Clang]

- Ah!
- [Screams]

[Lara screams]

- [Giggles] He's on the move.
- [Clatter]

- [Bucket clangs]
- [Screams]

Come here, you scamp.

[Giggles]

[Thud, Lara screams]

♪

"The first person."

The first person what?

Hey, pretty lady.

Look what I did.

My brain did this with my mind.

And my hand.

Leon, I really got to go.

You can go when Evie gets here.

When does Evie get here?

Tomorrow. Today's her day off.

I don't have that kind of time.

[Chuckles]

- [Discordant music playing]
- [Lara crying]

[Sniffles]

♪

[Telephone rings]

Hello!

Sh-Sheriff Barret, please.

Call her at home. She loves that.

♪

I need you to draw
Eddie the Head on my back.

- I beg your pardon?
- Eddie the Head.

From Iron Maiden.

I know who Eddie the Head is.

"Fear the Dark" much?

Let me see.

[Markers clack]

Oh, I think you're
really gonna like that.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

As true today as it was then. [Chuckles]

[Telephone rings]

Yello?

[Person speaking gibberish]

Hey. What happened?

Gordy's dead.

The mailman.

It was Stan.

Gor... Stan?! What?

Something seemed off at first.

He was just so happy and friendly.

Oh, yeah, that definitely
does not sound like Stan.

God, I know.

And you're sure it was Stan?

Yeah, it was him, all right.

He left you a message.

[Discordant music plays]
_

Hutchy much.

[Sighs] So then, he came by,
like we had talked about.

He... He was smiling, very polite.

Yeah, see, that's the thing.

I mean, I can definitely imagine

Stan k*lling someone with a bucket,

but this whole smiling, polite thing?

I mean, that does not track.

Mm.

Speaking of which,
where's the, uh, body?

Oh, that. [Laughs]

Just get here, please.

- Lara: I had just hung up.
- [Cellphone beeps]

Neither snow...

- nor rain...
- [Thud]

- Nor sleet will stay...
- Oh!

So, you're saying
this guy was... was dead,

and then he just...

Walked right through this room

and right out of that door.

What do you mean,
"Like we talked about"?

You said "Stan came by,
like we talked about."

Yeah. Stan came to me
to contact a spirit.

Stan?

Yeah, he wants to travel back
in time to save his wife.

Oh, no.

No, no, that's got to be so...

Dangerous? I told him.

Look, we were trying to summon
the spirit of Gerard DuQuette,

a practitioner of Black Magik
from the th century.

Oh, that's a... that's a great idea.

Summon an evil wizard!

But he didn't appear.

Are you sure?

Oh, my God, that's Anti.

This guy is still out there,
and everybody thinks he's Stan.

[Scoffs]

I can't believe there's a worse
version of Stan out there.

I didn't know that was possible.

♪

[Urinating]

Mm-mm!

Sheriff?!

These heirloom tomatoes?

They are now! [Laughs]

Martin!

Ahhh! Oh!

[Funky music playing]

Stan: Put that thing down, Leon.
I got to go.

[Imitating g*nshots]

♪ You can't stop 'em ♪

Martin! Sheriff Miller...

♪ No, no ♪

What is it?

♪ Them bootie cheeks ♪

♪ Got bitten by the b*at ♪

♪ Now you can't stop 'em ♪

Neither the rain...

nor snow...

nor...

- [Glass shatters]
- sleet...

- will keep these couriers...
- ♪ Well, well, well, well ♪

From their appointed rounds...
♪ Can't stop the bootie shakin' ♪

- ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
- Pshoo!

♪ Can't stop the bootie shakin' ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

[Telephone ringing]

♪ Can't stop ♪

Yello?!

- ♪ The bootie ♪
- [Splat]

Oh! Applesauce.

[Thud]

Hello?

Sheriff Miller did what
to your bird feeder?

[Telephone ringing]

Well, sweetheart, love takes many forms.

Hello?

Sheriff Miller climbed up on your roof

- and took a dump down your chimney?
- [Ringing continues]

Well, don't start a fire. Hang on.

Hello?

No, I don't want
to lower my credit score.

- Eat a bag of dicks!
- [Telephone rings]

Hello?

Evie: Oh, thank God, Stan.

Where have you been all day?

I've been here.

Do you have a witness?

Well, eh, more or less.

Okay, uh, second question.

Have you happened to have done
anything incredibly stupid lately,

like conjure the spirit
of a th-century evil wizard?

We're gonna have
to put a pin in that one.

Stan, were you planning on telling me

about your little
time-travelling scheme?

It's complicated.

Listen to me, there's a double
going around town

pretending that he's me,
and he's causing... mischief.

Yeah, you have no idea. I'm on my way.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

You... You go ahead and meet me
at my house, up in Claire's room,

and don't stop to get your nails done.

What are you... I don't get my nails...

- Clock's ticking.
- [Receiver slams]

[Cellphone beeps]

Definitely him.

All right, Leon.

You're in charge.

[Insects chirping]

Stan: The guy said I had hours

to solve this riddle or I'm a dead man.

Uh-huh, and how long ago was that?

hours and minutes.

Who's counting?

♪

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Come on, tickle pickle.

- [Sputters]
- [Laughs]

What the...?

What the hell?

What... What are you doing here?

I wanted to challenge you

to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

O-Okay.

♪

For stabs.

[Sand rustling]

Stan: It's almost : .

♪

[Doorbell rings]

It's midnight.

That's him.

Denise: Ooh, I'll get it!

She went downstairs.

Denise!

Oh, it's the ma... [Gasps]

[Moaning] [Screaming]

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

[Screams] Denise!

[Grunts]

Denise, are you okay?

♪

[Grunting]

Go for his eyes!

Yeah, the eyes! That's it, Stan!

The eyes!

I got it!

Eyes! The first person!

Oh, I get it.

That's clever.

♪

The first person is your passage

on the time-travel express.

You can go wherever they go

on the day they're laid to rest.

You solve the riddle
and you'll know what to do.

- [Growls]
- [Women shouting indistinctly]

- [Growls]
- Denise: Good job, Dad!

Take the mailman's eyes,
go back to yesterday,

and then don't summon Gerard DuQuette!

♪

Come on, Dad!

- [Grunts]
- All right, Stan!

Hold your horses.

You know what they say about eyeballs.

[Breathing heavily] They
don't gouge themselves out.

- [Splat]
- [Grunting]

[Screaming]

[Screaming in distance]

Well, that was a fun game.

I win.

[Giggles]

♪

[Echoed laughter continues]

[Panting]

[Sigh]

What's in the bag, Stan?

You said I had hours
to solve the riddle.

And I did.

It's the eyes.

The first person is the eyes.

♪

Indeed you did.

Get on it, little man.

[Panting]

[Discordant music playing]

- [Growling]
- Stan: It worked.

[Sighs]

♪

♪ Golly gee, I can't
believe you're mine ♪

- ♪ And ♪
- [Screams]

♪ I'll have you till the end of time ♪

♪ I was in the shadows of loneliness ♪

♪ I could only long for your caress ♪

- ♪ Suddenly, to my surprise ♪
- Ahh!

♪ The time is right ♪

♪ To wrap myself around you
and hold you tight ♪

♪ Golly gee, I can't
believe you're mine ♪

♪ And I'll have you
till the end of time ♪

Sweetheart, I'm sorry about this.

♪ I was in the shadows of loneliness ♪

You'll thank me later.

♪ I could only long for your caress ♪

♪ Suddenly, to my surprise,
the time is right ♪

♪ To wrap myself around you
and hold you tight ♪