03x07 - Intensive Scare Unit

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Stan Against Evil". Aired: October 2016 to November 2018.
"Stan Against Evil" follows a grumpy retired sheriff of Willard’s Mill, a small New England town built on the site of a massive 17th century witch-burning, and the new sheriff, as they fight a plague of unleashed demons.
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03x07 - Intensive Scare Unit

Post by bunniefuu »

Thaddeus Eccles
burns 172 people at the stake.

You could end this curse
in one fell swoop.

You want to defeat evil?

You gotta find a bigger evil
and let a little in.

According to the legend,

Kumbhakarna, or Haurus,
needs a human host.

Since Judy is part of
Eudora's bloodline,

were she to cast the proper spell,

she could summon Haurus
back to our plane of existence.

Whatever that thing is...

I think it might be more powerfu

than Constable Eccles.



I am known as Kumbhakarna.

Others know me as Haurus.

I thought you were Judy.

I possess the soul that was Judy,

but it is time for a new vessel.

Don't get me wrong, Judy's terrific.

No, no. She's great.
Let me ask you this...

if you were to possess my soul...

what's in it for me?

Power beyond comprehension.

The ability to destroy Constable Eccles

and rid Willard's Mill of
this wretched curse forever.

What if I'm already doing that?

You're doing a shitty job of it.

Eccles and the curse still reign.

But I'd help you.

Invite me in or stay
in this hell forever!



- What?!
- Dad.


Wake up!

It's time to go to the hospital!

I was having a nightmare.
What... What hospital?

You know, you have your thingy
where they check your doo-dad

so you don't get the yikes
up your hello!

Oh, that's right.

My doctor said I wasn't
getting enough shame.

Ugh. Get up!

Hey, Judy, if you want
to posses my body,

today'd be a pretty
good day for it, huh?

Alright, Mr. Miller,

we've given you something
to help you relax,

and you should be feeling
those effects any minute.

Well, I don't feel anything yet.
But let me ask you...

where are you and your family
spending Shark Week?

And, you... you...

you're more than welcome
to crawl into my pouch

and stay warm with your brother.

Okay, number four is ready!

Oscar the Grouch lives in garbage

and nobody cares!

Nobody cares about, uh...

Paging Dr. Herman.

Paging P.W. Herman.

Ms. Miller?

Oh. How'd it go?

He did great. I actually did great.

He just laid there.

I'm just kidding.

- There is a problem.
- What?

Nothing to be alarmed about.

But let me ask you... before
we gave your father anesthesia,

did he have any extra... anesthesia?

No. W-What's going on?

Is he prone in any way to comas?

- My dad's in a coma?!
- Now, I did not say that.

He is, however, in a coma.

Or a coma-like state.

Well, what's the difference?

Well, a coma-like state is three words

and takes longer to say, and

Also, in a coma, there's
very little brain activity.

Though your father's
body is unconscious,

his brain activity is all over the map.

Doctor, you're wanted in post-op.

Is it urgent?

Remember when you said
if it was urgent, come get you,

but act casual?

Oh. Mm.



I love your top.

Mr. Miller?


How are you?

'Zat it?

Yes, that's it.

You're all done, and you did great.

We need you to stay here, though,

because you're a little groggy

and we don't want you to hurt yourself.

What was that?

Okay, sit down, please. Sit!

Orderly, can you help this man?

I thought I told you
to stay in your room.


Thank you, Darryl. Be careful.

He's a fighter.

I'm sorry that you had to see that.

What the hell is this?

I thought you said everything went okay.

Yes, everything went okay with you.

But here in the hospital,
we've had a small viral outbreak

with a pinch of contagion,

so we've had to move you to quarantine.


Oh, come on. Give me a break.

How long am I stuck in this dump?

Hopefully, not too long.

And if you promise me to stay put,

I'll see what I can do about
getting you some ice cream.


I'm gonna cut you up! Fatty!

Oh, God.

Aye, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!


She ain't gettin' no ice cream.

Evie, I'm at the hospital with my dad.

You better get down here.

N-No, he's not causing a
scene, he's unconscious!

No, he's not sick!

Just get your cop ass down here!

It worked.


I like that.

Hey, nurse!

I'm sorry. I thought you worked here.


- Hi.
- Get away from me!

No, no. L-L-Little girl, w-wait!


Dr. Barlow, look.

Oh, gross!

Okay, let's call it.

Time of death... 11:27.

He's not d*ad, he's bleeding.


Well, let's h*t this fresh
in the morning.

It's late.

Oh, boy.

Dr. Flores, dial 118, please.

Hey, what's going on?

My da... What's going on with your face?

Oh, I was at my scrapbooking club.

Why is there a lightning
bolt on your face?

Uh, it's a David Bowie
scrapbooking club.

There's a David Bowie scrapbooking club,

and I don't know about it?

Well, no, it's just me alone...

at my house... like all my clubs.

What's going on with your dad?

Oh. Well, you know, he went in

for the old-man thing.

- Let's not dwell.
- M'kay.

It went fine, but now
they can't wake him.

They can't... I'll go talk to them.

Lightning bolt!

I'll go wash my face.


Lightning bolt! Right.

I gotta get in that club.

Now, looky there, Dr. Cox,
I didn't mean nothing

when I was making fun
of your hospital earlier.

The fact of the matter is,
when it comes to sewing

people's faces up,
you guys are best in breed.

You better go check that out, Doc.

Get to the bottom of that.

When you find the culprit,
call him a girl's name.

Who are you?

I'm trying to hide.

They want to turn me into one of
them, but I won't let them.

That's my girl.
Help me out of this thing.


How do you get out of here?

There is no way out of here.

There are no doors
leading to the outside,

and all the hallways
just lead to other hallways.

Well, you got in, right?
So there must be some way out.

The only door I haven't been to is...

the basement, but we
can't go down there.

Why not?

Because no one who has
ever gone down there

- has come out.
- I see.

So, you want to go to the basement?

- No!
- Me, neither. Let's go.

Come on, honey.

What if this place is all topsy-turvy

like in "The Poseidon Adventure,"

and the basement is really the attic?

It's not.

Okay. Okay.

Then what we have here

is an upside-down "Poseidon Adventure"

where everything is actually
exactly where it should be.

That's brilliant. That's brilliant.

Come on.

What happened to his forehead?

I have no idea.
None of this makes any sense...

unless we're all having
the same hallucination.

Unless we're all beautifully,
beautifully drunk

on the same delicious beverage.

- Doctor?
- Who are you?

- I'm the sheriff.
- Oh.

So let's assume we're not all drunk.

What is the plan here?

We need to relieve the
pressure on his brain.

I'd like to make one very small incision

- all the way around his head.
- And then?

You ever see the way
clams talk in cartoons?

And that's a normal course of action?


Then why are you doing it?

You said yourself, this isn't normal.

Maybe you need to think of it
as close to normal,


Because when people start
using "finger quotes"

and saying words like
"paranormal," it usually means...

Everybody's gonna
stop talking right now.

"Oh, shit."

I'll go check on that coffee.

When did you go in my purse?

We need to get a wheelchair.

We're getting him out of here.

- What are you doing?
- Shut up.

I'm feeling bossy, and I like it!

You said yourself this wasn't normal.

We all know what that means...

Which I know sounds really nuts,

but if you knew our family...

Now you shut up.
I know you're trying to help,

but you're just adding crazy sauce.

Where's our wheelchair?!

Oh, you want it now.

We're gonna have to pull
a "Weekend at Bernie's."

- Take him to a party?
- No, get him in a wheelchair,

and then sneak him out of here!

I'm... I'm... I'm sorry
I pulled your g*n on him.

That's okay. It's not loaded.

What? How... What?

Well, I was trying to do
the less-crazy version of this,

but your way seemed to work.

Where is this basement/attic of yours?

There's a door at the end
of this hallway.

- You mean all the way down there?
- Yeah.

A better man than me.

No, help!

Help me!

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, Leon.

Hey, Stan.

- Say something.
- What?

Something like Stan!

I hate when women go shopping!

Amen, brother.

We're out of our room again, Mr. Miller.

Where is she?

Whatever do you mean?

Where is she?

They're gonna sew my face up.

They're gonna make me like them.


They're not.

Let me tell you something.

They're gonna have an awful hard time

sewing with their head
shoved up their own...


You know, poopy bottoms.

I'm sorry.

It's been a very long time
since I've talked to a kid.

Mr. Miller, there's no
cause for v*olence.

She can leave.

All you have to do is
agree to join us here.


You have to ask.

Yes. I said yes.

What is it with you women?

Even in Hell, you can't
take yes for an answer.

No, y-you gotta hear yourself talk,

talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk!

You don't even know her.

That's the whole point, isn't it?

One time...

somebody sacrificed their own life

just to save mine.

And that's a heavy burden.

And I get that now.

So I gotta...

I gotta, you know...

Pay it forward?

If that was an expression, yeah.

It is an expression.

No, it's not.

Yes, I-it was a movie.

No, it wasn't.

Stanley, Stanley, Stanley.

I do believe you're ready.

Haro, Taro, Solomon!


Are you sure you're saying it right?

Am I sure I'm pronouncing
the d*ad language correctly?

No, I'm not sure! Ugh!

Hold on. Hold on.

Okay, hear me out.

He's not supposed
to be unconscious, right?

What if he isn't?

I mean, like, what if his consciousness

is... is somewhere else, and
his body is just trapped here?

Because I... I saw something, um...

something about, like, a un...
like, unifying the...

Unify. Like a reunification.

- Yes! Yes! Astral reunification, right?
- Okay.

- Let's try this one.
- Okay. Okay.

Your sacrifice will save others

the way your wife saved you,

and the circle will be complete.

What's in it for you?

I hate Eccles more than you do...

for my own reasons.

But we're running out of time.

Your friends know where you are,
and they're bringing you back.

Sanguis Bibimus,

Corpus Edimus,

Corpus Satani!

We can do better. I-I don't
think we said it right.

- We can do better. Okay, okay.
- Okay. Alright.

Sanguis Bibimus,

Corpus Edimus,

Corpus Satani!

Personally, I wouldn't worry
about it, if I were you.

Sanguis Bibimus...

- They're largely clueless without me.
- Corpus Edimus, Corpus Satani!

Sanguis Bibimus,

Corpus Edimus,

Corpus Satani!

- Sanguis Bibimus...
- It's just not my day.

Corpus Edimus...

This opportunity won't come again.

Sanguis Bibimus,

Corpus Edimus,

- Corpus Satani!
- Shut up!

- Sanguis Bibimus...
- Just shut up, will ya?!

Look, it's working. Did you hear it?

- So, we gotta keep going.
- Okay.

Sanguis Bibimus,

Corpus Edimus,

- Corpus...
- No!

No, no, no. H-He's saying no.

- No, he said, "Go," like keep going.
- No, he s... No, no, no.

- No, he said, "No." No, no, no. No, no.
- Sanguis Bibimus...

Do it.

Sanguis Bi...

No, no, no. No, no. He's
saying we should stop!

What are you tal... Denise!

- Sanguis Bibimus...
- No! No. No. No.

- Corpus Edimus...
- No! No! No! No! No!

What are you doing?!
Stop it! No! No! No! No! No!

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪ Sanguis
Bibimus, Corpus Edimus...

♪ Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah ♪

♪ Oh, doo-dah day ♪







- Come on, Stan.
- Dad.


No, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, Stan.

Come on, Stan!


Stan, come on!

He... Denise.


the hell have you done to my floor?!

Oh, Stan.

Wow! Okay.

Just, uh... 'Cause for a...

for a couple seconds there, you...

you were, uh...


What's with all the waterworks?

What are you... Bridget Jones,
writing another diary or something?

Let's clean all this stuff up.
What do you say?


Let's go. Lickety-split.


He's back!

"Bridget Jones's Diary."

- After Denise stole my g*n...
- Yeah.

Uh we preceded to break you

out of the hospital
and then... drive around.

Like "Weekend at Bernie's."

Yeah! Yeah!

God damn.

It sure as hell sounds like your weekend

was one hell of a lot
more interesting than mine.

Now, if you will excuse me...

I gotta go cop a squirt.

I'm glad he's back and peeing.
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