03x07 - The Rat King

[bunniefuu]

MAN: Previously, on "Casual"...

I should be apologizing to you.

- About what?
- Well, your sex addiction...

So you had lunch with Jack and
you told him what I told you?

I didn't think it was that big a deal,

and then I just... it...
it just, like, slipped out.

[beep]


[beep]_

[beep] _

I just got fired.

Do you think I need protection?

- Sorry.
- We're adults.

Todd was your direct supervisor.

He removed you from your post
and took advantage of you.

All right, I guess
I'll just find somewhere else

to do free work.

What the f*ck?

I don't like it like that.

Well, you didn't seem to mind before.

Well, now I do.

LEON: It's Leon.
I have tickets for "Rear Window"

tonight at Hollywood Forever.

[gasps] Oh, my God,

I have tickets to that.
You should totally go.

You coming?

No, I got plans.

It was a little nerve-racking,
but we all made it through.

I just feel ready.

- You're ready?
- Yeah, to move forward, to move on.

You found out that
your sister's your half-sister,

and that she has another half-brother.

I'm fine.

["Draggin' The Line"
by Tommy James plays]

♪ ♪

TOMMY: ♪ Making a living
the old, hard way ♪

♪ Taking and giving my day by day ♪

♪ I dig snow and rain
and the bright sunshine ♪

Yes.

♪ ♪

TOMMY: ♪ Draggin' the line ♪

All right, bye. Have a good one.

Stay out of trouble.

TOMMY: ♪ I feel fine ♪

♪ I'm talking 'bout peace of mind ♪

♪ I'm gonna take my time ♪

♪ I'm getting the good sign ♪

Stealing office property?

I prefer the term "scavenging."

And it's coconut. Nobody likes coconut.

Fair.

You made it.

An actual paycheck, how quaint.

It's like we're in the ' s
but with even more demagogues.

Any Friday plans?

Work, you?

Game night.

Celebrity?

"Magic: The Gathering."

Have fun.

♪ ♪

I got eight volunteers confirmed.

Great. Four will show up.

And I finished my call list.

Only got one "f*ck you."

Killin' it. How are you celebrating?

Going to my uncle's to play a kids' game

with people who are all older than me.

Please come.

Aw, I'm scheduled to shower.
Co-op living.

We ration hot water.

Well, my uncle has three showers,

and he's very wasteful.

♪ ♪

[beep]

♪ ♪

_

[snorting]

Why didn't you just say no?

Uh... [snorts]

Because she has an infinity pool
that makes you

feel both powerful... [snorts]

And sad at how unfair life is,
and it keeps me on my toes.

I still don't see
why you have to stay there

just to feed the cat.

She's and childless.
Joshua's not just a cat.

Joshua.

It's fine.

Benadryl and weed brownies
will K. O. my allergies.

What are you doing tonight?

Uh, Alex is making us play
"Magic: The Gathering."

That sounds awful. Who's coming?

Laura, Alex's new roommate, Leon.

- Oh.
- And I just... I haven't

seen him since I blew him off,
and it's just gonna be

so weird and awkward,
and he's probably gonna talk...

[mimicking Leon] Extra softly just to
t*rture me a bit.

All right, enjoy your dr*gs, Leia.

Have fun.

♪ ♪

RAE: [screams]

Gross! Ugh!

Oh...

We have a rat.

What? We most certainly do not.

There are droppings in my bathroom.

That could be anything...
dust, dirt, delusions.

We know your penchant for fantasy.

Well, I know the signs.
I lived in New York.

Oh, my God, you lived in New York?

I never knew.
You only mention it every day.

Look, this is LA, and, in LA,
we don't leave garbage

on the curb like it's pre-Jesus Rome,

and we don't have rats. Hey.

- Hey.
- What you got?

- Gruner?
- Yeah.

I predicted rosé.

Well, last week, I heard
these frat guys order "bro-sé,"

and I'm just done.

- Gross.
- How was your first week?

Strangely satisfying.

There are benefits working : to : .

Now my weekend actually has meaning.

You worked / at Snooger?

What? No, I mostly just hung out

and caused interpersonal problems.

Oh, I would've never guessed.

Hi, you must be Rae.

Yes, hi, nice to meet you.

You're Alex's half-sister, right?

Mm, is that how you describe me now?

- No, no.
- Sorry, no, no, no,

I meant genetically half.
You're full in spirit.

Alex told me about the memorial.

I can't believe your mom
blurted that out.

Oh, well, you know, she's extremely

- fond of attention.
- She is.

And you haven't talked to her since?

No.

Neither of us have.

Don't visit Medusa
without a sword and mirror.

[door opens]

Okay, so... this will be
up the stairs and to the left.

- Thanks.
- Hello.

- ALEX: Hi.
- Hi.

VALERIE: Hi.

Laura...

- Hi, Mom.
- Who's that?

Uh, Casey, my boss.

- From petitioning.
- What?

No, no, I don't do that anymore.

From Verde, my environmental internship.

- Oh.
- She's gonna shower,

and then she'll come down and join us.

Shower?

I don't remember you mentioning Casey.

You didn't ask.

CASEY: [screams]

♪ ♪

Now I know how King Tut feels.

My sanctuary's been desecrated.

How did it even get in?

Probably through the toilet.

They can do that?

It's more like what they can't do.

They can collapse their rib cages.

Hold their breath for three minutes.

Tread water for days.

They're everywhere and nowhere.

Like Russian hackers.

How do you know so much about rats?

Oh, we thought we had
an infestation at Verde.

Turns out it was just a rabid bat.

Well, Rae, thanks a lot.

- Excuse me?
- Well, do the math.

Before you, no rat. After you, rat.

So you obviously brought it
from New York.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it must have climbed aboard

my luggage when the steam ship set off.

Sure, or a train.
I've seen "Fievel Goes West."

- Fievel's a mouse.
- Okay, you know what?

It's your house, your rat.
You want it out?

- Call someone.
- And quick.

Where's there's one rat, there's .

$ , ?

I can literally have
a person k*lled for that.

No, that's not a thr*at.

It's a fact said threateningly.

[soft conversation]

f*cking extortionist.

Preying on the fearful... Who does that?

Politicians, priests,
every villain ever.

I'm worried about Laura.

- Why?
- 'Cause she's secretly

interning for a woman
she brought here to shower.

On a scale of one to Lewinsky,

that feels like a five, at least.

- Val...
- What?

Your only daughter is trying
to make a better world.

This is what parents dream of, okay?

As the revered poet McFerrin once said,

"Don't worry, be happy."

When is the exterminator coming?

He can't come till Thursday.

We'll set the traps ourselves.

I hope it doesn't turn into a rat king.

What's a rat king?

Is that like "The Nutcracker"?

When rats are in confined places

and their tails get intertwined,
they move as one,

a roving tumbleweed
of disease-ridden rodents.

That is not real. That can't be real.

Oh!

- It's real?
- Yep, ugh.

Evening, Gatherers.
Let the magic commence...

Cheese? Whose side are you on, Leon?

[screams] It's real.

- Yeah.
- Wait.

- What are we searching?
- Stop googling the rat king.

Ah, like "The Nutcracker."

Okay, we can't live like this.

- Valerie.
- Leon.

Call back the exterminator. Beg.

No, no, we are man,
top of the food chain.

We're the apex predator
through wits alone.

We don't bow to nature.

No, we bend nature to our will.

So let's cast off
these chains of modernity

and k*ll this rat.

[laughs]

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Hmm.

They like beer, peanut butter,
slim jims...

Rats: they're just like us.

They're also thigmophilic.

- What does that mean?
- "Touch-loving."

- BOTH: Aww.
- Yeah.

Hello? Yeah.

We could always get cage traps and then

set him free in a nice field.

Leon, I'm not running a rat taxi.

It'll just come back anyway.

Rats never forget a route in.

And poison won't work either.

They taste check their food
more than Castro.

Rest in peace.

You should probably
just burn your house down now

and collect the insurance money
while you can.

You weren't hugged as a child, were you?

Okay, Jack is bringing traps.

- Cage traps?
- Death traps.

♪ ♪

- So Jack?
- That's his name.

I wish I'd known.
I would've fired up the egg.

Fire up an egg.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

Why wasn't I debriefed?

'Cause we're friends.
There's nothing to brief.

I still think it's weird.
Why didn't you tell us?

You didn't ask.

You didn't want to bring
your girlfriend?

Well, I'm not sure
she is my girlfriend yet.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

The only way to survive in this house.

I'm not a huge fan of wine.

Gives me bitching headaches.

Only if you stop.

So Verde... what is it
you all do over there?

Well, we work with communities impacted

by fracking and oil wells,
and, on a macro level,

all people affected by climate change.

- So everyone?
- Whoever's willing to listen.

And do you have a lot
of volunteers in high school?

Just Laura, but honestly,
I forget sometimes.

She fits in so well.

Well, she always has.

Now why is it you don't pay
your full-time volunteers?

Well, if we got paid,
we wouldn't be volunteers,

- would we?
- Hmm.

% of our resources funnel
back into the organization.

I barely take a salary myself.

Wow, that sounds like a very hard life.

Sometimes, but if you want to
create real change,

then you gotta do more
than drive a Prius.

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Oh, finally, a witness.

You see that deception on display?

- Okay, "Crucible."
- Val just lied to my face.

- We don't do that.
- Except you lied to her,

like, an hour ago about your mom.

[splutters] It's... erroneous.

Now you're lying about lying.

Haven't you done enough?
First you defile my house,

then you make wild accusations.

- Who's on a witch hunt now?
- You know what?

For the last time,
I did not bring rats into...

[door bell chimes]

You brought rats.

Here's Johnny!

VALERIE: Jesus. [laughing]

What... Wow. Quite the arsenal.

Yeah, yeah, I took it kind of seriously.

Is there more?
There is, actually, but we...

Is that a bag of weapons?

Even Stevie could k*ll
with this arsenal.

You're the sunshine of my life.

Well, this doesn't
seem like a fair fight.

We are under siege.

Is it not fair to protect one's keep

from an invading barbarian horde?

No, I just wish there was
a more natural way.

What about a cat?

In New York,
bodegas keep cats to hunt rats.

Yes, only in New York
do people keep cats

to hunt rats 'cause that's not

a mainstay of human history or anything.

Of course, we don't have a cat.

We have a bag of weapons.

Leia has a cat.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm great.

Jesus, what happened to your neck?

Oh, this little fucker's vicious.

Also he does not like to be cuddled.

Perfect.

[cat meowing]

"You're about to embark
upon the Great Crusade.

"The eyes of the world are upon you.

"The hopes and prayers
of a liberty-loving people

everywhere march in communities..."

- Eisenhower's D-Day speech.
- Yes, it just came to me.

I love when that happens.

The other day, I pulled
Tom Skerritt's "Top g*n" speech.

Oh.

BOTH: "Gentlemen you are

the top % of all naval aviators..."

- Alex.
- Right, sorry.

[cat meowing]

Joshua, it's your time now.

He can be a little shy.

♪ We're looking for the rat king ♪

♪ Rat king, rat king ♪

♪ We're looking for
our problems to go... ♪

Uh, yeah, no, you're making it worse.

Yeah, that's dumb.

RAE: You really don't
wanna find your dad?

Sorry, I hope that's not too intrusive.

No, it's fine.

Yeah, I just feel like I'm .

I don't need to deliberately
add pain to my life.

No, I get that.

I don't know. I'm just saying

finding my dad was really illuminating.

Come on.

- You found your dad?
- Yeah.

Dad, sperm donor, protein source.

No, don't get me wrong, I never
felt lacking with my mom,

but something about seeing my nose

on another person's face gave me peace.

Yeah. Also, I found out

I have nine half-siblings.

- VALERIE: Whoa.
- RAE: Yeah, that's kidneys.

Okay, new plan, um,

let's pair up and pick rooms.

The rat's not gonna come where we are,

and we need to give the cat
room to do its thing.

So now.

All right, lock and load.

Smooth, real smooth.

Here's a thought...

Ever consider I might be protective?

That maybe I don't want my sister having

an emotional conversation
with a stranger

who brought rats?

Yeah, nice try. What are you hiding?

I'm not hiding anything.

Okay, cool, I'm gonna go
find your sister

and finish our conversation.

- Fine.
- Great.

f*ck, stop.

Ah, playing possum to lure
the rat onto the bed.

- That's a good technique.
- Yeah.

[thud]

- You got me.
- [sighs]

You know it's okay
to be not okay, right?

Took me a year to feel like myself again

after my dad passed.

Oh, no, it's not that.

The strange thing is knowing
the full story just feels like

a weight's been lifted
that I didn't even know I had.

I always felt like something was
off with us, and now I know why.

No, it's Laura that I'm worried about.

What's going on?

Well, she's... she's volunteering.

No.

I don't know.

I just... I don't trust it.

I... I... I don't know what
this Casey wants with Laura,

and I don't know
what Laura wants with her.

Do I sound crazy?

You're a mother.

Trust your instincts.

Is this okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

[water splattering]

♪ ♪

Sorry about the interrogation.

All good.

You think your mom's
the first to question

- my choices?
- Still.

I get it. I mean, you're her daughter.

She sees you as a kid.

She doesn't see you like I do.

Or know what we're trying to do.

♪ We're looking for
the rat king, the rat king ♪

- ♪ The rat king... ♪
- Stop.

- Are you...?
- What?

I said, are you upset?

If you just had feelings for her,

you should have told me.

Who, Valerie?

I mean, you didn't tell me
about tonight for a reason,

and I am so stoned I feel like
Matt Damon in "The Martian,"

except no one's gonna catch me,
and I'm just gonna float away

into the void of space,
but I still know that

I can't be your second choice.

I don't have feelings for Valerie.

Then why didn't you
tell me about tonight?

I've ruined relationships
by being overbearing...

And I... I couldn't forgive myself
if I did it with you.

- [chuckles]
- You could never be

anyone's second choice.

I just wasn't sure
if I could be your first choice.

But you could.

I mean, you are.

No more hiding. Let's tell them tonight.

[laughs]

I don't know why I went back.

Something drew me in.

Maybe it feels powerful
to be polarizing.

I don't know.

I should have just f*cking told Val.

- Alex...
- I know, I know.

You are shouldering too much weight.

I don't think so.

Your mom gave you information
that you didn't want.

She did it to hurt you.

Yeah, and I let her.

Well, you can't control your parents.

You can't cure them.

Just tell Val.

She'll understand.

How do you know when I'm lying?

You have a tell.
You do it when we play "Magic."

- I do not.
- Mm.

I'll forgive you for the rat.

Where were you the night
that I showed up at your hotel

and you were gone?

- Vegas.
- Okay.

A buddy of mine had a bad breakup,

and I felt like I couldn't say no.

It started out okay.

A few hours at the strip club
the first night.

A few more the second night,
and then, uh, one morning,

I woke up, and my hotel room
was trashed.

There was a woman to the left of me,

and a man to the right
that I swear to God

was about pounds.

And she said that I owed her $ , .

$ , ? For what?

Do not know. Don't remember.

So then I just paid her,
and they let me go.

It was low.

I was ashamed.

Then I came back. You were there.

And it was great. We were us.

Yeah.

I miss us.

- Hmm.
- I wish I had

an easier answer for you,
and I know that

with my celibacy that I couldn't
ask you to try again, but...

- But?
- I want to try again.

[snap]

♪ ♪

It's taunting me.

To be fair, you're trying to k*ll it.

'Cause it broke the social contract.

It came inside.

In New York, they understand.

Tracks are for them.
The platforms are for us.

Uh, I think nature took its course.

- Oh!
- Ew!

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

Ah, proud of you, buddy.

With death, we celebrate life.

"Gentlemen, this school is
about combat..."

"There are no points
for second place..."

BOTH: "Dismissed."

Hey, when do you think they'll start

playing beach volleyball, huh?

- RAE: Okay, color combinations...
- Hold on, one second.

Are really important, so you
need to pick a style that

best reflects your personality, right?

Oh, sorry, so you need
red and blue and white,

and you might be blue because, you know,

- because you're confident.
- Well...

Right?

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

You guys seem really close,
you and Casey.

Yeah, I guess so.

Something going on with you two?

What do you mean?

You know, you have a pattern.

What pattern?

Michael, Aubrey, you know,
the tendency to sort of

complicate relationships with sex.

Wow, it's so sad
that's what you think of me.

Well, Laura...

♪ ♪

Okay.

I think I've overfilled my family quota.

Vacate?

Definitely.

Uh, I'm due at my girlfriend's.

She's threatening to go full Ophelia.

So if you wanna go, I'll take you home?

Thanks, yeah, that'd be great.

- Later.
- CASEY: Thanks for the shower.

- Oh, bye, sure, anytime.
- LAURA: Bye.

MAN: We're gathering for the Magic.

- Bye!
- All right, let's go.

- So Laura's leaving?
- sh*t, yeah, I guess so.

She didn't tell you?

It seems to be her M. O. these days.

Yeah, speaking of, um,
remember my dress shoes?

From Dad's memorial?
Um, I couldn't just abandon them

at Mom's, so after
we released Dad, or whatever,

I went back to save them and Mom told me

you have a half-brother.

[coughs]

It's crazy, right?

Uh, uh-huh, yeah,
it's really... that's crazy.

Yeah, so, thought you should know.

Thanks for telling me.

All right, guys, should we play?

Absolutely, come on.

♪ ♪

Got to cut this album.

All right, "Magic" time.

Oh, yeah, the Gathering time.

ALEX: Jack's gonna be
frustratingly good at this.

JACK: Did I get beginner cards
or something?

RAE: No, I gave you the new deck.

- Yeah, yeah.
- JACK: No, I believe you.

[clinking]

Uh, before we start,
I'd just like to say that...

I have to take
a rain check on this game.

I've had a really long week,
and I'm so tired.

- You need a ride?
- Uh, yeah, that'd be great.

- Bye.
- Oh, no.

No, no, it's okay...
you can play another time.

- Really?
- I think I should call it too.

- Oh.
- Oh, same.

- I gotta get Joshua.
- Please, we haven't even

played one game yet.

Ah, we gotta celebrate man's victory.

To triumph and human spirit!

All right, bud, next time.

- All right, this was fun.
- Bye.

- Yeah.
- Bye.

- Okay.
- LEIA: Oh, sorry.

[car door slams]

When I was a kid,
I wanted to study earthquakes

because I was so terrified
of when the big one would hit.

I felt like if I could predict it,

then I would feel so much safer.

Even the best seismologist
can't predict it.

Like, they can't,
they just... they can't.

We have no control.

We are as clueless
as the people of Pompeii.

I mean, at least they d*ed quick.

I wanna try.

Without the sex.

You sure?

Mm-hmm, I can wait.

And I miss us too.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

So did you, uh,

did you talk to Val?

- Mm-hmm.
- And?

What, weight lifted or...

Well, no, not exactly.

Really? Man, I thought she seemed

pretty happy when she left.

She has a tell too.

[snap]

BOTH: f*ck.

ALL: ♪ We're looking for the rat king ♪

♪ Rat king, rat king ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We're looking for
your problems to go away ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We're looking for the
rat king, rat king, rat king ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So get on the phone
and call us today ♪

ANNOUNCER: Rat King Exterminators,

because we know pest control
is royally serious.