01x19 - C-H-- CHEATER

[bunniefuu]

- Hello, Kenneth.
- Where were you guys?

- You missed my jazz brunch.
- I mean, good,

but what are you talking about?

I cook a delicious meal and
curate jazz for my guests.

[Chuckles] It is a happening.

The cats dig it the most.

It also takes me a few days
after to drop the lingo, man.

I mailed you an invitation.

Yeah. Sorry, Kenneth.

Lots of important things

have been slipping through
the cracks recently.

And also a jazz brunch.

Do we have a problem?

Okay, I think it might
be time for a purge.

We doing it?

Right. All Mails Day.

Snail mail, e-mails, voicemail...

We'll get it all done in one swoop,

and then decide who to call back.

Maya and I will take cellphones.

On snail mail, it's
Dylan. On e-mail, it's Ray.

And with ancient answering
machine, here's Jimmy Jr.

Oh, DiMeos. Is there nothing
you can't make slightly fun?

And go.

Hey, we're pre-approved
for a credit card.

Fools.

Red-light ticket, Mom.

Ooh, I look fantastic. Save that.

Ray: Delete, delete, delete, delete.

Oh, Aunt Molly d*ed.

Uncle Frank had a baby. It's a push.

Looks like we got a school letter.

Oh, school e-mail.

- It's from...
- JJ's history teacher...

- ...Mr. Powers.
- ...Mr. Powers.

[On all devices] Mr. Powers:
Hi, there. This is Mr. Powers,

JJ's history teacher.

Could you please give me a call?

I'd like to have a talk
about JJ, okay? Bye-bye!

[Answering machine beeps]

We will call him back first, oh, Lord.

Oh, Mrs. DiMeo, you look... hot.

What's the occasion?

"Call My Wife Hot" Day?

Oh, thank you, Kenneth.

I connected with that teacher.

I am dressed for my first conference

about JJ in a mainstream school.

Will it be of the "Ray needs
to skip a grade" variety

or the "Dylan lured another
raccoon into class" variety?

Only time will tell.

Those little guys beg me to come in.

Ah, yeah! Today's the day!

I say "career," you say "fair."

- Career.
- Fair.

- Career.
- I'm sorry. You only get one.

Why are you so excited
about the career fair?

Because today's the day I figure out

which career is gonna make
Ray DiMeo Ray DiMillionaire.

Well, if you're cool with
it taking several centuries,

stop by my booth.

Why are you even doing the fair, Dad?

It's not like working at the airport

is flashy or high-paying.

There are things that
matter besides money,

like passion for the work.

You don't have that, either.

No, but the commute's good.

Commute's okay.

♪ ♪

But the best part of my job

is the moment when
you introduce the child

to its new service animal,

and, in an instant, the
child knows it's safe.

Cool. How much do you make?

Do you like the idea

of helping cool brands
connect to their audience?

Let me answer your
question with a question.

How much do you make?

So, how much do you make?

I told you... I'm a
volunteer for a charity.

I make zero dollars.

You realize asking
strangers how much they make

is incredibly rude.

Okay, how much do you make?

As you were.

I'm sorry it took us
so long to get in touch.

Perhaps next time there's a message,

we can make Kenneth our
little carrier pigeon.

Huh. Perhaps we should see
what happens if you try that.

Right, to the matter at hand.

I have received some complaints

about JJ from the other students.

They're jealous.

They are... of his constant,

unpunished, insanely obvious cheating.

- What?!
- What?!

W-H... "What?!"

That's ridiculous. JJ cheating?

How? I'm on him all the time.

Do I strike you as the kind of person

who's looking for
conflict with any of you?

I mean, between liberal guilt
and good old-fashioned terror,

I look at the three of you

and just pray that if I roll on my back,

someone will rub my tummy.

- Is he a real teacher here?
- Hmm.

But I know what I saw.

JJ got a % on that test
and he did not earn it.

JJ is innocent.

If you think he didn't
deserve the grade,

make him take the test again right now.

Fine.

You really do look nice.

What is it... Your... your hair, or...

What is this?

How do you think I normally look?

[Chuckles] You know.

♪ ♪

What career are you?

It's actually more of a job...

Airport baggage handling supervisor.

Okay, have fun checking
out other careers.

I'm sure they all let
you keep unclaimed luggage

after the -day waiting period.

Oh, oh, do I have your attention now?

That's right. Who wants a suitcase?

The RIMOWA, hard case,
with international stickers.

I have trained you well.

These look stupid.

Ugh, they smell awful.

[Sniffs]

Wait. Just me.

Well, I guess I dress like this now.

♪ ♪

Hello, Dolly.

That is my favorite piece.

You have a very good eye.

Thank you.

So, uh, you sell jewelry?

Well [chuckles] what we really sell here

at Kingsley & Kate is a lifestyle.

We are a multi-level marketing company

that lets anyone... Even
young people like you...

Become sales ambassadors.

Here's how it works.

Cool diagram. It looks like a pyramid.

I don't see it.

Yasmin.

Ray.

So, Yasmin, let me ask
you one final question.

How much do you make?

Jewelry is considered the
strongest industry ever,

and with our dynamic sales approach,

a Kingsley & Kate ambassador

can literally make an infinite salary.

Whoa.

I got a bunch of bags of dried pineapple

and picture of some kid.

Sweet haul, Nadia.

I want to be a baggage handler.

Ray, are you in this
throng of adoring teens?

You seeing this triumph?

♪ ♪

How can I be upset at
someone so gorgeous?

Your top's ratchet. Where's it from?

Career fair suitcase.

We don't know what that
is, but we like you.

Of course you do. I'm awesome.

Hey.

Your fries are ratchet.

Okay, you have minutes.

Oh, hang on.

To eliminate all
possibility of cheating...

Attention, please!

All other students leave the room now.

- Go ahead.
- Okay.

"What decorated veteran
was the first general-inhief

of the Union army?"

"C"? Are you sure?

"B"?

"A"?

All right, well, your
wish is my command.

- Okay, next question.
- Mm-hmm.

"D"? Okay.

Writing "D" unless, maybe...

Oi! Jazz brunch.

[Whispering] Maya, shh.

JJ's taking a test.

No, you're taking the test!

You are giving him
all the bloody answers.

- Me?!
- Yeah, you.

[Imitating Kenneth] "A"? You
sure it's not "B"? 'Cause it's "B".

[Normal voice] And you are cheating.

You're cheating off me? That's awful.

It's also a bit flattering.

No one's ever cheated off me before.

I wasn't much of a student
in high school, so...

I don't know her very well,

but I don't think she cares about this.

We owe you a tremendous apology.

I-I-I don't how you're not gloating.

You must be a very good person.

I am a Buddhist. We can talk later.

Maya: You wanted to be challenged,

you wanted to be
put in a mainstream school,

and now you're wasting it.

No, this ends now. Let's go.

♪ ♪

Kenneth: So, basically,
I took that test.

- You said it was a %?
- Now.

My son cheating.

Did you do all his bloody
homework for him, as well?

No! I have nothing to
do with the homework.

The stuff I learned is just
from listening in class.

Hmm. Imagine if I actually
did do the homework.

You're a smart kid, JJ.
It's time to apply yourself.

Okay, let's take a look
at your homework log.

Put in your password.

Do you not know the password?

When was the last time you logged in?

You don't do any of
your homework at all?

Well, you're back here on
the computer all the time.

Doing what?

Right, I am checking
your search history.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't
check a man's search history.

Oh, JJ, I'm sorry. I
led us down this road.

"Emma Watson," "Emma Watson hot,"

"Emma Watson
wheelchair-user boyfriend?"

It's a beautiful thing... Hope.

So, clearly, you're not doing any work

and your teachers are letting you slide.

How does that make you feel?

"I didn't ask them.

They cut me s-slack.

Why say no?"

Because it's wrong. Because
you are better than that.

God, I've never been so horrified.

Horrified at the price of
today's designer jewelry?

I am, too.

Yeah, whatever this is, I'm gonna pass.

Look, your ensemble is fantastic.

I just... I feel like
there's one piece missing

- to make it all pop.
- Really?

Have you heard of Kingsley & Kate?

Oh, that awful jewelry company?

[Laughing] That stuff is hideous.

I was asking her! Ugh!

So, Mom, say, I was thinking about

our conversation about Kingsley & Kate.

Did you know that
they hire top designers

to handcraft styles for any occasion?

No.

Ray!

Say, would you like to continue

this conversation in the backyard?

What have you done?

I became a brand ambassador.

You became a sucker in a pyramid scheme.

God, those are really ugly, aren't they?

- How much have you sold?
- None.

Nobody appreciates fine
jewelry in this Podunk town.

I'm screwed.

[Sighs] So I guess we're
gonna have to buy this crap

and bail you out.

How much you on the hook for?

bucks.

We don't have that kind
of money lying around.

Oh, Jimmy, you're gonna
have to become a gigolo.

I'm worried that'd be
almost too lucrative.

Hey, Shelby, glad you're feeling better.

So, who's trying to dress like us?

Look, I-I don't know who you are.

I don't even know who they are.

They think that I'm gonna ask. I ain't.

But I can assure you, this

isn't a look I'm trying to copy.

Wait up, you guys!

Good afternoon. Your attention, please.

We have bombarded your safe place

for reasons I cannot truly justify

other than the fact I love
the element of surprise.

Now, you know my son JJ.

You've all been very
generous with his grades.

Too generous.

You're giving him
marks he has not earned.

- That's ridiculous!
- No.

Oh, come on. We're all guilty.

Yes, it's easier to let him slide,

but to do so would be to rob JJ

of the chance to realize
his true potential.

- You suck.
- Oh, I suck?

Whoever said that sucks.

JJ does not want preferential treatment.

Do you, JJ?

"Starting next year."

No, now. Ignore that.

So just to be clear,
we shouldn't give him

the answers to the
questions before the test?

No, of course not.

It's okay he ain't take the test?

Don't you teach English here?

Not in no lounge.

Well, if he ain't take the test,

he fails the test, all right?

How is this okay?

In fairness, he's a great kid,
and he's clearly very bright,

but, I mean, he deals with a lot.

I certainly don't
want to give him a "D".

"You think I'd get a 'D'?"

Why would he get a "D"?

"If I tried, I wouldn't get a 'D'."

Finally, bit of pride.

"I'll ace the next test. You'll see."

[Chuckles] That's right, JJ.

You're gonna do great, man.

You're going to do well.

♪ ♪

Ray: Who are all these people?

Jimmy: This is your trunk show.

I can't sell this crap to my friends.

They'd never want to see me again.

That's okay with this crowd.

This is my "I don't need to
see you again" list.

That's excellent.

There's the guy from jury duty

who I was supposed to have coffee with.

Our former mailman.

Drunk guy from the airplane

who I became Facebook friends with.

'Sup, Frank?

I just called him by the wrong name.

I should be embarrassed. I feel nothing.

Let's do this.

Yes! He's k*lling it.

Hey, what are you doing? Aren't
you supposed to be studying?

Yeah, watch.

Okay, JJ, a crazed fan
has kidnapped Emma Watson.

He will only free her

if you can name the first five states...

In order... To secede from the Union.

Go!

Blam!

Blips!

Plow!

Unh!

Yeah!

Dude's crushing it.

Well done, sweetheart.

By the way, did you notice

that I didn't even
have to check the book

to see if he was right?

Just jealous.

Giovanni, my former landlord.

Love the Christmas
cards... Keep them coming.

Hey, guy!

Al, it has been too
long since we were stuck

in an elevator during that earthquake.

Good to see you.

- Doug?
- Hey, Jimmy.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no. You're Cool Doug.

I meant to invite Bummer Doug.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, you don't belong
here. I'll call you.

[Bell rings]

Hello, everyone. Thank
you all for coming.

I'd like to offer you
a special opportunity

to buy some fine jewelry

inspired by the runways of Paris.

I'm not here to buy
jewelry. I'm here to party.

Jimmy, you got any snacks?

Here's a loaf of bread.

Like I was saying, inspired
by the runways of Paris.

Okay. Let's get real here for a sec.

You're all of a sudden too good
for my son's jewelry? Nuh-uh.

You came to a party hosted by a guy

you haven't seen in years
on three hours' notice.

You're bored.

Don't buy this jewelry
because you like it,

buy it because it's something to do.

I see you thinking about it,
Dylan's old karate teacher.

Yeah!

Okay, now it's a party.

Got any drinks?

I have one beer. Take
a sip, pass it around.

We sold everything, Dad.

That's, like, the most amazing thing

you've ever done in your life.

Aww, you are the king of
undercutting a compliment.

You gonna pay back Yasmin?

Even better. I ordered more jewelry.

- What?
- Twice as much.

Twice as much jewelry
means twice as much of this.

Who are you?

[Sniffs] Smells like your body wash.

Have you been rolling around in this?

Mnh-mnh.

It's over. We're done.

Why? Why walk away from the
one thing you're good at?

- I'm sorry?
- You said it.

You don't like your job and
you don't make good money.

Yeah, stop caring so much about money.

You could stand to
care about it more, Dad.

There's nothing wrong
with a little drive.

Enough. You're grounded for two weeks.

But I don't... I don't go anywhere.

Fine. Then two weeks of partying.

Just get out.

Have a great day, darling.

Ooh, your sweater's on backwards.

Who cares? It'll look bad either way.

♪ ♪

Come on, Ray. Don't
leave a mother hanging.

Mwah.

And you.

Today is the day that
you prove to the world

you can do anything
you set your mind to.

It's just the beginning.

You're gonna get great grades,

you're gonna go to a great college,

you're gonna have a great job,

and you're gonna have a great life...

that you earned yourself.

Okay, and it all begins
with you crushing this exam.

Okay?

♪ ♪

[Engine starts]

Dude! Let's go... your test.

And once that's done with,

we're gonna work on your hiding skills.

"Do you think I'll do well?"

Yeah, man, you're...
you're gonna k*ll it.

"I know your tells, remember?"

Right.

"What if I'm dumb?"

Whoa, whoa, JJ, fine, okay.

Maybe I don't know if you're
gonna k*ll this test,

but I'm with you all the time.

I'm in your head.

Dude, you're not dumb.

Let's go do this.

You know what? There is one
thing you are dumb about...

Clearing your search history.

Come on, man!

Erase that cache.

Let's go.

Hey, Dylan! Check it out!

Whoo!

For Pete's sake.

Listen up, everyone!

Yes, I wore my sweater
backwards, but it was a mistake,

and I pull it off, but
that doesn't make it cool.

So, then, what is cool, Dylan?

I don't know. I don't think about that.

That's what makes me cool.

That's the lesson... Don't worry about

what other people think
and you'll be cool.

Can I get a teacher to back me up?

Even you, Mr. Powers?

Okay, you.

Tell me something you've
always wanted to wear.

I want to wear sandals all
year, even in the winter.

Okay.

You see, that's really weird,

but who cares what I think, right?

That's the whole point.

What... What about you?

- I always wanted to wear a beret.
- Okay.

Another really bad
example, but you do you.

- Who else?
- Baseball pants for normal pants.

- Fanny packs.
- Girl: A duster.

A yarmulke. Why should only
Jewish kids get to wear them?

- Wigs!
- Real fur!

Okay.

I thought being... Being
yourself was the answer,

but apparently that's
only true if you're me.

New plan... From now on,
I decide what you wear.

We all wear blue tomorrow. Got it?

Sorry. Would, like, an aqua shade...

Blue. We'll just...

Okay, class, you may begin.

[Exhales sharply]

[Sighs]

Mr. Powers, um, there's an extra test.

Seems a little, you know,
silly just to waste it here.

Don't mind me.

Ray: Why are we here?

Did you change your mind
about selling more jewelry?

I'm got some creative ideas

on how we could up-sell to single moms.

You see that building?
Those windows? That's me.

This other guy wanted them to be

about inches wider... Wrong.

Those windows are perfect.

I'm sorry. Y-You designed a building?

I was studying architecture,

and I was interning at this big firm,

then, you know, your
mom and I had a baby,

and I needed insurance now,
something solid now,

not something great later.

So, you know, family b*at windows,

but at least the ones I did...

are perfect.

I think they'd be better wider.

[Scoffs]

Look, I understand drive.

I've got plenty.

That's just... not where
it's pointed anymore.

I get that. I... I think it's
better to make some money.

I-I want options.

[Laughing] You're . You're all options.

For JJ, later.

Do I help? Is... Is there a plan?

I want to be ready.

You worry about that stuff?

Yeah, I just wanted to
talk about my windows.

Still not sure why you wanted
to take the test, Kenneth, but...

Mine doesn't matter. [Chuckles]

But you're probably curious what I got.

%. Well, how do you feel?

"It's not a %, but it's mine."

Yeah, you see what you
can do all my yourself?

I'm so proud of you, darling.

See, I told you.

All right, I'm gonna
see you two at home.

Kenneth, I know you're dying

to tell someone your score, aren't you?

Yeah, I kind of am.

Yeah. Cheers.

♪ ♪

Hey, is JJ here?

[Door closes]

Hey, Maya?

- Yes, my darling.
- We should talk.

Ray asked me some questions,
and I didn't know the answers.

Was it trivia? Ugh,
Ray, I've told you...

Don't make your dad feel stupid.

It's all right, darling. It's over now.

It's about JJ.

Down the line, what
his life will look like,

what he'll need after us.

A-Are we doing this?

Finally, I want to talk about this, too.

Bloody hell.

I thought you were just
taking him to see the windows.

Well, you did it, bud.

First step, big things to follow.

Sky's the limit.

"I'd like to go in myself."

Oh.

Mr. Independence.

Doors are flying open already.

Can he drive, go to college,
maybe start a family of his own?

Ray: And once you guys are
gone, whatever he wants to do,

who's gonna help him?

[Exhales] Uh, where's JJ gonna live?

What kind of help will he need?

We don't know.

Will you two be a part of it? I hope so.

Maya: I mean, realistically,

is your brother ever gonna
be able to live on his own?

Probably not.

Hey. [Chuckles] How'd you get here?

"We need to talk."

Of course.

Come in.

I got a %.

So, who was right?

All of you, who couldn't
just give the kid a sh*t?

Or the one person who
looked in his heart

and said, "Let's shred"?

Oh, that's good. That's so good.

Uh... he handed the boy his test score.

A lone tear slid down young HJ's face.

A phrase fought its
way to the boy's lips.

He summoned his strength
and uttered his first words.

Math Teacher: Your script sucks!

Damn it, Greg! Where are you?!