02x04 - T-R-- TRAINING D-A-- DAY

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, Dad. You wanted to have a talk?

I did.

Uh, I-I've put it off
long enough. It's time.

Uh, uh, uh, you seem to be

getting closer with your girlfriend,

and when that is so,

certain bodily... initiatives

are engaged... uh,

and, uh, uh, you may find yourself

wanting to have...

Italian ice! Sound good?

Okay, Ray.

Look.

Everyone...

ripens at their own pace.

I mean, when I was your
age, I certainly wasn't...

Ah, maybe I could have. I
don't know. It's hard to say.

Actually, there was this
one party where this chick

Lana DeLagala was giving me these vibes.

I had just gotten this suede jacket.

It was really cool.
I smelled like a book.

You know what? That... Forget that.

Back to our talk.

- Ooh!
- [Tires screech]

A baby panda at the zoo?!

We should give this guy a ride.

♪

Man: This is me.

[Brakes squeal]

Thanks for the lift.

You sure you have to go?

- [Door closes]
- [Sighs]

Screw it. Ray, we're having the talk.

All right.

And I want you to know

that if you have any other
questions, you can come to me.

Dad. Wow.

Taylor and I are so far from that.

But the fact that you
thought I needed the talk

is a huge, huge honor.

I have a lot of follow-up questions.

Sure. You can ask them on the way back.

What's Spanish for "U-turn"?

Hey. Look at you. Up for parole already.

I found a bunch of scrubs
on the school payroll

who can act as aides to the new

special-needs students
starting this week.

And today, Kenneth and I
are going to train them.

Oh. Dr. Miller wanted you to do that?

- We'll find out.
- Ahh.

Father, this is for you.

Is this a pen? Why?

I am a man now.

You made that very clear yesterday.

So I wanted to give you a
token from one man to another.

♪

Why does Ray think he's a man now?

Ah, prepare to be impressed.

I took some initiative and I
gave Ray "the talk" yesterday.

I wasn't sure how I'd be at it at first,

but once I got going, it really...

clicked... clicked. Ah, it's a twister.

So that was the first
time you did that, was it?

Meaning, you gave Ray the
talk before his older brother.

Don't we always say, whatever
the other kids get, JJ gets?

Yes, but Ray's got a
girlfriend right now.

You know, it felt like the
time for a father-son moment.

But JJ deserves father-son moments.

Just 'cause we're living
in an upside-down world

where Ray has a girlfriend
doesn't change that.

Of course it doesn't.

And I know exactly how to fix this.

And until you do...
pen goes in the hair.

Aw!

[School bell rings,
indistinct conversations]

O-Okay. What's this, weirdo?

That brand-new kid up
there? He's so jealous of me.

You? What's he jealous of?

The whole package, I assume.

Just wish his jealousy didn't make him

pull elaborate mind games to t*rture me.

Ohh. [Scoffs] He's picking on you.

Okay, you just believed
Mom when she told you

everyone who picks on you is jealous.

Look. I'll take care of this kid.

[Loudly] No! I don't need your
help! You're my little sister!

[Whispering ] Thank you.

♪

Aah! Bats! Bats!

Brandon, I'm Ray's little...

Ray, buddy, don't open your backpack.

You don't tell me what to do.

[Gasps]

Aah! More bats!

- [Laughs]
- How'd you even do that?

I thought I knew a thing
or two about messing with Ray,

- but this is next-level.
- Thanks.

Plus I fed the pigeons a ton
of corn so they'd make a mess,

which is great since Ray...

Both: Hates bird poop!

- I'm Dylan.
- Brandon.

Great. Now you're
jealous of me together.

Good morning. Thank
you all for being here.

My name is Maya DiMeo,

and you know your old colleague Kenneth.

Maya, can I move away from this board?

You may erase the arrow pointing at you.

So we'll be preparing to work
with some wonderful children

with a variety of different needs.

One is visually impaired,
one has cerebral palsy.

Woot! Woot! C.P. in the house!

- One has autism.
- [Sighs]

One has nine heads.

One was the original
drummer in The Beatles.

Give me that.

[Gasps] This is dirty.

As a rough guide, I've provided copies

of my own son's care manual,
which I trust you've read.

Any questions? Yes.

If this is a new job, do we
get all new vacation days?

Oh, you got big plans, White Shaq?

George and Amal expecting
you in Lake Como?

I don't have an answer for that, sir.

Yes?

Them kids. Is they contagious?

No, they is not contagious!
How did you ever teach English?!

I am offering you a chance to matter,

instead of half-assing your
way through your whole lives.

Is any of you int... Ugh!

Are any of you interested at all?

They are useless!

Why can't you fire them
and hire qualified aides?

Different reasons.

Uh, the librarian is tenured,

the crossing guard is a descendant

of the Lafayette the
school is named for...

The woman who picked her nose and
flung it at Kenneth is a Lafayette?

A lot of inbreeding in that family.

Well, they all have to go.

Yeah. I'm not leaving this
room until you fire them.

Then I will leave this
room and hide from you.

Wait. What if they quit?

- Hmm.
- If they quit...

that means that you
don't have to fire them,

which means we can replace them, yes?

- I suppose that's true.
- Well, then, I'll make them quit.

- [Door slams]
- And stay out.

Nice little surprise, right?

Here we are.

Huh? Father, son, and Mother...

Nature.

You know, as long as we're
here, it just occurred to me.

How would you like to have... the talk?

- [Beep, ethereal music plays]
- Ahh.

The human body is a
miraculous thing...

capable of incredible...

"You don't have to do this.

I know about S-E-X."

[Music stops]

You win again, Internet.

But just let me know if you
ever want to talk about anything.

All right? I'm your dad.
That's what I'm here for.

"There is something."

Bring it on.

"Will I get to...

have a W-I... wife?

Be a dad?"

Uh. "Take care of a F-A... family?"

Yeah. 'Course!

Yeah, you can do anything
you set your mind to.

My answer to that is
a... Is a good old...

[a la The Three Stooges] Soitenly!

It is : . I told you to
be here at : p.m. sharp!

We were all here waiting for you.

What'd you call me?

You call me a "ewe"? That is a baby cow!

I think a baby cow is a calf.

Ah, well, lookee here.

We got ourselves a
real baby-animal expert.

I'm gonna call you Petting Zoo.

You make me sick! Can't believe
any of you want to be aides.

We don't want to be aides.

We do want to keep getting our checks.

Pick it up!

In fact, all of you on the ground.

And while you're down there,
give me jumping jacks.

On the ground? I think
you mean push-ups.

Ohh. We got ourselves
a real exercise expert.

I'm gonna call you Jack LaLanne.

But I'm Petting Zoo.

Maya. [Chuckles]

What does this have to
do with being an aide?

Oh, no, no, no. Nothing. I
want to get these losers to quit

so we can hire a bunch of
competent people to replace them.

Well, you didn't even
give them a chance!

They can't take care of these kids.

You got to be special
to do this job, Kenneth.

Well, you didn't think I was very
special when I first showed up.

Seeing as how far we've come,
haven't you learned anything?

No.

If this is the game you're
playing, you can play it alone.

Well, hoo-wee! One loser gone already!

Aah! [Screams]

Aah!

Wow. You were right.

Duct tape is just as fun as birds.

What is going on?!

Hon, will you give us a minute?

You brought him into our house?!

Yeah! Nowhere's safe now.

We've had our fun, you and I,

but Brandon just takes
it to a different level.

Did you at least figure out
what his problem with me is?

He hates band kids.

I'm not in band!

I know. Isn't he irrational?

I think I might love him.

What?!

Oh, look at that. Perfect.

This is gonna make a
perfect s'more, right?

S-O-I-T... "Soitenly."

Hey, we should go for a walk

and get some more marshmallow sticks.

"Let me do it."

Uh, you want to go out alone, you think?

I mean, you could get
lost or... or stuck...

"You said I could do anything.

If I can have a family,
I can get some sticks."

You know what? You're right.

You go get some sticks. And I... Okay.

I will sit here and not worry about

where you are or how you are...

or bears.

Okay, worms, your first task today...

Take this hat and put it
in that window up there.

Is this to show us that the
kids overcome challenges,

so we need to overcome things

- that seem impossible?
- Sure.

So, you want us to, like,
climb on top of each other?

Somebody's gonna get k*lled.

- Oh, are you out? You're quitting?
- No.

Do it now, 'cause the other
things aren't any easier.

So we're gonna make a human ladder.

Which one of you is gonna be the base?

What's the point of us
doing your housekeeping?

Oh, well, if you want it all to stop,

you know the magic words... "I Quit."

What's the matter? Never
folded a fitted sheet before?

[Weakly] It's hard
because of the elastic.

Life's hard because of the elastic!

Right. Did you all bring your
toothbrushes like I instructed?

Switch with your neighbor.

And start brushing.

Eww! Stop it! You
were just gonna do it?!

What's the matter with you people?!

Why aren't you quitting?

'Cause it's gonna be worth it.

What? Who told you that?

Kenneth. He told us not to give up.

You are kidding me.

He also asked we ain't tell her that.

Congratulations. You
won this round. Go home.

Ooh! You know what could be fun?

If we wrapped him up and put
him in a present at Christmas.

You still think we'll be
bullying Ray at Christmas?

[Door opens]

I'm really happy.

Me too.

Kenneth, I assume you know why I'm here.

Well, I won't say I'm not flattered.

But I respect Jimmy too much.

Good night.

You're ruining my plan. Why'd
you tell those losers not to quit?

What'd you even say to them anyway?

That you're an enormous pain in the
ass and that they shouldn't let you win.

Excuse me!

I am a joy in the ass!

I need people who care about the kids.

Well, they might care. They're
sticking it out with you.

No! They're just doing the bare minimum

to protect their cushy jobs.

What happens when my back is turned?

I don't even want to know.

Stop sabotaging me sabotaging them!

You know what? [Chuckles]

On second thought, it's
not like Jimmy's my brother.

Come on in.

Jimmy: Nice s'more sticks.

Hmm. Too obvious.

Enh.

♪

Come on, buddy. Right over here.

♪

♪

Ca-caw!

♪

Hey! JJ.

I was just following this
beautiful bird. Did you hear it?

It sounded like "Ca-caw"!

I'm sorry. I just wanted you to be safe.

There was that steep hill,

and I know you get nervous
about flipping. I...

"This is D-dumb. Let's just go home."

I am never getting my pen back.

We don't stop until we get this.

- Yeah!
- This is important.

For the reason what
the England lady said.

Bloody hell. They do care.

Looking good, guys! We can do this!

Yeah, let's keep talking, 'cause
you're getting so much lighter.

Okay. Just hang for a sec.
We'll be on the road soon.

Whoa! What was that?

[Pounding on door]

JJ! Are you out there?

- [Beeping]
- Okay.

Look. This is gonna be fine. I, uh...

- Ohh... crap.
- [Phone beeps]

All right. I don't have any service.

Um, we'll just hang tight

and wait for somebody to
come by and help, okay?

J... JJ?

JJ?!

JJ, stay put. It's not safe.

JJ!

This is my worst sex talk ever.

[Animal howls in distance]

[JJ breathing sharply]

[Grunts]

I-I don't know how this works.

[Motor whines]

[Motor whirs]

All right, Jimmy. This is the big one.

Y-a-a-ah! Ohh!

Ow! It's not the big one.

Look. I hate that you think
I'm a giant pain in the ass.

But I was wrong about those people.

They do care.

And I need your help getting them ready.

'Cause there's nobody
better to teach them.

Well, okay.

But on one condition.

I'm the one that gets
to hold the whistle now.

I didn't have a whistle.

Okay, well, then, I have no conditions.

Now we're going to practice
chair-to-chair transfers.

[Theme from "Stripes" plays]

- Kenneth: Aah!
- [Thud]

Did she say chair-to-floor?!

♪

[Whistle blows]

♪

Now, another thing you need to know

about dealing with disabled people...

Excuse me. Aren't we supposed to say

"people with disabilities"?

You're damn right you are!

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Shouting happily]

♪

Ranger: Oh!

Dude. That was awesome.

"Let's... go... rescue...

my... dad."

Ray! Think quick!

Why?!

Now!

Brandon! You were
supposed to pull him in.

I'm sorry, Dylan.

It's just not that exciting anymore.

He wasn't even annoying today.

He's been kind of... cool.

Thank you! Smart is sexy!

Dylan: He just called himself sexy.

Brandon. F-Fart on
him. You're scaring me.

This all just went too fast.

I think... I want to bully other people.

♪

- [Beeping]
- JJ?!

Ranger: I'm getting you out of there!

JJ? Nope. That doesn't make any sense.

Your son came and got me.

He did?

You went all the way
to the ranger station?

Rode through the night,
by yourself, to get help?

I can't believe you did that.

Class, it's been a long journey.

We've all learned a lot, especially me.

But now, finally, it is time for you

to leave these hallowed halls

to return...

to these halls... to work.

Dr. Miller: Hmm.

Let's meet your students!

[Applause]

Congratulations. You trained them.

Any chance you can work
your magic on a dog?

No.

Oh, look. They're doing great.

We found the right
student for each of them.

This isn't the kind of
book I usually read,

but we don't know each
other that well... yet.

She speaks sign language.

Ohh.

_

_

_

Oh, my God! You're a Hufflepuff, too?!

That's crazy! We're the same person!

You know, Kenneth was right about you.

What? That I'm a giant pain in the ass?

- No, he never said that.
- What did he say?

He said you were tough,

but you're the best
mother he'd ever met...

and if these kids' moms are like you,

we'll love this job.

Kenneth: Hi.

And what are you two
ladies talking about?

- Just your dumb face.
- Yeah, bugger off, stupid.

Okay. Geez.

So...

About our talk earlier.

[Sighs] I always want to tell you

that you can do anything
you set your mind to.

But there are some things you can't do.

And that's okay. There are
some things I can't do.

I-I can't wink for some reason.

See? It's... It's this.

I know. Your challenges are
different than... winking.

And when I think about
what it would take

for you to be a dad...

take care of a family...

it's tricky to see.

But it was also hard to imagine

you going to a mainstream school

or spending a whole summer at camp.

And I certainly could never imagine

you doing what you did today.

I don't know what the future holds,

but I do know...

you are extraordinary, son.

And even if you don't do

everything you put your mind to,

you've come pretty damn close so far.

Can you have a family?

I am going to change my answer

from a patronizing...

"Yeah, definitely!"...

to a very sincere...

"maybe."

"Thank you for being
H-O... Honest with me."

Oh.

We got to get back.

We should relieve ourselves
before we hit the road.

"Aren't you afraid of
the O-U... outhouse?"

Pfft! Outhouse? We're
two men in the woods!

How much did you have to drink?

♪

All right. Where is he?

What are you doing?

You and Brandon drove me crazy.

But since you parted ways,

you haven't done a
single mean thing to me.

I want my sister back.

And if Brandon's tired of bullying me,

then I guess it's time
to spice things up.

I'm a band kid now.

That's really sweet, Ray. But I don't...

[Flute playing off-key]

There he is.

- Aah! Aah!
- [Laughs]

You are bullying in front

of the "no bullying" poster, you load!

You're gonna catch
your own bird this time.

Mm-hmm. Gosh!

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Look. Thanks for caring.
You are a good brother, Ray.

And I'm sure I'll be ready to
bully you again, eventually.

Can't phrase it any better than
one Sarah McLachlan, who said...

Yeah, I'm ready.

- Thanks, Ray!
- Good to have you back!