02x10 - S-I--SILENT N-I-- NIGHT

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪

♪

Maya, no. I'm tired.

♪

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

I don't care if you're
tired! I will not be rejected!

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

I'm every bit as surprised
by this as you guys!

Ahhh...

[HISSES]

Hey! He learned to come.

Who's a good boy?

You know I hate snakes.

They're right there on
the "Dead to Me" wall...

Amphibians.

Snakes aren't amphibians.

"Know-it-alls". Get rid of it.

Come on. It's Christmas,
and Christmas is about

meeting each other in the middle.

It's just not.

I'll give the snake away today,
but this Christmas I want a dog.

[GASPS] Ooh, a dog.

I've always wanted a dog. No
one ever lets me get a dog.

Don't let her play you like this.

She's just changing the subject.

- Please.
- Please.

This is really what we're
doing at : a.m....

- A puppy referendum?
- It's a puppy now?

We have talked about this...
The responsibility, the expense.

How about this? You
don't get us any presents.

None.

I want P-R... "presents".

Well, you are a B-U... "buzzkill".

"I just started F-I... Film class.

I want a c... camera. Can I?"

You're off-topic. Dad was
just asking us for a dog.

A dog.

RAY: Guys, I want a dog too,

but according to our
lease, we're not allowed.

- You read the lease?
- I like to read.

We have like four books. I make due.

We really can't have a dog?

Well, now I want one.

Wait a second. There is one loophole.

We can get a service dog.

[GASPS]

BOTH: We're gonna get a dog!

"You mean I could get a service dog?"

Well, this is not a question
I expected to be asking

when I was woken up by
a snake four minutes ago,

but here goes... JJ,
can we get a service dog?

Come on, JJ. It will be gi-g*n-dous.

Yeah, listen to your sister.

She only ever says "gi-g*n-dous"

when it's really
important... and in Scrabble.

"No."

Yeah, no, the "yes" is right there.

Point there. Point there.

"I don't need one.
There are people who do.

It's my call. No."

You are full of integrity, JJ.

It's a shame I no longer love you.

Hey, Kenneth, how was your weekend?

- Terrible.
- Cool.

You know I moonlight
at that grocery store?

These customers are driving me
crazy with this turkey giveaway!

- Giveaway?
- Yeah.

It's this program
where if you spend $

then you get a free turkey,
but these cheapskates

are scrounging other people's
receipts to game the system.

So, you don't even have to
prove that it's your purchase?

Yeah, I see where somebody
can take advantage of that.

Today, I saw this dirtbag walk out
of there with eight turkeys.

So, it's not just one turkey?
It's unlimited turkeys?

Ah, so, um, what time
are you guys open until?

No.

What is more important... My
friendship, or free turkey?

You said it was unlimited turkeys.

MELANIE: Okay, cookie-tasters...
Batch number three.

Hmm.

Boy, Taylor, if that
apron did not say "Mom",

I would think your sister
is great at baking cookies.

I know what you're
doing... and I love it.

Now, tell me with a straight face

that I still look like
I'm in high school.

- Are you not?
- Love him.

Should I leave you two alone?

Don't tempt me. I will be all over...

Now that's too far. Too, too far.

Okay, so let's talk
about Christmas week.

I was thinking I could come to you

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Whoa. Before you keep making plans,

I feel like it's time
I met Ray's parents.

Why?!

I mean, they're just regular parents.

They read leases and... stuff.

Well, Taylor's been spending
a lot of time in their home,

and I'd like to get a
sense of what they're like.

Come on, Mom. Don't be
like that. They're great.

Taylor, if that's what she needs to do

to feel comfortable,
then I'll set it up.

I mean, I don't know why your sister

wants to meet your boyfriend's mom...

- Just set it up.
- Yes, ma'am.

JJ, you still don't want
a service dog, right?

Even if he's a good,
little boy with a vest,

and a clicker that when you click,

he comes from the next
room like it was magic.

Maya.

"No. I'm crazy." I added that last part.

Right, I just wanted to
make sure 'cause you got one.

There's a waiting list, and
I guess somebody dropped out,

so they came to you.

They were very moved by your... essay?

"My name is JJ DiMeo.

I am a teenage boy with
cerebral palsy"... spelled wrong.

"It is my dream to have a companion"...

Spelled wrong. "It would be"...

Oh, this is spelled
correctly... "gi-g*n-dous".

♪

Hi, JJ.

"E-X... explain this."

Oh, no. Okay, in my defense,

this was supposed to take
years to come through.

I was going to tell you.

"You I-G... ignored what
I wanted. And you used me.

Big mistake. G-I... gi-g*n-dous mistake."

JJ, please don't be mad at me.

You're never mad at me.

I don't even know what
that would be like.

"Get ready to find out".

♪

You spelled "dog" wrong.

♪

What the...

I thought you were better than this!

You did? Why?

I specifically asked you not to do this.

I hope you had fun!

I have started to have fun, yes.

The promotion is meant
for paying customers.

If I see you at my store,

I will not hesitate to
confiscate your receipts.

You keep making this fun for me!

Mm-hmm. Fine. Have it your way.

I'll see you at the dumpsters...

where you did not realize
we throw out the receipts.

I'm very bad at this!

Mom, you know how
crazy I am about Taylor.

I want you to meet her mom,
and I want it to go well.

I need "Charming Maya",
not "Combative Maya".

When in the history of this
entire family have I ever been...

[CHUCKLES] I'm only joking, darling.

No, I'll be fine. I'll be good.

She likes it when you
tell her she looks young.

Oh, no. You're not "You look
like sisters" guy, are you?

No. That guy? Ew, no one likes that guy.

You're both special-needs
moms. She even made you cookies.

- [CRUNCHES]
- They are delicious.

I shall take a meeting with the
woman who made these cookies.

I'll go tell Taylor.

"Happiest of holidays from the home

of John Merriman and Melanie Hertzal."

[SPITS OUT COOKIE] What did you say?

"Melanie Hertzal." Where
do I know that name from?

I'll tell you where
you know that name from.

That woman is dead to me.

Awk-waaard.

More awk-waaard.

Of all the people to be
Taylor's mom, Melanie Hertzal!

Ugh, she did such a bad thing...

You don't have to pretend to remember.

Look, ten years ago, there
was an opening at a school

that would have been perfect for JJ,

and the spot was as good as his.

Then I met Melanie Hertzal
at a special-needs mom event.

She told me the application
deadline had been moved.

She lied, we missed it,
and her kid got the spot.

Stop eating the bloody cookies!

I was eating them out of anger.

Well, do you think you can sit down

with this woman and be civil?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I thought you'd like that one.

There's no good version
of me meeting her.

You know what might help?

I don't want to get free turkeys.

[SIGHS]

Look. I know you're upset
with me, and I respect that.

I'll give you the time and
space you need to forgive me.

I'm sorry, JJ! I'm so sorry!

I'm staying here until you forgive me.

[GROANS]

I... I just wanted a dog.

Explain to me why what
I did was so wrong.

"You don't even understand
what it's like to be me."

No, I don't understand.

But I'm going to.

I'll speak how you speak... No words.

"That's stupid. I want
to be U-N... understood.

That will never work."

Well, we're going to
find out, starting...

Hm, seems unlikely, but
a Dylan who can't speak

is a Dylan who can't
criticize my fashion choices.

♪

♪

She take a vow of silence or something?

JIMMY: Nice receipt. Come to Papa.

Gotcha. And I found you a friend.

♪

♪

♪

Mmm. Turkey.

You win. No receipts for me.

[COUGHS]

♪

KENNETH: Attention shoppers. The
store closes in five minutes.

- Yeah, plenty of time.
- Close lane four.

♪

Attention shoppers. The store
will close in one minute.

The store's tricky like that.

Close lane three.

♪

Close lane two!

♪

Hello? Kind of in a hurry here.

Attention, shoppers. We're now closed,

and we'll be k*lling the
lights for dramatic effect.

[LAUGHS] Good night.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Dylan, I heard you're not talking today.

I certainly hope you're
not going to bring

any of that nonsense into your
oral exam on civil disobedience.

Nevertheless, she persisted.

"A."

[SIGHS]

"A free 'A'. Yep, that's my life.

You're not learning anything.
You can't understand."

Dylan! Beth Boehm's out of school

for the third day in a
row. I think she's pregnant.

You're right. Gossip is wrong.
You're such a good person.

You want to go to Aruba
with me and my family?

♪

What are you doing?

Trying to fix the lighting
for Melanie's visit.

Did I miss it when we renamed
the house "Boom Boom Ranch"

because we sure light
it like a brothel. God.

Yeah, about tomorrow... I think
we're going to have to cancel.

I ate some bad shrimp and
I'm feeling pretty sick.

Can we not just postpone a day?

Do you think you'll be better by Sunday?

I don't know.

I may eat more of that
shrimp. It was really good.

Do you not want to meet Melanie?

Ohh, darling, alright. Look.

The truth is... I had a premonition.

And I met Melanie. And there
was this massive cyber-att*ck,

countless Hollywood
A-listers were hacked.

Emma Watson's name was
dragged through the mud.

I'm not saying it's going
to happen, but, I mean,

do you really want to take that chance?

If you don't want to meet
her, I'll figure it out.

Oh, look, it's the
hackers. They can't get in.

Well done, darling.

♪

Seriously?!

Ha, Kenneth! 'Sup?

"'Sup" is you're making the hardest part

of my year even harder. Why?

What the hell are you
gonna do with turkeys?

Nothing.

I need .

Oh, that I get.

It's my first Christmas as a boss.

Every Christmas, my dad's
boss would get turkeys

for all his employees, and
I wanted to be that guy.

But I can't afford it, so
I'm collecting receipts.

Wait, so you'd rather I
think you're a total dirtbag

than admit that you're
trying to be a good boss?

I thought you'd think it was stupid.

I get unfulfilled holiday dreams.

I've always wanted
to be an office Santa.

Not "Black Santa", just Santa.

And nobody making "ho ho ho" pimp jokes.

[CHUCKLES]

They suck.

You know what?

I can be regular Santa to
at least one little boy.

[SQUELCHES]

Not receipts?

Feels like tuna.

[SIGHS]

♪

_

_

_

_

_

[LAUGHS]

_

_

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Mrs. DiMeo.

Oh, hello, Taylor. I
didn't know you were coming.

What a nice surprise.

Well, if you like surprises of
people coming over, then, uh...

Mrs. DiMeo, I'd like you to meet...

Melanie Hertzal.

Melanie! You're here! And you've met.

This went well. Turkey for the road?

No, Dad, she just got here.

Maya, you look very familiar.

I used to be a model.

Really? When?

Let the woman have been a model.

Thanks for coming.

You should know we absolutely adore Ray.

He was so excited about
getting us together,

and we're both special-needs moms,

we gotta stick together, right?

Well, most of us do,
but some of us are weak,

and we hear about a slot
at the perfect school,

and lie about the application date.

And we take a very long
time to see where this is going.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. You broke the sacred bond,

the bond between special-needs
mom and special-needs mom/model.

You stole the spot from my son!

I did no such thing.

Well, Mom, Melanie is from Michigan.

Okay. I think we're done here.

Mom, wait!

Liar! You're dead to me! Dead!

And you look your bloody age!

[DOOR SLAMS]

So, where in Michigan?

I told you I didn't want to meet her.

Why didn't you tell me you knew her?

Because I knew you
wouldn't take my side.

You'd say I was being dramatic
and I should let it go.

You were dramatic, and
you should have let it go.

Look at that. My premonitions are good.

You know what? You're
going to go apologize.

Your premonitions... No bueno.

Please. You have to, for me.

It will be hard, but you do
hard things for someone you love.

I'm crazy about her.

What would "Model Maya" do?

♪

Ah, hey guys.

I know it's party time here,
but we just had a flight land.

I'm going to need your help
with some surprise cargo!

That's right. Turkeys.

Oh, no, I don't have
enough for everybody...

but he does.

[ALL OOHING]

Look, everyone. It's regular Santa!

Ho ho ho!

Jimmy says you've all been
good boys and girls this year.

Thanks, boss. You're the best.

Ho ho ho! Race is a social construct.

"Get me a straw."

No, JJ's looking for quiet passion.

[SCOFFS]

"Give me a straw." That's
what he wants, Kyle.

Oh, no, it's not?

[DOOR OPENS]

"Best gift ever." Yes, very generous.

But it is a closed set, dear.

So, thank you, and
whenever you're ready.

"Get me a straw."

You know what? You're going
to hold the clapper thingy.

Hello.

Ray, I'm sorry that I left
without saying goodbye.

Your mother looks like
she could be a biter.

- [CLICKS TEETH]
- You remember Mom?

Welcome to our home...

with a guard dog who will
defend me if called upon.

I don't think there's a dog.

Oh, Taylor, wait! My
mom has something to say.

♪

I owe you an apology.

You were a guest in our home,

and the way I treated
you was beyond rude,

so in the spirit of the season,
and out of respect for you,

I offer you my most sincere apology.

I hope you'll forgive me, and
that we can move past this.

Well, Ray, if you would like to return,

you're welcome back anytime.

And maybe you two can get a do-over.

I think you guys will
really like each other a lot.

And both of you could be my sisters.

Yeah, we're done with that.

But the thing is, there's still
this business about years ago.

I mean, whatever I did
back then, I did for my son,

which is something that your mother

should be able to understand.

Well, uh, for that, again, I...

Wait. Seriously? She apologized to you.

I dream of getting one of those.

Ask any of the three
drivers she rear-ends a day.

She doesn't apologize.

Well, they do usually stop short.

Nuh-unh. It's not right.

Taylor, I hope we can weather this.

I don't know how you liked
me in the first place.

I'm not the coolest
guy or the hottest guy.

You can disagree with me at any time.

But I'm not the guy who's
going to stand around

and watch his mom get dumped on.

She deserves better. Not cool.

Come on, Mom.

Hmm.

Sorry.

For what?

Nothing. It's for
free. Enjoy it, darling.

[MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]

Ow!

Ooh, I felt that one.

[GROANS] Honey, come quick.

Beethoven is ruining Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas morning.
Don't you people have families?

JJ just completed his
first film project,

and I wanted to be here
when you all saw it.

Plus, I woke up this morning

with a profound sense of loneliness,

and I needed to be
with people who love me.

[SILENCE]

So, there's a movie?

Yeah, yeah. Come on. Have a seat.

Jimmy, if you could do the lights.

_

_

YOUNG MAN: But this is how I sound to me.

Because... I... don't... think...
in... pauses... like... this.

It's not always easy
communicating the way I do.

"Get me the S-T-R... string?"

- Straw.
- Strawberries?

Straw! Are you kidding me?!

Then I come home, and you guys
get me, and you really listen,

which is why I'm so
sensitive when you don't.

But most of the time, I'm
just thankful for you,

and I can't always say
exactly what I'm thinking.

- If I could...
- Good night, my love.

Thank you. Good night, Mom. I love you.

♪

And Kenneth, for making
me a hit with the ladies.

Let's muss up this hair a little bit,

and I'm going to say it again,
"Ladies love a moustache".

Think about it.

Here. Try this.

Five more turkeys where that came from.

You kept five for yourself?

Shh.

Thanks, Dad. Dark meat's my favorite.

Oh, dark meat. I know it's your favorite.

Are those reindeer hooking up?

No, they're dancing!

Oh, wait.

DYLAN: Is this thing even on?

It is. Thanks for the camera, sis.

♪ We wish you a sexy Christmas
and a funky New Year ♪

YOUNG MAN: Still on! Thanks for this, Ray.

Look out, ladies. He's single.

I appreciate all the times
you've listened to me,

even though you couldn't hear me.

I've been listening to you, too.

[CLICK]

- Oh!
- [BARKS]

It's not a service dog,
but it is a family dog.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♪

Taylor.

I don't have your jacket, if
that's what you came here for.

No, I came to see you.

I thought your mom said
you couldn't see me anymore.

She did. And I've never
wanted to see you more.

You're the bad boy.

That's who I am! I'm the guy you
don't take home to see Mom!

It was almost too obvious.

I guess it's time to break curfew.

Ow. Ow. That kills.

Ohh! Can we break curfew tomorrow?

Bad boy needs some ice.