02x12 - The H-u-s-- Hustle

[bunniefuu]

That is why I think
I should be your choice

for our club president.

Thank you.

So, how does this work?

Is there, like, a ballot box, or...?

- Yes!
- Aaron, what the heck?!

["BORN TO BE WILD" PLAYS]

No. They wouldn't.

♪ Get your wheelchair van runnin' ♪

♪ Annual DiMeo road trip ♪

- I call vice president!
- ♪ It's getting harder to surprise you ♪

♪ So we're doing this at school ♪

Ray, I think your parents are that way.

Thanks! Say hi to them for me.

♪ Hopefully, you're more
excited than embarrassed ♪

♪ Some people think it's cool
when dads can play guitar ♪

[SCREAMING] ♪ Dylan and JJ
will have joined us by this point ♪

♪ Ray's likely runnin' away ♪

Two, three, four!

♪ Vans can move fa-a-a-ster
than people ♪

Oh, thanks again, Kenneth.

You got it all, right?

Take care of the dog,
leave a few lights on, and...

Oh.

The cabinet above the fridge...
whatever you do,

please... do not look in there.

Don't make up forbidden spaces

to make your life seem interesting.

Aw! You know me!

DiMeos. You're leaving?

But our fundraiser's starting.

You said you'd be there when I told you

we'd approved the funds
to upgrade the elevator.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Yeah, and I will be there.

Oh, wonderful!

Wait. Are you lying again for sport?

TBD, darling.

"Let's," H-I... "hit the road, baby!"

I don't want to go to a fundraiser

and make small talk with strangers.

I'm invisible, and no one listens to me.

Let's go to the fundraiser.

- What'd you say?
- Not important.

You know, we committed to it,

and I've committed
to doing out of things

I commit to.

Helps me win arguments
about my lack of commitment.

We'll just do a quick spin-through,

say "Thank you for the elevator,"

and then we'll be on the road in a jiff.

You'll be alright for
a few minutes, kids, won't you?

- No problem.
- Sure.

[VAN DOORS CLOSE]

Oh! Why are you throwing things at me?!

- Oh! Did Mom pack everything we own?!
- [SIGHS]

No! Those are our road-trip snacks!

You eat those now,
we'll have nothing to eat later.

Allow me to explain the concept
of delayed gratification.

Allow me to explain the concept

of eating like Cookie Monster.

Nom, nom, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom...

You're not even ingesting them!

...nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

Ooh! A ' s theme.

Where are the long lines for gas?

Oh! Too soon!

Let's do a lap and leave, shall we?

If we get trapped in a conversation

and we need help,
the code word is "Winnebago".

Don't worry. I'm not having
any conversations.

There's a nacho bar.

Have I told you
about my new nacho system,

where every bite has
the perfect distribution of...

Winnebago.

I'll get us a drink, love.

- Oh.
- Do you mind if I take it? I need it.

I'm not good
in social situations. Thanks.

Okay, see? That was rude.

Oh, no, I assure you, I'm no better.

Luckily, I'm lawless.

Got to be something to steal under here.

Alright.

Is there a famous ' s lesbian?

Because I am her for you right now.

[LAUGHS]

There he is!

Alright!

No one is paying attention to me!

I store loose change in my butt!

Hey! Why do you do that?

And why are you yelling
about it at this party?

You're back.

You're deejaying this thing?

Yeah, well, after being iced

by a certain physical therapist of JJ's,

I could use a little female attention,

and ladies love deejays.

So when they asked me,
I... [SNAPS] hustled

and got my deejay equipment out of my...

♪ Brick apartment ♪

You have fun.

I'm going to...

get the hell out of here.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I thought I was the only one
who sided with United!

- No, I get it. Get off the plane, man!
- Get off!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Shall we, honey?

- Ohh, sorry. I've got to head out.
- No! Don't go!

- Oh, no, I'll leave you the booze.
- Oh, sweet.

Although the fact
that you knew to do that

is actually why I am sad
that you're leaving. [SIGHS]

- It was so nice to meet you, Maya.
- So nice to meet you, Sarah.

- See ya.
- Bye.

Ohh! I really liked her!

Did you see how disappointed
she was when I was leaving?

Yeah, but did you see
how happy I am that we are?

- Aaah!
- Come on. Can we just stay a bit longer?

We've been at this school
for over a year,

and it's the first time
I've connected with a parent.

Plus, I'm very good at ' s dancing.

[SIGHS] Should we tell the kids?

The kids know that I'm good
at ' s dancing.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

You liked another mom? Really?

Look at you... going to fundraisers,

making connections.

Someone's becoming
part of the community.

Why do you have to find
larger themes in everything?

Look, we're still gonna go
on the road trip,

but just in a few hours.

Here... walk to something fun
and enjoy each other.

- Mini golf it is.
- "Movie."

No! Arcade, you idiots!

[KNOCK ON VAN]

You're parked in a loading zone.

Move it, or I'm gonna have you towed.

I'm gonna go tell Mom and Dad.

Just drive up feet
and find another spot.

But I don't have a license.

Neither did the Wright brothers,
and they soared.

JJ: [SIGHS]

"You don't always
have to be the bummer."

"Do it. Do it."

[CHANTING] "Do it! Do it!"

Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- No way!

You did it?! You psycho!

MAYA: Ohh!

Try these.

Ohhhhh!

And these.

JIMMY: Whatever this is is gonna suck.

- Yep.
- Oh, just try them on.

Mm! Upside.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪

Oh, I'm gonna go and find Sarah.

Cool. I can't turn yet.

- I'm back!
- [BOTH SCREAM]

- Oh, my God!
- Sorry!

Oh, don't apologize.
I love a dramatic reveal.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I love fringe.

- It's great!
- It's good for hustling.

[LAUGHS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Oh! Excuse me, big guy.

- Who is this tall drink of water?
- [CHUCKLES]

Ooh-ooh! Someone got tall.

- Yeah!
- It's nice, right?

When you're tall, it affects
the way people look at you.

They assume you're intelligent...

and entertaining.

I've never thought that about you.

Doubt me if you want, but it's true.

My question about the ' s theme is,

where's the long line for gas?

[LAUGHTER]

I'm so glad we met, Maya.

So far, the only other friends
that I've made

are other fencing-team moms.

Jake's on the fencing team?

I just remembered
another person's child's name.

My brain must really like you.

[LAUGHS]

Jake was on the fencing team,

but they canceled it
because of budget cuts.

- Oh, no!
- Yeah.

But they have enough money

to upgrade the handicapped elevator?

That's a bad thing?

Well, it just seems extreme.

Why should everyone else suffer

just because of an elevator
that only two kids use?

- Oh!
- Ooh!

- You need some napkins?
- Yeah.

Honey, making friends yet?

No, darling. Just an enemy.

Dy-no-mite!

- [DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]
- [LAUGHS] Yeah!

You're a good-looking crowd.

Let's get to know each other.

All the single ladies,
let me hear you scream!

Wait, wait. For real?

Uh... well, alright,
are there any single ladies,

or are you just not a screaming crowd?

Um, well, all the married ladies,

let me hear you scream!

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Okay, alright.

Just give me a moment while I, uh,

try to figure out why I agreed
to do this for free.

Then she complained to me... to me...

that this school does too much
for kids with disability.

I mean, know your audience.

Well, clearly she doesn't,

and you should use that
to your advantage.

And I'm going to. Did you get smarter?

Yes.

All my good thoughts are up here.

Down here is just...

TV theme songs, strong opinions
on new KFC offerings...

stuff like that.

She probably has a whole g*ng of them.

Well, I'm gonna go undercover
as a typical mom,

I'm gonna find out who they are,
and I'm gonna give them hell.

You okay?

You're normally much more happy

when hell's about to be given.

It's just...

I really liked her.

Well, I... I really like
the top of your head.

[SMOOCHES]

- [HORNS HONKING]
- DYLAN: Where are we going, Ray?

There are no parking spaces!

Oh. Those can't be functional.

[HORN BLARES]

Hey! You! Learn how to drive, Grandpa!

That's right... I am your grandpa!

Because I made love to your grandma.

And she told me she wasn't proud of you.

[ENGINE REVS]

"Ray's being bad.

I like it."

Really? You guys like the new Ray?

Excuse us for being gushy,
but this has to be said.

You are not a loser.

♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Okay, so, no single ladies screamed,

which means either
there are no single ladies

or they are here but they're shy.

So let's try this.

Married ladies...

[WOMEN SCREAM]

Let me finish!

If you're married and you know
a single lady who's here,

make some noise!

[MICROPHONE THUMPS]

No single moms?

Divorce just isn't a thing
at this school?

Okay, okay. Alright.

We're not done here.

Do the hustle.

♪ Do the hustle! ♪

DR. MILLER: Hey, foxes!

[CHUCKLING] Okay, group photo time!

Jimmy. Tall guys in the back.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I'm in the back.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

So, these are your friends?

You're the moms against renovating
the handicapped elevator?

I mean, that's not, like,
our official title.

Well, I'm with you ladies all the way.

I mean, why should our kids suffer

just to cater to some small minority?

You know, actually, I think
most of those kids are faking.

They don't need wheelchairs.
They're just bloody lazy.

I wouldn't go that far.

- I bet she's right.
- Name? Name?

We have a plan, though,
and it's going down tonight.

There's a plan? What plan?

DR. MILLER: Wow, you can dance!

Everybody, look at Maya!

- Wha...
- [CROWD "OOH" S]

Is there... Can...

[GROANS]

Foiled again by my excellent hustling!

How are you, Kenneth?

I love being tall!

I want this night to last forever.

I'm confident.
I'm connecting with people.

I-I'm never going back.

Well, I-I love having you up here,

but you belong back down there, Jimmy.

No.

It... It can't end. I won't let it.

These things are staying on!

Jim...

Jimmy!

Okay, um, uh,
let's forget the "single" thing.

Um, I'd like something
to come out of tonight.

Uh, anyone interested in
an ' Wrangler with low miles,

make some noise!

Of course.

God forbid even my car
gets some love tonight!

"School's back that way."

And so is the old me.

We're supposed to be going
on a road trip, aren't we?

Now, let's be on a road trip.

O-Okay, but pay attention to the road.

Y-Y-You can do a lot of damage
with a , -pound van.

I like the way you think.

We do have too much stuff back there.

[THE UNDERTONES' "TEENAGE KICKS" PLAYS]

♪

♪ Are teenage dreams so hard to b*at? ♪

♪ Every time she walks down the street ♪

Did you put your telescope here?

Yeah, JJ thought it'd be cool.

♪ Wish she was mine, she looks so good ♪

♪ I wanna hold her,
wanna hold her tight ♪

Okay, big finish.

♪ ...right through the night ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Yeah. That was a bad one to end on.

Oh!

So, this is the notorious elevator, eh?

- Let's ride it.
- Why?

So we can make fun of it.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, BOTH LAUGH]

[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]

Dumb elevator.

Still smell like
some guy's cologne much?

[CHUCKLES]

- [ALARM RINGS, WHIRRING STOPS]
- Right.

You like dramatic reveals? Here's one.

My kid is one of the two children...

there's four, actually...
that uses this elevator.

Wait. What?!

So, is this some kind of
undercover sting?

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

- [WHIRRING RESUMES]
- Don't be ridiculous!

- [ALARM RINGS, WHIRRING STOPS]
- Hey!

Listen! Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna leave this elevator,

which I'd like to be
refurbished for my son,

and you're going to put a stop

to whatever plan you've concocted.

And if you don't, I'm gonna use
all the energy I've devoted

to making this school a haven for my kid

into making it a hell for you.

- Ohh!
- Now you're free to leave.

What is happening?!

I told you
they needed to fix this thing!

Alright, where to next?

Isn't it time to get back to school?

You're really not acting
like the Ray I know.

But the Ray you know
always fought with you guys.

We're having fun together.

In fact, forget this "Ray" business.

Call me Blaze.

[CHUCKLING] Ohh.

Blaze just figured out his next move.

What are you doing?

Our soda-throwing friend.

Are you gonna mess with his car?

Ray, no, let's go back to the school.

I'm Blaze.

Ray, I never appreciated it before,

but you do serve a purpose.

We need a wet blanket.

Without you, we're
a runaway truck without brakes.

The trio demands a weenie.

I did my time.

Fine! I'll do it!

JJ obviously never will.

He just wants to see the world burn.

There's a new killjoy in town,
and I say the fun stops now.

I spent a lot of time
saying things just like that.

Better on this side, weenie.

[SIGHS]

My husband will be here
to rescue me momentarily.

Oh, so, my fate rests
in the hands of a man

who would marry you? Great.

Well, I wonder who'd marry you, too.

Where did you meet?
At an "I Hate Wheelchairs" rally?

We met through mutual friends!

That is very boring!

I don't hate your son.

You got a funny way of showing it.

I don't want to take
anything away from anyone.

I'm just trying to figure out
how to help my kid.

Jake's not doing great, okay?

He's really lonely.

Fencing is the only thing
that made him happy.

I'm just... I'm trying to figure out

how to make my son happy.

But it's hurting my kid in the process.

And, I mean, I'll do anything
to protect him,

even if it means taking
something away from your kid.

Which is exactly what you're doing.

Ohhhhh!

Oh, I just realized something.

Other people love
their children... like how I do.

I do. Please let me see him again.

I get it. I feel you.

I may even like you again.

I definitely like your jumpsuit.

Well, I really liked you

before this whole kidnapping thing.

And even then, it was a great ambush.

So you like the irony of me
trapping you in the elevator.

Oh, I got it right away. [CHUCKLES]

Just out of curiosity,

what was your plan
for saving the fencing team?

Oh, I was going to give Dr. Miller

a very strongly worded letter.

A letter?! Pbht!

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think
you've read my letters.

How much free soup
has Campbell's sent you?

[GRUNTS]

Hey, honey. I'm here
to get you out of there.

Got a ladder, but I'm just not sure

how safe it would be for me to...

Oh, Jimmy, take your bloody shoes off!

Copy.

This isn't you. Don't do this.

Dylan, don't fight it.

We don't need a stick in the mud.

You could have a cool nickname like me.

Maybe Siren.

"I'm Girth Squeezel."

Girth Squeezel?

Okay, enough talk.

I've got a car to egg.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Ehh! Ehh!

Gah!

"Wow."

B-L... "Blaze throws a lot like Ray."

[GRUNTS]

Alright, last one.

[SMOOCHES]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

Why did you guys let me do that?!

I'm Ray!

Alright, now,
in times like this, it's common

to feel an overpowering
attraction to your rescuer.

We'll sort out those emotions
once I get my shoes back on.

What's up, hero?

Hey... guys!

Aren't you gonna come down, big guy?

You know, I...

Actually, I've got some
post-rescue inspection stuff

to... you know, just want to...

[SIGHS]

♪

I don't understand.

Well, the rest of him
is there on the bench.

But it doesn't matter
because he's a her...

Ohhhhhhh.

Forget tall, darling.

What's important
is that you're the bigger man.

I saw things up there!

A lot of you are going bald!

This is the most expensive thing I own.

One telescope for one broken sign?

You're lucky I don't call the police.

If I see you around here again, I will.

And they will find you, Blaze.

They will find you.

You were right.

That was irresponsible of me,
and I'm back.

But it was nice to be on the same side.

You were responsible, Dylan.

Maybe we can all be
responsible ones now.

♪

Come on, weenie! Drive!

This $ Amazon gift card
is sold for $ ... .

Okay, DJ Kenneth thinks this
fundraiser's only going so-so.

- That concludes...
- Uh, Kenneth!

I got something else to auction.

Well, is it lessons
on how to treat a deejay?

'Cause they could use that!

[CROWD GROANS]

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

I always thought people with
families different from mine

couldn't understand me,

but after trapping this woman
in an elevator...

- [CROWD GASPS]
- No, no, she's fine.

I mean, Sarah, tell them you're fine.

Well, my back hurts a little bit.

She's fine.

Anyway, I realized

that you all have JJs
with wants and needs

that are just as important
as my child's.

I don't succeed
at getting my kid what he wants

just because his stuff matters
more than yours.

I get it 'cause I've got
a lot of fight in me

and I've had to do much practice.

So, anyway, that's what I'm offering...

me fighting for anything you desire.

bucks a pop.

Proceeds go to
the Lafayette fencing team.

- [CROWD REACTS EXCITEDLY]
- Any takers?

- MAN: Over here!
- WOMAN: Yes! Here!

[GASPS] Look at you all!

Kenneth, this is some crowd!

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

Don't... D-Don't say anything.
Just... Just listen.

I didn't come here tonight

intending to deceive you
with magical shoes,

but I put them on, and I liked
the confidence they gave me,

and I liked the way
you looked at me in them.

But it wasn't real. This is.

I am a not-tall man.

You know, it takes a lot of
nerve to do something like that.

Even more to admit it.

- You're not mad?
- Yeah.

Mad at how inspired I am
to admit my own insecurity.

My name's Carl.

And I always think
waiters are hitting on my wife.

Uh...

I dye my hair.

I'm a natural brunet, but I-I hate it.

I'm not in shape.

No!

I'm just wearing a man girdle. Look.

[VELCRO RIPS]

Whoa!

Awesome!

You changed lives today, Jimmy.

Platform shoes or not...

...you'll always be tall to me.

And me.

And me.

This is the best, weirdest...

first fundraiser I have ever been to.

So, textbooks for the Spanish club,

fencing's gonna be reinstated,

and one of the parents
wants fewer water fountains,

for some reason.

This list is strange.

Hey!

I'm getting parents
everything they want!

Look at you, giving back.

Yeah, and I want to.

Dr. Miller, I don't say this very often,

but thank you... for everything.

We love being part of this community.

We're home.

What's wrong?

Oh, now's not the time.

But I've spoken with JJ's teachers.

He's...

not gonna graduate this year.

[VOCALIZING]

What up? [CHUCKLES]

Too much of a good thing?

Alright.

So, Mom and Dad are gonna notice
that my telescope is gone,

but it'll be fine,
because we're all pals now.

We can back each other up.

So, the story is, we saw
a poor, young schoolgirl.

She told us her dream
was to be an astronomer, but...

Sounds great, Ray.

You guys aren't gonna
have my back, are you?

No.

Alright, I guess it's back
to where we started...

Dylan and JJ against the weenie.

At least I still have the
bucks Mom and Dad gave us.

"Give it to me,
or I'll tell them you..."

D-R... "drove."

[SIGHS]

Fun team while it lasted.

Guess we'll always have the memories.

Nah. Give me those, too.