02x13 - D-I-- DIMEO A-C-- ACADEMY

[bunniefuu]

And we know how excited
you are to go to college,

and we're excited for you,

but the school's position is that

you cannot graduate this year.

There were some absences

related to medical
procedures and therapies.

Some grades could be
higher, but, you know,

you just started at a
mainstream school last year.

You know, that's their position,

and... they're adamant.

"What are you going
to do about it, Mommy?"

["k*ll BILL" THEME PLAYS]

I thought you'd never bloody ask.

Should I put on the theme
music to "k*ll Bill"?

Or is it already playing in your head?

Yeah!

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Unacceptable, Dr. Miller.

Unacceptable, Dr. Miller!

Bloody unacceptable, Dr. Miller!

I understand, but...

I understand, but...

I understand, but...

Hey! [CHUCKLES] That's
too funny, isn't it?

We're getting ready for the same fight.

I'll see you there.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Where are you going? Why
are you running away from me?

- Coward!
- It's true... I am a coward.

The coward who cares... That's my brand,

and my track record of
standing up to you is...

not good.

But this is too important, so
I've brought reinforcements.

These are JJ's teachers.

They will attest that
JJ has not completed

the work necessary to graduate.

If you wanted to challenge that,

you would have to go through all of us.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Let's do it.

JJ needs to make up nine gym classes.

He'll do three gym
classes, no dodgeball.

Four gym classes. Give me dodgeball.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

What will it take for
JJ to pass English?

He needs to read two Shakespeare plays.

- Not gonna happen.
- One Shakespeare play.

- Sorry.
- My screenplay?

Is it good? It's long.

Cut pages, and we'll talk.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

JJ will not pass French.

JJ will pass French,

'cause you don't actually
care and you hate your job.

Au revoir.

You're a math teacher.

Here's some math for you.

Three... two...

I'll pass him!

[MUSIC STOPS]

[INHALES SHAKILY]

Maya, it might be possible
to squeeze a passing grade

out of each of these teachers,

but to graduate JJ before he's ready

wouldn't be the right thing for him.

So I won't allow it.

I suppose that's that, then.

Yes. Now please leave so
I can collapse in peace.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, you guys are back from
the JJ meeting? How'd it go?

Oh, your mom likes to
do those things alone.

There's a very clear division
of labor in this family.

- So what do you do?
- What do you do?!

Sorry. Lot going on. Tough day.

She's back.

And she won.

Time for my traditional
Mom victory marshmallow.

- I didn't win.
- You lost?

What do we do? We don't
have a tradition for that.

Marshmallows aren't a
tradition either, Ray.

Nobody knows why you do it.

I couldn't change their minds.

Those fools are insisting
he do another year.

Are we sure they're wrong?

I mean, I know how you get

whenever anyone says the words...

I-I'm gonna say it from back here.

"JJ can't,"

but should we consider that
maybe this isn't one to fight?

Maya?

Say "JJ can't" again.

Aw, darling. I'm sorry.

I... I tried.

They just don't think
you're ready to graduate.

JIMMY: "Then, I'm done there.

I can't face them.

I'm not going back."

I'm so sorry.

[DOOR OPENS]

Okay, buddy. [SNAPS FINGERS]
Let's get you to school.

Don't want to late. It is this time.

Blam!

I know... It's an extravagance,

but, as the guy at the watch store said,

"Are you sure you can afford this?"

[LAUGHS]

Huh?

Lafayette's not gonna let
him graduate this year.

He's decided not to go back.
You may or may not have a job.

Oh, no, buddy.

Uh...

♪ ♪

You guys want to buy this kid a watch?

♪ ♪

TEACHER: On to our next demonstration...

Gas visualization
through thermal imaging.

Now, everyone, watch closely.

When Ray pops the balloon,

the heated gas inside will disperse.

- Three, two...
- [FARTS]

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

That's odd.

We didn't pop the balloon,
but there still seems to be

a hot gas in the air near Ray's pants.

Great demonstration.
I'll go sit down now.

Curious. Any hypotheses on
the strange gas around Ray?

[CHUCKLES] Ray farted.

[LAUGHTER]

Yes! That would do it.

♪ ♪

- Hey, Jimmy.
- Hey.

How's JJ holding up?

He's been better, but Pepper's right.

It's really no problem that
a big pile of belts won't fit.

I met with Dr. Miller to
ask if I would still get paid

to assist JJ while he's not at school.

Got to hear her real
laugh for the first time.

That was fun.

I'm gonna have to sell some stuff

just to pay this dumb thing off.

Ugh! Goodbye, rare
baseball card collection.

Hello, ex-wife who
has them at her house.

The ex-wife who b*rned all your stuff?

No. The mean one.

[INHALES SHARPLY] She did
not want to get a divorce.

[CHUCKLES]

She's gonna be all over me.

Wish I could avoid the whole thing.

Just don't have much of a cushion.

Yeah, really makes you
wonder where the phrase

"as rich as a public
school aide" comes from.

All right, ladies, votes for
team captain have been tallied.

Oh, yeah.

Now, I don't want to get
into one of those situations

where I say "And your
new team captain is..."

and then the wrong person stands up

'cause they were sure
they were gonna win.

So even if you think you're
about to be named captain,

don't stand up, 'cause you didn't win.

Capisce?

Your new team captain is...

Thank you!

Alicia Hernandez.

Damn it, Dylan!

What?!

I'm faster than Alicia.

I'm faster than all of you.

Why didn't you dumb losers vote for me?

Your answer's in your question.

No riddles, Barry.

I think people felt

Alicia displays better
sportsmanship than you.

[DYLAN GROANS LOUDLY]

Of all the times to come in second!

♪ ♪

[LOCKER SLAMS]

You didn't come in second.

Get in, get the baseball cards, get out.

Kenneth, do not be beautiful.

You just don't listen, you sexy devil.

♪ ♪

Robin. Hello.

Kenneth. It is so good to see you.

You can smile?

[LAUGHS]

I know we didn't end on the best terms.

I'm in a better place now.

Your stuff's inside.

♪ ♪

Wha...

This is you?

Wow. You're in a much better place.

Well, come on. Let's catch up.
I'll open the good wine.

♪ ♪

Well, I do like the good wine.

JJ. Good news.

I found a school that is up to the task

of helping you graduate this year.

"What's the school?"

Would you like to meet the headmistress?

She's just back there.

Word of warning... She
got a bit of a funny voice.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT] Hello, JJ.

My name is Miss Rona McDuff,

and I am so excited
to be working with you.

[NORMAL VOICE] Now, was that an excuse

to show you that I'm
gorgeous as a blonde?

No. It was, though, a
dramatic way of revealing

that I am the eadmistress
of DiMeo Academy.

And class is now in session.

Also, [CLEARS THROAT],
I'm gorgeous as a redhead.

I did my research.

If we follow a registered
online curriculum,

you can get enough credits
to graduate this year.

Boom! Victory marshmallow
is a thing now.

No? All right.

"They said I couldn't do it."

Yeah. So now we fight.
Did you just meet me?

"You can't be my teacher.

You don't know"... C-H-E...
"chemistry or French."

Well, that's where you're wrong.

See, Mrs. DiMeo doesn't need
to know everything.

She just needs to know one
chapter more than you.

And as of last night, she does.

Alors. Si tu as fini de déconner,

il faut que nous nous
mettons au travail.

♪ ♪

Allons-freakin'-sy.

♪ ♪

Fart Guy! Look at them, mocking me.

They all know I wasn't named captain.

Is there any greater shame?

None that I can think of.

Hey, look who it is! What up, Fart Guy?

- [LAUGHTER]
- I'm not Fart Guy!

I'm just a girl who
wasn't named captain!

Why do they keep calling me that?

It's not you.

In class yesterday, I...

I-I dealt it.

Ugh! Stupid track team!

I'm so mad, I can't even enjoy that.

- [STUDENTS MAKING FART NOISES]
- [LAUGHTER]

Well, this is the place...

All mine now after a
pretty brutal divorce.

This is my third one.
Getting pretty good at it.

So, what have you been up to?

Uh, not much.

Say, is that one of those,
uh, wine-on-tap things?

Yeah. Help yourself.

[LAUGHS]

It's like one of those
soft-serve machines

that get you drunk!

Hi!

Oh. You give your dog bottled water?

[CHUCKLING] Man, that
divorce worked out well.

What can I say? I'm
attracted to successful men.

You always have been.

[LAUGHING]

You're funny, Kenneth.

Oh.

You don't think I'm successful?

[CHUCKLES] I saw your car,

you were wearing the
same shirt the day we met,

and you're here for your baseball cards,

which reminds me...

So great seeing you, Kenneth.

Right, in order for you
to graduate this year,

we've got a lot of ground to
cover and not a lot of time.

So, in the interest of efficiency,

we're gonna do a little bit
of physics-French-geometry now.

"What's with the"... B-A-L... "balls?"

Oh, excellent question.
We'll also be doing gym.

So, if energy goes as velocity squared,

in the game of football, if
I kick you two times faster,

the pain you experience will be...

"Four times more."

Yes! Exactly!

I'm looking for DiMeo Academy.

Ah! Guest history
lecturer... World w*r II.

We'll throw some history on, too.

Start talking, sir.

Uh...

The year was .

Kick and talk. Kick and talk.

I was sitting in the front room...

Kick and talk. and I was
listening to the radio.

[SIGHS]

Aren't you kids gonna ask
JJ how school was today?

JJ didn't go to school.

Yes, he did.

Today was his first
day at DiMeo Academy.

Wait. You started a school?

"It's"...G-R... "great."

Good enough for me. I'm in.

Are you? Why?

Kids my age are extremely immature

about a perfectly normal
bodily function.

Look, I work hard, and I
listen to what the teachers say.

Do you want me or not?

You know what?

Another student could
spice up the soccer team.

Does this school have a track team?

Follow-up question... Could
that track team compete

with the Lafayette losers
at the meet this week?

- I mean, I suppose...
- I'm in.

Don't put it in the
oven! Put it in a drawer.

Look at that!

A school so successful,

it triples in attendance in a day.

Hey. How was your day?

Not bad.

I decided to homeschool JJ,

then Ray and Dylan
expressed an interest...

Which I didn't fully explore...

So I'm gonna pull them out of school

and educate them all myself!

Great. How did their dad take that?

Oh, right. Yeah, I didn't ask him.

Tell you what... we need another teacher.

Okay. Well, I'll call in sick to work.

At least, call in "very
concerned" to work.

Hey, DiMeos, I'm successful, right?

Compared to what?

Turns out my ex is a gold digger,

and she doesn't want to dig me.

Well, obviously, it's a good thing

this woman is no longer in your life.

Uh-huh. Do you guys have
anything I can borrow

to show her I'm fancy?

What's the most
expensive thing you have?

JJ's wheelchair?

What's the next
most expensive thing?

This plate.

♪ ♪

All right, time for class, I guess.

We have two new students
today at DiMeo Academy.

Dylan and Ray, welcome.

Hey, I think I recognize
you from my old school.

You're that kid who farted.

I'm your teacher... Mr. DiMeo.

Where's Mom and JJ?

Oh, they are on what your mother called

"an exploration of
the tapestry of life,"

which... the zoo, maybe?

Here are some math books.

Wait. We're doing schoolwork?

DiMeo Academy is for real?

I thought this was just
one of Mom's crazy ideas

that would blow over once she
stopped being mad at the school.

[SIGHING] Oh, good.
That's what I thought, too.

Can I just watch you guys
play video games or whatever?

♪ ♪

It's what I'd be doing anyways.

I am a success.

I own this car.

I own many cars.

This isn't even my favorite car.

I hate this car.

Nice car!

[CHUCKLING] I hate it.

[GRUNTING]

Just a little low.

[GASPS]

You never get used to that.

This is yours?

Why were you driving
that junker yesterday?

Oh, that old thing?

I drive that sometimes
just to keep me humble.

It doesn't work.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So, what is it you're doing?

Oh, you know... Real estate, music.

Pretty much exactly what I told you

I was gonna do back in the day.

I guess I had it wrong yesterday.

Mm-hmm. Well, I'm glad
we cleared that up, right?

[BOTH LAUGH]

But, uh, a bit of a tip...

Robin, don't be so obsessed
with success and money.

[CHUCKLING] It... It's not a good look.

[DOG PANTING]

What... This thing
jumped in my car to pee?!

No, dog! No!

Relax, Kenneth.

Stop, man!

It's your fault!

Why do you got to give
it such delicious water?

Good afternoon, students.
Another stellar field trip.

JJ, would you like a break?

Too bad. Pop quiz.

Ah... physics, starting in...

three minutes ago?!

What?! [LAUGHS]

Go on.

Ah, hello, Mr. DiMeo.

Is that an experiment?

Yes. I am testing the effects
of ice cream sodas on smiles.

Oh, yes, there appears
to be a correlation.

This isn't the kind of thing
you've been doing all day...?

What did you study?

- History. - Science.
- Plus.

[SIGHS] More of a..."answer
one at a time" situation.

A word in my office, Mr. DiMeo?

Your lie was "Plus"?

♪ ♪

I don't think you're
taking this seriously.

How serious am I supposed to take it?

I'm standing in a principal's office

that is covered in underwear.

This is just temporary.

Next month, I was thinking
we could renovate the garage

and maybe get a woodworking
course out of it.

We're still gonna be
doing this next month?

We're doing this till JJ graduates.

I thought you were
just blowing off steam.

No. We're done.

Are you not on board
with the DiMeo Academy?

Your name's in the
title. I threw you a bone.

I was this close to
calling it "Maya Academy."

This isn't a school! It's a tantrum!

Someone told you "No," so
you went to w*r, like always.

You don't ask if the
w*r is worth fighting,

and you certainly don't ask what I think.

JJ had a problem. I fixed it.

- That's what I do, Jimmy.
- [SCOFFS]

And all this underwear... It's yours!

I always have your back,
but this is a bad idea, Maya.

You can't teach him stuff that
you just learned yesterday.

Ecoutez-moi bien, mon petit mec.

Tais-toi, sinon je vais tu faire désolé...

Désolé vraiment!

I will give you that your
French has gotten very good.

I blot and blot, and
it just keeps coming.

I need more towels.

You've already used eight.

Then I guess I need nine, Robin.

This old thing's due
for a detailing anyway.

This old thing is a rental!

What?

It's not my car.

These aren't my clothes.

The watch is mine, but it's stupid.

"V-I-I."

Just say "seven"!

I just wanted you to...
think I was a success.

I knew it!

The second you saw my
fish t*nk, I thought,

"He's looking at them like a poor guy."

You're onto me.

I've got nothing.

I'm no big sh*t.

I'm just an aide to a kid.

Like... you help someone?

Yeah. Why?

Does that impress you?

Not at all.

It's just a little out of character.

I mean, our whole thing
was about having fun,

not caring about other people.

Remember that one time

that guy had that heart
att*ck at the nightclub

and we just kept dancing?

I Electric-Slid right past him.

That was our thing.

♪ ♪

Well, I guess I've changed.

I don't have nothing.

I think...

I'm fulfilled.

Congratulations...?

Robin, it's been a pleasure,

but I got to tell a car-rental company

that it smelled like this when I got it.

If you ever become a fulfillment digger,

you know who to call.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

Eugggh.

♪ ♪

Oh, right. Your car's here.

I've signed you up

to hear a guest lecture
at the university

'cause I'm a humble-enough teacher

to know I don't know everything
about the Second Balkan w*r.

And you're going to see for yourself

just how ready for college you are.

Go forth into the world.

Let nothing stand in your way.

Oh, door. Yeah. Sorry.

There we are.

Fit right in with those diploma kids,

smarty-pants.

How did you sleep?

We might need a new sofa
in the faculty lounge.

JJ did well on his test.

I mean, very well.

Good. You must be happy.

I know. You'd think. I should be.

I don't like it when we disagree.

It's new, and I hate it.

Not new. I just don't
tell you all the time.

What don't you tell me?

[SIGHS] I don't like Indian food.

What, not even the samosas?

Oh, wait. No, I do love the samosas.

You're right again.

I know. I'm right a lot.

But I don't want you to feel
steamrolled by my decisions.

How about we give
DiMeo Academy a chance,

and in a month, if it's
not working, we'll revisit?

Three months, and we turn the
garage into a faculty lounge.

Two months, and I agree to
call you "Principal DiMeo."

Oh. Look at me... Compromising.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪ ♪

Hey, man. You trying
to get somewhere or...?

"Yes.

I'm trying to get here."

Whoa.

Okay.

So, it's settled.

DiMeo Academy will continue for JJ,

and Dylan and Ray will
return to Lafayette

after Dylan beats
them in the track meet.

Yeah. And we'll explore
changing the nickname.

[WHEELCHAIR BEEPING, WHIRRING]

Oh, hey! You made it!

Did you learn anything today?

"I learned I want to
quit DiMeo Academy."

What? I mean, it's working.

We're proving that we can do it.

"No, you're proving

you can and will do anything for me.

We already knew that.

But that's not life.

I checked out college today.

It's a bunch of people
taking care of themselves.

I need practice doing that before I go."

Okay, well...

I mean, whatever you want.

But if you go back here,

you're gonna have to
repeat a whole extra year.

You know that, right?

And all your friends
will have graduated.

You're sure about this,
JJ? It's... It's all you.

See that?

Independent thinking.

He got that from DiMeo Academy.

You picked up a lot there in a week.

"I've been going to DiMeo
Academy all my life."

♪ ♪

Mm.

We did good with that one.

♪ This is the fight of your life! ♪

Others may have suffered.

ANNOUNCER: Running for DiMeo
Academy... Dylan "Salt" DiMeo.

Why is your nickname "Salt"?

Because salt kills slugs.

Normal slugs, but we're sea slugs.

We live in salt water.

I saw your wife's car
outside of the Red Roof Inn

last Friday night.

You have a good race, now. [SNIFFS]

All right, let's get up. Get
ready, ladies. Come on, now.

Runners, take your marks.

On your mark, get set...

[g*nsh*t]

[APPLAUSE, INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Yeah! How's my butt taste?

Where you at, Captain?

Yeah, Dylan!

Ohh! Ohh!

[ALL GASPING]

Stupid leg!

After all the cool
things I let you kick!

Come on. I'll help you.

No! Please... get away!

We're not finishing
this race without you.

Once a sea slug, always a sea slug.

I-I don't want your
stupid sportsmanship!

No! Please don't record this!

I don't want to go viral!

Internet, my name is Renee Jenkins!

This is Ireland!

- [SIGHS]
- [CROWD CHANTING "DYLAN!"]

Thanks, girls.

You're better people than I am.

Please push me across the le first.

I thought what your teammates did
for you was really beautiful.

I'm gonna share it with all
my social-media followers.

Mom already saw it, Ray.

Aw! Did I miss the meet?

I wanted to see you stick
it to the old school.

It is the new school.
DiMeo Academy is no more.

Yeah, it's probably just as well,

'cause I've really missed
yelling at principals.

I'm coming for you, Miller!!

Mm. That's the stuff, innit?

Okay.

Well, JJ, looks like
we're back in the saddle.

Maybe your new school would like
to see you ride off in style.

"Since when are you rich?"

Since I met you, buddy.

[CHUCKLES]

So, where would you like to go?

Back to the rental place it is.