03x05 - S-T-- STAGE MOM

[bunniefuu]

♪ Happy birthday, dear Maya ♪

Ooh, it's your birthday. You
won't fight me for the harmony.

♪ Happy birthday to ♪

- ♪ You ♪
- ♪ Yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-u ♪

Oh, thank you so much. That was flat.

So sweet of you.

Here, open this.

Ooh!

Oh, a mug that says "Mom."

An apron that says "Mom."

And golf balls that say "Mom."

I don't golf.

It's to add to your collection

'cause you collect a lot of "Mom" stuff.

You give me a lot of "Mom" stuff.

Yeah, and you're welcome.

This one's from JJ.

Okay.

Slippers that say "Mom."

"Not just any slippers.

The bottoms are mops.

Try them on."

Okay.

Oh, wow. It's just
like walking, but work.

Oh, what is the matter with you?

What is all this crap?

It's her birthday.

You're supposed to get
her something personal,

something that says you know her.

Is any of this useable?

- Mine!
- Does it say "Mom" on it?

Nope, and it's nice.

She said she wanted it.

It's not the exact color I wanted...

- So it's something to wear?
- Absolutely.

She'll love it.

Dylan's gift is from everybody.

Well, they're wonderful.

Look. Already absolutely filthy.

Hon, don't you get the joke?

These are all gag gifts.

Guys, she fell for it.

Only mom gifts. How rich.

Dylan, give her the real one.

Honey, this is what you're all about.

Thank you... Oh.

Bags for picking up after Pepper.

And they're scented.

Hey, I missed a spot back there.

Forget nice, expensive.

You can wear it?

Okay, it's a little tight.

You know, I love being your mom.

I love taking care of you.

I just don't understand
why you don't see

the other sides of me...

Darling, Ray likes the blue plate.

I'm a person.

- I have passions...
- Ray, let go.

...and interests and dreams.

- Ray, stop!
- How can you think... Separate!

I exist to serve you and pick up af...

Oh, Pepper.

It is what I am. This is me.

You're not dog poop, Mrs. DiMeo.

I don't mean that that's what I am.

- I mean the action of cleaning up.
- Let go!

Mom, make her stop!

Wimp.

Of course that's how they see me.

It's all I show them.

It happens. Not too long ago,

I was in a toxic relationship

with someone I do not want to name.

Kenneth. And he only saw me

as one thing... a reliable
4:00 a.m. booty call.

He comes here at 6:00.

And I needed to show him and myself

that there was more to me.

That's when I found community theater.

"My arm doesn't go that way."

Hmm? Oh, him. Whoopsie-do.

I love theater.

I did tons of plays in college.
What kind of plays do you do?

Well, our troupe has some
trouble securing rights,

so we do legally deniable
versions of the classics...

"Sinking in the Rain," "Gals and Dudes."

Oh, I played a carton of
half and half in "Creamgirls."

Auditions are next week.
Would you like to come?

Does this answer your question?

♪ What's that, people? Is it true? ♪

♪ That I am coming
home to the stage ♪

Random.

Would you like to come?

Yeah.

Hey, found Dylan's phone in my car.

Catch.

Hey, Tom Brady.

What'd you do with my dad?

That feels surprisingly nice.

Oh, snap.

Huge party at Anthony
Lopez's house tomorrow.

Is that what those pictures mean?

Yeah, it's a code.

"Come at 9:00. Bring drinks.

No losers."

I tutor this guy.

Why wouldn't he invite me?

I love parties with no losers.

They're just so hard to come by.

Everyone, announcement!

Oh, great, Kenneth.
I'd love to discuss you

coming into work a little bit later.

Big news, guys.

JJ?

Hey.

- JJ got a vest.
- No.

- Pretty sure that's a vest, Kenneth.
- Not the point.

It's a vest from my supermarket

because he got a job there!

Bro.

That's wonderful.

We didn't know you
were looking for a job.

He said he's ready, so
he applied to 20 places,

got very nice rejections
from all of them,

then I just got him a job where I work.

- Starts tomorrow.
- What will you be doing?

"Kenneth has something planned."

Uh, yeah. We'll figure it out.

You haven't thought about it?

"Wait. Is this a real job

or a favor for a kid with a disability?"

I-It's the one you want it to be.

I mean, you of all people...

You wouldn't just give JJ a job

to give him a job, right?

No, that would be weird

considering everything
we've been through.

Look, we're forgetting
what matters here.

JJ got a vest!

That's Em. She's got
a bit of stage fright.

She's kind of always
mumbling when you have to

project like this!

Yeah, 'cause those are
your only two choices.

That's Colin. He is so
good at death scenes.

He finds a way to die
several times per play.

Everyone's great.

Ugh, except for him.

He is the most difficult,
undirectable diva

that you will ever meet.

- Hello, Richard.
- Maya.

What are you doing here?

You don't know her, jackass!

Oh, save it for the loudness
contest on the stage!

Welcome, everyone, to
this year's production

of "142nd Street."

Gosh, that is very
close to the real thing.

Hey, Dad. You wanted to talk?

Yeah, you remember Dane.

He's a dad at your school and a friend.

Yeah, and the seafood king of Newport,

but sure, dad and friend.

- That's my hook.
- How could I forget?

The halibut at DiSanti's?

That's Dane's halibut.

You've never taken us to DiSanti's.

You say it's overpriced.

Liar.

Ray, I'm gonna cut to the chase.

Do you know my daughter, Sammy?

Oh, yeah. She's super popular.

Yeah, well, she looks like a female me.

It's high-school-boy catnip.

Sammy was going to go
to that secret party

you told your dad about, but
he told me about that party,

and I got it cancelled.

Ray, you've done
parents a great service.

We could use the help

of a smart young man like
you on an ongoing basis.

Would that interest you at all?

Look, I know my fellow teens

don't appreciate me, but I am no rat.

Who'd call you a rat?

Boy, you're amazing.

You're smart, you're interesting.

I'll tell you everything.

♪ Famous street ♪

♪ Where the stars all meet ♪

♪ And a hundred streets ♪

♪ Away from that street ♪

♪ 142nd ♪

♪ Street ♪

♪ On the subway, 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ Change at 96th Street ♪

♪ Would be my suggestion ♪

♪ If you'd rather go above ground ♪

♪ Take the M-1 bus downtown ♪

♪ And walking's not
out of the question ♪

This is fantastic!

Alright, JJ.

Here is your name tag
and 300-page store manual.

That nobody reads.
Alright. Let's do this.

"What am I doing?"

Well, self-checkout is always breaking,

error codes up the wazoo.

You can stand in front and direct folks

to the regular checkout line.

"And is this a real job?"

Of course. Quincy was
doing it before you.

Let's see you do it.

Oh, excuse me, Miss.

May I recommend the self-checkout?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

It's broken. Go that way.

Why would you do that to me?

Oh, thanks for coming with me.

This is a big moment for Mommy.

I'm sorry we got you
such lousy presents,

but it seems like it
led to something good.

Something great.

Now I get to share my talent
with the world and my kids.

You know what? I'm
gonna get you a new mug,

whatever part you get.

"Play cancelled due to lack of talent"?

I'm not the best with gifts,

but you don't want that on a mug, right?

So do we just ask him stuff?

Ask him anything you
want. He's here to please.

But how do we know that
he's really plugged in

to what the teens are doing?

Show 'em, Ray.

Any questions?

Ray, my son, Lyndon, says he's single,

but I don't believe him.

- Do you know?
- Lyndon's dating Vanessa Diaz.

I know that because I
accidentally looked at her once,

and he tried to push me down the stairs.

Ray, did my daughter,
Nell, quit cross country?

Oh, yeah.

She smokes every day after school.

I warned her about emphysema,

but she tried to push
me down the stairs.

Do you know of any
big parties coming up?

Jocks like to keep their parties secret,

but a secret ain't nothing
but a piece of cheese,

and a rat's got to eat.

The play's cancelled?

What a shame.

You know, I just bought
this really skanky dress

to wear to the wrap party.

Wait, that's it? You're
just going to give up?

No, h play's cancelled.
Let's do our own play.

- Really? You mean we'll put it on?
- Yeah.

- Stage it and make costumes?
- Yes.

And we'll use the coming-of-age
musical I wrote about my life?

Um, maybe.

We'll show that director
and everyone else

that there is more
to us than they think.

Yeah, I'm with Maya.

Come on, everybody but Richard.

Let's do it.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, I see you've...

met Quincy.

"You gave me the job of
a piece of cardboard."

No, I gave you a job
that needs to be done,

and now that you know about Quincy,

he can get back to work.

Hey, Quincy.

You're back on cheese samples.

Any problem with that? No?

Team player.

I think we really need to assign parts.

Oh, oh, I want to be the doctor.

You, a doctor?

- I want to be the doctor.
- Two doctors.

There's no doctor in the play.

- Oh.
- We really need order.

You know, what we need is a director.

- I nominate Maya.
- Ooh.

- Maya!
- Yes, Maya!

Actor-director?

We have so much to do.

There's no time for false modesty.

Bow down before your hyphenate.

Yo, party tomorrow at Zayden's.

Send out the text.

The last one got
cancelled, so keep it quiet.

Excuse me for a minute.

I seem to have come down
with a touch of diarrhea.

Are you kidding me?

It's cancelled.

Sorry, diarrhea.

Aw, man!

Can't kick this diarrhea.

Hey, Ray.

Everyone's talking about
who's leaking party info.

- Oh.
- They'll smoke out that mole.

I mean, at some point, he'll get sloppy.

Doubtful.

Lot of talk about this mole.

Sure seems like he holds all the cards.

Maybe people shouldn't
have underestimated him.

Let's go, Dad.

Why are you always eating fish?

Hey, Anthony. Huge party Friday, huh?

Yeah. Why don't you come along?

Me? Really?

Yeah, why not? You're a good kid.

You think that?

W-Why didn't you say that before?

Just don't tell anybody about it.

There's a mole out there.

Unless... you're the mole.

I'm just kidding.

Oh. Ohh.

- Alright.
- Yeah.

Good afternoon, shoppers.
Hungry for cheese?

Visit Quincy by self-checkout
for a free sample.

"Please use regular chicken."

Quincy to self-checkout, please.

Quincy to self-checkout.

Oh, regular checkout.

Thanks, Quincy.

- Thanks, Quincy.
- You the man, Quincy.

Maya, Maya. Uh, quick question.

When I enter, it says I
am supposed to be running.

Now, why am I doing that?

The dog is chasing you.

It's just running from a dog.

I mean, isn't that sort
of the obvious choice?

You wrote this!

Does not mean I understand it.

Alright, where's Joyce?
We have to start rehearsal.

Um, she was... Um, she... she...

I was promised stage fright.

Are you scared of the living room?

- She... um, well, she...
- Oh, she has car trouble?

Okay, this isn't gonna fall apart.

I'm gonna go and get Joyce.

You all rehearse the dog scene.

We're hungry.

Okay, who wants pizza bagels?

- Ooh!
- Ooh, ooh, me!

Oh, that you can say.

Uh, what happened?

JJ, are you okay?

What are you doing back here?

Oh, my God.

Quincy.

- m*rder*r!
- Settle down, Kevin.

JJ, what's up?

"You gave me a job a cutout could do.

Except he did it better.

I quit."

Whatcha got, Ray?

We hear there's a big party coming up.

- You know anything?
- You bet.

The seniors are throwing
a huge blowout in spring.

I'm talking a deejay, dinner, black tie.

- You're talking about prom.
- Shh!

Ray, help us out.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Where's the party?

I'm really torn.

I'm in too deep. I'm sorry. I want out.

Oh, marone! Jimmy, you hearing this?

Honestly, no. Allergic reaction.

I think a shrimp found
its way into the calamari.

I don't want to complain,
but can I get a fresh basket?

You know, Ray, we're the good guys.

We're just parents trying
to protect our kids,

trying to protect you.

I mean, it sure would be a shame

if everyone at school
found out you were the mole.

Yeah, I got to go to the hospital.

Can I get a rush on the fresh basket?

Okay, everyone's here.

We can start, finally.

- What?
- I am not acting

until she apologizes
for wasting my time.

Oh, I wouldn't call
anything you do acting.

Hey!

Stop touching each other.

Separate! Let's go. Places, everyone.

Oh, Pepper.

Oh, I'm back.

I'm a mom, except for
a bunch of strangers

I don't even care about.

Hey, when you're done,

I have some questions
about my character.

Theater family,
family-family, we need to talk.

I joined this play to show you

that there's more to
me than serving you,

and now I'm just serving you.

It's okay. I've
identified who is to blame.

Me.

I pride myself on being nurturing

and getting things
done, but the thing is,

if I do too much, others
take advantage of me.

Well, that's about to change.

Please repeat after me.

"Maya is not my servant."

Maya is not my servant.

"From this moment forward,

she will do less, and I will do more."

From this moment forward,

she will do less, I will do more.

You know, my hope is that

my children will see me differently.

This may or may not happen,

but what matters is that
I see me differently.

"My hope is that my children..."

- No, don't.
- "...may see me differently.

Goodbye."

I'm sorry, buddy. I got you tangled up

in this whole thing, and for what?

Some crab.

I was being really...

Oh, I really want to say "shellfish."

I just don't know what to do.

Now the teens love me,
but the parents own me.

I mean, do I go to the party
or tell them to shut it down?

I'm in so deep, and I'm so
good at playing both parts.

This could go on forever.

You're the mole?

I suck at this.

I'm sorry. I know you wanted a real job,

and I kind of let you
down on the "real" part.

"It's okay.

You were just trying to help."

Maybe this wasn't the perfect fit,

but we'll find something else.

Let me get your name tag and vest.

You know what? Keep the vest.

Fresco's gift to you.

Sorry, I should actually take the vest.

We're always running out of mediums.

Look who's ready for dress rehearsal.

We made our own costumes,
we learned our lines,

we even buried the hatchet.

We did five trust falls.

I caught him three times.

JJ, how are you doing this?

These things break constantly,

and there's, like, 500 error codes.

"And I learned them all.

I wanted to be useful,

so I made myself useful." Okay.

How would you like to be
our self-checkout specialist?

Welcome back, and here
is your first paycheck.

You're damn right it's for 12 cents.

You broke the crusher,
and you k*lled Quincy, man.

Get your ass back to work.

This play is about Mr. Powers' life?

With three intermissions?!

Hey.

What's up? Isn't it
almost time to start?

The cast... They're not coming.

They've all got food poisoning.

Someone gave them bad fish.

That's crazy.

How did they have room for bad fish

after all the good fish I gav... Oh.

I mean, I guess we just go home.

No, you put too much work into this,

and you want the kids to see you.

Hang on. Uh, hi. Excuse me.

Some of the cast has taken ill,

but who still wants to see a play?

Everyone? Yeah, no, we're doing this.

Oh! I'm gonna break a leg.

I'm gonna ask you again,
son, for the last time.

Do you want to live with your mama

or your daddy?

I don't know.

Where will my doggy, Max, be?

Tell the boy, Alice.

You tell him, Richard.

You're the one who did it.

Order! Order!

I will not have my courtroom
turned into a circus!

Is it me, or is she
seriously good as the judge?

Shh!

♪ I'm just a boy from Maryland ♪

♪ What am I doin'
here in Pennsylvania? ♪

They're so close.

What do you mean, you're leaving?

You're my world, my everything

You don't even like Mr. Powers.

He gave you a "D" last year.

I didn't know what he gave up for me.

♪ How do I know it's Heaven? ♪

Max!

Mom, that was amazing.

Really?

"You transported me, and not in a van."

- Hey, man. Where you been?
- Sorry, I was at my mom's play.

That's awesome, bro.

What a great son.

Now I have to betray my best friend?

_

Stupid parents always signing texts.

I got the address.

Let's go keep our children pure.

Now, who wants to drive? I'm smashed.

Aha!

Party's over, parents.

What is this? Where's my hot daughter?

Your father's gonna hear about this.

Oh, he already knows.

This ends now.

Some bad fish poisoned the whole cast

of a pretty weird play.

Be a shame if people were to
find out who the purveyor was.

Be a real shame.

How dare you use poor Ray as your pawn?

If you want to know where
your kids are, ask them.

They want to talk. They
just want you to listen.

Alright, let's go.

Wise words, honey. Let's go home.

Hey, forgot to ask. Whose house is this?

Oh, my God. You and your questions!