03x06 - C-E-- CELEBRITY S-U-- SUITE

[bunniefuu]

Your suffering's over now.

Mine's just about to begin.

Say something!

It's happening! The most heralded
of DiMeo holiday traditions.

Ha ha!

Macy's parade? Football?

No, Mom trying to get
out of doing Thanksgiving.

Okay, don't let her
win, but she works hard.

Let's give her some false hope.

First... The fun alternative.

Hey, guys!

Crazy idea for
Thanksgiving... Disneyland.

Right? Right?

Give thanks for short
lines on "Pirates."

Aww, but my class just went.

What? Well, that's it.
No more school for you.

Now the moral high ground.

Are we sure that we want to
celebrate this holiday at all?

Because the historical
implications are...

I'd posit the roots of
the tradition go back

to the harvest festivals of
the Babylonian celebrations

of the Great Mother.

Oh, would you posit that? Would you?

Vaguely worded emotional instability.

You guys, I'm just...

I'm going through some stuff right now.

Chinese buffet.

What if we went to the Chinese buffet?

Fun. JJ, what do you think?

"It is my favorite holiday.

You know, I am going
to college next year.

Will I have a tradition
to come home for?"

You suck.

"You know, the Italians have a saying,

'A tavola, non s'invecchia.'

At the table..."

I said I'd bloody do
it, Kenneth! Shut it!

I just don't get the premise

of the holiday.

What happened between the
pilgrims and the Indians was t...

It's over, Mom. Take the "L."

Mom, Dad, I'm ready.

Cool.

For what, you might ask?

To get back with Taylor.

I've been waiting for a
sign that I'd matured enough,

and this morning, I
awoke with a chest hair.

What do you think, little buddy?

He winked. It's on.

I don't know, guys. We
dropped him a couple times.

Maybe that's it.

Hey, Mom. Uncle Billy just pulled up.

It looks so nice in there.

Would you mind if I joined you?

And... none of that.

Every year, I look for
the worst in Billy...

...and I find it.

This year, I'm looking for the good.

I mean, we...

We used to have fun when we were young.

We can have fun again.

You're not getting divorced.

Stop being dramatic
and go answer the door.

Hey!

Billy, good to see you.

- Yeah.
- You look great.

Don't I? Yeah, the chick I'm dating

just got me to go vegan.

I mean, you guys can eat
meat if you have to, I guess,

but can you have Crabby Spice whip me up

something cruelty-free?

So, you're seeing someone!

Is it the lawyer you told me about?

Yeah, kinda. It's her daughter.

You know, like, "You should meet my kid.

She's great."

Well, I'll tell you what...

Granny wasn't lying.

Mm.

You get it. I'm young!

I shouldn't be dating someone old enough

to take heart medicine.

Oh, that reminds me. I-I
gotta take my heart medicine.

Hey, hon!

I found that thing I
said was gonna be fun!

It's not!

Hey! Happy Thanksgiving, DiMeos!

Who's this... JJ's new guy?

What happened to the
good-looking one from last year?

Nice to meet you.

JJ!

Medicine time!

Oh, come on! You don't have to do that.

You're a guest today.

Nah, Jimmy. I got this.

Hey.

Hey, what's the new guy
doing with my heart pills?

- Okay, grab JJ's bag.
- Got it.

You bring the pills.

- Got 'em.
- Come on. Hurry up.

I'm sorry. I-I wasn't paying attention.

Not making it better,
new guy. Let's go. Go.

You're gonna be fine,
but we'll need to keep him

overnight for observation.

We're gonna get him a room.

Okay, thank you.

"Another JJ hospital
visit ruins everything."

What has a hospital visit ever ruined?

"Vacations, graduations,

Dad's perfect bowling game."

Oh, come on. He rolled one strike.

The alley was playing all of
Tom Petty's "Full Moon Fever."

I was not going to miss.

Dude, you're k*lling me.

Nothing's ruined.

What's more, I'm gonna figure out a way

of making this the
best Thanksgiving ever.

Who's with me?

Really all depends on the plan.

Well, I don't have it yet,
but just imagine it's great.

Huh. Sounds pretty good.

- Yeah, not bad.
- That should work.

There you go. How hard was that?

Hey. They're gonna keep him
for observation, but he's fine.

Jimmy, I-I can't believe this happened.

I-If there's anything...
Anything I can do...

Yeah, you can make out somewhere

that isn't blocking the dang game.

Hey, Billy. Comfortable?

God, no. I hate hospitals.

Aww, see, lucky for us, we
have a kid with disabilities

since we love hospitals.

Hey. The kid's gonna be okay, right?

- Well...
- Oh!

That's not roughing the passer!

Come on!

Hey, you want to help?

Deal with him.

I can't handle the "Billy Show" today.

Uh... Oh-ho.

Mm...

Mm... Rrrrr....

How many more sounds you got in you?

Rrrr...

The "Rrrrs" have it!

You're taking care of my brother.

Okay, and what have we got here?

That could be an okay tablecloth.

The funnel sort of
looks like a cornucopia.

How's the glove turkey coming?

Do you really think
that looks like a turkey?

I think it looks like
a son trying his best.

Oh, wait! Stop, stop!

What is that? Where is that going?

I'm really not supposed to say.

You must be new here.

This is Mom.

You're about to tell her everything.

Great news. I've saved Thanksgiving.

I thought I knew every
corner of this hospital,

but I've just learned
of this magical place

where anything is possible...

The celebrity suite!

I've heard the stories.

They're real?

Picture this... Satin sheets,

ocean views, butler on call.

I mean, I don't know if it has that,

but if it's good enough for Guy Fieri,

it is good enough for you lot.

"Sounds amazing.

You got it?"

I did!

I just got to go and tell the hospital.

Oh, come on!

It'll be easy. Who else
are they gonna give it to?

What other special-needs supermom

could possibly be here?

Melanie Hertzal.

L-O... "Logan."

Some rando I'm staring at

because having an enemy seems fun.

Well, so long, DiMeos.

I've got to go save Thanksgiving.

Oh, don't tell me you're trying
to get the celebrity suite.

Oh, I already got it.

I just have to go tell the hospital.

You brought that?

- You didn't? Rookie.
- Coming.

Oh, please be someone who loves me.

Be someone who loves me.

Mrs. DiMeo!

Silly. They all love me.

- And Melanie!
- Hi.

First-name basis? Easy, much?

Stewart, sweetie, I have a little favor.

Me first. I want the VIP suite.

Oh...

Uh-huh.

This boy's good. Yeah.

"Great. Now we have to listen
to your dumb zingers all day."

What's going on?

"Complications from tonsillectomy."

He can't talk.

He has to listen to ou
dumb zingers all day.

"Finally, something to be thankful for."

Dad, this is great.

If Logan's here,
Taylor's got to be here.

I can finally get her
back. It's meant to be!

Mm, hang on.

Riding a horse?

I... uh... A rowboat?

- Oarsman?
- Skiing.

- Yes.
- Uh... a monkey skiing!

Kissy face? Boyfriend.

- Taylor is...
- On a ski trip with her boyfriend!

- Yes!
- Nice.

Oh, hey, uh...

I'm sorry. Neither of
you is getting the room.

There's a guy ahead of you.

So, you're saying that if we could

somehow get rid of this person...

- I'm not saving that.
- Let her finish.

...that one of us
would then get the room?

Should we bump this guy off?

Well, he's here, and he's sick already.

I meant off the list, but that works.

Eh, you know what? I usually work alone.

Well, so do I, but desperate times...

Okay, we work together, get
Famous Anus out of the room,

and then we flip for it.

Just please don't k*ll
the guy on my shift.

Get ready to witness
a Thanksgiving miracle.

I'm gonna get you that room.

Hey! I found out who's in the suite.

He's a big donor. A hypochondriac.

There's actually nothing wrong with him.

He just enjoys the attention
and the massage bed.

- Massage chair.
- If I meant "chair,"

I would've said "chair"... "bed."

Well, I'll get to him. I
have this whole place wired.

The nurses love me, the doctors fear me,

and I buttered up the
weird morgue attendant

because I wanted toe
tags for my luggage.

Well, I've got all the
heating and A/C guys,

and I'm tight with the alarm tech

'cause Logan's a fire alarm-puller.

Stop!

Security lets me play with their g*ns,

and I've got all the gossip

on the desk-jockeys, and they hate...

Being called desk-jockeys.

- Mm.
- Hey.

Ohh, hey, thanks for tagging along.

Shopping's a lot more fun
when you got a backboard.

Ah!

Can't miss.

What say we wrap this up?

Hey, what's the rule with vegan stuff?

Huh? It doesn't count
if you don't chew it?

Right?

Oh!

You want anything?

I want to unsee you doing that.

Hey, come on, man.

Meat's got me in a good mood.

Let Uncle Billy treat you.

Hey, hey!

I'm a dentist. I can write you a script.

Oh! I have a fun idea.

You're crazy.

What?

Ah!

Sounds like you're in pain, huh?

Yeah.

Same.

Actually, not same, because
my pain is emotional,

and there's no medicine for that.

What are you doing
here? You having a baby?

Honestly, I thought I would with Taylor,

but she had other plans.

After all the work I put in

to become a better man for her.

Pfft! There's 10 pushups a
day I'd like to have back.

I'll leave you alone.

You seem like you're ready to drop.

Oh, no. Stay.

I'm here alone, and
your story is helping.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's so boring.

It's calming me down.

Keep going.

So, Taylor and I dated
for 10 months... 10 1/2.

We dated a little bit before
we became official-official.

Let's just say 10 1/2,

but if you put my hand on
a Bible, I might say 10.

Were you friends first?

Yes and no?

That's perfect.

Our mission...

Get the hypochondriac
out of the hospital.

While I distract Morgue Manny,

who's desperate to please me...

- Would you mind...?
- Sliding you in a drawer

so you can feel like a dead person?

Sure.

I get what we need from the closet.

We'll need a badge to get upstairs.

Luckily, on Thanksgiving,
people are working doubles,

and somebody's going to be taking a nap.

I don't see why I have to
be the one under the cart.

There's so many people who know you.

I mean, you are just so... beloved.

Ow!

Well, that was unavoidable.

Nurse Michele's got a weak stomach,

but she's from Buffalo
and has never met a wing

she didn't have to weigh in on.

Yeah, these are no good.

Excuse me.

Shall we?

Borrowed this from my buddy in HVAC.

Which leads us to the
most delicate step of all.

- Go, go, go!
- Get out!

The hospital is infested!

- With what?
- DiMeo-Hertzal Disease!

The readings are off the chart!

Bloody hell. This place is fantastic.

Aah! It's in my suit! It's in my suit!

Aah!! Get it off me!

Get it off!

Don't worry. It preys
on relaxed muscles.

As long as you don't massage...

I've had six!

Have a very happy Thanksgiving!

Ha ha!

Oh...

Sauce!

You had a wing.

What?

"There's an extra board from
a few years ago in my bag.

Too bad I enjoy your misery."

"Fine."

There you go.

"I like."

- Cool! The Borat board!
- Not the Borat board.

So good.

Well, I should go check on Kenneth.

No man should have to endure

my brother Billy alone for that long.

It's not very nice!

We'd finally moved on, Jimmy.

"Thank you for giving me a voice."

"This board sucks.

Your dad's Borat sucks.

You suck."

I wrote her a song. It was really good.

Kind of a, uh, "Paul Simon
meets Nickelback" vibe.

- Huh.
- They're ready for you.

- Come with me.
- Oh, no. I-I need Ray.

- Sorry, only family.
- Please?

- Ray, sing the song.
- Uh...

♪ You're the unforgettable pain ♪

♪ You're the sweetest kind of rain ♪

- Really?
- ♪ And my brain goes insane ♪

All right, come on.

♪ When the Taylor train

♪ Rolls through my mainframe ♪

Feels funny.

I thought this was just for teeth.

Oh, no. I'll let you in
on a little dentist secret.

It works everywhere!

Oh! Novocaine fight!

Ah!

Guys?

Are you... playing?

Yeah! This guy is great.

I am digging the "Billy Show."

You guys are in the middle of
a hospital playing with dr*gs?

I want in. Yeah!

No, no.

We're good.

You do your thing.

Kenneth, give the man a thumbs up.

I can't.

He can't do it!

Hey, I'm gonna go see how far I can get.

I did my legs, too.

Oh.

Aww, Jimmy, what's wrong?

You're having fun.
You're getting Good Billy.

I never get Good Billy.

Jimmy, buddy.

Put my arm on you.

Just enjoy.

Well, we did it. Thanksgiving is saved.

I guess all that's left
is to flip for the room.

- I don't have a coin.
- Nor do I.

Hang on.

Call it in midair.

"Chiwetel" or "Theft of
this badge is a felony."

Wait.

What if we didn't flip for it?

What if we just went up there
and ate dinner all together?

Oh, I don't know.

O-Our boys really don't get along.

Wouldn't this be an appropriate day

to just put all that
aside and break bread?

Yeah.

I'll talk to JJ.

Did we just become friends?

God, I hope not.

Okay, Mary, one last push.

And that's why this
world has nothing for me.

Love is dead.

I'm not being dramatic when I say...

life... has no meaning.

Say hello.

Your name shall be Hope,

for that is what you have given me.

And I will never let you go.

I know you don't like Logan,

but I'm always fighting for you alone,

and we shared this fight.

I really think that we
should share the reward.

"Don't trust these people.

I trusted Logan for a second,

and he insulted Dad's Borat."

But Dad's Borat is fantastic.

"The room is empty.

Did she really just take
Logan to the bathroom

or are they taking it right now?"

Whose idea was this truce?

Melanie Hertzal's.

Open the door this instant!

Who is it?

Oh.

Hi, Ray.

He just woke up.

I just wanted to come say
hi to my little fighter.

Well, that's nice of you.

He looks hungry. Shall
I give him some doughnut?

Oh, I should nurse him

and give him some skin-to-skin contact.

That's really important for a newborn.

I just feel so grateful for him.

And I want him to have the
life that I never got to have.

Aren't you like 12?

You'll be fine, Ray. I promise.

If you'd like to hold him
before you go, that's okay.

Oh, I...

I think it's working.

- Out.
- Hey, no need to push.

What happened?!

Do you have any idea

what I had to do to get
those Buffalo wings?!

You were gonna do the same
thing. I just did it first.

Oh, you're wrong, Maya.

I wasn't gonna screw
you over, but I am now.

H-How's that massage bed?

Not a bed!

It is a chair that reclines fully!

It's r-r-r-r-really nice.

Jimmy, wait up.

Jimmy-y-y-y!

I am sorry I didn't hate your brother.

And I hope by phrasing it that way,

you realize you're the
one that's being weird.

It's not your fault.

I just haven't enjoyed Billy in forever.

Why can't I get along with him
like I used to? I mean, you can.

Well, it's easy for
me. He doesn't know me.

You guys were close, huh?

What kind of stuff would you do?

Oh, we'd bust on the Bigelow twins,

t*rture the babysitter.

We were the worst.

Well, see, that's the problem.

You're adults now.

You need to connect over adult stuff.

Go deeper.

I can help.

Oh. No, you don't have to.
I see what you're trying to...

Totally worth it.

Are you supposed to be able to
see your breath in hospitals?

She's got the A/C guy in her pocket.

Oh!

And the alarm guy!

Thanksgiving in the bathroom! Come on.

Next year... Chinese buffet.

Today, I'm gonna help you two

find a grownup connection.

Okay.

Do we have to do it

with soft, weird voices like this?

Billy, Kenneth's right. We've
never really talked about...

well, talked.

I'll start.

Um, I'm Kenneth,

and Kenneth sometimes feels alone.

I'm Billy, and, um,

sometimes Kenneth tells
his problems to strangers.

Okay, that's not how this is really...

I'm Jimmy, and, uh, sometimes

Kenneth starts an exercise
that backfires on him.

Wait, you, too?

- I'm Kenneth...
- No, no, you're Billy.

...and I bet you I throw a football

worse than the Bigelow twins.

Ha ha!

I think this is working!

Y-You're supposed to go deep.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I bet you I throw a football
worse than the Bigelow twins.

That was totally it!

You guys deserve each other.

Aww, come on!

Hey, buddy.

What's, uh, going on?

I helped deliver a baby today,

held it in my arms, fell in love,

and then the mother banished
me from his life forever.

Th-That happened today?

You got a big heart, Ray.

No one's, like, looking for you, right?

A huge heart.

And you let people in.

That's not the way
for all the DiMeo men.

The heartache's gonna go away,

but...

don't lose that.

Ooh, I'm Jimmy,

and I have heart-to-hearts
with my son!

I had that coming.

Dinner's ready!

Should we go around and
say what we're thankful for?

Cold enough?

I'm just warming up.

What more can you do?!

Okay, now what more?!

Maybe we should just give up the room.

I wanted to save the
day, so I fought for it.

But I don't know that she
was gonna take the room.

Well, of course I was! It's what we do.

Well, maybe we shouldn't.

If families across America

can get on with people they
loathe for one day a year,

then, you know, I think we can.

You're right.

It's gonna take me a while
to turn off the alarm.

Bugger.

My wife!

♪ To sail from shore to shore

♪ Oh, I've got plenty...

They need to be out in five minutes.

James Van Der Beek sprained his toe.

You tell 'em.

Time to say goodbye.

It's the only way
you're gonna get closure.

Hi, my little guy.

Thank you so much for
showing me I can love again.

I'll never forget your little fingers

and cute, little toes.

I can't!

You'll never understand
the connection I have

with this child.

Ray?

Have a nice life, kid.