03x12 - O-- OUR M-A-G--MAGEDDON

[bunniefuu]

Attention, ladies and ladies.

Welcome to the 34th annual
Lafayette Mother-Daughter Tea.

35th, isn't it?

I run the school, Mother.

Professor Miller.

Oh, put it away.

35th and final.

Drink up.

Oh, this is so delightful.

So many strong, beautiful women,

all calling each other the B-word.

You will know when I'm mad at you.

This is a normal skirt.

Well, your grandmother is a liar.

I just love that we have
a perfect relationship

and that Jimmy is gonna bail us out soon

with a pretend JJ emergency.

- Shoulders back. You can do it.
- Come on. Mother, stop it.

Care to visit the photo booth, Mother?

We are so connected.

Have we ever fought?

Well, I think I'd remember.

I mean, you and me...

It would be total Armageddon.

Right.

You're lucky you have
such a cool daughter.

Well, you're cool 'cause I'm cool.

What does that mean?

Just that you're a mini-Maya.

We get along because
you're me, and I love me.

Maya! Where are you?

It's JJ!

I left him alone in a hot-air
balloon for one second,

and now he's gone!

- Come on!
- Not again.

So, what do we do?

Wow.

"What will they do?" indeed.

I know what we'll do.

A Q&A...

with the creators of "Late August Rain."

Let's give it up for
them and also my segue!

Yeah.

First question is for our director.

You capture your lead, Izzy,

with such love

in long, lingering sh*ts.

Tell me, what drove that decision?

"I didn't linger..."

Sorry. Can we pull up
the lingering sh*ts?

I mean, come on.

I also have a question.

Were you planning on
swooping in to date Izzy,

even though we cast her
so that I could date her?

Oh, and a follow-up...

Won't I think you're a
creep when I find that out?

Look how long the creep
lingers in this sh*t.

"I'm not a creep.

- I don't like her."
- Really?

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

Awesome movie, JJ.

Uh, wait.

Is that a weird thing to say

when I'm in the movie?

So, when are we talking
about that sequel?

"What are you doing now?"

- Nothing.
- Oh, then you're free for coffee.

Sure. Um...

Talk later, JJ?

Okay.

Nice work getting her
to admit she was free.

- Hey, Ray?
- Aah!

How long have you been down there?

To answer the question

behind your question,

I heard you fart.

Let's move past it.

How would you describe me?

That's a tough question.

You're a complex
person with dozens of...

Am I a mini-Maya?

Oh, yeah, that nails it.

What?!

It's not a bad thing.

We all have our dynamics with Mom.

JJ can do no wrong.

Mom and I have our Sam and Diane

"will they or won't they" thing,

and you and Mom are two
peas in an angry pod.

I don't want that.

I'm my own pea.

It's just your dynamic.

And if I were you, I
wouldn't mess with it.

Oh, no.

Now I know you're gonna
mess with the dynamic,

because that's what Mom would do.

No, I'm gonna mess with the dynamic

because that's what Dylan would do!

"What do you do when you
have a forbidden crush?"

Wait. Dude, you have a crush?

On who? Spell faster!

"Forbidden crush.

I don't want the others to know."

Who has a forbidden crush?

- JJ.
- JJ what?

Has a forbidden crush.

A forbidden crush, you say?

- JJ has one.
- On who?

- Well, he hasn't said.
- Who hasn't said?

JJ hasn't said his forbidden crush.

Ah, it's like we're on "The West Wing."

"I like a girl,

but a guy I'm close to liked her first."

Uch, is this like a "bro code" thing?

As a man who's been unlucky with love,

I've developed an approach I
like to call "Mean Don Juan."

Anything goes.

In the game of love,
there are no friends,

only winners,

whose hearts doth intertwine.

Weird energy to this whole speech.

"You know what?

I didn't want this to be a whole thing.

I'm good."

He's good? Who's good?

Damn it, we lost it.

Wait. Uh, Melanie's busy tomorrow night.

Wanna go out?

Yeah. We always talk about a "guy-hang,"

- and things always fall through.
- Hey.

- We're two busy fellas.
- Yeah.

So, I thought that we could
check out the turtle races

at McSmerling's Pub.

I'm in, baby!

You heard of that?

No, but I'm a dad.

I will go anywhere.

I didn't even hear what
you just invited me to.

Last word on it...

Do what you need to do
to be with this girl.

Who cares about the other, loser guy?

Crush him.

"The girl I like is... Izzy."

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, well, she's setting up
for the Valentine's Day dance.

I was gonna go help and make a move.

You should go.

"What about Mean Don Juan?"

I'm not gonna fight
you. You're my brother.

"You sued me for taking your phone."

I sat down with a lawyer
to discuss my options!

"Why won't you compete with me?"

There's no one reason.

It's because he's in a wheelchair.

Is he? But he talks, right?

I can't get in the way of JJ and a girl.

I fall in love five times a day.

I just noticed that curvy
lamp for the first time.

I love her.

Look, I'm sure this all goes away

unless you made a big deal

about being a Mean Don Juan

in a competitive love situation.

I can't tell if you're being
sarcastic, but I did do that.

Now I can't back down, and
I'm gonna break his heart.

Where did you buy that lamp?!

Okay, Ray, I'm gonna put
this as gently as possible.

You're worried that you're
going to get the girl?

- Yeah.
- And would you say,

historically... No judgment...

That winning the girl
is something you, Ray,

- cannot avoid?
- You're right.

If I just do what I normally
do, no way things work out.

Thanks, Dad.

Guess I'm off to, uh, be me.

Okay.

There we go.

Hey, Kenneth. I'm on
my way out the door.

Dude, you're gonna hate me,
but Melanie's schedule freed up,

and she wants to come to
the turtle races tonight.

Mind if I take a rain check?

I know your heart was set on this.

No, no, it wasn't.
That's... That's fine.

You two have fun. Uh...

Oh, no. That's not
what you're gonna hate.

See, Joyce told me about this place.

She's here all the time.

Now, I can't have her here,

coming and causing a scene with Melanie.

You think you can stall
her for a few hours?

You want me to hang out with Joyce?

Oh.

I have to keep my marble
collection with me,

or my roommate will steal it.

No. Take Melanie someplace else.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

Hey...

Okay. Well, I will
see you all next week.

Yeah, let me get that door for you.

Oh.

Ow! My back!

Hey, could you take a look at this?

Do I ask you to make
me shoes on a Sunday?

Do you think I'm a cobbler?

My gift, my curse.

Have you seen this?

The school is considering
a ban on straws

based on some environmental measure.

I mean, JJ can't drink without a straw.

This is w*r. Ray, think of puns

based on the word "suck."

Dylan, top them.

I can't, because I am for the straw ban.

- No, you're not.
- Oh, yes, I am.

They make some good points.

- Name one.
- Make me.

Dad, what's happening?

I don't know, son. No eye contact.

Don't take the "teenage
daughter" tone with me.

What's the matter?

Are you afraid of a little Mageddon?

- What?
- Our Mageddon.

The one you talked
about if we ever fought?

'Cause, lady, this
ain't just my Mageddon.

What does she think a "Mageddon" is?

This would be an att*ck
on our family, Dylan.

Say you won't support it.

I just signed the online petition.

Then you are grounded
for a thousand years.

We have grounding power?

Ugggghhhhh!

"Your turn, Mean Don Juan.

Do your worst."

Oh, I plan to.

Izzy.

'Sup, guuuuuurl?

Ray, I'm glad you're here.

There are less people than expected.

Ah, ah, ah. Fewer people, mon cheri.

Thank you for correcting my grammar.

That was helpful.

Do you want to give me a hand with this?

Uh, first, do you want to hear my take

on what modern feminism gets wrong?

That could be interesting.

I'll go grab some drinks.

What is happening?

Ahh!

Ahh.

This ends now!

You are grounded until
you take your name off

that straw ban!

You can't ground what you can't catch!

Aha!

That was a practice "aha!"

- Dylan!
- Maybe we should go.

Is car physical therapy a thing?

- It is for twice my rate.
- Sold.

You do not leave this house.

I am this house.

She's in the walls.

She's in the walls.

I'm gonna go and get a sledgehammer.

Okay, well, good luck, guys. Love you.

Shh.

She's fun.

So, I just decided...

I'm a weird kisser, and
I'm never going to change.

Amazing, right? No bicep.

The doctors don't know how I bend it.

Your jeans don't fit.

- Okay, that's it.
- Thank you.

I've tried to be nice
because JJ kept going on

about how amazing you are and
how we'd be great together,

but I don't see it at all.

JJ was talking me up?

- Why?
- If you find out, tell me.

Wait... actually, have
someone else tell me.

Joyce, how do I put this...

- How can I afford an Aston Martin?
- Yeah.

A client gave it to me as a tip.

The feds keep trying to
take it, but I'm like,

"Hey, I'm not in the Hungarian Mafia."

Oh, Kenneth? I got to prank him.

Hey, that's my...

Hey, K-Dawg, what's up?

I do not sound like that.

Jimmy, thank God I caught you.

Hey, Kenneth, don't say anything.

Melanie can't make
it for two more hours.

Can you keep stalling Joyce?

Oh.

Yeah, I'll do my best,

but, boy, if she ever figures this out,

there is no place on earth you can hide.

You got that right, Jimbo.

I'm grounded when I say I'm grounded.

Predictable.

I drilled it shut.

I thought you might.

And I thought you might
have thought I might.

Drop the straw ban, Dylan.

You can't win because
you and I share a mind.

If I want to know what you'll do,

I just think what would I do.

- Lucky guess.
- Lucky guess.

You talked me up to Izzy?

Why would you want someone
you like to go out with me?

Right?

You've made your opinion
on me quite clear.

Now, good day, Madison.

So?

"I'd rather she choose
you than turn me down."

You're afraid of a little rejection?

I've been rejected by
every girl in this room.

"That's different.

You get rejected because
of your bad, weird choices."

Big true, big true.

"I will get rejected for
the same reason I always do,

and she won't even say it.

She'll make up some dumb excuse.

It's worse than the no."

Maybe Izzy's different.

Try.

I am so, so sorry.

It's not you.

I'm mad he put you in this position.

We are just a couple of booty calls.

I-I don't want to disagree with you

- because you're terrifying...
- Mm-hmm.

...but I am not Kenneth's booty call.

Does he ever take you out into public?

No. We make plans.

We're just two busy fellas.

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Which of these "two busy
fellas" cancels the plans?

Uh, well, one time, Kenneth was sick.

One time, Kenneth had to
take his aunt to the airport.

Uh, one time, Kenneth said
he was stuck in an elevator,

but then I saw someone
who looked exactly like him

on one of those eight-person bicycles.

So, really, "two busy fellas"
is just one busy fella and...

I'm Kenneth's booty call.

Oh, JJ.

Look, I tried, but I told
Ray it isn't going to work.

Is he okay?

"He's fine.

Rejection rolls off him."

No, I mean in the larger sense.

Is he okay?

Um, while I've got you here,

can you tell me if you
think something's romantic?

"Isn't this just the Halloween maze?"

You could still tell, huh?

I blew most of the
decorations in one spot.

At least you can't tell
it's an axe m*rder*r anymore.

"Look, Izzy.

About before...

I was afraid, so I
pushed you toward Ray.

But I like you.

I think you might like me."

"Would you go out with me?"

You're really nice, JJ.

It's just...

I have this boyfriend
from out of town, and...

"It's okay, really."

Okay.

Uh, thanks, JJ.

This is a really good maze.

Looking to ruin these?

Fire extinguisher's also empty.

Fine. You know me.

But that doesn't make me you.

You don't even know
how lucky you have it.

I don't complain about anything.

My phone is your piece
of crap from 10 years ago.

What the heck is AT&B?

Plus, I have to share
a room with JJ and Ray.

- Every night, it's disgusting.
- Well, I don't want to hear about it.

Ray tries on all of his
outfits for the next day

and makes us watch him walk in them.

- I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
- Why do I even bother?

- I'm out of here.
- Okay.

Well, you can't escape,

'cause wherever you go,

you'll be me, and I'll be there.

Not without a car, you won't.

What? Where are you going?

Wait, you can't... No, come back!

Smell ya later.

Smell ya now.

Come on, come on! Go!

Yeah!

Yes! Aghhh!

Joyce. It's so good to see you.

Kenneth Clements, you
never even told me goodbye.

You didn't have the guts to do it.

And for that, I will
announce to this crowded bar

your Social Security number.

0-9-6...

Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm sorry, Joyce.

You deserved a goodbye.

What we had was special.

It b*rned brightly,

and now it is a memory,
one that I'll cherish.

Goodbye, Joyce.

Oh, Kenneth...

You know what apologies do to my body.

- Yeah.
- But I understand.

Farewell, Kenneth.

That's it?!

I didn't cower in the parking lot

and sneak in behind you to see that.

Apologize to her!

You played with her heart, and
you toyed with her feelings.

No, I just wanted the goodbye.

It wasn't really a "feelings" thing.

Yeah. She made it
really clear about that.

- Right?
- Yes, I did.

But did he play with your heart
and toy with your feelings?

Pfft, no.

Please. Jimmy, you care.

I think you boys have
some things to talk about,

so I'll leave you to it.

Oh, Joyce, how do you know
my Social Security number?

Goodbye, Kenneth.

Well, here's another
difference between us.

I've never driven the
van through a garage.

- This garage.
- What did I do?

This is what I get for
asking for what I want.

Why can't you ask me for what you want?

Look what happened!

No, I should just keep
my head down and be quiet.

I'll go figure out how to take
my name off the straw petition.

Ugh, this is all my Mageddon.

This is how we avoid a
love triangle next time.

I keep records of every girl from school

who's ever rejected me.

Likes, dislikes, allergies...

Go nuts.

Oh, except for with Alisha B.

Big peanut allergy.

I'm sorry she said no

and that she wasn't
straight with you about why.

And I'm really sorry I wasn't
straight with you either.

I didn't want to compete with you

but was too chicken to tell you why.

"Call it even if you find a hot
girl to be straight with me."

Yeah.

Me, I like to see
what they come up with.

This girl told me that if she
didn't date until she was 30,

a witch would give her her parents back.

Creative, right?

Yeah, which one's ours?

I have no idea!

Go!

Uh, when's Melanie getting here?

I canceled on Melanie.

I thought I was just a guy
who took care of your kid,

but now that we're friends,

there's gonna be a lot more of that.

Sounds nice, Kenneth.

My improv group meets
tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

You can bring a friend. I will.

Uh, jazz brunch after that.

I've been drinking a lot here.

I think my friend's gonna
have to drive me home.

Huh.

Do I want to be your friend?

I dunno know, man.

I ask a lot.

You'll see.

Whoo!

Oh, hey, JJ.

And Ray.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry
for being weird yesterday

and for misreading your signals.

I just hope we can still be friends."

Of course we can, JJ.

Um... Ray, can you give us a minute?

Hey. I'll give you two.

No charge.

Okay, bye.

You didn't misread any signals.

I do like you.

It's just...

Your disability kind of freaks me out.

"Did Ray tell you to say that?"

What? No. No, no, no, no.

I mean, I could see
why you'd think that,

because it's weird and it's wrong and...

"It's perfect. Keep going."

I don't know what dating you looks like.

With the chair and the board and...

Will you be offended if
I accidentally take you

to an inaccessible place?

And what if we break up?

Am I the jerk who dumped
a guy in a wheelchair?

And will your brother always be around?

Sorry, again.

"We can take it one date at a time,

and we'll put a bell on Ray."

In that case... yes.

I would love to go on a date with you.

Yes!

What? I love love.

Do you have any single friends?

Dylan. I have something for you.

This is long overdue.

This looks like an even older phone.

Here.

Press it.

It's your own room.

Well, half a room.

Seriously?

Yeah. The insurance
company gave us a new door,

but they didn't say
where we had to put it.

I've never looked up
at a ceiling before.

Just Ray's butt through a mattress.

I think I prefer this.

Listen, darling.

I'm sorry that you felt
you had to be like me

in order to be loved by me.

You know, I only pushed
back because I didn't want

to let go of what we have.

Fight again soon?

It would be my pleasure.

Good.

Now get out of my room.

Oh!

Just trying it out.

Teenage girls. We're ridiculous.

Oh! Bye, then.