05x07 - An Introduction to Engineering and a Glob of Hair Gel

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: Engineering has a rich

and storied history,

dating back to ancient times.

Some consider it the single
most important field of study...

Okay, w-wha... no. Stop.

I'm sorry. Howard, I can't do this.

WOLOWITZ: You asked me to write
you an introduction to engineering.

ADULT SHELDON: Yes, and if
I wanted a comedy routine,

I'd have gone to Billy Crystal.

WOLOWITZ: Just let me
read it. [clears throat]

♪

Engineering has a rich
and storied history

dating back to ancient times.

Some consider it the single
most important field of study

known to man,

from the wheel to the
International Space Station,

which I went to.

ADULT SHELDON: Honestly, this again?

WOLOWITZ: Like we don't
hear about your Nobel Prize

all the time.

ADULT SHELDON: It's not my
fault people ask about it.

WOLOWITZ: Because
you're always wearing it!

You have it on right now.

- ADULT SHELDON: Look how shiny it is.
- [Wolowitz sighs]

WOLOWITZ: Just tell your story.

ADULT SHELDON: My own
history with engineering

began spring semester
of my freshman year.

Good morning.

I'm Professor Boucher,

and this is Civil Engineering Lab.

Class begins at , which is...

...now.

In this course,

we're going to apply the principles

of static mechanical forces...

[knocks on door]

I'm in this class.

This class started at ,

so... no, you're not.

As I was saying,

Uh, yes?

I appreciate your use of
the -four hour time format.

Were you aware that while often
referred to as "m*llitary time,"

it actually dates back to the Egyptians?

I'm aware that the class
is now starting at .

Is it all right with you if I begin?

Please.

ADULT SHELDON: One minute in
and I was already his favorite.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

This course is about
practical applications.

This isn't about fancy theories
or what works in a classroom.

If a tunnel collapses, the
only math that's gonna matter

is the body count.

- You.
- Sheldon Cooper.

Son, I'll learn your name
if you make it to midterms.

Right now, you're just a number to me.

Ooh, can I be number one?

That's what Captain Picard
calls Commander Riker

on Star Trek: Next Generation.

You need to listen more and talk less.

Is that clear, number one?

Aye, Captain.

Hmm.

[phone rings]

Ballard's.

Hello.

- Hey, what's up?
- Oh, nothing.

- I just called to say hello.
- Oh.

Gee, I don't think I've
done that in my entire life.

You want me to hang up?

No. Uh-uh.

W... But what happens next?

- [phone beeps]
- Oh, wait, hang on.

I got another call.

All right, fine, yeah, sure, I can w...

Hello?

JUNE: Hey, Connie. June.

Hi, June. What's going on?

I know you have a hair
appointment this afternoon,

but I'm gonna have to cancel.

Everything okay?

No, I busted my knee up pretty good.

Oh. Does Dale know?

I-I'm on the other line with him.

No, not yet. Yeah, you can tell him.

Okay, hang on.

Hello?

I'm so sorry, who's this?

It's been so long.

I'm on the phone with June.

She hurt her knee.

How?

Well, hold on.

How'd you hurt it?

Oh, it's so embarrassing.

I slipped on a glob of
hair gel at the salon.

Wait a minute.

She slipped on a glob
of hair gel at the salon.

[laughs]: Oh, nice.

Well, that was worth the wait.

SHELDON: And then, at exactly : ,

he locked the doors and
wouldn't let any latecomers in.

That seems a little harsh.

He's so intolerant. It's fantastic.

He also wears a bow tie,
and instead of using my name,

he gave me a number.

I don't think I like that, either.

No, it's great. It's like we're robots.

And guess what my number is.

Number two?

SHELDON: No, number one,

like Riker on Star Trek.

But number two is also
good. Like the pencil.

MARY: Well,

I'm glad you enjoyed your class.

For our first assignment,
we get to build a bridge.

Professor Boucher was part of
the Army Corps of Engineers,

and he built bridges all over the world.

You know, I was also in the Army.

Ooh, perhaps you trudged
across one of his bridges.

How neat would that be?

I bet Dad did cool Army stuff, too.

Nope. "Trudging" sums it up.

See, number one is also pretty funny,

'cause it means taking a leak.

[sighs]

- [doorbell rings]
- [TV playing indistinctly]

- Come in.
- [TV stops]

If you're a robber, I got a shotgun.

It's Connie and Dale. Don't sh**t.

[laughs]: Oh.

Hey. Y'all didn't have to come by.

MEEMAW: We just wanted to see

how you're doing.

Yeah. Brought your favorite ice cream.

Butter pecan?

What's your second-favorite?

I'll put this away.

So, how's it going?

Do you have anybody to help you out?

Oh, yeah. These little guys.

- Elvis was onto something.
- [chuckles]

Till he keeled over on the toilet.

He was the king.

- That was his throne.
- [laughs]

Seriously, now, though, if
you need anything at all,

we are here for you.

That's right. %.

MEEMAW: Would you stop?

I was being sincere.

Well, that's for the
next dumb thing you say.

Well, just quit hitting me, would you?

Well, quit being stupid.

BOUCHER: For your design
assignment, you may decide

between suspension bridges,
truss bridges, beam bridges,

just not Beau Bridges.

And people say engineers
don't have a sense of humor.

Yes?

What are Beau Bridges?

That's all for today.

Your initial designs are due next week.

[students shuffling]

I finished my design assignment early.

I admire that initiative.

Thank you, I stayed
up late to finish it.

My normal bedtime is hours,

but I was so excited to do
it that I took a power nap

in my Meemaw's back
seat on the drive home.

Uh, you'll need to do
this again. It's wrong.

No, it's not.

Son, I'm giving you another
chance before it's due.

Well, what's wrong with it?

That's your job to figure out.

I would argue that it's
your job to teach me.

Let's see. [clears throat]

To start, this bridge is in pieces.

What do you mean?

Well, two can play at this game.

Well, now they can't.

And then he ripped up my
paper right in front of me.

What is this man's problem?

I don't know. He
didn't even use a ruler.

He just ripped it up, willy-nilly.

Do you want me to call the school?

No, he was in the Army. I
want him to think I'm tough.

Sure.

Well, I'm sorry you had a bad day.

How about a little trip to RadioShack?

RadioShack's not gonna make this better.

It's also not gonna
make it worse, so okay.

You got it.

Maybe he was just intimidated
by my intelligence.

Or maybe he's an insecure bully

taking out his frustrations
on a little boy.

I like my version better
where I'm intimidating

and not a helpless child.

Okay, he's taking out his
frustrations on a powerful

and intimidating young man.

That works.

WOMAN [over TV]: Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Hey, baby.

[TV playing indistinctly]

[phone ringing]

Ballard's.

It's me. Any chance you could swing by?

What do you need?

Well, the recliner won't go down,

and I'm stuck in this
chair like a damn fool.

Well, that is a situation.

How long you been stuck?

Are you gonna help me out or not?

Oh, just give me a moment to enjoy it.

Get your ass over here and
you can laugh at me in person.

Eh, I'm on my way.

[exhales] Thank you.

- Got to grab my camera.
- [hangs up]

[sighs]

ADULT SHELDON: You know it's bleak
when even a trip to RadioShack

couldn't lift my spirits.

ANNOUNCER: Professor Proton will
be right back after these messages.

♪

♪ You're reaching deep inside you ♪

- Go!
- ♪ For things you've never known ♪

♪ It's been tough, rough going ♪

♪ But you haven't gone alone ♪

♪ Be all that you can be... ♪

Of course.

ADULT SHELDON: I
realized Professor Boucher

was pushing me to be
the best me I could be.

You'd think the person
who could teach me

to be the best me I could be was me,

but it was Professor Boucher,
after the Army taught him

to be the best he that he could be.

Now it was up to me

to help us be the best "we" we could be.

I think you're going
to like this one, sir.

Do it again.

Yes, sir, sir.

Here you go.

♪

♪ But it was just another
piece of paper... ♪

Again.

Yes, sir, sir.

♪ And it really didn't
mean one little thing ♪

♪ To you from the very start ♪

♪ Just another piece of paper... ♪

Oh, at least use a straight-edge.

♪ Just another piece of paper ♪

♪ Tearing us apart ♪

♪ And it is just another
piece of paper... ♪

You wanted to see me, ma'am?

Hello, Professor Boucher.
Please, come in, have a seat.

I'd prefer to stand.

Oh. All right, uh,
then, I will also stand.

[chuckles]

You know what, um, these are
really not standing shoes,

so I'm just gonna sit.

I was hoping that we
could have a little chat

about Sheldon Cooper.

I'll start.

Sheldon is a very important
asset to this university.

And we like to keep
that little fella happy.

But it seems that your teaching methods

are making him unhappy.

You understand?

- Yes, ma'am, I do.
- Great.

You'd like me to turn
his frown upside down.

You know, when you say it,

it sounds more chilling than fun.

I'm just saying

that he's a sensitive
kid, and you are...

well, whatever this vibe is.

I understand.

Excellent, so you'll
take it easy on him?

No. I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't do that.

You see, uh...

all these "ma'ams," they sound polite,

but then I don't seem
to be getting anywhere.

Well, that's because you're not.

You do realize that I'm your boss?

Yes, ma'am, I do.

And do you realize that I have tenure?

Ugh, tenure.

What fun is it being president

if I can't thr*aten people's jobs?

May I get back to class now?

Oh, fine. And fall
off, or whatever it is.

It's "dismissed," ma'am.

Just go.

[laughs softly]

I heard that giggle.

MEEMAW: Okay. Soup's on.

Mmm. Wow, looks good.

[grunts] Oh, geez.

Are you okay?

Oh, I, uh, I tweaked my back.

Oh. How?

I was helping June out.

Well, aren't you sweet?

What'd she have you doing for her?

Yeah, this and that.

This and that what?

Yeah. This and that and the other thing.

Do you not want to tell me?

Well, for the sake of honesty
and because she might tell you,

I was helping her take a shower.

You took a shower with her?

She took the shower,
I was just assisting.

So she was naked.

For crying out loud, we were married.

I've seen her naked a million times.

You think that is helping?

I knew I shouldn't have been honest.

You shouldn't have been
playing bathroom attendant.

There was nothing sexy about it.

It was like washing a car.

A rusty old car.

Did you scrub her windshield?

What does that even mean?

Her boobs, genius.

I was helping her in the shower

so she didn't fall down.

Well, fine.

And boobs are headlights.

Everybody knows that.

What are you doing?

Watching Sheldon struggle with homework.

It's so great.

Come on, think.

- What's going on?
- I can't

figure out this engineering project.

And every time I turn it in,
my professor just rips it up.

Well, ain't this the fella you liked?

I did, when I thought he was
pushing me to be all I could be,

but it turns out all he can be is mean.

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Could you talk to him?

You're in college now.

Don't you think you should
fight your own battles?

Does telling on him to the president

of the university count?

Did it work?

- No.
- Then no.

Will you please talk to him?

Ooh, what if your mom does it?

But you were both in the Army.

And you're both crabby and impatient.

There's a lot of common ground.

You really got under
this guy's skin, huh?

It would seem so.

Lot of common ground.

[phone rings]

[TV playing indistinctly]

Hello.

Hey, June.

Connie. Just wanted to see

if you need anything.

Nah, I'm good, but thank you, though.

You sure?

Groceries? Dishes?

Help in the shower?

Damn it, Dale.

MEEMAW: I'm sorry,

I'm just not comfortable with it.

You think I am?

Last time he saw me naked,
gravity was on my side.

Then why'd you ask him to do it?

Who else am I gonna ask, Connie?

You got tons of friends.

I've got acquaintances,
I've got clients.

Those aren't exactly people

you want looking at your hernia scar.

And Dale is?

I got that hernia by
dragging him onto the bed

one night he came in passed-out drunk.

Look, I'm sorry if I

crossed the line, but you
have nothing to worry about.

Okay.

Look, I promise, next time,

I'll get the kid who mows my lawn

to come over and hose
me off in the backyard.

Call me.

I'd be happy to hose
you off in the backyard.

[laughs, sighs]

I got to admit, I'm a little jealous.

Of what?

You.

Why?

You have the Dale I never got.

I spent a lot of time

polishing that turd, and
you get all the benefits.

Hey, I put my time in on that, too.

Not as much as me.

When I met him, he was a mess.

[laughs]: You should've
seen where I started.

Well, I think we can both agree,

he is one lucky turd.

Amen, sister.

BOUCHER: So, let me guess.

You think I'm being too hard on him

and you want me to lighten up?

He is having a tough time.

It's a tough class.

Look, I get it.

I was in the Army, too,

I-I'm all for being strict, but...

he doesn't even know
where he's going wrong.

You know, maybe you could just

point him in the right direction?

You mean, give him the answer?

No, no.

Would you?

What do you think?

- No.
- See?

I didn't give you the answer
and you figured it out.

Look...

your son is obviously brilliant,

but coddling him won't
prepare him for the real world.

I've been saying that
since the day he was born.

Sometimes you have to break
them down to build them back up.

I do that with my football players.

At least, I try to, but then the parents

get all bent out of shape,
they come into my office.

You don't say.

Yeah, you would not believe...

Oh. Y-You mean me. Got it.

You figured it out again.

Hey, I'm two for two.

Hey.

Did you talk to my teacher?

I did.

So, is he gonna tell
me what I'm doing wrong?

I'm going to.

You're sitting here waiting
to be handed the answer

and that's not how life is.

You got to work for it.

- I don't want to hear a football pep talk.
- Hey.

This isn't football. This is real.

Your professor's right.

Now, instead of pouting,

take charge of your own life.

ADULT SHELDON: My dad was right.

I had to take charge.

And after more minutes of pouting,

that's exactly what I did.

But despite my best efforts,

I was still no closer
to figuring it out.

I was going to have to see my work

be torn to pieces one more time.

Of course.

I'd been so focused on
mathematical perfection

that I hadn't taken into
account real-world elements.

Wind can trigger vibrations.

If these vibrations occur at
a system's resonant frequency,

then oscillation generates excitation

and a bridge can lose
its structural integrity.

Okay, I'm a genius again.

ADULT SHELDON: I couldn't
wait to hand in my paper

and see the proud look
on Professor Boucher's...

No!

I figured it out!

It's wind! It's wind!

I hate engineering.

WOLOWITZ: Wait, so after all this time,

that's your problem with engineering?

ADULT SHELDON: Evidently.

WOLOWITZ: So all the
teasing and all the abuse

had nothing to do with me?

ADULT SHELDON: I'll admit, at
first, I had a chip on my shoulder

because of that class,
but then it was mostly you.

WOLOWITZ: Unbelievable.
When will I learn?

ADULT SHELDON: I could
give you that answer,

but if you figure it out for yourself,

it'll mean so much more.

- WOLOWITZ: Goodbye, Sheldon.
- ADULT SHELDON: Bye.

You wanted to see me, ma'am?

Professor.

I understand you locked
Sheldon out of class.

Well, he was late. That's my policy.

I need you to do me a favor.

Yes?

Tell me exactly what
his face looked like

when it happened.

Wh... Seriously?

Oh... Paint me a picture.

I want to feel like I was
the one who closed that door.

Oh, I'm gonna sit for this.

Okay, so he approached

the door with that smug look he has.

- Ugh. I know it well.
- Then,

when he realized it was locked,

his face fell into shock and disbelief.

[laughs] Nice.

Uh, show me. Do the face.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

Oh, sir,

you have turned my frown upside down.

You are welcome, ma'am. [laughs]