01x16 - Aaron Wolf

[bunniefuu]

Most people who eat Komodo dragons

throw away the testicles.

I guess those people hate electrolytes.

[crunch]

Aaron Wolf, seriously?
The guy's such a fake.

Sure, he's a bit over the top,

but Aaron Wolf's a legit badass.

Yeah, last week he slept inside

an elephant's uterus.

Ooh, what I wouldn't
give to be that elephant.

I hate Aaron Wolf.

These fake survival shows are ruining it

for hardcore adventurers like us.

You won't find testes like
these in your mama's pantry.

Unless, of course, she's a member of

the Aaron Wolf Extreme
Meat of the Month Club.

Oh, this guy is such an embarrassment.

I guarantee I could stuff way
more testicles in my mouth.

Didn't you used to work with Aaron?

Yeah, we started here at
Outdoor Limits together.

In fact, I was one of the
first people in the world

to not respect his work.

Sounds like you're
just jealous he got out

while you're still working
here in your late s.

How old do you think I am?

Aw, he's already going deaf.

[loudly]: I said late s.

Shut up, shut up. His
shirt's coming off.

Eh, looks like I dribbled a little bit

of dragon seed on my shirt.

I guess I'll have to
forage for a new one

over at my Web site...

"WheresWolfTV.biz/store/apparel/tops"

[baying like a wolf]

Oh, this guy uses any
excuse to take off his shirt.

Not true, he always has a legit reason.

ANNOUNCER: Next time on Where's Wolf?...

I'm sure K-pop superstar
Tae-Twon Park would agree...

...that's some fresh salmon.

[both howling]

Jack, we're watching it.

I don't know who I'm
more disappointed in,

you guys or Tae-Twon Park.

Jack, I'm sorry to butt in.

You couldn't come to
my office, could you?

I seem to have misplaced
a rare South-Asian gem.

A sapphire... possibly from Bombay.

Ah, gin, how quickly
you turn a mother's hug

into a vicious slap.

It's like some evil scientist said,

"I'll invent a liquid to
ruin every Thanksgiving."

Now, Jack,

you know I value your opinion

above anyone else's.

Now, I'm considering

asking Aaron Wolf to come in

and guest-edit the magazine for a week.

What do you think?

Terrible idea. Hard pass.

Ah, yes. Mm. Awkward.

You see, heh,

I wanted you to feel important,

so I only pretended to seek your input.

Aaron Wolf is coming

to guest-edit the magazine this week.

No, you can't do that.

I finally have the kids writing
the best stories of their lives.

One week with Aaron, and they'll be back

to churning out articles like
"Bears Ain't That Bad, Yo."

It's true, though, isn't it? They ain't.

Oh, come on, you two used to be friends.

You teamed up on some
of our best pieces,

and, if I recall, one of
our hottest copywriters.

Well, that was before he sold out.

He doesn't care about the outdoors.

All he cares about is

his Aaron Wolf brand.

You taught me this magazine is about

integrity and substance,
and day-drinking.

That's why it's your responsibility

to make sure that Aaron upholds

the standards of the magazine.

But I respect you, Jack,
and if you really are

against this idea, I'll call it off.

Great, call it off.

[howling in next room]

He's already here, isn't he?

Why can't you just
agree and feel important?

You know, Brooke, I remember

when you were just an intern here.

But I've got to say,

you have blossomed into

one righteous slam piece.

Me? I don't know about "slam piece."

[gasps]: Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No paper towels, amigo.

We've got to take care
of this righteous chica

we call Mother Earth.

Allow me.

[eagle screeches]

♪

[phone ringing]

And that was when I realized,

I didn't have to outrun the bear,

I just had to outrun
celebrity chef Mario Batali.

[laughter]

Ugh, this guy hasn't changed a bit.

Yeah, he's such a poser.

I hope he dies in a fiery boat accident.

Whoa, dude.

Look, the guy's a clown,
but he has a daughter.

I hope he gets a back rub that's so good

it only leaves him wanting more.

That's not far enough.

I hope he gets his on the head

and forgets the names
of everyone he loves?

There you go.

Ugh, I couldn't live with myself

if I was that much of a phony.

Hey, buddy.

Jack Gordon.

- Aaron Lipniky.
- Yeah.

Jack knows me by my birth name,

before I was renamed
by the Choctaw Nation.

Yeah, we all had fun
at that casino opening.

Hey, there's that grip that
free-climbed El Capitan.

And there's that hand
that once got stuck

inside a water buffalo.

Ooh, that is one lucky water buffalo.

Man, it's great to be here.

This place made me who I am.

[snickers]: What floor
are we manufacturing

douche nozzles on?

I'm sorry, what?

- I said what floor do we...
- Clark, Clark...

Your reflux, your reflux.

Look, as managing
editor, I should probably

walk you through some of the ideas

- that we're working on.
- Great.

First things first.

Let's all do this at Eddie's, all right?

My publicist scored a same-day rez.

Howl if you're with me.

[howling]

He's already got Emma and Mason howling.

That's what I was worried about.

You say the word, I will
bring back his trachea.

You've really got to
work on your levels.

EDDIE: Buddy, welcome back.

Congrats on your show.

The way you roasted termite
larvae with the Massai warriors

inspired me to rethink my whole menu.

Asante-sana, Eddie.
And thanks for squeezing us in.

So let me tell you guys
how badass your boss is.

Tell 'em about the
time the two of you went

glacier trekking in the Himalayas.

Yeah, good idea.
They've heard it before,

but not from the actual guy

that got stuck in the ice crevasse.

I used to be clinically obese.

So ten years ago, a TV producer came in

and asked Jack if he wanted to host

his own adventure show.

Well, when Mr. Integrity
here turned it down,

guess who they offered it to next?

That's right, Seth Green.

And then when he turned it down,

that's when they asked me to do it.

And, trust me, I have no problem

feasting on Jack's sloppy seconds.

Oh, my.

Guys, obviously, Jack
made the right choice.

He's making a real
difference in the world.

So what if he's sleeping
in the second-best bedroom

above a filthy bar with his roommate

who's constantly heating canned tuna?

Well, now I regret my life.

Aaron, look, I'm sure you're late

for some celebrity
appearance at a boat show...

Oh, crap, you're right.

So why don't we fill you in on some

of the pieces we're
working on this week?

Okay, all right, so what we want are

some hot, sexy ideas

that our sponsors can really get behind.

Okay, howl at me.

Okay, well, there's a caribou migration

in the Yukon... it's
supposed to be epic.

Good one, Mason. Maybe
a conservationist angle.

Shh, shh-shh. Uh, all right,

let me see if I can get into this.

[softly]: Hey, how you doing?

[smooches]

Mm, no, I don't want to
have sex with that idea.

I'm sorry.

Who's next?

Uh, there's a fisherman in Brazil

who survived days lost in the Amazon.

Okay, okay, hold on.

[softly]: Hey, again.

[chuckles, smooches]

You know what, soft as a hacky sack.

Okay, Aaron, these are good ideas

that you are having air sex with.

I have worked hard to get these kids

to write articles with real substance.

Oh, man, that's why
you're always gonna be

a better writer than me, you know?

Okay, look, so tomorrow,

we're all gonna reconvene
on Mason's Yukon idea, okay?

And I promise that I'm
personally gonna turn it into

a respectable, sophisticated idea

that we all want to bend over a car.

[elevator bell chimes]

Hey, Esther, how you doing?

I had that dream again where
I'm a weird receptionist

at an outdoor magazine.

And then what happened?

Oh, thank God you're here.

Look what this greasy Disney
villain did to our Web site.

[wolf howls]

Oh, it looks like a
Hong Kong street corner.

I read you loud and clear, guys.

That's why I sent Emma and Mason

up to the Yukon to report
on that caribou story.

- Wow. Really?
- MASON [on screen]: We're here

in the actual Yukon.

EMMA: Which would be freezing

if I wasn't wearing these Aaron Wolf

all-weather yoga pants.

That's a green screen.

Or there are two Esthers in the world.

Either way, it's a waking nightmare.

Aaron is a disaster.

First, he paid for everyone's lunch,

which sets a terrible precedent.

And now he's infecting
everyone with his low standards.

[laughs] Oh, this is like old times...

Jack complaining about Aaron.

Do you remember that time you stormed in

because he wanted to add a
centerfold to the magazine?

I don't even know where
he found that photo,

but an Amelia Earhart
nip-slip was in poor taste.

Well, Jack, if you're
worried about Aaron

leading these kids astray,
then you need to remind them

what the magazine stands for.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, are you familiar with the legend

of how the British dealt
with the cobra problem

in colonial India?

- No.
- It's fascinating.

And I'm halfway through
this book all about it.

So why don't you sort out your
own problems for a change, hmm?

Hey, Jack in the Box! Arr, arr, arr.

So the green screen is free

for you to do your
"Wolf It Down" segment

on how to find food in the forest.

- Sponsored by...
- Jack in the Box!

Guys, we are not about faking stuff.

It's called Outdoor Limits
because we actually inspire

people to go outside.

And Outside Magazine was already taken.

Look, hey, guys, if you
want maximum eyeballs,

- sometimes we fake things.
- Not here.

Look, I'll do your survival segment,

but our way... No faking,

no gimmicks, because the real outdoors

is more inspirational than
anything sh*t on a green screen.

Except for Space
Jam, hands down the best

basketball cartoon movie of all time.

Hmm. Man. I really love your passion.

Reminds me of a story.

The year was .

Rob... Schneider... and I, were hiking.

We were halfway up Mount...

What up, Internet? I'm streaming
live from the Penokee mountains

with legendary outdoor reporter...

And my work wife... Jack Gordon.

As you can see, it's taking a while

because of these wet conditions,

but we have seen some
amazing wildlife out here.

Like a brown squirrel, a grey squirrel

and a third squirrel who was
moving too fast for me to tell

exactly what color it was.

Wow, wow, wow! That is intense!

Ho, ho! I got to hit pause
before my phone explodes!

Bee-oop!

Hey, Jack.

We all know Aaron's a
basic B, bordering a C,

but, uh, when he does his
"Wolf It Down" segments,

there's a little more action.

More action? You crazy?

This is primal.

Man versus wet stick.

Listen, I could watch you rub
your wet stick all night long.

Wow. I don't even hear those anymore.

But it's just that we promised
our viewers a bug feast,

and after four hours, the only
people still watching are...

my mom and some guy from Texas

who keeps demanding
to see our bare feet.

Look, it's the authenticity

that's gonna make people
excited about all this.

Cool, cool. Cool, cool.

You want to maybe take your shirt off?

No!

No. If you don't want
to wait for the fire,

then just eat the bugs raw.

[exhales]

What up, Mom and GimmeDemFeet ?

Watch out, because C-dawg's
gonna get to the bottom of...

this.

Oh, boy...

[groaning]

[crunches]

[muffled]: Oh! Oh,
there's so much movement.

It's like putting a
subway station in my mouth.

That's how you make a
real fire in the wild.

Gradually.

[retching]

Hey, Wolf Cubs, how's the Q&A coming?

Mason? Why no-typey?

These fifth graders
in Canada want to know

how I'm liking the Yukon,
but I'm obviously not there.

Can't lie to a bunch of kids.

Mason, Mason, Mason.

Kids are the easiest ones to lie to.

And in public school?

In Canada?

It's just that we can't
get Jack's stupid voice

out of our heads: "Write with purpose,"

"Beyoncé's not a source."

It's so annoying.

I definitely know that
voice: "Do your research,"

"You take the mom,
I'll take the daughter."

Look, I understand what
you guys are saying.

But munch on this.

Your jazzed-up Yukon story
is getting international buzz.

The guy rubbing sticks together?

Two followers.

CLARK [wheezing]: And we're back, live.

The bug buffet didn't really work out,

so Jack set up a trap to
show us how to catch game.

The key to catching
game? Be deadly silent

and don't bring a wheezing asthmatic.

CLARK: Clearly, we're both "hangry."

Luckily, this forest boasts a
cornucopia of delicious fruits.

You didn't eat those little red
berries, did you? They're poisonous.

CLARK: No.

Clark, we got something!

Remember, no matter the size,

even a trapped animal can be dangerous.

CLARK: Oh, look, a rabbit!

JACK: It's not a rabbit.

CLARK: Jack, this isn't my
first time in the forest.

It's my second. So why...

Ow! God!

It's not a rabbit, Jack, it's a pussum.

Do you mean "possum"?

Yeah, exactly. A pussum.

You're pronouncing
it wrong. It's possum.

Oh, that pussum got me good.

Clark, do you think there's a chance

that you're pronouncing it wrong?

Yeah, I mean, sure.
Anything is pussible.

Okay, look, this is not staged.

There's no emergency crew standing by.

It's real...

Are you bleeding out of the mouth?

No. I ate the berries.

Oh, God.

Okay, I need something to make
a tourniquet for your wound,

so I can focus on figuring
out how to pump your stomach.

Damn it.

Hit record, Mom.

[sighs]

What up, work puss-e?

He means work posse.

Well, we did it our way,

and while we weren't as
successful as we had hoped...

Any more to that thought, Jack?

You'd think so. But no.

It was pretty bad, wasn't it?

On the contrary, Jack. Aaron
here says he has some news.

Yeah. Uh, my producers saw
your live Internet feed,

and turns out they like
what you did so much

they want to talk potential TV series.

See? Look, I'm not
gonna do a reality show,

but I am happy to prove that
there is still an audience

for a real outdoor experience
without any gimmicks.

No matter what Pearl Jam Professor Snape

tried to tell us.

Right. Right.

Let's take a look at the
trailer they put together.

NARRATOR: In a world where
adventurers are kings,

the four-eyed man is blind.

This fall, on Nat Geo...

I just got bit by the pussum.

One question will be asked.

Will he die this week?

Yeah, sure. I mean,
anything is pussible.

NARRATOR: Very pussible!

What kind of a simple-minded
fool would enjoy that?

Oh, my God, that show looks hilarious!

But Clark, you do know

it's pronounced "possum," right?

Exactly. Pussum.

Are you guys pranking me?

- Say awesome.
- Awesome.

Now put a "P" in front of it. Pawesome.

Now say "possum."

Pussum.

Hey, Jack.

Look.

You know I respect the
schnizz out of your principles.

But I'm not gonna let you make

the same mistake you made ten years ago.

Look, I'm never gonna do that
show. It's an abomination.

I am just glad that Emma and
Mason weren't here to see this.

Oh, they saw it, and
they went crazy about it.

I've never seen them so fired up.

Well, other than that time I pointed out

what a pay phone looks like,

I have officially taught them nothing.

Yeah. And with your new show,
you can teach millions more

the same thing.

So what do you say, Jack?

When are you gonna get it
through that dirty janitor's mop

that Jack Gordon will never sell out?

I'm gonna do the show.

Until right now. Bam,
Jack, what is happening?

If I can't even get Emma and
Mason to like the outdoors,

let alone the rest of the world,

why not just abandon
my ideals and get rich?

Bro.

That's my motto.

BROOKE: You're doing the show?

What about authenticity?

Authenticity?

Check out the two reporters

"broadcasting" from the same room

Esther felt me up in
at the Christmas party.

Jack, if I've told you once,
I've told you a hundred times.

I was just trying to touch your penis.

Well, at least they've gotten
more convincing at shivering.

Jack, I think they might
actually be in the Yukon.

Nah, if they were, they'd be complaining

it's cold as balls.

And it's cold as balls!

MASON: But to answer your question,

we felt really bad
misleading our viewers.

That's not what Outdoor Limits is about.

Right. Our magazine is
about substance, integrity

and day-drinking.

MASON: Three things we've learned

from our deeply committed
maniac of a boss, Jack Gordon.

The caribou are so
beautiful, I can't even.

Yeah. Guys, you have to come up here.

It is so bleak.

We found a frozen corpse

still locked upright in
his cross-country skis.

But when you do come up here,

do not wear these yoga
pants, because they're trash.

Garbage.

Need some more of this stuff.

Oh, my God.

I have had an impact on them.

They've learned journalistic integrity.

And as a bonus,

they're miserable.

Aaron, I'm sorry.

I can't do the show.

Even though you reach a lot more people,

the work we're doing here is important.

Wow.

I want to get your integrity pregnant.

- Oh, my.
- You are engaged.

Yeah, but I'm not married.

You sure about this?

Yeah, he's sure about it, bro.

You know what, I don't care
if you do have a daughter.

It is clobbering time.

JACK: Aaron, it was
good to see you again.

It was, wasn't it?

You know, I know we have our
differences, but in a way,

it's cool that we found
a path for each of us.

[grunts]

The Choctaw Nation was right about you.

You're okay.

It's time to go to sleep, guy.

The Sandman is here.

Can we make plans?

Oh, absolutely. I'll text you.

Come here.

All right, I'm gonna go
grab an apple for the road.

[straining]

[howls]

I know what you did,
you sly son of a bitch.

What... We were at w*r.
I-I was following orders.

Wait, hang on. What,
what's this in reference to?

Hiding behind your book the
entire time Aaron Wolf was here.

Well, I read your little story
about the cobras in India.

And when the British interfered,

they only made it worse.

And so the lesson was, sometimes,

the best way to solve a
problem is to leave it alone.

And that's exactly what
you did, didn't you?

Yes, that s-sounds
exactly like what I did.

Mm. Damn, I'm good.

Yeah. You walk around
here acting all drunk,

but every move is a
part of your master plan.

You're absolutely right, Jack.

Now I want you to go across the street,

get me a mocha Frappuccino
and know, the whole time,

that it's all part of an
important, hidden lesson.

[laughs]

[whispering]: I'm gonna figure it out.

[exhales sharply, giggles]