01x18 - Party Paul

[bunniefuu]

Ugh, I'm so hungover.

My head feels like it was curb
stomped by a Shetland pony.

Well, you see, that's the
beauty of continued drinking.

I'll never know that feeling.

Dad, where were you last night?

You were supposed to have
dinner with my fiancé,

- and you never showed up.
- Brooke.

Let's not play the blame game, eh?

But if we must,

it was all Jack's fault.

- What?
- It's-it's an embarrassing story,

but, uh.... but Jack will be
happy to share it with you.

You're up, kid.

Yeah, uh, I was at...

a dinner with a client, and
my card got declined, and...

No, no, no, no, that's not it at all.

No, no, what happened was,

Jack was arrested for
soliciting a prost*tute

in the Mike Ditka steakhouse.

Yeah.

I've been so lonely

since Rachel and I broke up...

Just stop.

I had Emma hack your phone
to see where you were.

CLARK: Whoa.

How many bars did you guys hit?

Were you guys chasing Ms. Pac-Man?

This is how I keep tabs on my boyfriend.

I thought Greg might be hiding

some twisted, secret life from me.

[sighs]: He wasn't.

Dad, Paul was really looking forward

to spending some time with you.

And instead, you flaked
to go boozing with Jack.

Darling, I wish

there was something I could
say to make you feel better.

JACK: I'm sorry.

I had no idea that Roland made
plans with Paul last night.

I also had no idea
that Roland was so good

at riding a mechanical bull.

It's not your fault.

I've been trying so hard to
get my dad to connect with Paul,

and he just keeps making excuses.

I mean, Paul's invited him
to a pasta making class,

a Fabergé egg exhibit...

He even got him tickets to
Walking with Dinosaurs.

All great activities if Paul
were an eight-year-old boy

and Roland, his
whimsical, British nanny.

Yeah, you're right.

They're completely different people.

I don't know what to do.

Look, why don't I invite Paul

out for a drink tonight
with Roland and I,

and I'm sure I can help them
find something in common.

Really? You think you can do that?

Of course. But I have to warn you,

I am the best wingman around,

so there's a % chance
they end up dry humping.

Yeah, it's worth the risk.

[eagle screeches]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Guys, I have an emergency.

Last night, I was at that
cool new underground bar

where everyone sh**t
each other with BB g*ns.

[gasps]: You got into Welt?

Yeah. And I met this hottie,

but when I woke up, I
had three new numbers,

- and I can't tell which one is theirs.
- Oh, bro,

I know what that's like. I mix
up my mom's boyfriends' numbers

all the time.

Give me the digits.

I'll find out.

And, Clark, is your mom being safe?

I've always wanted a little
brother, so I hope not.

Ooh, seems to be a
bigger portion than usual.

It is. I stopped eating off the plates

as I carry them over from the kitchen.

And when did you quit behaving

like a meth addict after a concert?

Well, I had my yearly physical,
and I'm in much worse shape

than my last yearly
physical eight years ago.

So I'm on a diet now.

It's been hard, but I stuck to it,

and I'm pretty proud of myself.

- How long has it been?
- An hour.

So, Jack, now, this mystery guest

that's gonna be joining us.

I have to warn you, the
last time I played this game,

I ended up paying
years of child support.

Oh. How is Vincenzo?

Molto bene, Jack.

But come on, give me a clue.

Who's it gonna be, hey?

Jack, Roland.

It's me. It's Paul.

Um, Paul, I'm so sorry.

- No, please, this seat is-is taken.
- Oh.

We're expecting a mystery guest.

Oh.

Okay, so I tracked
the three phone numbers

to these three people.

Yes. That's Damien on the left.

I'm gonna sh**t him a text.

You sure? Kendall
looks way more exciting.

Well, do you know
what's really exciting?

Predictability.

That's why you should go with Ted. Ugh.

Only if you want some
guy who gets all judgy

when you do whippets at his church.

Emma, we get it.

You're bored with your boyfriend.

Don't give up

on all the nice guys,

because there's a great
one right in front of you.

Ted.

Can we get back to Damien?

Ew. Ted looks like a guy

who brags about working at State Farm.

Because it's a great company!

Well, you convinced me, Paul.

Competitive kite flying is just like

when Roland's parachute didn't
open over the Columbia Gorge.

Roland, did you know Paul
is also into photography?

Really? I spent five years
capturing the brutal conflict

in the Sudan. What do you sh**t?

Mostly babies coming out of produce.

Check it out.

I fit these triplets
into a summer squash.

That is infinitely more disturbing

than anything I've ever photographed.

Here you go, fellas. Two whiskeys,

and a light beer for Paul.

Actually, I-I ordered the light beer.

Because I'm secretly a sorority pledge.

But, Paul, you should enjoy

your bourbon that
you definitely ordered.

[chuckles]: It's
actually a Scotch, Jack.

You can tell by the color.

Looks like a... Glen MacManus .

. We're not on a spring break.

But, um, very keen eye, Paul.

I didn't know you were a Scotch man.

My grandfather owned a distillery.

Well, what do you know?
My grandfather drowned

in a distillery.

Look at you two bonding over Scotch.

And nothing else.

I'll get another round in, shall I?

I really shouldn't have
another drink, Jack.

Plus, me and my bro signed up
for a sunrise pottery class.

Gotcha. It's just gonna be me.

Look, this is why you came out tonight.

If you want to bond with
Roland, you need to drink.

Don't think of it as peer pressure.

It's just what you
have to do to be liked.

I never thought it would happen to me,

but there I was,

in the bathroom with two stewardesses.

One of them grabs me by the shoulder,

the other one pushes me
against the wall and says,

“Sir, please take your seat.

You are having a panic att*ck.”

Yes.

I have a very similar story

but with a totally different ending.

Has Brooke ever mentioned
her half brother Vincenzo?

[laughs] Good one.

Next round's on me.

I'm beginning to understand
what the kids mean when they say

they like something “ironically.”

See? He's not so bad.

Oh, I suppose if I get drunk enough

for the rest of my life,
I could tolerate him.

Now you're talking like a father-in-law.

Come on, let's get Brainy Smurf home.

Hmm.

Where'd he go?

Eddie, have you seen Paul?

This doesn't count. It's my cheat day.

[knocking]

I know Paul's not answering the phone,

but is this really necessary?

Look, we'll both feel
better knowing he got home.

I'm sure he's in there doing
typical drunken guy stuff,

like poaching a chicken for tomorrow.

Jack? Dad?

W-What's going on? Where's Paul?

That's a great question,

and one which Jack will
happily answer right now.

You're up, kid.

Uh, Paul was getting cold
during our bros' night,

and so we swung by to get his scarf.

No, no, no, that's not it at all.

No, Paul specifically
asked for his coat.

Sure.

This is not how improv works.

You're wrong, Jack.

Well, this one's a bit
heavy, but it should work.

Wait, why didn't Paul come
up to get his own coat?

That's a great question,

which Roland will
answer right now. Roland?

You're up, kid.

We got Paul so drunk

that he's wandering the
streets of Chicago by himself.

[forced laughing]

It's funny 'cause it's not true.

[chuckles]

Well, clearly you're
up to some shenanigans.

I'm glad you're having
a good time, but, uh,

please don't actually let
Paul drink too much, okay?

His allergy medicine and
alcohol do not mix well.

Last month, he had a
glass of wine, blacked out

and signed up for three years
of sunrise pottery classes.

[chuckles]

Thanks, Jack.

You're welcome.

We lost Paul.

Wow, you guys got here quick.

Oh, we were already here working so hard

on that hiking guide.

[all laugh]

No, these guys are helping me
pick which hottie to ask out.

Huh.

Th-There's two men and a woman.

Hold on.

So, this means, in fact, that you are...

bi...

Lingual?

Sí, claro.

I'm fluent in Spanish.

Right, right, right, I
mean, but you're also bi...

Racial? Mm, sort of.

My grandfather was Dutch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh,
fun stuff, but, uh...

you're also bi...

Coastal, no.

I've spent my whole
life here in Chicago.

Where I have sex with
both men and women.

Jack, I'm bisexual.

Wow.

Mason...

thank you for trusting me.

[quietly]: Did they know?

- Of course.
- Obvi.

Time to get woke, bro.

You are so brave.

I just want you to know, I'm an ally.

[all groan]

I go to a predominantly gay gym.

- Stop.
- Uh...

And I enjoy the attention.

[loud groaning]

Anyway, we got an emergency, uh,

I got Paul super drunk,
and now he's wandering

somewhere in the city,
not answering his phone.

Emma, do you think you
can use your hacking skills

to find his location, like
you did with Roland and me?

I don't know. That
could take me hours to...

He's the blue dot.

Oh, my God.

He's in the most dangerous
place in the city of Chicago.

The South Side?

No.

Worse.

WOMAN: Listen, you knocked up bitch,

if you're gonna eat for two,
you'd better tip for two.

[laughter]

Ah, the world-famous Wieners Circle.

Where the customer is always right...

on the verge of tears.

Jack “the Skank” Gordon.

I thought I smelled genital antibiotics.

[laughter]

Oh, Val, it was a small price to pay

for our passionate night together.

Cut the small talk, Bruce Wayne.

Why don't you and Alfred
order, then go back

to doing hand stuff in the Batcave?

Did she just refer to me as your butler?

Excuse me, madam,

it should be clear that
I am the wealthy one.

Then why did I just see your janky ass

pull up in an UberPool?

[laughter]

Don't you throw shade at me, missy,

or I'll buy the next-door lot,

build a tower, and then throw
shade literally back at you.

Val,

we're looking for a
friend. He's pretty drunk.

You probably described him
as “Banana Republic bitch”

or, uh, “gay Tom Hanks.”

Oh, you mean Paul?

Yeah, he left his phone here.

- He did? Can we have it?
- Hold up.

Is this crumpet muncher
his future father-in-law?

[laughter]

[laughing]: Yeah. Why?

You said you can only
stand him when you're drunk.

Why you so mean, you
Downton Abbey bitch?

He must have heard us at the bar.

Why don't you Brexit, Susan Boyle?

Or this won't be pretty.

I'll tell you what's
not pretty, baby girl,

those fake-ass nails.

What, Jack? They're ratchet.

Found Paul's phone. Emma,

see if there's any clues on
here about where he might be.

Roland and I will keep looking.

And not a word to Brooke.

Oh, and, uh,

love wins.

Jack would have made a really
good supportive mom in .

You think you can hack into it?

I don't know. This
thing's hella encrypted.

I'll try my best. Done.

[phone chimes] Crap, it's Brooke.

“Hey, sweetie. Hope
you got your jacket.”

We better answer it, or she's
gonna think something's up.

“Thanks, baby.

You're the best.”

There. [phone chimes]

"“You must be so hot right now”"

Whoa, Brooke.

Naughty much?

Two can spit this game.

“Yeah, so hot I'm on fire.”

[phone chimes]

"“Maybe you should
take something off”"

Oh, she thirsty.

Parched.

“I wish you could
take it off for me.”

[both laughing]

[chuckles nervously]

Wh-What are you guys doing?

We're sexting Brooke.

Oh, my God, we're sexting Brooke!

Ew! I don't want it either!

[phone chimes]

Crap, she replied back!

“I can't picture
it being that hard.”

What does that mean?

It can only mean one thing.

BOTH: Brooke wants a
picture of his penis.

Hey, you guys find Paul yet?

No. We checked the nearest
police station, hospital,

and Jo-Ann Fabrics.

He'd been to all three but none today.

That's all right.

You may not have succeeded, but
you tried for almost two hours,

and that's what really matters.

You're back to eating off
your customers' plates again,

aren't you?

Yeah.

Joe?

Roland,

we-we don't have time for a drink.

All the Color Me Mines will
be letting out in five minutes.

We can't just leave Paul out there.

Counterpoint:

yes, we can.

Paul is your future son-in-law,

and he's out there
because you insulted him.

Seriously, what is
your problem with him?

You want to know what my problem is?

He's not you.

Yeah, I'm also smoking again.

Guys, Brooke's waiting.

We need to sack up and pick a penis.

What about that sensible one,
peeking out of those khakis?

Now, that's a trouser champ

that'll bring you soup when you're sick.

I don't know.

It's just so... safe.

How 'bout this bad boy,

with the five o'clock
shadow and the squint?

Guys, we're not trying to pick
the perfect penis for us...

We're trying to pick the
perfect penis for Paul.

You know what, I'm calling it.

We're going with... that one. [click]

And sent.

Guys, we really crushed this.

Jack would be proud.

And so would Paul.

What do you mean I'm not Paul?

I mean Brooke deserves someone strong,

like you.

Someone-someone who'll challenge her

and isn't afraid to challenge me.

Paul is like...

if they made marshmallows less spicy.

Well, people are strong
in different ways.

My close, bisexual
friend Mason, for example,

he shows strength every single day.

Jack, you know just what I mean.

I've seen how you and Brooke

bring out the best in each other.

Paul isn't like that.

The man doesn't fight for what he wants.

But then again, maybe you don't either.

Well, I hate to break it to you,
but Brooke's made her choice.

And whether you like it or not,

Paul is here to stay.

Where is my fiancé?

Unless we've lost him forever.

Sorry, Jack.

We sent the wrong penis.

There are no wrong penises.

I can't believe you lost Paul.

And did you honestly
think I wouldn't recognize

my own fiancé's penis?

Honestly, we just assumed
you two banged in the dark.

Yeah, that-that's pretty on brand.

But everyone loves in their own way.

And that's okay.

I can't believe you would
pressure Paul to drink.

You know he wasn't supposed to
mix alcohol with his medication.

Ah, yes, but, in our defense,

we lost him way before
we had that information.

Dad, why can't you just
accept the man I love?

You've never even given him a chance.

EMMA: I could track

where he's been using his credit cards.

But even for the best hackers,
that could take... Got it.

MASON: Looks like he just used an ATM

at Orchard and Halsted.

I know where he's going.

To express his feelings through song.

That's definitely on brand.

[playing dramatic flourish]

[applause]

And that was “Piano Man.”

And I'm sorry for all the profanity.

Gotcha! I'm not sorry.

I'm furious with my
future father-in-law.

No, it's worse than I thought.

He's deep in the Billy Joel catalog.

Speak of the devil.

Fans, if you really want to know
who did start the fire,

he's standing right over there!

Come on, come on.

Let's get you out of here
before you pay any more tribute

to that swine who stole
Christie Brinkley from me.

Do you not even recognize this place?

I brought you here
to ask your permission

- to propose to Brooke.
- Well, to be honest,

I don't really remember
most of my own proposals.

Y-You know what your answer was?

“I'll think about
it”" Who says that?

I have to put an end to this. Wait.

I'll tell you who says
that, a protective father

who thinks his daughter is
worth just a little bit more

than the kind of man
who spends his free time

photographing infants
emerging from gourds.

How dare you bring “Munchkins
in Melons” into this?!

ROLAND: I told you

I'd continue to think about it,

and I will continue to think about it

until you've proved to me
that you're the kind of man

who deserves my daughter.

Will someone stop this bloody stage?!

PAUL: You know what?

Forget it. I don't care anymore.

I don't want or need your approval.

Oh, is that so?

Oh, it is so.

Because all that matters is
that I love Brooke, and...

...and I will do everything
in the world to protect her

and make her happy.

And I dare you,

I dare you to try and stop me.

You seriously have
the balls to sit there

and say that...

almost to my face?!

Because...

that is exactly what I wanted to hear.

Wow, you did it.

You actually brought
them closer together.

And all it took was a $
bar tab and a citywide manhunt.

Thanks.

I'm starting to see why
my dad likes you so much.

Brooke,

everyone likes me.

Oh, my gosh.

This is incredible.

You two, together,

out in a booth.

, people!

We all had a hand in this,

and it got better!