01x22 - The Company Retreat

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Great Indoors". Aired: October 2016 to May 2017.
"The Great Indoors" revolves around an adventure reporter for the magazine "Outdoor Limits". His days of exploring the world end when he is assigned to supervise the new young online team.
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01x22 - The Company Retreat

Post by bunniefuu »

And so, for this
weekend's company retreat,

it is the strict policy

of Outdoor Limits that we do not condone

drinking, drug use or sexual activity.

You two know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, we do. Up top.

I'm not touching that.

Yeah. That's what you
said at the last retreat...

but she really came around.

Now that I've read

this official disclaimer from corporate,

forget all of it!

Here are your drink tickets.

Come on, guys, we don't need alcohol

to enjoy hanging out with our coworkers.

Brooke's right. Let me call my weed guy.

Man, oh, man.

Am I jealous of you young g*n.

What I wouldn't give to go back
and lose my retreat virginity

or just my virginity-virginity.

Yeah, dude. Now that you
and Emma are on good terms,

perfect time to make a move.

Yeah. She did just break up with Greg,

she got jealous of me and Nikki

and she posted on Facebook

that she's ready to
make some mistakes, so...

are we sure she's not too vulnerable?


Jack, do you, uh, have a moment?

There's been a bit of a
natural disaster in my office.

It's a mudslide.

Yes, Sheryl got me this so
I could make green juice.

It's like she doesn't know me at all.

Why does that always happen
when you marry a total stranger?

Now, Jack, I've got some news for you.

After this retreat,

I'm going to be leaving Outdoor

for three months.

Do you stay up late

to figure out the most
confusing way to say things?


Through Sheryl's contacts,

I've got the chance to embed myself

with the Papavo tribe in Brazil.

Wow, that's amazing.

The Papavo have never
been observed by outsiders.

In fact, some believe they don't exist.

They're like the “Clark's
high school girlfriend”

of native tribes.

You can imagine then it's the
chance of a lifetime for me

and for the Papavo tribe
'cause I'm a lot of fun.

I should be jealous as hell,

but I'm actually
pretty comfortable here.

Which is why I feel confident

in leaving you in charge
of the whole enterprise.

For three months?

I bought hummus today.

You'll be back before it expires.

Still, before I depart...

For less than one season of Big Brother.

...I want to give you some advice.

Being a leader is-is
not just about the work,

it's about the people.

I want you to help
them as I've helped you.

Challenge them.

Help them achieve their dreams.

Well, I-I guess I could try

and help Clark achieve
his biggest dream.

You really think you can
get the Harlem Globetrotters

to come and play at his birthday party?

Second biggest dream.

Okay, are you sure it's
okay if I go this weekend?

I feel bad taking off right
after we pushed the wedding.

No, it'll be good for us
to have some time apart

to think about what we want.

But you have fun getting
drunk in the same woods

where you once made
love with a coworker.

“Made love.”

We barely made eye contact.

Always reassuring to see you, Jack.

You look excited.

Did you rip another
shirt just by flexing?

That's part of it...

but I'm mostly excited
because I know two people

who are definitely
hooking up this weekend.


Brooke's engaged.

Don't do something you might regret.

Guys, don't worry.

I totally respect Brooke's relationship

with the kid from The Wonder Years.

Clark, this weekend

I'm gonna help you achieve
your dream of getting with Emma.

[eagle screeches]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Ah, love is in the air, Clark.

You ready for your dream to come true?

Yeah, but what do I say to her?

What do you want to say to her?

That she's the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I want to spend the rest of my
life with her on a back porch

doing crossword puzzles in the rain

while a three-legged rescue dog

rocks our biracial baby to sleep.


but now channel all
that madness into this:



Oh, hey.

So, Carol's bringing a
keg out to the mud baths,

but I don't want to
get my clothes dirty.

Could you come hold mine while I hop in?

[slowly]: 'Sup.

Yeah, never mind.

I doubt you came to
this retreat thinking,

“Oh, I hope I get
to see Emma naked.”


Come back.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She just gave you the perfect in.

I know that,

but I just realized
that I hadn't called Greg

and asked for his blessing.

Her ex?!

You never call the other guy.

Good lord, how has your bloodline

continued for this long?

I just feel like calling him
is the decent thing to do.

Fine. If this will eliminate
your last excuse, do it now.

It's going to voice mail.

Hey, Greg, it's Clark.

Um, Emma's at the retreat
and you need to know

that I'm gonna make my move tonight.

She is worth fighting for

and I am done being a total wuss.

Boom! I did it!

Now what?

Meet me at this cabin
in two and a half hours.

I have a foolproof plan...

which for you means / .


Tell me, do you always travel

with the entire drum kit for Rush?

I only brought the essentials.

I am confiscating these luxuries

so you can witness nature
as the good Lord intended.


In person.

Oh, can you give me a
hand with the AC unit?

Oh, thanks for coming.

I need your help getting
Clark and Emma to hook up.

Aw. Wait, hang on.

Isn't this the same cabin where
we hooked up five years ago?

Oh, I don't know.

Does this sound familiar?

[wood creaking rhythmically]

Yeah, that went on
longer than I remember.


Ah, cheap drinks,
squalid cabin, condoms...

Yeah, what can I say?

I'm a romantic.


Sorry. I didn't see anything.

Clark, get back in here.

I decorated this cabin
because this is where

you're gonna make your
move with Emma tonight.


What kind of desperate
woman would allow themselves

to be seduced in this
filthy raccoon hovel?

That sounds like a Brooke question.

Yeah, well, in my defense,
without my contacts in

that bag of fertilizer
looked like a mattress.

All right, well, if
I'm bringing Emma here,

I'm gonna have to redecorate it for her.

This place looks like
where Leatherface goes

to work on his novel.

All right, while he's redecorating,

we need your help with
the Emma side of things.

Okay. Well, I can talk to Emma

and see if her heart's
ready for a new romance...

or I could get her drunk.

Drunk works, remember?

[wood creaking rhythmically]

Hey. Did you see Clark
in those cargo shorts?


If I wasn't engaged,

Mama would've stuffed her hands

in all nine of those pockets.

Yeah, he has been looking pretty cute,

but you and I have different tastes.

You like nice, safe guys.

Oh, Paul's not that safe.

He wore a helmet in spin class.

Well, that's unfair.

He-he forgot to take it off
after he drove over there.

I guess I just don't
want to date another Greg.

I want a guy who really gets me

and who isn't afraid to fight for me.

Well, that does sound nice.

Paul's less of a fighter,

more of a lover of anything argyle.


But-but-but you, you
should keep an open mind.

The right person may be in
front of you the whole time.

Hey, Emma.

Funny running into you at
this mandatory work event.

Dude, be careful tonight.

I think Brooke wants
to hook up with you.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

So, uh... after Carol's bonfire

do you want to take a
walk with me in the dark

to an abandoned cabin at
the edge of the forest?


See you then.


Y'all see that? [chuckles]

I was like, you, me, moonlit walk.

She's like, “Why wait
for the moonlight?”

“Why can't we go right now?”

I'm like, “Slow down,
babes, I got stuff to do.”

Ain't that right, Greg?


What are you doing here?!

I got your voice mail.

I'm here to win Emma back.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Clark, finish your
incredibly cocky story.

Hey, Clark. What's Emma's ex-boyfriend

doing at our company retreat?

Well, I got Clark's voice mail.

Reception was a little spotty,

but the message came
through loud and clear.

Hey, Greg. It's Clark.

Emma's at the retreat and you
need to... [static scratches]

...make a move tonight.

She is worth fighting for and I'm...

[static scratches]

...a total wuss.

Yeah, that's what I
get for using a phone

I won playing Skee-Ball.

I'm gonna handle this.
Greg, can I talk to you?

Wow. I can't believe Greg
drove all the way up here

to fight for Emma.

Hey, Clark said he was handling this,

which means Emma and Greg
will be married before you are.

Yeah, I told that guy to take a hike...

- That's great, Clark.
- Wait for it.

...straight to the romantic cabin

I tricked out just for Emma.

- Called it.
- What is wrong with you?

Maybe I'm not the guy
to make Emma happy.

I mean, Greg drove up here
in a suit to win her back.

Meanwhile, I need you
guys to hold my hand

through every move I make.

I'm sorry. I had no
idea I was doing that.

Clark, you're a sweet kid.

But calling the other
guy? That's Clarking it.

No more Clarking it.

From now on, you need
to go for what you want.

Be more like me and just Jack it.

- What?
- Right now?

I've been Jacking it all my life.

When I was getting bullied at school,

I didn't run away.

I stood in the middle of the playground

and just Jacked it.

I think what Jack is
trying to say, poorly,

is that there is nothing more attractive

than a man who goes for what he wants.

Right. So get rid of Greg, and now

go tell Emma how you feel.

Okay, you h*t me with
a lot of stuff there.

That tends to happen when you Jack it.


- Wait a minute...
- Um, well, I...

This is all my stuff.

[chuckles] You're busted.

Don't you “you're
busted” me, young man.

I deserve this.

I'm shortly gonna be
roughing it in a place

where your shirt,
shelter and toilet paper

is the same banana leaf.

Do you think there's
enough apricot facial scrub

for both of us?


Okay, it's go time. You ready?

I will be, as soon as
Brooke lets go of my hand.

I swear, I don't even know I'm doing it.


- we need to talk.
- Cool.

Can we do it while you help me take

some of this weird stuff down?

I think it's gonna freak Emma out.

Wait, “weird” stuff?

No, I filled this room with
all of Emma's favorite things.

Are you talking about
the bag of fertilizer

with a sheet on it?


How do you not know
this stuff about her?

I don't know, I guess
because our relationship

was mostly physical. [groans]

- Ooh, that one hurt.
- That one makes sense.

Greg, look, you're a great guy

and a close friend,

and I'm sorry that you had
to race all the way up here.

It would have been nice
to finish my job interview.

But you don't get Emma like I do.

She's the most amazing girl,

and I want to spend the
rest of my life with her

sitting on a back porch doing
crossword puzzles in the rain.

- Because she loves rain.
- No!

Because she loves Portland!

And I want to be her Portland.

So, look, I don't want
to have to fight you.

Well, I don't want to
have to fight you, either.

This is scary.

I'd rather just hug you
and say “good luck.”

Let's do that!

You clearly get Emma
way better than I do.

Anyway, I should probably go.

I have to return this suit
before Men's Wearhouse closes.

Good luck.

[floorboard creaks]

Greg, one hug is
enough, you silly goose.

Did you really mean all that stuff

you just said about me?


Yeah. [sighs]

Just as I planned it.

Wow, this is amazing.

But should we go somewhere
Jack and Brooke aren't

creeping on us through the window?

I think you're right
about Brooke liking me.

Girlfriend's been trying
to hold my hand all weekend.


Yeah, I did it!

They kissed.

I'm amazing.

And, Brooke,

you were there, too.

I can't believe it.

Clark got the girl of his dreams,

and Emma got someone
who will fight for her.

Lucky lady. [chuckles]

You call that fighting?

It was like watching two raptors

trying to keep their nails dry.

Still, thanks for the assist.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of like

the last time we wound up in this cabin.

You wanted to do all the work,

and I ended up needing to lend a hand.

All I'm hearing is that
we make a great team.

And that kiss was pretty amazing.

Yeah. Might have been
the second-best kiss

to happen in here.

[laughs] Might have been the first-best.

You are mis-remembering.

I don't think I am.

Don't make me remind you.

Ah, we're busted.

Roland, I need to talk to you now.

Mason, out.

Jack, you don't stop in the middle

of a five-step foot rejuvenation.

Clark and Emma kissed.

I came here to talk about me,

but why doesn't the Showcase
Showdown winner go first?

Jack, I'm... I'm not
the rugged outdoorsman

I once was.

I mean, I-I can handle it in the jungle,

of course I could, it's just that

I don't want to.

It's three months.

You'll be gone zero oil changes.

I know, but it's more than
just the comforts of home.

I'll miss Sheryl.

I think wife number seven

really could be “the one.”

I have an idea.

Let me go to Brazil in your place.

I've been thinking a
lot about what you said,

and you were right about me.

Oh, you have been skipping
leg day at the gym.


That I-I care about the people
at Outdoor Limits.

Can you really tell about my legs?

Oh, forget those hairy bamboo sh**t,

go on with what you were saying.

I-I just think that by being here,

I'm making things more complicated

for certain people
who would be better off

if I just cleared out for a while.

Where's all this coming from?

I don't want to talk
about it, but last night

I did something I might regret.

Well, I know it wasn't squats.

[phone ringing]

You hooked up with Brooke again.

How did you know it was me calling?

I figured I'd hear from you,

so I've been answering
the bar phone like this

all weekend. I have fun.

No, I didn't hook up with Brooke.

Almost did, but then,
I really Clarked it.

I don't know what that means.

I called the other guy.

Brooke, hi, it's me.

It's Paul.

I'm at your company retreat.

Honey, what are you doing here?

Jack called and reminded me

how lucky I am to have you.

He told me to man up and come get you.

So I raced all the way here,
without my driving helmet.

You're here to fight for me?

Well, for us.

I just, I want to do everything I can

to make this work.

Come on, I know a secluded cabin.

You're gonna wish you'd
brought your helmet.

Ugh, that retreat was crazy.

Last thing I remember was
drinking Esther's moonshine

out of her mouth.

She was so drunk she
doesn't remember anything?

The kiss, the long walk,

you falling into that bonfire?

I think all the hay
fever medicine in my mouth

caused some sort of super blackout.

- I'm sorry, buddy
- It's all good.

How many guys get a second chance

at a first kiss with
the girl of their dreams?

So are you going back to pining for her,

or are you actually gonna make a move?

Anything's possible.

Uh, if I can have everyone's attention.

I think you all know how desperate I was

to go to Brazil, but the fact is

I've decided to let Jack go instead.

Yes, I've made the ultimate sacrifice.

- Jack's going on your trip?
- Mm-hmm.

If you want to join, I'm on my way

to say good-bye at Eddie's.

Sweet Jack, I'm coming for you!

Wow, a lot of craziness.

Jack's leaving, Roland's staying,

you kissed Clark.

Yeah, so crazy.

I mean...

You do remember.

I knew it.


Well, Eddie, it's been fun

living with you here in Chicago.

While one of us is risking our lives

in one of the deadliest
places in the world,

you'll be in Brazil.

Have fun.

Aw, thanks for coming down.

I'm actually gonna miss you guys.

You're only going for three months.

Don't be such a little bitch.

Wait, who are you?

Uh, Donny, from legal.

I thought we were just going to lunch.

So, you're going back into the field.

I guess you finally got
everything you wanted.

No, not everything.

But how much would I really use

a World w*r II t*nk?

I feel like there's a
lot we're not saying.

Yes. And with me leaving,
we don't have to.

Does that make me a hero?

Of course it does.

Actually, it makes you a sensitive guy

who runs away every time he's confronted

with real feelings.


I like my version better.


All right, I got a prop
plane to catch, you guys.

You got to get to these
Brazilian flights early

or they give up your
seat to a bale of cocaine.

I'm just sorry that Clark
isn't here to say good-bye.

Mason, did I hug you?

[groan from bag]

There you go.

All right


[pained groan]



CLARK: Oh, yeah, I think he knows.

Actually, I don't need this bag.

If you guys see Clark,
tell him I said good-bye.

No! No, Jack!

Jack, wait for me!
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