01x08 - D&D

[bunniefuu]

Troops, we're running
low on fresh water,

so I must speak against this
ridiculous new trend of hand-washing.

Sir, I heard that hand-washing
prevents dysentery.

Oh, I'm sorry, Collins, are
you a physician or a barber?

[LAUGHTER] I didn't think so.

Now, time for my newest invention.

One that shall surely turn
the tide in this conflict.

A musket with a spy glass
attached. I'm calling it...

the "Eyesaac."

- So just your name?
- Right.

But instead of the letter "I,"

I'm spelling it with the word "eye"...

E-Y-E... at the front.

Point is, close combat will
soon be a thing of the past,

because the Eyesaac, E-Y-E,

allows for accurate
targeting of up to...

and I kid you not... yards.

- [APPLAUSE]
- [SMUG CHUCKLE]

Glory be, I've got eyes
on a British officer.

Now, of course it would
be dishonorable to engage

while, you know, he's unarmed.

Quite a striking fellow.

He's fit of body,

well-groomed,

ready for action. [CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Right.

Well, lots of w*r stuff to do.

Battle is nigh. And remember,

do not sh**t them until

you see the green of his eyes.

Their eyes.

Till you see the green of their eyes.

I actually didn't notice
if he had green eyes.

They had green eyes.

♪

Oh, I gotta find a
way out of this crypt.

I'm not getting eaten by a purple worm.

Eaten by a worm?

This game seems stressful.

This is what Jay does to relax?

Dungeons & Dragons
isn't about relaxation,

it's about adventure.

Yeah. Nothing says adventure like eating

a family-size bag of chips by yourself.

Okay, Jay, you're gonna have
to make a decision. Do you...

Oh, come on. Not again.

- I'm sorry, guys, my Internet cut out again.
- Yeah, we know.

It's happened, like, times already.

Yeah, well, what do you
expect? It's rural Internet.

You guys get it. You're from Queens.

That's practically the country.

Jay, we moved downtown,
by Brett and Shayla.

You did? Wait. Who's Brett and Shayla?

NEAL: You haven't met Brett yet? Okay.

He is hilarious. He fits right in.

We met him at a pub quiz.

[GROANS] Oh...

I'm confused. Is this part of the game?

Unfortunately, I think the
only game being played here

is an adult man trying to
maintain long-distance friendships.

I don't get it. Couldn't...
a hotspot or something?

Oh, great, you're back.
Hey, can you hear me?

Do we just ask Brett to take Jay's spot?

What? Brett can't have my spot. No way.

What are you thinking, should
we just k*ll Jay's character?

No, guys, I can hear you.

I'm sad to lose Jay. But Brett? Hello?

I hate Brett.

Wow. Hard to imagine feeling
this betrayed by friends.

Didn't your best friend
sleep with your wife?

Yes, Sasappis. Thank you
for that helpful example.

So you want me to just
take down the whole shed?

Yeah, it's kind of an eyesore.

Oh.

What on earth is the meaning of this?

Oh, yeah, this place
will come down real easy.

NIGEL: Come down?

I'll have you know these barracks

are the sovereign territory of
his Royal Highness King George III.

- And look at this one. Gawking.
- Sorry.

Mark.

Sorry, Mark.

Uh, just leave the shed.

I have a meeting.

We'll talk later.

- She can see us.
- Remarkable.

Indeed.

Hey. Uh, did you guys know
there's three British soldiers

from the Revolutionary w*r
living in our garden shed?

Don't worry about them.

They mostly stick to themselves.

PETE: They come up to the main house

once every year or so with
some dispute or complaint.

They've never gotten
over losing the w*r.

Well, those limeys can wipe
their eyes with crumpets.

'Cause this land is, and
has always been, American.

Said the guy from Massapequa.

PETE: Ever since the
w*r, the agreement's been

the Americans get the house,
the Brits get the shed.

JAY: No, no, no, no.

Oh, no. What is it, Jay?

Hitch d*ed.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

That's awful. He was a...

really...

You have no idea who Hitch is, do you?

- I do not.
- He was my D&D character.

SAMANTHA: Oh. No, not to be insensitive,

it's just, doesn't he exist entirely
in your head? What is it, Pete?

I-I just wanted to say, as a
long-time adventurer myself,

the bond between D&D creator
and character can be very real.

I know I shed a few tears
when I lost Gelvin Monkspear

to the demogorgon.

Pete's saying he can
relate, 'cause he got upset

- about losing some character to a demidragon.
- Demogorgon.

Demogorgon?

Pete plays D&D?

Heck yeah. It was really
popular in the ' s.

Hey, maybe Jay and I
could play together.

Oh, that's really sweet... Pete
wishes he could play with you.

Whoa, we totally could
do that. Hey, Pete,

Pete, listen, you pick
a character and I'll DM,

and then Sam... Sam, all you have to do

is translate, like
you're doing right now.

- I love this idea!
- Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, I love you, obviously,

but fantasy role-playing games

are at the far end of that affection.

Yeah. Okay, cool.

All my best friends
just broke up with me,

but, uh, I can see that playing
a game is... is too big of an ask.

Okay, we can play tonight.

- Yes! Oh!
- [LAUGHS]

Pete, saddle up, baby!

- Oh, no.
- Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Tonight we ride! Rrroo!

NIGEL: We demand parley at once!

Ugh, these fools.

- Oh, boy. What's going on here?
- Aah!

She can see us.

My God, what foul deal with the
devil hath provoked such a power?

She fell down the stairs,
and when she woke up

she could talk to ghosts and animals.

Uh, no. I'm not sure where
she got the animals thing.

But I'm Samantha. Hi.

Lieutenant-Colonel Nigel Chessum.

I've come to discuss the
unprovoked att*ck on our land.

SASAPPIS: I don't know if
I'd say this is your land.

Yeah, give 'em hell, Sass!

USA!

- USA!
- Are you talking about the door?

This is about dignity and decorum and...

Yes, the door.

We want it put back, and we
won't accept anything less.

JAY: Sam?

Have you seen my yellow
Decepticons shirt?

Oh, I think it's in the dryer.

Uh-uh, I checked.

I'll come help you in
a sec. I'm just dealing

with some British ghosts
from the Revolutionary w*r.

Okay. I'll check the hamper.

Sorry, you were saying?

Our barracks. This
affront shall not go un...

Oh, fine, I'll-I'll do it.

- Pardon?
- I'll tell the contractor

to put the door back on. Anything else?

Oh. Um, I...

had sort of a lengthy diatribe
planned, but, uh, splendid.

JENKINS: Well, shall
we get out of here, sir?

Oh, yes.

I suppose there's no reason to linger.

No other reason I can think of.

ISAAC: Sam, I believe that
shirt that Jay's looking for

is in the hallway closet upstairs...

Lieutenant-Colonel Chessum.

Captain Higgintoot.

What, um... what fortune prompts

such an unexpec... pected visit?

A... trivial matter, now concluded.

- Hmm.
- I...

do hope my presence, though unexpected,

is not entirely unpleasant.

Oh, no, I think it's fair to say

that your presence is the
furthest thing from unpleasant.

Okay, am I nuts, or is there, like,

crazy chemistry between these two?

This has been going on for centuries.

Every year they find some
reason to "redraw the border"

or "extend the truce,"
and neither one of them

- ever makes a move.
- Mm.

NIGEL: Well, I, uh, suppose
I shall bid you adieu.

Yes, yes, and I shall bid adieu to you.

[LAUGHS]: Oh. What a droll little rhyme.

Oh!

[ISAAC LAUGHING]

NIGEL: Splendid.

Well... [CLEARS THROAT]

I guess I'm not going
to fife myself out, am I?

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, no.

[CLEARS THROAT] Baxter?

♪

[SIGHS]

- Well, back to the closet.
- What?

To look for Jay's shirt.

Right.

JAY: You cross the icy river

only to find what nightmares
lurk on the other side.

From forth the darkness of the cave

emerges an abominable yeti!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, not good.

We probably should have
taken the mountain pass.

- Pete says they should have taken the mountain pass.
- Yeah.

That's what we get for accepting
a map from a Frost Giant.

Sass is second-guessing the Frost Giant.

Well, I'm not messing with a yeti.

I'm getting back in the boat.

And Alberta wants to
get back in the boat.

Ooh, unfortunately,

you turn around to see
that the boat has sunk

into the icy river.

- Oh.
- Escape...

is no longer an option.

Well, then combat it is.

Sam, please tell Jay
that Gelvin Monkspear II

has unsheathed his sword.

SASAPPIS: Sam? A little focus?
We're about to be devoured

by a ferocious beast over here.

Right. Sorry, it's just,
it's been a few hours.

So is the game almost done?

Well, I mean, this particular
session could be close to done.

[CHUCKLES]: This session?

What do you mean? Doesn't somebody win

and then, like, we're done?

[LAUGHS]: No.

This isn't Candy Land, Sam.

JAY: Dungeons & Dragons

is not a game that
just ends in one night.

Every campaign is a
multi-chaptered quest.

They could last months or even years.

Years?

That's what makes it so fun.

Now, where were we with that yeti?

A little too close for comfort, I'd say.

Repeat that for Jay. I think
he'd get a kick out of it.

ISAAC: How about those
Brits stopping by, hmm?

Probably won't have to see
them for another few years.

[BIG SIGH]

Uh, I have to say, though, that...

that Nigel fellow seems
like a really good guy.

Oh, well, can't say I agree
with his politics, but, uh...

he's a man of honor. Interesting,

because you're also
kind of a man of honor.

Well, the truth is, is
that there's a secret

that I've been keeping from Nigel,

and to share it would
release an immense burden,

but I have a feeling he is
not going to take it very well.

Okay, I hear you, but
there's also a chance

that something that seemed so
unthinkable all those years ago

might not be a big deal now.

You're right.

What am I so afraid of?

I'm gonna do it.

Really? You'll talk to him?

Uh-huh. I'm gonna do it.

[GASPS] Oh, I'm so proud of you.

What do I wear? Wait, no, can't
change, so itchy shirt it is.

Break a leg!

JAY [YAWNS]: Man...

- we were up so late last night, huh?
- Were we?

- Gosh, I was having so much fun, I didn't notice.
- I could have gone all night.

JAY: You want to know
what my favorite part was?

It was just getting to know
the ghosts a little bit.

Pete? Are you kidding me?

That guy is great. I didn't
think anyone knew more

about ' s basketball than I did.

Well, early ' s, and then...
[IMITATES ARROW STRIKING]

JAY: You know, if we're gonna
get to the fortress any time soon,

we're gonna have to play a
few times a week, at least.

- And each of those sessions would last about... ?
- Not long.

- Five, six hours.
- Wow.

Well, let me check my
schedule. Available.

And that could go on
for potentially years?

Yeah.

Jay, I don't know exactly
how to tell you this, but...

the ghosts don't want
to play with you anymore.

- Whaaat?
- What?

I know. I'm sorry.

But I thought they had fun.

We did have fun. What
are you doing, Sam?

Well, I guess that not being able

to move the pieces or roll...

- Some of them just got a little bored.
- Bored?

That's not true.

Okay. Yes, it's disappointing.
I'm upset, too. I...

I love this game! Those darn ghosts!

Well, if they didn't like it,
then... they didn't like it.

We loved it.

- Liar!
- JAY: Huh.

I guess I'll just put
all this away, then.

You know, maybe we could
watch a movie later.

Yeah.

Sure, that sounds fun.

Hmm.

And I thought the mindflayer

would be the greatest monster
I'd encounter this week.

Or the gelatinous cube.
That one was tough, too.

So she just straight-up lied to him?

- Like it was nothing.
- We have to fix this.

Last night was so fun,

and I don't know if you've noticed,

but we don't have a ton going on here.

Yeah, I just wish there was a way

we could talk to Jay directly
and set this straight.

If only there was some
way we could get a message

across the celestial plane.

I think I have an idea.

Uh, perhaps we discuss

whatever it is you...
wanted to talk about.

Well, well, the truth is,
is it's quite personal,

and I've been keeping a secret
from you for, oh, years.

- Oh?
- I'm just really nervous

about how you're gonna take it.

Well, I...

think I might take it...

just fine.

Really?

Oh.

All right, here it goes.

Nigel?

Yes, Isaac?

I k*lled you.

Excuse me?!

[WHOOSHING]

ISAAC: Hello, Officer.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, boy.

Are you telling me

the cowardly sn*per that
took my life was you?

Well, th-that was not
at all my intention.

To have m*rder*d in cold
blood a fellow officer!

My hope was to apologize.

I've had enough of this.

Uh...

Baxter?

[FIFE PLAYING]

[QUIETLY]: Oh, God.

[FIFE MUSIC FADING]

[SCAT SINGING]

All right, no Sam in sight.

Hurry up and do your thing.

[SUSTAINED GRUNT GROWING LOUDER]

[YELLING]

Just a little faster, buddy.

- I think Jay's rinsing off.
- [YELLING]

[CONTINUES YELLING]

[GASPS]

- [PANTING]
- Lied about what?

Seriously, dude, this is gonna k*ll me.

We've come too far, man.

Fine.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[INHALES]

Hey, babe.

Got a better Internet connection,

so now I can play D&D
with my boys in the city.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah, and even better,

one of the guys had to drop out,

so there's room for
you to join permanently.

- No way.
- Super cool, huh?

'Cause I know how much
you love playing the game,

because that's what you told me.

I know you lied!

- But how? No, I didn't!
- Uh-huh!

The ghosts told me. And
it was genuinely haunting.

I was in the shower, I was nude,

and then letters just
appeared in the steam!

- Trevor.
- The ghost without pants is watching me shower?

Gotta love that.

Sam, why did you lie to me?

I wanted to help you
play with the ghosts,

but I really don't
like your favorite game.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Because I didn't want to upset you.

And it just seemed easier
to blame the ghosts.

I don't care if you like
playing the game or not, okay?

Objectively, you should,
because it's awesome.

But honestly, I just miss my friends.

- I know.
- And you have this whole group of people

that-that you can talk
to that I can't even see.

So the other night when we
were all playing together,

I actually felt like
I was part of the g*ng.

PETE: The British are coming!
The British are coming!

I do hear you.

So I guess things with Nigel
didn't go so great, huh?

No, Sam, they didn't.

It has come to my
attention that I, an officer

in His Majesty's Armed Forces,

was m*rder*d

by the shameful American w*r
criminal Isaac Higgintoot.

Wait, that was the secret?

This horrifying breach of
decorum shall not go unpunished.

We are taking the house.

Well...

if you insist that the
time for words has passed...

just coming through...

then, no matter the cost
in blood or treasure,

my army and I will defend
this house to the bitter end.

If it's w*r you want...

then w*r you shall have.

So be it.

It's time for battle!

Oh!

[GRUNTING, SHOUTING]

PETE: Get out of here.

- This is the w*r?
- I'm a pacifist,

but even I would like to
see a little more action.

Oh! Damn this impotent existence!

If I was alive, I would
wipe you and your boys

off the face of the earth.

No, you wouldn't. You'd
sh**t me in the chest

while I was reading my poems!

Oh, wait. You already did that.

[BREATHILY]: Well.

If we can't fight,

then how the hell do we
resolve this invasion, hmm?

If only there were some way
to simulate actual combat.

What?

Damn it, I may have the solution.

Okay, I don't really understand
what's happening here,

but I'd just like to say for the record,

I am happy to solve all future
ghost conflicts this way.

Okay, Pete, you are
now face-to-face with...

- who's that guy?
- Oh, Jenkins.

That's one of the British ghosts.

Okay, you find yourself face-to-face

with Jenkins' tie-fling bard.

Okay. Well, then I
unsheathe my moon-blade

and whisper the phrase
"swift defeat to my enemies,"

thus marking him as a sworn
enemy, and giving myself

an extra D damage.

Gadzooks, this is boring.

Why would anyone play this?

Okay. This is silly.

Nigel,

my k*lling you was an accident,

but not telling you about it
for the last two centuries,

that was just plain wrong.

And for that I'm truly sorry.

Why didn't you just say something?

I-I was afraid you'd be mad.

SAM: Oh...

Isaac and the British
commander are making up.

Aw, that's nice. What did Isaac do?

- He m*rder*d him.
- Ooh, that is hard to bounce back from.

I can see why that might be a
hard subject to broach, but...

how does one even
accidentally sh**t another?

Well...

I-I was really intending
to spy on you-ur camp,

using a musket looking
glass that I had invented.

Some people are calling
it the "Eyesaac."

Like your name? But with...

E-Y-E at the beginning?

- Yes. How did you know?
- Well, what else would it be?

Simply brilliant.

I love it.

I mean...

for an instrument of my demise.

And I love you...

... loving it.

I love you loving it.

We shall consider the matter
water under the bridge.

The invasion is cancelled.

But we can keep playing, right?

Yeah. Mama has a fourth-level
spell slot she's itching to use.

NIGEL: Thank you for
your gracious hospitality.

Until we next parley.

Baxter?

[FIFE PLAYING]

A... about that,

maybe it would help keep
the peace if we, um...

parleyed more often.

Interesting.

Perhaps, say, we could
walk the grounds sometime

to discuss the peace...

among other matters.

I'm... actually not...

doing anything right now.

ISAAC: Oh, uh, s...

splendid.

To the grounds.

[FIFE RESUMES PLAYING]

Uh, as you were, Baxter.

Stand down.

Okey dokey, conflict resolved.

Cool. All right, well, I
guess we're done playing, then.

No. Jay, D&D is not one of those games

that's just done in an hour.

It's a rich, multi-chaptered campaign.

It could last for months.

Are you serious?

Do you really want to keep playing?

No.

But I will, for you.

Aw.

Good. 'Cause I joined that
book club last year for you.

All right, let's roll for initiative!

[DICE CLATTER]

[LAUGHING]: All right! !

Come on. Guys, we're not doing this.

This is not the new system.

I really want to smell some pepperoni.

There is no way that
I'm writing "pepperoni."

JAY: Seriously, this is super creepy!

Are you guys still
in here? Please leave.