02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

If I needed you to come back immediately

and help me save The
Breakfast Bar from euthanasia,

is that something that could happen?

I am so excited. I have seen
all your previous work.

Lil, this is Jeremy.
He's a new producer.

He's a network pick.

Also happens to be the CEO's son.

Was it his idea to fire Erica?

Yeah, I'm not sure how
he came to that decision,

but I can't wait to see what you
do with the goodbye episode.

You see, girls, this is the
kind of stupid argument

- you will have to endure...
- When you achieve things...

from people who have had every
opportunity extended to them.

People will say, that's because
the world is sexist, not becau...

Good to have you back, Lily.

What's going on with you and Vincent?

WOMAN: Well, like, I love
him, of course I love him.

Just like a... second-best friend.

What you said to me before I left, it...

- it's not that it didn't mean anything.
- You don't have to say...

It meant too much.

Uh, how's the writing?

Really good, yeah. I actually,
um, I just finished a book.

Life is Not a Love Song: Interviews
With Musicians and Their Muses.

I think we should stay.

Really?

Yes, I love it.

That's just a fancy kind of apology.

So that's what you have to say
when you ditch someone at karaoke.

Pete, I am being one
thousand percent honest.

Life is Not a Love Song,

legitimately the best thing
you've ever written.

Well, that could just mean that

everything I've written
before now is complete sh*t.

Just take the compliment, Pete.

It's really good.

- Thanks.
- SIMONE: G'day, mates.

ALL: Hey!

Hi!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

She's obsessed! She wants
to put me on Tinder.

- No!
- Or Bumble, or Happn, or OkCupid.

- Bumble, is this a thing?
- We'll talk about it.

I mean, it worked for your dad
and Yvonne. Two souls, true love.

- Oh, not the way to sell it.
- No.

I will do everything. I will run the
app on my phone and do the vetting

and I just need Vincent
to turn up on one date.

If I wasn't running my
life on three hours sleep,

that'd almost convince me
to get back out there.

Yeah, not to put too fine
a point on it, mate,

but there's a pretty big
difference between you and me.

Ah, yeah, I'm a single parent
and a barely published writer.

You are a doctor.

- Mmm! A smart and handsome doctor,
- Mmm. Mmm.

who is in a vulnerable place.

Yep. What have you got to lose?

All right, all right, what about
incredible upper body strength...

- Yep.
- Jack!

- Lock that in.
- Jack!

- Hey, mate!
- Hey. Lily, I'm so sorry,

I got stuck at the restaurant.

- Oh, it's okay.
- Hi.

Happy to have the big boss back?

Ah, I would say no.

- Ah, dear.
- Ooh.

- Pete, good to see you, mate.
- You too. Welcome back.

Good to be back.

Drinks, yeah?

Yeah, I'll get them. Yeah,
yeah. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll come with.

Actually, I should probably head off.

Oh, really? Why?

Meredith's fired off an SOS, so...

- Oh, everything okay?
- Yeah, all good.

You know my Nish, it's
just all about her.

Well, we should have
dinner all together soon.

Yes, definitely. Yeah.

Sounds good. See you later.

Bye!

He's tired with a new
baby and the book and...

You have to remember also he is Pete,

and he's Pete in all
situations socially,

which is unfortunate for him because...

Lil, he's not my number
one fan. I don't mind.

I mind.

I'm with you. We're back.

He was a big part of my life.

I want you two to go on man dates.

Talk about ball things.

Braid each other's hair?

I could buy him a friendship bracelet.

That would make me happy.

And it's not because you two...

What? Which... What two?

I just assumed you've
known each other forever.

It makes sense, the awkwardness.

Once we, for, like...

not even as... just a second...

You know what? I don't need to know.

No, we don't need to know.

We don't need to know
each other's lists.

We agreed on that, didn't we?

Yours is long, isn't it?

I was an unplucked
flower before I met you.

Oh, God.

It's a long list.

It's... a...

really... long.

(HEAVY PANTING)

- Oh!
- Oh, G...!

God!

- Can you knock!?
- I thought you were out!

We are quite clearly in.

Yes, I can see.

What are you doing? Why
are you still in here?

'Cause I need the scone cutter.

The good one. It's in a
box on the top shelf.

Right now?

Yes, actually. Scones.

Jack can tell you.

Quite time sensitive.

It's true.

Go away! Now!

I'll find us a place tomorrow.

Hey.

Hi.

I thought you were having a late one.

Missed the terror. How is she?

Oh, she's good.

She's fine. Sleeping.

- I'm...
- Not sleeping.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hi, Mitchell.
- Sh...

Pete. Great to see you.

- Yeah, you too. Looking great.
- (WHISPERS) Thank you.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

I went on a terrific
bike ride the other day,

down the Great Ocean Road.

You should come next time.

Oh, sounds horrible, but I'll
meet you in Torquay for a beer.

Okay, that's enough.
Let's just go to bed.

Both of us or...?

Goodnight.

- Night, Mitchell.
- Yeah, goodnight. Night, Pete.

Just a, ah, friendly catch up, you know?

(WHISPERS) Are you okay with this?

Yeah, of course. I'm happy for you.

We're just sleeping.

Yeah, sure. Just sleep quietly.

Yep, goodnight.

Look at you!

Whoa! Someone's had their Weet-Bix.

Are they your proper pants?

These are lucky pants.

Don't want you to get too excited

but Sarah Bernardi scheduled a phoner.

Bernardi? As in, New York lit agent?

Apparently she liked the book.

I called that.

- You mean she loved it.
- Well...

She was probably up all night,
you know, looking at it.

She couldn't put it down.

She says she's gonna call
first thing, so we'll see.

- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
- Oh, my God. That's her.

- It's her. It's her. B-b-b...
- Just... just... wait, wait, wait...

Pete Barnett.

- Pete, hi, it's Jack.
- Jack.

- Jack Winters.
- Jack.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Uh, yeah, hi.

Hey, any chance you're
free tomorrow night?

Lily and I are doing a welcome
back dinner. Nothing big.

Helloooo. Bernard speaking.

Um, I... I... I've actually got my dad.

He's gotta do a doctor thing. So...

Well, just bring him along afterwards.

You know, bring whoever you like.

Yeah, how are you, Sarah Bernardi?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

- I've gotta go. All right. Bye.
- Absolutely.

Nup. Totally cool. Okay. Bye-bye.

- Was that her?
- Yeah.

It's a no. Sorry.

NIKKII: Most people see
me as just a pretty face,

but I'm actually a qualified
and successful producer

that spent the last years
honing my skills on live TV.

As The Breakfast Bar
moves into a new era,

I challenge you to find
anyone more qualified...

- Morning.
- Hey, Lily.

Just, um, checking out some new talent.

Unfortunately, Jennifer and
Miranda are no longer available.

It's a shame but, you know...

Eric, what are you watching?

(LAUGHS) Come on.

You'll see it anyway.

As The Breakfast Bar
moves into a new era,

I challenge you to find
anyone more qualified

- to take the leap to on air talent.
- (LAUGHS)

Wait.

(MIMICS AIR BUBBLING)

Starts again. Look.

Hello. I'm Nikkii Steadman.

Current producer, future
presenter on The Breakfast Bar.

Most people see me as
just a pretty face,

but I'm actually a qualified
and successful producer

that spent the last years
honing my skills on live TV.

As The Breakfast Bar
moves into a new era,

I challenge you to find
anyone more qualified

- to take the leap to on air talent...
- Dale.

Don't judge. I'm only
watching just 'cause

- everyone else has already seen it.
- (WHISPERS) How did this get out?

I'm gonna take a s*ab in the dark

and say it's because
she posted it online.

Hello.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- I'm Nikkii...

Oh, it's okay.

I found it strangely compelling as well.

We should have a meeting with her.

She took the time to film it.

No. It's cruel to encourage an
impossible dream, don't you think?

Sh!

Nikkii, hi.

Sasha's on her way.

- No, Sasha's here.
- I got the promo back!

Sit, sit, sit! Where's Eric? Eric!

ERIC: Comin' at ya!

(CLICKS FINGER)

Ready?

VOICE-OVER: Don't get
too comfortable, Eric.

Who said that...

In three days, the
truth will be revealed.

Who is the new host
of The Breakfast Bar?

Seriously, who said that?

See. Look at that face.

He's funny.

Okay, I'm not staying.

I'm just reminding everyone
that we are officially in free fall.

Erica's sacking has everyone panicking.

How many followers is she at now?

Isn't this territory that's
already been covered?

, .

Nope. .

ERIC: The hysterical feminist brigade.

We don't need those sorts of
viewers anyway, do we, Lilly?

The only good news is we're
expecting a bump this week

as everyone tunes in to find
out who's replacing her.

Can I ask who is replacing Erica?

It's someone pretty special.

Iggy Azalea.

Sandra Sully.

I met a waitress the other night.

Very talented, good-looking.

Negotiations are ongoing.

In the meantime, I want
a run sheet of winners.

Pitch me.

(DRUMS ON TABLE)

Pew! Pitches!

Does smacking children
make them smarter?

- Does it?
- It doesn't matter.

We get an expert on discipline,
some concerned parents.

Bang, there's your story.

No longer reporting on the
news. We're now creating it.

Dale, your contribution?

The... world's first refugee orchestra.

(MIMICS SAD TROMBONE SOUND)

- Nikkii?
- Summer accessories... in spring!

- Ah.
- Lily?

Women in crisis.

- Again?
- (YAWNS)

What about "Feminism ruined my life"?

Or "The Kardashians,
keeping up with them"?

"Transgender trans fat.
Is there a connection?"

"Child brides fight back."

"Genius baby kills mother."

Ohh.

"Life is Not a Love Song.

"Make-ups and break-ups.

"The truth behind the
world's biggest love songs."

First decent idea since you got back.

Whip it up.

And the k*ller baby one.

PETE: I mean, it's weird, right?

Well, a bloke calls you up,
offers to cook you dinner.

Yeah, that's weird.

So what do I... How do we get out of it?

Well, that's one of the
perks of having a kid.

You can get out of anything.

Look at me. Haven't been invited
to anything for , years.

Yeah, well, don't get too cocky.
He asked you to come too.

- What?
- Yeah.

Okay, hang on. Let's have
another look at this.

Celebrity chef offers to
cook you dinner for free

- and your old man's invited.
- Get the ball, Dad.

Don't be a bloody w*nk*r, mate.

We're definitely going.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- What are you doing?

Uh, having dinner with you, apparently.

Oh, what about lunch?

- I'm buying.
- Sure.

Yeah, no, that wasn't Jack.

That was... me, trying
to orchestrate bonding.

By the way, if he ever asks,

if it ever just comes
up whether we ever...

Whether we ever...?

- Whether we... ever...
- Whether we ever.

I would so appreciate it if you
could just not mention it because...

It'd be pretty weird if he did ask me,

but sure, I can be party
to your web of lies.

- He already thinks you don't like him.
- I don't like him.

- You don't know him!
- He slept with half my friends.

Maybe if you had more friends...

He's always asking me, "How's
the writing coming, mate?"

So how is this gonna work, then?

What, the three of us are never
in the same room together?

Not acceptable.

No. No. You're stuck with me.

You and I, we go too far back.

Hello. Pete, is it?

Uh, yeah.

I'm here for the inspection.

You're Dan's girlfriend, Lily.

- Also, just Lily.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Ah, come in.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

Do you smell that?

Mm, might be the mildew.

It's a great location too.

It's, like, metres away
from five different pubs.

Yeah. Death rot.

I loved that place. I miss that place.

I'm saying, all our history, I
don't want that to be a wedge.

Yeah, nice sentiment, Lil,
but you also didn't talk to me

for the past few months
so it kind of doesn't fly.

I know.

But I am going to make amends.

But first, little work side note,

I think we could do something with
your book on The Breakfast Bar.

- What are you doing?
- I'm giving you seconds

and then we're never
speaking about this again.

I imagine we'd use the book as a
jumping off point, then broaden up,

and involve some bigger names.

You could use it to approach
publishers, like proof of concept,

and then once the book is released,

we could use the show
to promote the book.

Mmm, mmm...

- And?
- No.

But...

Sorry, Lil, the book
means too much to me.

- And you don't want to reduce it
- Sorry.

to breakfast TV fodder?

I basically bled into the keyboard.

I get that.

But if I come up with a pitch
that's classy and intelligent,

- I think that...
- Then I'm still saying no.

I want you to know I had
nothing to do with this.

What's going on?

Okay, Eric has had some ideas.

Yes, Lily, um...

As the sole surviving host
of The Breakfast Bar,

I feel a tremendous responsibility
to help get us back on track.

I brought him up to speed with your
'Life is Not a Love Song' idea.

I'm not sure that one's
gonna make it through.

No, no, no, no, no. I love it.

It's gold. Solid gold.

I just think it needs a bit of, um...
(CLICKS FINGERS RAPIDLY)

What... what is that?

Okay, so, what Eric is trying to say
is that he feels that the segment

needs to be a bit
noisier, a bit more fun.

Fun?

(STRUMS UKULELE)

Lily.

♪ Don't you think I should
sing in the segment? ♪

(LAUGHS)

♪ It would be the best, don't you see? ♪

♪ It'd be the best, it'd be
the best, B-E-S and T. ♪

Hey!

There's no way.

All right, hang on a minute.
What about this?

(STRUMS)

♪ Tell you, Lily, what I want to do ♪

I've always loved this song

♪ Make some great TV with you ♪

Stay with me. Stay with me.

♪ Lily, Lily, you're so fine ♪

You are so fine!

♪ Maybe we could go prime time? ♪

(LAUGHS) Prime time!

Absolutely no way you are singing.

But Jeremy's already approved it.

I don't care. I'm unapproving it.

Can she even do that?

Sasha.

I'm not sure this whole two
producer thing is gonna work out.

I thought it was working well.

I'm not your marriage counsellor.
Sort it out. We have bigger fish.

- Why? What's happened?
- We lost the co-host.

Negotiations fell apart. The
backlash to Erica's axing.

They're convinced taking the
job would be career su1c1de.

Do you want me to come up
with a list of names or...?

Just keep doing your job.

This is bad timing,
obviously, no biggie,

but I'm gonna have to scrap the
Life is Not a Love Song segment.

No, no. Eric really connected with that.

Eric is not supposed to be at pitch
meetings for exactly this reason.

I'll produce anything else.

I'll do the k*ller babies.
I'll do whatever you want.

What's the issue?

- It's Pete's idea.
- Pete. Have I met Pete?

Mate of mine.

We take stories from family
and friends all the time.

He's written an actual
book about this, though,

so it's a different situation.

Have you lifted content,
paragraphs, interviews?

No, but it is his...

Then it's fine. I like
the romance of it.

Lily, Sasha and I are in the middle
of an actual crisis at the moment,

so you need to put on your
big girl producer pants

and sort this one out for yourself.

All right?

(LOUD SCRAPING AND THUMPING)

I quite like what she's
done with the place.

Yeah, I caught her crying,
pretended it was dust.

Well, she does this every time
there's an emotional trauma.

Dad's getting married. Let's
rearrange the furniture.

Yeah, but even if it does come from
a place of grief and heartache,

I think it looks quite good.

(LOUD SCRAPING, CRASH)

Mum!

Stop! You're gonna hurt yourself!

I'll get it. Mimi...

Lil, you...

Sit down. You've gotta h... you
gotta help me with this date.

Why? What's happened?

I want you to think excitement.

I'm not excited.

Excitement. Excitement.

Her name is Jana.

She's into, um, like,
travel and adventure.

She's a push bike mechanic

who dreams of hiking the
Inca Trail one day.

It's just a date. What's
the worst that can happen?

She rejects you.

And then you end up so
emotionally scarred

that you spend the rest
of your life alone.

It's a little dramatic, but
yeah, that's the gist.

No, I totally appreciate you
reading it and, I mean, look,

if you had any thoughts...

Yeah, no, of course, of course.

Okay. Well, um, thanks for your time.

Okay, bye.

Bloodbath, isn't it?

No, no, it is what it is.

Don't think you're a tad
overdressed, Dad? He's just a chef.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

These are my lucky pants.

At least my fly is done up.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (ZIPPER ZIPS)

Hello, pickle... (GASPS)

Where's that gorgeous
little girl of yours?

Oh, sorry, Mim, she's
with her mum tonight.

But I brought you a replacement.

He's not as cute but
he's twice as grisly.

G'day, Mims.

Do you mind if I call you Mims?

Uh... yeah, you just did.

(LAUGHS)

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Jeez, you're good-looking.

You've met him before, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, Mims, I hope you don't mind

but on the way in I noticed your
drainpipes need a bit of attention.

- Oh...
- Just need a bit of a weed.

Oh.

Is this a sex thing?

Simone!

No, I'm getting a definite sex vibe.

Oh, Christ, you have, haven't you?

No, no, we haven't.

H-have we?

I'm pretty sure you'd remember.

No, that's not about you.

Dad's got... He forgets
stuff. He's got a brain injury.

Sorry, a brain injury?

Oh, yeah, I just copped a
few knocks to the head

playing footy a few years back.

- Nothing major.
- Oh, it's pretty major, Dad.

They think you... he has CTE.

What does that mean?

- Chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
- BOTH: It's...

a degenerative brain condition.

Yep.

I mean, that's never been your
best feature anyway, has it?

(LAUGHS) Settle down.

Well, you're not actually losing it.

Ivan, we did kiss at Pete's st,

out by the wheelie bins at
the back of the surf club.

- Yeah, I called that.
- Oh! (LAUGHS)

No, hang on, hang on.

I thought you were still
with Dad at Pete's st?

It's interesting because it must be
something genetically attractive,

like in your DNA.

sh*t! I'm so sorry!

That's all right.

I've got it. It's...

Sorry. I'll grab a...

Yeah, can I help?

My lucky pants.

- Thank you.
- Pass that.

Graceful. That was smooth.

- You've got a real poker face.
- Shhh!

Just a heads up, if you're gonna lie,

you generally need to prep
everyone involved in the lie.

Hey, I need to talk to you.

About the... love song segment.

You are just like a terrier
with a bone, aren't you?

No, but...

Greyhound, fixated on
a mechanical bunny.

The thing is, I've messed up.

I pitched it accidentally.

I already pitched it.

Right. Well, you're gonna
have to un-pitch it.

I'm not sure I can.

I've tried.

Not sure I can.

And if the toast was cold... brrr!

Not having it.

No, he's not gonna have it.

So, Pete, how's the writing
coming along, mate?

Mm. Good. So good.

In fact, ah, Lily, do
you want to tell them?

All right.

I admit it. I overstepped the mark.

- I said I'm sorry.
- Overstepped?

- Is that what we're gonna call it?
- You guys fighting?

- Yep.
- No.

Feels like a fight?

What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing unusual.

Just... massive opportunity's
landed in Pete's lap

and he's determined to sabotage it...

- Sorry, you're doing me a favour
- before he even considers it.

because I'm the loser that needs saving.

No, not a loser. No.

Just scared of your
own potential success.

Okay. Let's put it a vote, shall we?

Say you gave your friend a manuscript

you spent the last six
months working on,

only to discover she'd pitched it as
a segment without your permission.

Would you feel: A, grateful, or B,
deeply betrayed by said friend?

Might I trouble you for
another beer, please?

(CLEARS THROAT) Um, yeah.
Maybe some more wine. Thanks.

You're acting like I
did it deliberately.

It's a pretty big
accident, if I'm honest.

Yeah, but what were you
trying to do, Lil?

I'm sure you have a good reason.

I thought... nationwide exposure.

On The Breakfast Bar? Well,
it's not exactly Pete's audience.

Hey, you can't ask me to make the
guy a mate and then get upset

when I take his side.

Clearly I can.

It's called partner loyalty.

Also pretty clear you're in the wrong.

I'd just apologise to Pete.

Here, I want to show you something.

What do you think?

I think you're less sexy
when you're like this.

About the house. What do
you think of the house?

What, architecturally?

I want us to make an offer.

Uh, not working for six months put a

dent in my Dollarmite account, so...

We can afford it.

Look, I don't want us to
move back to the apartment.

I want us to have a
proper home that's ours.

Three bedrooms.

Looks pretty proper.

Will you think about it?

Yeah.

I could have told you there's no
way you were ever going to do it.

I know.

And apart from it being breakfast
TV, for the last six months,

I feel like I had the baby but
you've had postnatal depression.

W... we were going through a break-up.

Yeah, but we're okay now.

And we have to be okay, right?

I'm... I'm happy for you and Mitchell.

I don't know what that is
yet, but that's my point.

You weren't happy

for Jack and Lily.

You were heartsick.

You poured it all into your book

and, yeah, you made
something beautiful out of it,

and... and if you are
in love with her...

I'm not.

if you are, it's just gonna
make you a crappy friend...

because it's just not
gonna be enough for you.

If you want her in your life, Pete,
you have to decide to get over her.

(SKYPE RINGTONE)

I owe you a face-to-face apology,
and at am in the morning,

this was the best I could think of.

(SKYPE RINGTONE)

Okay.

Okay. I've got to do this fast and
this time I've chosen a filter

that conveys the level of
regret I feel at ever having...

(PHONE RINGS)

seconds is not adequate time
for the level of apology I need.

Well, still, it's the second time
you've had to apologise this week,

so you get points for turnaround time.

You've got Jack to thank for that.

I shouldn't have said I
don't like him. Poor guy.

I've lived with you, I
know how hard it is.

Well, ironically, you're not the
loser in this friendship anymore.

Still have some loser cred, don't I?

Got a manuscript that's not
exactly inspiring a bidding w*r.

In six months,

I didn't develop one single doco
idea anyone was interested in.

But you do have a celebrity boyfriend.

- This is true.
- So...

He has hundreds of
thousands of followers.

It's a pretty big deal.

years ago, did you think
life would be like this?

No.

Then again, years ago
I was planning a career

as a professional beer
pong player, so...

(LAUGHS)

♪ Tell me, what's the worst
that could happen? ♪

I thought I was pretty good.

Riddle me this.

Have you ever heard of the
creature called the liger?

(LAUGHS)

♪ You and me will be living
really wild and free ♪

♪ The world will see ♪

♪ I'm becoming who I'm meant to be... ♪

Yeah, the thing is, I never
had the right to pitch it.

I was trying to get back in the
game and keep up with you,

because quite frankly...

I can be intimidating.

I finish people's sentences.

Sorry. I'm working on it.

Yes.

You and I shouldn't be competing.

We should have each other's backs.

We could be friends, even.

Oh. Well...

Some friends and I have a private
room at the casino on Tuesday night

if you're interested.

Maybe.

The thing is...

Pete, who wrote the book, that I...

Plagiarised. Sorry, I did it again.

But you did.

He's one of my best friends,
and I take that so seriously.

Anyway, I also know that you
have been under a lot of stress

about the new co-host situation,

and it just struck me,
does it really matter?

Whoever it is is gonna be crucified
for replacing Erica anyway.

I say we ride out the backlash, soak
up all the hate, all the vitriol,

we think about who we really want to
replace Erica, and in the meantime,

we make the best show possible
because that's what we do.

Leave it with me. Okay?

SIMONE: Now, I'm gonna be at the counter

primarily to make sure
that you don't fail,

and if you need me to
rescue you, just, um...

just whistle like...

(DEAFENING WHISTLE)

I'm not gonna whistle.

Well, then, you're not
gonna get rescued.

If you want me to go,
we'll need another sign.

Just, like, a yawn, but make it big.

(YAWNS LOUDLY)

I'm not gonna do that either,
Sim. I don't want to be here.

It's breakfast.

It's casual.

And you look beautiful.

And here she is.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

Vincent?

Hi, Jana.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

- Yeah, how are you?
- Good.

Have a seat.

I thought they were sparking.
There was banter and hair flicking.

What happened?

So is there anything...

you want to ask me,
about the chair or...?

Well, have you ever thought
about, like, alternative therapies?

I'm joking.

But seriously, I read
an article about a guy

who ate shark fin every
day for two years,

and after that he walked again.

That didn't happen.

Anyway, he got out of there really fast

and now I don't know where he's gone.

Well, that... No. That's not your fault.

People! People, can I get
your attention, please?

Actually, Sim, can you maybe call Dad?

- Okay. All right.
- Okay, bye.

A few changes to this weekend's show.

Firstly, Lils and I have decided
to drop the love song segment.

Secondly, it is my great pleasure
to introduce our new co-host.

Please put your hands together

and welcome the newest addition
to The Breakfast Bar couch,

Nikkii Steadman!

Yes, it's me! It's me! (CLAPS)

I am the new co-host
of The Breakfast Bar.

(SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY)

Oh...

my...

God.

Sasha...

No, I've been holding
this for nine hours.

I'm sorry but you cannot
think Nikkii is a good idea.

- I'm told it was your idea.
- How?

The hate sponge.

Sacrifice an interim host who
can absorb all the vitriol

until we're ready to
wheel out the real deal.

Hate sponge! Not un-brilliant.

You don't like it? What
happened to us being friends?

Sasha?

Lily, this is the only me
time I'm getting today.

Even if you think what you're doing
is right, which you can't possibly,

there is no way Eric will
share a couch with her.

Honestly, he took the news
better than expected.

(LAUGHS)

I'd like to remind you that
you're still under contract

for another months.

(LAUGHS)

We are better than this.

Yes, we're a show that do a
lot on summer accessories,

and yes, last week we knifed
a well-respected journalist

just for a ratings spike,

- but we pride ourselves on integrity.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)

We do not throw each
other under the bus.

You know what, Lily?

You're right.

I am?

Once again, you're the one who's right.

We should be unwavering

in the face of audience
testing and Q scores

to create truly moralistic television

that reflects our own core values.

Yes.

Even if it means every single person
on this show loses their job.

Nikkii's hosting tomorrow morning.

Find a way to get on-board.

I don't know if the one strap is too...

O-M-G! Here she is. My producer!

It's like an ultimate makeover.

Last week I was coming
to work in trainers,

and this week I'm the host of
my very own breakfast show.

- (SQUEALS)
- I know. It's... unbelievable.

Can we?

- No, Nikkii...
- Just one.

(LAUGHS DELIRIOUSLY)

- Shh! Nik!
- What? What?

(WHISPERS) You sure? You
sure you want to do this?

You don't think I can?

I... I don't think you should do it.

It's not that I don't think
you have the talent.

It's just, like, I think it's a big...

Lily! I auditioned wearing a bikini.

I expected them to laugh.

But I have wanted this my whole life.

Okay. Okay, then...

we go to work.

I hope no one has any plans tonight.

(LAUGHS) I don't.

Oh, my girlfriend and I broke up.

Oh no, it's whatever. It's whatever.

You've gotta do what
you've gotta do, you know?

What she's gotta do is sleep with
every single girl in Northcote,

and I'm having these really intense
Jimmy Giggle dreams. It's like...

Okay, that's a lot.

And we're gonna talk about
that properly later on, but...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
What do we need?

Complex carbohydrates, caffeine... Yep.

- and Eric.
- Eric. Yeah, I'm on it.

I'll take the brain.
Politics, current affairs.

You're my clay to mould.

Ooh, exciting!

Indeed.

Thanks, Lily.

Let's do this!

Nikkii.

I can't! I haven't eaten breakfast
since I was years old.

You are not going on air

- until you eat something.
- Fine.

Minister for Health's
just gone to make-up.

Politics? Who even cares?

Keep practising with Eric.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Erica.
- Lily, what is going on?

I'm having a mental breakdown here.

I should have called. Sorry.

I've been patient and I know
you are about to go to air

and I've heard nothing
about my replacement.

I... I know. I know.... I know there's
been a few last-minute changes.

Right. Well?

You're not gonna like it.

It's Jennifer Hawkins, isn't it?

No.

Leigh Sales?

It's Nikkii.

Nikkii? Nikkii who?

Nikkii Steadman.

How's my hate sponge?

MAN: All right, seconds.

- Nine, eight, seven...
- Okay.

- Steady, steady, Nikkii Steadman.
- six, five...

It's just like diving off a cliff.

You'll be fine.

Welcome to The Breakfast
Bar. I'm Eric Albrechtsen.

And this morning, well, we've
kept you guessing, Australia.

We've kept you in the dark, and
now it's time to turn on that light.

Please welcome to the show,
the beautiful Nikkii Steadman!

Good evening, Eric.

Oh! Morning! No.

Time flies. Welcome, and boy do
we have a show for you today.

Poet, Amos P Brown and we take a
look at new pool filtration systems.

If that doesn't float your
boat, maybe this will.

Okay, folks, we are back in seconds.

Where is she?

Off like a rocket that way.

Nikkii.

I said good evening.

Yeah, only the am viewers saw that,

and this next segment
you know inside out.

Minister for Health.

Yeah, paid parental leave,
opinion polls, all on autocue.

I don't think I can
do this. I feel sick.

Nikkii, is that your phone in your hand?

- You don't know what they're saying!
- Give me your phone, Nikkii.

"Nikkii Steadman is so stupid, she
makes a black hole look bright."

Nikkii.

"A paddling pool has more
depth than this chick."

And what about this guy?

"She's not even that hot"!

Nikkii, you know more than anyone,

a new host is open slather.

You've got this!

Problem.

There's a story in the rolling news.

MP caught using taxpayer dollars.

Helicopter, family wedding.

Oh, no, we're not doing
news. I promised Nikkii.

Don't think we've got a choice.
He's mates with the minister.

- Sasha...
- He's on the couch.

It's a gift. Bambi in headlights.

seconds.

Fine, we...

Leave her on, but it is not
going to be a car crash.

Okay, hi, guys.

I've got a few changes
to the next segment.

It's a developing story.

Lily, you promised.

Paid parental leave,
opinion polls, nothing else.

Nikkii, I will feed you
the questions, okay?

Just listen to me.

And we're back in five,
four, three, two...

Welcome back, folks.

Joining us on the couch
today is Mr Ben Mullins.

Ben, of course, is the
Minister for Health,

here to answer questions
for "This Week in Politics".

- Good morning, Ben.
- Good morning, Eric.

We've had some pretty disturbing
news in this morning, Minister,

with some serious allegations
levelled against one of your...

All right, Nikkii, I want you to ask,

"Were you personally aware
of the misuse of funds?"

Nikkii, just ask the question.

Nikkii, you're fine.

Just, were you...

pers...

- (VOMITS)
- (ALL SCREAM)

Oh, God!

Oh, my...!

She just threw up on
the Health Minister!

Nikkii, Nikkii, it's okay. It's okay.

Nikkii, Nikkii. It's okay.

Ask the question.

The question that I wanted to ask is,

were you personally aware
of the misuse of funds?

(LAUGHS) Politics. Can make
you feel sick to the stomach.

(LAUGHS, COUGHS)

Were you aware...

That his closest friend in
parliament chartered a helicopter

to attend his niece's wedding?

A helicopter to attend
his niece's wedding?

Have you ever misused party funds?

Well, perhaps unknowingly.

Unknowingly.

Misused is a very strong term.

What word would you use, Minister?

I'm sorry if that upset you, but
you are the Minister for Health.

Do you feel uncomfortable
being around sick people?

Oh, snap!

Oh!

Uh!

When I made that audition
tape, I thought maybe, maybe,

Sasha might hire me as, like, an
entertainment reporter or something,

and now here I am, co-host,
a political report...

You're not a political reporter, Nikkii.

Nikkii, Nikkii!

Eric's agent wants to know
if you've got representation.

- (SQUEAKS)
- Just be careful...

Hello?

Hey.

- Romeo.
- Mmm.

No Juliet. You okay?

Uh, I may have overreacted slightly,

but she had a wet dog smell, so...

That's a bit superficial.

Well, it's true.

- Hi. Jeremy.
- Hi. Vincent.

Oh, guys, this is Jeremy.

- This is Simone and Pete.
- Pete. Pete.

And you guys know Alice.

She's going through a break-up.

So we are getting her drunk.

You know what? You'll need some sh*ts.

I'll get 'em.

Just don't let her get
her mitts on your phone.

She's swipe right happy.

Oh, her mitts.

You sounded pretty old there. (LAUGHS)

You're sounding like an old person.

Pete Pete? Pete Barnett?

- Life is Not a Love Song Pete?
- Yep.

- I'm a big fan.
- Oh.

I've read it. I loved it.

I was up all last night.
I was mesmerised.

Thanks. That's, um...

You know, I am so glad Lily didn't
burn an idea like that on a segment.

It was a close save.

Have you thought about
developing stuff for TV?

Oh, I...

No, breakfast TV is not
really Pete's thing.

Oh, forget breakfast.

No, I'm thinking Jon Ronson
meets Scorsese doing the Stones.

Classy, intelligent.

I like this guy.

- We should have a meeting.
- (TEXT MESSAGE ALERT)

- Sure.
- Yep, okay.

I'm gonna have to leave
you two love birds to it.

- Jack?
- Yeah.

Say hi from me.

Thanks.

You.

Ah!

You have five different
colour tones in your beard.

Yeah, you've mentioned that once before.

- Nikkii.
- Yeah, Pete.

So, the kitchen gets a lotta light.

- You don't like it?
- No.

It's impossible not to
like it. It's just...

It's so grown up.

The... the kitchen's got all
those, um, shiny knob thingies

- and it's got vents.
- Yeah,

it's got an oven and
everything, you know.

The bathroom needs a
bit of work, but look,

I thought... I thought
this could be a...

home office.

In case you want to work on
your own projects, you know,

would that be good for this?

Yeah, no, this would
be... perfect for that.

Really, Lil, be honest with me.

Like, I don't want to
push you into anything.

No. I love it.

I hate it.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It'll grow on you.

Like mould.

Can't believe you brought references.

(BUMPING AND SCRAPING ON THE ROOF)

What was that?

Uh, it's a possum.

Or maybe it's a ghost.

Or maybe it's a ghost possum.

(LAUGHS)

What?

To jumping off cliffs.

♪ I will always call you home. ♪

The relationship warning signs...

you shouldn't ignore.

The six signs he's going to propose.

Number One: He says, "We're a team."

- We're a team.
- Number Two: He increases his touch.

Three: You met family.

Four: He gets in your jewellery box.

- Five: You guys buy a house together.
- We're buying a house.

And Six: Secret meetings with your dad.

- What are you doing at the house?
- Jack asked me.

I wanna talk to you about something...

something big, actually.