02x06 - Broadcast Blues

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

All right, Dingoes, listen up!

We're gonna spend the rest of practice
running our favorite play.

There you go.

Score!

Carlos, we're playing basketball, man.

Yes.

But where I come from,
the ladies dig soccer.

(BUFFER WHIRRING)

-Louis.
-Yeah, bro.

-What are you doing here?
-I'm helping out Gus, the janitor.

I always get bored during that odd hour
between detention and dinner.

Why don't you go polish my plaques
in the trophy case, okay?

I'm trying to run some drills
with my players here.

Your players?

Last night you called them
a bunch of turnips in tennis shoes.

(LAUGHS)

I meant that in a good way.

Okay, well, I'm gonna grab
my play board.

Louis, keep an eye on them.

And guys, just, uh,
keep running that drill and remember,

once you pass the ball,
cut behind the other player.

Cool.

All right.

Well, don't just stand there.

Start, uh, weaving and bobbing
and whatever.

We can't. It's too hard.

It might be a little easier if you didn't
have a doughnut in your mouth.

What's the difference?
You never pass me the ball anyway.

Sorry, I don't want to get
jelly filling on it.

Guys, I have an idea.

How about you show me what you can do
and I'll tell how you bad you stink?

Good?

Score.

What do you think?
Precision, accuracy, coordination?

It looks great,
but what about actually using a ball?

Well, no. See, what we were doing
was visualization.

You know about that.
Remember that time

you were going out with that blonde
and you practiced kissing the pillow...

I know what visualization is.
Thanks, Louis.

Let's hope it works better for them
than it did for me.

Let's try it again, guys, one more time.

-Okay.
-Whoa!

-That's rocking.
-That's good. I'm impressed.

Mm-hmm. Well, my work here is done.

I've got some buffing to do, so...

Hey, Coach,
maybe Louis can be your assistant.

KIDS: Yeah.

Yeah. You did help them
get that last one pretty good.

-Oh.
-What do say, Louis?

You and me working together,
helping the kids?

All right, fine.
I'll be your assistant coach. Sure.

-KIDS: Yes.
-Great. There's only one problem.

-Oh, yeah, what's that?
-Your buffer's on the att*ck.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

-Hey, Ren.
-Oh, hey, Bobby.

What are you doing here?
I thought you had practice.

Oh. Well, I just got to run
a few extra laps.

I wanted to give you something.

I snagged an extra
oatmeal raisin cookie at lunch.

I know it's your favorite.

Thank you.

Sorry about the pocket lint.

(LAUGHS)

-Are you coming over tonight to study?
-Yeah.

Um, you know, I never really
liked homework until I met you.

All right, up top?

Okay.

-(CHUCKLES) See you tonight.
-Yeah, see you later.

Okay, pass it. Good, good, good.
Get the point.

All right, guys, come on.
Back on D, let's go!

Back on D.

D stands for defense. Go!

(CHEERING)

Time out, Dad!

-(WHISTLE BLOWS)
-Time out, Dingoes!

Okay, Dingoes, listen up, guys.

We're only down by one.
We can win this, okay?

Let's win our first game to gain
some momentum going into playoffs.

Wait, that didn't make any sense.

One win gets us into the playoffs?

There's only four teams in the league.
Everybody makes the playoffs.

Yeah, but only the top three teams
get a trophy.

Trophy!

-KIDS: Trophy! Trophy!
-Hey, Dingoes, Dingoes.

-KIDS: Trophy!
-Pay attention! Hey, listen.

We haven't won anything yet, okay?

Now, we're gonna run
the Double Down Screen for Tiffany.

You guys remember what that is, right?

Okay, look, after the in-bound,
the guard dribbles right,

the forward is on the block,
the center flashes high,

and the point dumps it off in the middle.

-What did you miss?
-Everything after... "pay attention."

Dude, I got an idea.

-I got an idea.
-No, Louis, no, not now!

I only have ten seconds
to try and figure something out here.

Listen to me, it's a great idea.

Please give me a chance.

All I need you to do
is stall Dad. That's it.

-Please?
-(SIGHS) Okay, fine. It's your call.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

All right, listen, guys.
Listen, come here.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Dad, you know those stripes
are very slimming on you.

Donnie, I told you.

When I'm on the floor, I'm just a ref.

No favoritism,
no terms of endearment, no compliments.

Thanks for noticing.

-Hey...
-(WHISTLE BLOWS)

All right, go, good. You guys got it.

Remember what you're
supposed to do.

So, what did you do?

You give them one of our plays
we worked on in practice?

No. It kind of came to me in a dream.

(BARKING)

(CHEERING)

Too much love! Too much love!

So the area of the triangle would be...

Oh, sorry.

I can't concentrate, Ren.

Well, that's all right.
Um, we can study math anytime.

Well, I was thinking, um...

I was wondering...

if you wanted to wear my jacket.

Your letterman's jacket?

Well, like... like...
like we're a couple, or...

Yeah. But you don't have to
if you don't want to.

-I just know it's getting chilly out....
-No, yeah.

Yes, I would love to wear
your letterman's jacket.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Great.
-{LAUGHS) It'd be really cool.

How do I look?

You look great.

All right!

Right. (CHUCKLES)

Up top, I forgot.

(LAUGHS)

KIDS: Yeah!

Guys, watch my couch.
Please chew with your mouth closed

so you don't get it
on my furniture and stuff.

-Louis, I heard you won your first game.
-Yeah, we did.

-Hey, buddy. It was a good game.
-All right.

Hey, I got to go
but I'll see you tomorrow at school.

Uh, yeah.

I'll be the one with your jacket on.

Put it there, huh?

DONNIE: Lou.

-What is this?
-That is a piece of paper.

It's made out of wood pulp...

Why does everybody keep hitting me?

I'm talking about what's written on it.

"Practice canceled for victory party."

Look, I'm the coach.
Who gave you permission?

Well, I had a little chat
with the assistant coach,

that would be me,

and he said it would be cool
if we just chilled tonight

took the night off,
and... and celebrated our first win.

LOUIS:
Want a piece of pizza? We got, uh...

peanut butter and pepperoni
or onions and okra.

Lou, you don't throw a party
after one win.

You work on the fundamentals
preparing them for the next game.

Look, I don't want the kids picking up
your bad habits.

(TIFFANY BELCHING)

Excuse me.

Tell me what's so wrong
about rewarding the kids

for doing a good game?
Tell me. Please.

Lou, look at them sitting around
eating pizza.

They're gonna get soft.

The playoffs are coming, man.
This is crunch time, not munch time.

I agree with you percent.
Let's go do a poll, huh?

-Let's do it.
-What?

All right, we're gonna take
a poll, guys. Ready? Okay?

Listen to me. Listen. All right.
What would you rather do?

Would you rather stay here,
celebrate, eat pizza,

or would you rather go back to the gym

and practice boring plays all day?

So, pizza or practice?

(KIDS CHANTING)
Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

-Pizza!
-All right.

Kids say the darndest things.

Louis... you're the coach now.

Enjoy the ride.

All right, guys.

Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza!

Pizza, pizza, pizza!

-Pizza, pizza, pizza!
-Hey, guys. Guys, listen up.

Things are gonna be a little
different now with me as the coach.

-Pizza, pizza, pizza!
-First of all...

Guys, settle down now, okay?

-Pizza, pizza, pizza!
-Dingoes!

-Pizza, pizza, pizza!
-Dingoes!

Pizza, pizza, pizza...

Dingoes!

-Donnie?
-DONNIE: Hey.

Dingoes have their big game today.

I'm not gonna go to the game.

I plan on staying home
and giving myself a manly pedicure.

Donnie...

Are you still angry
that Louis canceled the team practice?

Who's Louis?

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

You two boys haven't spoken
to each other for days.

Now, you are the oldest.

You go out there right now
and you end this.

You know what, Mom? You're right.

I'll feel much better
after I punch him out.

-STEVE: Ah!
-Eh!

There will be no punching out
in this house.

LOUIS: Hey, guys?

Guys, we're out of mousse.

Louis, where did you get those clothes?

Oh, this? There's a big game tonight.

You know, coach should look nice.

I borrowed the money from the towel fund
to buy these threads.

Fits really well.

Still no punching out?

-Not in the house. Take him outside.
-Okay.

I'm kidding.
v*olence isn't the answer.

I hope you're not letting this one-game
winning streak go to your head.

I'm just trying to build on that success.

The better you look,
the better your team plays.

Why are you guys riding me anyways?
I'm trying to be a good coach.

Good coach, Louis?
I taught those kids everything they know.

That's true, but they didn't
win a game until I got there!

You're going all the way to the top
with that bird dog play!

You're just mad because I'm finally better
at something than you are!

-(WHISTLE BLOWS)
-Hey! Double technical!

Unnecessary insults!

Stevens boys, separate!

Oh, honey.
Bobby left his jacket here.

Oh, no, Mom,
uh, he didn't leave it here.

I'm kind of... wearing it.

You're wearing his letterman jacket?

Oh, Ren, that's so romantic.

Yeah, I guess.

Honey, what's wrong?

Well, Mom... (SIGHS)

Gosh, I can't believe
I'm telling you this.

Um...

All Bobby wants to do is high-five me.

-That still means...
-Yes, it's...

Well, that's what I thought it meant.

I...

I just thought we'd be
like other couples, you know?

Romantic, like... like in the movies.

Oh, I see.

Bobby's a little slow on the smoocheroo.

-(CHUCKLES)
-Oh... Mom!

-(GROANS)
-EILEEN: Oh.

Ren. Honey, this is so common.

I remember when your father and I
went through that awkward stage

before the first kiss.

Dad was a high-fiver?

Much worse.

I had a great time at the dance.

-So did I.
-You did?

-Mm-hmm.
-Me, too.

-You're a great dancer.
-(LAUGHS) You, too.

You're... really good.

Well, good night.

Oh...

So how long did this bump thing last?

Oh, not long. Eventually, he got it right.

And so will Bobby.

Hmm. I don't know.

You know, I'd really rather
get a... a hip bump

than a stupid high-five.

Oh, you would? Uh-huh.

Oh, whoa.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

I'll take the high-five.

(EILEEN LAUGHS)

LOUIS: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER)
Ladies and gentlemen.

Children of all ages.

Please welcome your Pee-Wee League...

Dingoes!

(YELLING)

You like some of that stuff?
You like that?

All right, Dingoes,
let's go Dingo on them!

(ALL YELLING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

This stops right now

or I'm calling a technical foul
for taunting.

Dad, we didn't even get
to the fireworks display yet.

Show's over. Let's play ball!

All right, Dingoes, come on.
Let's go, let's go. Come on, come on!

We're gonna finish them off
'cause this is our house

and we're gonna show them
who their daddy is, alright?

It's spanking time!
Hands in, hands in!

ALL: One, two, three, Dingoes!

Get out there! Get out there! We rock!

You guys rock. You guys rock.

This is one train
that can't be stopped, I tell you.

What are you talking about?
They b*at us to .

No, I was referring
to the hard work and effort you put forth

to our half-time salute to Broadway.
It was awesome.

Ever since we won our first game,
you got us practicing stupid stuff,

like fake karate and tap dancing.

Yeah, at least Donnie tried to teach us
how to play basketball.

CHUCK: If we lose our last game

we could kiss that trophy goodbye.

Man, we're out of here.

Come on.

Dingoes, I'm not gonna chase you.

I'm the coach, you're the team.

You come back
when I say Dingoes, okay?

Dingoes!

(MAKING PLAYFUL NOISES)

(KNOCKING)

(BATH SQUEAKS)

Hey, can't a man exfoliate in peace?

Coach, we want to talk to you.

And who's "we"?

Coach, we need you to come back.

We gotta win those trophies.

Guys, you don't need me.

Look, we didn't win a single game
when I was your coach.

And besides,
Louis is your coach now.

Does he even know you guys are here?

Donnie?

Listen, there's only one person I know

that's man enough to coach
the Dingoes to victory and...

(SNIFFLES) ...uh, right now,
he's sitting in a bubble bath.

-Do you guys really want me back?
-KIDS: Yeah!

-Really?
-KIDS: Yeah!

Okay, I'll do it.

Oh! Hey, hey, I got it, son.

(CROWD CHEERING)

DONNIE: Now Dingoes!
Come on, guys, you can do it!

-(CHEERING)
-(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey, Tiffany, nice sh*t. Good job.

Chucky, go, boy. Way to set the pick.

(CHEERING)

DONNIE: In the hole, Chuck,
there you go.

Pass it to Tiff.

(CHEERING)

(SIGHS)

Bobby, we need to talk.

Yeah, sure. Anything.

We've been going out
and everything's been fine, right?

Yeah. It's been cool.

And, um, the best thing
that a couple can have is communication.

Communication.

No, no, no, no!
Not another high-five.

What's the matter?
What's wrong with a high-five?

Nothing, except once in a while
it'd be nice to get a little smoocheroo!

(ECHOING) Roo... roo.. roo... roo...

(LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

that was just one of the,
uh, delightful lines

from the up-and-coming play
called Kiss Me, Kate.

I hope you'll all buy tickets.

It's a great show, really.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, show's over!

Let's get back to the game.

(WHISTLE BLOWS )

Come on, guys.
Play on, you guys. Let's go.

(EXHALES)

DONNIE: Yeah.
Move, move, move, move!

Hey, you guys, let's go, let's go!

Get your guy.
Stick him, Chuck. Stay on him.

Time out, guys, time out.

Hustle in.
Come on, come on, hurry up.

(PANTING) Can I... get some of that?

Sorry, bro, we're fresh out.

Okay, Dingoes, listen up.

We have three seconds left
to make a sh*t and win this game, okay?

Okay, Coach, what do we do?

Yeah, we need a perfect play.

Okay, excuse me one second, guys.

-Louis, get over here.
-Yeah, okay, all right.

Louis, we got a problem.

What play are we gonna call?

They know I'm gonna give Tiffany
the last sh*t.

They'll be hanging all over her.

Then don't go to her.

Then who do we go to?

The person they'd least suspect.

-Carlos?
-Carlos. Right.

Carlos is the worst player on the team.
He still thinks we're playing soccer.

I'm only standing right next to you.

Oh, um, sorry, man.

Listen, Donnie, it'll work. Trust me.

Okay. Let's do this. Let's go.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(BUZZER)

(LOUD CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Whoo!

And now it's time
for our trophy presentation.

Third place trophies go to the Dingoes!

(CHEERING)

Come and get 'em, kids, but be careful.

They're lighter than you think.

Good job, guys.

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

(KNOCKING)

I'll get it.

Hey.

Can I come in?

Yeah. Sure.

Look, um, I'm really sorry
about what happened at the gym.

Look, I know I haven't kissed you yet,

but it's not that I haven't thought
about it because I have.

A lot.

And I guess I was a little nervous,

and I thought it would be better
to take things slow.

Well, look, I can't blame you.

I mean, we never really communicated
the whole... kiss thing and...

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey, kids.
Just trying out my new whistle.

Why, listen to the tone
on this puppy would you?

(TOOTING)

What a beauty, huh?

(WHISTLE BLOWS LOUDLY)

Yep. The Acme Thunderer. though.
there's a great American whistle,

if you want a great American whistle.

Has a lot of power, a lot of oomph.