02x10 - Devil Mountain

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

REN: Hey, what did you get for six?

BOBBY: I got B, the spotted owl.

STEVE: Right... fourth period?

Third period, yeah, sure, whatever.

Okay, I'll kiss you...
I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

Hi, Dad. We were just,
uh, doing some homework.

-Uh-huh.
-We both got B. Right?

Yeah, B. The spotted owl. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

By the way, that was your teacher,
Linda Lovelson on the phone.

Just thought you should know.

She wants me to come in and guest lecture
your Life Science class tomorrow.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Cool.

Uh, my dad and Miss Lovelson
are in the same bird-watching group.

Well, we can talk about that
tomorrow, huh, Dad?

Yeah.

I love nature.

I was a Boy Scout until I was .

Great activity for a young man.

In fact, I was
before I started thinking about girls.

You like nature, Bobby?

Me? Uh, yeah.

Do you?

We got to get back to work now.

-Okay.
-Okay.

I'll be, uh... I'll be right out here.

-In the kitchen.
-Mm-hmm.

Right on the other side of this door.

-Parents...
-You kids want a snack?

Tom, old buddy, old pal
I have to hand it to you.

Your very own pizza oven.
Stroke of genius.

Yeah, it was Doris' idea.

Doris?

Oh, Mother.

She's worried I don't socialize enough
with kids my own age.

-Which is nonsense.
-(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Aha!

Trying to take my bishop.

I know you too well, Mr. Smarty Trousers.

Hey, Tom, what's up with this thing, man?

It's not hot anymore.

The heating coil must have burnt out.

Don't fear.

Mother will pick us one up
at the hardware store tomorrow.

But, uh, for now,
how about I show you two heathens

the finer points of chess?

You know, I'm a master.

Uh, Tom, you know, I probably have a...

a lot of homework I should try.

Right.

We probably have a book report or two,

'cause there's him and me.

-Uh, you call him.
-Yeah.

TOM: Yeah, well, see you.

-TWITTY: All right, see you, Tom.
-I had a blast today.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-(SIGHS)

This isn't just any old plate of nachos.

I call these "shirt wreckers,"

'cause you can't eat them
without getting them on your shirt.

(LAUGHING)

Daddy, I thought we said
we weren't hungry.

Thanks, Mr. Stevens. Um...

I make these for my little brother
all the time.

Only they're... not this huge.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

A little brother, huh?

-Any other siblings?
-Dad...

I'm just trying to get to know Bobby.

STEVE: Any other brothers or sisters?

For the last time, Deaver,
give me the information!

Don't tell him anything, Bobby.

He's just a nosy grownup.

-(SLAMS FIST)
-Don't make me go bad cop on you, dirtbag!

All right.

I have a sister.

I got a sister, too.

Ren's Aunt Louise.

Went to Stanford Law.

Very strong program there.

Ever get up too quickly, get light-headed?

That happened to me today.

(SIGHS)

All right, so the farmer's like,

"You can sleep in my barn,
but whatever you..."

Hey, pals, Dr. Gribalski here
with news from the front.

Tom, Louis is telling a joke.

Oh, scusi.

Please finish
with your funny comedy gag.

Anyway, so the farmer's like,

"If you hear anything
in the middle of the night..."

(TOM LAUGHING)

I love this one. I love it. I...

Sorry.

Sorry. Please continue.

All right, so the alien's
sleeping in the barn

and he hears this blood-curdling scream,

-and he...
-Like this:

(SCREAMING LOUDLY)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Oh, I hate to say it, Mr. Lou, but...

I don't think you told it right.

What are you doing?

Uh, I was...

Dude, you can't just walk up
and start flapping your lips like that.

What's the big deal?
What's so important?

It better be good news about
the pizza oven, Tom

'Cause right now I'm in no mood.

(STUTTERS) Yeah,
it's about the pizza oven.

That's right.

Yeah, well, the heating coil
is gonna take a little while.

I thought you said
Doris could just pick one up.

Sorry. Could take a little while.

Like, a year... or two.

Or never.

And I'd appreciate it if you'd refer
to my mother as Mrs. Gribalski.

I didn't know your dad
was into birds and everything.

Are you kidding me, Nelson?
My dad's practically Mr. Outdoors.

Well, if my dad was on his way here,

I'd be getting an embarrassment rash

in places I'm too embarrassed
to tell you about.

Well, for your information, Nelson,

my dad's not coming here
to embarrass me.

He happens to be one of the area's
foremost authorities on the dickcissel.

(SNICKERING)

I'm sure the lecture will go very well.

Hey. Ren, did you get a chance
to read my gossip column?

No, but I'm sure
it's gonna be just fine.

Well, I kind of thought
you'd want to sign off on it

before we print it
for all the world to see.

Okay, just give me the highlights.

Okay, uh, Doyle Taylor
has a crush on Stacy Funk.

Marvin Hanks was spotted
at the Wack Shack with Frieda Richards,

and...

And?

And Mandy Sanchez
has a crush on Bobby Deaver.

NELSON: You mean Mandy
"Always Gets Her Man" Sanchez

has a crush on Bobby?

I'm really sorry, Ren.
Should I k*ll the story?

(STEVE CAWING LOUDLY)

Hi, sweetheart!

(SIGHS)

Birds.

Airborne beauties

or rats with wings?

For the next minutes,
I'll be taking you up-close and personal

with the birds of the Sierra Foothills.

(CAWS LOUDLY)

(STEVE READING)

Say it with me.

ALL: Bird.

STEVE: Very good.

Sail on, oh, bird of fate.

Sail on, oh, birdy.

(COOS AND CAWS)

(SINGING)
Migratory North American songbird

-Grab it and...
-(g*n CLICKS)

-(g*nsh*t)
-(CHUCKLES)

No, I wouldn't do that.

And there he was,

the yellow-bellied sapsucker,

actually sucking sap.

LINDA: (CRYING)
That was just wonderful.

-STEVE: Thank you.
-Okay, guys.

Wasn't that wonderful, huh?

Thank you.

You've been a great audience, really.

You know, I don't usually do this,

but, Linda, with your permission,

I'd like to invite you all
to the Devil Mountain Wilderness

to observe the migration
of the winter bufflehead.

(GASPS) Wow!

I happen to know we have got a lot
of bufflehead fans in here.

Is that right?

Well, do I have any takers?

STEVE: Bobby, okay.

Anyone else?

Good.

Okay!

This is gonna be a day
of good, clean fun.

-Can I ask you a personal question?
-Uh, no.

What kind of underarm deodorant
do you use?

Dude, come on.

Dude, I'm sorry, it's just I'm bored

and I'm trying to make
polite conversation.

I use Fresh Guy.

Dude, do you smell what I smell?

-(SNIFFING)
-Look.

TWITTY: Tom is eating
cheesy pizza, man.

Can you believe that? The guy lied to us.

Hey, Gribalski!

Thought you said your oven
was gonna be busted for a year.

Oops! Guess I made a boo-boo.

Hey, is that any way
to treat your friends, man?

Well, this hot, delicious pizza

is for people that care about me,

and not for two-faced
pizza pigs like you.

Now, get off my property!

Hey, this is the sidewalk, Tom, okay?
This is public property.

Right, and... and the law says
that we can camp out here for two weeks

and there is nothing
you can do about that.

Really?

-He crusted me.
-That is hurtful.

LOUIS: That is hurtful, Tom!

REN: I wouldn't need new hiking boots

if Dad would just stay out
of my social life.

Okay, not following.

Mom, I am almost ,
which is almost ,

with is practically .

I need to start keeping my home life
and my school life separate.

Separate from Dad, anyways.

Oh, honey. See, I know,

I know your dad can sometimes
really go over the top, but he...

Oh, he really loves you

and I happen to know he is so thrilled

that you are going with him tomorrow.

Try and make it work.

-Okay.
-All right.

EILEEN: Why do I have all this pizza?

-Louis.
-Yes?

When you knocked over
that pyramid of beef stew cans

was that to distract me
while they rang up...

$ worth of frozen pizza?

Okay, I could have gotten
my hiking boots.

Sorry, sis, listen.

I'm on a four-slice-a-day
habit, all right?

Just... Let's preheat the oven to

and discuss this in a calm
and reasonable manner.

Does she really need
glitter eye shadow just to go hiking?

(COUGHING)

Thank you, ladies, thank you.

I just to repel the insects,
not drown them.

Oh, trouble at six o'clock.

-Hi, Bobby.
-Hi.

Mandy.

Hello, Ren.

Bobby and I
were just laughing at the fact

that we're both wearing brand-new
Teton 's. (GIGGLES)

Wow, there's nothing funnier
than a good shoe coincidence, huh?

Yeah. Oh, your boots are classics.

Weren't they on display
at the Museum of Hiking?

(CAWING)

Okay, kids, let's huddle up.

(STEVE CAWING)

Okay, g*ng, we're all geared up.

Now, the trails are clearly marked,

but I still don't want anyone
leaving the visitor's area

unless you have a trail buddy.

Trail buddy?

STEVE: So let's pair up. Nelson...

you and Ruby team up.

Bobby and Mandy,

and Natalie, Ren, and myself.

So, if there are no further questions,

we'll all meet back here at hours.

(BIRD SCREECHING)

STEVE: Oh, this is very rare.

That could be a red-breasted nuthatch.

-You see her?
-Mm-hmm.

Ah. I think Miss Nuthatch
is looking for a mate.

REN: Yep, that's what
she's doing, alrighty.

So, you think everyone's having fun?

Yeah, Dad, everyone's having
a fantastic time.

Something bothering you?

Yeah, you.

Why can't you just realize
that I'm in a relationship?

You and Bobby?

Oh, honey, I'd hardly call
a school girl crush a relationship.

Hey, look, a scissortail flycatcher.

You just can't deal with the fact

that I'd rather be down there
with my boyfriend

than up here
watching stupid birds with you!

I don't even like birds, okay?

I think they're dirty,
dumb, and boring!

Young lady, you are very lucky
birds have notoriously bad hearing.

Well, then I'll say it louder then.

(SHOUTING)
I hate birds! (ECHOES)

That's it! Back to the van!

We are no longer trail buddies.

That's just fine with me, Dad.

Stupid birds.

I don't even know
why we watch 'em, anyway.

They should be watching us.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Please, take your seats.

First of all, I just want to thank
you guys for coming on such short notice.

I really appreciate it.

What's going on?
I mean, you paged me like ten times.

As you may have heard,
yesterday Mr. Twitty and I

experienced what one would call

a major dissing,

courtesy of a seventh-grader,
Mr. Tom Gribalski.

I feel violated.

Friends just don't
treat friends like that.

We need to show this Mr. Gribalski

that revenge is swift.

-And, oh, so sweet.
-TWITTY: Sweet.

Mr. Stevens, very sweet.

Why are we using last names?

I, uh...

Okay, so this is all about
getting even with Tom

because he lied to you
about his pizza oven.

That's right.

Miss Dean appears to be leaving.

Yeah, that's right. I'm leaving.

Tawn...

No. Don't try to tell me
that Tom is your friend, okay?

You guys just used him.

Do you even know anything about him?

For example, did you know
that his father is a nurse?

Or did you know
that Tom collects lead soldiers?

Or did you know that right this second

Tom is representing our school
in the sectional chess meet?

Look, all I know

is he used to make us pizza,
and now he don't.

(BOTH SNICKER)

You know, Louis,

no one can disappoint me
quite like you can.

I am not lost.

I'm not lost.

I'm not lost.

I think I'm lost.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(BRANCH CRACKING)

(SCREAMING)

Ah!

I broke a nail!

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(MOUTHING) Loser.

(BIRD CAWING)

REN: Dad?

Dad, how did you find me?

I figured you'd miss the sign
and wander down the Devil's Backside.

Sure enough, I was able to see
your head sticking out of the cr*ck.

Oh. Look, I'm really sorry. I never...

Oh, honey, honey, I'm sorry.

You're growing up so fast

and it's hard for me.

I've been treating you like a little girl
and it's my fault.

I'm sorry.

Honey, there's a small rock slide
headed our way.

Watch your head.

You don't have to impress anyone.

Not Bobby Deaver or anyone else.

You're a special girl.

And if you ever want
to talk about relationships,

-I'm there for you.
-I know.

I know, Dad.

I love you.

I love you, too.

-Let's get you out of here.
-Okay.

(HORN BLARING)

Guys, what are you doing?

Nathan just broke down
Tom's defense.

-Oh, yeah? All right, De...
-...fense!

-De...
-...fense!

-De...
-...fense!

-De.. De... De...
-...fense ...fense ...fense...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

-De.. De... De...
-...fense ...fense ...fense...

-Go! Go!
-Tom! Tom!

-Tom! Tom!
-Go! Go!

-Go! Go!
-Tom! Tom!

-Tom! Tom!
-Go! Go!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Go, Tom! Go, Tom!

Go, Tom! Go, Tom!

Go, Tom! Go, Tom! Go, Tom!

(ALL CHEERING)

Checkmate!

(ALL CHEERING)

Tom Gribalski, you just won
the district chess championship.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna go get my windbreaker.

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay. First we get Mandy in the van,
then I'll get in, then you get in,

and Ren and Bobby can be reunited
in the middle seat once again.

-NELSON: It's not gonna work.
-Why not?

Because you just don't give away
a name like

Mandy "Always Gets Her Man" Sanchez.

I mean, come on. Look at him.
He's under her spell.

RUBY: But Ren's relationship is at stake.
Come on, you guys.

Ruby, maybe me and Bobby
don't have a relationship.

Let's go.

We had the best time.

We saw a woodpecker and six blue jays.

-Didn't we, Bobby?
-Sure did.

(MANDY CHUCKLES)

Well, it's time to get in the van, Mandy.

Oh, my gloves! I left them down
by the water fountain.

-Can you come with me to go get them?
-I'll get them with you.

And I'll tell you what.
On the way home,

why don't you sit in front with me?

I'd love to hear about your day.

Uh...

Please.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh.

So, did you have a fun time?

Yeah, it was awesome.

-It's really beautiful out here, you know?
-Yeah.

I missed you, though.

You did?

Yeah, I felt weird
being paired up with Mandy.

I felt like she was crowding me all day.

Really? I didn't notice.

So, did you have fun?

Yeah. It was interesting.

But then it always is
when I'm hanging out with my dad.

This is so good, Tom.

My compliments to the chef.

Grazie.

Checkmate.

-One more time. One more time.
-All right.

(MUMBLING)
Anything on my face?

No, you look okay.

-Really? Okay.
-TAWNY: Yeah.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)