02x13 - A Very Scary Story

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

REN: Louis! Come on,
it's been over an hour.

I've got to fix my hair!

I've got a date with Bobby.

What are you doing in there?

What are you doing in there?

How dare you?

What if I was doing
something stupid, Ren?

Uh, as opposed to this?

I happen to be flossercizing,
all right?

You know what?
This is really ridiculous, even for you.

For your information

flossercizing contains
the benefits of dental hygiene

as well as a full aerobic workout.

And I think people
will pay dearly for that, Ren.

Someone is going to pay dearly for that
all right, you weirdo.

(SCREAMING)

Donnie, help me!

WOMAN: Le plume de ma tante

est dans le bureau de mon oncle.

The plum in my pants?

That can't be right.

Donnie, help!

(YELLS) Flee!
It's the bride of Flossenstein!

You are the most infuriating...

You're influiat... ering.

Hey, hey, hey.
Look, I have one day to learn French.

That's realistic.

Don't worry.
Ren won't disturb you anymore.

Just make sure Miss Prissy-Pants
respects my floss time.

Well, when I get my hands on you
you will not have teeth left to floss!

Oh, is that, is that a thr*at?!

It's a promise!

Guys, hold it!

You guys need to see this.

What, you lifting weights
in your bathing suit?

-We already saw that.
-(BEEPING)

I meant this.

(GRUNTING)

It's my chair!

Always, always with the chair!

Will you guys cut it out?

Look, I was trying to tape
the football game last week

but I got this instead.

(SOFT MUSIC COMING FROM VIDEO)

Welcome back to Sibling Sessions.

Now, Kevin,
I want you to turn to your sister, Wendy.

I want you to tell her...

from your heart, okay...

the real reason why you treat her
the way you do.

Kevin, you're in way over
your head, man. Get out.

Shh, I want to hear this.

It's nothing against you, Wendy.

You're the best.

I guess the reason I act the way I do

is because of my own insecurities.

Deep down, I'm just a loser.

That Kevin guy is a disgrace
to brothers everywhere.

You know, they film
right here in Sacramento?

You guys should go in
for an audition.

I'm in for that.

I mean, that host seems
really insightful.

There is nothing in the world
that would make me go on that show.

And for appearing on our show today,
Kevin and Wendy will receive two tickets

to Happy Mountain Amusement Park.

That's Happy Mountain!

A whole big heap of fun,
or your money back.

Happy Mountain, Daddy likey.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-That's Bobby.
-Uhum.

My chair.

You see?

I fit in it like a new car.

Try to keep your disappointment
in check, Ren.

It's only your oldest
and dearest friend, Nelson.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just expecting Bobby.

I know, that's why I'm here.

He called me and asked me to tell you
that he had to cancel.

He had some work to finish up
with his lab partner or something.

Oh, I wonder why he didn't just call.

He tried. I tried.

Your phone's out of order.

Really? Out of order?

(SINGING) Happy Mountain,
The big old rock of fun!

Louis, what did you do to my phone?

Uh, uh, your phone.

About that, um...

Yeah, no, no, don't worry.
Ren's phone is totally waterproof.

Hello? Hello?

The shower?

Uh...

(SCREAMING)

Hey, save it for the show!

Excuse me, Nelson.

I got to get back to work.

WOMAN: Bonjour, comment allez-vous?

Bone-jour, come and tally food.

-What are you trying to do?
-I'm studying French.

I've got this date tomorrow

with this beautiful
foreign exchange student.

Hmm, bonne chance, mon ami.

Hey, do you know you speak French?

Yeah, I spent two summers
at French camp.

I thought it was going to be something
else but it turned out to be okay.

Hey, you want to come
on my date with me to translate?

You want me to go on the date with you?

But what if she says something,
you know, personal?

Uh, well, you can still translate.
Just plug your ears.

Right.

NELSON: Thanks for taking me
to Nurse Phil.

Sure. How'd you do that?

Well, I was just trying to see
if it was, uh...

possible to give myself a wedgie.

(GIGGLES) Turns out I can.

Oh!

I feel so much better.

That's really weird.

So, how do you get
your arm to bend like that?

I have a flexated skeletal structure.

In layman's terms, I'm double-jointed.
I hope it comes in handy later in life.

Nelson!

Thanks, Ren.
I guess I won't be needing Nurse Phil.

In the science lab.

It's Bobby.

And Mandy
"Always-Gets-Her-Man" Sanchez.

You did not tell me
that he was her lab partner.

He failed to mention
that part on the phone.

(BELL RINGS)

Hi, Bobby.

Hey, Ren.

Mandy.

Ren. Love the lipstick.

That color works so well
on your thin lips.

You know, I really wonder
what it would look like on a fat lip.

(LAUGHTER)

NELSON: Okay, Ren.

Don't you need to talk to Bobby
about that thing?

Oh, the-the thing.

The thing.
The thing, yeah.

Excuse me just a second.
I need to talk to my boyfriend.

Okay, why didn't you tell me
that Mandy was your lab partner?

I don't know.
I didn't think it'd matter.

Does it matter?

Yeah, she's totally flirting with you.

Hey, come on. It's just Mandy.
I mean, she does it with everyone.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I guess I'm just overreacting.

So, I'll see you later.

Of course.

BLACKBURN: Don't worry about it?

Don't worry about it?

They just can't cancel!

Where am I supposed to find
two bickering siblings

at a moment's notice?

(CRASHING)

You tripped me.

Now, why would I do that?

It's not like you got
goopy ice cream in my hair.

Did it ever occur to you
that your hair got in my ice cream?

Did that enter your skull?

Hello, I'm David Blackburn.

Sir, yeah, I'm Louis Stevens.
This is Cruella.

Great, great, great!

Look, you're on in five minutes, okay?

And save the delightful
squabbling for the cameras, huh?

Wait, Mr. Blackburn.

We just came in here for an interview
and you want us on the show right now?

Sir, uh, excuse me
when I win the tickets for Happy Mountain

do I get some kind of VIP pass
or something?

Like, can I cut all the lines
or do I got to wait for the slobs?

What's the deal, huh?

Whoa, Whoa.... Wait a second...
this is Sibling Sessions, right?

What happened to the dignified set?

It's trashed.
Sibling Sessions is now Sib Wars.

We kind of stunk in the ratings
so we had to jazz up the format.

Happens to everyone.

Hear the : news
is getting jousting sticks.

Hair, baby, hair!

-That's yours.
-Thank you. All right.

Is my hair on straight?

-Looks good.
-Garin!

Uh...

-So, Ren, may the best man win.
-No, forget this, okay?

Sibling Sessions was a forum
for intelligent discussion.

Sib Wars... come on.
It's a cheesy game show.

And you're afraid of losing
to me in front of everyone.

I'm-I'm sorry, what did you...

You're afraid of losing to me
in front of...

Okay, there is nothing in the world
that you could possibly b*at me at.

I could even
grow a mustache before you.

You could... in fact,
it's coming in quite nicely.

Okay, you want to throw down
with your big sis?

You're invading my space right now.

Do you? Do you?
You want a piece of me?

-You want a piece of me?
-I want to throw down like this.

-You do? You do?
-I want a chunk of you, not a piece.

-I want the whole thing.
-I'm coming at you.

(SHOUTING)

BOTH: Oh, yeah, fine!

(GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Welcome to the new and improved
Sib Wars!

With your host, the handsome,
the talented...

David Blackburn!

That's me!

(APPLAUDING ALONE)

Let's meet our battling sibs.

Louis and Ren Stevens!

All right, Ren, why don't you tell me
a little something about your brother?

Oh, well,

he's in, uh, seventh grade,
he eats cereal through his nose

and he wears my mother's slippers.

Wait, wait, let me-let me...
let me make that clear.

Um, I only wear them
'cause they're cozy.

DAVID: We're not here
to judge, okay?

-LOUIS: Right.
-(CHORTLING)

Mama's slippers.

Louis, tell me a little
something about Ren here.

Ren's in the eighth grade.

She alphabetizes her underwear,
and she has webbed feet.

I do not have webbed feet.

Really? Ren, then explain to me

-the skin between the toes.
-REN: You know what? You should...

Why don't you explain to me
what that is there.

(LOUIS AND REN ARGUING)

Wow! Okay! That's good stuff.

Let's get started.

-Round One! Brainbusters!
-(BELL DINGS)

Where we're going
to test your knowledge

on a variety of subjects.

-See ya.
-BLACKBURN: Ow!

Our categories are...

"Funny Fat Guys,"

"Things That Smell Like Other Things,"

"Pranks on Grandma..."

Excuse me, what is this?
This is stupid.

And our last category...

"This is Stupid."

Now, this involves things

that are really, really stupid,
all right? Louis!

You're the youngest.
Choose first.

I'll take "Funny Fat Guys,"
Dave-a-loosh.

-This coming...
-Chris Farley.

That is correct. Next category.

Well, Dave-a-rooni, I'll take
uh, "Pranks on Grandma."

-"You're at Thanksgiving dinner..."
-(BELL DINGS)

Hiding her dentures inside the turkey!

Amazing! That is correct!

-(CHEERING)
-(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELL DINGS)

Itching powder in her orthopedic shoes.

-(BELL DINGS)
-Animals dressed as humans.

-(BELL DINGS)
-That's my favorite one.

(BELL DINGS)

(BELL DINGING)

Okay, welcome back.

The score for the end
of Round One is

Louis Stevens, ...

(CHEERING)

Ren Stevens, zero.

(BUZZER)

It's time for Round Two.

The Pudding Pit of Doom!

(LAUGHS) Ren Stevens,
this is your chance to catch up.

They will both walk out
onto the plank.

The objective to this game

is to force your opponent into the tub
of generic pudding-like substance.

You have to use trickery,

evil facial expressions
or a combination of the two.

Oh, and, uh, watch
for hidden surprises. (LAUGHS)

The last one standing wins points.

Prepare to plunge, pudding boy.

BLACKBURN: That's the spirit.
Ready, and... Go!

Hey, Ren, if you fall in the pudding

your webbed feet are going
to come in handy.

-Oh, really? Really? Really?
-Yeah. Yeah.

You know, Louis,
this is really ridiculous.

You win. I'm out of here.

What are you talking about?
Are you leaving?

-No!
-Aah! Aah!

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) You can't b*at me!
I'm the prince of the plank, Ren!

-Can't b*at me! No!
-(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm the prince of the plank!

Whoa...

Unfortunately...

that's not the best tasting pudding.
(GIGGLES)

The score is now tied
but we're out of time.

Louis and Ren
will be back tomorrow

for the final round,
where they'll have seconds

to humiliate each other

and I encourage you both
to get nasty.

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)

Sandrine, you are very pretty.

Sandrine, tu es très jolie.

Merci.

Thank you.

Le poulet est très magnifique.

Et les pommes de terre.

Dude, she's blowing kisses at me.

-What'd she say?
-She really likes the food.

Oh.

And that she's never seen
an American man

with such handsome features.

For real?

No.

Qu'est-ce qu'il a dit?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Nelson, why don't you run along.

I can take it from here.

-Oh, no.
-What? Are you okay?

You pesky little pepper.

-Are you okay?
-No. I'm allergic to peppers.

I get severe hot face!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Dude, check this out,
check this out.

I got Ren in the ultimate humiliation.
I'm serious. Just look.

Look at her go. There it is. There.

Look at that.

Uh, all she's doing is brushing her teeth.

No. No. Look at the technique.
You see that?

She's doing that upward thing.
You're not supposed to be doing that.

You're supposed
to be doing little circles.

-Oh-ho...
-You see? I got her. I got her.

You got nothing.

You're right. I got nothing.

She's as clean as a Dutch whistle.

I'm toast.

Do you see what I see, man?

What?

Do you see that?

Dude, you don't have
a chance with her.

No, no, no.

Dude.

Hey, isn't that Ren's boyfriend?

Yeah, but that's not Ren.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

We got to film this.

Here we go.

You're getting that, right?

Jackpot.

(BEEPING)

This is so good, it's scary.

Ooh, la, la.

Donnie...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

She said, "Bring me a cool washcloth

"and some milk and cookies,"
and step on it.

You know, Nelson, you're looking
much better right now.

Allez! Allez!

Sandrine...

Uh, what should I do
with the milk and cookies?

Oh, those are for you.

You can take them outside
to the yard.

Sandrine...

(LAUGHING AND SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BELL DINGING)

REN: I'm going to humiliate Louis
by showing his actual bed sheet.

This stain right here

is a mixture of pasta,
pork gravy and cat hair

and we don't have a cat,
so you guys just do the math.

Now, this mystery stain over here

has actually started to grow spores.

Yes, tiny fungus.

We're waiting for the lab results.

-(BELL DINGS)
-Oh, well, you're out of time.

-Ren, nice work.
-Thank you.

You cut him to shreds,
and then you stomped on him.

-All right!
-Whoo!

Lou...

Lou-insky... (GIGGLES)

you must be totally humiliated.

Well, no, I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Well, you're going to have
your opportunity

to put your sister,
Ren Stevens, on the Throne of Shame

when we return after these low-budget
local messages.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-(MUSIC STOPS)
-All right, kids, take a break.

Dude, you're looking
a little wobbly there.

Yeah, well, at least
I'm still standing.

Can't wait till I get her on the throne.
Give me the tape.

Yeah, dude, after you show
that tape of Bobby and Mandy

your skanky sheet is going
to be smelling like a rose

and she'll be crying like a baby, bro.

-All right, bro.
-Yeah!

Go get 'em, man.
Go get 'em.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

And we are back.
This time Ren Stevens

is on the Throne of Shame.

So, Ren, I'm guessing
if you win here today

you're not going
to be taking your brother

to Happy Mountain with you.

No. No, no, no. I'm not.

I'm actually taking
someone really special.

Oh. Now, who would this
special someone be?

Well, my boyfriend, Bobby.

-BLACKBURN: Boyfriend. Okay.
-Uh-huh.

-Can I say hi?
-Give a shout out.

Hi, Bobby.

I just wanted to say... hi

and I'm really happy we're together

and I just hope we can stay together
for a really long time.

Okay. That was so precious.

Louis!

You're up.

This is your opportunity
to humiliate your sister.

Yeah.

Well?

Well, uh, Ren is...

Ren, uh...

Well, the truth is, uh, sir...

I didn't come prepared.

That... that is so typical.

Well, I mean, I did catch her
brushing her teeth inefficiently

but I taped over that.

Well, uh, my little friend,
I'm sorry, but, uh...

that does nothing to help your case.

Or our ratings,
for that presentation.

So I am forced to declare...
Ren Stevens

the winner!

-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Hey, whatcha doing?

Oh, hi, Ren. I'm just thinking.

Finger cheese?

-No, thanks.
-No?

So, how does it feel to be a big winner?

All right, I guess.

What's the deal with the show?

It was like you didn't even try
to humiliate me.

Not that you even could, but...

Ren... here.

(SQUEAKS)

Where is it? Here.

I think there's something you should see.

What's this?

Hi, Ren. How'd it go?

Not so good. It's, uh, over.

-No.
-Yeah.

No. Ren, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'll... I'll be fine.

All right.

Look, I want to thank you
for not showing the tape on TV.

Oh, no, Ren, you're my sister.
I wouldn't do you like that.

-I know, but still.
-Yeah.

-Thanks.
-Mm-hmm.

So, Ren, would this be a bad time

to ask you about taking me
to Happy Mountain?

Yeah, this would be a bad time.

It would? What was I thinking?

Um... sorry.

Ren, when do you think you'll know?

I-I don't know.

You don't?
Not even a guess?

-No.
-No. Hm.

Right. Right, of course.

Ren, listen, I'm trying
to be sensitive, okay?

But how long will whatever
you're going through

take to end, Ren?

I don't know, Louis.

Try when I'm feeling a little better.

I didn't mean it like that.

I don't want you to be mad
at me, or anything.

I'm practicing standing sit-ups,
is what I'm doing.

Ren, listen...

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Cool.

I still got it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)