(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)
(expl*si*n)
Football, gymnastics,
discus,
basketball...
Oh, yeah, and of course,
Ultimate Frisbee.
TWITTY: What doesn't
your brother do?
Uh...
It's kind of like
you're George Pitt.
George Pitt?
Yeah, you know, if, like Brad Pitt
had a younger brother
and even if, you know
you did all these great
things on your own
it really wouldn't make a difference
'cause you'd never match up
to all your brother's
accomplishments.
Thank you, man,
no, really, thanks
is there any... is there anything
else you want to say to me?
Yeah, your life stinks.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Windsprints, anyone?
Uh, yeah.
I know we should be out
there doing windsprints
like everybody else
but he was feeling
lightheaded
-Like...
-So I was just assisting him.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You were trying
to cut P.E., Stevens...
something your brother Donnie
never did when he was here.
Noses on the wall,
both of you!
You know, Stevens
tomorrow afternoon
when I enshrine your brother
into our hall of fame
I was thinking of starting off
with a little story.
It was years ago,
and I was working yard duty
at Brookwell Elementary
when I noticed
this raven-haired kindergarten
kid playing tetherball
with the fifth graders
and quite frankly,
putting them to shame.
(GROANING)
Have a nice run?
Yeah.
Beans, what are you
doing in our house?
My house is boring.
You look thirsty.
Yeah, I am actually
kind of thirsty.
(HUMMING)
Thanks, that's so sweet
and convenient, too.
-You want to join me?
-No, thanks.
I prefer to watch.
-Bottoms up.
-Yeah.
Well, it's been swell.
I don't think so.
I'm sorry. Is there a problem?
(YELLING)
Yeah, there you go, Dale,
good job.
Whoo!
Dig your shoulder into that.
What's up, Lou?
W... wait a second.
This is my mattress!
No, no, this is
my mattress, seriously!
Ah! Mitchell! Yeah!
What are you doing?
Don't you think I need
something to sleep on?!
-That is my mattress.
-Lou, we'll have it back by tonight.
No, no, look.
You're knocking
-the stuffing out of my mattre...
-We're trying to, baby!
(SCREAMING)
-Whoo!
-Way to go, Donnie, yeah!
That's the way to hit it.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Son, is there a problem?
And... and before you answer,
you should know
I have a flight to Chicago
in minutes.
Oh, that's... that's dandy, Dad.
Look at my mattress!
There's drool and... and
shoulder sweat and
grass stains...
and none of it's mine.
Settle down, son.
Now, what seems to be the problem?
Donnie.
He uses my, my
toothbrush to clean
his football cleats.
He steals the Canadian bacon
off the top of the pizza.
He ruined my mattress
and he's getting this award
tomorrow after school.
Louis...
I get the picture.
Lou, I had four
brothers of my own
and I know what
it's like.
You wanted that
last sausage
you had to fight
for it.
Right.
I felt like I couldn't
take it anymore.
You know what
my dad did?
-What?
-Nothing.
See you in
a couple days.
Now, wait... wait
a second, Dad.
Louis, sort it out.
Set your own boundaries.
Dad...
Would you grab
that for me, son?
Yeah.
Uh, uh, Dad, you might
want to have...
(SCREAMS)
Now, Beans...
Why would you put pickle juice
in my sports drink?
How tall are you?
Okay, focus with me,
all right?
Um... why would you do that?
I thought it was funny.
That was not funny.
-Made me laugh.
-(SIGHS)
What's in this drawer?
Okay! Listen.
No more pranks.
All right?
'Cause if you do, you're just
going to be coming up here
for more lectures.
-Is that perfectly clear?
-Crystal.
Good.
I knew you'd understand,
you know?
Because you're
a smart guy.
Can I ask you
a question?
Go ahead.
Where does toilet paper
come from?
And he still holds
the school record
for the eight-pound sh*t put
Mickey "Thud" Fanner!" Okay!
Congratulations, Mickey.
Take a seat, bud.
And now it's time for me to introduce
the newest member
of the Wombat hall of fame.
He graduated two years ago,
and, uh...
Oh, sh**t, promised myself
I wasn't going to cry.
Donnie Stevens, get up here!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Donnie has prepared
a few words for us.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Thank you, Coach...
Tugnut.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Well said, Donnie.
Now, we all know that
Donnie is the star
of his high school
football team.
But I know that Donnie
has some college dreams, too.
Donnie, can you tell the kids
where you think you might
like to be going?
Well, like any
great legend
I'd love to go
to Texas State
to play for Coach
"Specs" Richardson.
Oh, really?
Well...
it just so happens
that Coach Richardson
has sent along his best wishes.
Hey, nerd, roll that tape.
What?
Oh, hey, hey. Donnie!
This is Coach Richardson
down here in Texas.
Just want to congratulate you
on this great honor, boy.
We like players like you
down here at Texas State
and that's why I'm on my way
to Sacramento
to talk to you about
a full-ride scholarship.
Congratulations, Ronnie.
Huh? Huh? Oh!
Uh, congratulations,
there, Donnie.
Wait a minute. Coach Specs
Richardson is coming here
to Sacramento to see me?
He'll be pulling up to your
house in a couple of hours.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, now we just got
to find a place
to hide your brother Louis.
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, seriously, stash him.
Well, it's been
a big day for all of us
but I can tell you this: this
party is far from being over.
Donnie, take a seat.
I'd like to tell you
how I feel about you...
in song.
(FEEDBACK)
It's a little something
I've been working on
since you left...
long months ago,
and it goes like this...
(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "MY WAY"):
To sweat, or not to sweat
So many games
I won't forget
Dude, what are we doing here,
man?
School's over.
Let's go home.
Hold on, my impatient friend.
The best is yet to come.
-Ew! (SCREAMS)
-(LAUGHING)
-(LAUGHING)
-Beans!
I am covered in oatmeal.
I guess I'm busted.
Yeah.
You're right, you're busted.
Did you hear
a single thing
that I said yesterday?!
I guess I need a review.
Okay, playing
mean tricks on people
is going to get you
into trouble.
(SPEAKING AT HIGH SPEED)
Now do you know
what I'm saying?
I'm sorry, I have a
short attention span.
You can start over.
I'll make popcorn.
No... no more popcorn,
no more lectures
because I am covered in oatmeal!
And you, Beans Aranguren,
are going home.
Consider yourself
kicked out!
COACH TUGNUT: (SINGING)
Oh, he can score
And so much more
Hats off to Do-o-n-nie!
(HITTING HIGH NOTE)
(APPLAUSE)
(CHUCKLING)
Thank you, thank you.
Come on, come on.
This isn't about me.
Hey, dude, I'm glad
we stayed, man.
Tugnut's got a really
good set of pipes there.
Just keep watching.
And now the coup de grâce
the capo de tutti-tutti...
Donnie himself...
will demonstrate
the routine
that won Lawrence
Junior High School
our first gymnastics title.
Let's hear it
for Donnie.
(BAND PLAYS UPBEAT THEME)
You didn't tinker
with Donnie's big day, did you?
(BEEPING)
LOUIS:
Yeah, I stopped by last night
and added a few surprises
of my own.
(DRILLING)
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
Wh...
(BEEPING)
Whoa, whoa...
Hey, uh...
Whoa, whoa...
(GRUNTING)
You better slow
that thing down, man.
I'm try...
I'm trying to...
(BEEPING)
Whoa!
(THUD)
-(GROANS)
-(CROWD GASPING)
COACH:
Donnie!
Are you okay?
(WHIMPERING)
What is that doctor
doing in there?
I mean, is he okay?
Dude, don't worry.
I'm sure Donnie is fine.
(MOANING)
Oh!
Who could have rigged
that pommel horse
to throw your brother
across the room?
I don't know.
But I assure you
that I will not rest
till that person is
brought to justice, sir.
Donnie's going to be fine.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, thanks, Doc!
(SOBBING)
Uh, no problem.
But, uh, he's got
to keep all his weight
off his tailbone
for the next hours
so I've taken
some precautions.
Wait a minute,
precautions...?
What kind of precautions?
(SIGHS)
Hi, guys.
Oh...
Wha...?
What's this?
Coach Richardson
is going to be here in minutes.
If he thinks you broke
even a fingernail
we can kiss that
scholarship good-bye.
"We"?
Donnie, I've waited
my whole career
for a kid like you.
Every time you
score a touchdown
I score.
Every time you land
with a perfect dismount
it's me standing there
in that tight-fitting outfit.
Hey, thanks
for sticking by me, Coach.
So what are we going to do?
"We"?!
You're damaged goods, kid.
But take care.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Honey, I-I really think
your hair is fine.
(SCOFFS)
Really, it looks
like you got all the oatmeal out.
Except for
this raisin.
You know, I really tried
to help that kid.
I did. I thought
it might be nice
for him to hang out with me
instead of spending
so much time with Louis
which we know
can't be too healthy.
(HORN HONKS)
Mom, somebody has to go.
No, he has the right-of-way.
You have the right-of-way,
darling. Go.
First I felt sorry for Bernard,
you know
but let's face it,
the kid is a bad seed.
(HONKING)
Mom, somebody has to go here.
Go. Go!
Go. Go!
Ren, nobody is born bad.
No, this kid is, believe me.
I don't even want him
near the house.
First, he poisoned me
with pickle juice.
Then, he pours oatmeal
on my hair!
No, I don't think so.
What more
does he want from me?
Maybe he just wants
some attention.
(HONKING)
Okay, easy, Louis, easy.
(METAL CREAKING)
Ah! Ah...
LOUIS: All right.
What's up with
Donnie's butt?
This is not the time,
okay, Beans?
Everyone keeps saying
that around here.
Lou, this isn't going
to work, man.
No, no, no, no,
it will work.
Donnie, you may be good
at every sport on the planet
okay, but this is my turf.
Yeah? What turf is that?
Lying, cheating, scheming?
Actually, I prefer to call it
"the art of deception."
Look, Lou, listen to me.
For whatever reason
I caught a bad break today
the fact is,
I'm damaged goods, man.
Donnie, things happen
for a reason, okay?
All right?
Trust me.
We'll be okay.
Don't move.
Beans, you get
out of my house.
Get out, Beans.
(SIGHS)
Do you like asparagus?
Beans, get out of here.
Say that again, and I'm gone!
(YELLING)
Get out!
I... If you pull this off,
it'll be a miracle.
Yeah, but if I don't
Donnie loses
the scholarship
and we're not going to
let that happen, okay?
(CHUCKLING)
Here, flex up.
(GRUNTS)
-Six-pack.
-(LAUGHS)
DONNIE: Somebody's pulling
into the driveway.
And Dr. Herlihy
says stay put, so you will.
And Coach Richardson...
wants to see a happy,
healthy Donnie, and he will.
How do I look?
Well...
I'd like a little more neck
but you know what,
it's beautiful.
Yeah, it looks good.
Yes. Got the
hand gestures.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(GRUNTS)
Oh, hold on.
"Beans, do this.
"Beans, do that."
My name's not even Beans!
Coach Richardson, it is an honor
of the-the highest order
to have you here today, sir.
Good, good, good, good.
But you wouldn't have flown all
the way from Texas to see me.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, so this is, uh...
this is my brother
-Coach Richardson, Donnie Stevens.
-Oh. Yeah.
Hey! Coach Richardson.
Hey, there, Donnie boy.
I've had my eye on you
for a long time, boy.
I've had my eye
on you, too, Coach.
(LAUGHS)
And it's great
to finally meet you.
(UNDER BREATH)
Handshake.
-Uh...
-Uh...
-Ah!
-LOUIS: There you go.
-Yeah, right.
-Hey!
Uh, excuse me
if I don't get up.
There's a big Davis game Friday
and I want to save
all my energy.
(GROWLS)
Look at that! Doesn't want
to waste an ounce of energy
for anybody
except for the game.
That is dedication!
Sir, why you come
and sit here?
It's a lot more comfor...
You can talk
-to your star recruit.
-Uh, well, isn't this
a little far away?
-Great athlete, bad breath.
-Oh.
-LOUIS: Yeah, yeah.
-(BLOWING)
Speaking of smells,
you know, Donnie
nothing's greater
than a crisp November morning
in Texas Stadium.
How'd you like to get
a whiff of that someday, boy?
Oh... I sure would.
(LAUGHING)
Well, let's toast to that, huh?
Yeah, yeah, no, no
I got it, I got it.
Yeah...
Uh, there's a drink
for you, Donnie.
Uh, there you go.
(CHUCKLING)
To Donnie Stevens
and Texas State:
the perfect combination.
Yeah!
Are you all right
there, boy?
Aah!
Uh, well,
like all the greats
off the field,
he's a total klutz.
(GLASS CLINKS)
It's my turn.
Uh, there's something
odd going on here.
You... you're not
flaky, are you?
-No, sir!
-No, of course not.
No, no, I can
assure you
Donnie has got a good
head on his shoulders.
Hey, what... what... what's
going on here?
Now... Now start talking.
Oh! Ow!
(YELLING)
TWITTY:
Hey, my head's stuck!
-No, sit...
-Has Richardson left yet?
LOUIS:
No, no...
-Hey, Lou...
-Sit down, Donnie's body.
That's it!
I mean, this is a madhouse
around here!
I'm out of here.
Okay. Thank you for coming,
Coach Richardson.
Just send over the,
uh, scholarship papers.
Yeah, we'll have him
sign them for you.
(DOOR CLOSES)
That didn't go very well.
No.
Donnie, I'm sorry, man.
I really am.
Hey, Louis,
that was above and beyond
the call of duty, bro,
and I love you for trying.
Really?
Yeah.
Ever since I was a kid
I'd dreamt of playing
for Texas State.
Mm-hmm.
But it's like you said
"Everything happens
for a reason," right?
You really believe it?
Absolutely. Hey,
maybe losing that scholarship
was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I am so glad you just said that.
I got to tell
you something.
I rigged your pommel horse
with the motor
from a mechanical bull.
Mechanical bull?
Yeah, a couple
of mounting brackets
and a few twists
of the magic wrench
and it turned out to be the best thing
that ever happened to you...
right?
R.. Right?
Wrong!
(SCREAMING)
Hi, Alan.
If you're going to stay
for dinner, would you wash up?
Oh, okay, Mrs. Stevens,
but could you cut me out
of here?
Oh, sure.
I'm not even going to ask.
(SIGHS)
Ah, thank you, Beans.
See, now,
this is how good boys
are supposed to behave.
So you're not mad at me anymore?
No, I'm not mad at you.
I actually realize
why you were doing
all those mean tricks on me.
Because I'm starved
for attention?
Yes.
Exactly.
Can you get me those cookies?
You know,
sometimes people don't really
realize the consequences
of their action...
You little runt!
Whoa!
(YELLING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Get off!
-Stevens, Stevens!
-(GRUNTS, SIGHS)
Oh, I like what I see, boy.
I think I'm going to keep
a place open on
the team for you.
-(LAUGHS)
-Really?
Ah, you're darn tootin'!
See you in Texas, son.
Adios.
Adios, Coach Richardson!
-Louis, you hear that?!
-Yes, I heard it!
You were right.
Everything does
happen for a reason.
Dude,
you should have listened.
-Thanks.
-Yeah, dude, no problem.
Okay, where was I now?
(GRUNTING)
Get off!
Beans, get back here!
(CRUNCHING, SMACKING)
Hey, Beans.
Hi, Mr. Stevens.
How was Chicago?
Windy.
Watch the crumbs.
Gotcha.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THEME MUSIC ENDS)
02x14 - Sadie Hawkins Day
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Seventh-grader Louis, struggles to fit in at school and in his picture- perfect family.
Seventh-grader Louis, struggles to fit in at school and in his picture- perfect family.