02x22 - Gutter Queen

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

And here's today's speech
for the assembly.

-(CHUCKLES) Funny opening.
-Oh, thank you, sir.

It's important that the kids know
that you have a sense of humor.

I agree. How does the rest
of my day look?

You have a third-period powwow
with the Science Department,

a fourth-period meet-and-greet
with the Junior Janitors Club,

and a fifth-period awards ceremony with
the seventh-grade spelling-bee champ.

The winning word: "mnemonic."

-Here you go.
-Oh.

M-n-e-m-o-n-i-c.
Tricky.

I've got to think of a way
to remember that.

Uh, right, sir.
Now, I changed Wednesday's lunch menu

from pizza sticks to nutritious fish cups.

-But I love pizza sticks.
-I know, and that's why

I put a box of them
in the trunk of your car.

Ren, you are by far the best student
administrative assistant I've ever had.

Well, I'm the only one you've
ever had, sir. I created the job.

Hmm, well...

Hey, Mr. W., what do you know?
What do you say?

Morning, Shorty.

-So, who do you like in the fifth?
-Fifth what?

So, Twitty, what is the most annoying
part of your day?

Uh, pretending to shower
after gym class?

Yes, yes. No, that's wrong.

See, what I think it is,

is the countless minutes
we spend each and every day

between classes opening up
our lockers.

You got to turn it right,
you got to turn it left,

you got to turn it right again.

And then you've got all those
stupid numbers you have to memorize.

Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.
That's why I have invented

the remote-control locker opener.
Check that out.

Sweet!

So, what are we going to do
with all this extra time?

-Well, you could...
-You know what?

You know what?
I'm gonna learn Italian.

Right, you could learn, um, Italian.

Allow me to demonstrate. Watch this.

Ow!

What in tarnation...?!

Ciao, Luigi.

Stevens...

I tell you, I am my wit's end
with that boy.

I mean, I've tried morning detention,

I've tried afternoon detention.

How about weekends, holidays?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

-Hi, Mom and Dad.
-EILEEN: Oh, hi, honey.

I'm sorry to interrupt

but it's time to change
the ointment on that bandage.

(WEXLER GROANS)

Oh, oh, and by the way,
I put a revised schedule

in your box, okay?

Owie!

Oh, oh, ooh, ooh... I'm sorry.

And just so you know,

I changed the fire alarm
from fourth period to fifth period

because I have
an important Yearbook meeting.

I hope that's okay, though.

-Oh, of course.
-Okay, good, good, good.

Oh, and don't forget
the pizza sticks.

They are in the trunk of your car
and it's parked in the sun.

Ah, there we go.

Oh, go ahead, sorry.

Um, Mr. Wexler, I, I...

I hope you know that

Louis is really
a good-hearted person.

He would never hurt anyone...
intentionally.

And by the way,

if you do need a new nose,

we'll pay for it.

How's it look?

Not so good. It gets pretty itchy
underneath that nose cast.

No, no, no, not Wexler. Me, Ren.
What's up with my punishment?

That's pretty serious.

-I'd expect the worst, Louis.
-What?

I... I don't understand.

What do people want
from me, you know?

I'm just trying
to get by in this world.

Louis, as your sister,
as a concerned citizen

and as a fellow human being,

I think you should listen to me.

You bring on
all your problems yourself.

So, for once,
will you just try following the rules?

Mr. Wexler, I just had
the craziest idea.

If it's about putting Louis
in a giant metal birdcage, forget it.

The school board turned me down.

No.

Instead of always punishing him,

how about giving him
some responsibility?

You know, Ren is doing
very nicely with that.

Ren didn't get where she is today
by destroying people's good looks.

Look, I know my boy.

He'll rise to the occasion,
if he feels you have faith in him.

Hmm...

I know what you're thinking:

"It's just crazy enough to work."

No. I was thinking about how long
those pizza sticks might last in my trunk.

Mr. Wexler, what about our son?

Oh, right.

Well, uh... uh, we'll try
that responsibility thingy.

Uh, Ms. Johnson, could you move
my car to the shade?

You're going to be a hall monitor?

Dude, believe me,
I'm as shocked as you are.

It's the old "give them responsibility
so they'll change their ways" approach.

That never works.

Shh! Come on, you don't
want him to hear us.

Okay, so when you're on hall patrol
all those stupid rules...?

-Oh, they're gone.
-Hall passes?

-Not on my watch.
-Tardy slips?

Dude, let's just say school starts
when we get there.

Bro, with you as the law
life will be... dare I say it...

-sweet.
-Yes, sir.

Loitering?

Don't mind if I do, Tom.

Hmm, very witty indeed.

Now clear out! Move, move!

-There is nothing to see here, people!
-See you later, Tom.

Where do you think you're going, mister?

Uh, with them.

Not today.

According to my official orders
it is time for you to join one of the few,

the proud, the Hall Patrol.

Hey, you! Malingerer!

Get to...

(CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry. My bad.

It's okay, Tom.

Let's get you spruced up
for the initiation ceremony.

You know what, Tom?
Today's not really a good time.

-Move, move, move!
-Yes, yes! No, I'm moving!

Dude, I'm moving, I'm moving!

Some of your reports
on ground-dwelling animals

were less than satisfactory, people.

Where is the passion
for the crafty hedgehog,

the proud albino mole?

I'm sorry, Miss Lovelson.

Take a seat, young lady.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Don't worry about it.

By the way, did you speak to Wexler
about my parking spot?

Oh, yeah. It's looking great.

Huh, yes!

Back to business, people.

(DOOR OPENS)

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

Hey, Tom, maybe you
or one of these guys

could flip on a light
or something, huh?

It's kind of dark in here.

You know, I'm not your
interior decorator or anything

but maybe you should
put some flowers over here

or a pizza oven.

STUDENTS: (CHANTING)
Hallus Patrolus...

-Hallus Passes...
-Hey, guys?

-Protectus de Masses...
-Um, Tom?

Hallus Patrolus...

Silence!

Let the initiation into
the Society of Hall Monitors begin!

STUDENTS:
Hallus Patrolus...

Hallus Passes...

Protectus de Masses...

Initiation?

I don't have to stick my hand
in anything weird, huh, Tom?

And now the official patrol gear.

STUDENTS: Hallus Patrolus...

Passes,
Protectus de Masses...

One Dutch whistle.

Bow your head, please.

One Official Hall Monitor's Handbook.

And one pair of nonflammable pants.

Hey, you know what, Tom?
I'll wear my own pants.

Suit yourself.

You know, uh, not to put a damper
on the party here...

I like your sashes and stuff,
um, but it seems

like a lot of rigmarole
just to check a guy's bathroom pass.

(ALL GASP)

Louis! Is that all you think we do?

George, the soapbox.

Louis, to you, this all may seem silly
but it's a jungle up there.

I mean, there's no respect
for the rules, the law, or common decency.

We're the last line of defense.

Now, it takes guts...

it takes brains, and it takes heart.

Do you have what it takes?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

Then I deem you worthy
to wear the sash.

Wait. Where are you going?

To class.

Oh, right. What was I thinking? Ha!

Ah, delicious.

You know, school water
is so refreshing when you're ditching.

(LAUGHS)

Twitty, I'm writing you up
on a - - , buddy.

What's a - - ?

In civilian language,
lips on the drinking fountain.

O-Okay, RoboCop,
you can stop kidding around.

Okay.

That's tough.

There you go.

Wh-What's a " - - "?

Well, a - -

would be defined as a, uh...

(CLEARS THROAT)
unauthorized, uh, hall being-in.

-You're making that up.
-No!

Yes. Yes, I did.
Okay, I don't know them all yet...

it's a pretty big manual...
but rules are rules.

You guys can turn those in
at detention.

Whoa. Detention?
Dude, come on, man.

This is us, we're your friends.

Twitty, I am the only line of defense
between you and this jungle.

What jungle? Two hours ago,
we were laughing about this stuff.

Well, we're not laughing now, are we?

Look, Lou, listen, okay?
I can't go to detention today, okay?

But you know that maple-smoked
turkey jerky that you like so much? Yeah?

I've got a special stash
I'm saving for you.

Is this a bribe?

Are you trying to bribe me?

You think I can be paid off, huh?
With a piece of dried, salty...

oh-so-salty meat, huh?

Uh... yeah.

Well, I can't, Twitty.

And to prove that,
you get written up again.

There, Twitty.

Another detention?

Mm-hmm. That'll teach you
to respect the sash.

Oh, whoa, Twitty, come on.

We've lost him.

Delivery.

Oh, well, let's see.

Gum, yo-yos,
maple-smoked turkey jerky...

Hmm. Looks like you
guys had a busy week.

You know, I don't know when
these kids will get the message.

If you bring
unlawful materials to school,

the Hall Patrol will find them
and they will be confiscated.

Nice work, Tom.

Principal Wexler will
dispose of these as usual.

I live to serve.

And serve to live.

LOUIS:
There I was, my first day on the job

and they assigned me the South Hallway,

the toughest b*at in school.

The place was filled with
dirtballs and sleazebags,

mouth breathers and bottom-feeders.

I mean, you had to watch your back
and every other part of your body.

I mean, you could find
anything you wanted here,

especially trouble.

Only a fool would take these cats on,
and I was just the man...

(GASPS) Wait a minute...
What the heck am I talking to myself for?

-(RECORD SCRATCHES)
-I got a job to do.

All right, hogs!

Party's over!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

What are you doing?

(FABRIC TEARING)

Ha, ha! You like that, don't you?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Read the sign. Huh?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Hey, Lefkowitz,
what you doing, buddy? Huh?

Why don't you erase that?

Go ahead, erase it.

Feels good, doesn't it, Lefkowitz?

An honest day's work. Yeah...

I have to tell you, Louis,
I am astounded.

You have really risen
to the occasion.

Well, thank you, sir.
You know, responsibility is in my blood.

I eat, sleep and drink it.
I even shower with it, sir.

Beep, beep, beep!
Just a second there, huh?

All right, have a nice day, you.

All right.

Busting your two best friends:
Ms. Dean and Mr. Twitty.

That shows a lack of compassion
that I find very promising.

LOUIS: Thank you, sir.
You know, rules are rules.

It's this graffiti problem
I'm worried about, sir.

You know, kids here
are malicious, you know?

And what I want to do is install
a few surveillance cameras here and there.

Of course, my treat.

Oh, hey, Mr. W.

Say, that kid Babe Ruth
had a pretty good game yesterday.

WEXLER: Yesterday?

Shorty, this paper's from .

Surveillance cameras
are fine with me, Louis.

Far be it for me to stand in the way
of the progress you've made.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Mr. Wexler,
you and Shorty wouldn't mind,

if I caught a ride to the second
floor with you guys, would you?

I'm sorry, Louis.
I know it's every student's dream

to ride in the Wexler-vator

but it's strictly verboten.
For my private use only.

It's like you said, "Rules are rules."

Two, please, Shorty.

SHORTY: Going up!

(CHUCKLES)

Looks like we got us
a straggler here, Tom.

Excellent.

TOM:
... ...

Looks like Miss Tardy's
doing some illegal chewing.

Kids... You know,
when will they ever learn?

Oh...! She's trying to ride
the Wexler-vator!

Afternoon, Ren,
what can I do you for?

Holy handcuffs, Tom, come here!
Come here, come here!

-It's Ren, come here!
-Ren?

Look: Ren! You see that?

Three, please, Shorty.

You got it, dollface.

This rocks. There is nothing sweeter
than busting a family member, Tom.

-Louis...
-Hmm?

This is Ren Stevens here.
I mean, we're in way over our heads.

Tom, settle down. I don't care who she is.
She broke the rules.

Come on, dude.

What happened to us against the jungle?
Let's go get her, huh?

Let's go.

I can't.

I have to do sit-ups, work my abs...

-... tummy.
-Yeah, fine. Fine, Tom.

You go ahead and do that.
I'll get her myself.

So, what do you think of my

"The Principal is Your Pal" column
for the student newspaper?

Oh, I loved it.
I thought it was great.

But I did have some corrections.

For instance, right here, I thought...

Freeze!

Aah! Louis,
what is the meaning of this?

Sir, someone you trust
is misusing their power!

What are you talking about?

Sir, it stinks in here.
And stinkage, thy name is...

Ren!

Louis, this is ridiculous.

Oh, really, Ren, is it ridiculous?

Sir, she's tardy
after the bell rings,

she chews gum,
she cuts class, and...

And?

She uses the Wexler-vator.

(GASPS)

Now, Louis, those are some
pretty serious accusations.

-Yeah.
-Uh...

this is ridiculous!

I come in here day in and day out

and break my back
for the sake of this school,

and he has the nerve to come
in here and accuse me of...

-I can prove it!
-What do you mean?

Oh, yes, sir, I can prove it.

See, I got it on tape, Ren.

And if you don't do anything, sir,
I'm going to show the whole school.

Okay, uh, the two of you
need to get to class.

We'll deal with this
at the end of the day.

Mm-hmm.

You know, a few days ago,
I would have laughed this off. But no.

This here goes beyond
brother and sister.

This is about good and evil,

right and wrong.

Enough already.
Let's get this over with.

All right, brace yourselves.

Tom, roll the tape.

-(CHUCKLES)
-LOUIS: No...

Tom, put the other tape in.
Put the other tape in!

This is the only one.
It's been in the deck all day.

What? That's impossible.
Tom, where is the other tape?

Somebody must have switched it.

Okay, I think we've had enough
accusations for one day.

Whoa...

I see what this is.

You guys are all
in on this together, huh?

This is corrupt
and this is rotten to the core!

Louis, your outrage is duly noted.

Now, if you'll return to your post.

What's the point
of even wearing the sacred sash?

I never said it was sacred!

Listen, you can punish me
and put me in detention, whatever,

but if the rules
don't apply to everyone...

then I'm done being a hall monitor.

I wonder what could've
happened to that tape.

Oh, no, that's fine...

-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-Go away! The whole world's rotten!

(PHONE RINGING)

Shello.

(DEEP VOICE ON PHONE):
Louis?

Who's this?

I know what happened to the tape.

Yeah, well...

Too bad you don't have the guts
to use your real voice!

This is my real voice.

Your phone is broken.

Ren, my phone is not broken.
It's very...

Yeah, it is broken.

(SIGHS)

Well, I've been thinking
about what you said

about the rules
applying to everyone, and...

you were right.

What? I'm right?
Is that what you just said?

Ren, you've never said that to me.

And I also think you should know

that I was the one
who switched the tape.

Tom and Mr. Wexler
had nothing to do with it.

Ren, what happened to you?

I don't know.

I-It all started out
innocently enough.

A hall pass there,
a permission slip here, and...

and then it just
got out of control.

Before you knew it,
I was riding the Wexler-vator,

living above the law.

Ren, I don't know what to say;
I'm speechless.

Why couldn't you just follow
the rules, Ren?

You just sounded like me.

Yeah.

It's like The Invasion
of the Body Switchers.

I gotta make things right.

Ren, me too.

You know Twitty and Tawny
won't even talk to me?

Maybe I can patch things up.

That was so cool.

That first drop
was like the Matterhorn.

-Ren, can we please do that again?
-No.

No, you guys.
That was the last time for all of us.

Thanks, Shorty. See ya.

Thanks for the grand time.

No problem, Miss Stevens.
Don't take any wooden nickels.

No! You weren't...

I don't believe it!

How can you keep abusing
your power in such a...

Uh... You didn't see anything, did you?

Oh...

See what?

You're doing the right thing,
Principal Wexler.

No one in this school
should have special privileges.

I know, Ren.

But I'm gonna miss
having you as my assistant.

I want to be a regular student,

which means I have to get
to class on time.

(HORN BEEPS)

Hey, Mr. W.

Nice day if it don't rain. Hop in!

Shorty, I think you're going
to make a great assistant.

Where to?

Second floor, and step on it.

-You got it, Chief.
-(WEXLER SCREAMING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)