03x03 - My Best Friend's Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

One minute left. Move, move, move!

Wait, wait, hold on, Twitty.

-Dude, what took you so long?
-I'm sorry...

(PANTING) ...wind resistance.

Next week, I'm shaving down.

Twitty! Thirty seconds!

Three... two... one!

(WHOOPING)

This is the ultimate stupid fun.

Who would have thought
defective packing material

would bring us so much joy, Twitty?

-You're right.
-Excuse me.

(WHOOPING)

Oh, dude, dude, dude, by the fence.

-Where?
-Whoa.

MALE VOICE: Oh, baby!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Alison Wong.

MALE VOICE: Oh, baby...

-You need to go over there, dude.
-No, no, no, no...

-You need to go...
-I had the garlic dog, dude.

Really? Test.

Oh... mm... yeah.

Great, like a meadow of minty goodness.

-You sure?
-Mm-hmm.

-You sure?
-Mm-hmm.

(EXHALES) All right.

Uh... h... hi.

Hi.

Um, I'm Alan Twitty from... from school.

I know. I've seen you. I'm Alison.

You've got something in your neck.

Oh.

-Uh, I...I... I'll take that.
-(CHUCKLES)

Okay, so, um, uh...

I'll see you at school tomorrow?

-Yeah, I'll see you at school.
-Okay.

-Okay, okay, okay.
-Okay.

MALE VOICE: Oh, baby...

Ah, she likes me.

Wa-hoo!

I crown this jewel the Donnie
Stevens Rock Climbing Wall.

(CHEERING)

Thank you for coming down here today,
Donnie.

Are you kidding, Mr. Wexler?

I've always dreamed that someday

somebody would name a bunch of fake rocks
after me.

(APPLAUSE)

Well, without any further ado,

we would be honored
if you gave us a demonstration.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Coach Tugnut?

Ah, yes, uh, the girls and I have prepared

a little something for the ceremony today

and, uh, I though now might be
a good time.

-(FEEDBACK WHINING)
-If you must.

Ready... okay!

Donnie Stevens, muscles that bulge!

How much we love him,
we shan't divulge!

All our foes he does devour!

Leading his teammates
to a steamy hot shower!

Donnie Stevens of Lawrence fame!

We're happy
that our new wall bears his name!

(CHEERING)

Whoa, whoa, look at Twitty and Alison.

Mm, cozy.

Oh, very. (CHUCKLES)

DONNIE: Okay, well, I'm ready.

Excellent.

Uh, Mr. Wexler, you know, uh

a demonstration is one thing

but Donnie doesn't really shine

unless he's locked in battle
against an opponent.

Kids?

What do you say?

(CHEERING)

-All right!
-Splendid idea.

Any volunteers?

(SCREAMING)

Ren Stevens. Come on down.

(APPLAUDING)

Family grudge match. Nice.

Hey, sis, don't worry.

I'll go easy on you.

Whatever.

All right.

Ready?

Set...

(WHISTLE TRILLING)

(CHEERING)

(BUZZER)

(CHEERING)

-What's up, guys?
-What's up, buddy?

Hey, you know Alison, right?

Hey, Alison.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Enchanté.

(IN ENGLISH)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tom! Take it easy.

Uh, will you, you mind?

Do I... oh.

-Sure.
-Thanks, buddy.

Sorry.

No problem.

I feel like I already know you guys.

Alan has told me so much about you.

Who's Alan?

Uh, dude, I have a first name, too,
you know?

Right, sorry.

-Right.
-Isn't it funny?

Alan... Alison.

Our names start with the same two letters.

(LAUGHING) What a co-winky-dink.

You guys are a couple of "Al's."

"Al" squared if you will.

(SNICKERING)

Right, um, you know we've got a lot of
other stuff in common, too.

We both love strawberry ice cream...

BOTH: And we hate vanilla.

Alan, you're so going to love
the after-school Crafts Club today.

I know. It's going to be great.

-Craft Club?
-Yeah.

No, bro, today's Tuesday.

-So...
-So, it's just like every other day.

We go to my house
and we avoid doing homework.

Right, okay. Well maybe I...
I'll stop by after, if that's cool.

Yeah, that's cool.

You know, I'm not really hungry.
You want to go for a walk?

Sure, let's go.

Right. You guys should
probably go take a little stroll.

Hey, Donnie, you know that rock climbing
thing today was really fun.

Yeah, loads.

Hey, guys... could use a hand here.

-Thank you.
-Oh... boy.

Donnie, there's more in the car.

-I'm on it.
-Thanks.

You know, it's the weirdest thing.

I went to the store to buy a jar
of peanut butter.

I came back with ten bags of groceries.

Oh, really?

So, did you get the peanut butter?

Oh!

Ren, I can't believe how fast you put
those groceries away.

You think that's fast?

Now that's fast.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Yeah, come in.

-What's up, buddy?
-What's up, dude?

Check this out. Look.

Look, my dad's birdwatching magazine
came out with a swimsuit edition.

-Look at that. Beautiful.
-Aw, sweet.

Come on, bro, come on.

Oh... hey, Allison. You're here, too.

How... great.

We had such a great time
at the Craft Club.

Who would have thought
Alan had such an artistic flair?

-Not me.
-TWITTY: You know what, dude?

Beach glass is so rad.

It's like my new favorite thing.

-Besides you.
-Aww...

I could just kiss your little nosie.

Oh, I could just kiss your little nosie.

(COUGHING)

-Buddy, whoa, hey, are you okay?
-Yeah, dude, I just...

I had a little nosie caught in my throat.

(CHUCKLES) Alan, show Louis what you made.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... check it out.

Wind chimes.

Every time the wind blows, they chime.

-(BLOWS)
-(CHIMES TINKLING)

Hey, can I put it by that window?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

TWITTY: She's so sweet, isn't she?

-Mm.
-TWITTY: You are so sweet.

-You're so sweet.
-No, you're so sweet.

I could just kiss your little...

Guys, guys, please stop with the nosies.

Sorry, um, how about we play a video game
or something? Huh?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Uh, dude you only got two controllers
and there's three of us.

-Right.
-Do you have any other games?

Let me check.

What do we got?
Okay, we got "Two on a Plank."

"Two to Tango."

"Third Wheel."

"Odd Man Out."

Why don't we just watch a movie
or something, huh?

Uh, you know what?
I think we've got to get going.

-You got... Twitty, you just got here.
-I know, but I...

I have to walk Alison home.

Yeah, and it, uh, it takes a long time.

I guess because we stop so much.

Right, with all the nosie kissing, right?

-All right, later, dude.
-This was fun.

Yeah.

(TINKLING)

Shut up.

(TINKLING)

A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady.

(CHUCKLES) Louis, that's a daisy.

Um, listen, whatever.

Look... I've got great news.

As of right now,
you and I are officially back on.

-Back on?
-You've got it.

You and I, babe.

And to seal the deal,
I will now kiss your little nosie.

Eww! (SMOOCHES)

Uh, "little nosie"?

Louis, does this have anything to do
with Twitty getting a girlfriend?

-Of course!
-Oh, wow, you're quite the charmer.

Wait, wait, hold on. Why not?

Because you don't want a girlfriend,
Louis.

I don't?

Don't you see what you're doing?
You're just filling the void.

You're using me to replace your friendship
with Twitty.

And that's wrong?

Okay, how long
have you and Twitty been friends?

Since, like, forever.

Right. So you can't just replace him
overnight.

Well, now you're officially
my best friend.

Yes! Thank you!
Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you.

And I enjoy your enthusiasm but let's get
through these ground rules first.

Sure.

Okay, so, um, I'm basically a
low-maintenance friend.

-Oh, that's good.
-But... I could get impatient.

Like, for instance...

if I were to call you to come over
and do something,

that means I want you over now.

-Oh, well, what if I'm in the middle of...
-No, no, no... Now. Now.

Also, another thing to remember, um,
say we're playing catch, right?

And you accidentally throw the ball
over my head, okay?

Don't ever, ever, ever say "my bad."

I know. "My bad, my bad."

It is so annoying.

You know, you and I should have been
best friends a long time ago.

Well, uh, that's basically it.

So, we can start being best friends now.

Great.

-So, Tom...
-Well...

(CLEARING THROAT)

Tom, why don't we start being best friends
tomorrow?

(CHUCKLES) Good idea.

Um, so, I'll call you tomorrow before
school so we can coordinate clothing.

Why?

Well, now that we're best friends,

we don't want to end up
in the same outfits, I mean,

-it's so goofy.
-Yeah, Tom,

I don't think
that's gonna happen.

-Okay.
-All right, bestest buddy, see you later!

-All right!
-TOM: Oh...

(SCREAMS GIDDILY)

(SCREAMS GIDDILY)

Okay, we extend the island a few inches...

Oh, Ren can you grab me that pencil there?

Sure, watch this.

Ooh, you're good.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm better.

Okay.

Watch this.

Hey, that is good, son.

(SIGHS) Lower it, Dad.

Oh, this is like that impromptu family fun
you see on television.

Wow!

(LIMBO MUSIC PLAYING)

-How low can you go?
-Lower.

(ULULATING)

Yeah!

Whoo!

And lower.

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh!

(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)

It did not happen.

Oh, ya, mon!

Ya, ya! Ya, ya!

In your face, Ren Stevens!

I b*at you.

I am better than you.

Ooka-chocka, ooka-chocka, ooh-ooh.

I think this impromptu
family fun just got ugly.

Donnie is still mad because I b*at him
at a rock-climbing contest.

The only reason why you b*at me

is because I got rock dust in my eye.

Oh, yeah, right.

Okay, how about a rematch, Ren?

-You're on.
-You kids have fun.

Tom, Tom...

see, you should have called me and told me
you were going to wear the same thing

'cause now we look stupid.

But you told me not to.

See, Tom, that's another thing.

If this best friend deal's going
to work out,

never listen to what I say
unless it's right.

Okay.

Let's get over the fence before we miss
the foam hunks.

Well, why don't we just use this gate?

Use the gate?
No, Tom, you're supposed to climb it.

That's where the fun is.

But I don't have
my fence-climbing gloves, and...

Tom, climb the fence!

All right, but if Doris knew
I was climbing a fence,

I'd get grounded for a week.

-Tom, climb the fence.
-Actually, that's not true.

Mother's been encouraging me to be

-a little more rough-and-tumble. Ah!
-(RIPPING)

-What?
-Uh-oh.

I think I just ripped my trousers.

Are you kidding me?

I... I did. I have to go.

No, no, no, Tom, we don't have time.

Listen, here's what I'll do.
I'll rip my pants, too, so that we match.

Look, look. There, see?

Are you kidding me?

Listen, Tom?

Look, um...

Look, I don't think this best friend
deal's going to work out.

But hey, hey, it's not you.

It's me.

No, it's you. I have to go.

I knew we rushed into this.

(SCREAMS JOYFULLY)

-(EXCLAIMS)
-(PEOPLE APPROACHING)

-(SQUEALS) Yeah.
-Are you excited?

Okay, there it is, the big surprise.

Check it out.

Reject packing materials?

No, no, no, we call them foam hunks

'cause they're hunks of foam.

See, try that, try that.

Are these for, like, craft club?

No, no, they're for, like, jumping into,
you see?

Why?

'Cause it's... 'cause it's fun.

I don't know. It looks kind of stupid.

I know, I know... that's the fun part.

You think it's fun to be stupid?

No.

Yeah, sometimes. Look, just try it.
Just try it, okay?

Just run up the ladder and jump in.

No, thanks.

Hey, I tried your beach glass.

I didn't ask you to jump in it.

Yeah, I know, but if there was a vat
of it, I would have.

Come on, you can't be that stupid.

So now you're calling me stupid?

I thought you said stupid was good.

-I don't get you.
-No, maybe I don't get you.

Well, maybe we shouldn't be together.

-Maybe we shouldn't. Fine.
-Fine.

(SCREAMS TRIUMPHANTLY)

Hey, Coach, thanks for coming down
on a Friday afternoon.

I just have a score to settle,
if you know what I mean.

Listen, if you can regain a shred
of your dignity,

I don't mind missing my soap operas.

Coach, I can b*at her, I promise.

Listen, Donnie, you could win this
for your self-esteem,

your pride, your reputation.

But I want you to reach way down and do it
for something more important than that.

-What's that?
-Me. Don't screw this up.

All right, let's get it on!

Ready... set...

(TRILLING)

(QUIETLY) Go, go, go, go, go...

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Ren, I don't want to win
if you're going to let me.

Look, Donnie, I love you, you're
my brother but you are a lousy loser.

-I am?
-Yes.

All week, you've been acting
like a competitive jerk.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm just not used to losing
especially to my little sister.

It just kind of threw me off.

Well, Donnie, I can understand
how much winning means to you.

But only if I win fair and square.

Okay, so let's do this for real.

Let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go...

(BUZZER BLARING)

(GROANS)

(SOBBING)

LOUIS: Listen, it's all for the best.

I mean, if Alison doesn't go hog-wild
in a pile of foam hunks,

she's not the girl for you, you hear me?

Yeah, I guess, dude.

You know what you need?

You know what you need? Scoot over, dude.

This is what you need, right here.

This is what you need.

Look, check that out.

Say hi to Miss Bluebird.

Look at this, look. Says right there,
look.

She likes long walks, orange sorbet

and... and she loves foam hunk diving!

-Right there!
-(SIGHS)

You know, it's no use, dude.
I can't get her out of my head.

(SIGHS) Twitty...

(SIGHING)

You mind if I try a little something
to snap you out of it, hmm?

-Yeah, sure, dude.
-Okay.

Snap out of it, Twitty! Snap out!

Louis, I don't know, you know?

It's tough to foam-hunk dive
with a broken heart.

Oh, dude, you got to listen to me, listen.

This is just what Dr. Lou ordered.

I'm still sore from Dr. Lou's pillow
pounding.

(SCREAMS)

(MONOTONE) Wa-hoo-hoo.

Dude, look, it's not the same, okay?

Dude?

Louis.

Hi, Alan.

Alison, what are you doing here?

Louis convinced me to come.

Louis, whoa.

What did he say?

Well, the thing was

I was really missing you

and Louis said that you were missing me,
too.

Really?

Really.

Look, you know, you don't have to do this
for me. It's cool.

Oh, that is so sweet.

I could just kiss your little...

(GIGGLING)

You two are so sweet.

Get him!

You know, this is actually pretty fun with
the proper accoutrements.

(SCREAMING)