03x09 - Short Story

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

WEXLER: (OVER PA)
Good morning, students.

Due to an unfortunate infestation

of winged cockroaches
over at Jefferson... ow!

We will temporarily
be sharing our facilities

with some of their students.

So, please, be gracious hosts.

Ow!

Easy on those lats... ow!

Okay, girls, this is the last banner.

We are all set for the social event
of the season.

Uh, Ren, I think you're
forgetting something.

I am?

We still haven't discussed
what we're wearing.

-I'm thinking halter.
-I'm thinking spaghetti straps.

And I'm thinking
some of these Jefferson guys

have serious "date" potential.

RUBY:
Ooh, great eyes.

REN: Nice Smile.

MONIQUE: Bad shoes.

I can't dance with
a boy who wears "mandals."

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, what about that guy?

REN: Nice sweater.

MONIQUE: Good cheek bones.

RUBY: Bad hair.

Well, at least it's nice to see
some new faces. Right, girls? Okay.

In fact, I volunteered to share my locker
with someone. Let's see.

Looks like someone just moved in.

Mm, smells like a boy.

Yeah, a cute boy.

Oh, come on, guys.

He's got cool stuff.

Huh, I wonder who he is.

Hey, so are you going
to get a new suit for the big dance?

Hold on, let me explain something to you.
'Cause I'm adamant about this.

There is a dance Friday night
but it's not necessarily the "big dance."

Why not? It is semiformal.

I don't go around handing out
the word "big" all the time.

'Cause it's always big.
It's always the big dance

or the big formal
or the big track meet.

What about the track meets
that are just track meets?

Sorry, it's a pet peeve of mine.
I'll probably wear my plaid blazer.

Oh, yeah.

Hey. Ow! My foot!

-Whoa, Charlene, what'd you do that for?
-Ask him!

He's the one who put
this gum in my hair.

What? No, I didn't!

Oh!

Yeah, and that was for lying.

Stay away from me.

LOUIS:
Aw, man, help me, help me.

Ren.

So, did you meet
your mystery man yet?

I keep missing him
but he's going to come back;

he left his notebook.

Six subjects, college rule,
extra pockets for handouts.

Just like mine.

You two are just made for each other.

What's his name?

See, I don't know.

Hello? Open the notebook.

I can't do that.
That's an invasion of privacy.

Excuse me.
(SINGING) Da da da.

Oops! Look at that.

ALL: Travis Greshim.

-That's interesting.
-REN AND RUBY: What?

Look at the way he dots his "I's."

It means he's strong, sensitive,

and very, very generous.

(SIGHING)

I have got to meet this guy.

(GASPS)

(CLANKING)

(RUMBLING)

(YELLING)

Louis!

LOUIS: I'm innocent!

Help me! I've been bamboozled!

I'm just a patsy!

Okay, Principle Wexler,
what did my brother do now?

Your brother put this rubber mouse
in the faculty fruit bowl.

No, I didn't! I haven't pulled

a rubber mouse gag
since the fourth grade.

-We have witnesses.
-Ren, come on.

It's a mockery.
A sham, a flimflam.

Don't let me go.
Don't let me go, Ren!

Ren!

Travis?

REN: (THINKING) Travis, Travis...

Yes! Travis Greshim.

. GPA, respectable.

Photographer
of the school newspaper.

President of the French club,
ooh, la la.

Voted best smile...

Oh, photo unavailable?

I bet every other kid has a picture.

Hey, what's this?

Louis?

Oh, that's freaky.

Oh, uh...
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

And if there's
one more immature prank

you can expect
severe consequences.

Psst. Come here. Come here.

Why are you looking at my file?

It's not your file.

Loomis Freeman.

Yeah. It's one
of the Jefferson kids

and he looks exactly like you.

You know what this is?

That's my evil twin.

That explains it, he's my evil twin!

Which would be pretty cool
if he wasn't trying to ruin my life.

I am getting so frustrated.

I'm wondering if I'm ever going
to meet this Travis Greshim.

GIRL: Hi, Travis.

Here you go.

-Thanks, Charlene.
-CHARLENE: They're really good.

Guys, guys, that's him.

Look, he really does
have the best smile.

You have to go talk to him.

-I do?
-Go get him, Ren.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm going, I'm going.

Hey.

I think we're locker mates.

You're Ren.

Yeah. You know my name.

Uh, guess I'm busted.

I checked inside
one of your books.

Oh, yeah, well, it probably fell

and you just looked
at the cover, right?

Something like that.

-Yeah.
-Want to sit down?

Um... yes.

(CHUCKLES)

They are cuter than two fluffy
kittens on a ball of string.

Aw, sweet.

Twitty, no. Stop it!

Why did you do that?

You know why? 'Cause you rigged
that drinking fountain and drenched me.

Twitty, that wasn't me.

-Well, then who was it? Oh, okay.
-It was my evil twin.

You shouldn't have done that.
See? Look.

Who's that?

-Oh, you really do have an evil twin.
-We got to find him, man.

Listen, before you do anything,

all right, just hold on

for a second, look at the picture.

It's not me.
It's my evil twin.

You see?

(LAUGHING)

Loomis Freeman
must be stopped, Twitty.

So, you're, um, you're
president of the French club.

That's really cool.

How'd you know
I was in the French club?

I guess people's hobbies.

Well, let me guess yours.

File snooping.

Yeah, I guess I'm busted, too.

(LAUGHING)

Um... we should probably go.

Oh, I can't believe lunch is over.

I didn't get a chance to ask you
to the dance Friday night.

Well, I, I think you just did.

So, what do you say?

Yeah.

That, that would be great.

So, Ren, I can't believe
you finally met Travis.

-And he's taking you to the dance.
-That is so exciting.

So, what's he like?

Oh, well, he's everything
I thought he'd be.

He's smart and he's nice...

Hey, Ren. He's right here.

Hi. Um, Travis,
these are my friends.

This Ruby and Monique.

Hi.

Hi. Excuse me.

So, see you in the a.m.?

-Yeah. Okay.
-All right. Cool. Nice to meet you guys.

You, too.

Told you he was nice.

What?

Ren, maybe you didn't notice

but he's a tad bit
shorter than you are.

Yeah, if a tad
is, like, eight inches.

(LAUGHING)

Hey.

Okay, so there's a slight
height difference.

Slightly enormous.

(LAUGHING)

For your information, ladies,

it doesn't bother me at all.

So, let's just drop this.

Ren, we were just joking.

I mean, he seems
like a really nice guy.

BOY: Weather report!
Scattered showers!

(SCREAMING)

-That brat!
-Your brother is so obnoxious!

Yeah, but that wasn't him.
It was his evil twin.

Did you guys see me
ride by here on a bicycle?

-RUBY AND MONIQUE: Yeah.
-Where did I go?

That... that way? Thank you.

I told you.

Lou, this is bad, man.
He's getting inside your head.

He's starting to get
the best of you.

Look at his beady little eyes
and his freakish face.

You see, Twitty, he's staring at me.
He's staring at me, Twitty!

That's what he's doing!
And he's mocking me, Twitty!

Louis, Louis, stop, man.
This isn't helping.

Yeah, you're right, Twitty.

If I was up to no good

what would my next move be?

-Oh, no!
-What?

He's going to sabotage
the big dance.

I thought you said, you know,
it wasn't the big dance.

It just became the big dance.
Come on.

Okay, class, you will notice
that hydrogen sulfide

will have the familiar
smell of rotten eggs.

ALL: Ew!

Now, hydrogen sulfide
is fairly soluble...

REN: Okay,
so Travis is shorter than me.

But he's also funny,
nice and really cute.

I mean, how important is
somebody's height, anyway?

TEACHER: ...of latex tubing.
Now, for those of you with the syringes,

please remember my motto:

"safety first."

Oh, boy.

Hydrogen sulfide
is a very dangerous gas

if ingested too much.

Good evening.
Table for one?

Hello? She's on a date.

Oh, of course.
Table for one-and-a-half.

Right this way.

Now, will you be needing
a booster chair?

No, we will not.

You're going to love
this place, Travis.

Looking forward to it.

We're going to need
that booster chair.

So, uh, the food's great here.

What are you having?

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
I'll have what you're having.

Travis? Let's eat.
I've got a bit appetite.

Oh, um...

Hi, Ren. I didn't know you
were going to be here.

Um, Monique...
(LOUD SQUISH AND SCREAM)

-you're sitting on my date!
-I did?!

Um, waiter, check, please.

Oh, no!

(BELL RINGING)
Okay, we'll finish up tomorrow.

Durban's gas really stinks.

Uh, hey, Travis.

Are you okay?

I can't go to the
dance with you.

That stinks, too.

Well, um...

My friend Ruby has an obsession

with, uh...
the number three.

She has three different
items for lunch

and she goes to dances
in groups of three,

and, well, I'm number three.

Well, maybe I'll see you there.

Maybe.

Definitely.

(SIGHS) Bye.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Man, I don't see Loomis.

Yep. Must be blowing
up his whoopee cushion.

PRINCIPAL WEXLER:
Stevens, what is this?

What is this?
What is this?

Oh, that's a fly
in an ice cube.

But, hey, I know what
you're thinking. Look.

-It's not his work.
-It's not my work. Didn't do it.

This is your last warning, Stevens.

I'm watching you.

(EVIL CHUCKLE)

Oh, boy, am I watching you.

You've got to find Loomis, dude.

Yeah, you could say that
three times fast.

You've got to find Loomis. You've got
to find Loomis. You've got to find Loomis.

Okay, boys, come and get us.

Um... I don't see Travis.

Do you want to see him?

Well, yeah.

Uh... no.

I'm going home.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're staying right here with us

and you're going to have fun.

Oh, but guys,
I'm an insensitive person

who does not deserve to have fun
ever again.

Well, if you're not going to have fun
then neither are we.

That's right. We'll just stand here
with you and drink punch all night.

And... see ya.

Bye.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Um, Louis, why are people so hung up
on physical differences?

I don't know.

Oh, well, you look nice.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Is this a flower?
Where'd you get it?

-(SQUIRTS)
-(LAUGHING)

Loui...!

Louis!

(GROANS)

Water g*n?

-Squirting flower.
-That amateur.

(POPPING)

Of course. The balloons.

PRINCIPAL WEXLER:
Attention.

Welcome to Lawrence Junior
High's semi-annual semi-formal.

I want to thank the students
from Jefferson

for being such perfect guests.

You will be returning
to your school on Monday.

But first, we have a special treat.

Please welcome Travis Gresham.

(APPLAUSE)

TRAVIS: Hi.

Thanks for making my week here
so cool.

So, to say thanks,
I took some photos.

I was a little nervous
coming to a new school.

I thought you guys
might be kind of weird.

(LAUGHTER)

And I've got to thank Mr. Wexler
for making us feel especially welcome.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING)

Here's a series of sh*ts of some
of the stuff I saw this week.

(LAUGHTER)

Loomis Freeman.

Yes. Who are you?

I'm Louis Stevens.

So, we finally meet.

Yes.

Well, you better get out of here,
stupid head

'cause I filled this balloon
with some water.

That's it, that's your big joke?
Just one water balloon?

You think you're going to drop
it and ruin the whole dance?

Yeah. Cool, huh?

No. It's not cool, Loomis.

It's not.

In fact, it's pathetic.

See, if it was me, I'd fill
all these balloons up with water

and then I'd drop them.

You don't know nothing.
What do you know?

Whoa...

Loomis, listen. Stop, please,
just listen to me for a second.

I know that one water balloon,
gum in your hair,

little rubber mice,
it ain't gonna to cut it, man.

Strictly third grade.

Shut up! I hate you!

The worst part is,
I'm getting blamed for the shoddy work.

(LAUGHTER)

TRAVIS:
It was a great week.

We had new teachers...

we had new classes...

and some of us even made

new friends.

So, to all you Lawrence kids

thanks for making
our week here so cool.

(APPLAUSE)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Travis is so sweet.

Ren, I can't believe
you broke up with him.

(SIGHS) I have to talk to him.

-You do that.
-Yeah.

-Ooh.
-I guess you win, all right?

No harm, no foul.

Oh, bro, you got a booger.

It's a runner, man.
You got to catch that.

-Here, I'll hold that for you.
-You kidding me? Oh!

-What's up now, Loomis?!
-You tricked me!

Now, listen, this school ain't
big enough for the both of us.

Now you get out of here,

and don't ever besmirch
my name again, Loomis.

What's "besmirch" mean?

"Besmirch"?

I don't know what besmirch...

Oh!

Look out!

-LOUIS: It wasn't me.
-Out! Out!

I swear, it wasn't me.
It was my...

Evil twin? Yes,
and we all have one

and they do naughty things

that we never, ever
should do. Good-bye.

Hey, Ren.

What happened to you?

Little brother, evil twin.

Long story.

But...I deserved it.

What are you talking about?

Look, Travis...

I made up an excuse to get out
of going to the dance with you.

Because you were embarrassed
about our height difference.

I just... I didn't want people
looking at us, you know? I...

And why do you care so much
about what people think?

You're right.

I shouldn't care what other
people think at all, right?

So... don't.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I loved your presentation.

Thanks.

I should go. I'm a mess.

I...think you look great.

Let's dance.

Oh, Louis, hey!
I've been looking all over for you.

'Kay, I didn't put nothing
in the punch bowl.

Hey, so, um,

how you doing?

Uh, okay. These dances are
always so lame, though.

Yes. Yes.

What's this material here?
(SNIFFING)

You smell purdy.

You smell purdy, too.

-(LAUGHS)
-(LAUGHS)

Thank you.

Hey, you want to dance?

-Yeah. I'd love to.
-Great.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(BANGING ON WINDOW)

Loomis!

Loomis, get off now, Loomis!

Loomis!

Get off of her!

(BLINDS SLIDE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)