02x01 - Heads It's Me

[bunniefuu]

Russia must be saved from Peter.

I've never done a coup before.

This is a dangerous game.

I am as good as dead here.

So I have nothing to lose.

Orlo!

- Help me with the coup!
- Don't say another word!

You and I will plan for my reign.

If we are to move forward,
we need men who will fight.

Would you care for a macaron?

I have lost my fingers.

I'll just pop it in your mouth.

- Your bride is unhappy.
You must clear the clouds.

We shall find you a lover.

Marvelous.

She's just a woman.
Weak of mind, and firm of breast.

I don't want to k*ll you.
You're not a bad person.

I could k*ll you.

You are a bad person.

- Someone's tried to poison him!
- You poisoned him?

What happens to us when he's dead?

You're never safe.

The family must protect itself.

- You know what I want for my birthday?
Russia!

It will be hard, but we will prevail.

Huzzah!

I told Peter it was you.

He loves you, and you have his baby.

You told him that I'm pregnant?

You think a child will stop me?

Your child. A son.

The preservation of your line.

I can change the world.

I know you can.

We can win this.

Leo will be dead.

I await your signal.

What have you done with him?

Me?

- Let him go.
- You do not love him. You love me!

You're a mad man!

She is a firecracker.

I have never loved her more.

I am terrifying.

Nothing.

Maybe Leo is...

The soldiers all say he is not.

Tell them to stop searching.

He's dead.

Of course he's f*ckin' dead.

- So, you have him trapped.
- Yes.

Finally a breakthrough.

Him and his forces
have retreated to the east wing.

I didn't think it would take this long.

Four months, Velementov, and much death.

I'm somewhere between bored and enraged.

Battle has its own rhythm.

You must play it as it lays,
not how you wish it.

I wish it to be the final stanza.

Do you understand?

Well, not to apportion blame,
but if we're cutting the cake,

your desire to be the one that kills him
has skewed a few plans.

Then I will let that go,
and you will get this done.

Come here.

What are you doing?

Playing.

This is a human being.

Uh, was.

Grigori Vasiliv, in fact.

He had a life as precious as yours,
as all Russians.

Do not demean our nation
and yourselves by losing sight

of the preciousness of life,
yours and his.

Ask yourself, what can I make of my life?

What intrinsic good can I do
that elevates my humanity?

I don't know what a lot of that means.

"Don't be little shits"
is what it means.

f*ck off you go.

Can we have our head back?

No! You can't have the head back!

Bitch!

Empress bitch!

You have a way with kids.

Let's hope so.

- We have them trapped on the third floor.
Why are we not attacking?

I am developing a plan.

Again?

Why can we not just launch an as*ault?

I am trying to avoid
unnecessary bloodshed.

But are you also trying to avoid
necessary bloodshed?

Since I'm the only person here
with 40 years' m*llitary experience,

I expect that's
a distinction only I can make.

I-If you'd just stabbed him when...

You really want to go down
the path to the past, Orlo?

It is both unconstructive
and very annoying.

- We are one step closer to victory.
Feel free to congratulate me.

You need to concentrate
on the next step.

I will not launch a pointless as*ault.

They are trapped, but they are also
heavily fortified on both flanks.

The central path is a death trap.

You can't get in?

In layman's terms.

Laywoman's.

Indeed.

But yes, he is trapped.

He must be worried.

Must know ultimately, I've got him.

Emperor... Emperor, if...

If I could just talk about the plan
for the next few days.

Of course you may, Svenska,
as long as you don't expect me to listen.

- Sir.
- Grigor.

Listen to Svenska and nod occasionally
as if you give a f*ck on my behalf.

It's just our new situation
needs to be assessed and...

- Just enjoy the party, Svenska.
You've become quite the worrier.

It is dull and makes me want to punch you
when I see you about to speak.

- It's just that...
- Ah!

He warned you.

Just tell me.

Svenska has a point.

She has us trapped.

I think we're in trouble.

Arkady?

I mean, we have her!

- Huzzah!
- Of course, we do. Huzzah!

Yes, of course we do. Huzzah.

- But...
- She has done well though.

Extraordinary.
I've never loved her more.

I can actually tell when a move is hers

and not that balloon-shaped
traitorous f*ck Velementov.

Her moves have wit and elegance.

He is like a blind syphilitic
wild boar with a map and a g*n

dangling off his ballbag.

My concern is...

losing.

Grigor, Arkady, check him for balls.

Don't f*cking touch me.

Oh. A fine set. Bravo.

- Jean-Pierre!
- Uh, oui.

- The moose.
Thyme, brandy, juniper and...?

- Fennel seed.
- Ah, that's it! Mm!

- Our next move.
We are trapped...

We are not trapped.

We can go out here
and go through the basement,

assemble in the forest
and retake from up here and below.

But tomorrow after the party.

I am sure he has men
stacked in the forest.

Well, let's find out.

Lookalikes! Where are you?

f*ck me, lookalikes?

You're not nearly good-looking enough.

Uh, maybe you.

Okay, you, go.

Head into the forest.

You make it to the edge,
turn and wave this.

Oh, Svenska, relax, will you?

Madam Svenska?

f*ck Svenska, will you?
Relax him.

I actually can't get it up
at the moment.

The worry.

Why worry?

It's w*r. You're a soldier.
You should be loving this.

He worries about losing.

He should not, for as we all know,
the Emperor will prevail.

Ah. Well, I will f*ck you in his stead,
for all my subjects must be happy

and filled with joy and optimism,
and if they are not,

I will fill them personally. Huzzah!

No!

No. I... I can try again.

I feel strong.

You know, you have...
filled me with lead, Emperor.

She will not b*at me because...

well...

I'm me.

I was born to be Emperor, chosen by God,

and is God ever wrong?

Archie? Is God ever wrong?

Never, Emperor.

He is the sun blinding us with truth.

Don't know what that means,
but seems to agree with me.

Oh, can we hand out some medals?

You know, lift morale.

Hmm. Indeed. Fun.

You don't look like
you're having fun.

- Hmm.
Perspicacious, as always.

I'm in the wrong place.

I admit, it doesn't look good.

A ruble for your thoughts.

Nothing.

Not, "Could I get close enough
to cut his throat and end this"?

- Well...
- You couldn't.

His guards are on the watch. Look.

Just sit tight, stick with me.

Patience.

Not my strong point.

God will blow the right wind soon.

What's the right wind?

Only God knows that.

We wait on His perfect whim.

Have an oyster.

Your serene faith
is really f*cking annoying.

Really?

I always imagined it
charismatic and charming.

I find it ridiculous and absurd
and f*cking idiotic,

and I'm sorry I ever listened
to a word out of your f*cking mouth.

You owe me a ruble.

And for services unparalleled
to our great Emperor, me...

Chef Jean-Pierre.

He arrived in the middle of a battle
and turned out a six-course degustation

that left me speechless, legless,
and having wet dreams

of pheasant stuffed with plums
for four days.

Ah, Dr. Vinodel!

- Emperor.
- How is she?

Her blood is red, her bile is yellow,

her sh*t was not to my liking
last time I saw her,

but her urine was straw-looking
and fruity to the taste,

so on balance, you know, she's fine.

Indeed. And give her my best.

I miss Paul.

Hmm. May I continue sewing on this man?

Uh, it's an actual physical pain.

Lookalike's out!

Huh?

Ah.

Okay.

Guess they're in the forest.

sh*t.

- They're holed up and ready for us.
- You can't get in?

No.

Then we get them to come out.

You.

Molotov, ma'am.

Mm. Give me your bottle.

Vodka catches flame.

- No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y-y-you, no, you need to, you need to...

People instinctively run from fire.

So, we burn them out.

And if we burn down the palace
in the process?

We'll build a new one, Orlo.

New palace. New Russia.

All right.

We go in an hour.

You go, be safe.

Okay.

Do you still need to k*ll him yourself?

No. Let's just win.

Velementov.

Have they found...?

No.

You know, we've searched
the forest many times.

Do you think he could be alive?

It's been a while.

You know, a body would be in a...

We're looking.

Don't you dare.

You don't get that.

Mari...

Sylvana?

Tea.

What a day.

Want one?

Mm. We can just talk.

But you don't.

I...

It's okay.

I'm just used to...

Marial.

Yes.

I'm sorry I'm not her.

You may go.

Dr. Vinodel.

I feel fine, Vinodel. Must we?

I apologize in advance.

And please understand I was under duress.

What?

God.

You look great!

Uh, don't call for soldiers or I'll blow
Vinodel's head across the room.

I agree with the Emperor,
please don't call out.

Might get a drink actually.

What are you doing here?

You look amazing.

Look how big you are.

How's Paul?

Hi, Paul. Daddy's here.

I just wish he'd go and k*ll her.

She has his baby.

Anyone can have a f*cking baby.

I've got six.

He loves her.

Which is really not helping.

This is it.

Follow me, men!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Run!

We're gonna die!

We have to go get him.

- Just quickly, Grigor. Just thinking.
- George!

We are prepared to die for him, right?

- We've never really had that chat.
- We're not f*cking dying. Come on.

Thing is, I never really thought
about him losing.

Because he just doesn't.

She's winning, Grigor.

Well, if he loses, we're f*cked.

Exactly, but we could run right now, get
out of here, and go to the country house.

- You hate the country house.
You always say it's too small.

It's roomier than a coffin.

I guess she'd come for us
wherever we are.

- Well, she might not.
She's quite nice.

I would if I was her.

And if we run and then he wins?

Hm. That would be bad.

I don't know that I could live
without him anyway.

I can't imagine just the two of us.

Cheering to hear.

Let's go get him.

So, how have you been?

How have I been?

Yes.

At w*r with you, that's how I've been.

- Well, hasn't it been great?
I've loved it.

Hm. You need to give in.

We need to stop this bloodshed.

- See, that's the difference between us.
I don't mind the bloodshed.

I mean, you honestly can't think
you can run Russia without bloodshed.

I can.

I will.

You're so sweet sometimes,
I could just kiss you on the nose.

Ah!

Oh, sorry, did that hurt?

Yes.

Let's face it,
your heart wasn't in it anyway.

- We don't want to k*ll each other.
- Fervently disagree.

You need to stop or...

You'll lose?

That's not a great argument,
to be honest.

No. Or I will have to get serious
and start trying,

and then you or Paul will get hurt.

I'm winning!

- I love that you think that.
I knew you would.

That's why I thought I should come down
and tell you I think we've had enough fun.

This isn't fun.

People are dying.
Russia is paralyzed.

Then stop and that will stop.

So many great reasons for you to give up.

For instance, we can f*ck.

Hm. Not a strong argument.

I bet you've missed my tongue.

I did dream about cutting it out,
so perhaps.

I just don't want an accident.

Some loyalist in the hallway grabs you,

smacks your delightfully shaped skull
against a wall

until it shatters and caves in,
k*lling you and Paul.

You know, can you imagine
how upset I'd be?

I'd f*ck your dead body for days.
I want you to know that.

Jesus.

Exactly.

My love is strong.

We should stop for Paul's sake.

You're right.

So, you give up, let me k*ll you,

and I'll tell Paul
what a marvelous person you were.

- I've missed your pithy self.
- Oh.

Did Paul just kick you?

Yes.

He knows I'm here!

Paul?

I miss you too.

Are you crying?

What? No.

Yes.

sh*t.

sh*t.

Look. I made this for him.

Hm.

- It's cute.
- Thanks.

Men!

Don't be stubborn.

I mean, I love it,
but it's f*cking wearing at times.

Like right now.

Cherries?

How are you getting cherries?

We're not getting cherries
in the east wing.

People like me better.

Well, I'm fun, you're not,
so I doubt that's true.

You have convinced a few people
things can be better, which they can't,

so you have lied to them.

And if you won, things would go
badly once they realized the lie.

Oh, sh*t.

Did you launch an att*ck?

Yes.

And I'm not there.

It's bad timing for you,
good timing for me.

It's like there's something in my head
where I always know what to do,

even though I never really think about it.

I guess that's why God chose me.

You're going to die, Peter.

You can save hundreds of lives
by just accepting that.

Do it for Russia.

You know, I'm not sure appealing
to my selfless side has a lot of traction.

I think it does.

I really believe that.

I know your heart.

You are ever an optimist,
another thing I love about you.

We have a problem.

Oh, you do? Do tell.

Empress, you look big.

Thanks.

You need to come.

Uh, let me just say goodbye.

My patience is wearing thin.

Love you.

Bye, Paul.

I have the worst headache.

Silent weapons.

That's what we need to invent.

What would be the fun of that?

- Lookalike.
- Such a sh*t job.

They don't even get paid much.

I need to sit down for a minute.

I'll keep searching.

When you find Archie,
sh**t him in both legs, then get me.

Make sure there's a hammer and some
small knives handy and I will finish it.

Jesus, it's a w*r, Orlo.

Why are you taking it personally?

Run, fatso. Your time is up!

Give up.

I just need to k*ll you first.

You should be with us!

I want to be the boss.

I'll k*ll you and cross the floor
and get hired, fight for her.

But first the "k*ll you" part.

sh*t.

Your time really is up.

Well, don't worry, I'll blow your f*cking
heart out and it won't hurt anymore.

Don't call me fatso.

No sign of Peter.

Ah.

Antoine!

Apologies, Madam.

It's a disaster up there.

Ah. An understatement.

- Well, where's Svenska?
- Don't know.

- We need to get out of here.
- It does seem felicitous.

No, no, no, I don't run.

Peter the Great's son does not run
from his own f*cking palace!

If she can't find you,
she can't k*ll you.

If she can't k*ll you, she can't win.

Right.

She can't be head of Russia
while I'm alive,

so I'm not running, I'm winning.

- Exactly.
I have a carriage and horses waiting.

Well, let's go!

I don't know where, but I shall have
another great idea and we will prevail.

What do you mean nowhere?

They searched the palace, he's gone.

- Carriages and horses were seen leaving.
Probably them.

Well, did anyone follow?

- He knows the palace better than anyone.
He found a gap in our perimeter.

Where do we think he went?

There are six royal estates,
we suspect one of those.

Uh, can't I just say he's dead
and crown myself?

No, he is out in the regions, able to go
to regional courts and gather support.

That is what he'll be on his way to do.

sh*t! Ah!

No, lookalike!

Valery Pugachev.

Recently resigned, so no need
to sh**t me as I leave.

Empress, all the best of luck.
He's a f*cking madman, that one.

Ehh...

You're very beautiful, by the way.

Eh.

I'm pretty sure I gave orders to have
you sh*t if you approached my quarters.

You underestimate how well liked I am.

What's it going to take?

An apology or something?

There is no apology big enough
for betraying me.

I'm sorry... that you've interpreted me
saving your life as a betrayal.

It is a punitive, narrow view of things
and does not speak well of your character.

- Tea?
- You betrayed me.

- Saved.
- Betrayed.

Are you alive?

- Clearly.
- Then I rest my case.

It has taken me
four months instead of days.

Well, you couldn't k*ll him,
that is what derailed us.

Not to cast blame.

I didn't k*ll him,
which is different from couldn't.

Hm.

You do know how to make tea.

Look at you.

That thing.

I call it the baby.

- Is it strange?
- Very.

So, tell me.

It is real, but also not real.

And I piss myself a lot.

And like to eat dirt.

You know, I think if God really
loved women, we'd lay eggs.

I've missed you.

More tea?

Look me in the eye a moment.

What do you see?

You know what I see?

It is what you see in mine.

More tea.

f*ck me, these blueberries are good,
like a bluebird cumming in your mouth.

Give me some more, Grigor.

- Ah, that's it.
- What do you mean that's it?

We just grabbed clothes
and bags of stuff.

I didn't really think about food.

Wh-which was an oversight.
I think I see that now.

You mean you really didn't think
about me, your Emperor and best friend?

We were all running for our lives.

f*ck!

Tell me you at least brought Jean-Pierre.

We'll pick things up in the villages.

Eh, w-we can...

We can what?

Pick up a salmon en croute
with a saffron aioli in the next village?

We'll work something out.

This is very disappointing.

I'm sorry.

You know, I don't strategize well
when I'm hungry. Mm?

The empire may now be at risk.

I wouldn't have eaten them
so fast, would I?

As I watched you, you began to
more and more resemble a ripe apple.

I was about to bite your cheek out.

You have missed much.

It was torment being away,
but I became ill, and I could not travel.

Peter's gone.

I heard that.

You shall prevail, I know it.

Let me see him.

Oh... so beautiful.

Oh, I remember when I was...

- I'm sorry.
- No, no.

Don't be sorry...

I loved every minute of it.

I brought you a frog.

To eat?

The average woman has
three to seven miscarriages.

We must keep this carriage on the road.

Lay back.

The village doulas use them,

and the rate of miscarriage is markedly
lower in the villages than the court.

Dr. Vinodel.

Empress, I...

Oh.

You're doing the frog?

Yes, I'm doing the frog.

It is discredited hocus pocus.

Instead I will insert this sage bundle
into the royal c**t

and that will do
what the frog purports to.

That is not going inside me.

- Oh, gosh, I'm glad I'm here.
Get away from her.

Ah, breakfast.

Some raw sliced turbot

and some farmhouse cheeses
slathered on bread

with a sh*t of vodka every morning.

- Mm.
- It is too rich for the baby's blood.

He will be born with a stutter.

Seems better than
the seven bowls of chicken broth

you make me eat each day, Vinodel.

I will take care of you now.

I must listen for a heartbeat.

If there was not a heartbeat,
the frog would hop off.

Oh, dear God.

You may go, Vinodel.

Do you know where Peter might go?

- Did you check the cupboards?
- The cupboards?

After seeing his mother,
he would often disappear for days

and would generally be found
in a cupboard with a ham and a teddy.

I guess we could check.

And Leo?

I, uh...

You have steel in your heart.

My broken heart.

You will realize you haven't even
known love until this baby comes out,

and men forever after
will be merely useful trinkets.

Russia and a child to love
will fill your heart to overflowing.

Leave the frog on for 20 minutes.

Strange place to hide.

He's gone. They have no reason
to search his room for him.

They'll k*ll you if they find you.

Orlo has blood in his nostrils.

In the moment,
some decisions seem so right

and yet they come back to haunt you.

Thanks.

Do you know where he is?

I do not.

You lying to me?

I have never and will never.

The same cannot be said for you to me.

How different things could have been
if you'd told me of her plan.

You really want to have
that conversation now?

No.

I just need to hide.

How is she?

We have forgiven each other.

I think the weight of our yearning
for each other slightly outweighs

the grudge we carry.

Hm. That's good.

The wind blows her way.
Well played.

It is not a play.

Save me if you can.

You know I will.

Where will you go?

The forest... to commune with God.

Tell Him He needs
to get his act together,

blow that c**t Peter into his grave.

Fucker.

Oh! Jean-Pierre.

Fucker!

Oh! Wake Velementov!

Empress.

How do these people live?

I had no idea how they suffered.

When this is over, we need
to give them better bread recipes.

Hah!

Food at last! Food at last!

Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre!

You better have some snails
in garlic butter in ten f*cking min...

sh*t. That's not good.

I said don't go back for food.

Don't be a blamer, George,
or I will never f*ck you with my tongue

so that you literally melt
in my mouth again.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry, Grigor. I'm saying blame
is not an attractive characteristic.

Neither is dead.

Go get him!

sh*t! Cossacks!

Come on!

Uh, and don't sh**t her!
Just everyone else.

Empress.

I'll get more boats
brought from nearby villages.

Won't the same just happen again?

Indeed. He's got Cossacks,
those f*ckers don't stop.

We'll go from a different spot,
at night.

Catherine, it's freezing.

I had them put up a tent for you.

- We need to k*ll him today.
- We shall.

- Well, she's not k*lling him.
She promised me.

And it would be a terrible idea anyway.

Politically it would delegitimize her
in the eyes of many regions.

They regard him as chosen by God

and her as a grabby little German
chosen by mail order.

She needs him to abdicate.

That's not the plan.

Catherine?

I need to rest.

Mm.

Catherine, a moment.

Oh, good God, is that dirt?

Indeed.

Cravings.

Don't get pregnant, Orlo.
It's like a coup on your body.

Speaking of which,
we need to k*ll this c**t.

I noticed some reservations
with Elizabeth.

We need to k*ll him, Archie,
Grigor and Georgina.

Oh, a veritable k*lling spree.

What happened to my
incremental progress, small steps,

rational, tiny dreams bureaucrat?

You know you have to.

And you should want to,
he f*cking k*lled Leo.

No.

I did that.

Okay, okay, let's,
let's not get distracted by that.

Y-Your original idea was catch him,
make him abdicate, k*ll him later.

Because then I still had fear
in my cowardly heart.

Now my heart is f*cking hard as a rock
and that's how it must be

if we are to win
and if we are to change this country.

I disagree.

There is the poetry of what we want,

and there is the blood and grind
of how we get it.

I have your opinion and counsel.

I thank you, but I have dirt to eat
and my own counsel to take.

Head not heart, Catherine.

Reason not rage, Orlo.

There's a worm in that clump.

You should be sleeping.

I can't.

Did you like her?

I adored her.

But the way she was cruel to him
broke something in him.

A child should float in a bubble of love
so that nothing can touch them,

at least while they're young.

Was that what you did with Igor?

I did.

I at least know I did that.

How did he die?

Drowned in the lake.

I'm sorry.

I remember at his funeral,
she walked past me and she said,

"It's the first time I've envied you."

Jesus.

I may have to k*ll him.

Know that.

I want him to live...

because I love him.

And if you can...

not take a life and still get
what you want, then why take the life?

Only men are dumb enough to do that.

It's why they're endlessly creating
their own destruction.

They're like little pandas
trapped in a barrel,

and they all have knives
and they cut each other up

rather than using the knives
to cut open the barrel and run free.

It is a complicated set of metaphors.

Is it? Which part?

If I let him live,
it is a danger to me, is it not?

You can control him.

I'm not sure.

My dear, you have taken
his country in barely a year.

And he still loves you.

Indeed.

- f*ck.
- We need a plan.

We need a decent meal.

I can't think like this.

We could take a boat
and try to get to the other bank at night.

They'll g*n us down.

Ah, she won't k*ll me.

If we make it to the other bank,
we're away.

- It's too dangerous.
- Maybe.

Let's find out. Hmm.

Fire!

Are you f*cking kidding?

That could've been me!

f*ck.

Lookalike.

You all right?

Yes.

Can't sleep either?

I can't believe she would've k*lled me.

I mean, she loves me secretly,
possibly even secretly from herself.

I'm so f*cking hungry.

Right.

I know something you could eat.

Morale is still high.

So it seems.

I taught him well.

Jean-Pierre.

Yes, Empress.

What the f*ck is that?

Hmm.

Oh, smell that!

Delicious.

Merci.

I thought he would love apples
and marjoram and cognac.

Indeed, he would, Jean-Pierre.

That smells amazing.

Is that apples and cognac?

With marjoram.

The Cossacks caught a rat for us.

- Are you f*cking kidding?
- A rat?

Uh, brilliant! I bet it's marvelous.

I love rats more than pigs!

Hmm.

Mm, slow roast or fillet and flash fry?

I'm gonna throw up.

- Oh, come on.
I'll make a little weed salsa verde.

Ha. There's lots of rats.

This'll keep us going till the next part
of the plan arrives in my head.

Oh.

Let's flash fry. Yeah.

I tell you, Grigor,
it's moments like this that make a man.

- What do I put in these weeds?
- Berries.

Some rum if we've got it.

- Small thing...
you said you wouldn't f*ck George.

I thought I said twice a year.

Last night.

You what?

We had a gentlemen's agreement.

- I will f*ck who I want, when I want.
Know that, both of you.

Hmm. We shall respect your wishes.

- Grigor?
- Jesus.

Okay, I think that's ready.

Mm.

The smell is...

strong, but...

strong is good.

Ha.

Hmm.

Uh...

f*ck!

f*ck!

f*ck it.
I'm not starving to death, not doing it.

- Get the boat!
- They might sh**t you as you cross.

- I know that, Grigor!
That's why I'm not going.

- George is.
- I am?

He'll want the Urals,
ten million rubles,

or safe passage to Norway
and 50 million rubles.

Ideally the Urals for us,
but better than that,

strike the deal, then we sh**t him
in the head once he's over here.

He will abdicate,
but he wants one thing.

Yes?

Twenty minutes a day with Paul and you.

- That's it?
- He has some details he wants to cut up with you, but that's it.

It's a trap.

I will see him. He is safe.

Tell him to come.

You! Bring me that food.

No!

Oh, come on, you won. I can eat.

Not until we have a deal.

I can go back and think of ways to win.

There's black pig ham dusted with
fennel pollen on rye with pickled beets.

f*ck me.

Okay, let's do a deal.

The deal is, you live in the Urals
in a house under house arrest.

Grigor and Georgina may go with you.

The Urals? That is a terrible idea.

- I understand you don't like it, but...
- No, for you.

You want me in a region alone?

I'll charm and buy off
the guards in no time,

gather the region's loyalists
and relaunch against you.

I probably shouldn't have told you that.

But I care for you.

You know, that's my burden.
My love for you hangs heavy.

Right.

You sure you want to run Russia?

You're a little slow
on the strategy front.

And yet you are abdicating.

Toosh. Eh.

I always forget the "eh."

Okay. My idea.

I live in the palace as I have done,

party, hunt.

You run Russia
while I'm doing this by day,

and at night we have much fiery sex,

and when Paul is born, he takes Russia.

We then have more fiery sex
until one day our hearts give out

as we pleasure each other senseless
against a tree in the forest.

You know, I actually had
a dream where that happened.

I had a dream where
I dropped you down a well

that I thought was full of boiling water

but turned out to be full
of angry starving bears.

- I like mine better.
- And I'm not having sex with you.

Seems rude and also short-sighted.

I look at you and go dry like sand.

f*ck me, you are a...

Hmm.

The more you toy with me,
the harder my cock gets.

There are softer oak trees.

I could just k*ll you if I wanted.

You won't have to.

If you don't let me see Paul,
I'll do it myself.

Just 20 minutes a day. Please.

I just want to be with you and Paul.

That's what you want?

Yeah.

Palace house arrest, agreed.

Breakfast with Paul, agreed.

Sex, not agreed.

- Tongue trick?
- Not agreed.

You'll regret that.

I get Jean-Pierre. My chef.

- Fine.
- And hunting?

I'm not giving you a g*n.

Have me under armed sight at any time

and they may blow
my f*cking head off at their whim.

No.

So, we'll leave that one
to be negotiated.

Know this.

Your guards will have orders
to k*ll you at their whim,

fillet you alive, boil your organs

and force-feed you them unseasoned
if you step out of line once.

Once. Not twice. Once.

Unseasoned?

Barbaric.

Good for you. Shows promise.
Maybe you can do this.

All right, we have a deal.

Orlo!

Wait. I'm still Emperor.

Just...

Yeah, I'll do this.

Orlo!

Lobcock traitorous fuckhead, do you
have a document for me to sign?

I do.

Well, bring it here.

f*ck me, you may need better advisers.

Last chance.

We get in the carriage, forget the coup,
and f*ck all the way home.

Just sign it.

Where's that ham?

Darling, I came as soon as I heard
and begged for your life.

- I'm sorry, Aunt.
I know you're devastated.

You're alive, that's all I need.

Mm. f*ck me.

Grigor, taste this ham. Mm.

I guess that's it.

He signed his own name, right?

Yes.

It's mine.

Gather everyone around.

Men! Forward!

Oh, one thing.

I have Leo's head.

What?

Some guards
gave it to me way back when.

Had it mummified.

Not sure whether you want it
or forgot him by now probably.

You have his head?

Mm. Not with me, obviously.

Oh. N-no we do.

What? With us?

It was in one of the bags
we grabbed when we left.

Good. Great. Get it.

Huh.

It's a strange feeling,
it being over, isn't it?

And yet so normal to be
standing together as one.

- You don't really have...
- Got it!

Great.

Mm. Here we are.

Okay, see you at home.

Love you.

That f*cking ham!

Empress Catherine the Great!

Huzzah!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Huzzah! Huzzah...

You all right?

Why are you...

- What?
- Happy? We lost.

Did we?

Well, you did abdicate,
so you could say lost for sure.

I'm happy because I have a plan.

A brilliant one.

Give me some of that marvelous ham!

I bless our new leader,
Catherine the Great.

I gave her Russia.

Her power is an illusion that
I will shatter when the time is right.

We will coup her.

We were all happy once.
We can be again.

Arkady and I have been strategizing.

Rabbit.

Can you actually focus
on the "unseating her" plan?

This is a dynasty.

If she loves you,
you will make more babies.

And protect the family line.

You must make her love you.

Should we have sex?

I'd rather choke to death
on this tiny chicken.

Your mother is on her way here.

Mother!

Huzzah!

Your daughter is the best thing
to happen to Russia.

Well that makes us enemies.

Because Russia is the worst thing
to happen to her.

Did you actually just free the serfs?

I did.

You didn't want to discuss it first?

It was clear what to do,
so I did it.

The nobles will tear you to shreds.

Gentlemen!

Get used to the future
because it's coming.

Lying German bitch!

Oh!

Why are they throwing shoes?

Because they hate you,
and I took their g*ns.

You will fall to your knees,

broken by your failure to change Russia.

I will lift you from the ground
and we will rip at each other's clothes

like time itself is about to end and we
cannot get to each other before it does.

Oh...

The joy of being a woman

is knowing we can outplay a man.

No one does anything
till I make a move.

- It's dangerous.
- I was born to do dangerous things.

- Why is everybody crying?
- Everyone f*cking dies now!

Welcome to Russia!

- It's never dull here.
- Huzzah.

- Huzzah!
- Huzz... ah.

Well, b*at you to it.